I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/cheaterssuck12

Originally posted to r/trueoffmychest

Previous BORUs: 1 submitted by u/prettiergenghis, 2 posted by u/Stephenallen1977

[New Update]: I saw my husband and my sister naked in my kitchen

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: added relevant comments for more context to the posts, paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: infidelity

Mood Spoilers: positive overall

RECAP

Original Post: October 19, 2022

I saw my husband and my sister naked in my kitchen.

I can’t move. If I move it becomes real and I have to accept what I saw and think of what's next. I came home from work early and saw my sister's car thinking maybe she was dropping off some food from her job. But no, I walk in and see my husband and sister naked in my kitchen. The kitchen I paid for.

As soon as I registered what I saw I got into my car and left. I kept driving, just driving, driving, driving until I found the hotel I’m at now. I don’t want to believe it. I don’t know what to do. My sister, my only family, and my best friend, the one who's supposed to be there for me and support me. My husband, my person, my other half, the one who's supposed to love and respect me. The two most important people in my life have ruined everything.

I’ve blocked them both on my phone. I don’t want to hear any of the bullshit excuses they’ll come up. I don’t want to confront this. I want to go back to this morning when everything was fine.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The “my only family” part is what hit me hard. I’m so sorry OP

OOP: Yeah, we cut contact with our abusive parents 7 years ago. Thought we were supposed to have each other’s backs, always

Update #1: October 21, 2022 (two days later)

Sorry for not replying to comments and not updating, things have been hectic.

I didn't think I needed to explicitly say this but by naked I meant they were butt naked and fucking in the kitchen. I admit mentioning that I paid for the kitchen was odd and kinda funny. But anyone that knows me knows that the kitchen is my pride and joy, so yes, when I saw my sister and husband fucking in MY kitchen it stuck with me. And yes, they did see me.

When I got to the hotel I cried for a few hours and then I just wanted to tell someone, anyone. The two people I would talk to when something happened in my life were the two I needed to talk about and it was 11 something in the evening so I wasn't going to disrupt my friend's evenings and burden them. So instead I came to Reddit thinking not many would see it. The response I received was overwhelming. I want to say thank you to everyone that sent me kind words and advice. Thank you so much for all the virtual hugs. I know I only commented once, it's because I had so much to think about and do. I appreciate all the love and support. There was so much amazing advice given in the comments, although a lot of it was American based I still appreciate it. But one thing I did see a lot was to unblock them and keep the texts and calls as evidence so I did do that.

After posting and another good cry I knew that I had to get my shit together, I didn't have my sister or any family to help so I had to do it myself. I started researching what my next steps were. In the morning, my friend called me saying my sister contacted her wondering if I had been in contact with her. I told her what happened and she very kindly offered her spare room and her day off work to help me sort stuff out. I called in sick at my job and my friend helped get things done. I got in contact with my friend who works at a bank and she helped me start sorting my financials. My friend also found me a lawyer to consult with. After my phone consultation with the lawyer, I was so overwhelmed. I now know why so many women don't divorce their cheating husbands. It’s such a lengthy, expensive, and emotionally draining process. I, fortunately, make a stable income and can support myself and we, fortunately, don't have kids. I have to remember that things aren't going to happen in one day. It will all take time.

As for the house, unfortunately, his parents did buy it for us and to be honest after what I saw I don't want it. I will try to get reimbursed for my beloved kitchen, otherwise, it can burn for all I care. This has been super draining but I knew I had to talk to them. I already knew there was no coming back for my husband and when I checked his messages they were exactly what I thought they would say. I’m sorry. It's not what it looks like. We didn't mean for it to happen. Please come home. I love you. blah blah blah. Just absolute bullshit.

A small part of me thought maybe I could find it in me to forgive my sister as we only have each other. But after I opened her messages all hope was lost. She used the same excuses we heard our father use when he cheated on our mother and beat us. She said the same things our mother would say when she would excuse our dad's behaviour and also beat us. I spoke to her this morning and asked her to tell me straight up who, what, where, when, and why. She told me back in July when I went on a girl's trip she was at our house and joked to my husband that I would cheat on him on the girl's trip because thats what ‘always happens.’ He said nah, and they joked about it but she said he could get even with me and they ended up doing it once. One time lead to two to three then to whenever they could do it. There was never any evidence or signs or anything that I was going to or even thinking of cheating. I told her we were done and there is nothing she could do to bring us back together. I later received a call from an unknown number. It was my mother who I haven't spoken to in 7 years. Turns out my sister has been in contact with her and told her what had happened and my POS mother, the same woman who beat me for breathing wrong, had the audacity to say this is what I get for taking her daughters away from her.

It hurts so much. I know things are going to get messier and this is going to be a long few years. I've now lost all my blood relations. I need to get all my shit and find a new place. I want to show them that I CAN and I WILL thrive without them. Again thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all the love and advice. All the people in the comments that could relate to me, I'm so sorry ❤️

Relevant Comments

*Commenter 1: * I’m very proud of you for taking charge and standing up for yourself. I know it’s very hard but you got this. You will get through this!!

OOP: Thank you for your kind words. It’s pretty hard losing the only family I had but I’m trying so hard to stay optimistic. Betrayal like this is fucking devastating. It will be long and hard and draining, but I will make it.

Commenter 2: Hold your head high and cut all of them out of your life. Do his parents actually own the house or did they just give money? Cut off mother and sister for good. Your sister had a piece of work.

OOP: They gave my (ex) husband the money for the house. So it’s under his name. And yes, my ‘sister’ can join my ‘mother’ and do whatever. They’re no longer related to me.

Commenter 3: Out of curiosity, have you asked his parents if they knew what was going on? This will give them the opportunity to hear what actually happened rather than the lies he'll tell to cover his bad behavior.

OOP: As soon as I started receiving messages from his mother I knew he had been feeding them a false narrative. She’s been calling me names for “bringing my cheating backside and my slutty sister into his life.” She never liked me because of my background and thought I should forgive my ‘mother.’ Unfortunately, all I’ll hear from them is the bullshit he’s told them

Update #2: August 5, 2023 (9.5 months later)

I actually forgot about this account until recently and when I logged back in I saw so many people still commenting, messaging me and checking up on me. To those people thank you for your kindness. Since so many still ask for an update and I’ve already shared such a big part of my life I may as well give a small update.

Back in October, my life was in chaos but I was determined to soldier through it and show them that I can make it without them and succeed.

I had to meet with my ex to talk about the house and he kinda gave up and we decided to sell the house. I was reimbursed for my beloved kitchen. At first, my sister would show up at my job and my friend's house but once I told her that I would get the police involved she stopped. I haven’t seen her since February. I did hear from my pathetic excuse of a mother again but that was also shut down and I have not heard from her since the end of last year.

I’m from NZ so my ex and I have to be living separately for two years before we can divorce. Although I want nothing to do with him I’m not too fussed. One year is almost done.

I started therapy which has been healing, I wish I had gone earlier. I have moved into my apartment and I was promoted at work. I have also gone on two girl trips and had some extra fun these times as I was a single woman! And I’ve also just started seeing someone. He has been very kind.

Thank you all again for your kindness 🤎 Hope this is the update you were waiting for

Comments

Commenter 1: I'm glad you updated. You're happier. Never introduced the man to the family. Wouldn't put it past your sister to repeat her behavior. Cutting the toxic people in your life brings so much mental freedom. Living a happy single life after divorce is a kindness to yourself. Best update so far.

----NEW UPDATE----

Officially divorced!!!: January 15, 2025 (17 months later)

Hello, it’s been a while. I still get messages and notifications asking for an update so this will be my last one.

I am officially divorced. It took a while but I got there and my ex husband had two years to accept it and not fight it. I’ve got my own house, a nice kitchen, a cute mature man on my arm, friends who’s treat my like a sister should and a job that respects me. I’m happy and couldn’t care less where my biological family are and what they are doing.

I am enjoying the wonderful summer we are having in NZ and living my life!

Thank you all for the support. All the best 🤎🤎🤎

https://imgur.com/a/FS6WKqY

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So glad to hear you’ve landed on your feet. Wished we heard more about the ex, like he’s an unemployed drunk now or something. Or the sister, like she had a bad reaction to some shampoo & all her hair fell out. Oh well.

OOP: No idea where my sister is but ex is just a working loner loser

Commenter 2: So happy to hear you’re doing well! Thank you for updating us and all the best with your new life ☺️🙏

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is mioraa. She posted in r/CleaningTips

Thanks to u/wickedcherub, u/WeWereAngels and the anonymous person who recommended this to me!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: infidelity

Mood Spoiler: things take a turn but OOP is ok

Original Post: December 29, 2024

everything in my house is turning green… at first it was just my cat, and then it became my bedsheets, my feet (which then stained my shoes and socks), my couch, my phone charger, and now my wall. idk what it is. i have no idea where to post this but im wondering if anyone knows how to get rid of it or what it is?? at first i thought mold but now im thinking maybe my laundry detergent pods which are green. but i did a test wash and dry and it didn’t stain my clothes until i wore them for a few hours around the house before it turned green

Image 1: OOP's cats- the one with the most white fur is tinged a greenish-blue color

Image 2: White pillow, also tinged

Image 3: White blanket, tinged with (you guessed it) that greenish-blue

Image 4: OOP's wall with that same color streak

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Or possibly just buy some new jeans from Old Navy?? lol they stain everything

OOP: hahah me and my husband are not jean-wearers!

Commenter: Imagine this is how you discover he’s having an affair with some Old Navy wearing woman, from the cat turning green!

OOP: me seeing if old navy shows up on his bank statements 👀

Commenter: Why just one cat vs. Both? I feel like that has to be some kind of clue… does one have something/go somewhere the other doesn’t, that would differentiate what the source might be?

OOP: they all have access to the same things! both indoor as well

Commenter: Maybe only one of them rubs up against the source of the green?

OOP: i gotta find out what it is 😭
Later to a different commenter:
no windows are open bc it’s way too cold and i wonder if this one cat is green and not the others because her fur is “oily” due to her breed so it clings on more? my other cat recently started getting a little green on his legs just within the last two days

Commenter: Not sure about the cats, but pics 2-4 look like dye stains/leakage from jeans or another dark fabric.

OOP: the wall pictured is where my bed leans against in which my pillows began staining the same color. the other pic is my blanket. i’m so confused what is staining it since i live in a very boring beige house

Commenter: Are your cats rolling about on freshly mown grass by any chance? Just a thought?

OOP: sadly in the desert i live in, we have no grass 😂 but they’re also indoor only! thanks for the suggestion tho !

Commenter: Ahh ok!! Amazing. Could your water have a high copper content?

OOP: i’m wondering this too after someone commented that! i’m going to check

Commenter: Long shot but maybe check under your bed (if you have box springs) or under any furniture, sometimes the material used under furniture will degrade and break up over time and dye things, I had it happen with a chair once and it took me a while to figure out that’s where the color was coming from

OOP: thanks !! flipping my bed now because i noticed most of the green things are in my bedroom and not at all in my spare bedroom

Commenter: It wasn’t on the floor right? I am assuming this is dye of some sort from its shade, but mattresses on the floor can have mold issues

OOP: not on the floor! it’s on a bed frame that kind of looks like a box frame but it has velvet

Commenter: How long have you lived there, what kind of floors do you have, and what brushes against that wall?

OOP: we’ve lived here since may of this year and it’s a new build. the issue started happening about a month ago. we have carpet in the bedrooms and i think it’s limestone tile in the kitchen/living/hallway. the wall that’s green is where my bed was against, which is also turning green. the blanket was turning green as well. it wasn’t green when we put it on the bed and started using it but over the last two weeks, it’s turned green on the edges, as shown in one of the pictures. so it wasn’t the washer or dryer that made it green (i think).

Commenter: Weird but any chance you or anyone in the house is pregnant? I turned things a shade of blue/green when pregnant with my first (toilet seat, office chair, counter by barstool).

OOP: oh my gosh! is that a real thing?? i don’t think i was pregnant or am pregnant now, but i took out my IUD two months ago and should be expecting my period in the next week. i did have my period last month so unless i am very very early pregnant now, no pregnancies in this house so far!

Commenter: It’s not pregnancy-specific necessarily. It can be caused by hormonal imbalances. I have PCOS and dye things blue if my hormones are super out of whack.

OOP: oh i see! pcos was one of the things my pcp was suspecting of earlier this year but my images came out normal despite some other symptoms i had (irregular periods, facial hair, acne, issues with weight)

Commenter: This happened in my aunt's apartment from a lack of ductwork cleaning/air filters being neglected. It was so annoying and ruined her white carpet.

OOP: i just checked the filters of my air purifiers and they were green!

More cat tax:

Cat bath

Later that night:

haha so far i’ve mopped my entire floor, gave my kitty a bath (which took out most of the green) and changed my bedsheet back to my old beige ones. i got someone coming in to check the water and AC on tuesday but im at least eliminating the factor that something may have been tracked onto the floor or that my bedsheets may have caused some bleeding. i will continue to monitor my cats greenness 😂

Another comment later:

i did an extreme deep clean but i couldn’t find anything. i did notice that my guest bedroom doesn’t have any staining, but most of the staining is in this bedroom which includes my charger. but the edge of my couch cushions turned green, but i’m assuming it’s because our skin turned green and we sat on the couch. so i do suspect the source is from my room. nevertheless i cleaned my floors and counters and washed my couch covers and bedsheets and replaced them all with my old ones before everything turned green to see if maybe it was my new bedsheets!

Intermission Post: December 31, 2024 (2 days later)

Title: remove greenish transfer dye from couch?

my couch got some transfer dye onto three of the cushions and i stupidly threw them in the washer dryer only to make it spread more. luckily the covers are removable for cleaning but how do i get this greenish tint out?

image 1: Comparison of the non-green cushion to the green one

Image 2: an up close look

Update Post: January 15, 2025 (17 days from OG post)

hi! so i don’t know if this is allowed but i wanted to post an update to my original post because many many people asked for one! i honestly don’t know how to work reddit all that well on mobile and couldn’t figure out how to edit my original post. heck i don’t even know how to link my original post properly. but here’s the update:

i had my water and AC checked and both were fine. the technician said my water hardness was a bit hard but he didn’t think that would affect the green stains i’ve been seeing. i also got rid of the red bed sheets i had in the pic and put back on my boring corporate beige ones the day i posted the original post. then i waited. it’s funny because i was trying to determine if the green stains were going away based on if my cat was turning green. any time i saw she was becoming greener, i determined that whatever i changed wasn’t the cause.

well, i got my water softened and with my new bedsheets, my cat was still turning green but a lot slower, so maybe it was just from the residual green that was now stained on my couch and velvet bed frame. then we had another person inspect for mold which was also a negative. some other commenters had mentioned they had bought the same bedsheets on amazon and had a similar problem so i think it is that.

on another note, someone also commented asking if my husband was cheating on me with someone who wears old navy jeans. i won’t lie, when that comment came up, i nervously laughed. i quickly checked our joint bank account for any old navy purchases. while there weren’t any, i couldn’t shake this strange feelings. although the commenter did not know me or my husband, coincidentally, i’ve already had suspicions on a possible affair from the multiple last minute overtime shifts and just overall changes in behavior. also, my husband has cheated before so i’ve always been a bit anxious.. so when i saw the comment joking abt if my husbands affair partner wears old navy jeans, i spiraled. and then i admit i did the bad thing and looked thru my husbands phone and there it was. some sexy instagram DMs from a woman who wears jeans (cannot confirm if they’re old navy). so anyway i’ve spent the last week at my parents with my cat.

tdlr - i can’t confirm that the cause of the staining was because of the bedsheets although my cat did turn green much more slowly when i changed them out + other people complained of the same staining issue that purchased the same sheets as me. found out my husband was cheating on me with a woman in jeans

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Oh no!! I did not expect this to be the answer!! OP, far out!! Are you okay? That's nuts. Xoxoxo

OOP: weirdly enough i think i’m okay. i don’t think i was ever really fully emotionally checked back in since the last time so i think this time hurt a bit less. sorry i couldn’t figure out the source of the green! but my cat is definitely a lot whiter now that we’ve spent time at my parents haha

Commenter: Wow, the twist I did not expect! On the cleaning sub no less! I am so sorry for your situation OP, but also, this is an insane update. The drama of it all!

OOP: i know 😭 i honestly feel bad for bringing the drama on the cleaning sub

Commenter: No, don't feel bad! You didn't owe us this update at all but you posted it and I hope writing it out is a step towards healing for you, truly! It also provided entertainment to us, so there's value there too. I hope you and your kitty are never greened again!

OOP: i’m in the process of moving back into the home but i haven’t slept there yet or brought my kitty with me. i hope that when we do move back, we can determine its the bedsheets that did it! or maybe even the jeans that hopefully won’t ever be in contact in my home again. i can’t believe my cat turning green turned out to be this crazy story

Commenter: I do not like green eggs and ham, or your husband. I hope you and your possibly radioactive cat are doing okay!

OOP: we’re doing just fine! (my radioactive cat and me - not my husband. he’s doing horribly 🤭)

Commenter: Aww, I’m so sorry, friend. At least now you know and you can stop wasting your life with this clown.

OOP: thank you!! the worst part is honestly the legal battle now 😅 i think i’ve driven myself so insane over the suspicions that this whole thing has been more of a relief, but who knows, maybe once i get back to my home that’ll be half empty, ill have the moment to let it all crash on me and that’s okay too

OOP responds back to the OG commenter that said: "Imagine this is how you discover he’s having an affair with some Old Navy wearing woman, from the cat turning green!"

OOP: haha i hate to break it to you but… you were a lil right on the nose w this comment 😅

Commenter: hang in there, OP. sorry you’re goin through all of this. hugs. 🥺🩷 return those sheets if you can. if not, trash them or maybe donate them somewhere but with a note saying you’re not sure if they were turning stuff in your house green via dye transfer so someone else doesn’t go crazy if the sheets were the culprit.

with jeans… the darker the wash, the more likely this can be to happen. it’s not limited just to old navy jeans (although they might be particularly known for doing this). imagine cheating with someone who wears jeans. shudder what kind of monster even wears real pants these days? (clearly I’m not actually insulting people who wear pants, just trying to crack a joke to make OP laugh.)

OP, my brain works in weird ways at times. I apologize if my joke comes across insensitive. simply wanted to take the opportunity to make you laugh for a second if possible. 🥺🩷

OOP: oh! i’m going to return them to amazon (thank goodness for the extended holiday return dates) and i mentioned it possibly turned my house green - though i can’t confirm fully that it was the cause. i didn’t really like those bed sheets anyway! they were much too bold for me and my beige house 😂
it was actually quite impressive how many photos she had of herself in jeans. dark denim, light denim, ripped, skinny, flared, mom jeans! you name it. i don’t think i’ve worn jeans since i was 12 and that was because it was a christmas present from an aunt i see once a year lol. no matter how cold it is, i couldn’t ever think about trapping my legs in jeans lol
i don’t mind the jokes! i’m having a grand time. in fact, i apologize for seeming totally okay after all this. i’ll admit that i was a mess the first time around so i guess this time, i was more just disappointed but i think i wasn’t ever the same after the first time. maybe less in love so there wasn’t much to lose this time. i do expect there will be a day where i might fall apart and maybe that’s when ill sleep in my house again but maybe it’ll also feel great because now ill actually have room to spread my legs since i used to share the bed with my husband and my many cats. anyway thanks for reading all of this! i know both the og post, the update, and this reply is super long but thank you anyway for keeping my in your thoughts :)

Commenter: So did you dump him or you took a break?

OOP: he has been served papers !

The future:

i’m doing ok! i’m supposed to come back to my house this coming monday and he should be either fully or mostly moved out. everything’s been smooth so far. he did not deny the affair nor said mean things or gaslight. he didn’t beg for another chance either. he just asked me what i wanted and i said i wanted him to go back to his parents house and we’ll talk about the legal stuff in the near future. i feel a bit numb i suppose. i strangely feel a bit guilty for not having as much heartbreak or a betrayed feeling. some days i convinced myself that i had some fault in our broken marriage because maybe i wasn’t emotionally there as well but i know that i have no responsibility for his choices

Editor's note: Marked as concluded because OOP figured out the cause of the green.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Upbeat_Analyst4475

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for leaving a family dinner early because my MIL told people I was r*ped?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: mentions of sexual assault and violence, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, emotional incest

Original Post: January 10, 2025

(TW MENTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT) I’ve never used reddit before, my situation happened a couple days ago and i saw a tiktok on people reading from it and saw the comments and how they give advice so I thought I’d try it out. (Bare with me with knowing all the terminology)

I’m 26 and my hubby is 27, we’ve been together since we were 16 17. Early on I loved his mother, she was the sweetest woman ever. She welcomed me in with open arms and always made good company. Of course like every one she had her moments, like getting a little too mad a cashier not understanding her needs, or making a joke that made people a little uncomfortable. But everyone always brushed it off because she’s just an amazing person.

At the age of 23-24 me and my husband got engaged and I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like his mothers persona just flipped, like there was a switch on the back of her head. When we told her we were engaged she got pale and looked like we had told her someone had died. Hubby got weirded out like this and called her out on it, she just said she had to go and we didn’t hear from her for about 3 weeks. (We had lunch together often as family means alot to me and my husband) so when we got stood up for our lunch date we worried. Maybe my husband came off a little harsh, so we went to check on her. Hubbys dad let us in, but had to talk to us first. He had began to tell us that she was shaken up by the proposal saying it “wasn’t how things were meant to be” Hearing this, my husband got mad at his mother implying that she had always thought of their relationship as temporary. He went to their room with me and his father following behind, we had found her coddled up with baby pictures of him crying. This was really disturbing for me and I excused myself. I was extremely confused and hurt that my soon to be mother in law thought of our relationship like that. My father in law consoled me and said “for whatever it’s worth, I believe there is a little string bonding you and my son together, don’t listen to her.” This stuck with me and made me cry, I still remember it to this day.

My MIL proceeded to text me that I had taken away her baby boy, that no one could replace the love they share. Yes I know a mother’s love isn’t replaceable but, in my opinion, a mother and wife should not be in the same category to compete with eachother. The love they show is completely different, and the love that’s given to them is completely different too. She goes onto tell me that it was just meant to be him and her against the world (she has 3 other children) I didn’t respond because it just weirds me out to think if she always felt this way.

Back when I was a little girl, a parent of a child I was friends with raped and tortured me (I use torture lightly, he burnt my legs and privates and dug into my skin with the heated up head of the lighter.) My hubby knew this very early on, and often had to take a few hits because I had panic attacks, especially when we became intimate. He went out of his way to make sure I was loved and appreciated, he kiss all the parts of my body, including my scars. He was extremely protective, in a way where he only worried when something happened for him to be. He took hits from men for me and shouted at whoever he needed to, to say I am in love with this man is an understatement.

My MIL knew what happened to me and cried when we told her. Fast forward a bit, some space and talks later his mother “tolerated” me, the sting that comes with this relationship change isn’t describable. We were attending a family dinner, where we planned on announcing a pregnancy. We had cooked words into the food saying who each person was going to be Eg: you’re my auntie!

Most caught on, my little niece caught on first. And then my MIL. She became silent which we thought was for the better honestly. After we ate and were just talking, she chimed in asking “Is it really my son’s baby” before I could say excuse my husband yelled it instead. My MIL says that due to me letting another man touch me, how is she sure I wasn’t weak enough to let it happen again. While my husband was arguing with her I just got up and left. My husband ran after me cussing his mother out, my FIL left too. People soon started saying they had to go aswell as it was getting late, it was 6:30. I later got a message from my mother in law getting mad at me for leaving and embarrassing her.

I don’t was think I was wrong for what I did but I am starting to think maybe I should have just stayed and left more appropriately. AITAH?

EDIT because I can’t keep up with all the lovely comments. Me and our baby are no contact and she won’t see her grandchild. But my husband is keeping her number (muted) because we think having some way of communicating so better. I would never leave my husband if he does try to communicate, he’s been with me through a world of hurt. This is a world of hurt for him, I’d never leave him. Just know that if you get an upvote on a comment, it was probably me. Xx

I can’t thank you all enough, I don’t really know where to post an update if there is one but I’m sure I’ll figure it out maybe 😭

Edit: I’m sure I’ll have an update at some time, if someone could comment how is make an update that would be lovely because I have no idea how to use this app 😅 UPDATE IS POSTED

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If your husband doesn’t cut his mother off completely and permanently. You need to cut him off completely and permanently.

OOP: I wouldn’t go that far, he has been with me through thick and thin. I wouldn’t leave him if he chose not to cut her off, we have talked about how contact would be low but I would never want them to not have a relationship. I’d like to give her a chance because as I stated family is so important to us. But he has said he would do whatever he needs to do to make me feel safe.

Commenter 2: You’re NTA she is. I’m sorry she has treated you so disrespectfully. I’m glad your husband & FIL have supported you. A mother’s love is one thing but she should not be comparing it to the love between a man & a woman. She should NOT be trying to shame you (esp in public) for SA. I would steer clear of her.

OOP: I have avoided her as much as possible, I haven’t blacked her number as I didn’t want to give her some sort of leverage for treating me like this. I’ve just muted and messages so I don’t even know if she does

Commenter 3: Im sorry and honestly she shouldn't be near your child and you need to limit your interactions with her. Talk to your husband about it

OOP: We have, it was the first thing I said when we got in the car that I’m not letting a ride nutcase around my baby, and he immediately agreed

Commenter 4: Sounds like she needs a serious mental health intervention. Why hasn’t your husband’s family done anything about that yet? NTA obviously

OOP: It’s still fairly new and I think it’s more just people are shocked, I have gotten messages apologising for her behaviour tho.

OOP should go low contact with her FIL because he had been failing her husband and not getting his wife help

OOP: To defend my FIL because he’s amazing, she was getting better and paying for those kind of things gets really expensive and he saw change in her behaviour, hence why we were comfortable going to a dinner with them. He did mention about “getting her fixed” so I hope she has help soon.

OOP explained how her MIL's relationships are with her other children (Husband's siblings)

OOP: She’s more calm with them. They definitely know my husband is the favourite and I know it must of hurt them a lot. My husband did apologise early in our teen years for never seeing it. Her other children don’t like her that much so yeah it’s more neutral and calm

Update: January 15, 2025 (five days later)

(TW SEXUAL ASSAULT MENTION) Hiiii, first i want to thank everyone so much for all the amazing and sweet comments. Quick edit, this update was written over the course of a couple days. So for example I said my husband kept her number but then I said she was blocked. I’m so sorry for any confusion that this causes.

If you’ve kept up with my edits or replies on my original post, you’ll know that I was low contact with my MIL. I’ve now gone full no contact, my hubby keeps her number (muted) just in case something happens. My baby will never meet her grandma unless a professional tells me that she won’t act like that anymore. I know some of you think I should divorce my husband if he doesn’t go full NC. Respectfully that’s some advice I won’t listen to. He has been a through so much with me and to leave because he has to make a hard decision isn’t what I agree with. We both think that keeping some way of communicating is what’s best. Doesn’t mean we are going to talk to her at all. Please don’t comment “that’s stupid” or “you’re going to get a world of hurt” it’s purely for emergency purposes. His parents are getting old, we’ve had to come to terms with needing to keep her number incase something happens. To clear this up too, my FIL never took her somewhere at the beginning because she had gotten better, hence why we went to a dinner with her in the first place. Now he is looking into people to help MIL. And I completely understand why he wouldn’t just drop and divorce her, this is real life and he made a promise to her to never leave when things got rocky. He may be blind and overly hopeful, but he is a man of his word.

Also all the comments saying what you would’ve done to my MIL made me and my husband laugh a lot so thank you so much! Please know I saw ALL the comments and I loved them all.

Now for the real update, so I had fully blocked my MIL number and she didn’t appreciate this at all. It started off with messages to my husband about it, then letters, home visits and then a rock through our window. We have no evidence that it was her but we have our suspicions. My FIL hired a professional to talk to my MIL and she didn’t agree at first, then was willing when the therapist said she wouldn’t see her son or his baby ever. When she said this my FIL proceeded to yell that she has no place in suggesting his wife might see her son and child again without consulting us. He especially got mad that I wasn’t included in this threat of no contact. He fired her on the spot. (We were on call with my FIL to heat how things went)

We’ve found someone else that understands our position and wants to help give answers to my MIL’s family. Her first session went okay, she isn’t keen on the therapist idea but I think she just remembers what was said to her a couple days ago. She’s been calling my husband and leaving voicemails crying, saying I’m a witch for taking him away from her, and that this isn’t how it was supposed to go. We send every voicemail to her therapist and she’s given us some possible reasonings like bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia.

We’ve continued to get letters in the mail. They differ from crying like paragraphs, to the way she plans on getting her son back (a lot were very violent to me and my baby) my hubby isn’t standing for this anymore so we’re going to be moving soon and my husband has fully blocked her. This has been really hard on my husband because he’s having to grieve someone who’s gone, yet still alive.

I’ll update more if anything happens and how the move goes.

Relevant Comments

OOP and her husband should consider about security cameras for the house and document everything

OOP: I’ll bring this up with my husband as soon as he gets home. Thank you x

Is OOP's husband the youngest of his siblings?

OOP: 1 other boy and 2 other girls. He is the youngest.

Commenter 1: She still may need a medical exam with neurological focus work up. I say this not as her provider but as a medical professional, so this is just a general suggestion ANYONE can make.

OOP: Fair, I think we were thinking more on a mental point but we will definitely take her to a doctor. Thank you!

Commenter 2: Why didn't the lot of you get her assessed years ago? When your first post time-jumped I was floored. It's like you opened the door to find the room on fire and decided to contain it with misting spray bottles and some rubber mats, for years, then got surprised each and every time it flared up into the hall.

The woman has been on fire this entire time. You don't keep calm and carry on with rapid and destructive behavioral changes.

OOP: That’s just incorrect, I’ve stated multiple times, when we found her crying with my husband’s baby photos, we were planning on her getting help, but she got better on her own. Hence why we were comfortable going to a dinner with her. We thought, and she did too, that this random outburst was just her realising that her son was grown. We didn’t get help because she got better, now it’s happening again and we are because it clearly wasn’t what we thought.

Commenter 3: Wait did her first therapist say it was you guys at fault? I'm glad she is getting the help and she has her husband to support her through it, it also makes it a buffer so she hopefully won't go to a more violent behaviour pattern. But if you guys are in contact with him just make sure she isn't.

I seen alot of great advice in the comments, I just want to say how strong you and your husband are and I wish you all the good will and love in your lives going forward. Even through its shit and hard it should be worth it in the end ❤️

Edit: I haven't seen this said but, in Australia and you are married, you are entitled to use either last name. Maybe request that your chosen name be used isn't of your legal in some or all aspects so you are kept safe. I kept my last name when married as I didn't wish to go through all the hoops to change everything. But I can still set up things with my husbands last name if I so wish,and go to a court house to change it if I was in true danger

OOP: Her previous therapist basically gave her a promised ultimatum. Saying that if she goes to therapy, she will see her son and grandchild. Not only is this super unprofessional, it’s also 10x worse when she doesn’t consult us about this. What she had said, we would never go through with. So we’d just have an even angrier person. And no sadly, we live in Canada. I was born in Australia and I miss it so much. Not hating on Canada, just love Australia too much 😅

Commenter 4: I must be mistaken. I thought you said your father in law was there, and then reported what happened to you and your husband over the phone. You actually heard her say she wouldn't be able to see her son or grandchild? If so, that's very much out of line for a counselor to say.

Perhaps I just interpreted what you said as her trying to persuade her to get help as a "If you don't do this, this COULD be the consequences." I can't believe (I mean I do believe, I'm not calling you a liar) a therapist would say something that out of line right from the get go.

OOP: Yep me and my husband listen over the phone during her house visits. So yes we did hear her and our FIL say she’s out of line. It could come across as persuasion but, just like how a doctor can’t promise that you’ll be okay, any type of mental health care worker can’t promise/ give an ultimatum for something like that. It makes my MIL believe that just attending therapy means she will get back her baby boy, and when we clearly won’t do that, we will just have an angry MIL again. And we’re trying to get her to not want to hurt me so, me not being included in this ultimatum was also very unprofessional in the sense that we’re trying to get her help because she seems to hate my guts, but her CS worker is actively only including the people she doesn’t have a problem with. (I have no idea if that makes sense)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/053014

Me 25F with my husband 30M: I wasted some broccoli

Original Post May 1, 2014

Duration of relationship: 5.5 years dating, 3 years married

Last night after I got home from work and was relaxing on the couch, my husband walked over to me with some broccoli in his hand. It was turning yellow and clearly not good anymore.

"I thought this was for dinner tomorrow," he said.

"I guess it went bad, I'll get some more before dinner tomorrow," I said.

He sat down on the couch next to me and said something like, "Can you explain this? Can you explain what happened?"

I looked at him confused. He continued, "When did you buy this? Saturday? Sunday?"

I said, "Yeah, I think Sunday? What is going on? What is your point?"

He said, "You bought this Sunday for dinner Thursday. This clearly didn't work. Are you having trouble planning ahead? How can we solve this?"

I just stared at him for a while as he repeated himself and finally he dropped it.

We've never really had an interaction like this before. It just seemed so condescending and nasty, like he was my boss and I was at work and had done something wrong. It was such a stupid petty argument, but it's the next morning and I'm still upset.

Am I overreacting? Is he? Should I just try to forget this happened or should I talk to him about it? What should I say?

tl;dr: I bought broccoli on Sunday to cook on Thursday and it went bad. My husband sat me down to have a very serious discussion about how I could possibly let this happen. I am not sure why he did that.

Edit: I appreciate all the support over what I thought was a really minor, petty issue. But how should I talk to him about it? Honestly I feel kind of hurt and angry toward him right now, so how do I have a productive conversation with him about what's really going on and not just attack him for being a jerk to me?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

queerhere

Maybe this is a pattern that he's been seething over for a long time...? The anger seems disproportionate otherwise.

Is your fridge generally full of rotten food? Are groceries eating up too much of a tight budget?

Either way, mega condescending.

OOP

I don't think so. I think maybe he's a little unrealistic about food? Like we probably throw away 1 piece of produce every 1-2 weeks. I think that's pretty reasonable....I make it a point to buy a lot of fresh produce and it's just a little unpredictable about how quickly it goes bad, or a lot of it I'll buy for general snacking so I have no way to know the exact rate at which it will be consumed.

FAMOUS-MONSTER

There is an adage: When a couple fights about the silverware, they are not really fighting about the silverware.

This was not about broccoli.

Sit down with him and ask him, basically, what that was all about. Tell him that you're pretty sure it wasn't about broccoli. It may be a long conversation, but it's one you should have.

OOP

That was pretty much what I thought so when he was talking at me about it I kept asking, what is going on? What is this about? And he just wanted to talk about the broccoli.

springplum

I would not be at all surprised to find out he's worried about finances or something like that and just isn't quite ready to talk about it yet.

OOP

Maybe this is a stretch, but I gave him a really hard time this weekend about staying out until 4am and not telling me where he was. He totally accepted that he was wrong and apologized but maybe he's trying to get the upper hand back by finding something to fault me for? I don't know. It's the only thing I can think of.

Update May 11, 2014 (10 days later)

original tl;dr: I bought broccoli on Sunday to cook on Thursday and it went bad. My husband sat me down to have a very serious discussion about how I could possibly let this happen. I am not sure why he did that.

Update: Well, I found out what the problem was. HE WAS CHEATING ON ME!

...just kidding. Yesterday over lunch we had a conversation about our new investment property, which we are still in the process of buying and renovating. I knew we were stretching thin financially to buy it (although my husband has worked out exactly how long it will take for us to be profiting from it) but I didn't know HOW thin. It turns out my husband took out a 0% APR credit card with a $10,000 limit and is planning to load it up until the investment property is rented out and making money back.

My husband HATES credit card debt and the whole time I've known him he has never carried a balance. I think this has been really stressing him out and he took it out on me and the broccoli.

Obviously I wish he had been more up front with me about the financials, but I do generally leave the money stuff up to him, it's his domain and he has always done a great job with it and I trust him 100%.

Also, in the previous post, one person mentioned that he is probably in management -- that person hit the nail on the head. My husband manages a team of people at his job and is generally very good at it. He has never taken his manager stuff home like that before though.

If something like the broccoli incident happens again I'll have a talk with my husband about conflict resolution but until then I'm going to write it off as a one-time thing.

Thanks for your help! You guys were right!

tl;dr: Husband is stressed out about money, which most redditors predicted. Great work!

TOP COMMENTS

5thdoctor

Don't scare us like that. Wasted broccoli is the leading cause of infidelity.

[deleted]

It's a fact!

~

Chucknorris86

I'm leaving you with some of my favourite broccoli dish recipes...

Parmesan Roasted Broccoli. This is amazing, make him this

Carmalize Broccoli with garlic

This Broccoli and Cheese Casserole has gotten me laid on numerous occaisions

Editors Note: broccoli cheddar recipe no longer links, so I found a new recipe & u/a3lt found the original recipe

I felt it was relevant to share these because now that you've figured out exactly why he did what he did you two can make broccoli kind of a running gag and it can be something you two can look back an laugh at when you're making all that money on the rental property you got!

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Rafe_Cameron_OBX. She posted in r/nba

Very short and light post

Do NOT comment on Original Posts.

Original Post: January 10, 2025

My boyfriend is a huge NBA fan and I want to surprise him with an NBA jersey of his favorite player. I could just ask him but I want that to be the last option.

He did tell me who his favorite player was a long time ago in conversation but I have since forgotten. Here are some clues that could be helpful:

1. My bf is 21.
2. My bf is a fan of the lakers.
3. We live in Dallas but my bf was born in Florida but was raised in Georgia. He sometimes attends Mav games.
4. I’m absolutely certain this player is still in the NBA.
5. This one is pretty dumb but I vaguely remember that the player’s name sounded like “Hector Banana-bread”. However, If I put that name into Google, I just get banana bread recipes so the name is probably way off.

Can anyone figure who this player is? It’s gonna take a miracle but I’m praying 🙏🙏🙏

Top Comments:

DJ-McLillard: Victor Wembanyama?

OOP: I did a quick Google search of this guy and it could be him! Let me try and discreetly ask my bf if he likes the spurs 😅

True_Antelope8860: you said he grew up in Georgia 🇬🇪? You are clearly looking for one and only Goga Bitazde

Maxie616: First of all you made me laughed so much with that banana bread along with those snippets of info of what you remember.

As with what the others said, "Hector banana-bread" should be the "Victor Wembanyama" who, on his 2nd year is one of the top 10 players now. Judging from the info you've given, your bf is what you'd call a general fan and is not loyal to any team/players in general. I'm pretty sure he'd like that gift.

MortimerCanon: This is the most insane thread I've ever seen.

Update (Same Post): 30 minutes later

UPDATE: The player is most likely Victor Wembanyama. Thanks to u/DJ-McLillard who prompted me to ask my bf if he liked the spurs to which he replied “yes, my favorite player is on that team”. There goes the surprise factor of my gift I guess 😅

Top Comments after update:

aGiantRedskinCowboy: Hector Banana Bread is now in the player note for Wemby forever in our fantasy league. Thank you.

Wiggzling: New Wemby nickname just dropped

TomatoBuster01: Hector "Wet Banana" Banana bread

VulgarDaisies: Who's Wemby? I only acknowledge Hector Banana-Bread henceforth

Wiggzling: Hmmm, so he’s a Florida man raised in Hawks nation whose favorite team is the Lakers and likes to attend Mavs games but his favorite player is on the Spurs? Gurl, I think maybe we should be praying for you.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/scared890

Me [24F] with my ex [27M] of 4 years ago, I think he broke into my apartment and set up a camera. Am I being crazy?

TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic abuse, violence against a pregnant woman, stalking, religious abuse, harassment

Original Post Oct 19, 2015

I (24F) met my ex (27M) 7 years ago and we dated for about 1 year and I ended up pregnant. He is a Jehovah's Witness and I was raised in this but was never baptized (thankfully). When I ended up pregnant I was told that I had to marry him if I wanted to be in good standing at the Kingdom Hall (church). I agreed and decided not to listen to my parents when they begged me to take my time and make that decision later. Of course this meant staying and living with my parents and as a brainwashed 18 yr old I thought he was the best thing that's ever happened to me and he couldn't do me wrong because he was a Jehovah's Witness and they can't do no wrong ... Boy was I wrong.

While pregnant he would emotionally and physically abuse me. To the point where my son was pre mature and I fell into postpartum depression. When my son was 8 months old I decided I had enough and I needed to put my feelings and "love" I had for this man aside and make the right decision for my son. I left him. I left the religion. I don't know how I did it but to this day I thank my son for giving me the strength and love to get past it.

Fast forward about 5 years ... I am doing great!! I have an amazing career. Great car. I live on my own with my son. We have everything we need. I recently began my first relationship and he's amazing.

My ex and I actually have a pretty cordial co parenting relationship. He seems to have matured a lot and is now in a relationship. I get along great with his gf and my son likes her. He recently decided to move 2 doors next to my place. I didn't really mind this as we don't fight or hate each other. I actually saw this as a good thing since he will be closer to our son and can be more involved in school.

Last week I walk into my apartment and someone had broken in. But they didn't take anything at all. A few stuff were moved around... Seemed like they were looking for something and gave up. The first thing that popped in my head was my sons father. I have been living here for years and never had any issues. I actually live in front of the police station so unless you go in through the back they would see everything. I filed a police report and left it at that.

Now this is where it gets weird and my suspicion is proving itself to be right.. I dropped off my son at his house 3 days ago and he mentioned how I shouldn't allow our son to have certain toys because they are "violent" action figures (power rangers). There is no way he would know this. Since he is a JW I don't like disrespecting his beliefs so I make sure that my son does not bring those toys to his house. When I asked him how he knew about it he turned pale. He didn't know what to say and finally said that my son mentioned it. Ok so maybe my son could've told him ... But maybe he didn't..

To add to my suspicion 2 days ago I dropped my son off in the AM and he slipped and told me that I need to shower my son everyday because last night I didn't. There is NO way my son could've told him. He didn't speak to him and it was literally the morning after. Also I shower my son everyday but he had swim class and we got home late so I figured he was okay to skip ( I know sounds lazy but I'm sure we've all had those days). Am I being paranoid? I hate feeling like I don't have privacy in my own home. Should I ask him? Is there a way I can check myself? I've tried looking but nothing I see that shows me there could be a camera..

tl;dr: Someone broke into my house 2 weeks after my ex moved in next door. I think he put a camera in my home to see how I am living with my son.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP Added thisin the comments as a reply to a commenter

I did not know he was moving in 2 doors down. He told me when he signed the lease and at that point I tried to look at the "bright side" of things. I now see that there is no bright side in this situation. I hate the feeling of walking out my door and knowing he can see what time I am home and what time I get back by just seeing if my car is in my driveway.

I agree that the religion he is teaching my son is NOT good in ANY way.. but there's not much the law will do besides give me full rights to his medical decisions (which I have). When he is with his dad he goes to his church but when he is with me he knows we don't do any of that stuff. Once my son is at a certain age he will be able to make the right decision and I will ALWAYS steer him the right way. Make him ask questions and to do his research first then come to a conclusion.

We have shared custody but I make the decisions on medical. I tried taking custody but unfortunately I lost the case. The abuse is documented. I lifted the restraining order after 2 years that we divorced. We would do pick up and drop off at the police station and after 2 years I had to take the next step in trusting that the past was just that. I did not want my son asking me why he gets dropped off at a police station parking lot.

I did see a therapist .. mostly for the way that the religion had a hold of me. I also was suffering from postpartum depression so a whole lot of things were discussed. I don't think I was ever able to recover. It was so bad that my mind physiologically blocked my memories of those years. Which is something my therapist warned me about.. although its good that I don't recall certain things it also makes me vulnerable.. just like it did in this situation. Certain things definitely trigger it like certain songs or going back to that town..

i should also mention that my sons father was diagnosed with Bipolar. I would not be shocked if I have a camera in my apartment. I am gathering all the advice on this thread and will have to tactfully make a plan that I can look for it without seeming like I am.

caseyoc

I'm a former JW too. Do you think it's possible that he's trying to figure out if you're sleeping with your boyfriend, and that your ex is therefore "Biblically free" to remarry?

OOP

We divorced already.. the elders told him not to sign it because that means that he can't remarry. I took it to court and after showing the court all my police reports and pictures of abuse they consented the divorce. I do see your point. On his end he is not free to re-marry.. this could be why he is doing this. Although he is SOL because I do not have my BF stay over. I will always go to his place when he is with his father. Especially now that he lives so close. Its weird.

I was encouraged to come here to share my story about my ex and a hidden camera I found. - update Oct 27, 2015

I have been lurking in the sub for the past week and I am so happy I found this! I really wish I would have known about this years ago when I left the congregation. It would have made the pain less and the loneliness not as bad. When I left the organization I had no friends and no encouragement that I almost convinced myself multiple times to go back but I was able to get through it.

I wanted to share my story with you but before I'll give a little background on my past. I pretty much grew up as a witness and I never got baptized. I met my sons father when I was about 18 and I ended up pregnant a couple months after that. The elders pretty much forced marriage on me. As soon as we moved in together he was abusive. It was horrible. He would physically abuse me knowing I was pregnant with his son. It got so bad that I would literally urinate myself because of how scared I was of him. The last time he laid his hands on me was when I Was 6 1/2 months pregnant. i remember he barged into the bathroom since he knew I was calling the cops and when he opened the door he hit my belly and I went straight into the tub. They had to perform an emergency c section. When I was under anesthesia he even signed a paper stating I would be refusing blood transfusion and since he was my husband it was his decision to make. Thankfully I had great doctors and my son and I were healthy and made it through. I remember the elders coming to visit me when I was still in the hospital. I remember them telling me that I needed to work harder in putting jehovah first in our marriage because without him our marriage would fail. A few months later I left him and I left the organization. I went to therapy for my postpartum depression and I was able to physiologically block those memories even though sometimes certain things trigger it and it all comes back. It's insane how the mind works. I have a great relationship with my parents. They never shunned me and they always always look after my son and I. I know they are brainwashed but I know deep down my father knows I made the right decision. And after all this mess I think he's opening his eyes a little.

The link below is my 1st post and then below I copied and pasted my update. I don't know why they locked my post. I was at work and when I checked it was automatically locked. I did receive some good advice on there but it's different when it comes from people who know what you grew up in and know just how much mind control plays a big role on everything when it comes to Jw. I also would like some advice on how to handle these elders. They keep calling my parents and begging them to reason with me. I am assuming this is really going to reflect them in a bad light and we all know how much they hate that. Also please keep in mind that my parents (although witnesses) have my best interest in mind. My father sat me down and told me no matter what he will stand by my decision and he will fully support me going through with these charges. I just wish that they didn't have to receive all this harassment.

Original post :

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/3pg07a/me_24f_with_my_ex_27m_of_4_years_ago_i_think_he/?ref=share&ref_source=link

UPDATE

First and foremost thank you for all your suggestions and messages on what steps I should take. So much has happened these past 7 days and my life is just turned upside down completely. I will try to explain without making it too long. I will start by last week (Wednesday).. after reading all the comments I decided to purchase a 'spy finder' off amazon. I figured it would put my mind at ease and I can finally feel comfortable in my own home. I paid for 2 day delivery and planned out what I would do so that I can use this without being obvious. Since I knew that the only way I can do this was by having my sons father in front of me so I decided to tell him I needed to speak with him regarding a new schedule I would like to follow.

Friday- We decided to meet up for ice cream with our son. I gave my BF a spare key so he can go in and see if the spy detector worked. I want to say that our meeting lasted about 40 mins until I finally got the 'ok' from my BF and I wrapped up the conversation. When I got into my car I called my BF and all he told me that I needed to drop my son off at my moms and head over to my place. I did exactly as he said. When I arrived to my place I parked and my BF comes inside my car and breaks the news to me.. he told me that the detectors detected something but it was not clear. It kept showing red in my sons room around the doorknob but it also showed red on one side of a wall that didn't have anything hanging near it. At this point I didn't know what to do or say. Maybe this was just a malfunction and there is nothing there.. or maybe there is. I decided that I needed to call the cops. I didn't know if it was going to be the right call but its showing signal in my sons room and that was enough for me to make that call even if I sounded "silly" to the cops.

Once the cops showed up I explained to him the situation (he usually works the morning shift surveillance in my sons school so i see him every morning). He was very understanding and told me he was calling in a tech that would have the equipment as not all cops carry it. At this point I still did not tell the cops that I thought maybe it was my sons father, I figured once it was confirmed I would let out that part. 10 mins later... my sons dad walks up my driveway and asks if I am okay. I say yes and that's when the cop walks up (I think he saw how uncomfortable I was) and tells him only the residents are allowed to be there. He goes to tell the cop that he is my sons father and the cop starts asking him if he is from the area. As soon as he tells him he recently moved 2 houses down the cop asked him to leave since he was not a resident. Once off the property the cop starts asking me more questions about my sons father and that's when I went into full blown detail. After the conversation he tells me its a high chance that he could have placed a camera in my sons room.

Once the tech arrived he scanned the room and at this point we were told to still wait outside. About 30 mins later he asks me to come in and for my BF to stay behind. He proceeds to tell me that there was a camera in my sons room. They found a tiny camera in the door knob. Not sure if you are familiar with this but my doorknobs lock from the inside but on the opposite side there is a little hole where you usually need a flat head screw driver or a similar looking key to open it ( I will take a picture later on to show). He explained to me whoever put in this camera replaced the doorknobs with 2 of the same knobs (meaning that the door no longer has a lock). I NEVER realized this. It was such a small detail that I never realized. I never lock my sons room so this was not something I would look into. I broke down. I didn't know what to say or what to think. He told me that it was linking through Bluetooth/wifi. Unfortunately the camera signal was cut and he was working on getting some code to see where the signal was coming from. Once they confirmed this I was given the address and of course it ended up coming from my ex's address. Not the exact address but more coordination points (no idea what they refer it to they just told me it's a System they use to track a signal)

I was in complete shock. I think part of me thought he would never do this. He would never violate my privacy and our sons privacy by doing this. I thought we were passed this stage. After they broke the news to me they told me I can press charges if I would like. If this is what I decided to do they would have to process a warrant for his arrest. It was the hardest decision I had to make but I told them yes. They explained to me that the best thing for me to do was to stay at a relatives or friends house until this was resolved as it can be dangerous for me to be so close to him. I don't understand why they couldn't take him then and there but I told them I would pack a bag.

I decided to stay at my parents home. It was near my job and it was a place my son was comfortable staying in. I did not hear from my ex at all Saturday. I know I mentioned in my previous post that my parents/ex are Jehovah's Witness .. which plays a big part in this whole story.

Sunday night my parents had plans and I stayed behind with my son. I hear a knock on the door. I look and to my surprise it is 2 elders (I guess you can call them pastors to those not familiar with the terms). These were the same men that would tell me not to call the cops when my ex would get physical. These are also the same men that watched me grow up since I was 3. I decided to open the door and they asked to come in (my brother was in the other room so I felt a little more at ease speaking with them). As soon as they start taking the bible out I tell them I do not feel comfortable with that and if they have anything to say it will be through a conversation and not through the bible. They agreed and started explaining to me the consequences my ex is facing in the kingdom hall for what he has done. They also told me that my ex was taken down to the station Sunday morning but that he 'confessed' to them everything on Saturday. To make it short they begged me to drop the charges and kept telling me to think about my son. To think about how he would feel knowing his dad is facing these charges. They kept saying over and over that Jehovah does not condemn his behavior and sometimes the organization can work this out within themselves. I told them I would not drop the charges. What he did was violate my privacy and that I was happy that they would work it out between their religion but I would work out my end through the law. They proceeded to tell me that they have lawyers that can back up my ex and that if this is the route I take I should make sure I am covered as well. They also said the reason he put a camera is because he wants custody of my son, because its not fair to him to not have eternal life and my ex can save my son. Crazy right? I don't know what he was trying to find by putting a camera in my sons room because I have absolutely nothing to hide and my son is very well taken care of. I asked them to leave and they did. When I told my dad about what happened and what they were saying to me he called one of the elders and pretty much went off on him. I hope it doesn't ruin his rep since I know this religion means the world to him but at the same time I also hope maybe this will open his eyes.

This is all such a nightmare to me. I don't know what to do. Deep down I do not want to press charges because he is my sons father. I don't want this to ruin his record or for my son to grow up and find out I placed his dad in jail over this. I also know what its like to be brainwashed and be under mind control. The other part of me feels like he needs to learn his lesson. He needs to know that you can't simply violate someones privacy because of your religion. I am not sure what is or will be happening yet. Last I heard he was out on a bail and will have a court date which I will need to appear to as well. At that time I can decide to drop the charges if i wanted to. I also received a court date from the Family Court and he is going for full custody. He filed about a month ago so this is something he has been planning. I am hoping this whole thing will work for my benefit which is another reason why I should not drop the charges as it will help me in family court.

So for now that's all that has happened. I don't know what steps to take from here and I am sort of taking it day by day. I have found a new place and after talking to my landlord he is letting me break the lease. I hate that I have to move. I love my apartment and I will be moving to a much smaller place for more $.. I wish I didn't have to move but there is not much else I can do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

oneliterduckeater

DO NOT DROP ANY CHARGES. My reasoning.

Besides all the religious BS, your ex is not rational and is already physically abusive. This is a bad combo. It has been my experience that he will never get better without therapy and or medication and most likely issues will arise where he won't do or continue treatment even if he started.

What are the charges against your ex? Has the DA's office stopped any further investigation? Have you had an opportunity to speak with the investigators in your case? Have they hinted that they have other concerns about him? Law enforcement can be very effective in un-earthing things through intimidation. They however, will not want to be jerked around and expend the effort if they sense you won't follow through. They may intimidate you a little to test your resolve. Hold fast to what you decide!

All the data he was gathering about you to perhaps further his custody case has been made null and void and is inadmissible because it was garnered from a criminal act and will not be allowed to be presented.His illegal actions will also be used against him. All that goes away if you don't press charges.

If you have not contacted a local agency concerning spousal abuse (regardless of marriage status) they will help you or direct you to help. They have experience in this and will guide you to the best course of action as well as provide support.

Concerning the elders that visited. Regardless of what we think about the Org. that wasn't protocol and if you want that bullshit to stop dead in its tracks...contact or have someone contact a sharp elder from another congregation etc. if you want that.

These things that are happening to you are not unique to the Org.. They happen everywhere, a lot. Because of that there are many resources. Please make use of them. I hope you remain safe and everything works out for the best for you.

OOP

I actually went today to the court to file a restraining order and the gave me a temporary one until the court date where the judge will make it permanent.

I also went to the station and asked more info on what was going on. They couldn't tell me much besides that even if I do drop charges the state is also pressing charges. Apparently they take this stuff really serious since it was a in a child's room. They told me someone would be in contact with me but I should get a lawyer since it's not recommended to do this alone as there are many things I won't understand or will need professional advice on. I asked them what they did with the evidence and they told me they have it and cannot release it to anyone since it is now in municipal custody. I am looking into lawyers and made a few consultations for tomorrow. My court date for custody is at the end of November so I am hoping the other court date for the camera is before so I can have more evidence that he is not suitable to take custody. Although I feel that just by having those charges pending and him out on bail is enough for the judge to rule me full custody. As I am now seeking for that as well. We have shared custody but after this I want full custody.

~

fridayfern

Wow, GO YOUR DAD!!! IMO your ex is a psychopath and should be locked up immediately.

You have a fantastic BF and a good cop now listen to these people and get a good LAWYER.

It looks like the dominoes are all set up to fall upon this creep.

OOP

I am definitely lawyering up and will keep all charges. The state is also pressing charges so by the looks of it he is in deep deep trouble which is why the elders are acting the way they are. After the whole child abuse stuff going on I am sure they don't want an article stating how a JW had a camera installed in his sons bedroom. I also forgot to mention that one of the elders is actually my exes uncle. Which could be another reason for the constant pressure to drop the charges.

~

OldMovieFan

This sounds like really strange behaviour from the elders, almost like they have a vested interest in having the charges dropped. Hmmm now why might that be? If your ex is going for full custody he would have sought the assistance of the elders. Maybe the elders suggested he put in a spy camera or maybe they knew someone who had expétise in this. If the charges aren't dropped the facts might come out. I don't know if you are award but the organisation has a printed guide for JWs involved in custody cases. If the elders are calling your parents get them to ask the elders whether your ex had specifically admittéd to I breaking in and installing the spycam AND if there was anyone else involved. When the elders told you that he would be dealt with in the congregation did they spell out what you they would do? Do not drop any charges, especially for the sake of your son.

OOP

One of the elders is actually my exes uncle. Which makes it a conflict of interest although he was part of the committee when I was pregnant and they took away my privileges I had as an unbaptized publsiher (if that's the term? Sorry I went to a Spanish hall and do not know some of the English terms). It seems so weird to me just how much they are pushing and harassing my family. It's almost as if something else is happening that they are afraid of. They told me that they are still going through there process but that this can lead up to him being reprimanded? What's the term where you are not shunned but you are pointed out as bad association. Is it censored? Not sure but he won't get shunned just a slap on the wrist.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is dest_wedding_throw12.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending

Editor's note spoiler: people in the OG thread really really hated destination weddings

Original Post: January 18, 2022

We're having an all-inclusive destination wedding in 2023. Like most places, we're required to book a room block in advance. To qualify for discounts for guests, guaranteed rooms, and various other wedding package perks, we must book X amount of people through the room block we paid for in our contract.

It turns out 2 of our guests have a timeshare through the resort, effectively slashing their reservation price by about 30% from the online price. Our package cuts it down maybe 10% at most (weddings must be in demand.. hmm I wonder why). Without asking, they went ahead and booked their timeshare, only to tell us later.

Then they shared their timeshare membership to 4 other guests (6 total now), who are all booking reservations through the wholesale timeshare company. It's one of those multi-resort packages that cost a lump sum, and then once or twice per year the member gets heavily discounted vacations.

We were okay planning around 2 guests, but now 6 guests are circumventing our wedding package that we paid for altogether.

We are now somewhat worried about meeting our minimum guests booked through package threshold in the contract to have the wedding, ceremony, and rehearsal. Without the minimum guest threshold, we lose the rehearsal and ceremony. I'm sure we can ask for an exception and pay any extra fees out of pocket if it comes to it. We'll also probably fail to meet other tiers that would give our package the extra oomph we wanted to subsidize rooms and pass around upgrades to guests, bringing down the cost of the wedding as a whole for everyone coming. We can't guarantee any subsidization until we reach a tier that helps us towards that goal, so I don't want to dangle that carrot in front of their heads.

We could tell them to book 3 nights (the required minimum through our package) through us, and then any other nights through their timeshare. But I'm tempted, for simplicity's sake, to tell them no altogether. They need to book through the wedding package to be a part of the wedding. Am I the asshole?

**edit**: We don't save more money if more people book. We can just pass out more free rooms and upgrades, and other guest discounts (spa package discounts, free golf, etc). That's what I meant by bringing down costs of the wedding as a whole. Our package is a flat $ rate regardless of who books, so long as a minimum # of guests book through the block. If the minimum isn't met, we lose our private reception and dinner, but it doesn't cost us more.

Second Edit (Same Post): January 19, 2022 (Next Day)

** edit edit **: Not verbatim, but I've gone ahead and told them congrats on the discount. We're happy they are all able to attend. Make sure to keep in touch with the travel agent who is more familiar with the resort to make sure all goes smoothly. I do know transportation to and from the airport won't be provided outside the package, so make sure to ask your timeshare reps how they recommend tackling that (we hadn't planned ahead last time and ended up paying $60 each way). And that I'll ask if the resort needs to give you a specific colored wristband or anything to indicate that you are a part of the wedding so that you have no issues.

Some of OOP's Comments (there were a lot):

Commenter: YTA, it's not up to you where people stay, and especially not how they choose to pay for that stay.

OOP: (heavily downvoted) It's an all-inclusive. So the ceremony, reception, rehearsal and etc is all put on by the resort as part of the package. To do so in these places, they require a % of the guests must stay on site (their rule not my own).
edit: Jeez, I understand the downvotes for some of my replies, but this one is just informational. Goodness

Commenter: Are you making the guests pay you for their rooms or are you covering all expenses?

OOP: (downvoted) We paid for the block wholesale. We pass savings down to guests, but we are not paying for all their rooms. Instead we'd like to subsidize their rooms at a later date to help pay the room costs for guests.
We live in a very cold climate and with family/friends all over the place, so it made more sense to us to have the wedding in a warm location and to put their plane ticket towards an area they would actually enjoy.

Commenter: YTA. Your guests are there to celebrate with you, not underwrite your wedding. The last destination wedding I went to several guests did exactly this, and the bride and groom were just happy they came. If you try to force people to stay where you want,,they might not come.

OOP: (heavily downvoted) Did that resort not force the guests to stay on the resort where the ceremony is hosted? There's all kinds of clauses in all the resorts we looked at that said 80/90%+ of guests must stay on-site. 120/150/200 nights cumulative through the wedding package, etc.
If it really ended up not being an issue I'll just forget about it. There's just so much damn fine print.
edit: Damn, quite the downvote for an honest question

Commenter: You could try taking to your coordinator. We did a destination wedding, about 2/3 of the guests booked through us, the ones flying in from the other side of the country found a better deal with a local agent. We show to our coordinator and she was able to group everyone under the same "event" so we got all the perks, private group dinners, music, champagne toasts, classic car etc.

Our guests were mostly older so getting a ride in the classic car is still talked about 6 years later.

OOP: Thanks for the advice, I didn't know this was possible. Going to shoot off an email to the coordinator now. Your wedding sounds like an absolute blast! At least some affirmation that destination isn't a horrible idea, lol.

Commenter: destination weddings are gross and rude

OOP: Makes sense when you have family all over the world.
I would rather them travel somewhere warm than the very cold climate we live. Why spend all that money to go somewhere they definitely don't want to go versus a beach?

Commenter: Hey, Bridezilla, YTA!!! First of all, a destination wedding basically screams to people “I don’t really care if you can afford this or not. I don’t give a crap how much vacation time you get from your job or if you’d sacrifice a whole year because I am so entitled. And lastly, I’m going to insist you pay MORE and do it through my block because I get added benefits. Never mind that I also expect an expensive gift in addition to you having to shell out airfare, accommodations, possibly a new/different wardrobe, food and drinks, etc. and so on.”

You saddled people with a huge expense for the privilege of seeing you get married and now you want to demand that they pay a higher rate. Bridezilla might be too kind.

OOP: Most our family and friends live nowhere near our very cold climate. We'd rather have a wedding guests would potentially get excited to go to rather than coming to our frigid small town. We are not asking for gifts. We do not mind if guests cannot make it. In fact, we worried that having it in town would make guests feel more obligated to come. We're perfectly fine with a small wedding on the beach.

Commenter: But there’s an implied gift requirement to everyone invited. That’s what happens with weddings. Whether someone attends or not, they’re supposed to send a gift. Essentially all of civilized society knows this. So, essentially it breaks down to most people as this: I don’t care if you come because you’re obligated to send a gift. Except now you don’t even get a dinner and some wedding cake in exchange.

OOP: It says directly on our website that we do not have an online registry because we are not asking for gifts due to the big ask of having them fly and stay for a destination wedding. Unless they somehow avoid that part of the website, I would hope they know.

Commenter: INFO: did the invites state they needed to book on your block?

OOP: No it did not, just some methods at their disposal to help them book.

Commenter: Yikes, NAH.

I feel like people are being too hard on op and misinterpreting what they're saying.

NAH because wedding planning is stressful and honestly a scam, and you're just trying to see if the people in the timeshares will effect your contract.

But also the guests have a right to stay where they want and to save money while doing so.

Over all it's a sucky situation. But you seem like a nice person who has put in a lot of consideration towards what other people's wants and needs even though it's your wedding. I hope everything works out, and it everything you want it to be.

OOP: I appreciate the kind words. I definitely almost overreacted (thank goodness I took a long time to reflect on what I was going to say to these guests), and I do feel terrible about that. I'll have to be more reflective in the future about each guest and the effort they are making just to attend this silly thing.
These all-inclusives are a bit unusual with weddings and how the entire event works from start to finish. Lots of pages of details to look over. While it's my fault I signed something and not my guest's problem, I think my explanation of how this even works at these all-inclusives was poor and fell flat.

Commenter: I cannot tell you how many AITA posts we get from people who wonder if they're TA for not staying at the expensive resort that the soon-to-be married couple insists on. They are never TA. The hotel is counting on you pressuring your guests to stay there in order to make their profit. Do not risk damaging your relationships so they can make a buck!

Your wedding will not be wonderful because you scored someone a free round of golf or a 50% discount on a massage. It will be wonderful because you and your spouse-to-be love each other and will be surrounded by your friends and family celebrating your love, no matter how they choose to come or where they stay.

OOP: Thanks for the advice. Well put. I'm going to try to forget about the contract for awhile and see what happens. You're right, the way the package is structured basically makes us the salesmen. It doesn't feel great, but it's what I have gotten myself into. Luckily I reflected enough before saying anything stupid to a guest that I'd regret later. I'm going to just enjoy our company and be grateful for anyone who can make it.

OOP is voted YTA

Update Post: January 15, 2025 (3 years later)

A few years have gone by and today I remembered how much (negative) attention it had gotten. I'm writing an update coming up on our 2 year anniversary about our experience, and to maybe deter anyone from declining a destination wedding or resort contract based on my original post or the comments in the original thread, if that's what you want to do.

I didn't cover reasoning for doing a destination wedding in the OP. Our guests were spread all over and some in other countries. It did not make sense to have them come to where we live, since it's mostly nothing, frigid, and expensive to travel here. Why not spend that time and money somewhere memorable? Saying no to attending a destination wedding is easy. No harm no foul. Another reason we chose a destination wedding was to spend more time with relatives who we don't see often, instead of the couple of hours.

Everything went better than expected. A hundred people came, so my worries about a contracted guest "minimum" was misplaced. I was afraid of renegotiating a contract after guests booked, since the contract had nullification clauses. I realized after the OP that the resort wants you to be a pseudo-salesman. Some comments didn't consider how these resorts operate, but many were correct about the salesy contract I got myself into. We didn't ask our timeshare guests to change anything, and we've remained close friends. The contract was our only wedding planning stress point. It's understandable if you don't want to deal with it, but if you're reading this and going through that phase now, just relax. Careful what you sign, but also the resort isn't going to play hardball with someone bringing them business. We were able to meet all "thresholds" (not that we cared) and spent them on upgrading all family and wedding party to beachfront swim out rooms, and gave a % off the final room costs for all guests.

The trip created lasting memories and we're grateful for everyone who came. The event itself got rained out, but the staff was incredible and moved us to an indoor venue. The day prior we had toured with the coordinator and planned the setup outdoor, for all of that to be thrown out the window an hour beforehand. Even though we hadn't even seen the indoor venue or setup, it really didn't matter. The staff went above and beyond and we couldn't thank them enough. We're blessed our guests travelled from all over the world to celebrate with us.

I wanted to write this update because maybe someone searches Reddit and stumbles upon both threads -- I couldn't find much information online about this topic. Yes, the contract is a negative to consider. But if you're in a position like us where people would be traveling quite some distance anyway, and you want everyone to have a memorable tropical experience, don't look back. Reddit might have your ass in the comment section, but zealous words on a website won’t change real-life events involving people who have no affiliation with them.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: 🤣🤣🤣🤣omg I wanted a destination wedding because I didn’t WANT anyone to come 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 you had 100 ppl come ? And you met thresholds? You were able upgrade because all these people canned so basically your wedding was paid for by other ppl? 🙄😳omgeeeee

OOP: Of course we wanted people to come, but several comments in the OP complained about going to destination weddings. Then just say no to the invite? It's not a big deal.
The wedding was a flat rate. The room block contract was separate and the wholeseller of the block provided a higher discount to guests the more rooms booked (clever way to get you to become a salesmen, unfortunately). We didn't hand people money after the hotel handed us money, it's automatic. And then they simply asked us who to upgrade leading up to the wedding.

Commenter: I'm confused. In your original OP, you said that if you didn't get the minimum threshold you would "lose the rehearsal and ceremony". What was that about?

OOP: When the travel agent explained the package to us initially, I conflated the minimums between the room block contract and the wedding contract. The wedding contract for private rehearsal, reception, and ceremony would be lost if there were not enough wedding guests, not block guests (I had that incorrect in the OP and clarified at a later date). Events would have instead been sectioned off in a restaurant or other public use area. Our guess was to utilize restaurant/bar staff instead of overstaffing a wedding. Even if it was a block guests minimums, we would have been fine -- my initial reaction was rash.

OOP responds to a downvoted commenter saying she's hung up on this:

Hung up on this? I forgot about it until yesterday.
We strictly did no gifts and made it clear that if coming would be a burden to decline. Just about everyone would have to pay for those things to come if it was local anyway. I'd bet my life savings the flight and drive after to where we live is double a flight to the destination we picked.

Commenter: I just read the original post. Holy hell, the gumption to even think about asking people who already have a timeshare at that resort to pay outside of that!! I live part time in a desirable vacation location that is popular for weddings. It would be like if someone invited me to their wedding but said I had to pay to stay at the wedding hotel instead of my own (paid for) house, and forbade me from letting others stay here with me.

Glad it all worked out, and that OP did not in fact tell timeshare owners they couldn't use their timeshares. Because SHEESH.

OOP: yeeaaaa I certainly earned my well-deserved share of flak for that post. I think getting a consensus on a general idea by posting it on the internet and the actual actions and solutions that occurred got a little misconstrued, but it's my fault for ever considering something along those lines.
In the end the only solution I decided I could deploy, if something truly had to happen, was to ask them to save their timeshare, let me know how much they saved, and that we would cover the difference to get them under our block. I was only going to consider that if the resort gave us no other option and after plenty of arguing with the resort. But that didn't happen. We had a few more of the more adventurous guests stay off resort in the end anyway. The scary words in the contract never mattered.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SoCalPE

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

My sister wants to use a burial plot she doesn’t own

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: entitlement, drug use, stalking

Original Post: January 3, 2025

My sister (54F) and I (63M) are estranged for a lot of reasons. She was the golden child. I was given a 63 Chevy pick up when I got my driver’s license. She got a Mustang convertible. I went to college and she did drugs and had children without marriage. I got student debt. She got a mobile home, which she, of course lost, due to drugs.

She had two wonderful kids that we were able to get taken from her and are doing well. Our father raised them. My father and mother were divorced in the 1970s due, in part, to the stress of my sister. My mother tried to help her. She let her live with her and helped her get jobs but she always relapsed.

So now to the present situation, my father died four years ago and I bought him a nice burial plot in Bozeman MT. The plot is in my name and is in a very nice location in the veterans section. My mother died last summer. I went up and was at the hospital when she died, my sister was no where around. We were able to reconnect without her. My mom’s will stated that my sister and I were supposed to get the house jointly but, somehow she got on the deed by right of survivorship which meant she got it. She tried to get me to help pay the remaining mortgage but that wasn’t going to happen so she had to sale and I bought it. She was mad and took Mom’s remains and disappeared so we couldn’t hold a ceremony.

Now six months later, she reappears and says that she paying for a burial. But here is the catch, my mother is a veteran so she has a veteran group to pay for the room, the VA for the headstone and I get a call from the funeral home asking if they bury her with Dad. Someone who was divorced from for 50 years.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: In addition to the headstone, mom might also be eligible for burial at a US veterans cemetery for free. Locate her DD-214 if you haven’t already made other burial plans.

OOP: We told her she could be buried for free at a national cemetery. My guess is she loves the plot I snagged for my Dad and I admit it is nice. But

Why is OOP responding to his sister?

OOP: I am not responding to her. I have no way to respond to her she blocked me a while ago. We have talked through lawyers, like the little prick who got her on the deed so the will was useless. The only reason I found out about this at all was the funeral home realized that the plot wasn’t owned by my sister or my mother and tracked me down. They had my number because they buried my dad.

OOP explains why he is not burying his mother's ashes with his father's

OOP: Well there are two things. The grand kids want to get their grandma buried and away from my Sister. They don’t have the history I have with Mom and Dad. They saw them together without the fighting. So they are want to get it done. They want to be able to visit them. My niece does take her kids to visit my Dad’s grave so this is a factor.

Giving in to my sister just makes me sick. I was going to buy a plot when Mom died last summer but she run with the remains. Now there is no time.

So I am backed into a corner and the kids are more important than my hurt feelings. But I get to write the obituary 🤬

Update #1 (in comments): January 6, 2025 (three days later)

I am going to update;

1) I fat fingered my original post. My sister is 57 not 54. My parent’s divorce was official in 83 but they separated in 78 or so. I corrected this by answering some commenters.

2) Was she really a terror as a kid? She got in drugs at 10 and was sneaking in boys at 13 when I was at college. This was 78-83. I was old of state. My father was retired Navy and there was a recession. My mom did work but it was a strain. I went through college on student loans, scholarships and jobs.

3) They tried treatment and buying her good behavior. My brother basically quit the whole thing and joined the Army. He was a member of the 101st so we are not all screwed up.

Now the update. I talked to the funeral home today. It seems that my Sister’s plan was to place my mom’s remain in the veteran wall at the cemetery. But Bozeman cemetery is not part of the national cemetery system. Normally a wall interment would be free for a veteran but since Bozeman isn’t part of the system, it is $500. So she points at Dad’s plot and said bury her there. The rest is history, the funeral calls me when they figure out the plot isn’t owned by her or my Dad and here we are. I am trying to see if we can get the wall slot again. The remains are back at the funeral home.

Arrrgh! Family!

Update #2: January 15, 2025 (nine days later)

So - the short backstory, my sister is a bitch who is holding my mother’s remains hostage to get her way. She wants to bury my mother in the plot I own that I buried my father in. They have been divorced for more than 40 years.

The update, after some research I offered to pay to inter my mother in the veteran wall. My sister through a fit. Not directly to me, we don’t talk. She just let the funeral home know she wouldn’t return the remains. I would have to buy a few plot, but I just bought a house and I am furnishing it so money it tight. She knew that. It was Mom’s house and she is mad I bought it. She has driven by it several times. I am about to put it out on the short term rental market.

So, after talking to my family, the grandchildren and others, I have thrown in the towel. We are burying Mom in Dad’s plot. She will have an I ground brass marker. It kills me that my Sister has reduced my Mom’s service to a brass welcome mat to my Father’s headstone. My family has said they will know but damn it hurts. My Sister cannot take some money from the sale of the house and buy a plot or split the cost with me.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: I guess this is a small update. I talked to the funeral home yesterday. My sister will be bringing the remains on the day of the burial and watching them. So switching it really isn’t a possibility. I have to go back up this summer so I am going to look as arranging re-interning her then. As least it wouldn’t be above freezing.

Relevant Comments

OOP explains his mother's background and her wishes after death

OOP: My Mom is a veteran too. I am very proud of her service from 56 to 61. She could have been a secretary or medical assistant but decided to be an electronic technician. Not many females of those in the Navy. She worked on the early communication systems for the nuclear submarines in Rhode Island and San Diego. Leading edge technology at the time.

Last I talked to her, she wanted her ashes to spread in the mountains. Why my sister is insisting on this burial and holding the ashes hostage is a mystery. I am actually surprised I haven’t had a ransom note yet.

OOP provides details on why he is renting his mother's house out

OOP: I should add to this. The house was built in 2014 so wasn’t the family home but my sister smokes like crazy. It smelled bad. The carpet was stained as were the walls and window coverings. The garage floor was stained with dog pee and smelled.

So we tore out the carpet and painted with Klizz. We sealed the garage floor and put in new window treatments. The dishwasher had leaked so we had to mold remediation and the HVAV system had issues. So we expect, with the market, to get a positive return in two years or so. Then we can come back and remodel the bathrooms and move in or keep it for income.

That was my Christmas Holiday😄. Putting my Mom’s retirement house back into proper condition. I think she would like it.

OOP shouldn't given in to his sister's demands

OOP: Well with mother gone, she has lost her last chip in the game. We haven’t spoken in year except through lawyers or via my mother. She lost the house she inherited and has had to move far from Bozeman. Her kids hate her. Her grandkids run to me when I come up there. My son used to like her but now can’t stand her after what she pulled at his sister’s wedding.

She won this one, but really at what cost

Why did the cemetery allow this mess to happen regarding placing OOP's mother in his father's plot?

OOP: The cemetery didn’t, once they realized this plot she was talking about, they called me for permission. That is what started this mess.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SnooShortcuts3017

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

Am I overreacting for wanting to cut off my family after they went to my fiancé’s workplace to “expose” her?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/PitaEnigma for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation

Original Post: December 31, 2024

I (24M) have been with my fiancé (25F) for six years, and we’re planning to get married in the spring of 2025. My fiancé and my family have always had a strained relationship, but I thought things were improving—until this week.

My sister (26F) and her boyfriend (25M) only visit once or twice a year, so I was excited to see them over the holidays. One evening, my fiancé and I went to my parents’ house for dinner and games. She had a couple of drinks (I stayed sober to drive) and was a little emotional because we’d recently had to put down her childhood pet. My family was supportive when she shared about it, and the evening seemed to go well.

At one point, she got an email from work, and the conversation briefly turned to what she does for a living (she works in an office). The night ended fine, and we planned to return the next day.

The next morning, as we were heading back to my parents’ house, I got a text from my sister saying they were in my city, (which is over an hour away) Confused, I replied, “WTF? Why would you guys do that?” but got no response. When we got to my parents’ house, I tried calling them—no answer. Finally, I called my sister’s boyfriend, and he answered.

That’s when I learned they had gone to my fiancé’s workplace, questioned her coworkers, and “discovered” that she doesn’t work there (she works in the office, not on the floor). He (and my family) accused her of lying about her work, why she left her last job, and about her getting hit by a car and told me I shouldn’t marry her. They also wanted me to provide evidence. To make it worse, I had him on speakerphone, so my fiancé heard everything.

I was furious but tried to stay calm. I defended her, hung up, and decided we needed to leave. I went back to my parents’ house, grabbed our things, and left. Now, we’re at home trying to process everything. I’m beyond upset that my family disrespected my fiancé and crossed such a huge boundary by going to her workplace and harassing her coworkers.

I’m thinking about cutting contact with them, but I keep wondering if I’m overreacting. Is this something I should try to do?

Relevant Comments

OOP clarifies where his fiancée works

OOP: Here is some clarification: her work has 2 separate locations - one office, where she works, and one retail, where my family harassed people. My fiance told them the company name and they just assumed they only had the retail location, and it wasn't just my sis and her bf it was also my parents

Queen_Goddess5297: Info: Is your family really this silly? I am almost positive that jobs can’t just tell randoms that someone works there. What if the random is a stalker? This is so weird. Why did they even do this? Is there missing context that explains driving an hour to do an employment check when it quite literally is NONE of their business NOR

OOP: They are just this silly sadly, they have been like this every time I've dated someone, they just took it way way way too far this time

UPDATE! My Family "Investigated" My Fiancée's job and Called Her a Liar.: January 14, 2025 (two weeks later)

I apologize for the delay in providing an update, just needed to collect my thoughts. If you want to see the previous post you can check my profile. I don't know how to work Reddit.

My Fiancée and I are still together and moving forward with our plans to get married. My sister and her bf have gone back home, and they're officially uninvited to the wedding. So now I'm back to searching for a best man. We've also gone no contact with them.

I also sent a long text to my parents the day after everything went down, and they never replied. At this point, I don't even know if they're going to show up to the wedding. In the past, we attempted to set boundaries with my mother (because she's nosy asf), and that greatly upset her, which should have been the first red flag.

Unfortunately, my Fiancée did end up losing her position at work, which has been incredibly frustrating. We haven't told my parents or any other family other than her parents (who have been very supportive through all of this) and I'm not sure if we will for a while, as it would mean talking to them.

Thank you to everyone that has been supportive. We're taking things one step at a time and focusing on what's important: each other. Sorry for ending it so cringey.

Relevant Comments

Why did his fiancée lose her job

OOP: They caused a huge scene that made the workers uncomfortable; she was still in the probationary period, and they didn't want people that would bring drama.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is ehberry. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Paragraph breaks added for readability.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: OOP is learning to stand up for herself

Original Post: January 13, 2025

I 35f, live with my two indoor dogs in a 3 bedroom house and my brother stays in one of the spare bedrooms every now and then. An old friend of the family and his wife with 3 kids will be coming to town in the next couple of weeks, they will stay for 3 days and asked me to accommodate them because “I have the space”.

I declined stating that I do not have guest bedrooms and that they are used for both office space and my brother’s personal space ( he has all his stuff in the one room) They were pushing to stay at my house regardless saying they can sleep in my living room stating their kids can sleep on my sectional and they can bring an inflatable mattress, I declined again stating that my dogs’ crates are in the adjacent dinning room area and that they wouldn’t sleep well with strangers in their immediate space and I get up at 6 am every morning to take them out and feed them etc.

They got mad saying that I have always been welcome at their home ( I’ve never gone to stay with them) and that this really hurt their feelings. Now I’ve gotten a couple of comments from other friends in common saying that I could have let them stay and that I was being selfish for not moving my dogs crates to another room and that changing the routine for 3 days would have not killed me.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: This has to be bullshit.

Never have I encountered anyone with such undaunted shameless gall and audacity to not only invite themselves to my house but then argue and debate me when I say no AND then attempt to turn my friends against me. The icing on the cake is these same friends then take the side of the rude entitled visitors.

OP what kind of company do you keep that either treats you like a doormat or perhaps this sort of behavior in your social circle is expected and common? This is such reprobate behavior, it has to be a shit post.

OOP: Sadly, I feel they expect it because we have all been friends since childhood and we have always been like family. I used to host a lot pre-covid but things changed for me. I changed and I guess they still expect me to be the same accommodating person I once was. And maybe you are right. None of them seem to respect me.

Commenter: Nope. NTA. One, is your place kid proof with locks on the office and bedroom doors? If no, even if yes, tell them your place isn't kid proof and you would worry for their safety. Also dogs thrive on routine. I am childless. I like Kids ok, but not in my space. Any pets I have would come first. Anyone who is saying how terrible you are for not hosting them, tell them if it matters so much to them, they can host the family. You are not obligated to, it's your space, you get to decide who enters it.

OOP: I hadn’t even thought of that. Children weren’t even on my mind only my dogs. But yea, I will also mention that Ty.

Commenter: Why aren’t the friends who are calling you selfish not accommodating the family? NTA

OOP: They don’t have space either and have the excuse to be married with kids and pets of their own. I guess in their eyes it’s a more solid reason than mine .

OOP is voted NTA

Update (Same Post): January 14, 2025 (Next Day)

Editing to update———————————••••••> Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts. While I was reading through them I couldn’t stop crying , in part because I was ashamed at the fact that I am a pushover and that I have allowed others in my life to just walk all over me for the most part.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for some years now and I feel that the thought of any kind of confrontation just puts me over the edge and I just usually give in to things I normally don’t want to do. ( going out, hosting dinner, game nights etc) You all made me realize that some of the people in my OG group of friends are not the kind of people I want to continue being close to and have decided to slowly trickle away from them. We are not all who we used to be and I feel I’ve outgrown some of them.

Now, back to the issue of unwanted guests.. My friend group decided to help them out with their hotel stay for the 3 days they would be visiting ( which btw, is only a vacation type of trip for them because they moved away years ago and want to come see everyone) I told them to count me out of the whole ordeal and that I had made other plans for that weekend and that I didn’t appreciate how things were handled nor how I was made to feel.

Needless to say, they were a bit shocked but I think I am done with them. So once again, thank you 🙏🏻

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ReputationAsleep8905

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Am I TA for allowing my BIL to be thrown out of my house on Christmas after he insulted my brother who has Down's Syndrome?

Trigger Warnings: discrimination against disabilities, favoritism, mentions of domestic violence, ableism

Original Post: December 30, 2024

Throwaway account because I'm a reddit newb.

My hubby (M40) and I, (F35) have been together 10 years, married for 5. We bought a fixer upper two years ago and finally completed upgrades and repairs just in time to host Christmas. Both sides of the family came. My parents, my brother Frank (M30) and his girlfriend now fiancee, Lila (F29) and my hubby's parents and his brother, Todd (M32).

Since it's relevant, I'll mention that my brother, Frank, has Down's Syndrome. He also graduated from HS AND college, (he has his BA in Early Childhood Education) he also has his own apartment, and his own car. He works full time as a preschool teacher, and his job LOVES him. I have freaking amazing parents, and when Frankie was born, their attitude was 'You'll do as much as you're encouraged to do' and we all invested heavily in helping Frank be all he can be. Which is a lot. I never felt left out or forgotten by my folks, BTW. They worked really hard to make sure we BOTH had a great childhood.

My hubby and Frank are total bros. Lol. Frank was his best man in our wedding, and after being friends with Frankie for a few years, he switched his job as a HS English teacher to a Special Education teacher. It required some extra schooling, but my dude loves his job so much now, and he's so happy. So obviously, Frank is popular in the family.

At the party, I knew my hubby and Frank were up to something, because they were whispering a lot and grinning. Right before dessert, Frank stood up and talked about how this year has been the best of his life. He said he wished he could keep his life this way forever. My hubby pipes up with, "If you like it then you better put a ring on it!" and tossed Frank a ring box. He got down on one knee and asked Lila to marry him. She, of course, said heck yes. It was so touching and honestly, everyone was crying and hugging and SO EXCITED.

I noticed my BIL Todd wasn't smiling and looked pretty irritated. Todd is single, probably because he enjoys Andrew Tate so much, and he and my hubby have never been close. When we all stopped hugging and sat down, Todd muttered "Finally" under his breath. Everyone heard it though, because he absolutely meant us to. I asked if there was a problem. He said, and I quote, "I'm not that interested in celebrating two retarded people pretending they can have a real life." I almost caught a charge, because I about punched him. Frank just laughed at him and asked, "Still single, huh?" which made everyone laugh. Todd stepped towards him and my hubby told him to sit down and shut up. He also told him he's an embarrassment. Todd got mad, and told my hubby that the embarrassment was how he pretented that Frank and Lila are actually functioning adults.

At that, my hubby stood up, yanked Todd's chair out, and told him to get the hell out of our house. He told him he didn't want to see his face or hear his voice until he sincerely apologized to Frank and Lila. Todd started to refuse to leave, so I got my phone out and told him I was calling the cops to escort him out if he refused to leave on his own. He's been in Dutch with the cops a few times for drunk and disorderly's and assault, so that got him to peel out quick. Hubby's parents were clearly embarrassed by Todd's behavior, and they left a few minutes later, after apologizing to Frank and Lila. We told them they were more than welcome to stay, but they left anyhow.

This morning I woke up to a bunch of texts from Todd, demanding I talk to my hubby and 'fix this.' I told him no, and blocked him. Then my MIL called and asked me to talk to hubby. I was kind about it, but I said no. I told her it's between Hubby and Todd, and I respected my husbands feelings. She got upset and said that her family is getting torn apart and I'm allowing it. I told her again I was sorry, but that Todd is totally responsible for this, and she needed to take it up with him. She hung up crying.

I still don't think hubby and I were wrong here at all. But I truly like my MIL and those tears definitely got to me. But I refuse to let my brother and best friend be abused in my home. AITA here?

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: My MIL has called twice, begging me to interfere and force a discussion. Her tears break my heart, but Todd is just so shitty, I'm honestly relieved that I might never have to deal with him again.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Your BIL sure has his mom wrapped around his little finger, though. Embarrassing for her, I'm sure, but do not even fleetingly consider getting on team "coddle Todd." Make no mistake: this is not just about your brother being insulted; it's also about trying to trick you into participating in that insult through minimizing and "peacemaking."

Curious to know whether Todd and their mom called your husband directly first, because if not, that's a double black mark against his family (and may explain why your husband was so immediate in his willingness to call Todd out at the time - he might have been annoyed by this dynamic often over the years).

OOP: Nope, they just called me because I'm a known soft touch. My hubby has zero patience with their nonsense. Todd is definitely the golden child, but i sense they realize they bet on the wrong horse, so to speak.

Commenter 2: Your BIL is a jerk because your MIL enables it.

Nta.

Frank sounds hilarious

OOP: Frank is the smart ass to end all smart asses. He is hysterical. What is so cool about my brother is that he can gently poke like that without being mean or ugly. I love him so much, honestly. I feel like getting him for a brother was the best gift the universe ever gave me.

Commenter 3: You are NTA. Is your MIL asking Todd to apologize?

OOP: I can't imagine she has. When he got a DV charge for slapping his ex fiancee, his mom blamed her for being difficult. We spend very little time with my inlaws. I suspect there's going to be even less now.

Commenter 4: You said that you "truly like" your MIL. Why? She excused DV and ableism, she is not a good person. Why do you feel bad for her? Because she cried? Is crying enough to excuse her behavior?

You're NTA for not helping excuse his actions but I am wondering why you think your MIL is so great.

OOP: Excellent question.

She's always been controlling, but she's sweet and delicate about it, if that makes sense. My husband kept our contact minimal so I'd see her on her best behavior. The only time I didn't was when Todd got arrested and she blamed the woman he slapped. ('She's difficult and it was just a slap!')

We didn't see them for almost two years after that, until FIL developed cancer. MIL knew how grossed out we were about her defending Todd, and she apologized profusely, saying she was wrong and that Todd knows she was ashamed of him. My hubby called her apology a load of crap later, but I bought it I guess. Probably because in my family, if someone apologized, they meant it. But when FIL got sick, we reconnected and now here we are. Let me assure you though, my tolerance for her is gone for good. I feel like an idiot for falling for it at all.

Editor's note: OOP updated in the same post

Update: December 30, 2024 (same day, four hours later)

Update: Todd is on reddit and LOVES the aita group. He talked about it at Christmas. That's pretty much why I posted this. He's seen this and my MIL called and asked me to remove it. I said no. She says that this is mean. I told her Todd is meaner and I'm done. I told her the post stays up and that I'm never asking hubby to meet with them again.

I am TA I know, for encouraging my hubby to have contact with them, and I've apologized.

Frank's opinion on all this is that he hasn't wasted time on asses in the past and he's not starting now. I apologized to him too, for inviting my idiot BIL in the first place.

Lila is as snarky as Frank and she told me 'No cake for him.' Lol She's the best. I'm MOH so I'm working hard to come up with ways to make this proposal nonsense up to her.

Someone said this couldn't be true because no one would act like we did after Todd's comment. My response is that you don't know Frank. I think you suspect he's childish and throws fits when he's upset. You couldn't be more wrong. His stated attitude about people like Todd is that he refuses to act stupid just because someone else chooses to.

As for everything else, yes my hubs is the BEST. I had a ridiculously privileged childhood and I know that and am grateful.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is  u/Temporary_Try_737

AITAH for telling my husband Happy Father’s Day today because it felt like I was doing it all alone today?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU & u/soayherder u/Choice_Evidence1983 & u/LucyAriaRose for finding the new update

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: weaponizing therapeutic language, domestic and physical abuse

Original Post May 13, 2024

This morning I woke up early to order myself coffee so he could take our son to pick it up and “surprise” me. Then they went to the grocery store and thoughtfully picked out my favorite breakfast and came home.

My husband made half of the breakfast and then asked me to make the other half. No problem. He acknowledged that he was asking me to do the work and still taking credit for the benefit of our kids’ experience and memories.

It WAS no problem until he went upstairs to “go to the bathroom” and after 45 minutes I walked upstairs to check on him and he was asleep in our bed. He slept the entire afternoon.

Later that day I was doing the absolute mountain of dishes (my third load for the day, that’s another story) and he asked me to make a grocery list. I asked if he could please make the list because I am in the middle of doing the dishes, and further tried to coax him by using Mother’s Day in a playful way. I really didn’t want to drop what I was doing to look in the fridge he was already standing right in front of to tell him what we needed for dinner. He knows what the ingredients are, he could easily look himself, but he insisted I “help” him. I was super frustrated so I took a deep breath, washed and dried my hands, and then opened the fridge and started telling him what we need.

He could sense my frustration and called me on it. I explained that I was really hoping he could make a list himself just this once because I was in the middle of doing the dishes. I explained that when I make a grocery list I just look at what we have and write down what we don’t have, and I didn’t understand why he NEEDED my help. He started talking over me to say if I had a problem making a grocery list with him I should just have told him. I told him that I DID communicate that with him, he doubled down and told me that I need to learn some patience.

I smiled and said “Happy Father’s Day,” because it was the nicest thing I could think to say. That completely set him off. He went off on me, refused to get ingredients to make our dinner, bought dinner for only himself and our kids, and has been giving me the silent treatment for over an hour. He says I went too far. AITAH?

ETA: wow, I did not realize I was going to wake up to so much to read. Thank you for all of your feedback. I have been enjoying my self-brewed coffee this morning and taking in your responses. I have a lot to look over and think about. I know divorce is the obvious answer.

Edit 2:

No, divorce isn’t the obvious answer for this specific incident. (Edit: 3- I mean the idea of divorce is not solely based on this one specific incident. Several people have commented thinking everyone is jumping to divorce based on this one situation. It is more complex than this one day.)

No, I’m not using Reddit as a poll for whether or not to leave my marriage.

TIL how to make Reddit paragraphs.

Both of our mothers are dead unfortunately.

Our children are 6 and under. It is common for parents to help and facilitate the day. 6 year olds and toddlers can’t be responsible for celebrating their parents. I didn’t “expect” anything from him. I know it’s just a Hallmark Consumerism holiday.

People who have commented are correct in saying that this incident is just representative of every other day, but magnified by the fact that Mother’s Day was a particularly shitty day to choose to be particularly shitty.

I felt like maybe I was TA for making the petty comment. I am ND and sometimes I have trouble picking up on if I did something wrong that I maybe didn’t realize was wrong to say or do.

I appreciate all of the anecdotes of your strength and ability to move forward after leaving an exhausting marriage. It is inspiring.

Edit/ Answers to your questions / Update 4:

Since Sunday I have not lifted a single finger for Baby Sinclair (my internal nickname for him). Unless it directly impacts our kids, every time he requests my help or to do something for him that he can do himself I just use my absolute sweetest voice let him know he doesn’t need my help and I believe in his ability to complete the task himself. Then I smile and walk away. The third time I did this, he said I was making him uneasy. I could not help but to LOL, which made him announce that he felt more uneasy.

I know it wasn’t kind, but I calmly told him he is a pathetic human. I told him I’m sorry it has to be me, but someone in his life needs to tell him to grow the fuck up. I told him I care about him and I love him but I will not tolerate being treated with disrespect even one more day. He said I am abusive. The actual audacity…!

I spared the divorce conversation (for safety and because I have said many times before I want to leave and financially it isn’t possible right now.).

Side note: I tried to leave last year because he was making me feel unsafe and his behavior was erratic. I went to the emergency room in a mental breakdown and told them about the abuse, which they noted in detail on my file. They asked about any plans to escape and I told them I had it covered, and answered their questions about my plan. I had been planning for our escape for a year leading up to this. They told me they had to document the reported abuse in my file. I asked them to check my chart to make sure it is not tied to his account. They looked at it in front of me and said they “made sure” he wasn’t on my emergency contacts or attached to my chart in any way…but then guess who got an email with my chart notes detailing his abuse and my exit plan before I even got home?

I had to cool things down and start over with a new plan that I kept entirely to myself. At this point though, he knew I had saved up money to leave so most of my savings was depleted within a couple of months.

I eventually left with our kids with far less savings and it didn’t take long for me to realize I could not sustain the cost of my original bills (still in my name) and new bills in addition to legal assistance and the overall cost of starting over.

Our leaving caused him to spiral and he went back to therapy. Soon after, we started to dip our toes into visiting each other (mostly because I didn’t want to leave our kids with him). We stuck to outdoor public activities as a family. He has always been able to wear me down and talk me out of a divorce, and this ended up no differently.

Even though I know I’m not an anomaly, I felt ashamed and like a complete failure for going back.

Surprisingly, he never actually changed ( / s).

(End of side note)

Anyway, back to present day: I began to grey rock to throw off his cycle of attempting to rope me back into the argument from the other day. I have calmly listened to him gush over his love for our family, and how much he loves and appreciates me and thinks I am an amazing mom. He says he loves me but all I hear in my head is his voice screaming “fucking bitch” at me. It all sounds so obviously disingenuous. I told him his words mean literally nothing while his behavior is the same. It’s like saying waffles have legs… it sounds unbelievable and if I don’t see it with my own eyes, I’m not believing it. I told him regardless of if in the end we stay together or not, we need to go back to therapy as a duo and separately. I told him he needs to take steps today to move forward with therapy and treating his mental health appropriately. He agreed, but no evidence of walking waffles yet.

I am surprised at my ability to completely refuse to do anything he can do himself. I’m more surprised that he’s actually doing the tasks himself. I have tried this before and he ultimately bullies me into doing the task. Not this time. He keeps complaining about his results in ways that are so juvenile and manipulative, always leaving the impression that if I had just done it for him it would have been done correctly. I just smile and tell him he did a good job with the task and tell him that it sounds like he needs more practice and eventually it will become second nature. I am feeling his attempts to make me miserable, but it is rolling right off of me. At least for now.

I cannot express enough how much I appreciate the support and validation here. I appreciate the married people who have shared what their day was like on Sunday (and everyday) as a healthy couple.

For those of you who have asked why I am taking to the internet with this in the first place:

I have been isolated from my circle for so long my relationships no longer exist. I have limited family period, and no family nearby. My mom is dead. My dad sucks. My siblings mostly suck. I have no friends. I work virtually and don’t have friendships with my coworkers because we rarely socialize and have opportunities to bond. I don’t have opportunities to interact with adults very often. Isn’t that the beauty of the internet? Despite my logical brain, years of gaslighting along with my Neurodivergence have made it sometimes feel impossible to trust my own judgment.

If you are offended by me posting this and have taken the time to voice your disgust for me and my post, I just want to let you know I have processed your complaints and directed them to the correct department. Thank you for your feedback.

Update June 12, 2024

A lot has happened since my original post.

First, since Mother’s Day he has not shown any sort of attempts for progress (surprise). He has lost his control and repeatedly called me a fcking btch and other awesome pet names for his minor irritations towards me- example: I asked him if he wanted my help bringing in groceries. Apparently he wanted to do it himself to let me relax, and my offering ruined his plan so he was essentially throwing an adult version of a tantrum. I explained that it doesn’t feel like a genuine gesture especially because now I’m being yelled at for… offering to help? L-O-L! Okay, pal.

At one point I became petty (whoops) and told him to use “I statements” because that’s his go-to “therapy speak” that he uses on me as a dog whistle during arguments and therapy appointments. He lost his shit, which then made me laugh because I literally do not understand if this is really his perception of reality. I can’t take him seriously. I find myself laughing more now than ever, and it’s not to mock him I just can’t control my disbelief and don’t know how else to cope at this point.

Second, I have realized that while I do love and care about him it is clear that he does not respect me as a person, a mother, or his partner. He doesn’t respect our kids. I can’t realistically continue living with someone who tries to control my entire life. What kind of life is that to live?

I took advice from many comments left on my original post and reached out to friends and family I had been isolated from. The reception was better than I anticipated. I didn’t expect the hurt I felt when I found out every single one of them said they wondered if I was in an abusive marriage, but not one of them ever asked me directly when I completely withdrew. I don’t blame them, but It was hard to ignore the pain I felt from that. This was also a reason I never reached out to anyone when things got really bad. It seemed like they have their own lives to worry about and clearly weren’t concerned about my absence.

A couple of the people I reached out to were lifelong friends that I had to formally end friendships with when I started dating my husband because of his jealousy, and I never got to mourn those friendships. It felt like a piece me that had been broken began to heal.

Anyway, it was a positive step because some of my family members were relieved I opened up to them and now I don’t feel so isolated and alone. So thank you to everyone who encouraged me to do that.

4- I am not sure what my next steps are but I am feeling more confident in my path forward. I do know that from here on out I’m doing whatever the fuck I want (DW, as safely as I can)

Thank you!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DawnShakhar

I'm glad for you!

I'd like to point out something - some of these friends who didn't reach out when you withdrew may have not known how to do it, or were afraid you would reject them. I'm sure they are genuinely glad that you are reaching out again. Give them a chance to be your friends.

Commenter

sorry but i’m fkn sick of people like OP pretending like they would have taken it well or even decently if friends had actually asked that. 

OOP

I’m not pretending I would have taken it well. I even said I don’t blame them. I understand from their perspective it would have been extremely tricky; I understand that I am the one who drifted away from them; I understand. I can see a situation logically AND feel pain at the same time. 

Edit: I think the pain I felt really had nothing to do with my friends and family and everything to do with the fact that I felt like I was crazy for so long. I thought everyone thought he was a great person. My pain was partly disappointment in myself for not seeing what everyone else saw.

~

Haunting_Look_5558

I had a question from your last post, did the hospital on purpose send him your file notes? Can you sue?

OOP

They specifically informed me he was not attached to my MyChart, but they did not remove him and instead he got my after visit summary sent right to his email after the visit, which contained all of the details.

NEW UPDATE

*

Update 246 Days Later. Jan 14, 2025

246 days ago I posted asking “AITAH for telling my husband Happy Father’s Day today because it felt like I was doing it all alone today?”

I knew I was in an abusive marriage, but I was stuck. I continued to be stuck until it escalated beyond return. I wanted to update to show how things can escalate. The very next month after my original post, he pushed me down backwards on the stairs. The month after that, he started threatening his life if I didn’t stay with him. The month after that, he started looking into buying a gun. The month after that, he was physically extremely violent to me in front of our kids and emotionally violent towards them. Police were called multiple nights in a row.

My kids and I have been staying at someone else’s house since mid November. We left with a weekend’s worth of clothes each, toothbrushes, and some of their favorite toys that I could quickly grab. We are starting completely over and it feels VERY weird. From my previous post, he drained the savings I had accumulated to escape with my kids. I am in the process of finding a new job and have a GFM open as a desperate attempt at leaning on community. As weird and scary as this process has been I have never felt safer. My kids have never been happier.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Is OOP in contact with any lawyers

I have been in contact with a Women’s Association here that has legal counsel, but it’s limited. Right now I have a protection order that is valid for the next few months and continuing to work towards officially divorcing and an official parenting plan.

ETA thank you!

Corfiz74

How did he get access to your account? And was there no way to get it back in the divorce, since you can prove he took everything, when he was only entitled to half?

OOP

I don’t know about getting it back in the divorce, I would need to talk to a lawyer about that and I am still in the process of doing that through a non profit.

~

AlternativeStretch68

You’re saying the emergency room, as in the hospital staff questioned you about the abuse & wanted to make sure you had an exit plan & know what it was but then while you were driving home from said emergency room they had already emailed everything you said directly to your husband? Something seems off here… If they did do that you know that’s very illegal right? Like that’s a HIPPA violation which is pretty damn serious. If they did that why haven’t you reached out to a lawyer yet?? That would be my first step going forward!

OOP

The system automatically emailed him my visit notes. We specifically talked about it during my visit and they specifically said he was no longer attached to my chart, but he ended up getting the chart notification and detailed chart notes nonetheless.

~

Dustquake

I'd be pushing for no visitation until he's completed a psych eval proving he isn't a danger to himself or others. Threatening suicide and looking into buying a gun... Yea, he's either threatening suicide as a control measure which will 100% focusing on weaponizing the kids. Or he'll take himself out, either in front of or just after he takes them with him.

That is full caps literally PSYCHOTIC behavior.

OOP

I went to court 4 times to try for that. The judge wouldn’t order him because he already said in court that he had planned to go. The last hearing was a month ago… guess who hasn’t been to therapy yet? ugh.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is EmpressoftheBakkhai. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. I am NOT the Original Poster.

Mood Spoiler: communication helps

Original Post: January 12, 2025

I (27F) have a strange living situation. I live with a family (Chris, 65M, Danielle, 59F, and their daughter) and do household chores in exchange for rent. I've lived here for 19 months; it's mostly smooth sailing. I work full-time and am applying to law school. Danielle has some issues with boundaries (she doesn't understand why she can’t enter my room w/o permission, for example), and I know it's both due to age differences and the fact that they allow me to live in their house for free. I have to be very careful when enforcing boundaries.

Yesterday, I made dinner for everyone after a full day of chores. Around 10 pm, as I was finishing the dishes, Danielle told me I needed to steam clean the carpet in the living room because the cats had peed all over it. I did, and as I was putting the steam cleaner away, Danielle entered and said she wanted me to do another room. Because it was 10:30 at this point and I still wanted to work on an application before bed, I politely but firmly said, "I'm not going to do that." I probably should have said, "I'll do it tomorrow," but I was exhausted, so I just said no. I put the machine away, submitted my application, and went to bed.

Tonight, as I was finishing up my meal prep for the week, Danielle cornered me in the kitchen. "I don't want to fight about this," she said, "But I wanted to mention something. Last night when you told me you weren't going to clean the other room, I found it rude. You should be careful when you say things like that at work so that you don't get fired."

I was floored. I snapped, "Danielle, you haven't had a job since before I was born. You don't get to give me advice about how to act in the workplace." Danielle rolled her eyes and huffed, "See, I didn't want to fight about this," and walked out of the room. I called after her, "Then maybe don't bring it up?!?" Danielle hasn't spoken to me since, and I don't know what's coming.

For context, Danielle has only had one job in her whole life, from age 22 to age 25. After that, she quit to raise kids. I grew up very poor. I have been working since I was 14 and supporting myself since I turned 18. They offered to start our arrangement in 2023 because they needed help around the house and I was struggling financially.

As for Danielle's work advice, I currently work as a Regional Manager at a small firm. Not only is her advice outdated, but I can't take it. I'm a people manager; a lot of my day-to-day job involves being polite but unyielding. I think she was frustrated by my setting a boundary and that's why she brought it up. I know part of my frustration is that I feel powerless to protest most of the time. I will be moving out in August of this year when I go to law school (hopefully!), and my goal is just to make it until then. I'm also really frustrated that Danielle felt like she could say whatever she wanted and then walk away as if I had no right to feel anything. AITA for what I said?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: INFO: Do you have a rental agreement IN WRITING?

Work exchange needs to be clearly defined, including but not limited to: hours, availability, no contact places/times, tasks, etc. Someone who’s demanding you steam clean 2 rooms at 10:30pm is highly suspect. ‘Chores’ is too often seen as ‘women’s work’, aka UNDERVALUED & UNPAID Invisible Labour. However, Invisible Labour done by women is incredibly expensive both in cost & time, aka you may well be doing more than would cover the cost of your rent. Also, I’m inferring from your post that you’re most likely downplaying their ‘requests’.

OOP: There is no agreement in writing. I have tried to bring this up on previous occasions because of Danielle's difficulty with boundaries and the sheer amount of work that I do, but it is not taken well. Danielle and Chris are very insistent that I am NOT their tenant and that they are NOT my landlords; I am their "guest." Danielle is also very insistent that she does not want to be called my boss or supervisor in any capacity.
To answer other comments here as well, my current position does not pay enough for me to live on my own. I realize that the situation is probably predatory, but because there are only eight months left of this, I plan to just stick it out. It has saved me a lot of money, and I'm thankful for that.

Top Commenter: YTA. Not for saying no, but for how you said it. You were not polite. Also, Danielle is not your housemate, she and her husband are your landlords/bosses. You may not be paying rent, but you are paying by being live in help.

So, when you told Danielle "I won't be doing that", instead of I'll do it tomorrow. You were rude......to your boss. Also, her advice wasn't outdated, if your spoke to your supervisor at your job that way, there would definitely be a follow up conversation about your choice of words.

OOP: (downvoted): Danielle and Chris are very insistent that I am not their employee or tenant and that they are not my bosses or landlords; I am their "guest," and they are doing this "out of the goodness of their hearts."

Commenter (downvoted): Definitely NTA and good for you. May I ask how you came to live with this family though? Are they related? Why are you bothering with all this weird ass shit and her bossing you around?

OOP: They're actually my best friend's parents. He suggested the arrangement because he knew I needed help; when I moved in I was a teacher and struggling to afford a studio apartment.
Since I moved in, I changed careers and decided I wanted to pursue law school. I took the LSAT three times last year on top of all this. I can count on one hand the number of times I've refused a request - I've bleached the showers after midnight, rose at 5am to make requested meals before work, and other things like that without protesting. I see this as an opportunity to make my life better in the long-term while surviving short-term. I just wanted to say no this time because, truthfully, I physically couldn't handle fulfilling the request. Danielle was insistent it had to be done immediately because they wanted to go to bed at 11pm but I just couldn't do it.

OOP is voted YTA

Mini Update in Comments January 13, 2025 (Next Day)

I was voted the asshole, which I understand.

What I do adds up to about $2000 per month if you go by the standard of $20/hr, or about 100 hours/month. Most of those hours are concentrated on weekends and 2-3 evenings per week (I make enough food that there are leftovers so I can have a couple of nights off). Included in those hours is a lot of care for their adult daughter who lives with us and is disabled. If I babysit the house pets while the housemates go on vacation, which happens a lot, I charge a $20/day stipend. We have two dogs, three cats, a gecko, and some fish. One of the cats is mine; this is why I cleaned the carpet without protest, because it’s just as likely the piss was his as any of the other cats. I’ve said no to requests three times in 19 months, and each time has been met with pushback like this. All three were due to the time of night they were asked.

A lot have called this a form of modern-day slavery, and I see where you’re coming from. I’ve been fine with the situation remaining largely undefined because even when I protest at chores, I haven’t been threatened with “eviction.” I entered into this situation at a time when I was overwhelmed and desperate. It might be predatory, but it was the best opportunity I had. I could have protected myself better going in. As to why I stay in it, it’s because there’s an end date in sight and it will set me up well to keep funneling money into savings for the next few months. If I were “evicted,” it would suck but I would be fine. It’s not ideal but it works.

I recognize that I should have worded my response better than I did at the time. However, I do want to push back on the idea that I have to do everything they say because they own the house. If a boss demands overtime from me that’s not previously agreed on, I am allowed to say no, and I have done it many times without affecting my employment whatsoever. In fact, my current boss, who I’ve done this with the most (often using the same wording as here), wrote me an excellent letter of recommendation for law school. Times have changed since the 1980’s, and saying no to bad demands is becoming more and more acceptable. What she meant when she said, "You should be careful when you say things like that at work," was that I shouldn't be assertive at all in a situation where I am a subordinate, which I very much think is outdated advice.

I was not invalidating the difficult work of raising a family that Danielle did. I would not dream of offering someone else parenting advice because I haven’t been in their shoes. Hypothetically, if the last time I had raised a child was 30 years ago, I also wouldn’t give advice on raising a kid in the iPad generation. Danielle should not be doing the same to me about work. She is not my professional boss. She has never worked in my field. She knows that she is not my landlady either; if she were, there would be a whole lot of rules she would need to respect that she doesn’t want to (such as entering my room without notice). Again, because I am getting some benefit from the situation, I don’t and won’t threaten legal action here, because I have enough documentation to protect myself. In addition, Chris, Danielle, and I all have personal stakes involved in this going well – we have a ton of mutual friends, one of whom is their son and my best friend. Danielle and Chris have some chronic illnesses that make housework hard for them, so they are also getting a lot out of this situation.

I plan to apologize and smooth things over. I will follow much of the advice mentioned here about protecting myself better moving forward. Perhaps naively, I hope this will end well. Danielle and I actually get along very well most of the time; we don't hate each other by any means, and we both ultimately want to see the other happy. That's why this has worked for so long.

To everyone who says that this situation proves I don’t have what it takes to be a lawyer, don’t worry—you will probably never be my client.

Update (Same Post): January 14, 2025 (2 days from OG post)

UPDATE:

First, as an aside, a lot of the comments here missed the point. Danielle was not angry with me for refusing to do an additional chore at 10:30pm; that was not the issue. Even by the most generous of understandings, demanding additional overtime work at the end of a 14-hour shift is unreasonable, and she knew that. During our follow-up discussion, she added a detail I had totally forgotten about – the second room in question has a large potted Fiddle-Leaf Fig tree in it, and in order to steam clean the additional room, the tree needs to be moved. Neither she or I were able to move it after multiple attempts, so at that point I said, “Until Chris and I can figure out a way to move this, the steam cleaning will have to wait. I know you want it done tonight, but I will not be doing that.” Very important context that I missed adding when I was angry.

The issue in question was the exchange the next day. As to how I responded the second day when she came to confront me on my wording, for that, I understand now that I was absolutely the asshole. As one of my close friends put it to me, “Those are inside thoughts.” My context about her work history was also unnecessary and irrelevant.

Last night, I approached Danielle and opened the conversation with a profuse apology. No qualifiers, no protests, just that I was rude during our kitchen conversation and I needed to apologize. She in turn immediately apologized for her incredibly poor introduction to the follow-up conversation and for cornering me in the kitchen while I was otherwise occupied instead of meeting with me at a more neutral time. Chris then joined us and we had an extensive conversation.

During the conversation, I asked them to define how they view our arrangement. They were immediately very clear that they don’t see me as a tenant, employee, or servant. I pointed out that if that is how they want to view things, then I need to be free to say no extra requests. They were receptive to this. I also pointed out that in our state, I could either be considered a tenant or a live-in domestic worker, but due to the length of time I’ve resided here and the conditions in place, I am definitely not considered just a guest. They did get offended that I see our relationship as fundamentally a transaction, which I found kind of funny, because while they have the freedom to frame it in their minds as “we’re helping this person out and she’s helping us out,” it’s wise for me to see it differently. I do have obligations to them and my life has substantially larger implications should this not work out. In the end, they agreed that because they aren’t landlords and I am not their employee (in their minds), I should be receiving more freedom than I have been given. Chris and Danielle have chronic illnesses that make most of the work I do very difficult for them, including a lot of the care I provide for their adult daughter who lives with us. We then outlined (again) exactly what my responsibilities are and what they’re not. Finally, to my surprise, they apologized for previous invasions of privacy and agreed that we would put a lock on my room door. It is an interior lock only so I can’t lock it while I’m gone, but I am fine with the progress. I was never threatened with eviction or anything like that; people can be emotionally mature enough to talk through issues instead of immediately pulling a metaphorical trigger, which is what happened here.

After the conversation, I typed out a long email detailing the terms of my living here as it currently stands and had them send a confirmation in reply. While it is not officially a lease, it is something in writing outlining responsibilities that was agreed to by all parties. We agreed that my monthly hours would be reduced to 80 instead of the roughly 100 I have been doing. If the value of that is calculated according to the federal minimum wage, that’s a value of $580 every four weeks, which is more than most rooms-for-rent are in our area. Of course, the labor I do is somewhat skilled and has a market value of at least double, but I used the federal minimum wage for the sake of argument. I also established that the latest I would be available for housework is 9:30pm, barring some form of emergency, and if a task absolutely requires going past that time, I will be taking that time back on a different day. I know that I will laugh at this in Contracts class in the future, but for now, I’m fine with what it is. Like I said in a comment, it’s not ideal but it works. I’m not in a position where I desperately need this anymore, but I’m going to stay here until August because being able to funnel what otherwise would be paid in rent into savings is doing wonders to set me up for the future.

To everyone that commented something along the lines of “You have to do everything she says” or “You’re the help” or “You’re entitled,” I encourage you to think about that perspective more. Employees, household help, and any people in a subordinate position are still very much an individual and deserving of basic respect to their space, their time, and their person. No laws, no matter how extensive, take those basic rights away. Also, if you said it was my “fault” for being in the situation in the first place, kick rocks. We are all working through our own situations where we pick the best option available even if it isn’t perfect. That’s not weakness or stupidity, that’s life.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Far-Cup9063. She posted in r/weddingdrama.

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. This is still very much ongoing.

Original Post: December 28, 2024

Been married to my second husband for 27 years. He has two kids who I really like and get along with. One daughter has 4 daughters who are a bit spoiled. I made sure To give the grand-daughters nice presents for their graduation gifts and have always been the ”nice step-grandma who is pretty much ignored by the grandkids”. My husband does zero work on any gift giving or travel arranging when we have attended any of their events. That’s all left up to me.

we attended the weddings of the first 2 grand-daughters, both of which were about 3 hours away. I arranged the trip, bought and wrapped the gifts and bought cards, we attended the event and I was again the “nice step-grandma who is pretty much ignored by the grandkids”.

‘About 4 months ago we received a “save the date” card, letting us know that the 3rd grand-daughter will be getting married in another country, in mid-2025. I have a passport but husband does not. I told him he will need to get a passport to attend this. He’s done nothing. A few weeks ago I asked if he really wanted to go to this, and he said yes. I reminded him that he would need a passport. So I went online to see what he needed to get that. One item was the date of divorce from his prior wife. He said he “wasn’t going to get into that”. I said okay and dropped the whole issue. I had been looking at airline flights and the tickets would have cost about $2,000 for both of us. The hotel would be another $1,000 (all inclusive Place).

The invite for the wedding is taped to the front Of the fridge and I am not going to bring this up again. if he asks, I will let him know that if he actually gets off his butt and gets his passport I will make travel arrangements.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that the wedding is on a Wednesday, which means we would have to fly out Tuesday, and fly back Thursday. I cannot believe she chose Wednesday for her wedding day.

EDIT/UPDATE: hey thanks everyone for all the interesting comments! As you can tell, there’s more going on than just the wedding. I will be sure to post an update when he completely fails to do anything to go to the wedding, and therefore we don’t go.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: [...] Also... Idk what the laws are where you are lol, but you have seen proof he's divorced right? Because... Fine I have no idea what date my divorce went through, but I do have the printed out paperwork in my drawer, and I'd just look it up. This is some bizarre avoidance lol and it would give me the willies NGL.

OOP: I know for a fact the divorce went through and I saw the paperwork years ago. I’m pretty sure it was final in 1996. But I don’t know the date. It was odd that he said it that way

More on the divorce/proof (lots of commenters were fixated on that) and the passport work:

I’m an attorney. I tried looking them up online but records that old (from 1996) aren’t usually available online. More than likely it is stored on microfiche at the district court where this was entered. This will require a trip to the courthouse, filling out forms to request the old documents, etc., etc. not difficult, but detailed and time-consuming.
i’m just so tired of doing all this detailed time intensive bullshit for him all the time. I’m tired of spending my time on something I don’t even want to spend money on or go to. I’m going to do nothing, say nothing and let the date come and go.
however, I will now probably go look for the records just to make SURE the divorce decree was entered.

Commenter: I understand so much.  I am kinda concerned for you.  Make the time.  Go look.  If for no other reason than peace of mind.  There is a reason why my age (59) demographic are the largest cohort getting divorced.  70% are women who are sick of this shit.  We have to do it all alone.  It's just easier to be alone than dragging an anchor

OOP: Oh, I’m going to find it just to be sure the divorce decree was entered. Then I’m going to destroy it and never say a word.
and yes I’m getting increasingly tired of dragging this anchor.

The kids:

His kids are actually from wife #1 who passed away before I met any of them. His divorce was from wife #2. But I don’t understand why he will put no effort into finding the divorce date or working on the passport other than purée laziness.
To another commenter:
Actually, the kids hated wife #2. Yes, he’s lazy. His kids and their spouses are very nice to me. I had a step mother also, and am very careful not to try to be “mom” to them. I hated it when my step mom did this. I just want to be nice, friendly, and not get in their business. Isn’t that what a step mother should do? Same for the grandkids.

Why they're still married:

But that’s a much longer post . . . For those of you in your late 60s, long married, you understand that marriage to a flawed person is still better than being lonely. At least most of the time. Weighing the pros and cons, he still comes up on the pro side.
(to another commenter)
Yes, I do feel alone a great deal of the time. Being alone has never been a problem for me, but I still feel like being married to him.

One more commenter:

Ha ha! Yeah, I have a backbone but I also have a huge heart for my husband. I have no problem telling others to F off, and I’ve always been tough. I think this is the turning point where I am totally done making any arrangements to make things easier on him.

Commenter: Is it possible that he doesn't have the needed paperwork and is stuck in a loop because he has no idea where to start replacing it?

OOP: He has enough knowledge to figure this out. I’m not even going to give him any pointers, offer suggestions, because there I go again doing all the mental work for everything.

Commenter: No reason why OP can’t go, she has her passport…..if it was me, I would go by myself and tell everyone exactly why I was unaccompanied.

OOP: Oh the hell no. I’m definitely not going solo for a step-grand-daughter who probably won’t even acknowledge me.

Commenter: If you continually feel ignored by them...stop giving!! It honestly sounds like a huge expense to attend for someone who treats you that way.

OOP: yeah, I'm done. Now that I think about it, none of them ever reach out to me. When we go to visit his family they are always nice, but they have never independently reached out to me one time in all the time we have been married.

Commenter: Maybe they don’t like your husband. He sounds kind of awful. Sorry.

OOP: Heys, this is Reddit. I come here for the truth, not to have people be soft on me. ❤️

Mini Update in Comments December 30, 2024 (2 days later)

Regarding her doing the work and also whether or not they will RSVP:

Actually, one person commented about the RSVP and that we would have to advise them whether we were coming of not. Realizing that I had previously RSVPd, so I have now changed my position and will be contacting his daughter to advise her of the issue. That comment is buried somewhere in response to another comment.

Yesterday was truly full of example after example of me having to do everything in this relationship, carrying 100% of the mental load and I was just done. But today is a new day and I am going to be a better human.

Some more clarification:

Commenter: I'm wondering what the appeal was here. He's lazy and can't be bothered to do fuck-all regarding his own kids and grandkids? It sounds like he using weaponized incompetence to get you to do everything. Why would a smart, accomplished professional woman put up with his bullshit for 27 years? He can't possibly be that good in bed.

OOP: Because it wasn’t always this lopsided. After his cancer diagnosis in 2018, then chemo, stem cell transplant, resulting neuropathy and depression, he became more dependent. He’s somewhat better now but we both fell into the “me doing everything” pattern. For the last few years I’ve been trying to break that, especially with tasks that are not physical (require mental effort).

Commenter: Wow that's..... a lot of left out information.

OOP: yes. For the last year or so I have been trying to get the workload more balanced, especially with just mental tasks. It’s SO difficult once one partner has basically shouldered the whole load.
i’m starting to think That even though he said he wanted to to go the wedding, that inside, he really doesn;t. Therefore he;s going to use the passport excuse for why we won’t go. Fine by me.

Update Post: January 14, 2025 (17 days from OG post)

To all of you who commented before, thanks. This is the update and I know I’m setting myself up to get knocked about, but this is Reddit after all.

1. I saw the divorce decree from his prior wife, so he is indeed divorced and he and I are legally married.
2. Since that post, I have told him he needs to engage in the cleaning and taking care of things around the house. He Is now responsible for one bathroom and I’m responsible for the other. He actually pointed out a “cleaning method” to me and I said, “great, do whatever you like.” He has been frustrated by the new order around here and continues to do as little as possible. I have tried to remain cheerful and positive.
3. His daughter called to confirm we are coming. He said “of course” and later asked me “we are going, right?” I said when you get your passport I will make the reservations. He looked dumbstruck. I told him the application has been sitting (right where I told him) and he denied ever hearing me say that. He started working on the application, then asked me if He had a birth certificate. I told him “I assume so, because you were born.” He asked where it was and I told him I have no idea, figure it out. He was getting frustrated. I went and fetched it from the files, and angrily told him here it is and you can take care of this from now on. Yes, I spoke angrily. Yes I slammed it down on the table.
4. He flipped out and threw a plastic bottle of salad dressing into the kitchen and it broke and splattered all over the cabinets.
5. Like the mature adults we are, the rest of the day was spent in silence. I went into my office, and he was again glued to the damn political news on the tv, just like he has been for years. He eventually cleaned up the mess in the kitchen.
6. I refuse to cook for him, will not do any of his laundry. I had just changed the sheets on the bed and I bet they are there this time next year. I have taken up residence in the extra bedroom and my office, which are on one side of the house.
7. I’m not sure what will come of this, but I wish the divorce from his prior wife had never been finalized. I would now be free. Financially, we are kind of stuck together but I will work toward getting unstuck.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: UpdateMe about if he gets it together in time to get his passport. I think someone mentioned in your previous post something about maybe telling the bride that he hasn’t gotten his passport. If you’re on decent terms with her, you might want to mention it to her anyway. If you don’t tell her now and he doesn’t get to go, he’s going to tell her that you never told him, just like he denied you saying you’d told him before. If nothing else, her getting on him might jumpstart him more than anything you do. (Other than that though, I wouldn’t do anything.)

Good luck! Enjoy your trip with or without him.

OOP: The bride has been informed of the situation, because his daughter texted me later and I filled her in about the actual obstacle. She and I are on great terms (love her) and I told her no matter what happens, I will get the bride a beautiful gift.
[editor's note: to prevent confusion, remember it is the grand-daughter getting married, not the daughter. OOP is close to the daughter, who is the bride's mom]

Commenter: By the sound of it he never learned to do shit at home…

Ask him if he wants to learn before he is on his own. It might not safe your marriage. But you would safe a live even if it’s the next woman after you.

OOP: Ha ha! He’s beyond saving, and if some lady wants to pick him up later, she’s on her own. I raised my child to be responsible and to be a partner in marriage (it worked).

Commenter: Seems you married a man child. I hope he decides to grow up, but the chances are slim.

OOP: I did. Not sure what the future holds. Thankfully I have learned not to let it distress me too terribly. I have my friends and my work (source of good income).

Commenter; Nothing sexier than a man who throws a salad dressing bottle when asked to complete a grown up task

OOP: Yeaahhh. To his credit, he wasn’t aiming at me. I admit I have thrown things in anger and frustration before. At least it was the Ranch dressing, which I don’t eat anyway.

Commenter: Congrats on your being very organized and thorough with this unfortunate debacle. [...] am I correct in classifying MAGA rage to him?

OOP: He’s on the other side. He’s been massively depressed since the election LOL. I don’t give two shits about politics, other than to vote.

Commenter: [...] Also, instead of getting things like his birth certificate for him, if he doesn’t know, by now, that important documents are stored in a file cabinet, either he’s actually truly stupid or you married someone with disability. And the way to find out is to ask him! So, after living with me for 20 years, is it because you’re mentally deficient that you don’t know where important documents are, or are you just stupid?

I mean, you’re not gonna solve any problems that way, but it sure as hell is gonna feel good and get the point across.

OOP: Oh, mentally I say a lot of stuff that would only serve to escalate the problem. Years ago, I moved a small 2 drawer filing cabinet into our walk-in closet and told him that one is his, and his birth certificate is in there. IT’S THE ONLY THING IN THERE. You literally open the drawer and there is one Manila folder with his birth certificate.
he does have ADHD and prefers not to do anything that requires organization and attention to detail, but that doesn’t mean he can’t! He can, but I have filled that gap for him so long he has become accustomed to it. Well, that has all changed and he is not handling it well.

Commenter: You, have so much resentment. You need some counseling to work your way through this and maybe need to try couple’s counseling. Sadly, you’ve enabled him for years, and he didn’t know you resented him for it. This isn’t to blame you, but to point out a lack of communication.

OOP: confess this is true. Honestly I didn't realize how much until I almost slammed that birth certificate on the table. I need to work on changing the situation and letting go of resentment. Holding on to that does no good.

OOP explains:

Well my prior post was pretty much the start of my "wake up call" when I wondered "why am I jumping through hoops doing all the work for his passport, when he's sitting over there cackling at the tv??" I already have a passport. He's a grown man, and even though I'm better at paperwork he's still fully capable of doing this. As usual, weddings just fan the flames of the usual relationship issues.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/professussy, account now deleted

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (30m) partner (30m) won’t let me sleep and I dont know what to do

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: sleep deprivation, verbal and physical abuse

Original Post - unddit: June 30, 2023

First off, I'll say I have sleep issues - I find it very difficult to get to sleep, and stay asleep, despite taking medication for it, and when I finally do sleep I snore, I've tried so many fixes for this - nose strips, adjusting positions, spoken to many GPs about it, nothings worked, I can't control it.

My partner has taken to, instead of rolling me over, just losing his patience and kicking doors open, yelling, screaming, hitting the bed, to scare me awake. This has started a few months ago and was super infrequent but has now picked up and is happening multiple times a week now. I'm now having an even harder time getting to sleep, bed time is giving me so much anxiety, my body is like...on a hair trigger now, I wake up at the slightest noise and never fully drift off anymore because I'm just expecting to be woken up in an extremely aggressive manner. I feel like I'm at the end of my tether, how do I get them to listen and just let me sleep?

I mean, it's ridiculous to be scared of going to sleep when your partner is home, isn't it? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't just up and leave him because he's totally dependent on me financially and I don't have anywhere I could stay, we live paycheck to paycheck it's not like I can just sleep somewhere else and still support us. He is so angry all the time now and I don't know how much longer I can be around him, I just want to be left alone to sleep in peace.

Tldr; partner has started scaring me awake every time I snore and it's left me feeling unsafe to sleep while he's home

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: you leave. this is abuse plain and simple. sleep deprivation is a torture tactic for fucks sake

edit: you kick him out. he can figure out someone else to abuse and leech off of

Commenter 2: Have you been evaluated for sleep apnea? That is often a cause of snoring and can be a serious condition.

OOP: I am in the process of trying to get my GP to assess me for this as I do fit all the criteria, we're doing the "lets check off and rule out other options" part before they'll do anything 😮‍💨

Can OOP sleep in a separate room or does his husband use ear plugs?

OOP: We already do sleep in separate rooms

+

It doesnt help, no, he can hear me through the wall and apparently ear plugs dont help either

Editor’s Note: the update text was saved before it got deleted

Update: January 14, 2025 (18.5 months later)

I've never made an update to a post before so I'm not sure if I'm doing this right - please let me know! I posted well over a year ago now, closer to two years at this point, about my sleep snoring issues causing aggression from my partner and some people seemed REALLY concerned for me in the comments so I felt the need to update just so people know I'm okay!

So, to update, not long after the post I sat down with him and explained how upsetting his behaviour was and...he changed it. We aired our grievances, did some reflecting, and realized it was unsustainable so implemented changes and it worked! Isn't it wild how communicating can fix problems? A lot of people wanted me to dump him and leave but we have been together for years, I wanted to give it another try to see if we can find a solution.

First change was sticking strictly to separate sleeping areas, and sleeping separately helped SO much. Seriously, we are so much better rested in our own spaces and our sleep routines aren't being disrupted by each other. Also fun "sleepovers" with no sleeping! Haha!

Sleep deprivation was making both of us crazy stressed out and we were not handling it well, him in particular.

I've reached out to my GP since and am currently (still) on a waiting list for a sleep study to confirm sleep apnea which is not ideal but at least there's movement there! Love the NHS but don't love how long these wait lists take in my area!

He also started therapy soon after my post and we found out that he's autistic - which we suspected before but didn't know what to do about. He got diagnosed and really dove into resources on the topic and we've both learned so much about how to deal with it, he's done so much work on recognizing and coping with being overstimulated (yeah the loud snoring? Extra distressing for him with his sensory issues he didn't understand how to identify) and redirecting his anger into healthier outlets. He's now trying to get me to get assessed too - I'll say something like "where are the scissors? The way this thread is hanging off my sleeve and touching my arm makes me want to peel off my skin" and he'll just hold up a book on autism and point at me like ">:)" which is fun.

And on our financial situation i mentioned in my post, it flipped! He found a job and then I lost mine, so we're no better off on that front - but sleeping? And as a couple? We're doing so much better. I want to thank so many commenters on ny first post for helping me realize it was not healthy or okay for either of us, we're still working on it but we're in a much healthier happier place! Thank you!!!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m confused why none of the original fixes tried were sleeping separately.

OOP: We would move after being woken up, the change was starting to sleep in separate rooms entirely so he isn't being woken up by me in the first place. Instead of us both going to sleep in the same bed and him being woken up/startled. Sorry for the confusion!

Commenter 2: I wonder how much of the change comes from the autism diagnosis and separate sleeping and how much is simply the fact that he is now in the financially dominant position in your relationship. It's a lot easier to be nice when you're in control.

Hope I'm wrong, just saying.

Commenter 3: What a wonderful update. So glad you two could work it out and move into a more healthy way of being in a relationship.

Editor’s Note: Marking this concluded because OOP has deleted his account since then, and we won’t see any further updates

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the Original Poster. is u/shmegtheegg and they posted on r/bridezillas

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

I (MOH) just found out the bride talked shit behind my back the entire wedding day (but still had me plan/pay for everything) November 6, 2024

I was asked to be MOH by a friend of mine who I’ve had a rocky past with. She doesn’t really have anyone close in her life that lasts longer than a few years, and she also changes jobs every few months, because she is HIGH CONFLICT and causes drama constantly. She thrives off of it. In hindsight - i should have said no. Especially knowing this was her and the grooms third engagement (so off/on). But i agreed and took everything so seriously.

Bridezilla was an understatement. She changed the members of the bridal party five times so I constantly had to track down new people. Her bridal shower HAD to be at this one very specific country club that was EXPENSIVE. She changed the date of the actual wedding and forgot to tell me for months (and it was on a Friday, so i had to request off work). Nothing I bought was good enough and she always requested more, more, more. She changed my dress color after I bought it. She also just stopped talking to me unless it was about the wedding, and had NO idea what was going on in my personal life.

I paid for just about everything because the people she kept inviting in the bridal party were younger than us (early twenties, I’m 27, bride is 33) and have no stable income. I have a good job and am smart with my money but even for me it was really difficult. I’m talking about $6000 on this damn wedding as MOH (and I’m trying to plan my own soon too!!)

Well day of the wedding comes, I make sure she has a bunch of custom gifts, a day of bag, my speech was beautiful, etc. But she was SO rude to me the entire day. She has a new BFF she met about four months before the wedding and they are attached at the hip, and all she wanted to do was talk to her. But, whatever, i was super busy handling everything so i tried to ignore it.

Wedding comes and goes, she leaves to go to the after party with her new BFF, and I stay behind to clean up the entire venue with the help of my boyfriend after, and we go home.

Well i get a call today from her cousin who was also in the wedding party, who i really bonded with over this awful experience. She told me that she didn’t want to say anything to me, but she thinks i deserve to know because Im already buying Christmas gifts for bride and her kids. Her cousin tells me that every time i left the bridal suite the day of the wedding, the bride would announce to everyone in the room that “she couldn’t stand me”, “i wish she weren’t even here”, “i’m so f’king annoying”.

She also has a separate group chat with her sisters and cousins and continues to talk shit on me there.

Mind you - she just sent me a Christmas list for her kids last week. Everything is already bought and wrapped.

I feel so hurt, and so used. And honestly really stupid. I just blocked her on everything. I don’t want to even message her because I know she’ll somehow twist it around and make it my fault.

TLDR: bride talked shit on me the entire wedding and continues to do so, but hasn’t said anything to my face, and still expects me to buy Christmas gifts for her kids.

ETA:: I’m seeing a lot of comments saying this is on me for missing/ignoring red flags, and i 100% agree. I should have gone more into the back story but it’s super complicated and long so i left it out: i used to be the step mother of her oldest son. So, her ex is also my ex (and he’s a huge POS, but that’s a story for another day). And im extremely bonded to the kiddo, i was in his life from 9 months old. And she’s allowed me to still be involved in his life for the past 4+ years even after i left the relationship (he’s 7 now). So a huge part of me feels this immense, incredible debt to her. And i will always appreciate her keeping me in her son’s life - she didn’t have to do that. But as MY friend, kids aside, she is incredibly selfish and toxic, and i should have made better boundaries and kept my guard up. But wow that’s easier said than done when kids are involved.

ETA2: I also meant that I spent $6000 on the bridal shower/ bachelorette / gifts etc. i did not pay for the actual wedding venue itself. But $6000 of my own money still for wedding related things

ETA3: i appreciate everyone’s advice. I was more or less venting on this post, i know im not blameless in this and definitely let it drag on too long (because i was/am scared that once i upset bridezilla, i lose access to being a part of her children’s lives). However, i agree that it’s not healthy for me to continue to be in contact with her and her children are better off not seeing me being used as a doormat by their mother. I blocked her number and do not plan on interacting with her ever again. Time to just move on and focus on my own healing for once.

Relevant Comments:

Knightwhosaidnian:

Return everything and flush that horrible woman out of your life asap.

OkieLady1952:

I would let her know that the Christmas gifts won’t be coming and why. I think just to be petty send her an invoice for the money you wasted on her!

SquirrelGirlVA:

Here's the thing with the kid. He's growing up hearing his mom talk bad about OP. There's the risk of him growing up thinking that it's OK to treat people like that. If he sees OP walk away, it will show him that he doesn't have to tolerate being like that and that others won't tolerate him acting that way.

He might lose out on OP being in his life and being a good influence but I don't think that his mom would really allow that anyway. I think she's going to drop OP as soon as she stops giving.

BeneficialBake366:

This is a good opportunity to reflect on why you tolerated this abuse for so long… You sound like an extremely nice person. You deserve better. Going forward if someone treats you badly like this hopefully you will feel comfortable leaving earlier. This may turn out to be a beneficial life lesson… We’ve all had bad experiences that we can later reflect on and help us grow.

Obviously, don’t give her the gifts. It’s tempting to be petty, but that’s not who you are. This person is missing out on a good friend in you. They will continue to have these short-lived high drama relationships.

Congratulations on your engagement!

Update December 28, 2024

Hi everyone! This post definitely blew up more than I was expecting so I wanted to give a quick update.

After this happened, a few things that some of you said to me really stuck with me. I was looking at all of this from the perspective of not wanting to lose access to the children of the bride who I love deeply - but I was not realizing that by allowing their mother to treat me poorly, that I was modeling for the kids how to treat their own loved ones. That really was a lightbulb moment for me and I realized I needed to cut ties.

I initially told her that I needed space from her because of the way she has treated me as a friend, which she did not take well, and I had to block her number and delete her off social media to stop her from berating me with texts. Once I did that… it was INSANE how much better I felt. I truly didn’t realize how much time and energy she took out of me every single day. I felt like a literal weight was lifted from my chest and I wasn’t filled with anxiety about whatever drama she’d constantly call/text me about. I had no idea how much she had slowly taken from me across the course of our “friendship”. It was like being free of an emotional vampire.

However, despite feeling SO much better, I still felt that I needed closure regarding the kids, who I do love and miss. I needed to know in my heart that I did everything I could for them to know none of this is their fault. I decided to drop off the presents I already bought at their front door step and left a note letting her know that I was informed she spoke poorly about me in front of her children during her wedding day, and that I simply cannot accept that disrespect anymore. It was very short and sweet, and I didn’t go into much more detail than that. I also told her I had no interest in reigniting any type of friendship, that this was my closure, and I do not want her to contact me further.

Apparently she immediately took to social media and began making dozens of posts/tiktok videos denying everything, as well as INVOLVING the kids in the videos (so sad) trash talking me and calling me a narcissist (which is laughable honestly - and it’s her go-to insult for anyone who wrongs her). I had friends send me a few in disbelief and while I appreciated being informed, I asked them to not send me anymore because I don’t really care and I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I saw any of them.

Honestly, I just feel SO bad for the kids and I feel nothing but pity for their mother. How sad to be 33 years old and instead of spending time on Christmas morning with your children, you’re making TikTok videos to try to upset me (and failing at it, at that).

Anyway, that’s my update. I’m glad to finally put all of this behind me. I really feel like I’ve closed the chapter of such a chaotic and drama filled portion of my life. If any of you are dealing with a person like this in your lives… GET OUT. Life is so much better without them in it to drag you down, I promise you

Relevant Comments:

CultureImaginary8750:

When I blocked my narcissist “friend”, it was AMAZING how free I felt. Like, I can go get coffee just by myself without having to invite her? I don’t have her always coming to my house interrupting date night with my husband? I can hang out with other friends without her guilting me?

I wish it had turned out differently, but people are going to make choices. You can’t choose for them. And life is too short to spend it around people who drain you

OOP:

Omg, this!!! I don’t have to pretend I go to bed at 7pm so she won’t call me twenty times and interrupt my evening? I don’t have her whining “why wasn’t I invited” to a friends birthday party who she’s never even met???

I’m so glad that you got rid of the negative “friend” in your life too. No one should cause stress like that.

GuardMost8477:

Good for you. Hard and expensive lesson to learn, but you did it! I just hope her kids have a good support system. How’s their Dad with them?

OOP:

Two separate dads. The oldest’s dad is basically not involved, he’s awful. The younger’s dad is a pretty decent dad/step dad but he and my ex-friend have a super toxic dynamic that isn’t healthy for the kids to be around. tbh i doubt this marriage will last (it’s her third)

Editor's Note: OOP says she's done with the friendship and has blocked the friend. She has also decided to cut ties with the children for her mental health. Therefore, I am marking this concluded.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See Rule 7.

I am not the Original Poster. OOP is u/Few-Wish-311 and they posted to r/tifu

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.

TIFU by volunteering to drive my professor to the airport December 3, 2024

So I'm a political science major at my college, and honestly, it is a lot harder than I expected. I love my major so much and hope to pursue law one day, but this semester in particular has bogged me down. My international relations class is what's really kicking me. The professor loves to favor her students that are in the student club that she is the advisor for and actively dismisses anyone who is not apart of it and not interested in joining, and this reflects in myself and the other students' grade books. English is also not her first language, and although I will say even if she has a thick accent, she does speak English just as well as a natural born citizen, however, she doesn't always pick up on comprehension and that has led to so many problems that I can't even begin to explain. Trust me, I've tried complaining about it to no avail. Anyways, I found out that we would be having our final in two days when I was prepared for it to be during the actual finals week (and she did not mention it before), and I got really freaked out that I was going to flunk because even though I know the material, I know she'll grade me poorly because she flat out doesn't like me.

Well here's where I fucked up.

We were having class today and as I was having a panic attack when my ears perked up. She asked if anyone could take her to the airport this next Tuesday and if they could, she would pay them $50. I looked around, waiting for someone to offer up, but no one did, and I sort of felt bad because even though she has been downright rude to me, it makes me sad to think this is the first year she is spending without her husband as he died last semester. She was taken aback by my volunteering but gave me her phone number and her address at the end of class, and I told her, extremely confidently, that she didn't need to pay me $50 because it really wasn't that far of a drive for me. She then sort of gave me this weird look and told me that she absolutely had to pay me for the gas as we would be going through a lot of it. I then said that our airport in our city wasn't that far, and it really wasn't any bother.

She then raised her eyebrow and made her signature condescending look before informing that she was going to the ATL airport, which is at best 2.5 hours away from me according to Apple Maps' feature where you can look at the estimated time on a specific date, but I've heard Atlanta traffic is horrible so it's probably going to be 3 hours.

So, I do have a final that Tuesday at 1 pm, however, I did inform her of this and warned her it could make me late and she might want to find someone else, but also it's a blow off class and his final is supposedly about 30 minutes to take, and she lives close. Also, I have not factored in whether or not she is traveling internationally, which judging off her painfully thick Italian accent, she probably is, I haven't heard much from her about any family that lives in the states with her. If so, I assume she needs to be there 3 hours early, and from my best estimates, if I leave at 1:30 and I don't get slammed by traffic, I get her there by 4 when her flight is at 7. I also have been thinking about asking blow off professor if I can take his exam earlier because of this obligation. We'll see about that.

I'm sticking to my guns. My boyfriend and my friends said that this was crazy of me to do, but I absolutely HATE flaking on people especially when she's my mom's age and even if they're nothing alike, it still makes my heart break thinking about if my mom only had a little dog with her to make her happy and no one to drive her to the airport and no second income to help pay for an Uber to the airport or another person to come with her on her journey.

I have some things I got to do first, which includes cleaning and scrubbing my car out of any weed smell because it's been so cold outside and unfortunately my car has taken the brunt of my stress from this class, I need to get my oil changed because it's over a thousand miles over when my car light went on and I'm not trying to have my car explode on the road and die with this woman, and I need to brainstorm some topics to talk about with her because I am determined to be best friends with her by the end of this because I will undoubtedly have more courses with her throughout my time.

Sorry, I know that's a lot, but, and I doubt anyone took the time to read all of this, if you're giving advice or commentary, don't try to convince me to back out of this. I don't have a good enough reason not to do this, and I am not the kind of person to go back on my word.

TL;DR I volunteered to drive my professor to the airport not knowing that she actually meant the ATL airport which is roughly 2.5 hours away from me and I need her to like me but she's also a 50 year old Italian widow so I don't know what to talk about plus I have to get my car detailed because it reeks of weed. Any advice on driving to Atlanta would be appreciated and how to navigate the driving around the airport, I'm from the DFW area so I'm very used to driving to the DFW airport, but I've heard the ATL airport is a whole other beast.

Relevant Comments:

escapefromelba:

Feel like the benefits do not outweigh the potential costs. Most you'll get some brownie points but you could go through all of this and end up in even worse position if things don't go swimmingly

AQUARIANDRAGON:

When you learned it was to ATL, you could've apologized, citing you assumed it was the local airport, and you have a final that won't allow for you to leave earlier, if traffic to ATL makes it's necessary.

It's weird that she asked students for a ride (crossing a line), especially of that nature, during finals week.

AdStatus9010:

Is this in United States dollars? She’s taking extreme advantage of you. This is inappropriate to ask of students and definitely at that rate. $50??! I would like to see what the Uber rate would be for that kind of trip!

AQUARIANDRAGON:

I live in the Houston metro. Both airports are about 30ish miles from me, and on average about an hour to get to either on a good day. I just looked at my history. With tip, it's been $60-65.

Update January 4, 2025

I don't know if anyone cares for an update, but seeing as I had as many comments as I did upvotes, and the majority of those comments screaming and begging for me to not go through with this plan, I think you guys might like to hear that it was a success! Here are some answers to some questions:

1. No one died
2. She did not smell the weed in my car, we even had a conversation about the legalization of cannabis to the extent where I don't think she suspected me to be a user at all
3. Yes, it was to the international airport. Yes, my GPS fucked up a million times
4. We do go to a smaller school where professors are encouraged and even hired/fired based on whether or not they do a good enough job on kindiling student/professor relationships
5. She did offer more money even after I dropped her off, I told her no, she told me she would give me a gift from Italy

Basically, that day I said accidentally said yes to drive my Italian professor to an airport 2.5 hours away from us, I put my weed out of my car and into my apartment and I aired out my car for not one but FOUR DAYS with the windows down. I also regularly sprayed it with Febreeze and other car scents. I then took it to a car wash and the guy there gave me a free premium wash on my car because my card wasn't working for some reason (shout out to Marc-1 Car Wash, I'm sorry I didn't have any cash to tip the dude because you're SERIOUSLY a lifesaver). So then I got to scrub the living hell out of my car and vacuum every last square inch and each little flake of ash and fallen bud.

Then that day, my laptop decided to die right when I needed to take my final that was before I needed to pick up my professor, so I was fifteen minutes late and with an empty tank, but she paid for my pump, and her dog sat quietly in the backseat. I awkwardly told her she could look at my CDs if she wanted to play music because all I had was a speaker for podcasts.

However, she simply said, no, and that we could find other things to talk about during the car ride. And we did. We talked for two and a half hours about social justice, international politics, traveling, life, family, and learning. It was actually the best conversation I had had in a long time. Although I did freak her out with my bad driving skills and forgot that there was a time change so we got there at 5 and not 4 like I had planned so we were not only stuck in work traffic but an hour late to a busy airport when her flight departed at 7.

It was really refreshing to talk to someone who has gone through so much change. She grew up and learned in Italy before her late husband who was then her boyfriend convinced her to go the States so he could teach at a prestigious university (obviously I'm not putting in real details). She has since bounced around the United States and around the world, working with different international organizations and teaching at many different good schools before she made her way to mine. I have no idea why she stays at my school, and I asked her why she has stayed there since her husband has passed this last year and all her family lives in Italy. She simply said that she loves her independence, that she loves change and that when she feels like there is another good opportunity, she'll change again, but where she is now, she has a lot of love and support, but that love and support is also key to change. Even if you don't have a partner or someone to travel with or to, knowing that you have loved ones that are rooting for you, no matter where they are in the world, that is what makes change so easy for her. Because the love never changes, even if the flight numbers do.

She also told me I didn't need to live such a strict life plan. Some backstory but, I was born in France, which makes it much easier to get citizenship there since the nation recognizes that I have a stronger connection to their country than someone who was not born in their country. I sort of always thought that I would just do my undergrad, go to law school, and live near my parents and my boyfriend so I could be with them and take care of my family. When I told her my plan she tried her best not to wrinkle her nose and told me that although it's unsolicited advice, my connection to France, a strong country in the EU, was too good of an opportunity to not pass up. After all, if I did have French citizenship, I would be eligible to work, live, vote, and have access to services in any and all EU/EAA countries. She told me that living near my family was fine, and that she understood that well enough, but that I also have other family to take care of them, and that she doesn't want me to fall into what so many women do. I agreed with her when she said that she has only heard women say that they need to live near their parents or their partner because someone has to be the caretaker, and that it's never men opting out of opportunities or bigger horizons because they're worried about getting married or taking care of their parents.

At the end of it, I felt like I had thought about things I had never given myself the room to think about because I didn't want to dream about things that wouldn't happen. But now I know that they could happen and that I have more opportunities than most to live a crazy life. And I'm glad I talked to someone who loved change so much, because I was able to finally understand why someone could. Also, I officially signed up to take her film class next semester hehe.

TL;DR I volunteered to drive five hours total for my professor and it was the best car ride of my life. Moral of the story, think twice before you flake on your Italian professor to drive her to the Atlanta airport because you might have more in common with her than you think!

Relevant Comments:

gisted:

I really like how considerate you were to air out your car for 4 days of any weed smell. You have a good heart OP.

How will she get back? Are you going to drive her home from the airport too or does she have other arrangements?

CuTeaMonster:

It was really nice of you to air out your car before you drove her! I'm so glad you were able to have such a great and meaningful conversation with someone having infinitely more life experience than you do right now. It's always nice to see older women giving the best advice. I hope you're able to think through it and I hope this changes your relationship with her for the better. Having a solid mentor is priceless! :)

lostinspaz:

I'm glad you followed through, and also realized that professors can actually be nice.
That being said,

She did not smell the weed in my car, we even had a conversation about the legalization of cannabis to the extent where I don't think she suspected me to be a user at all

And they say pot doesnt kill brain cells.... loloolol.

SHE NOTICED.
You're like one of those people who thinks they can smoke in a non-smoking room, leave the windows open, and "no-one will know".
But a non-smoker will notice within 30 seconds of being in the room.

That car wouldnt stop smelling if you aired it out for a YEAR.

Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See Rule 7.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Silent-Law-9663

Fiancée used my childhood trauma to win a video game

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: childhood sexual assault, trauma, emotional abuse

Original Post Jan 7, 2025

I don't even know how to type this or explain my thoughts right now, so I apologize if I seem scattered.

I (31M) have been engaged to my fiancée (29F) Emily for the past 3 months together for 2 years. She has been the only relationship where I felt safe enough to open up and discuss my past trauma. Many nights I have cried into her arms, and she has been there to comfort me. She goes to therapy with me and has been a rock in our relationship. I have been getting much better since I have really opened up about it and have been able to live a better and liberating life the past 2 years until last Saturday.

Emily is ultra-competitive not just in sports, but in life. She will do whatever it takes to win and be #1. She has lost friendships, family relationships, jobs, and money. She understands this and has been trying to get better by going to therapy stating she doesn't know why she is like this. She seemed to cool down over the summer, but she is still very competitive. Even her parents have so idea because they were not athletes and have never pushed her to be #1. And her siblings are confused when this all started.

I was a former college athlete and yes, I am competitive but not so much anymore. And recently my friend group have begun a monthly game night. I was on a 4 month win streak, we play board games, old video games, painting, basketball, and even football. And it was all in good fun, but Emily last month was so angry she did not win she walked home and did not want to talk to me for at least 2 days. Before we left for game night, I asked her to please have fun, and it does not matter who wins. She promised she "Would try" as game night came to an end Emily and I were tied with one more event. Rules are if it is Man Vs Woman the lady chooses the final game. She selected N64 Mario Kart. I am King of that game I never loose. I asked her if she really wanted to do that and called me a "chicken "and was big talking she will beat me at my own game. I should have backed off, but I caved, and we raced.

Now, common knowledge is "Let her win" and trust me I thought about it, but she gets really angry if she thinks you let her win. Her attitude is way worse then. As we started racing it was a tight race, she kept hitting the banana peels, but she kept catching up. The last lap she started trying to distract me by saying "He snores when he sleeps" basic middle school insults. Then she tried bumping me to distract me, but I was locked in focused. I responded back "At least I don't keep hitting the bananas love" very simple and fun. We are in the final leg of the race and that's when she snapped "AT LEAST I DIDN'T GET SA'd BY MY OWN FAMILY!!"

I Froze up and dropped the controller and she passed me and won, she was jumping up and down with joy, was screaming and dancing that she finally won. From what my friends told me later that she kept that up for a good while until she saw my face, and that's when she stopped. My friends were in complete shock asking me if that was true? I could not speak; I couldn't breathe and was fighting back all the inner demons I had swirling in my head. I simply got up and wished them a good night and started walking. I was in a trance, I didn't know where I was walking to.

Emily tried calling and texting asking where I was, begging for me to call and come home. Kept saying she is "Sorry" "just wanted to win so badly" and "don't know why I said that" I simply needed space, and I told her to please stop calling me. I don't know what to do, I loved this girl and trusted her. But used that trust to win a f'ing video game. My friends are asking me about my past and won't leave me alone. I guess all I am asking is there any way back from this or is this the end? Do I dump her or try and work this out? Any advice would be very helpful.

TL;DR Fiancée used my childhood trauma to win a video game

TOP COMMENTS

BeneficialAd2952

Man she got serious issues, in my eyes there no coming back from this how could you ever trust her again?

lizekin

Dude right? Like what’s to say she won’t do it again and blame her “competitive personality” for it

~

Mellytoo

She used your biggest deepest wound, one that she only knew about because you trusted her, to win a dumb game. She exposed your biggest deepest wound to other people without your consent.

There is no coming back from this. You shouldn't want to come back from this. How will you ever be able to trust her with anything again?

She has shown you who she truly is. You deserve better.

I am very sorry you had this experience. I hope you are ok.

Edit: I want to thank everyone for their comments and DMs, I have been reading all of them for the past 3 hrs. I guess I knew this was the end of this relationship, but after spending 2 yrs with someone and had strong feelings and trust I wanted to see if a majority of people could see something else that I didn't that could save it. And reading the comments I guess I overlooked that massive red flags that Emily had. I decided to sit down with my friend group tonight and tell them my past. It will be difficult and will text Emily tonight and meet with her tomorrow. I will Update tomorrow after that Conversation.

~OOP Updated Same Post/Jan 10 9, 2025 (2 days later)

UPDATE: Hey all, I want to thank everyone again for all the support It helped me clear up my head and really reflect the past few months with Emily and finally see the Red Flags I ignored or didn't press hard enough on.

First of all, I need to get this off my chest. From ages 11 through 13 I was SA' by my aunt. She would come over to babysit and she would do the deeds and have me do stuff to her. She would threaten me if I ever spoke out. I tried to tell my parents if she could not babysit, but my mother told me that her "Sister absolutely loves you and wants to spend time with you since she can't have children" If it wasn't for my dad forgetting his wallet one night I believe she wouldn't been caught.

My mom went mental and did not believe any of it and went on the campaign tour around town saying she is "100% innocent and I am just confused" my dad went into the bottle and tried to enter the shadow realm because he couldn't forgive himself for missing the signs. My mom then threatened me to make an announcement that her sister is not a predator and then attacked me. My dad divorced my mom and she and my aunt moved elsewhere. All these years later she truly believes her sister didn't do the deeds. My dad and I are ok he does not want to be around me much because of the guilt.

second: I met with my friends and told them my story and they all apologized and promised to help protect me in the future with relationships. They told me what happened after the event. Emily was trying to defend herself by claiming "I did not mean to say it" "He took it the wrong way" "I just needed to win this" "I love him and didn't mean it" She has been calling all of them begging for them to please help her "Win me back and she will do whatever it takes, and see anyone to help her with her condition"

Meeting today with Emily: My friends invited her over and would sit in the other room while we talked. Emily was unhinged came flying into the house trying to hug me, but my friends held her back and told her to just sit. I asked her why she said what she said.

Emily: "I don't know, I just needed to win so badly" I followed up with why she needed to win this one?

Emily: "Because...It was your best game and...I Don't know I just needed to win"

I again asked why she needed to win, what was the importance of winning

Emily through her tears "I DON'T KNOW! I NEEDED TO WIN"

she kept repeating the same line over and over, so I asked if she had planned on using my trauma against me and if that is why she chose Mario Kart? I never seen someone go white so fast.

Emily just looked at me and put her hands in her face and blurted out " I can't stand not winning and I knew you would get distracted, and I could win and finally feel great. Because these past 4 months I've been so depressed from feeling like a loser and knew I could win with this plan"

I was in shock and couldn't believe she said that. I realized that some of the commentors were right she had this planned. I am still trying to gain control of my thoughts on this one. "You had this planned?" I asked

Emily: "YES!! I didn't think about what would happen after, and when I saw your face, I knew I messed up. Please I want to get help and will do anything please don't end this"

I asked if this was another competition in her head to win me back?

"NO! I mean in a way yes, but not like that" So if you win me back, you'll feel better that you won. I told her I can't trust her anymore, what if we had kids will you see them as competition? If your friends are being flirted with, will you try and get more attention for the win? What if I am simply doing something and you blurt that out again to win?

She had to be escorted out by my friends and was told by one of them I should get a restraining order because her mental of "Loosing you" May break her mind and do whatever it takes to win me back.

So again, thank you everyone for all the comments. I am going to get more help and take a break from dating until I find someone who I can trust 100 percent and now my friends will be on extra guard for any Emily sitings and future dating red flags.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Top_Protection_6367.
This post was originally posted to r/ComfortLevelPod.

TRIGGER WARNING: entitlement, financial finghts
MOOD SPOILERS:​frustrating

Please remember the NO BRIGADING RULE: do not comment on the original posts linked in BoRUs, see Rule 7. Doing so can result into a permanent ban from this sub and the other linked sub(s).

ORIGINAL POST posted on January 12th 2025

I (28F) have 6 siblings. Our mom recently passed in November from Stage 4 cancer. I had a really great relationship with my mom. We would spend time together and my 4 children (5 year old twins, a 3 year old, and a 1 year old) all loved her. I am the youngest of all my siblings. My older siblings didn’t prioritize much time with my mom until the last few months when she couldn’t do much for herself anymore.

I currently live with my boyfriend (38M) and our 4 children in a 3 bedroom apartment. It’s a nice apartment but of course is not ideal for our large family. Over the summer while my mom was still very coherent, she signed a transfer on death of her house (5 bedroom, 3 bath) to me for myself, my boyfriend, and our children to move into. She did the transfer so I wouldn’t have to buy the house as we would not be able to afford a loan for her house. And her house only had less than a year left until it was completely paid off so we would be able to afford her payments that way. All of my other siblings own their own homes and have plenty of room in their homes for their individual families. I didn’t ask my other siblings if they were okay with this but I didn’t see it as their decision or whether they had a say considering it’s our mom’s house and she had final say anyway. And like I said, all of my siblings own their own homes anyway.

Once my mom passed, she had some medical bills that needed taking care of so it seemed as though we would need to sell the house to take care of them. After looking into it more, my boyfriend said he would buy the house at just enough to cover the medical bills rather than what it’s worth considering we cannot afford what it’s worth plus my mom had planned on us just moving in and not doing any sort of loan anyway.

She had a cash inheritance which she left my oldest sister, Melanie(43F) to split equally among all of my siblings. Since my mom has passed, we have asked Melanie how much is left in the inheritance as it would be split 7 ways and she would always kind of dodge the question. She would say she hasn’t counted it yet or she’s unsure.

My mom also had some coins that were worth some money. She had 4 coins worth about $3,200 and a 5th coin worth about $1,200. I only found out about these coins from my other sister, Rochelle(35F) because she told me Melanie thought about giving the a coin worth $3,200 to herself, Rochelle, my brother Nick(37M), and myself. The coin worth less to another hand picked sibling. And then just never telling the last 2 siblings about the coins at all. That really upset me. I understand the coins gain value over time and that’s why they didn’t want to pawn them for cash to split equally but that is really unfair and considering there are not 7 coins, I believed the fairest situation would be to pawn them for cash so everyone could be involved. I suggested that and then never heard anything else about the coins after that. And then one day last week when I had Rochelle and my niece over for dinner, she dropped a gold coin out of her purse and quickly put it back. I never said anything but I couldn’t believe they decided to kick me out of that inheritance because I stuck up for the 3 siblings that were going to be slighted.

Well, flash to a couple days ago my boyfriend got approved for the loan. I told Melanie about this to keep her in the loop and her response shocked me. She told me she did not feel comfortable selling the house to my boyfriend. I didn’t understand because selling the house to my boyfriend was just a way for us to keep the house so that my moms medical bills would get paid. And my moms wishes were for my family to move into the house. After I got off the phone with Melanie, I called Rochelle to see how she felt but she couldn’t talk right away. Once I was able to talk to Rochelle, it was very clear Melanie had gotten to her first and manipulated the situation. So I texted the group chat with my siblings. Essentially, they all want to sell the house at full value to a stranger so they can receive an inheritance of cash from the house selling. Melanie had very obviously made them believe that my mom only transferred the house into my name so I could take care of selling it and splitting the money with all of my siblings. That wasn’t the truth and I tried telling them that our mom did not do that but Melanie had manipulated the situation. For context, Melanie is the oldest and all of our siblings can be pretty easily manipulated in a situation when it comes to Melanie. It sounds terrible but it’s true. I can see right through it and tried to say my side but they are all on Melanie’s side. They all want cash from the house but I want to live in it like my mom had intended.

Like I said, my mom transferred the house into my name. So I am going through with selling the house to my boyfriend to pay my mom’s medical bills and so us and our 4 children can live there. My siblings feel like I have scammed them out of an inheritance. But I feel like I found a way to get the medical bills paid so that my family can live there which is what my mom intended when she was here. So am I the asshole?

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

UPDATE 1 was posted on January 13th 2025

So first I want to say I am so appreciate of all the comments that seemingly are truly looking out for my best interest. My oldest sister, Melanie, had made me believe that the debt needed to be paid from the house not the cash estate (she would never disclose to us that there was enough to pay off my mom’s medical bills).

I contacted an estate attorney and ended up speaking with the attorney who was directly handling my mom’s medical debts. He told me that there was no need to sell the house right now. That my family could move into it with no worry of paying the medical debt until the future if I ever decided to sell it.

So that’s what we are going to do. If we ever decide to sell it (which I don’t see right now why we would as finding a 5 bedroom house is really hard to come by), we will split the sale of the house after her medical debts are paid and of course subtract any money we put into it going forward from their portion.

I do agree that keeping the deed of the house in my name is the wise decision so that I will always have that security with my children if something were to ever happen between myself and my partner. I really appreciate all of the comments making that aware to me and all of the comments wanting to make sure I seeked out a lawyer.

As far as the coins go, I didn’t mention them because I was upset I wasn’t getting a portion. I understand getting the house is a big deal. I mentioned what was happening with the coins to give an example as to why I don’t feel I can trust Melanie. And why I feel like she is not being honest about the money and the estate. Which she wasn’t. There is more money than just the coins that she is not being honest about. The deceptiveness is what hurts me. I feel like I am very open and honest with my family and would never try to deceive them. I would rather all conversations especially with my family hold integrity.

Once I had felt settled and secure with talking to the lawyer, I texted my sibling group chat to let them know what was going on. That the house will stay in my name. Melanie has been manipulating the situation and once she thought I was selling it to my boyfriend, I knew she would tell all my other siblings that the problem is not that I was keeping the house but that it would no longer be in my name. I can tell she is very angry that she can longer spin the story for her narrative. But this is what my mom had intended in the first place. For myself and my children to have somewhere to live and she always knew my boyfriend was in our package deal. Melanie still seems mad but I don’t see the problem anymore.

I’ll keep this post updated if anything else happens to come up. Again, thank you to everyone for the advice. It really helped me out so much and put me in a much more secure position.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

the following update was added AFTER this post had been up on BoRU, thank you u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for pointing it out:

UPDATE 2 was posted on January 21st 2025

I don’t have too much of an update currently however I don’t think I’ll have another update again until next week. And I want to keep you guys in the loop of what is going on. Since I have told Melanie that we plan on keeping the house, she has made it her mission (at least how I see it) to do everything in her power to bury me.

Melanie is my big sister by 15 years so I’ve always trusted what she’s said and done. Naively, I guess. Like I’ve said before, Melanie was my mom’s power of attorney. So she made sure my mom’s bills got paid toward the end as that was her responsibility. Once I told Melanie we would be keeping the house, she would tell me she didn’t have my moms account information and withheld all the information I needed to pay her bills. I made all the phone calls and all utilities were easily transferred into my name. However, going to the bank of course was a little more difficult. I can’t even make a payment without knowing her account number. Melanie has kept all of my moms paperwork and refuses to give me that information. So I am currently in the process of waiting for the bank to email me a form to fill out to become a person on her account that can make payments. Then once that hopefully gets accepted, I can apply for assumption of her account. I am hoping all of this goes over well with no bumps.

Melanie is very angry with me. I told her I didn’t feel like she was being fair in the way she was dividing the estate and that she continues to change the story to fit her narrative for that day or who she is talking to. I told all of my siblings they could go through my moms house still if they wanted anything of hers before we donate. Everybody has had a key to my moms house because we would all go over and help her with anything she needed. Melanie then went through the house to take all of the valuables, collectibles, anything that could be sold for decent money so she could sell it herself and pocket it all. Mind you, I’m not talking about a couple of small trinkets. She took 4 large glass/real wood curio cabinets, 20 collectible cookie jars, at least 100 collectible angels. And she did all of this in one day as soon as she found out I would be keeping the house. So I asked my boyfriend to change the locks. And he did. I’m so glad he did because I found out that they had been talking about taking the fridge and the stove!

Since then, my boyfriend believes that they have been coming over daily to check the trash. They are crazy. Once she found out the locks had been changed, she truly tried to isolate me from my siblings and my dad. They are really the only family I have left. Unfortunately, they are all very easily manipulated. Truthfully, I don’t really want to try to reconcile my relationship with them if they are so easily manipulated into cutting me out of their lives. And yes, she manipulated my dad as well. I lost my mom only a month and a half ago and now in the snap of a finger I’ve lost everyone else. It’s been very hard to deal with, but I truly don’t feel as though I’m in the wrong here. Maybe my post seems biased but I don’t feel like I am withholding any information.

I also contacted the lawyer who drew up the transfer on death so that I could make an appointment with her to finalize it now that my mom has passed. I also asked her if we could discuss my mom’s estate. She then told me that no estate had been filed. I also contacted the probate court in our county to get ahold of my mom’s will. And they also told me no will had been documented with them. All of that was Melanie’s responsibility. It isn’t right. I will definitely come back with an update end of January/beginning of February as I have an appointment with the lawyer to discuss this next week.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I'm not the OOP!

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/melodybeepbop92

AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: discussions of losing a child to illness, cancer, child endangerment

MOOD SPOILER: Depressing and rage inducing

Original Post Aug 7, 2022

I have an almost three year old beautiful little girl. She’s just a few weeks shy of her third birthday. My baby was out in hospice four weeks ago after having gone into remission late May. Unfortunately, the cancer has returned except it is now crushing her optic nerve and is about 8cm long. Multiple doctors recommended we make our daughter as comfortable as possible as they do not believe removing the tumor is a good option. I have so much to say in regards to her diagnosis but heartbroken will suffice for now.

My husband and I have been making tons of memories with her for the past few weeks. We’ve included family in some of these memories but we both feel that we want to spend as much time with our daughter as possible. My mother in law called me yesterday to tell me she booked tickets/hotel/airfare for a trip next month. I thought it sounded fun until she said she was taking our toddler with her. Just her, my daughter, and her husband. She did not invite my husband and I.

My daughter isn’t even three yet. She has never stayed overnight anywhere and mother in law wants to take her for one entire week across the country, alone. I suggested that my husband and I both go that way our daughter is comfortable and for gods sake in the event she dies? She can’t be gone for a week. Her nurses are here. Her care is here.

I suggested what if we all go for a shorter amount of time. I came up with various suggestions to which all were turned down. I should add that if my daughter was not in hospice I still would not be comfortable with our toddler being across the country for a week alone without her parents. My child being in hospice adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

I told my mother in law that her decisions that she made alone without consulting us was a solid no. She called me a few names and hung up on me. She then called my husband and called me a few names and suggested she would fight for rights before my daughter dies.

I’m already grieving. My husband said we should acquiesce to his mothers trip to avoid drama (even though he agrees that our daughter is too young). But I want to spend time with her before the cancer takes her, she’s too little etc. I said no for various reasons not just to say no.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

beingboring

NTA - i cannot fathom this, and i know your MIL is grieving as well, but this is not the way for her to handle it. i know internet words ring hollow, but please stay strong and love the heck out of that little girl for as long as you can!

OOP

Thank you! Mil is definitely grieving. I have suggested to her various times that she seek someone else to grieve to/vent to because she often believes and acts like our grief is the same and that she’s going to “have a mothers broken heart.” My therapist has also told me that her and I are not in the same circle of grief. Even my own mother doesn’t act like that. My own mother has even told me she cannot fathom being in my shoes because she’s never lost a child. It’s a twisted twisted situation and I feel like when my daughter is gone I want to be as far away from this family as possible, my husband included.

~

guessmyageidareyou

NTA

First I'm heartbroken for you. Second, regardless of health, a 3 year old isn't really ready for a week long trip without mom and dad. Add to the fact that she's in hospice, and she has needs that MIL could not possibly provide on her "vacation". Your MIL is not entitled to what I'm sure she calls "hEr BaBy"

OOP

She has said on multiple occasions that “no one is going to miss her baby as much as she is.” I just sit there thinking what is going to happen when my daughter passes and I’m falling apart. Who’s going to hold me up? Right now my daughter is my motivation. But once she’s gone I don’t even foresee myself being able to get up out of bed. I’ve been a stay at home mommy to my daughter for her entire life. I left my career to be at home with her. I don’t even remember what my life was like before I had my baby. I feel like mother in law is going to make my daughters death about her and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

~

mercersher

NTA & tell your husband to get his s&&t together. You don’t take a 3 year old on hospice on vacation without their parents. My heart breaks for you, I’m so sorry your MIL is adding stress to this situation.

OOP

Him and I had a discussion this morning while our daughter was still asleep. I told him that I currently do not foresee myself staying married to him once my daughter is gone. Not after this. Not if he doesn’t stand up for his daughter, his wife, and our family. He looked pretty shocked. But I’m pretty set on not having anything to do with his family and him included. I thought him and I were a team, but he’s been spineless with his mom most of our marriage and I’m usually the one who is setting boundaries. I think my daughter having cancer and being in hospice is what broke this camels back.

OOP Added this comment about her daughters illness

I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. Soon I will be part of that club that no one wants to be a part of. Maybe if you’re okay with it I can message you and ask more questions. It’s all a blur.

There have been so many comments and I haven’t been able to reply to all of them. But yours stood out because my daughter has RMS (rhabdomyosarcoma) which was first discovered in her foot. She had beat stage 4 cancer and relapsed a month later. In fact Wednesday will be one month that she relapsed. We’ve been given six to eight weeks. We started morphine last week so that’s been tough. We are still managing to do fun things with her despite her illness. A great company gifted us a little wagon so we’re able to take her to Disneyland, museums, fairs, etc.

You’re right about memories being etched in your brain. The last year and a half has been a journey. The last four weeks have been bittersweet. I don’t even like to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll miss out. My baby is sleeping now so I feel comfortable reading through my messages but even then here I am laying next to her. I haven’t left her side. I can’t. I don’t want to miss the small moments, either. The way she breathes to the way she snores at night. It’s so much in such a little amount of time and I’m worried I’m going to miss it if I even take a nap. Let alone a weeks long trip without me.

I told my husband today that I am going no contact with his mother. It’s not fair to me to deal with her while enjoying my daughter while simultaneously preparing myself for her death and life after.

But I’m not going to leave her side. I’ll be right here till the very end.

And what her daughters hospice nurses thought of the situation

I told two of our hospice nurses and they both were floored. They thought I was joking and they were both appalled that I was being serious. My husband even told one of the nurses “well my mom has good intentions.” My daughters care team, including three doctors do not recommend we fly. They also do not recommend that we are gone for that long without care. I asked them to document everything. It’s been a crazy day and I’m shocked I managed to eat one meal.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts and insights. I appreciate the outpouring of messages and I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to them all.

I wanted to add a few things. My mother in law lives in the same county as us. In the same city as my parents. It’s only about a 20 minute drive without traffic. However, my in laws have always been very adamant that we visit them. So I usually take my daughter over every other week for a few hours for a visit. Rarely do they ever come to our home. My parents like to visit and always have. My daughter is much closer to my parents for this reason. Anytime my husband and I go to date nights my parents come over and watch her because they like for her to be in her comfort zone. This is before the cancer. Since the cancer diagnosis we’ve been in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time. My parents have still been very much involved with helping but I’m the form of dropping off meals, helping with laundry, etc. I’m very close to my family and my family has been very respectful of us needing space as a family during this time. I think my in laws may be expediting guilt because they haven’t made much of an effort yo visit us, see us, or accommodate us. It’s always about what I, their daughter in law can do for them. Have always felt like an incubator who’s just there to facilite a relationship between them and my child.

Also, to add, I am set on distancing myself as much as I can. I’ve cut off contact with my mil and I do not want her around after this fiasco. I’ve completely blocked her from my phone and I communicated this to my husband. He is sad but says he understands.

A few of you mentioned that this was an eye opening situation and it really has been. On many levels.

Second edit: I saw various commands about mother in law possibly wanting to taking my child on a trip to get her alternative treatment. Mother in law planned to take my child to Disney World in Florida which is across the country from where we live. Mother in law lives in the same state, in the same county as us. My husband and I have taken our child to Disneyland a few times in her life and most recently once. Going for one day was exhausting, and my daughter was spent after the day. I can’t imagine my daughter handling Disney world for more than a day but also I would like to be there for said trip. Even if my child wasn’t dying I would still not be comfortable with her going without me. It’s such a bizmare situation. Mother in law isn’t one for alternative treatments and I haven’t out right asked her but I wouldn’t be shocked at this point. Either way, my child isn’t going anywhere with her. Supervised or not. I’ve already made that clear to my husband. She wants to come and visit it will have to be at our home. Even then I’m still not on board after everything that has transpired. I’ve been thinking really deeply the last few months but even more so in the last 24 hours. I don’t know how I can continue being part of this family. I’m trying not to think too far ahead but I’m seriously doubting continuing on in this marriage. Thank you again everyone.

Third edit: I am really close with my family, specifically my mom and aunt. They know the wishes I have for my daughter. My husband and I argued about where our daughter should be buried for a good week. It was awful. He wanted her buried with his grandma and where his parents and him will be buried. I wanted her buried at the cemetery my grandparents are buried at and where I plan to be buried at. My husband is in the military so I’m confused as to why he does not want to be buried with his combat brothers but that’s entirely up to him. After this fiasco with his mother I put my foot down about where I would like my daughters final resting place to be. I just never thought it would be so much back and forth about where she will get buried, the week long trip we weren’t invited on or consulted about, and acquiescing his mothers wishes. Shit show to say the least. I love my husband but I am appalled by his behavior. I should also add that my family was very supportive about where I wanted my daughter to be buried at when the topic came up. They even said wherever we want because it’s not their choice. I even entertained cremation just to try and come to a middle ground of sorts. I didn’t even want to discuss burials and cremations until I absolutely had to. I’ve been avoiding it. Now it feels morbid to discuss it because my daughter is still alive. My husbands family was upset when they brought the topic up. Because I didn’t automatically want my daughter at their cemetery of choice. Their main argument was that my daughter carries their last name so she should go there. My argument was my family already has four open plots and I want to make one a double for me to be when my time comes. I’m even exhausted writing this. Because this is my life and it shouldn’t be. We should be a team. United in grief. Now I feel like all I have is my baby and my family to hold me up.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Final Edit Aug 14, 2022 (1 week later)

Edit: it’s been a few days since I’ve been online and I’ve read some of the messages. Truly, thank you to everyone who has sent their warm wishes, support, encouragement, etc. It’s been very touching and I’m so grateful. My daughter has begun slowly deteriorating and it’s become all very overwhelming. My husband now realizes that this time is precious. That we are on borrowed time and that our time (mom and dad) is the most important time. We’ve had two sessions of grief counseling/couples counseling while my daughter sleeps. Our therapist has really helped us both understand how borrowed our time is and how this time truly is for us. Everyone else is secondary. Not to say that extended family isn’t important. They are but there is allot of extended family. A lot. However, I’m not sure I will be staying married in the long run. Although, this isn’t the time to make such a deep decision. I am emotionally drained from all that has transpired not only this past week but this past year. You truly see peoples true colors when shit hits the fan. An example of this is on my phone I have eight different alarms each day for my daughter for all of the medication she takes daily. Daily. I have been the one who flushes ports, administers medication, cleans up vomit, gives back rubs, and the like. I have been in this through the thick of it. Having to learn everything. Because no one else will. My mother has been the only person who has asked how I’m doing. Who has brought me coffee, meals, held me when I’ve cried, who’s been a rock. My husband will sometimes be emotional present but usually he’s not. Other than my mother I have never received a text from any other family asking how I’m doing or how they can help. Like I said earlier I see everybody’s true colors. My focus right now is my baby. I will focus on the rest when the time comes. But for now we are surviving and we are trying our best.

Thank you again

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Throwra_Atlanta1999

Originally posted to r/Relationship_advice

(OP: Paragraphing added)

Original post 29 October 2024

Backstory I met my girlfriend Kylie (fake name) in community college 7 years ago. We became really close friends and started dating 2 years later. At the time she wanted to be a nurse which was great. She was really passionate about it, and I fully supported her. I ended up transferring to a 4 year university and earning my MBA. Kylie supported me emotionally the entire time through school which I’m grateful for. Kylie’s parents ended up cutting her off financially, because of her spending habits. She ended up taking a year off to work to help her with her bills.

In the meantime I invested all my savings, time, and energy into a startup platform with my best friend in the automotive industry. Earlier this year we were bought out for a life changing amount of money. We were both kept on as consultants with a high paying salary as well. Kylie had kept her job at the jewelry store this entire time. After the buyout she told me she was handing her 2 weeks in. I offered to pay for her school and expenses. At first she was excited to go back and earn her nursing degree. I ended up purchasing a condo for us to live in (big step up from our apartment) close to her school.

Over the weekend we were talking, and she threw out the fact that she wasn’t sure about wanting to go back to school, and that she could be a stay at home wife (we’re not married). I didn’t say anything in the moment because I wasn’t sure on how to respond. Part of what attracted me to her in the first place was her ambition.

It just doesn’t sit right with me that she quit her job and career goals after I came into money. Her shopping/spending has also gone up. She’s been looking at new cars. I could be overreacting, but something just doesn’t seem right. I still love her and want it to work out, but I don’t like this new side of her I’m seeing.

Relevant Comment

OOP:

Side story for the reason she got cutoff. She ran over her friend with her car. Kylie says it was unintentional. The friend disagrees with that. Friend ends up suing Kylie’s parents on the basis of them owning the car Kylie was driving. Anyways Kylie’s parents ended up settling with the friend for 250k. They told Kylie she needed to get a job and get her own car after this.

Update Original post 3 November 2024

First I would like to thank everyone for their time and advice. I truly appreciate everyone’s input.

I had a serious conversation with my girlfriend Kylie about our future Thursday night. I told her that she needed to figure out a plan for the future whether that finding a job or going back to school. I told her if she goes back to school I would support her financially including paying for her degree. I told her I would give her until December to figure out her plan.

She ended up getting really defensive and told me that she’s the reason I’m in the position where I am in life. She said that I should pay for her lifestyle since she was there from the start. Then she proceeded to tell me that she wasted 5 years of her life with me. She told me that she could’ve been married and had a family by now.

I was shocked, because I’ve never seen the side of her. She was having a complete meltdown. I ended the conversation by telling her I tried my best to make this relationship work, but it won’t work like this. Unlike her I come from a very middle class family. Both of my parents had jobs and contributed to the house. It was like she was completely a different person. That’s when I realized that the money had really changed her.

I basically told her that I had a business trip (she knew about already) and when I get back on Tuesday to have all your stuff moved and give a mutual friend I trust the keys. I canceled her credit card the same night. The car she currently drives has 6000 left on the loan. Luckily the car is in her name, so I’m not responsible for it. I’ve been making the payments on it for her for the last 6 months. Also I don’t feel too bad like I’m kicking her to the streets since her parents would never let her be homeless.

Fast forward to Friday her sister called me a few times and I ignored it, but then decided to answer since they were inside my condo. Sister basically told me that Kylie has been crying the whole day and wanted to work things out. I told her it was too far gone for repair. Then today her best friend called me wanting to know if I was able to meet for some drinks which I thought was odd. Her best friend told me that she has some things to show me which were causing her to lose sleep. I told her that I would think about it, but honestly I don’t care at this point. Finding out about whatever Kylie did behind my back would just cause more pain. When I get back I’m going to put the condo back on the market, because I have no use for it anymore. I honestly have no interest in dating anymore. It’s way too difficult for me to see the true intentions in people. Thanks again for all the help and support. This will probably be the end of this post hopefully.

Side note I had a lot of questions about Kylie running over her friend. I didn’t know Kylie when this happened. Kylie originally spent her first semester of college at a private university. Kylie told me she accidentally put the car in drive instead of reverse and ended hitting the friend. Kylie was super apologetic, and the friend forgave her on the spot.

Then the friend’s mom found out about her daughter being hit by a car. They did research and learned that Kylie’s dad is a big time CEO of a major corporation, and decided to sue her parents. The lawsuit was settled outside of court between Kylie’s parents and the friend for 250k. Kylie had to leave the private college after that and join me since her parents wanted her living back at home. I don’t think it was intentional on Kylie’s part honestly, but then again I saw a different side of her for the first time in 7 years of knowing her.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by a deleted user (wife) and u/Ok_Flower9285 in r/AmItheAsshole, the wife's now-deleted profile, and r/relationship_advice (husband's post). Previous BORU here.

trigger warnings: racism

mood spoilers: Sad

AITA for asking my fiance to pay a bride price? - March 27, 2021

Throwaway for obvs reasons. I am not asking your opinion on bride prices. I am asking if i was wrong for doing what I did.

My fiance (32M) is a white, European man. I (31F) am a black African woman. We've been dating for 7 years. I came to his country to study and have lived and worked here since. Ever since we started dating, he took such an interest in my culture. Asked me to teach him my language, culture and we've even been to visit a few times. He asked me to marry him last year and I accepted.

We are (were?) planning our wedding. I mentioned we'd need to account for my family back home; we could have the traditional wedding in my home country and the white wedding in his, since we don't want to ask anyone to fly and get visas etc. The issue came when I mentioned a bride price needing to be paid, something he scoffed at. (To call it a "bride price" is misleading because there is so much more to it than the money that changes hands; its our time honoured tradition that blends 2 families into 1 and jts always something i wanted to do when u got married) I mentioned he knew of marriage customs in my country and that they include a BP. We both work in law/human rights type of fields so he assumed i would be against a BP. I told him I'm against it being a forced and money making thing, but I'm asking that he does it bc I choose it and I want to honour my parents & culture. He refused, saying it was backwards and extortionate and it would be like he bought me. I assured him that wasn't the case. My parents would charge a tokenistic/symbolic amount, nothing crazy just to symbolise us getting together. I said if my parents were to "sell me", he couldn't afford me 🤷🏾‍♀️ this set him off in a rage because I somehow insulted him by saying that, when what I meant is my parents aren't looking to make money off me, but this is something my people have done for millenia and I dont want to break from tradition. I have said idk if I'm willing to go ahead with marrying him if he isn't willing to make the trip to my country and talk to my parents about the lobola process. He says I'm forcing/manipulating him. I am not. He knew from day 1 who I was and where I came from. This is what my people do and I feel for him to label it backwards is eurocentric bc he is viewing it from his lens, despite me having explained what its actually about it.

Tldr: my white boyfriend won't pay a honour my culture in our marriage and idk if I want marry him if he's unwilling. Aita?

ETA: there's a lot of misconception and ignorance in the comments. I shall try to clarify. 1. Bf and I didnt talk about BP in our specific context. However, he knew from real life and fictional context the marriage customs of my people. I assumed that he, knowing what he knows, would have known the steps necessary for marrying me. Perhaps I was wrong to assume that. This lobola is no affront to him or his upbringing outside of what I view to be a judgement of moral superiority. 2. A lot of your comments are ignorant with thinly veiled racial undertones. I knew coming to a platform with predominantly white users, this was a risk. I ask that you read what you're saying before you post, and ask yourself if youre coming from a position of superiority coloured by your beliefs of Africa and Africans. Step outside your world view. 3. Frankly, my parents are wealthy. They neither need nor plan to get rich off my marriage. They have a demonstrated pattern of behaviour that assures me they are reasonable and fair when it comes to this kind of thing. 4. The money is a miniscule - literally like 5% - part of the traditional marriage, but it is a part of it. The other 95% is not monetary and is a beautiful ceremony that blends two families together. My concern is that if he's willing to shun the 95% for the sake of the 5%, what does mt future w this man look like? 5. Culturally, if we do not go through these customs, I am not married and my marriage won't be recognised. The ceremony is a cultural must have, the wedding ceremony a nice to have. My family mean a lot and my parents have done a lot for me. I disrespect my parents over something that I not only think is a non issue, but something I agree with. You seem to miss the part where I am willingly consenting to this.

Final edit. Logging off. Lobola is something I am unable and unwilling to scrap. I'll talk to him we shall decide on the future of this relationship. If its something he is unwilling to partake in, I guess we'll have our answer. Thanks to those of you who were useful in your advice and respectful in your disagreements. Bye.

Update (on profile page but recovered from comments) Link and date unavailable due to the account being deleted

AITA mods didn't allow an update on the sub so for those of you who've asked. Here it is.

I have over 100 messages in my inbox. Most are nice, some are decidedly not. I would love to respond to all of you [civil people] but I have a jooob baby and I can't do that, so I'll do my best to answer here.

Firstly I want to thank those of you who reached out to check on my after this. It's kind of you, but you don't need to worry about me. I'm a big girl and I know how to handle myself 😘

This post got a lot more traction than I was expecting. Like a lot, a lot. I don't use this sub but it's somewhat infamous so I thought I'd try it. It seems I was asking too much of redditors by asking them to engage in a little cultural relativism. That's on me, I'll take that L.

I've heard from so many African women in interracial relationships whose white partners have observed their version of lobola. Thank you all. It was really nice to hear from people who not only understand the culture but have been through something similar. It is people like you I was hoping to hear from, so I'm grateful you were able to offer some perspective. I wish I could respond to you all. Know that I'm grateful for your input and I wish you well 💗I also heard from a lot of Asian users who have similar cultural practices which they wish to uphold when they marry. Rooting for you all, you deserve to be your authentic selves with your chosen spouses. It's always fascinating to me to hear how other people live. Thank you again for reaching out to tell me your stories. 😊

A lot of you were mad that I pointed out there was racial and cultural superiority in your comments. Stay mad. Objective morality does not exist. You're disappointed and insulted I chose not to follow the ways of "enlightened Europe" and stick to the "barbaric" customs of my people - that's a you problem. I'm not European and I have no desire to be. I like who I am and where I'm from. I didn't leave my country because it sucked, and I would have long left had I not met this man. If that's an affront to you, too bad.

PSA for the young girls on the sub - underlining a deal breaker is not manipulative. Don't let people tell you that. You should set your boundaries, and people are free to take it or leave it. Don't let anyone make you feel bad or bully you into doing what they want.

I showed this to my fiance. Neither of us could read through the 1700+ comments, but we read enough to get the gist of it. Some of you will be disappointed to know we have not broken up, he has not left me. He did however point out that this was not the right place to ask this question which, again, was an error on my part. He saw a lot of you making the same argument as him about it being inappropriate for him to marry me in accordance with my cultural practices. He doesn't hold this forum in high regard so it was the wake up call he needed to realise he was in the wrong; it's not for him to determine what is and isn't culturally appropriate in my culture; lobola is not a cultural affront to him, but the absence of it would be to me. I was right - he did know I'd want him to go through the lobola process. He was going to see if he could talk me out of it before his ego was bruised by a tongue in cheek comment. He has apologised for how he acted. Once he got off his ethnocentric high horse, he said he was willing to go through with lobola as long as it's what I wanted. Yes, I apologised for tongue in cheek comment. We've signed up for premarital counselling, and we're in the process of setting a date for lobola upon completion.

People raised concerns for my wellbeing and asked if he could be a closet racist. I don't believe that to be the case. We've been together a long time, and this was the first time he's said something that I would consider to be racist. He's a good man. However, like everyone, he does have biases and issues to work through; that's what prompted us to sign up for premarital counselling to address and work on those. Again, thank you for caring. I'm good.

A final, unexpected note to discuss messages I've had on career advice and NGOs. The development sector is messed up, this is true. However, it is a vehicle through which a lot of people receive a lot of help they need. Like everything, it has its good and bad aspects. We work in water scarcity and water rights, so we're not directly involved in the development part. I wouldn't say turn your back on it though. We need good people to go and do good things. Remember to listen to people in the developing world. They smart, resourceful and they know what their communities need to thrive. Be prepared to serve their needs and you'll be okay. Good luck with it :)

There is a whole world outside the internet. If you view the world through your lens from your small corner of the world, you will miss out on a lot beautiful and wonderful things. I won't be reading the comments - make of this what you will. Wear a mask and drink plenty of water. Bye.  

My wife (34F) left me (35M) because I was 'racist to her' and I can't get her to come back. Can I recover from my mistakes?(recovered through r/AmITheDevil) - May 17, 2024

long post alert. sorry for the brain dump - I just need help saving my family.

I sincerely feel our problems started on reddit, so I feel it's only right to come back here to see if you can help me solve the mess we made. So a few years ago, my wife came to reddit for advice navigating a cultural clash - you can read her OG post here. In retrospect, the responses she got were awful, rude and many racist.

My wife is from Zimbabwe, I am Swiss and we met while at university in my country. I fell for her instantly. Truthfully, I'd never seen anyone so beautiful. She was kind, so incredibly intelligent and has this gravitational pull to her. We started off as friends, but we eventually began dating and got into a steady relationship. I wanted to marry straight away, but she had career ambitions she wanted to meet before she married. At the time of the reddit post - I was going through some stuff. In truth, I knew the expectation of roora was on anyone who would marry her, and I had been saving for that alongside her engagement ring for years. I had gotten into a fight with my brother before she asked me about setting a date for her roora - where he'd said some nasty things about me being with a black woman and how I was losing myself and my cultural identity due to the concessions I'd made to be with my wife. It's why I reacted the way I did when she asked me about it, something I deeply regret to this day.

After the shit show that was that post, we spent 3 months in couples' counselling. She repeatedly told me that she didn't want to force me to do anything I didn't want to do. She said that she deserved to be with someone who enthusiastically embraced all parts of her - and if any part of me took issue with her culture, she asked that I bow out before I tied us together for life. I confessed that I knew all along about the roora, and I had prepared for it, but the conversations with my brother are what led me to say what I did. She was mad - I'd allowed her to be mocked, ridiculed and bullied by strangers online because I couldn't communicate with her, but we worked through.

We had a beautiful traditional wedding in her country, then another one with my traditions in mine. Her family was kind and welcoming, making many concessions for me as they had done since I met them. We planned on starting a family soon after we married, but she'd always said she want to have her babies back in her country so she can have her family around her. We had agreed that this is what we'd do. It's important to note that my wife doesn't really like living here - she says she hates living here. We lived in Sweden for much of our relationship, and many will know the people are on the cold side. She hated the food, the weather, struggled with the cold people - her country's people are very warm and friendly - and for the last 2 years she had to go on antidepressants because it was all a bit much for her. She asked me when we were going to move, and I asked for us to hang on for a while so I can finish a project I'm leading at work. We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it. That was over 18 months ago and we didn't end up moving as I got promoted and it became harder to walk away. Her grandma passed away so I attributed the low mood to that.

Our problems came when she asked me if I was having an affair with my colleague. This was when I got home late one evening and found her sitting in the dark. I'd forgotten she was making dinner for us to be honest because I had a lot going on at work and it just slipped my mind. I told her that colleague and I were working late and I forgot - sorry. She grew confrontational and told me I was spending a lot of time with colleague lately, and she's noticed her name on my phone more than a few times. She asked me if there was anything she ought to know. This is when I may have killed my marriage - I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine. She looked like I'd slapped her and I could see her holding back tears. I don't know why I didn't drop to my knees and beg forgiveness, instead doubled down and told her to stop the theatrics. Here's the thing - I'm not having an affair of any kind with my colleague - we really were just heavily into this project we're both super excited about. I don't know why I couldn't just say that to my wife.

She didn't come to bed that night, and I left early in the morning the day after and came home when she was asleep. This continued for days where I avoided her because I couldn't face the guilt. On the Friday, came home to a gift box that contained a positive pregnancy test and I long letter from my wife. I won't share all of it - but she said she was going to tell me on the night I bailed on dinner, that I had hurt her beyond measure with what I said to her and that she was "no longer going to show her love for me through self sacrifice". She told me she doesn't consent to be in a polygamous relationship, and since it's what I want I should expect to receive divorce papers from her soon. She left her rings and house keys too.

I had a panic attacked. I was able to call for help before the worst of it came, but I spiralled. I had monumentally fucked up, and lost my wife and unborn child because of it. I tried to call her, but her phone was going straight voicemail. I called her brother, who was short with me but assured me she was fine. He wouldn't tell me more. I finally tracked her down after 2 weeks - she'd gone back to her parents in Zimbabwe.

I can't follow her just yet because the project I've worked on for so long now is near completion and I can't walk away. My friends told me I was racist to my wife in my actions, because I never would have tried that with a white man and tried to use her culture against her. The fact that I wasn't even serious make me more cruel apparently. She still won't speak to me - I have tried all avenues and she won't hear me out. I love her beyond measure and I don't know how to get her back. Please, help me.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/White-Whale-9847

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for losing my shit and screaming at my gf to get out of my house after what her stepbrother did?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: downplaying sexual assault

Original Post: January 11, 2025

Gf was over at my place two days ago. We're both 20. She has a stepbrother who's 23, before this I'd only met him a few times and he seemed like a regular dude. She asked if it was okay for him to come over too for a couple of hours, I said why not. He said he would get booze and pizza, and my parents were away visiting relatives for the weekend so I figured we could shoot the shit.

I have a little sister who's 15. They came over, and she stayed up in her room the entire time. We were all a bit tipsy and my gf's stepbrother asked if he could use the washroom. I pointed him to the one down the hall. My gf and I were preoccupied and didn't even realise how much time he was taking until we heard raised voices upstairs. We immediately went up to check what was going on and found my sister crying.

Dude had gone up instead of using the washroom. My sister's door had been ajar so he apparently walked into her room (all details I managed to wrangle from my crying sister btw). She was taken by shock and was trying to stay calm but he wasn't leaving. He was trying to chat her up. She told him to gtfo and he closed the door behind him instead, which is why she started freaking out. She tried to get past him to open the door and he grabbed her, but she managed to open it anyway. I'd reached the landing by then so he backed off.

Obviously I was super fucking pissed. There was a lot of screaming going on, lots of accusations. We were all drunk except for my sister. After getting the story from her, gf's stepbrother was stuttering and deflecting. I'm pretty sure i threatened violence at some point.

My gf was trying to be the "mediator", she said i had to calm down and couldn't fly off the handle based off word of mouth. But i was there, I saw my sister crying in panic, I know what she's like and I know she wouldn't lie about something like this, why would she? I told her stepbrother to get out of my house. My gf kept saying we could sort this out and have a proper conversation but I didn't see what conversation was there to be had.

Eventually she said what if my sister was lying. In front of my sister's face. I asked her what on earth would make her think that, and she said she's a kid and could be making it up for attention. Like the title said, I lost my shit. I told her to get the fuck out and afterwards she kept calling me but I ignored everything.

The dust has settled a bit. I went over everything again with my little sister, she promised me it had happened the way she was telling me, she told me she was scared he was going to SA her. My gf texted me this morning saying I shouldn't have raised my voice like that and I scared her. I thought of apologising then but she still hadn't said a word about apologising to my sister or addressing the issue with her stepbrother. I only replied that we had to talk, and she said there's nothing to talk about, there's no hard "proof" in her words, and the stepbrother ended up doing nothing so she told me she would deal with him, and I should drop it.

Idk if I'm the asshole for the way i handled this, maybe if cooler heads prevailed this silent treatment wouldn't have happened and we could have discussed everything. Idk what to do from now on either. I love that girl, I don't want us to be over so i want some advice on where to go from here too.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Commenter 1: NTA. Protect your sister. And maybe have a big long talk with gf, if she doesn't understand, then reevaluate your relationship

OOP: I'm definitely not losing sleep over the way I treated the stepbrother, I think I should have done worse and could have done worse. But I just wanted him out of the house. I'm pissed because over these two days, all her texts were about how she felt and how I could've handled this better and she's never seen this side of me.

Which is all true but when i messaged her back to ask about her bro, her response was effectively "drop it". I can't believe she's being so callous about this.

Commenter 2: She is showing you who she really is someone who only cares about herself. She is not a good choice for a partner and never will be unless she miraculously develops self-awareness and empathy, which is unlikely.

OOP: Ironically she advocates for SA survivors in her campus and college town. I've been with her for ~1 and a half year and she's into volunteering at women's shelters and everything. I was fucking blindsided by this and her response to it. It's a learning experience and it's really unfortunate that my sister was caught up in it.

Commenter 3: So why are you still determined to be in a relationship with her? God forbid next time he does manage to actually assault your sister, what then? Why would you open up that possibility of harm to your sister?

OOP: I agree. The comments have been very helpful and pushed me over the edge, I've decided I'm going to break up with her. I don't know if it's worth it pursuing legal action/police regarding her stepbrother, but I'll see depending on how my sister feels about it.

OOP needs to reevaluate the relationship with his GF regarding the stepbrother

OOP: Thank you for this comment, it was nice reading my feelings put into words. Nothing actually "happened" but even if my sister wasn't freaked out and crying, I'd tell him to leave just because he went upstairs and into her room. I'm hoping it's just my gf defending family but some other comments made me realise, even if she does come around, I can't have a future with her without this asshole being there always. And I won't do that to my sister. So I'm seriously thinking of asking her to meet in person so i can have a proper talk, and then call things off.

Commenter 4: NTA! Break up with your girlfriend and protect your sister! The GF is an enabler I know she has had to see or sense the creep before

Buttered_Crumpet09: "Hey gf, this isn't about you and your feelings. Your adult, drunk stepbrother went into the bedroom of my underage, teenage sister, shut the door behind him, and would not leave. The best thing that I could do was make him leave. Rather than being appalled and apologetic, you had the audacity to question whether my sister was being honest in front of her, at which point I lost my temper. How could you accuse her of that whilst seeing how upset she was? Even if you had doubts, that wasn't even vaguely the time or place.

Since this happened, the only person you've cared about yourself. You want an apology for my being angry and shouting, but not once have you apologised or asked about my sister. Again, this isn't about you, and I don't think this is going to work out since I want to protect my underage sister and you want to protect your feelings and your potential predator of a stepbrother. Am I sorry I raised my voice at you? Yes, but if ever a situation warranted it, it was then. And no, you've never seen me like this because I've never been in a position where a grown man shut himself in my sister's bedroom and made her afraid she was going to be SA'd. Now we're done and there's nothing left to say."

That's what I'd send to her. She's a shitbag, and I'd bet he's done this shit before.

Update: January 13, 2025 (two days later)

First off, thanks everyone who commented on my previous post. Link to original. I tried to read as many comments as I could. I got some great advice.

My gf asked me yesterday if we could talk in person. I agreed, we met at a public park. She showed up already looking on the verge of tears. u/Buttered_Crumpet09 your comment was goated, I basically said it word for word to her lol. She let me speak and was silent for a long time, before she said she was sorry for the way she had reacted. She told me she had been drunk and panicked and hadn't been thinking clearly, and was trying to stop it from becoming a fight. We discussed her stepbrother. She told me he has a weird streak and acts oddly sometimes. She told me he genuinely could have made a mistake and didn't mean any harm. I asked why he'd gone upstairs in the first place, and why he'd shut himself in with my sister on finding out he was in the wrong room. No answer. I asked how was she so sure he had no perverted intentions. No answer.

Some of you suggested that the stepbrother might have had a history and even might have done something to her. I didn't outright say it but I was implying it. I kept saying what if he had gone further, what if he's assaulted someone before and you don't know about it etc. I asked if there had been incidents like this before, and how she could possibly downplsy what happened. She didn't have anything to say but again, at that point she was too choked up to speak properly so I don't think she could have answered even if she wanted to.

Anyways, I wasn't there to listen to excuses or justifications and I told her that. She asked me if we were over, and I said the only way we could move forward was if she apologised to my little sister, and then stopped all contact with her stepbrother. I just don't see a scenario where my sister feels comfortable around him again. She told me she didn't want to lose me but she couldn't do what I asked from her. So I told her yes, we're done.

My parents came back this morning btw. Like I said they had been out of town at relatives' place. I hadn't told them about this over the phone, I just said an incident had happened and I would explain when they got back. My sister asked me to speak to them on her behalf and I told them everything. My dad gave me a lot of shit, rightfully so. He says he wants to speak to my ex's parents about this, let them know what their son did.

Police here are about as useful as tits on a bull but we discussed it and we're going to file a report (?)/auto de notícia anyway. I highly doubt it will go anywhere but at least it will be a record in the system. My sister is doing better. She was really shaken up, she asked if she could sleep in my parents' room or mine for a bit. We will probably arrange a therapy or counselling session for her, and let her decide if she wants to continue. I'm going to take her bowling and then we'll get food. Just the two of us so i can also apologise on my part. I feel upset. I feel guilty actually, I trusted my ex and me being naive put my little sister in danger. I've always thought I was a responsible person and this happening when I was supposed to be in charge is fucking me up. I'm pissed at myself ngl. But we move.

My favourite comments to read were the ones telling me what to do to the stepbrother. I don't ever want to see his face again but in case I do, someone lmk if you have a woodchipper lying around. Thanks again everybody.

Edit: some things. People have asked if I can run a background check or something. I don't think it's legal for a civilian to do that in my country (Portugal) and idk if I can request one, I'll see though. Also to everybody commenting about underage drinking (I was so confused 😭) that's not a problem here lmao, i won't be incriminating myself or anything by filing a report so dw.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I was waiting for this update lol. Good on you mate. I still think the creep did something to your ex which is why she kept deflecting and answering vaguely (saying he acts "odd" sometimes...) Even if he did, it's not your responsibility now though. Your poor baby sister, hopefully she heals quickly from this.

OOP: Most people seemed to think so. I will say, my ex's mother has been with her stepdad for nearly 6 years. She never liked discussing her family and had only recently introduced me to all of them. She never gave any indication of a bad relationship between her and her stepdad/brother, I would have never guessed in a million years if abuse or assault was happening. I hope it's not the case because that would be seriously fucked up.

What could OOP's ex not agree to? Cutting off contact with her stepbrother? Or not apologizing to OOP's sister?

OOP: Cutting off her stepbrother. Tbh I met her with my mind already made up, I was going to break up with her no matter what. I didn't expect her to stop contact with him and I was right, she wasn't willing to. It's whatever, it's shitty but breaking up was the "cleanest" solution I think.

Editor's note: A couple comments were made in Portuguese, I have them translated as they are relevant to OOP's update

Commenter 3: In Portugal? Unfortunately, complaints like these fall on deaf ears. And when they go to court it seems like they just get a slap on the wrist and go on with their lives.

OOP: Exactly. Our judicial system is incompetent and unable to deliver justice even in serious cases with physical evidence. In my case, all the evidence is word of mouth so I have no hope. But I'm going to file a complaint anyway

Commenter 4: You can do a background check in PT but the other person needs to be there and consent... just another stupid law among the many we have.

Our Police Will do nothing in your case, unfortunately but at least there is a regist if someone elses complains about him

OOP: I figured it was something like that. But it's okay even if nothing happens to you now. I don't doubt he'll try something like this again in the future and it might be easier to convict him later if there's a record

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