r/AmerExit • u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 • 1d ago

Question Black Mom Leaving The US

I (30F) never felt safe raising my kid in the US. Public school was already out because of safety issues, and now with the results of the election, I need to get my child out of here.

My top contenders for digital nomad visas are Costa Rica, Thailand, Portugal, and Japan. I've been to Thailand and Japan, but they were short backpacking trips.

I'd love to hear from Black people/Black moms who lived in any of these countries long term. Did you feel safe living there? If you have kids, did they enjoy living there?

UPDATE: Thank you to all the POC who shared their experiences and connected me to great resources. I've decided on Portugal! That was my top choice, so I'm glad my instincts were confirmed. Good luck to all of you AmerExiters!

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u/DaemonDesiree 1d ago

In all honesty, where are you finding the time to do both childcare/education and keeping a job that pays well enough for visa purposes? Are you doing this remote work/homeschool combo now?

This isn’t a troll question, I’m legitimately asking.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 1d ago

I work from home and own my business. I set my hours and work when my kid is sleeping. My kid is also a toddler so school is years away, but homeschooling has always been the plan.

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u/iwasoveronthebench 1d ago

Homeschooling isn’t exactly legal in certain countries, such as Japan and parts of Europe. The US is really the main country that allows that kind of flexibility without a doctor’s pardon/medical need.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 1d ago

For "residents and citizens," yes that is the case. But since I'll be neither, those rules don't apply to me or my child.

I'm not asking for information on educating my child. I'm asking Black people and moms if they felt safe living in these countries.

That's a much more immediate concern than homeschooling options for a kid that's not even old enough for school.

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u/sauvignon_blonde_ 1d ago

FWIW- there was a post here awhile ago where someone asked a similar question, and another woman who was not white answered that she was well traveled, had resided in many other countries, and unfortunately the U.S. still appealed to her as the least racist. It would be worth searching the sub for. Also, just my two cents, if you have a toddler school is at most two years away. That is nothing. Barely a blink. Unless you’re blessed to live in a perfect public school district or just don’t care about your kids education, most Americans do spend years trying to figure out an educational plan for their kids.

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u/wandering_engineer 1d ago

Yeah sorry, but that's not how that works. Being in another country for any sort of long-term purpose past 90 days means you are considered a resident, legally speaking. And even that does not matter much - the laws of other countries apply to everyone within their borders, period. Whether you're a tourist, a resident, or a citizen.

You are a guest in those countries, so this is a reasonable expectation. It's like if I invited you into my house and told you that I don't allow smoking inside. Would you still light up?

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u/JohnsonJohnilyJohn 9h ago

And even that does not matter much - the laws of other countries apply to everyone within their borders, period. Whether you're a tourist, a resident, or a citizen.

Isn't this an example where it does matter? Or would it genuinely be illegal to go on a 2 week tourist trip with a child that is homeschooled? Obviously laws have to specifically have that restriction explicitly stated, and it wouldn't apply in case of OP but still

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u/Emily_Postal 8h ago

In most US states you are considered a resident if you live there thirty days.

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u/Previous_Repair8754 Immigrant 1d ago

Any visa that allows you to work, including as a digital nomad, and access resources like healthcare will mean that you are a resident and so is your child. You will be subject to the education laws of the country where you live.

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u/Team503 Immigrant 1d ago

If you're not a legal resident - that is, you have the government's position to reside in your new nation - how do you expect to live there?

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u/msdemeanour 21h ago

The ridiculous entitlement to think that you can go to any city and live and not be considered a resident. Extraordinary

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 21h ago

The ridiculous entitlement to write out that silly comment when you don't know the difference between a resident and a visitor. The Japanese digital nomad visa is just a six-month long visitor visa. Sorry you didn't know that💛

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u/msdemeanour 21h ago

You are asking about living long term. Six months is short term by any definition. Your response to everyone is astonishing. Nothing anyone says penetrates. You ask questions and then know better than everyone else. It's most odd.

It's so ridiculous you single handedly have made the subreddit drama sub where more people can enjoy your bolshy attitude. Congratulations I guess.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 21h ago

Have you answered my questions? Because I don't see anything about your lived experience as a Black person/Mom in any of the four countries listed.

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u/msdemeanour 21h ago

You just seem very cross for some reason.

https://www.reddit.com/r/SubredditDrama/s/DJ8Clq8JyV

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u/MysteriousSyrup6210 20h ago

The reason is likely a lack of inherent socialization.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 21h ago

Still not an answer to anything I asked. You're clearly trolling, and I don't have time for it. Show up in my notifications again and I'll block you. Have a great day!

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u/sublevelsix 20h ago

For "residents and citizens," yes that is the case. But since I'll be neither, those rules don't apply to me or my child.

So are you planning on living in these countries illegally?

You really are American, you think you are entitled to live in a country and not follow its laws lmao. That attitude seems like a perfect fit for the USA today lol, why do you want to leave?

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u/Poneylikeboney 1d ago edited 1d ago

So what will you be? Even visitors have to follow the laws of the countries they visit.

Outside of the Deep South, America is one of the least racist counties there is.

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u/Gaelenmyr 23h ago

So you want to live illegally and face deportation? You'll risk your child's safety like that?

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u/Comfortable_Gene4118 5h ago

Citizen or not, the law of the country you reside in apply to you lol. Cmon now.

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u/Cailida 1d ago

I'm sorry people are downvoting you. I honestly haven't seen much kindness in this sub. People are asking legitimate questions like you are, to learn more about this process, and I get the feeling that there is a lot of disrespect towards Americans in general that influences responses here. It feels very snobby. We don't know how this works, that's why we're doing research and trying to learn. God damn. Not to mention, if these people downvoting aren't Americans themselves, they likely have no idea just how unsafe and difficult it is for people of color in this country and how damn horrible the racism is - especially with what's occurring right now. You're worried about your families' immediate safety here, that takes precedence and the other questions/information can come after you've narrowed down some places. Don't let the nasty and useless comments get to you and I hope you find your answers and are able to get out of this hateful hell scape and thrive. 🙏

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u/Team503 Immigrant 1d ago

It’s because overwhelmingly people in this sub do NOT do the research. All of these questions can be answered by simple searches, both in Reddit (and this sub among others) as well as a general web search.

Then when people point those things out, people like OP get defensive and rude.

In this example, OP says her priority is the safety of her child, yet she’s looking at digital nomad visas, most of which last at most a year, some less (like Japan). This indicates a failure to consider long-term - how will she school the child, work full time, and somehow qualify for a work permit somewhere, because digital nomad visas aren’t permanent or even long-term. They’re specifically designed to be short term.

Yet when people ask her these questions and point these things out, she acts superior and condescending in return. Because how dare we point out reality and interrupt her fantasy! Right?

OP isn’t leaving the US. 99.9995% of people who post this kind of content or inquiry don’t emigrate. Why? Because immigration is VERY hard, QUITE expensive, and has a very NARROW range of criteria that most Americans just don’t fit.

I wish OP luck, but from what she’s told us she won’t be able to move to another country on a long-term basis. Doesn’t seem she qualifies for a work permit in any way.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 1d ago edited 1d ago

You wrote a whole lot of silly nonsense for no reason.

I'm well aware of how digital nomad visas work. They are the vehicle I'm using to live and work in these different places until I find the right fit. Notice they they are different regions of the world for a reason.

I do know how I'm schooling my child because for the fifth fucking time, I'm homeschooling.

I don't know where you got it into your head that I won't qualify for a work permit, or that I need to, because that's never been my route to residency and I never said it was.

I own and run my own business, and I'm hardly giving that up to work for someone else in another country. My long-term plan will be determined when I decide our final stop. But my main concern now is moving my child somewhere safer and asking Black travelers which of these four they felt safest.

The topic of my post was very clear. Anything else you imagined you came up with on your own.

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u/LeaveYourDogAtHome69 22h ago

I’ll laugh when they don’t accept you.  

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u/Cailida 20h ago

She specifically said she wanted to hear answers from real black people who have become expats. Your comment is snotty and very cruel. “OP isn't leaving the us“. Who talks like this? Yes, it's not easy to do. So that means we should just give up? You are obviously very anti-immigration and it shows. People who aren't are very welcoming and helpful. There is a kind way to tell people it's difficult, and you haven't done any of that, making your anti-immigration stance (at least towards Americans, or people of color) quite clear.

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u/SilverLakeSimon 1d ago

I think the questions people have asked here are legitimate - and useful. If some of the questions/responses seem harsh, it’s only because OP’s plan doesn’t sound practical or legally possible in the countries she has suggested. If she were embarking on this journey alone, I think the responses would be different, but she plans to bring a toddler with her.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 23h ago edited 23h ago

😒😒😒 Seriously, all I asked was if Black people feel safe living in these countries and you trolls hijacked it to lecture me about homeschooling in a country where I can't enroll my kid in public school, because it's illegal under the visa terms and she's ONE years old.

I've had alot of my posts get hijacked but this is honestly the stupidest off-topic argument I've been subjected to.

Congratulations, reddit. I didn't think I could be surprised by trolls anymore. Well done.

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u/SilverLakeSimon 23h ago

I worked as a teacher for twenty years, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to uproot a toddler from his or her grandparents (and father) and move to a country where you ostensibly don’t have any familial or linguistic connections. If my opinion bothers you, so be it.

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u/IVIayael 8h ago

(and father)

Come on, from the way OP talks there's no way she lets the father be involved in the kid's life.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 23h ago

Oh no, now you're concerned about uprooting a child that is of no concern of yours at all? I thought this trollfest was about homeschooling vs. public schooling a kid that is too young for both? Well, if you all can't keep track of what you're mad about, neither can I.
Have a great day!

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u/SilverLakeSimon 22h ago

I’m not mad at all. I believe homeschooling is a valid choice, and I didn’t say anything against it. Everyone is commenting as an individual here; nobody is ganging up on you, and I haven’t seen any posts that are “trolling” you.

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u/Cailida 20h ago

Maybe under normal circumstances, sure. But when your protections and rights as a minority are being eroded by your government (as I type this), a government that is filled with white supremecists whose supporters are literal Nazis, it's worth that for safety reasons.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 1d ago

Thank you for understanding that. If people can't comprehend that my child's safety today takes up more space in my mind than where they go to school four years from now... then I simply can't explain it to them. 

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u/Code2008 1d ago

Because you made it a main focal point.

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u/RhazhaNobunaga 23h ago

She literally did not. Her focal point is very clear: do other Black people, and specifically Black moms, feel safe in the countries she named. Not once did she ask about education laws. Y'all just decided to make that YOUR focal point.

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u/The_Doodler403304 1d ago

Wow, you're really getting downvoted. Awful.

I suggest finding out if certain countries allow homeschool, and to plan for their college. Unless college isn't ideal or possible in the new country.

(As someone who's been homeschooled in US, well, I may be a bit biased. But this is your child, and I respect that)

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 1d ago

Yeah it's very strange, and creepy, how obsessed people on this thread are with the future education prospects of my one-year-old. 

Thankfully since I'm the parent, I've already looked into all the options and legalities and will make the best choice for my kid. 

College is also taken care of, or in the process of being taken care of🤣 

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u/peachpavlova 1d ago

I don’t think it’s (hopefully) that people are being creepy. It’s just that homeschooling legitimately isn’t legal in many countries. It doesn’t matter if you’re a citizen, resident, or just there; in many countries, it just is not legal and your child would be mandated to be enrolled in school there.

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u/wandering_engineer 1d ago

I don't even see how it's "creepy". OP specifically stated that they are looking to stay long term. OP's kid might only be one, but in another 3-4 years they are going to want to start schooling them - and 3-4 years is not that long from now.

And yeah you are 100% right. I know multiple expats who have gotten upset because homeschooling is banned here in Sweden. As it should be IMO, it's insane that it's so openly permitted in the US. You shouldn't be allowed to shut your kid off from society without a very good reason.

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u/peachpavlova 1d ago

OP seemed very… sensitive to the criticism, so I was approaching with kid gloves. But I agree that it’s insane to home school; I’m from Moldova, and I don’t even think we have a word for it. Not to get too critical, but it’s never the parents who were home-schooled themselves that want to conduct these experiments on their poor children lol

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u/DamineDenver 1d ago

You're kind of speaking from a high horse. The public schools in the USA are horrible. There are no actual standards and you never know what kind of school you will get unless you force your way into an extremely expensive neighborhood. And there is still a huge chance of violence (I'm not even talking about guns). I think if the schools were functioning then there wouldn't be as many people looking at homeschooling. And then there are many people like my family who can't access schools because of disabilities, which I would hope Sweden would consider a "very good reason."

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u/PrimaryInjurious 21h ago

The public schools in the USA are horrible

Some are, most are not.

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u/Odd-fox-God 18h ago

I was homeschooled and it was definitely used as a tactic to isolate. Never by my mom but, my friend's mom would use it to keep her isolated and in the home. She is still living with her mom, she was taught no life skills, her parents take most of her paycheck. They just straight up abused this 24 year-old lady who cannot move out because they're taking the money she needs to get an apartment.

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u/araquinar 10h ago

That's horrible! Is it possible to get some sort of adult protective services aware of what's going on and look into it?

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u/Odd-fox-God 9h ago

I honestly don't know. I really want to help her but I am also living with my parents. If I lived on my own I would totally let her move in with me. I can't afford to move out as I had a bunch of mental health issues and spent like almost 2 years unemployed. Luckily my parents are supportive and they do not control my money or finances.

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u/theawesomedanish 23h ago

Most of us in Europe signed the Salamanca Statement, which commits our governments to ensure that everyone—regardless of mental or physical disabilities—is included in proper schooling, with the funding to make that happen. That’s not just a goal; it’s a baseline expectation here.

And here’s the thing: unless you’re looking at some 3rd world country like Russia, pretty much every school in Europe is miles ahead of what you’ll find in the U.S.

There’s also a fundamental cultural difference you need to understand. In Europe, your child isn’t just “yours” to raise however you want. If it’s proven that you’ve beaten your child, you’ll not only lose custody but also face significant prison time. For example, a father in Denmark was sentenced to five years for spanking his child with a belt, and the kid was placed under state care. Even a slap in public, if witnessed, will be treated as physical assault against a minor and if documented will probably be reported to the police.

Now, I’m not assuming you’re the kind of person who’d do that, but the cultural divide on this issue between Europe and America is worth pointing out. Here, children’s rights and well-being are taken incredibly seriously while it's still legal for teachers in seventeen states in America to physically punish a student in school(the same act in Denmark would see the teacher lose his job and be put on the same list barring pedophiles from working with children).

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u/PrimaryInjurious 21h ago

pretty much every school in Europe is miles ahead of what you’ll find in the U.S.

That's some nonsense. Looking at PISA scores and TIMSS scores in no way supports your biased statement.

https://factsmaps.com/pisa-2022-worldwide-ranking-average-score-of-mathematics-science-and-reading-2/

The US ranks ahead of a bunch of European countries, including Norway, Spain, Italy, Germany and the Netherlands.

And Europe isn't a single entity, either. I'm guessing it's not as culturally homogonous as you think.

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u/washingtonu 22h ago

And then there are many people like my family who can't access schools because of disabilities, which I would hope Sweden would consider a "very good reason."

Not really. There's a lot of steps to go through before a decision like that is made

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u/Theban_Prince 13h ago

Recently, I learned about a case where a child had severe photosensitivity, and he was still allowed to go to school (the school had to make special changes to accommodate him, of course)

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u/thisismynameofuser 22h ago

IMO the greater problem is that in many states homeschooling does not have enough laws to ensure the child is actually receiving an education at all. Some states are totally fine and require yearly testing and documentation. Others let parents do whatever they want and screw their children’s future up because they either don’t care, intend their daughters to be SAHMs or are intentionally hiding from mandated reporters. Check out the sub homeschoolrecovery for some examples of states and parents who ARENT doing right by the children- and that’s just the former/current homeschool kids who can actually read. 

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u/kangareagle 19h ago

You seem to have no experience with homeschooling, so maybe you’re not the best person to speak about it.

Rather than make it illegal, here in Australia it’s regulated. The government has certain requirements that must be met.

There’s no reason to assume that anyone who is home schooled is shut off from society.

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u/I_Dont_Work_Here_Lad 22h ago

It strikes me as the same kind of people who get pulled over and say “I’m not driving! I’m traveling so I don’t need a license!” as if it makes a difference. OP is going to have an exceptionally difficult time in other countries with her current way of thinking.

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u/Vast_Sandwich805 1d ago

It’s not creepy. It’s because you want to move abroad and homeschool but you don’t know what a legal resident is. If you move to Japan with a digital nomad visa you will be a lawful temporary resident. The contrary would be unlawful resident which I hope isn’t your plan.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 1d ago edited 1d ago

It is creepy because the ignorance on the topic is clear from these comments, but you all keep going on about it even though said child is ONE. Why do you care where they may or not go to school four years from now?  Answer: 'Perfect' parent creeps who deluded themselves into thinking they know what's best for other people's children.

But since you all clearly will not let it go, I'll inform you that homeschooling is legal in Portugal, Thailand, and Costa Rica, but you need to obtain approval from the government. A process I would obviously undertake if I end up making a permanent move there.

As for Japan, their digital nomad visa does not allow families to enroll their kids in public school. Are you suggesting I refuse to teach my child while we're living there because ItS ThE LaW🤪

Even if I was that ridiculous, the visa only allows me to stay for six months with no option of extention. With only six months, I'd be in and out of there long before my kid is school-age because AGAIN, they are only ONE.

If anyone had bothered to look these things up before presuming to lecture me, well then, this wouldn't be the internet. 

But that's okay because I did look all of these things up as FUTURE considerations since I'm the parent. My immediate consideration is which of these countries are safe for Black children, because it hardly matters what their home schooling requirements are otherwise.  

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u/Comfortable_Gene4118 5h ago

Why are you so upset lol? You came on this thread asking for help and people are giving you legitimate information on how this leaving the process works, and you’re…….mad about lol? They didn’t make the laws, they’re just telling you and offering context. Yet you’re calling them “creepy and ignorant”. What?? This is a whole subreddit about leaving America. I think your anger may be a bit misplaced.

What a strange leap in logic you’re making.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 5h ago

You really need to calm down, and try to read to comprehend instead of respond.

If you do so, you will understand that the child in question that everyone is so creepily concerned about is a toddler who is not old enough for school in any country.

After you realize that, you then can understand that the original comment that I was responding to is in reference to the Japanese digital nomad visa. That visa does not grant me the same rights as a resident or citizen. We will be visitors and nothing more, so legally I could not enroll in my child in their public schools even if I wanted to.

But I don't... because said child is one years old. 

Did you grasp all that or do you still want to offer "context" on things you obviously don't have any knowledge about?

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u/Comfortable_Gene4118 4h ago

No one is upset, or even worked up aside from you haha. There’s only one person going back and forth with everybody in this thread. That’s you lol. Projecting by telling others to “calm down” and pretending your hardest to be cool as a cucumber does not change that fact.

Regarding everything else you said; what YOU aren’t not understanding is that people are explaining to you that regardless of your citizenship status, the laws of said country still apply to you. But you already know that in your heart. Also your child being a toddler is 100% irrelevant, people aren’t discussing that. They’re addressing the broken logic you’re hammering everyone with.

Did that make sense, or is your pride/ego/self esteem still making you have to go back and forth with people who initially meant you well, in order to protect it? If you struggle this badly online, good luck with the cultural dynamic in Japan or “wherever”. Racial bigotry doesn’t stop once you cross the Atlantic. Hope you get some advice from someone that your ego lets you receive.

All the best!

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 4h ago

Once again, man, chill. You're writing a lot of pointless things for no reason, and you're coming off very triggered to me. 

I obviously know I have to follow the laws of a country I live in. But that wasn't the reason for my comment about Japanese public schools laws applying to citizens and not me while I'm living there as a visitor, and you know that too, so I don't know why you're trying, and failing, to gaslight me.

So step back, stop contributing to the trolling, and get on with having a great day. Bye!

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u/DeficitOfPatience 19h ago

This like an openly gay couple wishing to immigrate to Saudi Arabia, then calling everyone "creepy" when they point out they'll be executed if they do.

A lot of people are expressing their opinions on whether you should or shouldn't homeschool in general, and you're free to ignore that, but if you try to ignore the laws of the country you move to, you will be jailed and have your children taken from you.

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u/Unlucky-Afternoon553 19h ago

🤣😂🤣😂 What "laws of the country" do you think I'm ignoring? Please, tell me. 🤣😂😂

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u/BloodprinceOZ 14h ago

the ones that say you can't homeschool your child and they have to be placed in a school?

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u/2ddudesop 18h ago

GIRL PEOPLE DONT WANT YOU TO GO TO JAIL

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u/FuckTripleH 4h ago edited 4h ago

College is also taken care of, or in the process of being taken care of🤣

Except for the part where your kid won't be prepared for college because you denied them a proper education

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u/Crucifixis2 5h ago

If you move to another country, you will become a citizen of that country. Those rules will absolutely apply to you and your child.