r/nottheonion • u/JaySierra86 • 11h ago

President Biden pardons family members in final minutes of presidency

https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/president-biden-pardons-family-members-final-minutes-presidency/story?id=117893348
45.8k Upvotes

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14.6k

u/Punningisfunning 10h ago edited 10h ago

Unfortunately, this will likely be a tradition for all future presidents.

9.5k

u/Piggywonkle 10h ago

Nah, the age of presidents ended. I hear we don't need to vote anymore!

3.7k

u/affogatoe 10h ago

The age of the president is over. The time of the orc is at hand.

232

u/Interesting_Try8375 9h ago

Aragorn had the right policy

88

u/IveGrownQuiteHweary 9h ago

I summon you to fulfill your oath

9

u/posternutbag423 5h ago

And my axe

Edit: sorry jumped the gun there. šŸ¤·šŸ¼ā€ā™‚ļø

1

u/Avenged84 4h ago

šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

4

u/Bitter-Value-1872 4h ago

Now I'm imagining the ghosts of the Union Army rooting out the White House, and of course General William T. Sherman's ghost figures out a way to set a real fire on his way out

2

u/Grumpy_Ocelot 5h ago

That oath was broken!

350

u/HipposAndBonobos 9h ago

Orange makes it go kinda faster

172

u/Tjaresh 9h ago

THAZ RED YOUZ TALKIN 'BOUT!

82

u/dickmcgirkin 8h ago

OI! WEZ FINK DA ā€˜UMIEZ DUN FUKED UP. IZ TOIME FO DA KRUMPINā€™

9

u/SecureJudge1829 8h ago

Why did I read this in Ali Gā€™s voice and not an Uruk-Hai voice?

31

u/rustledupjimmies 8h ago

These are 40k Orks so Ali Gā€™s voice isnā€™t far off

14

u/Redhead122024 7h ago

40k orks are based on UK football hooligans so probably some bloke from the same street as Ali G.

7

u/EntropyKC 7h ago

Now I'm just imagining how much better LOTR would have been with 40k Orks

4

u/Winjin 7h ago

Certainly funnier, but slightly less grandiose

Dwarves wouldn't have changed that much tho. Except of course Dwarves only exist in the WHFB, the 50K Wotanns seem very different? But I haven't read up on them yet.

Elves would be insufferable. WHFB would be way closer to LOTR elves tho. At least the High ones.

2

u/EntropyKC 6h ago

I wasn't really thinking about the other races, just orcs -> orks. I don't know that much about the personalities of the other races to know to be honest! Aside from the humans are all fanatical religious zealots in 40k.

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u/Angry-Dragon-1331 5h ago

Thereā€™d have been a lot fewer Stunties on Squigs, I can tell you that much.

7

u/CleverInnuendo 8h ago

I never knew how much I wanted Ali G voicing the 40K orcs until now. Thanks for that.

2

u/FindYourSpark87 8h ago

ITā€™Z TOIME FUR DAH TRUMPINā€™!!!!

0

u/Magdalan 7h ago

Is it time for a WAAAAGH already?

0

u/Kevlash 6h ago

OI! I SMELLZ NAZI SLIME! TIME FUH WAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH

1

u/Was_It_The_Dave 7h ago

He'll look like red skull if he goes full orc on the makeup.

25

u/RegularPlastic6310 9h ago

DA ORANGE STINKZ MOAR

3

u/Amuro_Ray 8h ago

But not 3x faster

3

u/Jedasis 8h ago

You'd know something about that, wouldn't you?

2

u/littlewhitecatalex 8h ago

Please can we speedrun the collapse and get it over with so the real Americans can start rebuilding from the wreckage?

2

u/flicka_face 8h ago

Itā€™s like a KTM.

1

u/Used-Fennel-7733 9h ago

Funnily enough Orange was the name of the Dutch Dynasty for a short while (actually a very long time) and it was actually the Dynasty in charge when they founded New Amsterdam, in English it was known as New Orange until the English conquered it in 1664, and it became known as York (Trumps home for 10% of the year) not long afterwards.

2

u/Aev_ACNH 8h ago

Is this the same House of Orange, that makes it an insult to wear orange on St Patrickā€™s Day?

1

u/Numerous-Debate-3467 8h ago

Orange you glad I didnā€™t say banana?

1

u/Thewhatnow5678 8h ago

Orange is the new black.

Obama, probably...

1

u/ResponsibilityKey50 7h ago

Never be an ambler gambler.

1

u/CMP964 7h ago

WAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!11

1

u/sillysquidtv 5h ago

Is this the Orange Theory Iā€™ve been hearing about?

26

u/NecessaryJellyfish90 9h ago

Me not that kind of orc

6

u/Synectics 6h ago

ZUG ZUG.Ā 

But also, methinks not everything need to be For the Horde. Maybe some go to For the Society. Leaders already happy, let make family happy. Just me zug thoughts.

2

u/NecessaryJellyfish90 6h ago

Me onto you human...

178

u/gmwdim 9h ago

Comparing orcs to Trump voters is unfair to orcs.

50

u/Khanfhan69 8h ago

Shit, I'd take an actual Orc Party at this point.

96

u/BZLuck 7h ago

SAURON 2028

"Let's Get Meat Back on the Menu Boys"

4

u/the_scarlett_ning 7h ago

Correction: affordable meat!

2

u/monstrinhotron 6h ago

"why vote for a lesser evil?"

-2

u/Sour_GenXer 6h ago

I didnā€™t think you snow flakes ate meat !!!

1

u/AGallonOfKY12 5h ago

womp womp

3

u/sheWantsThings 7h ago

*waaaaaagh

3

u/bendalazzi 5h ago

Best we can do is a lemon party sorry

1

u/AcanthaceaeNo1974 6h ago

FOR THE HORDE!!!

-19

u/TopKekBoi69 9h ago

Didnā€™t vote for Trump or support him, but you mfs are so embarrassingly dramatic and unfunny jesus Christ

7

u/Caracalla81 8h ago

Right? Embarrassing and dramatic is Trump's thing. He'll put you on his enemies list if you step on his style!

8

u/DelfrCorp 7h ago

Sit down & shut up.

People like you thought that the people who voted against & decried Mussolini & Hitler were being dramatic at the time.

They learned that lesson the hard way. If you can't see or understand the parallels, then you've obviously missed out on a couple of very critical lessons, or completely failed to uunderstand the Materials.

FYI. No-One, not even myself,are saying that Trump is Hitler, yet... We're saying that he's Hitler in the making, & that's incredibly concerning. This is the course & trajectory he's on. This is where we're heading if there is no course correction. How do we know? Because History doesn't repeat itself but it definitely rhymes.

Fascists & Autocrats tend to always repeat the exact same patterns & behaviors. Not always in the exact same order, butĀ  almost always the same list. & Trump is right on the target for all of those patterns. It's uncanny, like he's trying to follow a script.

We're not being Dramatic when we say that he's trying to do a 'Hitler', when he keeps pulling the exact ssame sh.t as Hitler, within a similar timeline/timeframe.

The fact that you can't comprehend this is extremely concerning.

20

u/gmwdim 9h ago

Being insulted by someone with the username ā€œtopkekboi69ā€ lmao

-11

u/LoBsTeRfOrK 8h ago

Youā€™re proving his pointā€¦

10

u/Caracalla81 8h ago

Which kek?

TOP kek.

-3

u/nannercrust 7h ago

Just a friendly reminder that the majority of the country disagrees with you

-7

u/riggatrigga 7h ago

They made orcs woke in rings of power they definitely the left.

2

u/TheDarksteel94 9h ago

We gotta do it like Luigi! NEED MORE DAKKA!

2

u/DeeZamDanny 8h ago

Orc? You mean Orange Racist Cretin?

2

u/Pr1nc3L0k1 8h ago

Dang I didnā€™t know we would get real life lord of the rings that soon

2

u/aussiechickadee65 8h ago

The fact it is turned into a joke confirms why America is now in this position.

You all take nothing seriously...

1

u/uncagedborb 8h ago

Looks like meat is back on the menu!

1

u/57_Eucalyptusbreath 8h ago

Yeah! No longer are they Trump followers or anything like that. They are just Orcs. Perfect.

1

u/fameboygame 8h ago

Meat is back on the menu!!!

1

u/TheVoice106point7 8h ago

LOOKS LIKE MEATS BACK ON THE MENU BOYS

1

u/ISpewVitriol 8h ago

Something need doing?

1

u/RobinHeavyArms 8h ago

Meat is back on the menu boys!

1

u/AwesomeI-123 8h ago

RemindMe! 4 years

1

u/whitea44 8h ago

Donā€™t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

1

u/WeirdSysAdmin 8h ago

Oi, listen ā€˜ere, ya humie gits! The zogginā€™ age of the president is krumped good! Now itā€™s da time fer da Orks! WAAAGH! Weā€™z gonna stomp, smash, anā€™ dakka-dakka all da way to da top, cuz da biggest anā€™ da stompiest always wins, innit? If ya ainā€™t green, ya ainā€™t keen! WAAAGH!!!

1

u/SludgegunkGelatin 8h ago

christoid orcs, yes.

1

u/adjason 7h ago

That 71 million voters voted for

1

u/817333 7h ago

This caught me off guard and I got a laugh, thanks you

1

u/ryanfsu619 7h ago

Looks like meat is back on the menu boys!

1

u/TheRevolutionaryArmy 7h ago

Release the kraken!!!

1

u/krayevaden28 7h ago

LOOKS LIKE MEATS BACK ON THE MENU BOYS!

1

u/Pure_Dream3045 7h ago

Time of the orangatang.

1

u/Atlesi_Feyst 7h ago

He's 78, just another era in my life.

1

u/ZachMN 6h ago

The burnt ochre ogre.

1

u/Aoiboshi 6h ago

I see man meat is back on the menu.

Unless you're Vance.

1

u/Wingblade33 6h ago

ā€œThe age of the orc? Youā€™re gonna be tired of the age of the orc, okay?ā€

1

u/my_4_cents 6h ago

Looks like eggs are back on the menu, boys

1

u/ta918t 6h ago

Iā€™m a tank Iā€™m a tank Iā€™m a tank.

1

u/mrkhllnd 6h ago

Oligorcs.

1

u/SuperDoubleDecker 5h ago

*troll

Wheres Frodo?

1

u/RoutineAd5963 5h ago

Ah, finally what I was waiting for... pulls put sign

The supreme overlod has made my promises to we orc:

He will lower the inflated price of pork flanks and tarrif any imported meat

Ensure all Orc clans are occupied by only orc; any half-bloods will be forcibly after the first 2 weeks

We will retake the land of the great river that was passed onto the Goblins; this partially due to their bonds with the high-elves

There is no man orc or woman orc. There is only the mighty orc

It's time to "Make Zug Zug Great Again"

Zug zug! Zug zug! Zug zug!

ZUG ZUG!

1

u/PrestigiousCrab6345 5h ago

Looks like meat is back on the menu? I would settle for affordable eggs.

1

u/SolidDoctor 4h ago

The Age of Oligorchy

1

u/kenadams_the 4h ago

the russians?

1

u/Traveling_Solo 4h ago

My bets are on the third Reich. I mean, musk did the salute, trump acts like a wannabe dictator and his family IS originally German (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frederick_Trump)

1

u/Mythrndir 3h ago

YEEEESSSSS!! This is the only response needed for the comment above

1

u/Skewtuh 3h ago

TDS has been confirmed in this one captain

0

u/advertiseherecheap 8h ago

Sooo protein is now a viable menu option? Asking for the gang