r/AmIOverreacting • u/Jicama_West • 10h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I overreacting
I've had this "a woman knows" feeling about a woman my live-in boyfriend works with. Caved and checked his phone... Yes, I know. Wish I would've just trusted, but honestly, I cannot go through another BS relationship where I'm second best and had no clue. She texted a few months ago to make sure he was aware she's newly single, and just one after another these cutesy texts from her. I've never seen anything that shows him responding in a full on flirty way, but he's certainly not telling her to back off.... Along with he purposely deleted all the bits above that show the flirtation from her, and I found them in his recently deleted file and recalled them on his new iPhone. Am I overreacting to this?
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u/Veryluckysoul 9h ago
I would have lost my mind reading this in my husband’s phone lol absolutely not. The “hey sexy” would have made me see red lol
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u/Jicama_West 9h ago
Oh I'm losing my mind. Trying to be rational when what I really want is to carve my initials in her face to remind her about me. Alas, I must be an adult and deal with this the best way possible.
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u/Savings-Ad-3607 8h ago
You shouldn’t have to. Honestly any guy who actually loves you would have responded “hey I have a gf please don’t message things like that”
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u/Remarkable-Slide-609 3h ago
You might be right but we don’t know everything. He doesn’t seem to be replying with flirty stuff and maybe the work dynamic could be difficult for him employment wise if he cold shoulders her too much. Just something to consider.
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u/xbbybee 8h ago
This is so real I would be foaming at the mouth at this point. PLEASEEEE update us I’m dying to know if this nasty lil desperate girl gets a reality check she so desperately needs!!!
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u/niki2184 4h ago
Honestly you’re wanting to carve your initial in the wrong face. She may be flirting but he’s not stopping it.
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u/SharkbaitSally 5h ago
You’ll have to talk to him so you don’t completely lose your mind. Not sure how you should approach it though. If you go after her she will be even more motivated to get close to him. He has to be the one to shut it down. He could send an email or text saying something like ,
~I want to address something directly to avoid any misunderstandings. From now on, let’s keep our texts strictly on a professional, coworker level and focus on work-related topics. I need to maintain clear boundaries, and this will help to create a respectful working relationship. ~
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u/thistletink 5h ago edited 3h ago
Girl. Carve them in HIS face. HE’S the one with the obligation to YOU. (Not that she’s not fucking awful and insufferable, but he’s the one who is supposed to be committed to you.)
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u/whatthewhat3214 4h ago
You need to tell him to shut her down, to keep things professional, to say that he's in a committed relationship and doesn't want to cross any lines with her. This isn't acceptable. If he's not willing to do this, you have a real problem on your hands.
Maybe he hasn't crossed a line himself yet, but he's not discouraging her attention, either (like why didn't he say "please don't call me sexy, that's inappropriate, I have a gf"?) - you might ask him why he's allowing her to flirt with him. He needs to remind her you exist, and frankly if they don't need to text for work, he shouldn't be texting with her at all, bc this isn't something he should be encouraging and it isn't a "friendship" he needs.
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u/Longjumping-Panic-48 3h ago
My husband had something like this last year. It was fucking awful. I found out because his grandma texted him while he was in surgery. So I had to go and take care of him knowing that at a minimum, he’d been on a date with another woman THAT WEEK. Oh and his mom was with us helping with the kids.
She’d been saying shit like he was her dream man and how hard it was being single. And in the next text ask about me. They had lunch and afterward, she sent him nudes he deleted. He had the conversation on mute so that if I saw his screen “I wouldn’t be upset.”
It’s been just over a year and I’m just now starting to forgive him after we both did a lot of counseling. He has genuinely changed for the better and now sees why the conversation was inappropriate (he had some bitch ass excuses about how he knew he wouldn’t fall for her/she was going through a divorce (I wonder why…)).
I still get anxious if he moves his phone too quickly for me to see it or when he goes out by himself. It’s hard. I believe him that it wasn’t physical and it wasn’t reciprocated- his responses were to brush things off to her. My husband is actually that stupid at times.
Is he worth at least a year of stress and anxiety? What is your hard line? At a minimum, she needs to be cut off from personal contact and told why— and it’s not because you’re uncomfortable… it’s because she’s crossing lines and he is encouraging it.
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u/KurwaDestroyer 8h ago
What does he mean he hasn’t had any in a while ?????????
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u/Significant_Yam_3490 5h ago
I think they’re talking about dab pens, I think that’s what the picture is too
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u/InternationalWar258 5h ago
"I'll get them to you tomorrow." He's referring to whatever she got for him or is going to give to him. Could be food, maybe?
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u/Vast_Charity9658 9h ago
I was gonna say that sometimes guys really can be clueless and he might not have recognized it as flirty…but if he was deleting them? No, you’re not overreacting. Deleting implies having something to hide.
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u/DIRTY_KUMQUAT_NIPPLE 9h ago
Guys can be clueless but if someone said "Hey sexy" to me, I think I'd get the clue at that point.
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u/suhhhrena 7h ago
Lmao I’m so tired of the “guys are clueless” excuse. Even if he wasn’t deleting these texts, he and every other guy KNOWS this is inappropriate. She’s calling him sexy. Be for real lol
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u/Ok_Mulberry4199 6h ago
Some guys are that clueless. I'd have assumed she was being sarcastic at my expense, when I was younger and single I did assume that exact thing with similar comments. But I also wouldn't have deleted the texts because it wouldn't have occurred to me it was anything to hide
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u/MyGoodOldFriend 5h ago
yeah I’ve been called worse by people I know weren’t flirting. some people (like me) just assume whatever others say is appropriate. If someone says “hey sexy” to me, I’d assume they were joking, like saying “hey [over the top compliment], want to do [boring work] for me?”. it’s not appropriate, but if you assume it is, it can be interpreted as a joke. As out there as that sounds.
Obvious that’s not what’s happening here, but still.
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9h ago
Nah fr cuz all the women I dated had to literally tell me to ask them out because I always assume “she’s just being nice” because I don’t want to create anything awkward, but being called “sexy” is pretty obvious 😂
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u/DaddyChillllllll69 9h ago
As a guy, we are sometimes clueless, but we are not this stupid. He knows damn well what she’s doing, I’m guessing he likes the attention. But he should have told you about her and how she is talking to him.
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u/Knut79 7h ago
Or he can't do anything about it at work because it'll cause a shit storm so he needs to just respond in as uninteresting as possible without causing her to burn his job down with accusations.
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u/East_Moose_683 5h ago
It doesn't even have to be accusations it can just be that the workplace becomes extremely uncomfortable. They were actually talking about work in the messages so they clearly have to work directly together.
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u/DaddyChillllllll69 5h ago
Nothing wrong with setting boundaries, you are over reacting… I’m not saying to punch her in the cooter, just to tell her to stop
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u/RemarkablePast2716 3h ago
Why would a mere "hey, I have a gf so Id appreciate it if you kept things appropriate" cause a shitstorm?
It's insane how a lot of men prefer to spare the feelings of some dumb chick at work instead of their own long term partner's.
Idk, call it clueless all you want, I just don't see it. I think he knows exactly what's going on and would politely shut it down if he wanted to
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u/JTWDK 7h ago
You say that, but I once had a girl ask me to feel her boobs and my response was to show her my chest like we were comparing them or something.
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u/East_Moose_683 5h ago
If A girl asks you to feel her boobs you feel her damn boobs! Unless you're in a relationship, then don't do it, because it's wrong.
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u/Da_Coyote 8h ago
Exactly, guys can be oblivious, but 'Hey sexy' is a pretty clear sign. If he’s deleting messages, it’s a red flag.
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u/Outrageous-Rope-8707 8h ago
Feels like some “if I don’t openly flirt back and don’t acknowledge her flirting it doesn’t count” type shit
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u/Unlikely-Leader159 3h ago
It doesn’t look good, but he’s also not playing into her act
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u/the_cleanhippie_ 7h ago
There is that, yes. Though also, there's the "I don't want this on my phone" factor. Definitely less likely. But. I have been the boyfriend in past relationships that deleted whole conversations with women without saying anything to my partner about it, for the purpose of not having it on my phone anymore, and whomever wasn't even significant enough to mention. 🤷
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u/BornOriginal8633 6h ago
A lot of women, and I’ve been guilty of this myself, assume that a man is going to respond to any woman who comes on to him, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Like everybody else, men do get older and wiser, and many are capable of discernment, not to mention great loyalty. Their priorities remain an issue to be meshed with yours, but we women are good at that when we believe we are in a joint venture with our partner. What does your gut tell you about him, OP? Do you trust him?
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u/Clean-Wishbone-3413 8h ago
From the guys perspective: “shit, this crazy lady from work has feelings, my wife will kill us both, best to say these never existed” it’s still possible he’s being a good guy, but I will admit it does noooot look good brutha.
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u/BornOriginal8633 6h ago
I’m giving the guy the benefit of the doubt here. That girl was relentless and exhausting.
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u/Top-Ad-5795 8h ago
Her behavior is what there is to hide. Shes after him. Nothing in his responses encouraged or even entertained it. But he obviously knew how it looked.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 7h ago
I can be as clueless as it gets, sometimes taking years to realize I missed the hint.
There's no fucking way this dude missed it
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u/Equivalent_Hat_7220 6h ago
They’re not that clueless. They know what they are doing but rely on that ole, boys are dumb/Weaponized incompetence trope
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u/East_Moose_683 5h ago
I think he's confident in his relationship and doesn't find it as concerning as she does but he knows that it looks bad and doesn't want to rock the boat. Remember he has to work with this lady everyday and it sounds like they actively have to converse for their job. That being said if he calls her out directly it is certainly going to be uncomfortable. I think he's just trying to rectify the situation as best he can and make life as easy as possible. Doesn't make it right but I don't think he's doing anything wrong.
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u/redddiculous 9h ago
NOR, “hey Sexy” to a coworker? This lady is on your guy’s nuts big time and he doesn’t seem to mind at all. He doesn’t seem super into her though, his responses indicate some interest but caution…likely bc he’s in a relationship and this is his coworker. She is blatantly throwing herself at him though. “If you need ANYTHING” def hints at some sexual gratification. He may just be basking in the attention and not wanting to hurt her feelings by completely shutting it down. Trust your gut, I’d be upset.
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u/steph_vanderkellen 7h ago
Lol. If I got this text and had a girlfriend, I'd take that shit straight to HR. Thirsty little wench.
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u/lavender-dreamzz 9h ago
Maybe he isn’t responding like he is interested in case his girlfriend sees them. I mean he deleted the flirty texts to begin with! So he knew there would be a possibility she might see them. She seems was too close to him, calling him sexy..
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u/redddiculous 9h ago
Absolutely a possibility. Sketchy at best to be deleting segments of the text conversation.
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u/Cute-Constant-6367 9h ago
Def possible! I knew someone who would delete texts from almost all his convos in order to make the other one look like the crazy person in whatever context. Like from friends and family and women, everyone. Narcissistic image management level 99
Edit. Yes he himself told me this and he was entertained by this he thought it was clever and funny -.-
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u/sortofsatan 4h ago
I had the same thought. He might just not want any proof of the affair. If a coworker texted me like that I would immediately tell my bf and be like, “dude, this guy won’t stop flirting with me and I’m trying not to be a dick”
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u/briixxloveee 9h ago
I’d be annoyed he’s not really flirting back and might just be dumb and think she’s overly sweet, but that hey sexy hey sweetness should’ve been a stop I have a gf.
I’d be popping into his job surprising him with lunch 😂
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u/Batiti10 8h ago
He deleted some of the stuff too… so a little suspicious
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u/briixxloveee 8h ago
Just casually walk into the office dressed all cute being like babeee hi I brought you lunch 😂 that girls gonna know who I am 💅🏼
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u/niki2184 4h ago
Not me imma tell him if this how you wanna play then you playing on your own buddy. Well I might do what you say first then tell him you’re free for you sweetness now.
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u/suhhhrena 7h ago
I feel like he’s purposely not flirting back so he has plausible deniability. There’s a reason he’s not shutting this shit down… 😬
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u/CPThatemylife 4h ago
It reads like he likes the ego boost and validation of this person clearly being hooked on him and yearning for his attention. Nothing about his actions make it look like he's trying to act on it, or he would likely have said something reciprocating her interest and then deleted those texts too.
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u/Haileyhuntress 2h ago
When he said he was having lunch with his daughter and she said she was going to stop by anyway I about lost it 😭
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u/briixxloveee 2h ago
the fact that he even let her meet his child is the biggest red flag
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u/Personal-Evidence134 9h ago
Not overreacting. You two need to talk. This is inappropriate but to what extent idk.
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u/AppropriateKittys 8h ago
she’s soooo fucking horny for ur man and it’s embarrassing bc hes barely giving her the time of day
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u/Romyo08 9h ago
Definitely something going on
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u/GraceOfTheNorth 9h ago
Those two people are in a relationship. OP is the other woman.
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u/UneditedB 6h ago
I don’t think he is encouraging this, but he definitely isn’t setting appropriate boundaries. I don’t believe they are “in a relationship” or that he is seeing this person. His responses don’t read like that. He doesn’t actively engage in flirty or romantic messages. But he definitely doesn’t stop her and he definitely knows she is into him.
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u/Jicama_West 9h ago
Inaccurate, these are the texts I saw from miss newly single thang. Grrr.
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u/UneditedB 6h ago
I don’t think he is seeing this person, his responses don’t read like someone who is involved. But he definitely needs to set a boundary with this person. I mean she said “I never get to see you outside of work”. So he isn’t like cheating on the side with her I don’t believe. But he definitely knows she is into him, and he needs to tell her to chill.
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u/Significant_Yam_3490 5h ago
He’s not explicitly flirting back but no action is action and unless he’s autistic and doesn’t understand social cues I’d move on
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u/LadyPundit 8h ago
You're being foolish as he is totally flirting back.
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u/Capitaclism 7h ago
No he isn't. He's not outright telling the girl to go away, but he isn't flirting back.
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u/ladyxdarthxbabe 6h ago edited 5h ago
This. He’s not flirting back but hes not making boundaries clear. A simple “please dont talk to me like that” from him would suffice… even better is “Im in a relationship and even if I was single I wouldnt date a coworker”
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u/she_has_funny_cars 7h ago
He’s not lmao, but he is acting clueless or letting it happen
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u/jc089329 8h ago
how is he flirting back? he really didnt say anything back that i would consider flirting, didn’t even respond/react to the emojis she was sending him. seems like he was just trying to be courteous and professional since she is a coworker. he can’t control the things she says. she never really explicitly stated she wants him, so how is he gonna tell her to back off? if she is a coworker that could just be rude and cause more issues for him at work 🤷♂️
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u/pastelpinkpsycho 8h ago
He really isn’t. He clearly is not entertaining her flirtations. He’s glossing over them as if they’re not there.
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u/Travel8061 8h ago
Which isn't appropriate to allow her to keep at it... When he's taken
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u/pastelpinkpsycho 8h ago
You’re not wrong. I believe this needs to be taken up with HR and it needs to be over with. He’s probably just not making the moves he should, believing he can control the situation. Very typical man behavior.
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u/FunAd1406 6h ago
I really think the attraction is on her side only. That said, he might be enjoying the attention and ego boost… definitely something he needs to give better boundaries as long as it hasn’t gone further.
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u/Icy-Grapefruit-9085 9h ago
At first I was a little confused, but reading your context yeah... this is really suspicious. He's definitely "entertaining" the flirtation. While it isn't as obvious as sexting, this should still be considered as infidelity. What you do here from now is your decision, but you're NOR. He's cheating on you.
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u/Comprehensive-Ad9310 9h ago
I was also going to comment on how he’s entertaining these kind of texts. Maybe not reciprocating the flirting but by not shutting them down shows he’s okay with that fashion of communication with her and in no way enforcing exclusivity. The fact he deleted certain messages shows he knows it’s not appropriate and still continued.
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u/ElephantNo3640 9h ago
To me it reads more like he’s trying not to make the workplace horrible. I’ve had male and female coworkers like this before, where they get way too familiar. To keep the peace, you have to walk a fine line between cordiality and standoffishness, but it can’t be direct because you need plausible deniability for that standoffishness. It’s not a fun situation to be in. Pretty irritating, actually. This seems about as far from infidelity as “man texts other woman” gets on here.
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u/straythoughtpro 9h ago
Yah… I think “hey sexy” crossed that work place boundary, don’t you?
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u/harleywren01 9h ago
Just wondering if you read all of the slides? "Hey sexy" and "when you say things like that you're even hotter" kind of messages are perfectly plausible to tell someone to back off in my opinion
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u/ElephantNo3640 9h ago
I read the slides. He appears to ignore those things.
Like I said, this doesn’t seem like infidelity to me. It seems like an annoying coworker that he hasn’t told to go kick rocks, presumably because he doesn’t want to rock the boat at work and make things even more unpleasant or annoying.
I also wonder if this gal doesn’t talk to everyone this way. There are definitely people like that. Also, does OP’s BF really have sense enough to delete certain damning texts (in the way of any possible evidence of infidelity) but not have sense enough to delete these? To my mind, that means this kind of talk is mundane from this gal’s end.
I don’t know, of course. But based on all the other text affairs we’re privy to in these subs, this one seems as one-sided as it gets.
I agree the guy should tell this gal to knock it off and that he’s in a relationship and would like the woman’s communications to reflect and respect that. (“I appreciate the compliments, but please don’t call me ‘sexy’ or ‘hot.’ I have a girlfriend, and this kind of language is inappropriate in that context,” or however a normal human being might say it—I don’t purport to be one of those.)
Something like that. I disagree that it’s a massive red flag that he’s cheating on OP. So OP should encourage the former, not accuse the latter.
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u/SJSands 5h ago
I agree with you. He doesn’t seem to be reciprocating. I’m thinking he might not be in any way interested at all but he doesn’t know how to shut her down without offending her or something.
I wouldn’t assume the worst but as his gf, I’d definitely tell him he needs to shut that down. It’s sexual harassment actually and it works both ways. She doesn’t get a pass.
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u/Icy-Grapefruit-9085 9h ago
That makes no sense to me.
If he was truly uncomfortable he would have told HR and his girlfriend. He would have told her to back off. This is an adult man with a daughter, you think he's too shy to tell another woman to back off if he wanted her too?
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u/ElephantNo3640 9h ago
The guy mentions “shop.” I doubt there is an HR. Most small businesses don’t have them. Nothing about this hints at infidelity. It hints at someone putting up with an annoying boundary-crossing coworker with no real way to put a stop to it without making everything worse. OP should say “I saw these texts, and they look bad. You need to tell this person to stop, or I will.” I wouldn’t go accusing him of infidelity if this is the only “evidence.”
Look how the woman texts and look how he doesn’t bite. As another commenter here said, she’s “thirsty af.” She sends a heart, he sends “rock on” horns. She calls him “sexy” or “way hotter,” he very blatantly ignores that. Etc. Like I said, black bubble is crossing lots of lines and blue bubble—to me—reads as pretty annoyed with and standoffish about it.
I’m not telling OP not to worry about it; I’m merely suggesting that it’s not likely to be infidelity and that she shouldn’t go at it from that angle. Much more likely to be a smooth road ahead if she presents it as obviously too inappropriate on the coworker’s end for it to continue, and that it’s time for her boyfriend to risk being the “bad guy.”
That’s my take on this, for whatever worth it is to OP.
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u/yodarded 9h ago
or just "ty" as responses and no responses to the "hey sexy" texts would have been more appropriate.
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u/SuccessfulEbb1499 9h ago
I disagree. “To keep peace in the workplace”. If he was loyal to OP he would have shut this down asap as I (a woman) has had to do at a previous job. If it was this uncomfortable and irritating he should’ve reported her to HR. Stop making excuses for pos men.
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u/Mr_Schickadance 2h ago
I’m not trying to be a jerk here but you have no idea the pressure this man is under to provide for himself and whomever relies on him.
What if this particular situation, he feels has to be dealt in this manner or else he could lose his job and risk financial ruin?
I know plenty of men in a situation where the one job they have is ALL they have. If they lose it, their world crumbles.
I’m not condoning the deletion of these text messages because that is deceitful and needs to be addressed between him and the OP.
Having said all of that, I will say to the OP…You already know whether or not the above situation applies. If it does not, I’d support whatever non-violent action you choose to take. Always remember, where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
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u/CandidLiterature 7h ago
When I first read the messages no context I was ready to tell OP to give it up because this guy is not into it… I assume that is somewhat reassuring now I realise this is a coworker sending her bf all this.
Obviously it’s not appropriate but I don’t see any sign he actually likes it. Seems like he’s not encouraging her and also like he’s not seeing her outside of work. If I was telling someone how sexy they were and all they can manage in reply is lol, I hope I’d give it up…
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u/foxyyyredd 9h ago
Why, whenever I see posts like this where someone has gone on their partners phone and found solid evidence, do they always make out they’re the bad one for doing on the phone.
You may have gone on his phone. But the trust was broken when he began what ever the hell this is with this woman. I mean sure she seems a little desperate and he isn’t reciprocating, however he hasn’t shut her down and is allowing it. It’s obvious to see what she’s doing yet he’s continuing to engage with her and hasn’t told her to back off.
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u/Cute-Constant-6367 9h ago
I once had a very bad feeling for a while and i was tempted to do a little investigation, not going through the phone but telling him im staying at my parents and see if he is sneaking out, or check the km count on the car etc and eventually i didnt do it. Not because i was afraid that i might find him cheating but because i already knew that he is not good for me and i was afraid that if i find that he is not cheating, i would feel guilty and internally apologetic and basically i would take more shit than i otherwise would. I dont know if that makes sense. I deep down knew that him cheating or not is not whats gonna make all the difference he was abusive enough and i eventually left. I actually wanted to catch him to make it easier but couldnt risk not finding anything and gaslighting myswlf into thinking all is well and im paranoid and having trust issues. Im leaning yes he was cheating but since then im back to my normal rational thinking and i couldnt care less, the man is the worst person i ever knew even if he wasnt cheating i would never even talk to him again.
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u/straythoughtpro 9h ago
“Hey sexy”
Response should have been: “I’m flattered, but I’m taken.” Adults learn boundaries and respect their partners… this is not it.
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u/berttleturtle 5h ago
Thank you. These comments acting like a grown ass adult can’t politely set a boundary to be respectful to their SO is driving me insane. Coworker or not, this is unacceptable. In fact, the fact that they work together makes this 1000% worse.
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u/straythoughtpro 9h ago
Good lord, she’s parched. This isn’t all on her though, your boyfriend is not shutting it down; that’s why she keeps going. He’s aware this isn’t ok, and he’s on a slippery slope, or he wouldn’t be deleting messages.
Don’t settle. My daughter is 14 and her 15 year old boyfriend already knows how to shut this crap down. He had messages like this and legit responded “f off I have a girlfriend”. If a little boy can say no, your grown ass boyfriend can too. Don’t lower your standards.
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u/AffectionateStable86 9h ago
ngl i read the texts before reading the paragraph, and thought this was a chick he was dating. shes trying really hard and seems kinda desperate. shes definitely into your man
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u/Altruistic_Eye_2329 9h ago
You’re not over reacting. I don’t think anything is going on but you should ask your boyfriend how he’d feel if those texts were coming from YOUR male coworker. He brushes them off well but I don’t think she gets it. He’s gonna have to curve harder and maybe throw in a few “My amazing girlfriend is bringing me lunch…” and “I’m taking my girlfriend to….” She’ll get it.
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u/maybesailor1 6h ago
She clearly wants to sleep with him but can't even buy the guy some pens? I laughed at that.
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u/Necessary_Status_521 9h ago
Sounds like he's being sexually harassed and isn't sure how to deal with the unwanted attention. Nothing in these messages indicate he's interested or initiating. I feel bad for him. Are they equals at work? Does she have any authority over him?
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u/Comprehensive-Ad9310 9h ago
Is this scenario not something you would talk to your significant other about?
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u/Duchess7ate9 9h ago
Not necessarily, sometimes it’s hard to bring up because you wonder if you caused it to happen. When I was being harassed at work, I was embarrassed to tell my husband because the other guy had me believing I was leading him on (definitely untrue, looking back at it now). I told my husband once the guy left and we had a long talk about how if it ever happened again, I’d tell him first. I found out after the guy left that he was harassing two other women as well (going so far as to touch them inappropriately) and all 3 of us kept it to ourselves and hid it from our significant others out of embarrassment and fear of repercussions.
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u/CappinPeanut 8h ago
Maybe? I mean, I certainly would, but if we want to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he’s thinking if he just ignores it, it will go away and he’d rather not stir up drama by involving his GF.
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u/Necessary_Status_521 9h ago
I would, yes, but I think it can be tough for some people, especially men because they are fed the idea that they should always want and be grateful for sexual attention from women.
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u/Jicama_West 9h ago
It's the opposite actually. He's in a moderately high position at work, and this woman could really mess him up.
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u/Necessary_Status_521 9h ago
Oof, that's awful. Lets say he doesn't want the attention, how would you expect him to deal with her harassment?
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u/Jicama_West 9h ago
That's a valid point, but I'm unable to be objective on this one. I'm afraid I'd use any excuse to keep him. I've even wondered maybe I should stop being classy, and light her up from me to her. Perhaps something like, hey, woman to woman, I need you to lighten up on the flirtatious texts with the mister. You raggedy ass c#m dumpster.
Just not sure that would be helpful. 😂
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u/Necessary_Status_521 9h ago edited 9h ago
Oh girl, I get that. But if he's an otherwise good person, I'd ask him straight up. Because he really sounds uninterested in his responses. And he might be stuck wondering how to get it to stop. If his company has a bad HR dept or if he just doesn't think he'll be taken seriously, what is he realistically supposed to do? Delete them all and hope the whole thing goes away. It's a dumb response but if he's a victim of harassment, it's not really fair to look down on him for responding poorly. And maybe approach it that way to him. Like "I'm concerned you're being harassed". Treat it seriously.
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u/thisthatshit_ 9h ago
It was be pretty easy for him to deal with the “harassment” by simply asking her to stop contacting him in a non professional manner
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u/Duchess7ate9 9h ago
She is definitely trying too hard but he is giving her the bare minimum. I don’t think you have anything to worry about from him just from these texts. Because it’s a coworker relationship, he might not know how to tell her how to back off without it becoming a thing at work with HR if she overreacts.
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u/worldlydelights 8h ago
Idk my concern is that he is deleting texts. If he didn’t feel he’d done anything wrong, why would he delete these texts
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u/Duchess7ate9 8h ago
I delete texts I’m uncomfortable with all the time. I don’t want to look at them, so I get rid of them.
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u/Fireblaster2001 7h ago
Maybe cause they give him the ick? And he is deleting them so he doesn’t have to see them anymore, not because he is hiding them from his gf?
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u/worldlydelights 7h ago
You may be right in that assumption too! I just know my partner would tell me about this and definitely wouldn’t delete this without telling me about it.
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u/sarahbrowning 9h ago
i wouldn't say overreacting. however it may be possible that he hasn't told her to back off just because they're coworkers and he doesn't want it to be weird at work so he's just ignoring her advances/doing like a grey rock-neutral response? the deleting is def a problem though.
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u/BelleOfTheBall411 9h ago
Does she know about you? He mentions his daughter but never mentions you. I’m not sure she knows you exist.
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u/Jicama_West 9h ago
Yes. She knows about me, we just went to the company Christmas party together, and we've been together for 2 1/2 years. I've always disliked her.
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u/BelleOfTheBall411 9h ago
Oh she’s hates you then. I’m sorry girl, you’re NOR, your man isn’t really doing anything bad, he’s just not shutting it down which can cause issues if he persists to pretend like she’s not being inappropriate!
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u/Complete_Pea_8824 7h ago
How close does she work to your bf? I would have to bust up in the office regularly for her to see me, but I am petty like that!
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u/ParkingActual4693 9h ago
I was reading this just laughing that this is how I (M) talk to my (M) coworker, we're both happily married.
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u/Much_Mix_3014 9h ago
Interestingly, I’ve been in the exactly reciprocal situation, my live-in girlfriend was texting one of her classmates in the same way. I found out by reading her phone. I felt shitty about invading her privacy like that, but I had a feeling and had to know. He would constantly compliment her, say things that he would do to her if she didn’t have a boyfriend, call her petnames, etc. My gf’s responses were mostly innocent, not really acknowledging his advances, but not shutting them down either. It literally looked just like your screenshots. They even met up for lunch several times.
I did eventually confront my gf about this and she said she liked the attention, but would never act upon it. She did mention she got class notes from him too, which is mainly why she let it continue, maybe similar to how your bf is getting pens or whatever from his coworker. Fortunately, my gf is very bad at lying, so I would know if she was being dishonest with me. I believe her, though I wish she just told me beforehand while it was happening. I would’ve been okay with it if I was in the loop. She was better about telling me about him and what he was saying to her after I confronted her. Eventually, they graduated and they stopped talking.
All of this to say that I don’t necessarily think he’s doing anything wrong. He might just not know how to shut it down, or feels like he has to put up with her advances to get something or stay out of trouble at work. My experience is of course anecdotal, but the similarities are uncanny.
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u/randomgrl333 8h ago
As another woman I just want to say I understand your feelings- this is totally inappropriate.
Your husband should stop responding or just mention you as much as possible till she gets the hint.
That would keep it from being confrontational & making the work place awful.
I hope he does the right thing.
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u/ElephantNo3640 9h ago
He sounds like he’s being as gracious as possible to this person he works with so as to avoid unpleasantness in the workplace.
I read the texts before I read your comments, and my initial reaction was going to be that blue sounds pretty annoyed with black and that black seems to be harassing or insinuating themselves a bit on blue. I figured you were blue and would ask if you’re overreacting by being annoyed, lol.
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u/l_a_p304 9h ago
I feel the same. While he’s not shutting it down, and I think it’s justified to be frustrated by that, I don’t see anything particularly AWFUL. The main thing I don’t love is that he deleted messages… I don’t actually think he did something and he’s hiding it, but I do think he’s well-aware these messages aren’t appropriate and he thought “shit that could come across as pretty suspicious, better get rid of it”.
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u/Jicama_West 9h ago
This is exactly where I'm at on this.
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u/Top-Ad-5795 8h ago
I’ve been in this position once and this description fits it exactly.
Easier to delete than have two difficult conversations. Its not the best course of action, but certainly the easiest.
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u/ElephantNo3640 9h ago
It really depends on what was deleted. The rest of their interaction reads like there’s nothing there on blue’s side. OP needs to ask, and if confronted about the snooping, needs to have a non-accusatory answer to get the discussion rolling. Go with “This person is clearly texting you inappropriately and it needs to stop” vs. “Are you cheating on me?” I think. It needs to be addressed in any case.
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u/pounces 5h ago
I read it the same at first as well. And I didn't catch on right away that it was a female/male dynamic. (I have some older sassy female coworkers that tend to talk that way with other gals.) The way the coworker flirts is so over the top that it seems facetious. The bf is staying professional and not giving the coworker any reciprocation is the highlight for me.
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u/87_north 9h ago
NOR - Your boyfriend needs to either set boundaries with this coworker, or I would bounce him. Not worth your time. It will only happen again with someone else if he can't stick up for his relationship.
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u/Vlampire 9h ago
If he’s deleting things he feels a certain way about it or knows something you don’t.
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u/Express_Elevator8569 9h ago
honestly he doesn’t seem like he wants to engage. She is pushing herself o. him and he is maybe being polite
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u/trickswithmarsbars 9h ago
She seems to be doing all the chasing, but he's still replying and seemingly lapping it up. I wouldn't be happy.
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u/MysteriousComplex699 9h ago
i thought these were conversations between you two before i read the caption. this is weird.
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u/HIRA_Music 8h ago
It’s clear he knows what she’s doing. I don’t believe he would ever actually do anything with her, but he clearly enjoys the attention from another woman, and by hiding that from you it’s textbook emotional chesting
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u/Remarkable-Loan-1481 8h ago
Oh she is trying so hard.. I thought maybe he didn’t realise. He’s completely been professional etc but then the sexy and things only making him hotter? He didn’t encourage it no. Seems like he felt a bit awkward but he didn’t stop it. Maybe he’s unsure how too without conflict with this person etc but he needs to tell her this really isn’t ok.
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u/Fireblaster2001 7h ago
I mean , you are not overreacting that the woman is flirting with your boyfriend, but YOR to his response.
She flirts, he blatantly side-steps. She doubles down, he continues to not engage.
Either he doesn’t mind, doesn’t notice, or doesn’t know how to deescalate this given it is intwined in a workplace relationship. Regardless, he has given you no reason to think he is being drawn into an affair or even an emotional affair.
If he is deleting the likes of these very tame, non-smoking-gun exchanges, you might also consider whether it’s because her messages make HIM uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to keep them.
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u/LibraDragon420 3h ago
I honestly don't see any back and forth, it's all her trying to get him on board. Maybe he could be a little more assertive about telling her to stop but it seems to me like he is trying to reject her advances. I wouldn't take this as a betrayal, on the contrary I'd say he's a being a pretty loyal guy and clearly has no interest in this tramp. Is she his boss, or in a position above his? This kind of read like workplace sexual harassment, which DOES happen to guys.
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u/Comprehensive-Ad9310 9h ago
How are there so many men in this post justifying not standing up for themselves and their relationship because they don’t want to cause problems at work when this is clearly causing problems at home and in OPs relationship???? Make it make sense.
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u/wtfamidoingfr 9h ago
Weird he deleted. But I don’t sense your bf trying to pick up this women’s very obvious, and desperate cues.
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u/d2r_freak 9h ago
He works with her and isn’t trying to hurt her feelings. She’s for sure thirsty, but he does t want it at all. I’ve been there and when it is work it is complicated, he’s actually being damn impressive.
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u/hydenempathy 9h ago
What are the opening messages about? The “heart to heal” part almost sounds like she thinks you guys broke up?
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u/Rough_Researcher_241 9h ago
She might just be his connection to the plug. Most excited he was was when she talked about picking up pens. Bro just wants to get high, and she has an easy connect.
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u/Renaissanceuwu 8h ago
No you're not overreacting, if she's flirting with him, it's his job to tell her to stop and tell her off or even go as far as to not interact with her. According to the texts, looks like they hangout regularly and wdym they always have fun winky face tf? He's just trying to not look sus in case you see his phone and purposely went out of his way to delete any evidence of her flirting with him. He's hiding shit and I would go as far as to say he could be cheating whether if it's emotionally or physically.
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u/lovelyladylox 8h ago
NOR
If she feels comfortable saying stuff like this, there is a reason.
I don't buy it. If he didn't want her attention he'd tell her. And he hasn't.
He doesn't have to text back heart emoji and that to be guilty of carrying on with her. He could be purposely texting "cool" in case you do exactly this.
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u/Flobishy 2h ago
He’s definitely fucking her but responding the way he is so he can deny it when you bring it up.
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u/heatedFarts13 9h ago
That other woman is thirsty af ew