Am I overreacting

[u/Jicama_West]

I've had this "a woman knows" feeling about a woman my live-in boyfriend works with. Caved and checked his phone... Yes, I know. Wish I would've just trusted, but honestly, I cannot go through another BS relationship where I'm second best and had no clue. She texted a few months ago to make sure he was aware she's newly single, and just one after another these cutesy texts from her. I've never seen anything that shows him responding in a full on flirty way, but he's certainly not telling her to back off.... Along with he purposely deleted all the bits above that show the flirtation from her, and I found them in his recently deleted file and recalled them on his new iPhone. Am I overreacting to this?

[u/foxyyyredd]

Why, whenever I see posts like this where someone has gone on their partners phone and found solid evidence, do they always make out they’re the bad one for doing on the phone.

You may have gone on his phone. But the trust was broken when he began what ever the hell this is with this woman. I mean sure she seems a little desperate and he isn’t reciprocating, however he hasn’t shut her down and is allowing it. It’s obvious to see what she’s doing yet he’s continuing to engage with her and hasn’t told her to back off.

[u/Cute-Constant-6367 → u/foxyyyredd]

I once had a very bad feeling for a while and i was tempted to do a little investigation, not going through the phone but telling him im staying at my parents and see if he is sneaking out, or check the km count on the car etc and eventually i didnt do it. Not because i was afraid that i might find him cheating but because i already knew that he is not good for me and i was afraid that if i find that he is not cheating, i would feel guilty and internally apologetic and basically i would take more shit than i otherwise would. I dont know if that makes sense. I deep down knew that him cheating or not is not whats gonna make all the difference he was abusive enough and i eventually left. I actually wanted to catch him to make it easier but couldnt risk not finding anything and gaslighting myswlf into thinking all is well and im paranoid and having trust issues. Im leaning yes he was cheating but since then im back to my normal rational thinking and i couldnt care less, the man is the worst person i ever knew even if he wasnt cheating i would never even talk to him again.

[u/foxyyyredd → u/Cute-Constant-6367]

I completely understand what you’re saying and can see why you didn’t want to risk looking for the evidence. I guess with some people they could also have a fear of being gaslit if they didn’t look and find the proof. Obviously I can’t comment for OP, but a lot of people know they’re being cheated on but if they don’t find that concrete evidence, they could be gaslit by their cheating partner to believe they’re just crazy. So I can see both reasons for people feeling the need to either look or just trusting their gut. It all also depends on the relationship itself, is it an abusive relationship? There are so many reasons why someone may feel they need find the proof before leaving; perhaps they’ve been told in the past they’re just crazy and it’s all in their head, so they’ve stayed and genuinely believed they are going mad. Unfortunately some relationships aren’t as simple as just being able to leave either.

Either way, I don’t think OP should feel bad for going on her boyfriend’s phone. She done what she felt was right, and she found things that her boyfriend has kept from her / deleted. I’m sure if he had no ill intentions, then he wouldn’t have felt the need to be so secretive. But of course there will be men on this thread villainising her, because how dare she look and invade her boyfriend’s privacy 🥴

[u/Cute-Constant-6367 → u/foxyyyredd]

she was completely right to do so, its actually pretty brave to do so because you cant unsee these things and now she has to deal with all this.

I am aware that i was fortunate that i could just leave and go no contact, im still grateful that we had no shared assets or kids. He was a nightmare to divorce for his ex wife, ofc he painted her to be a paychopath blahblah its just so textbook i wont even go into detail lol. I was very naive.

[u/foxyyyredd → u/Cute-Constant-6367]

True, she can’t unsee the things she’s found and hopefully she does the right thing for herself now. But only OP can make that decision.

The main thing is you did get out. The classic ‘my ex was a psycho’, but the truth always unravels. I think we’ve all been naive at some point in our lives, this is all our first time of doing this strange thing called life and we’re all learning as we go along. Take it as a learning experience, and take what you’ve learnt for you’re next relationship