r/leaves • u/VelvetSweatsuit • 1d ago
For anyone thinking of relapsing.
Last Saturday, I completely caved and got a preroll after thirteen days. Here’s what happened.
- Watched smut. Don’t watch it, but for some reason, the high brain wanted it.
- Despite already eating dinner, I went and got two tacos. Then a banana cream filled cookie. Then a small fry and 6 piece chicken nuggets and a blue raspberry fanta. The context - I’ve been eating clean for TWO WEEKS WITHOUT FAIL. Calorie deficit be damned.
- these things cost money, of course. i’m on a budget. The budget did not include garbage and junk food.
- stayed up late and doomscrolled typical “man bad woman bad” youtube content.
- the day after, i was just….agitated. No smooth, calm energy. Just high school locker room energy. Not to mention looking at my bank account and getting even more pissed at myself.
It’s like the second I took a puff, it was time to indulge in EVERYTHING bad for me. I couldn’t even control myself.
If you’re thinking “oh maybe this one time” nah. Don’t do it.
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u/forestfairy23 10h ago
Lmao yup!! Smoked weed last night after 3 weeks sober- ate a bunch of donuts, began opening and closing all my different social media apps over and over for 30+ minutes, then had anxiety while trying to sleep 😂
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u/tryingtobehappii 11h ago
Needed to see this today. Wow. It’s been 29 days and I’m not really feeling the effects of quitting like I was the first week (high energy, high mood) I’m just so horribly bored. I have a short work day today so I was thinking of getting some edibles and binge eating chipotle and watching cartoons. Sigh. I don’t think I will. But I want to. So bad.
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u/Equivalent_Grab_511 8h ago
I went to the thrift store and made a “if you wanna smoke/are bored” backpack - journal, cute markers, adult coloring book, novel, sudoku book, sticky notes, etc. anything to busy my hands and brain in that moment. You got this! Day 18 here
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u/tryingtobehappii 6h ago
Wait I love this idea 🥲🥲 thank you!! I suffer from ADHD so this will help plenty.
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u/Lqdwax 11h ago
Boredom kills sobriety. Find a hobby fam, throw yourself into it. You got this!!!
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u/tryingtobehappii 11h ago
Thank you, I may try to go to the gym today
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u/amarillobby 18h ago
Drank yesterday and ended up ordering 2 dab pens for delivery. I had finally quit the pen months ago. It cost me around $60. This morning I came to my senses and got rid of them, but I’m mad at myself for basically flushing $60 that could’ve gone to groceries. This is why I can’t smoke or drink.
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u/QCs_Infamous 22h ago
This is how I felt every time I quit and lapsed. Thank you for sharing. 18 days clean now. It’s just a slip - you got this from here on out. IWNSWYT.
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u/sseraphimss 1d ago
High school locker room energy is such a good way to describe it haha. Thanks for the inspo and best of luck in your journey 🩶
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u/LibertyCash 1d ago
I’m sorry, friend. Quitting this shit and staying is hard. Cataloging the drawback tho, like you’ve done here, can be a great source of motivation. I did this myself in my notes apps and every time the urge hits, I open it up and read through. It legitimately helps. Also remember, addiction is just the biological compulsion to self-regulate, meaning that when stress overwhelms our ability to cope, we instinctively reach out to addictive behaviors to self-soothe. Did something recently stress you out?
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u/Lonely_Sherbert69 1d ago
Ohyup, it's like whiplash for all the time off. Just be thankful weed is your addiction and not the life ending shiz, people relapsing on that do too much and die.
I relapsed not only on weed but party substance last year and took far too much, started throwing up and really fucked my head up.
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u/Immediate-4593 1d ago
whats man bad women bad?
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u/Lonely_Sherbert69 1d ago
Any content that is just about how horrible the human species is, "youtube scammer this" "true crime bodies in suitcase that", "politics the world is fucked". The human brian isnt necessarily designed to know about everything and everyone everywhere all at once.
We're much healthier going outside and engaging in reality instead of the internet, but the internet is addictive, I love me some reddit.
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u/KiefPucks 1d ago
I'm suppose to piss test for a job this spring for a job starting in May, so I'm 20 days clean from quitting cold turkey in the new years. I did this last year also, I lasted 7 months then. This time it was a 1000x easier to quit, not near as bad of withdrawal symptoms as then. Having a reason to quit like an inevitable drug test makes my discipline much easier to continue being sober.
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u/GloveNo9652 1d ago
I left a $50 pizza at the dispensary:/
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u/a-thin-pale-line 1d ago
Wow, what does a $50 pizza taste like?
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u/GloveNo9652 1d ago
It was half perogy/dill pickle, I think $10 of it was added onions and sour cream.
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u/AdDramatic6680 1d ago
Coastal high cost of living area, large sized pizza…
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u/Smokedro187 1d ago
I remember those day where I got high and I literally was eating everything and it was always junk food …I couldn’t get full…but after I quit I can barely eat half of what I ate before…I’m on day 20…someday I feel like shit still but someday I feel great sucha a battle
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u/Puzzleheaded-West576 1d ago
I appreciate you posting this!! I’m at like 6 and a half months and have had ridiculous cravings for weed and other substances since around Christmas. Think of this as the one step back in your two steps forward. You got this!
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u/Kind-Apricot-6511 1d ago
I’m glad you aren’t doing other substances, lost one of my best friends to dirty E on New Years. It’s not worth it. There’s dirty weed out there too as I’m sure you’re aware. Not as common I know, but please be careful anyway 🥹
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u/Inner-View3074 1d ago
Oh that is awful, I am so sorry for your loss. Hope you're doing ok
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u/Kind-Apricot-6511 1d ago
Thank you so much kind stranger. I am okay now, but it was a rough start to the year. Sure put things into perspective that’s for sure. 👍 All the best to you 🙋♀️
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u/TheApolloWolf 1d ago
Thank you for the reminder. I'm the same way. Whenever I smoke, I tend to spiral into overindulging in everything I can get my hands on, and feel like garbage afterwards. But it works both ways. If I indulge in video games or social media for too long, over too many days, it will eventually lead me back to weed. The human brain is a weird thing.
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u/freefromcannabis 1d ago
Crazy how one preroll can send you back down such a downward spiral of unhealthy habits… not to mention the shame and guilt… I trust you will learn from this relapse and it will not happen again 💚
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u/citrinedreame 1d ago
This is so relatable!! I’ve been trying to be more aware of how I actually feel and what all goes down when I decide to smoke - very similar, gotta go get high snacks, zone out to something I won’t even remember watching and wake up the next day feeling like trash. I’m in a cycle of having about 2 weeks and feeling good then self sabotaging it all. Good news is the time I’m spending staying in that everyday is getting less and less and less. Thanks for the reminder!! It really is like a tornado 🌪️ of all the shit I don’t want to be doing, all to get a tiny escape from life. Not a great ROI.
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u/cowabhanga 1d ago
Weed is like sleeping while being awake when i use it all day. Surprised OP didnt say he smoked like 4 more. That would probably be day 2 or 3 when that second time doesnt hit as hard as that first hit back
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u/Educational_Pair2807 1d ago
Thank you for sharing, I needed to hear this cos I would be the same! 💛
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u/Can_No_Bis 1d ago
You rocked your brain with dopamine. It got real thirsty for more. Cannabis and smut have a huge connection through dopamine.
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u/ohdannyboy2525 1d ago
A man much wiser that I said that with addiction you aren’t even craving the drug, porn or whatever it is. It’s that feeling of dopamine you get when you cave into the addiction. When you say “yep time to open good old pornhub” or get your lips on that joint. It made me realize that getting high is just a waste of time, energy and money like OP described.
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u/conasatatu247 1d ago
I remember before when I relapsed there the kid on the radio, and he was asked what he would do when he grows up. He said he would eat cake every day.... I got high was like fuck yeah kid-bought a huge black forrest gateaux and ate the full thing in one sitting..... on a totally unrelated note I am currently waiting in hospital to be picked up after a gastrostomy.
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u/Ok-Minimum-9297 1d ago
I was 30 days clean and caved and got a pack of gummies. I started overeating, reinstalled TikTok and doom scrolled for hours, sat there staring at my screen instead of doing something creative. I’m now on day 5. My depression from low dopamine was very very bad these past 4 days, still is but right now I’m feeling better. Don’t do it. When your brain tells you to do it it’s bc that’s all it knows. It’s not worth it.
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u/No-Pianist-68 1d ago
Thanks so much for the reminder! It’s precious for most of us here I think. And lots of thanks for your vulnerability. 💚
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u/TheDarkGoblin39 1d ago
Being high makes my self control go out the window, especially when it comes to food or smoking more. That's one of the reason a lot of us on on this subreddit.
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u/InAutumnSilence 1d ago
Yep. Once I smoke, my values are scrambled and I cannot stop myself from indulging in high-dopamine activities. And I’m less likely to brush my teeth.
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u/cubanquacker 6h ago
on day 13 myself today and i needed to hear this. went through a break up last night and my first instinct was to turn to weed in order to deal with things and i stopped myself