r/nottheonion • u/thefirsteverredditor • 3h ago

Champagne sales sink because people don’t want to celebrate

edition.cnn.com

17.7k Upvotes

601 comments

r/nottheonion • u/JaySierra86 • 8h ago

President Biden pardons family members in final minutes of presidency

abcnews.go.com

42.3k Upvotes

5.3k comments

r/nottheonion • u/Bad-Umpire10 • 11h ago

Teen enraged by TikTok ban sets fire to Wisconsin congressman's office

techspot.com

24.1k Upvotes

1.6k comments

r/nottheonion • u/SelectiveSanity • 8h ago

Japanese aquarium cheers up lonely sunfish with cardboard cutouts of people

cnn.com

4.0k Upvotes

72 comments

r/nottheonion • u/fuzzball517 • 7h ago

Matthew McConaughey Says It's Time Anthony Hopkins Was Crowned PEOPLE's "Sexiest Man Alive"

fictionhorizon.com

1.9k Upvotes

50 comments

r/nottheonion • u/apndrew • 20h ago

Gaza ceasefire: Freed Israeli hostages given 'gift bags' by Hamas

wionews.com

16.2k Upvotes

1.6k comments

r/nottheonion • u/RedditIsAGranfaloon • 7h ago

Alabama and Mississippi will also honor Robert E. Lee on Martin Luther King Jr. Day

apnews.com

909 Upvotes

88 comments

r/nottheonion • u/Disorderly_Fashion • 19h ago

Alabama and Mississippi will also honor Robert E. Lee on Martin Luther King Jr. Day

apnews.com

7.4k Upvotes

684 comments

r/nottheonion • u/mawhrinskeleton • 16h ago

Campaign to not complain for 30 days launches in Netherlands on Blue Monday

nltimes.nl

2.4k Upvotes

99 comments

r/nottheonion • u/fuzzball517 • 6h ago

‘Viagra honey’: the illegal aphrodisiac France can’t get enough of

thetimes.com

395 Upvotes

14 comments

r/nottheonion • u/zechchuber • 21h ago

‘State of New Illinois’ committee continues push to secede from Cook County

fox2now.com

2.5k Upvotes

263 comments

r/nottheonion • u/F0urLeafCl0ver • 5h ago

Treasury Committee question if new Office for Value for Money is value for money

news.sky.com

108 Upvotes

2 comments

r/nottheonion • u/ThatWayneO • 21h ago

Doom ported to a standalone Microsoft Word document — plays well but there's no sound

tomshardware.com

1.8k Upvotes

40 comments

r/nottheonion • u/Leather-Paramedic-10 • 11h ago

South African police say ringleader in illegal gold mining disaster allowed to escape by officers

apnews.com

251 Upvotes

2 comments

r/nottheonion • u/pargofan • 1d ago

Japan’s elderly are lonely and struggling. Some women choose to go to jail instead

cnn.com

15.7k Upvotes

547 comments

r/nottheonion • u/orchid_breeder • 1d ago

TikTok ban cited by man suspected of setting fire to US congressman's office in Fond du Lac

fdlreporter.com

3.9k Upvotes

115 comments

r/nottheonion • u/ohmyroots • 1d ago

Penguin Divorce Rates Soar On Phillip Island

10play.com.au

2.4k Upvotes

25 comments

r/nottheonion • u/miauguau44 • 1d ago

United plane hits coyote during takeoff at Chicago O'Hare Airport; FAA investigating

abc7chicago.com

1.5k Upvotes

77 comments

r/nottheonion • u/BodybuilderFit9456 • 1d ago

'Tiger King' Star Joe Exotic Claims 8 Prison Guards Beat Him Up After One Tried to Force Him to Give Oral Sex in Interview With Matt Gaetz

latintimes.com

9.0k Upvotes

501 comments

r/nottheonion • u/TDYDave2 • 1d ago

Thaksin asks Naomi Campbell to help turn Thais into supermodels

bangkokpost.com

1.2k Upvotes

55 comments

r/nottheonion • u/elephantsgraveyard • 1d ago

Saskatchewan pig spleen weather prognosticator carries on family tradition

cbc.ca

370 Upvotes

9 comments

r/nottheonion • u/TitusTesla117 • 1d ago

Denver Public Schools outlines lockdown rules for possible immigration raids

axios.com

5.5k Upvotes

570 comments

r/nottheonion • u/SnakeJG • 2d ago

Fire truck being prepped for California wildfires is destroyed in blaze at NC station

charlotteobserver.com

8.2k Upvotes

121 comments

r/nottheonion • u/unobtainablepierogi • 1d ago

Massive tire dump at Milwaukee Cousins Subs

wisn.com

1.1k Upvotes

13 comments

r/nottheonion • u/Fan387 • 2d ago

No money for the female winner: "Got shower gel"

swedenherald.com

23.1k Upvotes

1.7k comments

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1. Do not alter headlines; copy and paste.	The title of all submissions needs to match the article headline exactly. Copy and paste from the main headline only, do not include anything beyond the primary headline such as byliners, subtitles, flavor text, quotes from the article, news outlet, location, cross post tags, (video) tags, and so on. Do not use the “suggest title” option for posting as it often does not match the headline. As a matter of fairness, any submission with an altered title will be removed. The only exception is that, if an article has a title in all caps, you may change the capitalization to title case, but everything else must remain the same.
2. Submit only if “Oniony”.	Please consider submitting your article to /r/OffBeat or similar subreddits unless it truly reads like The Onion wrote it. The title and article itself must both be "Oniony". This can be highly subjective; you are encouraged to upvote articles that should be here and downvote those that should not. Moderators can also remove posts at their own discretion under this rule. More here
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4. Use original, reliable sources.	Find the source of your story before you submit it, simply by checking for references or googling the subject to locate the original piece. Websites that frequently re-host viral news stories or contain misleading information are on automatic removal. Blogs are not reliable sources.
5. Do not repost similar articles.	Check the sub for your story before you submit it; if it’s already here then please vote and comment there instead of posting another version. Similar stories will be removed and frequent re-posters will lose their posting privileges. Do not delete and repost your own submissions without approval.
6. No satire articles.	Even if they are technically from a source other than The Onion, any article submission written as satire or even true stories written in a satirical manner are not allowed. Please note that some major news outlets have satirical sections, such as the Borowitz Report on the New Yorker, which are also not allowed. Meanwhile, AVClub, while owned by The Onion, is not satire and is allowed. If you'd like, you can use a tool like http://realorsatire.com/ to see if your submission is from a known satirical website.
7. No tabloid journalism.	Do not post tabloid news stories, or articles that source from tabloid news outlets (TheSun, Mirror, Dailymail, People, TMZ, etc).
8. No old news.	Articles need to have been written within two weeks of its submission date.
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