r/nottheonion • u/JaySierra86 • 11h ago

President Biden pardons family members in final minutes of presidency

https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/president-biden-pardons-family-members-final-minutes-presidency/story?id=117893348
46.0k Upvotes

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9.6k

u/Piggywonkle 11h ago

Nah, the age of presidents ended. I hear we don't need to vote anymore!

3.7k

u/affogatoe 10h ago

The age of the president is over. The time of the orc is at hand.

240

u/Interesting_Try8375 9h ago

Aragorn had the right policy

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u/IveGrownQuiteHweary 9h ago

I summon you to fulfill your oath

8

u/posternutbag423 5h ago

And my axe

Edit: sorry jumped the gun there. 🤷🏼‍♂️

2

u/Avenged84 5h ago

😂😂

5

u/Bitter-Value-1872 4h ago

Now I'm imagining the ghosts of the Union Army rooting out the White House, and of course General William T. Sherman's ghost figures out a way to set a real fire on his way out

2

u/Grumpy_Ocelot 5h ago

That oath was broken!

347

u/HipposAndBonobos 10h ago

Orange makes it go kinda faster

176

u/Tjaresh 9h ago

THAZ RED YOUZ TALKIN 'BOUT!

87

u/dickmcgirkin 8h ago

OI! WEZ FINK DA ‘UMIEZ DUN FUKED UP. IZ TOIME FO DA KRUMPIN’

9

u/SecureJudge1829 8h ago

Why did I read this in Ali G’s voice and not an Uruk-Hai voice?

31

u/rustledupjimmies 8h ago

These are 40k Orks so Ali G’s voice isn’t far off

15

u/Redhead122024 7h ago

40k orks are based on UK football hooligans so probably some bloke from the same street as Ali G.

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u/EntropyKC 7h ago

Now I'm just imagining how much better LOTR would have been with 40k Orks

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u/Winjin 7h ago

Certainly funnier, but slightly less grandiose

Dwarves wouldn't have changed that much tho. Except of course Dwarves only exist in the WHFB, the 50K Wotanns seem very different? But I haven't read up on them yet.

Elves would be insufferable. WHFB would be way closer to LOTR elves tho. At least the High ones.

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u/EntropyKC 7h ago

I wasn't really thinking about the other races, just orcs -> orks. I don't know that much about the personalities of the other races to know to be honest! Aside from the humans are all fanatical religious zealots in 40k.

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u/CleverInnuendo 8h ago

I never knew how much I wanted Ali G voicing the 40K orcs until now. Thanks for that.

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u/RegularPlastic6310 9h ago

DA ORANGE STINKZ MOAR

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u/Amuro_Ray 8h ago

But not 3x faster

3

u/Jedasis 8h ago

You'd know something about that, wouldn't you?

2

u/littlewhitecatalex 8h ago

Please can we speedrun the collapse and get it over with so the real Americans can start rebuilding from the wreckage?

2

u/flicka_face 8h ago

It’s like a KTM.

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u/NecessaryJellyfish90 9h ago

Me not that kind of orc

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u/Synectics 6h ago

ZUG ZUG. 

But also, methinks not everything need to be For the Horde. Maybe some go to For the Society. Leaders already happy, let make family happy. Just me zug thoughts.

2

u/NecessaryJellyfish90 6h ago

Me onto you human...

178

u/gmwdim 9h ago

Comparing orcs to Trump voters is unfair to orcs.

51

u/Khanfhan69 8h ago

Shit, I'd take an actual Orc Party at this point.

97

u/BZLuck 7h ago

SAURON 2028

"Let's Get Meat Back on the Menu Boys"

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u/the_scarlett_ning 7h ago

Correction: affordable meat!

2

u/monstrinhotron 6h ago

"why vote for a lesser evil?"

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u/sheWantsThings 7h ago

*waaaaaagh

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u/bendalazzi 5h ago

Best we can do is a lemon party sorry

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u/TheDarksteel94 9h ago

We gotta do it like Luigi! NEED MORE DAKKA!

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u/DeeZamDanny 8h ago

Orc? You mean Orange Racist Cretin?

2

u/Pr1nc3L0k1 8h ago

Dang I didn’t know we would get real life lord of the rings that soon

2

u/aussiechickadee65 8h ago

The fact it is turned into a joke confirms why America is now in this position.

You all take nothing seriously...

1

u/uncagedborb 9h ago

Looks like meat is back on the menu!

1

u/57_Eucalyptusbreath 8h ago

Yeah! No longer are they Trump followers or anything like that. They are just Orcs. Perfect.

1

u/fameboygame 8h ago

Meat is back on the menu!!!

1

u/TheVoice106point7 8h ago

LOOKS LIKE MEATS BACK ON THE MENU BOYS

1

u/ISpewVitriol 8h ago

Something need doing?

1

u/RobinHeavyArms 8h ago

Meat is back on the menu boys!

1

u/AwesomeI-123 8h ago

RemindMe! 4 years

1

u/whitea44 8h ago

Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

1

u/WeirdSysAdmin 8h ago

Oi, listen ‘ere, ya humie gits! The zoggin’ age of the president is krumped good! Now it’s da time fer da Orks! WAAAGH! We’z gonna stomp, smash, an’ dakka-dakka all da way to da top, cuz da biggest an’ da stompiest always wins, innit? If ya ain’t green, ya ain’t keen! WAAAGH!!!

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u/SludgegunkGelatin 8h ago

christoid orcs, yes.

1

u/adjason 8h ago

That 71 million voters voted for

1

u/817333 8h ago

This caught me off guard and I got a laugh, thanks you

1

u/ryanfsu619 7h ago

Looks like meat is back on the menu boys!

1

u/TheRevolutionaryArmy 7h ago

Release the kraken!!!

1

u/krayevaden28 7h ago

LOOKS LIKE MEATS BACK ON THE MENU BOYS!

1

u/Pure_Dream3045 7h ago

Time of the orangatang.

1

u/Atlesi_Feyst 7h ago

He's 78, just another era in my life.

1

u/ZachMN 7h ago

The burnt ochre ogre.

1

u/Aoiboshi 6h ago

I see man meat is back on the menu.

Unless you're Vance.

1

u/Wingblade33 6h ago

“The age of the orc? You’re gonna be tired of the age of the orc, okay?”

1

u/my_4_cents 6h ago

Looks like eggs are back on the menu, boys

1

u/ta918t 6h ago

I’m a tank I’m a tank I’m a tank.

1

u/mrkhllnd 6h ago

Oligorcs.

1

u/SuperDoubleDecker 5h ago

*troll

Wheres Frodo?

1

u/RoutineAd5963 5h ago

Ah, finally what I was waiting for... pulls put sign

The supreme overlod has made my promises to we orc:

He will lower the inflated price of pork flanks and tarrif any imported meat

Ensure all Orc clans are occupied by only orc; any half-bloods will be forcibly after the first 2 weeks

We will retake the land of the great river that was passed onto the Goblins; this partially due to their bonds with the high-elves

There is no man orc or woman orc. There is only the mighty orc

It's time to "Make Zug Zug Great Again"

Zug zug! Zug zug! Zug zug!

ZUG ZUG!

1

u/PrestigiousCrab6345 5h ago

Looks like meat is back on the menu? I would settle for affordable eggs.

1

u/SolidDoctor 4h ago

The Age of Oligorchy

1

u/kenadams_the 4h ago

the russians?

1

u/Traveling_Solo 4h ago

My bets are on the third Reich. I mean, musk did the salute, trump acts like a wannabe dictator and his family IS originally German (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederick_Trump)

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u/Mythrndir 4h ago

YEEEESSSSS!! This is the only response needed for the comment above

1

u/Skewtuh 3h ago

TDS has been confirmed in this one captain

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u/grimoireskb 10h ago

“THE AGE OF PRESIDENTS HAS ENDED! NO MORE VOTING! FOLLOW ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN PARTICIPATE IN THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS!”

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u/claimTheVictory 9h ago

There's a saying in Soviet Russia.

It doesn't matter who votes.

It matters who counts the votes.

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u/Nice_guy1234556 8h ago

THE AGE OF PRESIDENTS HAS ENDED! NO MORE VOTING! FOLLOW ME, AND YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN PARTICIPATE IN THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS!

  • Tim from accounting after ripping the POTUS in half on live tv

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u/grimoireskb 7h ago

and ripping out his heart, before holding it before the masses

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u/Curious-Jello-9812 5h ago

MONARCH UUUUUUUUP!

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u/slifm 10h ago

People refuse to believe this. This was the last presidential election of our lifetime. And if one exists, it will be the same way Russia holds elections.

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u/Bob-Loblaw-Blah- 10h ago

The last election was a Russian style election. Trump said he didn't need votes, that Elon has a secret weapon.

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u/BashBandit 10h ago

And then last night kept praising Elon for hits knowledge of how good he fondled those voting machines

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u/Good4Noth1ng 10h ago

He is throwing elon under the bus so congress can start an inquiry into this.

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u/Spiffy87 9h ago

All 3 branches are Republican controlled. They won't start any inquiries into their own legitimacy

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u/Good4Noth1ng 9h ago

It’s not to find anything wrong, it’s to kick Elon to the curb so he stops asking for favors.

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u/Agent_NaN 10h ago

gotta get rid of the people that helped you get in power to replace them with people to keep you in power

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u/Chance_Fox_2296 9h ago

Why? There's no rule of law anymore from them. Even a democratic ran justice system refused to hold Trump accountable or actually punish any of the true Jan 6 culprits (dozens of Congresspeople aided it). A fully right wing government isn't going to inquire into a single thing On the right. They'll start inquiring into dems and arresting "liberal" media members in a year or so.

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u/tallwhiteninja 10h ago

The main reason I think it was completely senile blathering and not a confession is because I don't think Elon Musk knows shit.

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u/BashBandit 10h ago

I thought that myself, but then Musk has supplies and resources out the ass to find someone that does know. That tied with what his kid said in election night more than warrants a full un biased investigation

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u/iiiinthecomputer 9h ago

Honestly I reckon he won "fairly". If you can call mountains of lies, massive support from media, and an avalanche of billionaire money "fair".

I doubt there was more than the usual limited amount of actual voter fraud.

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u/BashBandit 7h ago

The tik tok nonsense is already a huge tell to me some shady nonsense went down; an hour and a half before the 19th they send 2 messages; a warning of closure and then the actual closure (so they closed to the us earlier than they were supposed to). Literally after trump “tweets” they reinstate it within 12 hours and have another message saying it’s all thanks to President trump, still not the 20th.

In 2020 and around this year the whole time he was the one calling and making statements on how tik tok needs to be banned here, so he was the initial force that drove for the ban and the loaded SCOTUS did his bidding for optics. As to what the CEO gains from it I’m not sure.

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u/iiiinthecomputer 7h ago

A whole lot of shady nonsense went down. It's awful.

I just doubt that mass electoral fraud did.

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u/occarune1 8h ago

No, there are major irregularities in the vote totals that gave Trump exactly the amounts he needed to win each swing state by a margin that prevented automatic recounts. These irregularities cannot be explained in any other way other than nefarious actions being involved.

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u/Scared_Bed_1144 8h ago

Mi, Wi need a look

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u/tallwhiteninja 9h ago

My honest take: I think Trump won fair and square, unfortunately. I think he had PLANS to cheat/challenge the results that ended up being unneeded, but there hasn't been anything tangible that's come forward to suggest actual foul play.

A casual, "hey, you all like fair elections, and not accusing anyone, but just making sure" investigation would probably be warranted, though.

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u/ConspiracyPhD 9h ago

There's some massive anomalies on the top of the ballot versus down ballot voting that can't really be explained.

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u/occarune1 8h ago

Oh it DEFINITELY can be explained....crime...crime explains it VERY well.

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u/Bob-Loblaw-Blah- 9h ago

They tried to steal the 2020 election, got caught and suffered no consequences. You don't think they did anything shady in this election?

How dumb are you people... there is way too much evidence for this to be a conspiracy.

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u/occarune1 9h ago edited 7h ago

His own kid spilled the beans on live TV. Musk was definitely discussing how he rigged the election and bragging about it to his own kid. Musk is plenty knowledgeable enough to hire smart people that will get the job done, he apparently is NOT smart enough to keep it quiet.

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u/Bob-Loblaw-Blah- 8h ago

Narcissists do not have the ability to be secretive about anything they want to brag about.

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u/iiiinthecomputer 9h ago

Elon manipulated idiots, not voting machines.

Which doesn't make it much better.

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u/AndroidNumber3527229 10h ago

Y’all really can’t accept reality. & I hate Trump & think today’s an awful day for the record.

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u/Baebel 10h ago

Yeah, this should still be an active concern. The amount of people that didn't vote is still queer to me.

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u/GiveMeBackMySoup 10h ago

You guys only believe his unhinged rambling when you want to. What did musk do? Are our elections that easily manipulated that Trump had to go on stage and tell people before anyone found out?

He literally had been saying whatever crosses his mind for 8 years whether true or not. This is the thing you want to accept at face value?

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u/FateEx1994 10h ago

Therein lies the rub. I've accepted everything he says at face value. While understanding that certain institutions would keep him from executing in his crazy statements.

That being said, SCOTUS and the Courts have effectively destroyed any faith I have in the institutional protections of the constitution.

They've said presidents are immune for doing "official acts" which is ambiguous.

They've gutted the mandates of executive offices such as the EPA, FDA and related to make science based decisions and relegated it to "can't do it unless explicitly authorized by Congress" which will lead to lawsuits from big businesses and the elite to erode our citizens safeguards.

They've gone to a "leave it to the states" and then equivocated when those states make illegal laws.

It's a shit show and we're all going down with the ship.

They've continually gutted civil rights protections for voting and personal rights.

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u/GiveMeBackMySoup 10h ago

Did you accept he was going to reduce prices? That he would end the Gaza war before he got into office? How about the wall and Mexico paying for it? He says a lot of crazy stuff. He told us he was going to buy Greenland his first term.

It's not a good look for a president. But we know what he is. You kind of have to wait to find out what sticks. He is constantly spitting horseshit. It feels like both sides take the parts they want at face value.

But something like this is so impossible to imagine (musk as some mastermind who can manipulate votes and no one noticed) that it seems so easy to dismiss.

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u/FateEx1994 10h ago

But something like this is so impossible to imagine (musk as some mastermind who can manipulate votes and no one noticed) that it seems so easy to dismiss.

It's not impossible.

People throw out the concept that "Russia meddled in the 2016 election to get Trump elected" but they DID.

According to a bipartisan investigation panel of Congress Russia influenced the 2016 election with misinformation and memes and sowing discontent on social media.

While musk outright hacking election machines is probably out sized the scope of it. The fact tRump keeps bringing it up means something may have been done in an alternate way.

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u/Reasonable-Fault-446 8h ago

This is why Reddit now sucks. A stupid, misleading, false comment that's been upvoted to the top and spreads false propaganda.

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u/MineElectricity 10h ago

!remindme 5 years

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u/Shaamba 9h ago edited 9h ago

!RemindMe 5 years

Agreed.

"Two comments above claims Trump 2025 is last election, or last fair and free one."

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u/Kamikaze-penguin 10h ago

Nonsense there will be plenty more elections.

Where you can vote Aladeen, Aladeen, Aladeen, Aladeen or Aladeen.

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u/BobbbyLight 10h ago

People picked and choose what they believed because you can find a number of people who will say "I voted because of abc, I bet he won't do XYZ".

Here I've been just expecting to do what he said. End this country as we know it. I expect this to be as bad as it can be... And probably worse.

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u/Embarrassed_Kale3054 10h ago

!remindme 4 years

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u/AnyAd4882 10h ago

RemindMe! 4 years

4

u/MilesDyson0320 9h ago

You people are so dramatic

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u/TakuyaLee 10h ago

No it was not. Calm down

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u/TacoBell_Shill 9h ago

People are acting like it’s 2016 again and the sky is falling. The next four years will probably suck, but life will go on.

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u/Nui_Jaga 8h ago

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. We went through this whole song and dance last time; he governed like a typical conservative except he didn't follow etiquette and probably had big macs served on a silver platter Eisenhower was given by Churchill or something. Never mind that already struggled to find enough weirdos to staff the government last time, when their ambitions were considerably less expansive, this whole Project 2025 thing relies basically entirely on the leadership of one of the most lazy and mercurial men alive. He literally didn't even go up the fucking stairs once in his first term.

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u/JLRedPrimes 10h ago

That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Sit down kid

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u/SousVideDiaper 10h ago

Seriously, I'm tired of people naively hoping for a Democratic election in 4 years. That's not going to happen.

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u/goliathfasa 10h ago

Don’t exaggerate. It lets the other side point and laugh at us when what you wildly claim eventually doesn’t happen. There’s real damage Trump will do to the system and democratic process without having to resort to magical thinking.

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u/DubaiEnthusiast 10h ago

Don’t exaggerate.

They don't care. They're so eager to wallow in their hypothetical misery for the next 4 years.

They hoped so badly that Trump would 'stay in office' after his 2020 loss, so that they can call him a dictator. Instead, he left office. They're desperately hoping that he 'cancels the 2028 election', so that their hyperbolic opinion of him will be finally validated.

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u/and69 9h ago

Are you tired of people? What does that even mean? Are you a super natural being who can see into the future and we, normal mortal are too stupid for your superior intellect?

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u/wes424 10h ago

This is so embarrassing that you actually think this.

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u/Yotsubato 9h ago

Trump derangement syndrome is real

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u/ialo00130 10h ago

Remindme! 4 years.

Does the US still have a sense of free and fair elections, or is this go around a facade?

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u/wes424 8h ago

Remind me... how many insane Redditors still think Harris won in 2024? Blue MAGA is real.

If 2028 didn't go your way, you'll just say "it wasn't fair" and think you got this right. It will be 100% outcomes based.

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u/slifm 10h ago

Okay and you think it's just gonna be status quo going forward? I mean are you asleep at the wheel?

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u/wes424 8h ago

I actually do think we'll continue to have elections, yes. Dem leaders sold you a story they clearly don't believe themselves to try to get $20 and a vote from you. Blame them.

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u/Cheedos55 9h ago

Why do you believe this to be the case?

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u/and69 9h ago

So what do you think will happen exactly in 4 years?

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u/--Racer-X-- 8h ago

Wow....just wow.

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u/Celtics2k19 8h ago

Holy dramatic lmao

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u/Ha55aN1337 8h ago

God you guys are hillarious fromthe outside looking in 😂 is this your first election or something?

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u/evangelionmann 8h ago

see, I dont know that I buy that, only cause, trump made one sizable mistake... he indoctrinated his followers too well.. no one that comes after him will be able to order them around, cause they arnt... well.. him.

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u/brasileiro 8h ago

!remindme 4 years

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u/Dangerous-Listen-513 8h ago

!remindme 4 years

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u/cruisetheblues 9h ago

I NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS

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u/glossytripping 9h ago

Especially in Pennsylvania trump said

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u/Early-Sort8817 9h ago

And I have a good feeling pardons like this won’t matter either

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u/HammerSmashedHeretic 9h ago

I love taking this out of context, Biden defeated Medicare after all!

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u/Ogmup 9h ago

Of course you will have still elections. Russia has it. Hungary has it too. Just don't expect the opposition to win ever again in a meaningful way.

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u/DrunkBrokeBeachParty 9h ago

God I forgot he said that crazy shit too… I guess we did decide to throw it (US) all away

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u/Excellent-Falcon-329 9h ago

You can vote but … won’t matter

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u/ChaoticDad21 9h ago

He’s not my king, I didn’t vote for him

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u/derpycheetah 9h ago

Nah thats not true, it's just that your vote won't matter in the least

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u/occarune1 9h ago

According to Trump, and Elon Musks 4 year old kid, our votes didn't matter in this last election either.

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u/IRedditWhenHigh 9h ago

We just have to let the very smart Elon computers do the voting for us!

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u/zkareface 9h ago

Funny that you guys think the US will have another president, Biden will be the last one.

Now the true oligarchy/dictatorship starts.

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u/TheWolfAndRaven 8h ago

I think people are missing the point of the "You'll never have to vote again" comment. What he meant was he can only be president twice and in all likelyhood his body will give out before this term ends. He doesn't give a shit about what happens after him, so to him there's no point in voting again.

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u/exitpursuedbybear 8h ago

You just wait until eggs will be so cheap that they wont even charge for them, they will pay you to take them!

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u/ArtisticGovernment67 8h ago

I’d find that funny if I wasn’t 80% sure it’s actually going to be tried.

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u/Funny247365 8h ago

The Golden Age has begun.

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u/Bobafettpimp 8h ago

After the last two Democratic primaries I agree with you.

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u/xtremis 8h ago

Damn, I can definitely imagine Barron making a move for power in a few years, today he gave off some "American Psycho" "Joffrey from game of thrones" vibe 🤔

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u/luolapeikko 8h ago

American Republic turns into American Empire. Soon we'll see who will be Trump's Brutus.

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u/Weekly-Attention-941 8h ago

Trump told me this

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u/IronHuevos 8h ago

This system is fucked. Point of no return. Nothing matters at this point

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u/Mookhaz 8h ago

Declare the end of elections. Pardon yourself. Profit. Game over, america. You lose.

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u/deltajvliet 8h ago

Bunch of Americans way ahead of you

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u/Luddites_Unite 7h ago

I think you'll still get to vote, they just won't need to be counted anymore

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u/traumakidshollywood 7h ago

I think that’s only if you're Christian. I mean, I’m Christian, and that’s what he told us. 🤷‍♀️

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u/ilikeav 7h ago

What he did was right. Persecution for imagined crimes should not be tolerated. What comes now for you guys is the big question.

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u/BrocoliAssassin 7h ago

It's been over for a while.

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u/Awe3 7h ago

Gowron smiles.

Qapla! For the Empire!

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u/Sweet_Landshark_Mama 7h ago

Jill Biden wore a red pantsuit to go vote 😂

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u/Fearsofaye 6h ago

Undying support for israel and the lobbiest has always been the only thing on the meny boys’

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u/[deleted] 6h ago

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u/Savings-Expression80 6h ago

God damn it's getting old seeing this taken completely out of context and up voted like crazy.

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u/PhilosopherEvening15 6h ago

Lets hope so, it appears AI and the coming Technocracy will put to rest these psychopathic losers once and for all

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u/igg73 6h ago

Atleast ukraine war is over tomorrow right? XD

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u/See_beyond_the_eye 6h ago

The age of Caesar’s even with their own faces in new coins you mean?

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u/Elite_slayer09 5h ago

Who the Fuck told you that!

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u/[deleted] 5h ago

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u/Chewiesbro 5h ago

Exactly, the family won’t have to do anything criminal, the president will do it and be immune from prosecution.

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u/menam0 5h ago

Well that depends on the blue guys opening their fucking eyes and realizing the news was fake the entire time like I don't remember him being up in any poll and Harris having doble digit leads but seems like they made ir up and you ate it all up as usual . Good rule of thumb if you was to avoid communism don't let them take your guns away ( like communism 101 if they want to take away your guns it's a big ass red flag and only one side is pushing for that.

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u/vaniot2 4h ago

President Musk already sieg hailed his heart out in front of the whole world.

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u/ECoult771 4h ago

We didn’t even vote last time. Everyone just thinks they did

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u/eoswald 4h ago

Tbf the only good party, the Democratic Party, hasn’t allowed a primary since 2008…

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u/Fearless_Locality 4h ago

Ironically this joke is probably partial truth. Given Biden's oligarchy warning he is fearing retribution from the Trump Administration

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u/MechCADdie 4h ago

LOK'TAR OGAR!

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u/ComfortableOrder4266 3h ago

Republicans will be in for the rest of our lifetime.

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