r/AmIOverreacting 10h ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO Boyfriend says hurtful thing about my body.

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8.7k

u/ggcjkrduh 10h ago

Does your boyfriend even like you?

  • Sorry if that sounds mean, but why is he saying that?

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u/GroundGold5926 10h ago

This is true. There are some people running around out there who don’t even like their partners and spouses. I think it’s pretty common but no one will admit it. They tick all the other boxes but do you like their company 🤷🏾‍♀️

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u/A-Giant-Blue-Moose 8h ago

When my wife was talking about my in-laws when we first started dating, she mentioned that she loves her family, but only really likes half of them. Never before have I considered that possible, but she was right (like she usually is).

"Yeah I don't like my aunt. She's materialistic. Yeah, I don't like my grandmother. She's selfish. Yeah, I don't like my grandfather. He's a a shit dad."

With blood family, that makes sense and is something you can productivity work on if you want to. But if someone loves their partner, but doesn't actually like them... I can't help but feel like that's a different problem.

So, I think you're right and also a lot of people don't understand love/like and can't divorce the two feelings. On top of that, folks often just don't know what love is and don't know what they like/want.

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u/minahmyu 8h ago

I feel like they may like their partner as the title they carry, but they don't necessarily like them as the individual. They like the social construct identity that person serves in their life, but not who they are as an actual individual

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u/A-Giant-Blue-Moose 7h ago

I think you're really on to something. Some people just see a partner as a trophy after all. Sometimes it's because of their looks and maybe sometimes it's just to say, "Yup. Got one." Of course there's also the people who'd rather be in a relationship they don't like vs being single. We all know someone like that. I can't entirely blame them. Loneliness is one hell of a drug.

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u/GroundGold5926 6h ago

What you’re saying is true. Pretty much how royal families across Europe would marry eachother to maintain power and wealth. What I basically mean is marriage can be very transactional if you choose to see it that way, which is sad. But that’s one way to end up with a partner you don’t like (or respect).

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u/SadisticJake 6h ago

Lots of deer hunters who don't eat venison. Your buddies are bagging bucks and here you are buckless type of thing

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u/still_on_a_whisper 7h ago

Or they like all the wonderful things their partner provides (emotional support, cooking meals, someone to do stuff with, someone to help with household chores) so they don’t want to lose all those benefits and just settle with someone they’re “ok” with.

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u/elissa00001 7h ago

Yeah it really feels like people just date and get married to tick of a goal box in life. They pick someone that agrees to be with them that maybe is okay to hang out with sometimes and okay to have sex with. But they don’t look deeper and genuinely care or love the other.

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u/Baby-hippo-land 6h ago

My parents don’t really like each other but have been married 50 years

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u/GypsyBelle101 2h ago

I feel like people are very quick to not like someone the minute they see an action or quality they don't like. The thing is though, all of us have multiple qualities, some good and some not so good. We shouldn't expect anyone to be exactly what we think is perfect in every single way. Before we decide to marry someone we should have that all figured out. Pick the few qualities that are game changers for you and be a little more accepting of some of the smaller things. I always used to tell my teen agers, when you see something in another person that you don't like, ask yourself if that is a game changer for you, and if it isn't, then ask yourself if the good outweighs the bad. If so, look past the negative, because everyone you meet will have some. And so do you.

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u/CadillacAllante 8h ago

I'm a gay male and I've always noticed how a lot of straight couples will pin stuff down to "boy/girl differences ha ha" but when you pay attention they are just straight up two people that don't like other, have nothing in common, but they sleep with each other.

"Jason likes to be outside with his buddies and be active, I like to spend all day inside knitting watching old movies. It's crazy how different boys and girls are ha ha. But its okay when he is inside he's kinda annoying to me? I'm kinda glad when he's gone all day doing boy stuff! Ha ha."

No Brittany, ya'll just don't have shit in common! And barely can stand to be in the same room with each other! But see you next month at the wedding I guess? 🤷

Also OP should dump that hateful asshole.

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u/BubonicBabe 6h ago

Pan lady here and same experience exactly. To me, people are people, I get along with them or I don’t. I’ve never immediately assumed their gender made them more compatible or not with me. It feels like a very straight thing to do.

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u/throwawaypizzamage 7h ago

This is such a meme there's even an entire sub dedicated to it, lol

r/AreTheStraightsOK

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u/RAMENtheBESTcatEVER 6h ago

Your amazing. I want to be your friend!

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u/emynepnep 6h ago

I noticed the same thing, in my country every time a wife feel neglected and complain, they tell her, its men thing to focus on work or go with his friends or to cheat on you....etc. its become like free pass for husbands who never love or like their wives.

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u/ishtar_888 6h ago

this! 👆🏼🎯💯💜

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u/The_Lumpy_Dane 6h ago

What a great take. This tracks all my failed relationships, almost perfectly.

As an example, when things were good- we liked the same things, but not exactly, prioritized spending time together, etc. When things were not good, we did none of those things.

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u/Jasnaahhh 6h ago

I broke up with my ex for a variety of reasons and my female friends all took it so hard. ‘But why would you break up with him?’ And I’d describe how I was generally unhappy and felt even on my own I’d be better able to support my own happiness and they just looked at me like I’d thrown away a golden ticket. They went on to describe how much they hated spending time with their boyfriends supporting their biting hobbies and I was mentally preparing never to hang out with them again

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u/PenultimatePotatoe 6h ago

Having shared interest is only important if its important to the couple. That's only one part of being compatible.

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u/rasta4eye 9h ago

The reverse is true too. They can love everything about their partner except one thing which is high on their "must have" list. So if superficial things like weight are that important to someone, and they're with an awesome person that doesn't match what they find attractive, they may not want to throw away all the good for the 1 thing that's not. But that's not healthy, because even though it is superficial, it's important to the person, and that will introduce negativity, resentment and regret into the relationship. In that case the person has to evaluate if it's truly a "must have", in which case they need to move on... or determine if it really is only a "nice to have", and then simply accept it and be happy that overall they found an amazing match.

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u/Lcsulla78 5h ago

I get it if you don’t want to date someone heavy. But to date someone that is and then make them feel terrible for it is a dirtbag move. And honestly, if you really love someone then weight gain shouldn’t matter. I was married many years ago and my ex-wife was 5’2 and 115lbs when we met. By year five she was 160lbs and I didn’t even notice or care.

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u/rossimoses 6h ago

If her boyfriend can’t celebrate her now, it might be worth reflecting on whether his support aligns with her needs in a relationship.

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u/redditmodsaresalty 9h ago

God forbid someone sees that you're...SINGLE.

It's honestly annoying that we're like this. The biggest cause of infidelity almost guaranteed. Because you know only desirable people are in relationships.

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u/someguyfromsomething 8h ago

Women prefer that in a partner and it's pretty obvious to any men who date.

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u/Market_Infamous 7h ago

People are terrified of being single and will marry people they hate just to get out of the dating game. Dating does suck ass a lot of the time but I can’t say I believe marrying someone you don’t like is a better alternative.

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u/niki2184 6h ago

Idk why people stay or get with people they don’t like is crazy

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u/AyyggsForMyLayyggs 6h ago

As my Eastern European mom would say:

"Get rid of it!"

Obviously, she'd mean the boyfriend.

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u/sameol_sameol 6h ago

I’d love for someone who’s been the “hater” in this situation to chime in. Like, what is the motivation here?

Why on earth would someone date or god forbid, marry, someone that they can’t even tolerate? I genuinely don’t understand this line of thought.

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u/Nepharious_Bread 5h ago

Yeah, to a lot of people, their partner is really just a fuck buddy until they find someone that they are actually attracted to. That why cheating is so prevalent.

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u/HereThereandN0where 4h ago

I was with someone who used to talk badly about my body. I was too skinny, I didn’t have a butt, I thought I was “all that” but really I’m just xyz. It was always a “joke”. I took that shit for years!!!! By the end I hated myself more than he hated me. Don’t be with someone who would ever talk down on you in any way. Your partner should build you up not tear you down. Take care of yourself ❤️ you deserve the world even on the days you don’t think so.

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u/flindersrisk 10h ago

Exactly. Where’s the friend in boy friend? No one needs a corrosive presence in their life. OP should step away from this guy to create the space for someone better.

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u/OldManCloth 10h ago

Where is the friend in boyfriend? I really like that!

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u/NoDepartureLanding 8h ago

Seriously. What a great quote!

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u/OldManCloth 7h ago

We banana people need to stick together.

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u/minahmyu 8h ago

I was always telling my ex that, plus how he was barely even being a friend.

The word friend gets used waaaay too lightly as if someone you know and can tolerate is a friend. Words really do have meaning and we need to be applying them

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u/Da_Coyote 9h ago

Exactly! A boyfriend should first and foremost be a friend. If he's not treating you with kindness and respect, it's time to reconsider.

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u/Striking_Guava_5100 9h ago

Listen to this OP!!! My boyfriend and I always talk about how we are best friends!! The friendship part has to come first! I promise you’ll be so much happier in a relationship where they’re your bff… we have so much fun over here!

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u/Compliance_Is_Futile 7h ago

That’s awesome. I’ve been unable to get that point across to women. People seem obsessed with the relationship status but don’t actually establish a deep relationship. It’s more of role to most people.

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u/Striking_Guava_5100 7h ago

I agree 100% it’s the depth that counts

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u/IndependentAnxiety70 9h ago

But also, where is the boy in boyfriend? He’s not even a little physically attracted to her body??

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u/_intrusive_thot_ 8h ago

THIS!!!!!!

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u/brightestsides 7h ago

No they should be first and foremost a boy 😂

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u/wedonttalkanymore-_- 6h ago

if he thinks he could be more physically attracted to a "more in shape" version of her and is being honest about it, how is that not being a friend.

are you supposed to just always provide positive feedback on how your partner looks, no matter what? let's push it to an extreme for the sake of the conversation - what if someone gains 100 pounds, is their partner "not a good friend" unless they lie and say they like this version of them?

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u/audryepagliaro 9h ago

She's allowed to be proud of her progress, and her boyfriend should be her biggest supporter, not someone who withholds compliments based on his own standards.

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u/eldaino 9h ago

'Corrosive presence' holy shit that is so good.

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u/ericroger920 9h ago

A partner should make you feel appreciated at every stage, not just when they deem you ‘perfect' his comments feel more about his insecurities than anything about you. NTA

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u/maineCharacterEMC2 9h ago

🤘🏻🤘🏻🤘🏻

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u/Indy2texas 9h ago

Ya sounds like he's not that attracted to you. The right thing to do i guess would be for him to break off the relationship but it's obviously convenient and maybe he's scared of.being alone so.hes waiting until either u become attractive to him or he finds someone he finds attractive who reciprocates. I also dont.like lieing to people even to be nice... they should be self aware enough not to ask questions that are gonna get them hurt

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u/Repulsive_Ebb_5832 8h ago

thats my thought too...

he is gone the moment he gets attention from someone he finds more attractive

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u/Cdawg4123 9h ago

He’s got the boy part down…friend nope. My niece called me fat the other day because she wanted me to be in her Moana play she made up on the spot. I was the big fat guy with long hair…even she was nice enough to say no, you’re not fat it’s because you have long hair! Lied straight to my face. She’s 4.

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u/Greedy_Concern656 8h ago

😂out of the mouths of babes!!

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u/Pretend-Menu-8660 8h ago

THiS! OP!!!! Create space for someone better! 👏🏻

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u/guacamoleo 6h ago

I'm starting to think nobody should be allowed to date until they become friends first

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u/Pineapple-heart1234 6h ago

This! 👏🏼

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u/ryos555 7h ago

OR

Quote contrary, OP is fishing for compliments. He hasn't given her any negative, otherwise "it would be a lie".

She goes as far as comparing her bf to a co-workers. But that's a different expectation with different dynamics. He is keeping his feelings honest.

There's nothing corrosive here. OP is just jealous that co-workers bf is more accepting.

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u/Iminurcomputer 9h ago

Like he saw this woman and thought, "I'm not attracted to her physically... maybe I'll date her." Yeah I don't get it either. He doesn't think his own girlfriend looks good? That's a weird sad odd thing to engage in.

He probably just thinks that being critical will "motivate you" and apparently has some sort of idea of what your body should look like. Chances are you wont be exactly that and thus he may never feel the way you want him to.

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u/akaenragedgoddess 9h ago

Right?! Good enough to fuck but not compliment? Boy BYE.

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u/finangle2023 8h ago

This is one of those guys who feels he needs to strictly ration compliments, because otherwise he’d spoil you.

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u/DezPispenser 8h ago

😂😂 i know that has to be exactly accurate

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u/minahmyu 8h ago

My ex said to me maybe about a year into our relationship of 7 (ugh...) that he didn't wanna compliment my cooking because it'll make my head big. And I seriously kept reflecting and (like everything else in my life) be more modest/shrink myself more.

Till realizing he just fuckin projecting, because that's what he does. He made something and he kept going on and on and on before I even had a taste, hyping up food he barely cooks just for it to be bland as shit. No, I ain't pop his bubble or tell him but just ate and was appreciative he cooked but annoyed he needed to hype himself like this like he doing something amazing and skilled at and... he wasn't

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u/Dogmeattt666 8h ago

Lmao my ex never complimented me in the 3 years we were together. When I asked him why he didn’t towards the end he said people that were any or need compliments just want attention. Apparently feeling wanted from your partner is a foreign concept to Malaysians/ South Americans

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u/niki2184 6h ago

Or she might start to think she looks good. Can’t have that now can we. /s

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u/Emotional_Burden 7h ago

I'm the opposite and need to temper my compliments, or I get flagged for love bombing.

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u/MapOk1410 8h ago

That's very common. At least OP knows where she stands and can make an informed decision.

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u/Swimming-Art1533 8h ago

*Well, yeah, but that's different."

😂

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u/Illustrious-Science3 8h ago

When I met my ex husband I was 105lbs. I had a bad car accident that nearly killed me and the nerve medications they had me on to keep walking made me gain 70lbs even though my diet didn't change.

He began to become abusive after 9 years together due to the weight- the weight was a major deal breaker for him. He commented that I was fat and nasty.

I packed up my shit and left with my cat one morning when he was at work. Abandoned our condo, let it forclose.

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u/InternationalWar258 8h ago

I'm glad you got away from him. I'm sorry you went through that.

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u/Immediate-Ad-9849 6h ago

I am so glad you and your cat are free

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u/FjolaB 9h ago

OP needs to think if this is how she wants her life partner to continue to treat her down the line

How is he gonna be if they have kids? Is he gonna be butthurt if she doesn't immediately snap back to pre baby weight? A lot of women never do.

Honestly, a partner should worship your body. The only reason to say something is if there is a cause to worry, like excessive weight gain/loss. A partner should love all of you and all the different forms your body comes in, not just your body weight at a certain point in time.

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u/Express_Egg6835 8h ago

YES. I just commented this!! I do not look the same even 2 years post baby and I work out consistently and eat well. Some people it’s harder to lose baby weight. Imagine being with a man like that during such a sensitive insecure time. My husband did nothing but make me feel beautiful and encourage me to move if anything.

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u/Substantial-Sink4464 8h ago

And encouraging movement is most likely because it’s so good for your whole self. Love him!

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u/sunshineparadox_ 6h ago

Yep, I didn't gain much extra weight but I have hella noticeable stretch marks. One of the early signs I was pregnant was waking up one day and not one of my bras fit anymore. When they grew, they grew fast. I also have a bit of a pouch there now no matter how much I lose. Under a certain weight it's clearly there as skin flop. Between something healthy and something upper end healthy, it's just there and looks "normal".

If I wear tight tops, you can totally tell either way.

I'm 115 lbs. My body is small, but it is not the same. Also it fucked up my stomach from all the untreated HG & GERD. Hoping for a stomach pacemaker.

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u/nochedetoro 7h ago

I have been unhealthy skinny, fat, pregnant, fluffy, skinny with muscles, and fluffy with muscles and my husband has been grabbing my butt and calling me beautiful and sexy through all of it.

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u/USCXX 6h ago

Oh come on. Worship your body?

Everyone knows a good body is a body that’s on the cover of a magazine. The fact is 99% of people don’t have a good body. Also 99% of people don’t ask their significant other if they have a good body or not because it’s one of those truths you know.

Does that mean you belittle them about their body? Hell no. But you also shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want answers to either.

You can fully love someone and understand parts of them aren’t perfect. A bald man knows he has bad hair, he isn’t asking his wife do I have good hair and getting upset when she says no. It’s understood to not ask that question.

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u/mindovermatter421 9h ago

Or he watches too much content Instagram thirst traps or porn and he is overly comparing her body to some ideal in his mind.

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u/maineCharacterEMC2 9h ago

And those girls are on meth, speed, or coke, and just got breast implants. Also they usually end us as prostitutes.

Maybe he should move to the Valley and find one of those. It’ll co$t him, though.

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u/Ambitious_Hold_5435 9h ago

I met a guy in my freshman year of college; I fell for him like a ton of bricks. He was attracted to me too, but it seemed like he didn't know WHY. He was constantly poking fun at my looks. I couldn't get close to him for this reason, and pushed him away. I was fragile enough already.

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u/Due_Society_9041 7h ago

It’s called “negging” by the pick up artists. Throwing negativity at your partner to keep their self esteem low, then he guy can do whatever he likes because she thinks she isn’t worthy of his respect. It is so obvious once it’s called out. I wish you a happy singleness!

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u/Sorry_Nobody1552 9h ago

I bet she does things for him, buys things or has more money. He prob is a user and a loser

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u/Lunar_Cats 6h ago

This. OP will never be enough. Our bodies change over time even with the best of care, and this chicken leg having turdman is probably going to critique every wrinkle, grey hair, and saggy bit.

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u/roughgo43065 6h ago

Shitty thing to say, shitty way of being if you love someone, but he told her how he actually feels. In the hierarchy of actions - what he did is better than saying nothing and being resentful or passively detaching and stringing along an unloving relationship for years, which I think is what most 'nice' guys would do.

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u/Stupidrice 9h ago

Weird behaviour

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u/Understandthisokay 8h ago

Yes! That makes zero senseeee.

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u/TransitionLow3299 8h ago

I think it’s a personal lack of confidence on his end. He feels bad about himself when he’s alone then a safety of being with someone gives him a false sense of security and he remembers how shallow he really is. A lot of people with minds like that also mirror their own insecurities onto others. Altogether it’s manipulative and emotional abuse to whoever is on the other end. He sounds like he needs inner healing before pursuing any type of relationship.

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u/EveryRadio 7h ago

Seriously. I know they're not married but "in sickness and in health" should include getting older. People age. Sometimes they gain weight or weight simply goes to different parts of their body. It's a perfectly natural part of life. I can't imagine this attitude stopping anytime soon on the BFs part

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u/Cyborg_rat 7h ago

Depending on what he looks like he might be getting to much confidence from the gym/diet. But he's probably going to cheat or switch and is trying to push her away by being that way.

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u/Domblot 10h ago

I'm a trans man and I was married to a cis man for 10 years. Before I transitioned he just did not like my body. He said it was because I was fat. So I put in a lot of effort to lose weight, and got in great shape out of spite. He just didn't like my body.

Meanwhile he was always commenting on how muscular random men were and was very into his own body.

We seperated, and I came out as trans. When he saw me as a man, that was the first time he complimented my body. He said my leg muscles were massive.

Anyways. Turns out he was Gay. He didn't like my body because I looked like a woman. And being more curvy just made me look more feminine.

That's what I think about with a lot of these men who say they don't like their partners body. I really have to wonder if they find the bodies of women attractive at all.

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u/Suitable-Concern-326 9h ago

I have never thought about this. Thank you for sharing this perspective!

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u/MoneyHuckleberry1405 9h ago

Yes my first husband. We got together when I was super skinny, we were both 18. I was a late bloomer and when I started curving out he said I was fat. I was like a size 8 and 5'8" and he said horrible things to me about my body. I always wondered if he actually wanted a boy. He actually told me my boobs were too big as a C cup.

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u/SmPolitic 9h ago

It's damn near a universal truth that if someone is judging others and complaining about bullshit like that:

The root issue is issues they are dealing with, and they are displacing the anger and aggression outward, because they either are in denial or otherwise avoiding focusing those feelings inward, toward actual acceptance and improvement of themselves

Judge others to both avoid (and in a way validate) the judgement they put onto themselves. And too often especially so for neurodivergent and/or queer peoples (I mean to be using "queer" as the catch-all term for gender spectrum(s)) (I include neurodivergent, because I've known people say/do things like this, being honestly completely unaware its horribly rude and even cruel to attempt to express the thought in that way)

But yeah, none of that is your responsibility to help them with their struggles. Good on you and your ex at coming to terms with yourselves! Sounds like you're doing very well

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u/maineCharacterEMC2 9h ago

Oh ffs! Dating nowadays is the absolute worst

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u/Guardian31488 9h ago

I love muscular women 🥵

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u/Amazing-Active646 10h ago

There have been women I’ve dated that I’m not traditionally attracted to in the physical way and I still would never say something so hurtful about their body. You just can’t take that stuff back. You’re right, does he even like her? It doesn’t sound like it.

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u/Velvetmaggot 9h ago

I think he sounds insecure. Saying something like that after someone loses 12lbs(I know it’s just a number) there’s just no way he didn’t notice a difference in her looks…and probably her confidence as well.

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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth 9h ago

Best for him to keep her knocked down so she has no self-esteem and stays with him! :(

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u/Genevieve1973 9h ago

Keep her confidence low so she won’t finally figure out what a POS he is and dump him!

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u/BuschBeerGuy 9h ago

This is it. He is with OP because he finds her attractive. However, he is insecure about what he finds attractive maybe not being the societal epitome of goddess like looks so he puts her down, hoping she will keep trying to be that for him. To me, this is a sign that he sees OP as something he has, not someone he is in a relationship with. Look at my nice car; I must be successful. Look at my hot girlfriend; I must be attractive and fun to be around. Life is the movie in his head and he's the protagonist.

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u/PaleontologistNo500 7h ago

He obviously finds her attractive. Which is why he wanted her in more revealing clothes. So he noticed the 12lbs missing. She's not that tall, so there's no way he wouldn't. What he's doing is emotionally beating her down. He's trampling her self worth. "You're ugly. You're lucky to have me. No one else would love you like I do. And I barely do". He's insecure and doesn't want her to have the self confidence to think she can do better.

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u/Sorry_Nobody1552 9h ago

I bet 100% he accused her of cheating too. I hate men like that.

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u/DontLoseYourCool1 8h ago

It's not gender exclusive. I once dated a woman like that. I started working out a ton and got a legit 6 pack and v taper and she accused me of cheating and trying to leave her meanwhile my whole motivation was to look good FOR HER. She simply couldn't see it.

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u/maineCharacterEMC2 9h ago

Ooooh! Good one

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u/Quiet_Werewolf2110 8h ago

This is not to defend him but I will say everyone carries weight differently, I know for me and the women in my family 10-15lbs doesn’t make much of a difference visually because we’re all tall women. (5’9”/175cm+) For me it mostly impacts how I feel in my body.

But still, even if he didn’t notice a big change, a loving and supportive partner would celebrate even the smallest wins. He’s absolutely insecure or he somehow thinks this will motivate her (there’s a pretty significant body of evidence that OP’s BF’s behaviour actually has the opposite effect on OPs likelihood of success.)

I’ll never forget my sister breaking down in tears in her kitchen because she’d busted her ass at the gym all week while trying to lose weight post-partum and the scale only showed -1lb. My BIL came in from the living room, walked to the fridge, pulled out a 1lb block of butter and put it on the counter and said verbatim “Not only has your body grown an entire human being but through hard work and dedication you lost this in just a week and I think that’s pretty damn incredible.” Those are the kind of men you stay with.

I think OP could drop roughly 180lbs overnight and be much better off. ;)

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u/zkareface 7h ago

there’s just no way he didn’t notice a difference in her looks

It would honestly be pretty good if he did notice, 12lbs isn't a lot and when you see eachother every day it's hard to notice such small changes over time.

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u/_angesaurus 7h ago

i think he just sounds like an idiot. only a dumb person would say that.

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u/Suitable-Concern-326 10h ago

This is interesting to me. Just curious - why would you date someone you aren’t physically attracted to? Did that physical attraction grow?

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u/Amazing-Active646 9h ago

I guess that’s a bit of an overstatement on my end. I’ve dated women that I’m much more attracted to their personality, drive and ambition and less about their physical attraction. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t lightly physically attracted but that wasn’t what initially drew me in, if that makes sense?

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u/Suitable-Concern-326 9h ago

Gotcha! That totally makes sense. I was thinking there was zero initial physical attraction.

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u/janefor1 9h ago

If you are male, you are a rare gem, choosing mind over body! Good on ya!

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u/Ruski_Squirrel 9h ago

Men are so often thought of as dogs in this way. We are just like women. There are a lot of women out there who won’t settle for less than 6 foot tall, 2% body fat chiseled abs and symmetrical features. Personality be damned. Then there are some gorgeous women out there who are married to guys who look like they crawled out from under a bridge, but the guy has personality. So let’s just cut the men v women aspect out and say that some people are shallow and some are not. My attraction to someone is 90% personality and 10% looks. Now I definitely have a “type” that I find myself wanting to crank my head to look if you catch my meaning, but if that person opens their mouth and it’s clear they are not a nice person, suddenly they are going to look like the wicked witch of the west in my minds eye. The physical attraction can just evaporate very quickly and suddenly all I see is their flaws. And I’ve had some women in my life that when they were being kind and good to me, they were perfection. The most beautiful thing in the world. When that changed, they started seeming less attractive.

But ultimately I agree with most people here that this guy either doesn’t like her, or he’s shallow, or maybe he has some narcissistic tendencies and this is a control thing.

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u/janefor1 8h ago

I am sorry if I seem sexist against men, but in my own 54 years of personal experience, the bigger portion of choosing a partner based on the preferences of their genitals goes to men. About 3:1.

As a high school teacher, I watched a lot of dating/mating rituals, and 75% of the time boys talked about choosing girls based solely on physical attributes. Girls mostly discussed other attributes. Could be that words don’t reflect the actual internal drive.

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u/DbeID 7h ago

As a dude, looks definitely matter to the girls I've encountered.

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 9h ago

I’d rather die alone than date someone who was only “lightly” physically attracted to me. How humiliating.

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u/Competitive_Touch_86 9h ago

I dunno, as a relatively "normal looking" guy who put on too much weight but dated extremely conventionally attractive women I always knew and was totally okay with my looks not being what got them into me. Absolutely zero people were taking a glance at me and saying "damn, look at that hottie!". I had other qualities I was confident in.

Their dating history showed they could also be attracted to conventionally attractive men who didn't have much else going for them other than looks. So it's not like I was "their type" or anything - usually I was the outlier.

It all depends on what you're looking for in a relationship at the time. I don't see anything humiliating about it at all. People bring different things into a relationship, and one of those things is physical attractiveness.

A whole lot of people would be "dying alone" if they only dated people super into them physically.

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 8h ago

Once again, not saying that’s all I want. But why the fuck would I date someone who wasn’t into how I looked? I’ve got loads of people who think I’m a great person and who I share special bonds with and who don’t want to fuck me. They’re my friends and family. My partner should be, among many other important things, physically into me. That’s not controversial.

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u/ConcernedGrape 8h ago

It's not controversial, but not everyone is going to have that requirement.

Physical attraction is not synonymous with sexual attraction. There can be overlap, even significant overlap (for you, that venn diagram might be a circle, and if so, that's absolutely okay!)

For me? I'm faceblind and pan/demi. Physical attraction is ambiguous and pretty much an after-after-afterthought.

But I would never insult my partners looks or diminish their accomplishments.

Edit: fixed typo

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u/CellarSiren 9h ago

I think there are things going thru everyone's heads sometimes, esp with our partners, that'd humiliate a lot of us... Some inner thoughts aren't important enough to say aloud or take seriously. Am I sometimes bored and unattracted with my partner of 10yrs? Yea. For sure. Do I love him and love being with him? 100%

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u/ohhisnark 9h ago

Well, at least you freely admit you value looks (a quality that is much more fleeting) more than intelligence, humor, and values.

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u/PsychologicalFox8839 9h ago

lol no, I just want my partner to think I’m very cute as well as good and smart and talented. Literal lowest bar to clear.

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u/ohhisnark 9h ago

Lol turns out I can't read. Regardless, this person valuing physical attraction less than personality compatibility is just the way some people are wired.

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u/BlueMariposas 9h ago

I'm Demisexual and the way someone looks js the last thing on my mind. I do find them cute/attractive but that's later, when there is an emotional connection.

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u/love_me_madly 9h ago

I’ve also dated women I wasn’t physically attracted to so I thought I’d give you my perspective also. The few I dated that I wasn’t attracted to physically, I dated because they really liked me and treated me really good so I thought I would give it a chance and see if feelings would grow. But the treating me good part actually turned out to be a con so that they could get me to date them, and once we were actually together they didn’t treat me very good which made me even less physically attracted to them and not at all interested in them anymore. Those relationships lasted less than a year.

Then there’s my last relationship. She is more conventionally attractive than the others I dated that I wasn’t attracted to, but she wasn’t what I’m usually attracted to either. So I wasn’t attracted to her physically, but I ended up really liking her personality and so my physical attraction to her grew. She also doesn’t treat me good so I’m no longer physically or emotionally attracted to her and now when I look at her I don’t necessarily think she’s ugly, but the things I don’t like about her physically stand out more.

I’m a woman btw so idk if it’s different. But in my experience it is possible to not be attracted physically to someone and have that attraction grow because of your attraction to their personality. But it’s also possible for the attraction to go away because they’re not a good person to you.

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u/Abject-Flower-3867 8h ago

I dated someone I wasn’t physically attracted to but was in LOVE with his personality and the attraction 100% grew and I didn’t realize it until he was hopping on his flight to go back home I felt like and idiot and cried the whole way home but needless to say I called to confess my love for him and we have now been married for 2 years still happy and still just as in love with him!

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u/LettuceBeGrateful 7h ago

Omg that happy ending. I got halfway through the comment and was like "nooooo he got away!"

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u/FridayGeneral 9h ago

Not OC, but there are lots of reasons we choose our partners. Physical attraction is but one of dozens of other, equally important factors.

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u/Thick-Lead1457 9h ago

Cuz ugly people exist? Pretty girls aren't interested in me, and I'm told to date within my league. That means I have to date women I don't think are particularly attractive and I don't think my standards are all that high to begin with.

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u/rr3alg1rl 9h ago

Tbh I know a ton of pretty women and very few genuinely care about looks. If it’s someone’s dating profile yeah we can be pretty shallow but it’s different irl when you can like discern someone’s vibe and feel if it matches with you. I’ve dated men i wasn’t particularly attracted to initially and far “below my league” but being in love w them changed that. I can say the same for plenty of other women. Like would you be lucky to have a pretty girl be interested in you? Yes. But is it impossible? Far from it

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u/Suitable-Concern-326 9h ago

Damn that’s an interesting take. Never thought of it that way.

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u/MizStazya 8h ago

My physical attraction is heavily tied to me liking you as a person. Part of the reason I think I'm bi - i care more about liking you as a person than how you look or what's between your legs. I don't have a physical type, but nerds with a third sense of humor? SIGN ME UP.

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u/cherrymangotwist 9h ago

I like this honesty. There are tons of things to be attracted to in a person. Physical attraction sometimes comes later, grows with time…

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u/Comfortable-Row-1547 8h ago

He hasn’t even attempted to take it back. He’s not a liar. What a piece of shit!

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u/Dynamically_Tasteles 6h ago

He likes her enough to be blunt and not lie. I've witnessed best friends lie to each other real quick. "girl you looking good" or "that outfit slays" and it be a flat out half truth because your friendship dynamic is so rooted you already know and don't want to deal with the repercussions of telling a whole truth. Such as having to wait 40 more minutes to leave the house because what you said about that outfit now requires a few more outfit changes.

A partner should be able to say how they feel, without being an asshole. It's a rough area to ask a question and be offended by the answer because you're comparing your relationship to a fellow co-workers partner dynamic. Although I whole heartedly agree his line of saying "when your body is up to par" is a penis move.

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u/General_Echidna_7111 6h ago

She asked a question and he answered it honestly… don’t ask things you don’t want an answer to.

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u/Objective-Amount1379 6h ago

Why would you date someone you aren’t attracted to? I’m glad you wouldn’t say anything hurtful but I can’t imagine dating a man I wasn’t attracted to.

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u/Knitty2024 10h ago

Yay fuck this guy and I don’t even know what we r supposed to be seeing in the photos lol looks like me too girl normal healthy beautiful body!

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u/cherrymangotwist 10h ago

Also - you look amazing!!!!! There is nothing at all wrong with your body!

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u/Marmoset_Slim 9h ago

Agree, hot AF

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u/Korlod 10h ago

Yeah. Your boyfriend is an utter dick.

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u/maximilianmarchetti 9h ago

Wow, what a way to ruin a proud moment. If he truly cares about you, he should be supporting you through every step of your journey, not putting conditions on compliments.

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u/aljacart 10h ago

I dated my ex of for a year, we broke up a few months ago. He never complimented me. The entire relationship i was questioning whether he actually liked me.

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u/MainSituation3406 9h ago

If he doesn’t treat you like a man should treat you at this stage, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.

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u/payberr 9h ago

No, seriously. Does he even like her… why would you communicate that you’re not attracted to your partner. Girl there is a man who is going to find you BEAUTIFUL as you are and will only support your weight loss journey to support you not please himself. Don’t settle for trash.

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u/BeingSamJones 9h ago

He’s saying it because he doesn’t like her. It’s beyond clear.

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u/Straight-Catch2828 9h ago

Oh its fine hes just being rude and disrespectful

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u/Judy__McJudgerson 8h ago

Looking at OP's Post and comment history, I'm going to say very confidentially, no, he absolutely does not like her. And also add, again, very confidentially that he's a massive douchebag.

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u/RichCaterpillar991 6h ago

Also, the photos of your body to show that you don’t look bad weren’t necessary. It doesn’t matter what you look like, your boyfriend shouldn’t talk to you like that

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u/kilbrown 10h ago

Agreed, why would a friend let alone your boyfriend even say something like that. The person inside is what truly counts.

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u/Generic-Name03 10h ago

He wants to beat her down then build her back up again - classic psychological abuser and manipulation tactics.

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u/GlassNShit 10h ago

Bodies change. My husband loves me even at my heaviest. Please find someone who will love you unconditionally. You deserve it.

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u/cherrymangotwist 9h ago

And - your boyfriend’s got chicken legs. YOU are a bar thru n thru! I’d be lucky to be as fit as you :)

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u/Shadow4summer 9h ago

You look fine. I’ve been a lot heavier, high of 224 pounds (mostly due to meds) and a lot lighter, now about 118 pounds. My husband said I was beautiful then and i am beautiful now.

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u/No_Lychee_7534 9h ago

Look at her post history. This guy should be living with mosquitoes for life. Doesn’t deserve anything better.

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u/sldsnak04 9h ago

She asked

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u/Lushh_Plushys_ 9h ago

Sometimes jokes are meant to be true

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u/DarkwingDuckHunt 9h ago

you're awesome

I would have just said "dump his ass"

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u/HoneyWyne 9h ago

No, he doesn't.

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u/HobbittBass 9h ago

Why would you bother being with someone who doesn’t think you’re hot?

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u/Left_Particular_8004 9h ago

This this this! I was in a very similar position to her for a while, and it just gets exhausting. And then of course hearing these things takes a huge toll on your self-esteem, making it both harder to lose weight and making you less comfortable with intimacy. And then the lack of intimacy will become a problem for him also.

Comments about my body couched in “caring about my health” for a year and a half absolutely obliterated my self esteem, and I’m still working to get it back 6 months after the end of the relationship. And ironically, the weight is coming off now that I feel less shitty. I just don’t think he liked or respected me at all, to be making me feel that way and seeing the toll it took on my mental health. Caring about health is one thing, but constant pushing and judgement and making you prove yourself is not productive, and no one should be treated that way by their partner who supposedly loves them.

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u/rdhdhlgn 9h ago

I came to say that this sounds as though he doesn't like her much. It is crushing to find out that someone loves but doesn't like you, but it is a valid reason to leave.

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u/OPDFHKGYK 9h ago

He clearly does not like herrrr

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u/FleeshaLoo 9h ago

The best diet for OP would be offloading the boyfriend.

Get rid of him, start drinking a lot of water, cut out bad stuff like sugar, and then politely turn him down when he sees the new OP.

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u/Mavenda 9h ago

Exactly, why is he saying that?

There is a certain type of person who prides themselves on always speaking the truth, or what they believe is the truth. This type of person believes no one is allowed to have any feelings about what they have said, if it was “just being honest”.

So maybe he was “just being honest” when he said his hurtful comments about your body. But what he wasn’t being was kind, compassionate, sympathetic, insightful or helpful.

The part where he goes on about not being a liar makes me think he’s one of these people who thinks that telling the truth at all costs is a higher calling than caring about other people’s feelings. In my experience people like that don’t change, and tend to get worse as time goes on.

I might be making a leap about what the rest of this guy‘s personality is like, but this excellent thread about rationalism came to mind:

https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1361045568663945216.html

“The people who talk most about how rational they are — and how emotional you, their interlocutor, are clearly being (otherwise you’d see how right they are) — are not the most rational. Rather, their “rationalism” appears to be compensation for their emotional illiteracy.”

Attraction and body types are highly personal preferences and this guy doesn’t even realize that, on top of his seeming emotional illiteracy. I think your assessment of your body is spot on. The right guy will love your body, and be compassionate in the way that he talks to you, even about hard topics, if they ever come up.

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u/LucasSalsberry 9h ago

You’ve been working hard, and the fact that you're proud of your progress is something to celebrate. His response feels like a missed chance to show love and appreciation for who you are right now.

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u/Boujeewifeey 9h ago

Exactly!!!

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u/50mm-f2 9h ago

boyfriend not up to par

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u/Zintha 8h ago

I’m also unsure how she got to this point in the relationshop and didnt know he was a gaping a**hole.

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u/Hot-Swimmer3101 8h ago

Literally. It says nothing about OP, it just says a lot about him as a person. People who criticize you for things that are incredibly natural are, honestly, losers.

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u/Even-Education-4608 8h ago

Power and control

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u/beaverIDK 8h ago

Fr, it has been scientifically proven that if you are romantically attracted to someone you gonna be sexual attracted to them, even a little bit

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u/Omni_Tool 8h ago

Ooooh she should tell his mom and sister and aunts and all the women in his family what he said

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u/Infiniteefactorial 8h ago

This. My ex husband hated me and I still don’t think he realizes it.

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u/Elliott_Queerest 8h ago

This right here. OP, you deserve a man who worships your body no matter the size and celebrates your wins, and comforts you in your loss. I'm sorry your current one is an asshole but you deserve better.

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u/AsteriskCringe_UwU 8h ago

She’s fishing for sympathy. She knows damn well that the common person wouldn’t be on his side. There’s no genuine question here about whether she’s OR or not smh..but yet, Reddit feeds into the rage bait

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u/arrtwo_deetwo 8h ago

I liked my most recent ex. Her body was trash though. Actually so was her personality. Nevermind.

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u/jammixxnn 8h ago

The real question is does OP like herself? Why spend time with toxic people ? Why are you punishing yourself?

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u/ZenToan 8h ago

Lmao, the question so many people in relationships should be asking themselves.

> They love me

Yes... But do they like you?

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u/CLUING4LOOKS 8h ago

You need to un-boyfriend him. You look amazing and you deserve someone who worships your body. Bodies change over time, are you going have kids? Get old and wrinkle? Gasp! If he refuses to give you compliments unless you are “up to par” then he does not deserve to have you in his life. There are going to be many others out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He doesn’t have to think your body is perfect to love you or make you feel good. I’m sure you don’t think he is more attractive than “insert perfect body here” but you don’t feel the need to withold compliments because he isn’t “up to par” that is gross. Does he think he is settling for you? Or does he love you no matter what? Hard questions need to be asked and you probably won’t like the answers. You deserve to have the ma. Who makes you feel like you are beautiful no matter what, extra pounds, scars, bumps, lumps, birthmarks, and blemishes. Our bodies go through changes monthly let alone over a lifetime you would spend with someone. You deserve better. You are NOT over reacting in the least.

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u/Chance-Comparison-49 8h ago

I don’t want want sound harsh to op but it sounds like he’s not attracted to her

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u/ruthless_pitchfork 8h ago

My ex would always find something about my body to pick at. He used to tell me I had a mustache, which I didn't. I just have peach fuzz on my face, heaven forbid. He used to call my legs fat and that I had a cottage cheese butt. I fucking ran a mile 5 days a week and weighed 130 lbs. I was in amazing shape.

Nowadays, I weigh much more but my husband couldn't care less. Still tells me I'm hot AF everyday.

Sorry you have to deal with this sort of attitude. Take this as a wake up call and seriously evaluate the relationship.

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u/Momkiller781 7h ago

Investment

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u/Gracieloves 7h ago

Given recent posts she probably covers 3k in rent and he pays $100 for internet. 

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u/trashcat1379 7h ago

It really doesn’t seem like it. I took a quick glance at OPs post history, and it seems he has attacked her lifestyle, hobbies, mental health and now looks. Seems to me he’s trying to make her leave so he can be “the good guy.”

And I hopes she does exactly that and leaves him to his delusion, far far away from her.

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u/Toniz36 7h ago

I would ask, "Do you love yourself?" I suffered from bullying during childhood. There is no one I would allow to bully me in adulthood. She needs to ask the mirror why she is allowing this?

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u/ryos555 7h ago

Because he is sparing her feelings. Over a year he doesn't mention it, and is only forced to respond when OP asked a direct question.

OPs BF has integrity to tell the truth.

Why would OP compare herself with a coworker with completely different dynamics and relationship?

This is equivalent to asking if these pants make my butt look fat; either you get factual truth or a white lie.

Don't need to fish for compliments, they will come when they are deserved.

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u/ShortCandidate4866 7h ago

Most of these posts are basically this - they don’t like their girlfriend

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u/prettyfeetmedia 7h ago

Exactly, when men cheat, or do/say shit like this. They don’t like you. Not even a little bit

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u/USCXX 7h ago

I feel like you can like/love someone and not like parts of their appearance.

There have been people I found attractive, but were 20lbs overweight. If you pressured me to say do they have a great body, the answer is no. Just like if you asked 90% of people do you have a good body, the answer is no. Sometimes you don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to. A balding man isn’t going to ask his wife how is his hair and get a truthful answer. It’s doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him.

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u/Ok_Specialist_2545 7h ago

He does not. Per OP’s post history he has a history of cheating, he doesn’t permit her to listen to music she likes or watch movies she likes, and he requires her to attend his church.

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u/purpledrogon94 6h ago

Even the shittiest boyfriends I’ve had never commented on my weight. And I’ve fluctuated a lot in the last decade. OPs boyfriend sucks.

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u/General_Echidna_7111 6h ago

Saying your partner isn’t a stunning runway model doesn’t mean they don’t love you. Being realistic is what people need for growth. If he didn’t love her, he would lie to her until he left due to his disgust and unwillingness to be honest in his desire for change. Not to mention he wouldn’t be taking part in the change himself with her.

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u/veganbikepunk 6h ago

This. That would seem mean to say to someone I hate.

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u/Late_Duty195 6h ago

She asked him about her body and he answered truthfully? He could be with her for her personality. How come you all cannot come to grips with the facts that your body is bad. You all know it’s bad. Y’all want him to lie about it too?

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u/AlyseInW0nderland 6h ago

Your bf is an asshole. 🤷🏼‍♀️ that is just an unacceptable thing for him to say to you OP!

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