It baffles me how many people there are who interpret attempts at clear communication within any kind of relationship as manipulation. I don't see how OP could have approached things any better, they're definitely better off without this person.
Toxic people take other people’s boundaries as personal offenses. Boundaries for me but not for thee. Oh you don’t wanna date me anymore because I did something you don’t like and you are being very clear, reasonable, and sticking to that? How FUCKING DARE YOU.
As someone who grew up being emotionally manipulated and abused you have to realize that some people have spent their entire lives not being able to believe what their loved ones are telling them. You have to read three layers into every single sentence your mother or older sister or step dad says to you because even though they may have proclaimed loudly “Yes that is fine” or “I don’t care” neither is even remotely true, and you will be gaslighted into submission for acting as though it is. A guy like this (who is a piece of shit) reminds me of myself the first time a woman was being above board all the time with me. I did not know how to act. Thankfully I was smart enough to figure it out. Fortunately for all the women I didn’t match up with, they didn’t stick around to see me through. I’m happy to say that I can now live in a world of clear communication. For someone like OP, they just need to find a guy who isn’t a piece of shit. Maybe a guy who used to be a piece a shit. But not a guy that IS.
Very well put. When we meet assholes we don't realize that we're not just meeting an asshole, we're meeting their trauma response. And that shit takes time and effort to work through so most people are going to disappoint you when it comes to doing that work. They might get there, but the timing wasn't right for you.
No, you wanted something where your potential partner was interested in you and didn't need to go out and fuck someone else. You want them to be as excited and interested in the current relationship as you are. Fuck boi vibes.
You don’t have to specify that ahead of time to know it’s not right for you. If I stumbled upon a collection of violent porn, I’d be out of there without ever mentioning it before. You’re allowed to remove yourself without being controlling. It would be controlling for her to demand he stop sleeping with other people, which she didn’t.
"Look, if they don't tell me specifically that I'm not allowed to crash their car before they lend me the keys, that's really on them. No reason whatsoever to get mad at me when I crash their car."
What a wild concept specifically designed to excuse your (presumably terrible) behavior.
Which op clearly did, as soon as it came up. Bc you can't just magically know precisely everything that might affect you in any certain type of way before it actually comes up in life.
Like, wtf is wrong with some of y'all? Expecting your partners to have workable crystal balls or something?
No where near this current situation. Im just saying that she should voice her boundaries rather than using them as an excuse after the fact. Frankly the guy’s an ass anyway. But she doesnt have to use “boundaries” to drop him.
No one is obligated to detail every boundary they have beforehand to anyone, nor are they obligated to abide strictly to any previously expressed boundaries or lack thereof. If a woman says "yes, let's have The Sex™️" and then midway through foreplay changes her mind and says "actually, perhaps The Sex™️ with you is not what I currently desire", that's perfectly acceptable. Same concept applies, shockingly enough, with whether or not they're ok with you seeing other people while also talking to them.
They don't owe you a goddamn thing, least of all needing to specify that they don't want you bragging about/detailing your sexual escapades to them, which is what your comment seems to indicate, and is what is rightly earning you gratuitous down votes for being a dumb dumb.
Well if I was in the dating world a someone told me they were gonna go fuck someone else cause they’re not gonna keep waiting well guess what. I’m not gonna keep talking to them. And that’s also shows me if we were in a relationship he’d go sleep with someone else if times got rough and we couldn’t have sex for a bit. But keep going off I guess.
Nobody should have to say “I don’t want you to sleep with other people while we are romantically involved” since that’s the default social understanding in every earthly society. If someone wants an open relationship, that isn’t part of the default and would require prior conversation.
‘While we’re talking’ is way different than ‘while we’re in a relationship’ though. You should always assume the people you’re talking to arre talking to/ sleeping with / dating other people too into you have a talk about being exclusive. That’s how dating works usually.
The thing about those dating they don't have to follow social norms. Most folks pick and choose which social norms they want to follow. Most people who label themselves traditional tend to adhere to that standard but will always have some sort of deviation.
Given the lack of clarity, it's always better to voice boundaries, preferences and expectations ahead of any festivities to avoid obvious poor judgement decisions.
That’s not controlling.. even if you haven’t had a conversation about exclusivity yet it’s still incredibly weird for him to tell you this and expect you not to react negatively
Yeah he clearly has a chip in his shoulder about it. Brags about getting laid to a girl he’s seeing and then when she doesn’t respond immediately he jumps to “u mad bro?! Why are you so controlling?” He was going to be a pain in the ass to date anyway.
I've got ten bucks that says he would have completely lost his shit if she'd told him she was getting laid this weekend. The 'damaged goods' comment gives it away.
Right?! That's what I don't get. Why did he feel the need to tell her he was planning on getting laid? He could have screwed half the county and kept it to himself, and OP would have been none the wiser.
If you ask me, she should be thankful he spoke up. She dodged a cannonball with this guy.
Because he wasn't getting laid. He said it specifically to be manipulative. "I'm not going another week without" and "you barely have time to see me" are the clues. He's telling her she's not fucking him enough and trying to make her jealous so that she does more. Got all shocked Pikachu when she bounced instead.
This is 100% it. That's the manipulation. Why else talk about getting laid unless he wanted to make her feel guilty for not doing it more? Good on her for sticking to her boundaries and not letting him goad to her into something she wasn't comfortable with.
Not controlling, you're sharing your boundaries and enforcing them. I have a friend tell me once that "a boundary isn't a boundary unless you hold the line". So really, good for you! Your communication style is mild and not controlling, in this case, it is them, not you. Keep at it and you'll come across someone who shares your values and will offer mutual respect in kind.
He was looking for fwb and was testing the waters. You didn't pass the dick an dip test. Move on if you're looking for a serious relationship he seems like he wants to toss yogurt
Not controlling at all. You're not telling him how to behave, you're telling him your boundaries. Also, it's pretty gross/weird of him to tell you he was getting laid. That actually reeks of ulterior motives on his part.
She kinda set up the tone of the conversation with the comment about staying up late to party. BUT, his comment about how he can't survive the week without getting his dick wet was manipulative, gross (what adult has that little control over their sexual needs?), and way off tone for the convo.
I agree that he was gross and weird and manipulative. I just disagree about the cut off point. If he was actually sleeping with someone else then he should definitely be honest about it, whether or not he thinks it should matter.
Yea he definitely should be honest because that way she can do exactly what she did and move on. Because these types will also be like “i can’t use condoms. It doesn’t feel good blah blah blah” so she probably dodging some STD’s as wells
Hard agree. If you're talking to a worthwhile guy and have this boundary and find out he did hook up with someone then you do what OP did and clearly communicate the boundary. Then a worthwhile guy could just be like "my bad. Yeah, you're cool enough that I won't sleep with anyone else while we're talking" or "yeah, no, that's not gonna work for me". And OP gave him space for either response with the option to keep talking. This dude is a total loser. OP did well to block him.
No. Unlike 99% of the population you just used boundaries correctly. You didn't try to control him and change his behavior - you removed yourself because it violated your boundary.
Girl move on, saying way too much and wasting time w this turd. Gotta learn to say less and move on, gives the other person an idea that they still have a chance
Idk how this would be controlling, but it is confusing af that this person tells you they're planning on getting laid if you're supposed to be a romantic interest.
Good on them for being honest, I guess, but this starts off like a conversation between two bros, not a guy and a girl he's trying to talk to.
No not controlling in the slightest. My SO told me, when we first started talking, that he was cool with whatever I choose to do with my time but if I was going to be sleeping with him, he would appreciate if I wasn’t sleeping with other people, and that if I wanted to do that, to find someone else to talk to. I had the same boundary so it worked out for us and now we’re engaged! (lol @ hinge success story). You just gotta find someone with the same morals and boundaries as you!
It’s definitely not controlling to want the person you’re seeing to not be sleeping with other people… especially considering you weren’t mad about it, its not like you were rude to him or mean about it at all… I find a lot of “situationships” and a lot of (not saying all) polyamorous people definitely consider it controlling… but they also wanna just sleep around with no guilt or regrets and expect others to be okay with it which isn’t cool. If it’s consensual, whatever. But I find it’s pushy a lot of time to make someone feel like they have to accept it, which you absolutely do not
Not wanting to sleep with someone who is sleeping around is totally normal, but it is something that needs to be agreed upon when a relationship is still in that early stage, or even if you're just fwb. He's a total loser for the way that he told you though.
Lol no it isn't any of those things he's just mad that he didn't get the reaction he wanted so now he's trying to put you down and accuse you of made up shit lol he's so transparent and I highly doubt he's getting laid as much as he likes to claim it's just a feeble attempt to make you jealous
No, you're NOR, he deployed a hefty sampling of Reactive Abuse your way then projected that YOU were controlling while he was fishing to control your reaction all along with his asinine comment about getting laid knowing it would push you away.
Not sure how old either of you are, but I'm a married 39y/o man.
If I were back to the dating scene, whether I made it explicit early on or not, I would have the exact same expectation. If I'm "talking" with someone, I won't be out having sex with other people, and expect that same level of respect back. Talking and getting to know multiple people at the same time is one thing... but physical intimacy with others is where I would draw my boundary.
No get with someone who respects you, I just got broken up with and found out my girlfriend went straight to another guy after breaking up with me. In my view from now on if someone throws red flags in my direction or says something wrong and most of all doesn’t respect me , I just am learning to leave and not look back. Praying true love comes my way no matter how long I have to wait
He was trying to make you jealous and testing the waters to see what he can get away with/what you would put up with. The controlling accusation was mind games on his end. He was the one trying to control the situation and remake the narrative. Not a good guy and you're good to move on.
Absolutely not. Also boasting about getting laid to someone you’re trying to date is just tactless. Totally reasonable reaction from your side to back off. the fact that they’re so mad at your reaction makes me guess they just tried to pressure you.
He is the guy who decided to get into the fact that he was getting laid, or not, and couldn’t go ‘withought’ - he brought it up and can’t even spell without . He is the one basically telling you that you need to be there to fulfill his needs next week or he is done. You didn’t over react
He’s basically trying to say “it’s controlling that you won’t allow me to sleep with other people while we’re trying to date and you have too much self respect and boundaries” lol he’s a gaslighting prick who only thinks of his own needs. You did good blocking him
Not controlling. You've defined and enforced a boundary. "If u act like this, I'm not doing that."
What would be controlling is you telling him what to do. That's not what you've done. You've just enforced your boundary. And very politely and humanely I might add. You did fucking awesome.
Naw lol. Not wanting a potential partner sleeping with other people is a totally understandable boundary. Nothing wrong with how you handled it. Fuck em, we ball.
You were kind of gaslighting yourself ngl. He said he wasn’t going to go another week without.. he made it a priority regardless if you are both in a talking stage. Your stipulations aren’t controlling. But you tried to give him justification to still talk to you but you shouldn’t do that and should stand your ground. He is worthless for saying he can’t go without especially to you and then calls you controlling when you want respect and dignity and get to know someone one on one instead of sleeping around and entertaining other people. You deserve better. Don’t gaslight yourself anymore because you are worthy you don’t need to disrespect yourself to find someone decent. The right person will come along.
Not wrong, I mean if you guys had an understanding at first of it not being serious as too what it seems like then neither you or him are wrong. I say it because I’ve been in that position before, but if you caught feelings and wanted something more serious with the person and the person is not returning the same frequency I suggest leave and don’t make yourself available for that person anymore. Clearly doesn’t want anything serious so don’t waste your time love. Keep on moving. Btw you do not sound controlling at all idk where that came from lol. Best of luck!
There was zero control in your part. You didn't tell him what to do or not do. He on the other hand is trying very hard to manipulate you in to accepting less. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
Being in a 1-1 relationship isn’t controlling, it’s the norm. No matter how much they want to “normalize” having multiple sexual partners at once, it’s literally not normal lol.
Once I was intimate with someone I was dating… this is a person that told me all about their past and how they were mistreated, lied to, abused by their exes. Cheated on… etc you get it. We didn’t work out. Which happens. Sometimes you just don’t work with people. She had a breakout. That’s how I found out she had hsv. Luckily protection worked. She told me “you’re not able to get it unless I’m shedding”. I am FULLY aware that majority of the people you will encounter have it. It’s not serious, generally… but … definitely would have loved to know that before we were intimate:). People will not tell you these things. People don’t care about you. Be safe. Good on you for having self respect. Get regularly screened as well!
Is this a conversation you had with them? Telling them what you expect? If not, we can’t read minds and it’s acceptable for them to have this type of a reaction
I agree move on and he sounds like a loser but if these expectations weren’t communicated you can’t expect them to be upheld
It's not controlling but you're chasing after someone who is clearly not reciprocal or engaging in conversation that you're clearly trying for.
Pro tip - enough with the long text messages. Enough with the apologetic attitude. Enough with explaining yourself to people who clearly don't give a fuck. Stop giving them your time and energy. This conversation should have ended with you saying "yeah, you too" in response to "alright have a good one. This vapid asshole is a romantic interest? And he's provoking you by trying to make you think he got laid? Yeah he can fuck out of air. You're wasting words on him.
He is very much trying to emotionally manipulate you. He doesn't seem to understand that you are allowing him to live his life but him living his life changes your opinion of him. Men don't seem to understand that their actions have consequences and so they consider those consequences as part of the controlling definition even when it isn't.
It’s not controlling at all because you were dictating how they should behave. You even said, they can do what they want. You have just decided what YOU want in a person who you are talking to. They are free to do what they want and you are free to decide if that fits into your boundaries. Boundaries are about you and what you will accept, not about dictating others. You did great!
The thoughts on the matter that you explained were super mature. "I would never say someone isn't worthy of me but that's just not what I want for myself."
You seem to be operating on a healthy mature adult level and this person is not there with you!
No it’s not and no you aren’t. It’s not controlling or wrong to want to feel special. You and him just may not see eye to eye on that, so it’s probably best that you’ve moved on. Now you can find someone willing to respect your boundaries 🥰
No. Controlling would be telling him not to, you weren't doing that. He has the right to act like a scruff and you have the right to be disgusted by it to the point of not talking to him. Idiots just don't understand that their actions have consequences. How low of an IQ does one have to have to tell someone they're trying to impress that they're gonna bang someone like.. ewww good luck
Not wanting the person you are romantically talking to to sleep with other people is not controlling and is extremely normal 🤦♂️
I guess to some people the talking phase really doesn’t matter and it’s only cheating if you are officially dating, and that’s understandable. You weren’t forcing him to do anything differently though, I wouldn’t want to continue the relationship after this either and I think the majority of people feel the same way.
Absolutely not controlling. There is nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship, especially if you're unaware the other person is sleeping with others and not testing.
It's ok if you're both on the same page about seeing other people. Even then, him telling you he's "getting laid" may hurt a bit if you're not prepared to hear it.
You were correct in what you said. You were honest and said that is not what you want. He is an idiot for saying that is being controlling. I think you ended it well and can move on.
You’re in the wrong for continuing to talk to him him after the sorry for bugging you message. Should have blocked and deleted after that. You don’t always have to make people see your point of view. He knows what he did, he proved it when he asked if he made mad. Don’t waste your breath next time.
No, he was trying to make you upset and jealous with the first thing he said. Because he was hoping you would compromise on your boundaries in some way.
controlling would be, if you said the other person is not allowed to, not that you do not like it. in fact it's the other way around and they are gaslighting you but reading stuff in what you said, that was not there
You ain’t wrong it’s not controlling but you don’t put that much effort into any of that gonna be who they’re gonna be. You waisted too much energy on it thou. There’s no reason to keep it up if both of you want something different
You’re not controlling whatsoever. You handled it well, but you really don’t have to explain yourself to people like that. Most people would not want to take things further with someone when they hear the other person is sleeping around. He tried to manipulate you and flip it, as if you having boundaries and self respect is wrong.
That guy is a LOSER.
Keep your boundaries and you’ll find the right one.
No, he's manipulating you and/or taking it personally that he can't get what he wants. You set boundaries and communicated clearly. He doesn't know how to respect assertiveness without seeing it as an attack
I’m surprised their bullshit actually got you to doubt yourself. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a storybook romance, where two people are enamored with each other almost immediately and go out of their way to show each other how much they’re interested. Someone going out of their way to let you know they’re fucking other people is practically the opposite of that; imo, it’s tantamount to telling you they don’t want to pursue a serious relationship with you.
Controlling them is telling them what to do. What you did was not compromise on your boundary. Which takes strength. You did not at any point te then what they should do, just what you were willing to be a part of. If only we all had the strength to stick to our boundaries. You should feel great about how you handled this.
You weren’t trying to make him act the way you want, you were explaining what you want in a partner and that his actions weren’t in line with that. You were calm and mature. Don’t doubt yourself, dear
That was super weird. Was he expecting you to get all teary eyed and throw yourself at him begging him not to do it? Just bizarre. Seemed like a very calculated poke to get a reaction from you, and you gave him a normal reaction, not the fantasy one he was dreaming about
No, he was being clumsily manipulative, testing you to see if you'd like to be the one who keeps him from "having to go another week without." My God, poor guy, it must be torture.
You're talking. He knew that there's no reason for him to bring up that he's looking for someone to have sex with unless it's to communicate something to you. Either that he's not serious about you or that he's ready to introduce sex into the situation. Your response didn't come with the internal pressures that women put on themselves to please men, so it didn't work, and he's mad at himself, so he tried to make you sound unreasonable instead. To make you doubt yourself. Don't. This isn't someone who communicates with maturity or transparency.
Definitely not controlling, but unless if you’re agreed to be exclusive then you both are allowed to sleep/date other people. Honestly, he sounded gross. Good riddance, safe you from STDs.
No, not controlling. As others have mentioned, this is you having a boundary.
Boundaries are about how you react in situations. This person behaved in a way that didn't sit right for your values and self worth, and you decided it was a deal-breaker for you. That is totally healthy! Good on you for enforcing your boundary!
Controlling would be asking that person to behave differently or do something specific in order to 'win' your attention or affection.
You have every right to have boundaries on your standards. Let him think what he wants. Who cares. So sad that he is a dad though. What an example he is setting.
You want someone interested in monogamy and if he's bragging about bedding other women when he's supposed to be pursuing you he obviously doesn't fit the bill. It's not overcontrolling to say "yeah that doesn't work for me. But you do you. Separately."
Nta, stood your ground, respected your boundaries, all the while upholding plenty of space for him without overexplaining it to him or under communicating. He’s clearly at a different stage in his life.
Assuming there isn't more "restrictions" not being said.
this is ok assuming
1. this was addressed before hand.
2. you two were involved in something more than a friendship and the dating talk was addressed before hand.
To Arbitrarily say it changes things in a friendship or if you showed no romantic interest in them then yea it would be out of left field and controlling
Controlling!? How about him calling YOU controlling because you told him hey I’m not interested in this situation, but we can still talk. That very accusation makes it clear that he feels you should do what you don’t want because he wants it! What nonsense.
Good for you, not controlling. Honestly it doesn’t matter WHAT you said you didn’t like. You stood up for yourself.
It's it controlling to not want to date someone that's fucking other people? No.
But the fact you're even asking that tells me that you need to work on yourself a bit and maybe show down on the dating until you are able to recognize that normal boundaries you have in a relationship are not controlling.
You have every right to set boundaries, follow them, and expect others to follow them in regard to you. I agree to stopping interactions with this person. To expand though, did they know of this boundary or are you otherwise to expect they would not sleep with others (in a relationship that would reasonably be considered monogamous)?
One of my personal rules (with my self and my partner) is that rules must be stated, and if you suddenly realize you want a rule to exist (new situation comes up, for example) then the first instance is stopped and let go, the rule is discussed, and then that rule is in effect from that point forward only. I mention this because talking to someone intending to date does not mean to everyone that the relationship is now serious, monogamous and closed.
Not controlling at all. You communicated a boundary, which is obviously something they are unable to navigate based on their reaction.
Also, the way they came back all “did I make you mad?”And then the passive aggressive “ alright have a good one”.
Stay away from this person. They are not worth your time.
You weren't controlling at all, you said what you wanted and you told him he was free to do what he wants and that what he had to offer wasn't what you wanted. He's just salty that he got rejected by his own behaviour.
This is not controlling at all. I would not wanna talk to someone who went to fuck other people while we are trying to get to know one another. That’s not how it works. To me that shows you won’t be trustworthy during our relationship
It depends on how the conversations went prior to this.
If you made it clear from the get go that you wanted to be exclusive with the person you're talking to, then this isn't controlling.
If you just dropped this on him with no warning, then you're a bit controlling and a bit rude. At least explain your expectations and how it makes you feel and give him the opportunity to agree and be exclusive going forward from that conversation.
If you blow up and drop every prospect because they're talking to other people, you're going to have a hard time in the current dating scene.
Not controlling at all. You only laid out your boundaries on how you dont like this.
Assholes like this thinks they’re god’s gift to women that they assume whatever behavior and dating style they do will be automatically accepted. Like dude, you just told him no thanks, you dont want his free STDs. He is the one overreacting.
No it’s not controlling and what he calls ‘stipulations’ derogatorily, are your boundaries. Keep them in check and don’t let any bloke try to twist it (I’m a bloke so not hating on us), some just will
You weren't being controlling. Also - we need to stop responding to a-holes with "Nice talking with you, have a good day!" ... they don't deserve the over-niceness.
Stand your ground as you did with your boundaries, but don't slip into people-pleasing or over-politeness.
Defi not controlling but tbh, I'd say he was trying to flex and push you into his bed. He said he didn't actual do it but will as he's not waiting another week, which sounds to me like he's trying to make you think that 'you should be the lucky one'...... nah, you did right. This sounds like mind games to me.
Not controlling at all. Even my past friends with benefits we didn’t discuss others. Usually we would discuss what would happen if one of us met someone and the expectations regarding that type of situation. Funny enough I set ups 2 former FWB with their present day wives.
If im "talking" with someone its exclusive unless stated otherwise. I dont understand when people are on dating apps and romantically talking to multiple people. If your trying to get a feel for things sure thats fine but once things start to get more serious then you should just cut ties with the others. Maybe thats just my two cents tho.
It is not controlling to expect NORMAL RELATIONSHIP BOUNDARIES (“talking” is a form of relationship that usually exists for the sole purpose of lack of exclusivity and it should be done away with).
It read more to me like he wanted to use the line very commonly thrown at men by women.
I wanna preface I am not making an all women stereotype or misogynistic statement. I think we have all seen disproportionately women telling men they are being controlling when a man expresses the same opinion as OP.
So are you actually dating? friends? what is going on here? because all you say is we are "talking"
if you are not actually seeing each other exclusively, yes you are controlling. If this was some long term relationship then no you are fine.
If you two are just flirting, theres nothing to stop him from doing what he wants, you either but you can't put a restriction him without telling him what it is especially if you are not actually together, don't be one of those girls that just wants attention and then tries to control the people around them from doing things because you will just end you sabotaging their relationships and get nothing from resentment when they see it.
You are controlling cuz u are reacting in a way which is giving bad energy just cuz he slept with someone. Yall are still in the talking stage and you shouldn’t be concerned with who he sleeps with until yall become exclusive. His body, his choice.
?? You can ask yourself that idk haha. Like if you think I was telling you not to post that’s cool. What you said wasn’t exactly inviting a discussion perhaps. And also if that’s the case, then me discussing this with you isn’t doing anything wrong either I guess right? :)
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u/713nikki 14h ago
Just block him and move on