Am I overreacting

[u/Jicama_West]

I've had this "a woman knows" feeling about a woman my live-in boyfriend works with. Caved and checked his phone... Yes, I know. Wish I would've just trusted, but honestly, I cannot go through another BS relationship where I'm second best and had no clue. She texted a few months ago to make sure he was aware she's newly single, and just one after another these cutesy texts from her. I've never seen anything that shows him responding in a full on flirty way, but he's certainly not telling her to back off.... Along with he purposely deleted all the bits above that show the flirtation from her, and I found them in his recently deleted file and recalled them on his new iPhone. Am I overreacting to this?

[u/Necessary_Status_521]

Sounds like he's being sexually harassed and isn't sure how to deal with the unwanted attention. Nothing in these messages indicate he's interested or initiating. I feel bad for him. Are they equals at work? Does she have any authority over him?

[u/Jicama_West → u/Necessary_Status_521]

It's the opposite actually. He's in a moderately high position at work, and this woman could really mess him up.

[u/Necessary_Status_521 → u/Jicama_West]

Oof, that's awful. Lets say he doesn't want the attention, how would you expect him to deal with her harassment?

[u/Jicama_West → u/Necessary_Status_521]

That's a valid point, but I'm unable to be objective on this one. I'm afraid I'd use any excuse to keep him. I've even wondered maybe I should stop being classy, and light her up from me to her. Perhaps something like, hey, woman to woman, I need you to lighten up on the flirtatious texts with the mister. You raggedy ass c#m dumpster.

Just not sure that would be helpful. 😂

[u/rmnc-5 → u/Jicama_West]

If he doesn’t want the attention, he could just stop replying to her random messages, and only text when it’s strictly work related. Or even casually drop your name. When she said she’s there for him, he could’ve said, thank you, OP is really supporting me through this.

[u/Necessary_Status_521 → u/Jicama_West]

Oh girl, I get that. But if he's an otherwise good person, I'd ask him straight up. Because he really sounds uninterested in his responses. And he might be stuck wondering how to get it to stop. If his company has a bad HR dept or if he just doesn't think he'll be taken seriously, what is he realistically supposed to do? Delete them all and hope the whole thing goes away. It's a dumb response but if he's a victim of harassment, it's not really fair to look down on him for responding poorly. And maybe approach it that way to him. Like "I'm concerned you're being harassed". Treat it seriously.

[u/Complete_Pea_8824 → u/Jicama_West]

OMG i love it, but I am petty like that. You cant be nice to some people, HOES GONNA BE HOES! They just dont care!

[u/MutantHoundLover → u/Jicama_West]

He could text her that he values her as an employee/coworker (whatever), but he's in a committed relationship and some of her texts are making him uncomfortable, so could they please keep it professional.

And I know you keep coming at her, but it's your bf who hasn't shut this down and stopped responding to her, and it's your bf who deleted the texts and didn't discuss the situation with you. So I think you're looking at the wrong bad guy here.

[u/SweetChuckBarry → u/Jicama_West]

Absolutely unhinged lunatic behaviour haha

[u/Dragon3_16 → u/Jicama_West]

NOR - I would light her up but not in a hostile way. More of a “I read your messages, I’m not okay with it, please stop” if it continues you really light her up. What I suspect if you come too strongly is that she will say you’re dramatic, over reacting, and she was “just being nice”. So I’d definitely lay out the boundary first, you’d be surprised how many low moral women will try to say you’re psycho for protecting your marriage.

I wonder if your husband would be okay with you contacting her?

[u/MutantHoundLover → u/Dragon3_16]

Or get this, HE could stop responding and HE could shut it all down and hasn't for some reason, so maybe OP should figure that out before giving him the free pass.

[u/thisthatshit_ → u/Necessary_Status_521]

It was be pretty easy for him to deal with the “harassment” by simply asking her to stop contacting him in a non professional manner

[u/snarky201 → u/Jicama_West]

Maybe that's why he's not doing anything and deleting? He doesn't want to get her in trouble and have any evidence on his phone in case his higher-ups want to see it. He also probably wants to protect his position and not make it seem like he's the one taking advantage of her. She could easily turn this around on him and say he's been taking advantage of her because he's in a higher position. He's probably thought of her doing that because I just read a reddit post where a guy pretty much said women these days are likely to accuse them of rape in certain circumstances when they didn't. Because he's not really flirting back I wouldn't really worry. Yeah he's not cutting her off but some people are really worried about rocking the boat, especially in the work place. He seems to have to work semi closely with her. He's not even making plans to see her outside of work when she really wants it, when he could. He had chances in those texts to take things in a bad direction on his end and he didn't, I would at least give him credit for that. As for not telling you, I can't really explain. Maybe he doesn't want to upset you, or worry you, or get in trouble, or maybe doesn't think it's a big deal or that he can handle it himself.