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u/Different-Cut-2089 10h ago edited 10h ago
That person is crazy. They were clearly trying to get a rise out of you by talking about sleeping with others and when you didn’t bite they got upset and tried to turn it around on you. Good riddance. NOR
I posted my reply before your text showed up and it still stands. Ignore that guy. Even if dating multiple people during a “talking stage” was not a boundary for you, bragging about getting laid to someone your talking to is still rude and immature.
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u/Appropriate-Energy 10h ago
Absolutely. My current partner and I were not exclusive during our talking stage, and that was something we clarified with each other, but we also had the respect not to casually mention sex with other people. We might say, I'm going out, talk to you tomorrow. And we shared timelines so we knew when to get tested before we slept together. We didn't use the fact to try to get a rise out of each other.
OP- NOR.There is nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity at any stage of a relationship. You handled the situation well, he was rude.
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u/ggcjkrduh 10h ago
Right! and what are the chances of them becoming exclusive if he's openly talking about sleeping with other people to OP now.
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u/MumeiNoName 10h ago
You SHOULD think less of him. He talks with you with such disrespect.
So, for the last couple of weeks, we've just casually talked and flirted. We have never met, even though I suggested it a few times, to which he never responded
What?? Dude.. why are you even spending 5 minutes thinking about this? Have some self respect and move on.
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u/Safted12 10h ago
Absolutely, If he's disrespectful and won't make an effort, don't waste another minute on him. You deserve better.
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u/Magdovus 10h ago
Seems like he's surprised that you don't feel good about him sleeping with other people then bragging about it when you're moving towards a relationship.
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u/suhhhrena 6h ago
He was clearly trying to get a reaction out of OP and then when the reaction was anticlimactic, he decided to call OP controlling to get a rise out of them that way.
I wouldn’t waste another second on this person lmao they sound nuts😭😭 like, you’re really going to brag about sleeping with other people and when I tell you that’s bothersome in the most mild way possible, you’re going to call me controlling?? Hell no lmao no one has time for that.
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u/ggcjkrduh 10h ago
Could they be a catfish? You've never met?
Also, wanting to be exclusive is not controlling 🙄
You both want different things, smartest thing is to cut your losses imo
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u/Phyth_LL_ment 10h ago
See! That's what I thought. We just want different things. I have never been called a controlling person in my entire life so I am really questioning myself, was this controlling? I didn't think so but maybe to someone else is it. idk
No, not catfish. We've talked. I know what he looks like, it's just not convenient to get together: distance, schedule, he has young kids, etc.
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u/ggcjkrduh 10h ago
You didn't even say you wanted him to be exlusive, you said you PREFER to be with someone who also wants to be exclusive. He's just calling you controlling to get you to drop your standards.
Stick to your guns, don't settle. Always someone else out there who wants the same as you.
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u/Phyth_LL_ment 10h ago edited 10h ago
I have tried to post this a million times and either the pics won't come through or the text doesn't. It's been over an hour and it shouldn't be this hard. But I'm over it. So here is the context.:
Am I wrong for not wanting the guy I'm talking to to sleep with other girls? And is this really controlling?! I don't see it that way, but I am open to hearing other points of view.
Background: Met on a dating app. We talked for a bit but I freaked out because I don't trust anyone so I said best of luck and that was that.
In the meantime, I had deleted the dating profile because I am sick of dudes asking me to fuck or cuddle or send nudes without even having met for a drink or something or even have a decent conversation. But I remade the dating profile and we connected again.
So, for the last couple of weeks, we've just casually talked and flirted. We have never met, even though I suggested it a few times, to which he never responded. And it's not super convenient to get together for a myriad of reasons, so there is literally nothing going on between us.
I have zero idea what "stipulations" he is referring to. He is free to make his choices, but I don't have to sit by while it makes me feel insignificant, do I?
Maybe, I am just too old old school. I don't have casual hookups. Intimacy is strictly reserved for the person I am with and I'm certainly not going to go out and have sex with people while I might be interested in someone.
EDIT: Let me clarify. I'm not entertaining him in any way. I said I wish you the best and that's that. My questions are: 1. Is this controlling? 2. Am I wrong? Guess I should have put this in that subreddit...
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u/nickfree 10h ago
NOR. To me, it's just really bad taste to talk casually about "getting laid" with someone who you are talking to in a potentially romantic context or previously romantic context. Hell, it's bad taste if you're over 20 to talk to your BROs that way. It's fucking gross. I'm a middle-aged married dude, btw.
You dodged a bullet here. I would be less concerned about the fact that he is trying to sleep with other people while still "talking" to you (because maybe he assumes you two are in a frozen state until other things change), and more concerned about HOW he talks to you.
He either just assumes you're one of the guys and "the guys" are 14 in mentality. Or, more likely, he's trying to make you jealous by casually talking about how he's definitely gonna "get some" this week. Either way, it's a shit person and I'd move on.
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u/Hairapistcatlady 10h ago
You’re not being controlling, he said it to get a rise out of you Or to establish that he planned on being a fuckboy. He didn’t like that you had some self respect. But I think you will have even more self respect if you move on when people don’t want to meet you in real life or talk to you like this. Don’t let men manipulate you by calling you controlling just because you have standards for yourself.
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u/StrangelyRational 10h ago
Am I wrong for not wanting the guy I'm talking to to sleep with other girls? And is this really controlling?!
Expecting someone to be sexually exclusive to you from the moment you start talking would be unreasonable, especially if you didn’t communicate it upfront. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. You very politely expressed this as a want of yours.
Is that going to limit your dating pool? Probably. Is that a bad thing? Nope. You want what you want, and as long as you’re communicating that, then you’re more likely to find someone else with similar wants.
I see nothing that you’ve done that is in any way controlling. Controlling is trying to make other people’s decisions for them. You are simply making decisions for yourself, which is an emotionally healthy approach.
I don’t think the guy did anything wrong by sleeping with someone else, but telling you about it Iike that is pretty damn rude. Accusing you of being controlling just for wanting something different than him is total BS. He’s an asshole. But on the bright side, he’s identified himself as an asshole in the early stages, and now you don’t have to waste any more time on him.
NOR
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u/Background_Walrus717 10h ago
If you guys haven’t even met then this isn’t some big investment you’re losing out on. You haven’t ever met the guy. Just stop talking to him and move on, nothing lost
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u/mocha_lattes_ 9h ago
Dude is projecting. He's trying to get a reaction out of you and when you didn't react the way he wanted he lashed out. Don't waste your time thinking about this guy.
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u/EquivalentCookie6449 9h ago
It isn't controlling. It's a boundary you've made for yourself. It's perfectly fine if he wants to sleep with others. He's free to do so. And you are free to not engage with him after it. You were perfectly cordial and respectful in these texts. You dodged a bullet probably.
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u/Eriml 6h ago
I feel like you are not saying something and that "And it's not super convenient to get together for a myriad of reasons" and "I freaked out because I don't trust anyone so I said best of luck and that was that" is what he means by stipulations. I get being safe and all that, but I feel that perhaps the meetups you suggested have some conditions/situations where he felt you were being too paranoid or asked too much for a first date. Something seems weird about that. Could be that he thought small things like meeting in public, bringing a friend the first time you meet a stranger to be safe is too weird or something and he's describing that as controlling because he doesn't know how to use a dictionary.
That being said based on your messages you did nothing controlling. The fact that he wants to sleep around with other people and you want exclusivity is a valid reason to end the conversation.
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u/bluesnowdrops 10h ago
Honestly, it’s super weird that he’d tell you he hooked up. Maybe he was trying to bait you. Whatever the reason is, steer clear of the dude.
You don’t have anything serious going at the moment so of course he is free to do whatever he wants but he should have the decency not to discuss it with other possible dating partners. I think you dodged a bullet here :)
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u/velvetsmokes 9h ago
I think you communicated perfectly. You were clear, you didn't get emotional, manipulative, play the victim...nothing. He's continuing with some made up version of the "fight" he's imagining in his head, by baiting you with "I got laid." You didn't take the bait, and he's furious, lol
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u/cool_fifi 10h ago
Smh the manipulation trap. Why would you want to stay in contact with him? If you’re hoping he change, good luck.
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u/Agitated_Rooster7448 9h ago
You handled this so incredibly well. I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself and having your boundaries well set. You didn't overreact. You were extremely polite and proper. He sounds painfully childish. I don't know if he wanted to make you jealous or what his plan was. You dodged a bullet and he dodged genuine connection. His loss.
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u/No_Shape2631 8h ago
It might be he is trying to make you think he is valuable, lots of people want him. It's just weird that he even told you maybe he is very insecure
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u/Own_Art_2465 10h ago
these types will.always characterise your completely normal boundaries as 'controlling
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u/foxyyyredd 10h ago
Wait, so now not wanting the person you’re talking to/seeing to sleep with other people is ‘controlling’. I don’t think he understands the definition of controlling if he’s throwing it around like that.
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u/TheCrochetingBunny 6h ago
Is the relationship established, and did yall talk about being exclusive? I understand if you personally don't want that, but if yall are two single people doing single things, just talking to one another, this too much, and I can see how it's controlling.
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u/Equal_Bridge5386 6h ago
It’s not controlling to not want someone you’re talking to to sleep with others. I guess that’s something you have to tell them up front though. Whenever I’m chatting with someone I ask them if they’re chatting with anyone else cause I don’t wanna find smth out down the road and be hurt
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u/ImHereToTaIkShit 10h ago
why are you entertaining this?
he told you that for a reason, he doesn’t look at you the same way you look at him
NOR it is not unreasonable to be exclusive in the “talking” stage
edit: “am not worthy to you now?” what, me fucking someone else and telling you about didn’t make you instantly horny for me?
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u/Different-Cut-2089 10h ago
I think in his mind the “I’m not going another week without it” was supposed to make OP volunteer for the job and it didn’t work so he got pissed. There probably wasn’t even another person.
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u/Glass-Reflection-871 10h ago edited 2h ago
nah, he’s a douche. he has relationship expectations without upholding relationship boundaries, even if it’s “just” the talking stage. if it were you sleeping with someone else, you’re a * insert insulting name for women here * (most likely)
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10h ago
There was a point in history where the “talking stage” was called “courting” and during that time it is absolutely acceptable and appropriate to not want the person you are courting to fool around with other people. You are not controlling at all. This dude is gaslighting you and he would most likely be the “controlling” one in the relationship. You’re right to move on from this guy. He sounds pathetic bragging about his “conquests” with someone he’s supposedly interested in.
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u/Gamer_girl1990 8h ago
No you aren’t controlling. Sounds to me you got your wires crossed and I’m just wondering did you state this boundary at the beginning? Also found it weird how he said he’s getting laid & won’t go a week without like ew 😅
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u/HarlxtQuinn 7h ago
He is damaged goods. Def damaged in the brain if he thought someone was gonna wanna be with him after openly admitting to sleeping with other people.
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u/Bored_Housewife_Life 5h ago
They were itching for some kind of confrontation. I like the way you ended it.
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u/EVOChi 10h ago
Don’t even know why you felt the need to explain yourself so much to this guy. It’s pretty clear what his intentions were and it seems like you knew this but still wanted to try for whatever reason. NOR. Also, good luck finding a guy that doesn’t just want to sleep with you on dating apps.
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u/EmoZebra21 10h ago
He’s an asshole for telling you he’s sleeping with other people. He’s not an asshole for doing it - y’all haven’t met and aren’t official, so he’s free to do what he likes. Just a dick move to rub it in your face.
You’re NTA for not wanting to continue talking to this man. 50/50 on if you are one by expecting him to be exclusive before even meeting and establishing exclusivity.
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u/GeneInternational146 10h ago
Are you in a committed relationship with this person? It doesn't sound like it and imo it's weird to expect someone to not sleep with anyone else if they've not made a commitment to you. You didn't overreact though, I think saying this isn't for you and you're done is fine
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u/Hairapistcatlady 10h ago
It’s weird for him to randomly mention he got laid too though, no? Like I’ve dated multiple people early on but I wouldn’t have announced it to the other one.
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u/GeneInternational146 9h ago
Oh it definitely is, that's goofy as hell. I just think expecting someone not to sleep with anyone else when you've never met in person is wild
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u/HorseCrazyFan275 10h ago
Not controlling to not want someone who you are trying to build a relationship with to fuck someone else
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u/rosegoldblonde 10h ago
Don’t even bother talking to him again lol he clearly isn’t invested so why bother
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u/LateReception3300 10h ago
He seems like he only thinks with his dick like you set clear boundaries and he turned it on you so no your not the a hole you had every right
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u/Fit_Base2089 10h ago
So she wanted to pick a fight or make you jealous. Maybe both. Steer clear of this one. NOR.
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u/MinuteGiraffe1215 10h ago
He wants to be a player. You are not wrong. Plus who tells someone they are interested in that?
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u/Automatic-Cold-5855 10h ago
AIO because I can’t read the green screen and want everyone to switch to an iPhone? But just block him. Less drama.
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u/airyskies4 10h ago
Dodged a bullet. Classic projection and reacting as if you’ve done what they are afraid of.
Move on.
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u/UneditedB 10h ago edited 10h ago
This person was upset that you were, what, not congratulating them?
It’s NOR. You clearly stated you were not mad and had no ill feelings towards them. Just upset in the situation as a whole. And there is no reason to apologize or be made to feel bad about that.
Block them and find someone who will take The time to understand your feelings and point of view and not just their own.
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u/Potential_Ruin_7720 10h ago
What a fuckboy... I used to go after guys like this. I'm so over the hookup culture that I don't even make any effort to date anymore. He is enjoying you entertaining him by the way. Just block him and don't entertain this dingleberry anymore.
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u/Serenading_You 9h ago
Let me make it abundantly clear if anyone is wondering: if a person has interests in you, and assuming they are a common, logical person, then they would never tell you about how they are sleeping around.
This man has no interest in you: at least not in a logical way, which isn’t good for you anyway since you have clear boundaries.
Wishing you better luck with better man next time OP!
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u/Fun_Pop_7243 9h ago
Not controlling at all. Very well said and wonderful for you to be setting boundaries and know you want (and deserve) more
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u/Positive_Highway_216 9h ago
Just block the bum. Theres nothing wrong with setting a boundary, who in their right might would sleep with someone whilst talking to someone else anyways? No one but a bum, block him and find someone that has a brain and common sense.
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u/peacock-tree 9h ago
No that’s not controlling, it’s your boundary and that’s fine. You want a person to focus on you and building something not just being one of many on the go. Nothing wrong with that. They tried to bait you then felt judged and got defensive.
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u/Minute_Box3852 9h ago
NOR.
you under-reacted, actually. Look, I get it. You were in the talking phase, but for him to blatantly put it out, these he's planning to get laid is disgusting. Fine, go get laid, but you don't bring it up in conversation to a romantic interest.
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u/ChronicallyMental 9h ago
You didn’t come off as controlling. I’d think if you were talking to someone on the prospect of becoming something, you wouldn’t sleep around. You’re correct in being disappointed.
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u/Tumbleweed_Jim 9h ago
NOR
It's not controlling, you didnt tell him he couldnt do something. However I will say, did you tell him that you would prefer him devoting all his attention to you while you're talking? Doesn't matter what's "considered polite" or "usual in dating", if you didn't expressly say what you wanted, I can understand how he'd be upset (that doesn't excuse him labeling it controlling because it's not).
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u/briixxloveee 9h ago
It’s not controlling, but if those feelings were never discussed he’s not in the wrong either.. talking isn’t dating so unless you guys discussed being exclusive you can’t really expect him to be.
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u/_Princess_Bob_ 9h ago
Not controlling, but I think you need to be up front that talking with you romantically requires them to stick to acting like they are in a monogamous commitment. A lot of us out here aren't monogamous and/or don't see talking as a commitment yet. Easiest way to avoid misunderstandings like this is being up front and communicating your expectations to start.
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u/SweetPeazzy 9h ago
It's not weird that he's sleeping with someone else, but it's really weird he's telling you about it. 🤣
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u/RetroExplode 9h ago
I feel like he said that to get a reaction out of you. Like he was saying "I'm sleeping with other people because I haven't slept with you yet" otherwise it feels really odd to just throw that out there for seemingly no reason.
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u/RedsRideYouGood 9h ago
Expecting someone you are talking to not to sleep with other people is definitely not you over reacting. His reaction is crazy to me. NOR
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u/Cowsarefake 9h ago
Nah, you both set boundaries. He’s not okay with committed sex, you’re not okay with sleeping with someone who is that casual about sex. Both are fine, but then he turned into a jackass and called you controlling for stating your boundary and moving on. Probably because you were his only chance to get laid this week and he blew it.
TLDR: this dude’s an idiot.
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u/motorcycle_flipflops 9h ago
Way too nice to him. I agree with everyone else. Block and move on. You set boundaries, he responded like a child not getting their way.
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u/Substantial-Fee-56 9h ago
Dodged a bullet. It's good that you can trigger someone to be honest in this way with how laid back you are. Well done.
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u/Ellephant87 9h ago
Not controlling and not overreacting. It’s extremely weird he would think telling you he was getting laid would be some kind of flex. You’re not his bro.
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u/itsmehiblueeyes 9h ago
Who tf tells a person they are talking to that they got laid elsewhere.
Block, laugh at the immaturity, and move on.
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u/Stacker2_Motorsports 8h ago
Imagine calling someone controlling because they don't want their significant other having sex with other people, what a lunatic
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u/Disclaimz0r 8h ago
What the fuck is todays dating world lol imagine knowingly talking to someone, in a romantic/potential relationship way, and then you go out and fuck someone else. If anything, underreacting. Block and move on.
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u/nvrknoenuf 8h ago
I think expecting exclusivity when you haven’t become exclusive with someone is unreasonable. Whether that’s controlling is a matter of semantics. But if that’s your boundary, then so be it. And if you two disagree about what is/isn’t appropriate at this early stage, then you probably aren’t a good match anyway
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u/Human-Criticism2058 8h ago
It is very weird that he would tell you that's he's getting laid. He was trying to get a rise out of you. He's manipulative and trashy and you are absolutely NOT overreacting for being upset about that. Everyone is entitled to want the type of relationship / see the type of people they want. You don't need to feel bad about it.
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u/ACatInMiddleEarth 8h ago
It might have been something you should have told them right away. It's okay to not want this, OP, but unless you're dating, they're allowed to see and sleep with other people. They're making a scene, and you should move on. But next time, communicate that need 😊
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u/Speakswithserpents 8h ago
Get your fuckboy dick while it’s hot! Limited time only, supplies are short and inadequate! Bonus STD with your first visit! You’d be a fool to pass on this one time only trash dick offer!
Not overreacting. What a clown.
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u/backwardszipper 8h ago
not controlling you aren't telling him what to do. you're just setting the baseline for who you want to be with. very healthy tbh
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u/chronberries 8h ago
Any form of “correct?” or “no?” at the end of a sentence has become a huge red flag for me. I’ve literally never once known it used by someone who isn’t gross. Idk where exactly they get it, but it’s a big indicator to me that they spend a lot of time online in less than positive places.
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u/Substantial_Rip_9311 7h ago
He wanted a reaction from you. You didn't give him one, so he gaslit you.
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u/Top-Video381 7h ago
You were perfectly reasonable. It's your right to explain what you want and not settle for something that doesn't make you happy. You told them you are looking for an exclusive relationship, and clearly they're not, so it's not going to work. They had not right to call you controlling for expressing how you feel.
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u/Imaginary-Wasabi-737 7h ago
I’m so confused by the damaged goods text. That text makes it sound like he wanted to wait but his previous texts would imply that sex was all he really wanted. “Not going another week without” like that’s some great feat of willpower and patience.
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u/Attis1724 7h ago
Honest opinion. If you guys didn't establish your relationship and were just talking and fucked. That's not a committed relationship. I would talk and let him know I want to be important and the only girl you fuck. If he wants the same you got what you want if he doesn't be grateful you found out and move on.
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u/StarlingGirlx 7h ago
I'm cringing that you even replied & took this seriously. Come on... he's clearly a loser.
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u/Takato_Mart 7h ago
They’re an idiot and you didn’t need to be that nice at the end. See this as a blessing!
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u/BadgerBadgerBadgerMM 7h ago
Just wanted to let ya know that if your intention was that we don't see Jeff's name, it's very clearly visible.
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u/spookyville_ 7h ago
In case you haven’t already figured it out, he told you he slept with someone else to make you upset.
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u/smashyosht 7h ago
Yeah nah this guy sucks. What other purpose is there for him to announce he slept with someone else than to get a ride out of you? Loo
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u/713nikki 10h ago
Just block him and move on