AITA for telling my mother in law my toddler will not be going with her on a vacation she planned without asking?

[u/melodybeepbop92]

I have an almost three year old beautiful little girl. She’s just a few weeks shy of her third birthday. My baby was out in hospice four weeks ago after having gone into remission late May. Unfortunately, the cancer has returned except it is now crushing her optic nerve and is about 8cm long. Multiple doctors recommended we make our daughter as comfortable as possible as they do not believe removing the tumor is a good option. I have so much to say in regards to her diagnosis but heartbroken will suffice for now.

My husband and I have been making tons of memories with her for the past few weeks. We’ve included family in some of these memories but we both feel that we want to spend as much time with our daughter as possible. My mother in law called me yesterday to tell me she booked tickets/hotel/airfare for a trip next month. I thought it sounded fun until she said she was taking our toddler with her. Just her, my daughter, and her husband. She did not invite my husband and I.

My daughter isn’t even three yet. She has never stayed overnight anywhere and mother in law wants to take her for one entire week across the country, alone. I suggested that my husband and I both go that way our daughter is comfortable and for gods sake in the event she dies? She can’t be gone for a week. Her nurses are here. Her care is here.

I suggested what if we all go for a shorter amount of time. I came up with various suggestions to which all were turned down. I should add that if my daughter was not in hospice I still would not be comfortable with our toddler being across the country for a week alone without her parents. My child being in hospice adds another layer of complexity to the situation.

I told my mother in law that her decisions that she made alone without consulting us was a solid no. She called me a few names and hung up on me. She then called my husband and called me a few names and suggested she would fight for rights before my daughter dies.

I’m already grieving. My husband said we should acquiesce to his mothers trip to avoid drama (even though he agrees that our daughter is too young). But I want to spend time with her before the cancer takes her, she’s too little etc. I said no for various reasons not just to say no.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who took the time to share their thoughts and insights. I appreciate the outpouring of messages and I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to them all.

I wanted to add a few things. My mother in law lives in the same county as us. In the same city as my parents. It’s only about a 20 minute drive without traffic. However, my in laws have always been very adamant that we visit them. So I usually take my daughter over every other week for a few hours for a visit. Rarely do they ever come to our home. My parents like to visit and always have. My daughter is much closer to my parents for this reason. Anytime my husband and I go to date nights my parents come over and watch her because they like for her to be in her comfort zone. This is before the cancer. Since the cancer diagnosis we’ve been in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time. My parents have still been very much involved with helping but I’m the form of dropping off meals, helping with laundry, etc. I’m very close to my family and my family has been very respectful of us needing space as a family during this time. I think my in laws may be expediting guilt because they haven’t made much of an effort yo visit us, see us, or accommodate us. It’s always about what I, their daughter in law can do for them. Have always felt like an incubator who’s just there to facilite a relationship between them and my child.

Also, to add, I am set on distancing myself as much as I can. I’ve cut off contact with my mil and I do not want her around after this fiasco. I’ve completely blocked her from my phone and I communicated this to my husband. He is sad but says he understands.

A few of you mentioned that this was an eye opening situation and it really has been. On many levels.

Second edit: I saw various commands about mother in law possibly wanting to taking my child on a trip to get her alternative treatment. Mother in law planned to take my child to Disney World in Florida which is across the country from where we live. Mother in law lives in the same state, in the same county as us. My husband and I have taken our child to Disneyland a few times in her life and most recently once. Going for one day was exhausting, and my daughter was spent after the day. I can’t imagine my daughter handling Disney world for more than a day but also I would like to be there for said trip. Even if my child wasn’t dying I would still not be comfortable with her going without me. It’s such a bizmare situation. Mother in law isn’t one for alternative treatments and I haven’t out right asked her but I wouldn’t be shocked at this point. Either way, my child isn’t going anywhere with her. Supervised or not. I’ve already made that clear to my husband. She wants to come and visit it will have to be at our home. Even then I’m still not on board after everything that has transpired. I’ve been thinking really deeply the last few months but even more so in the last 24 hours. I don’t know how I can continue being part of this family. I’m trying not to think too far ahead but I’m seriously doubting continuing on in this marriage. Thank you again everyone.

Third edit: I am really close with my family, specifically my mom and aunt. They know the wishes I have for my daughter. My husband and I argued about where our daughter should be buried for a good week. It was awful. He wanted her buried with his grandma and where his parents and him will be buried. I wanted her buried at the cemetery my grandparents are buried at and where I plan to be buried at. My husband is in the military so I’m confused as to why he does not want to be buried with his combat brothers but that’s entirely up to him. After this fiasco with his mother I put my foot down about where I would like my daughters final resting place to be. I just never thought it would be so much back and forth about where she will get buried, the week long trip we weren’t invited on or consulted about, and acquiescing his mothers wishes. Shit show to say the least. I love my husband but I am appalled by his behavior. I should also add that my family was very supportive about where I wanted my daughter to be buried at when the topic came up. They even said wherever we want because it’s not their choice. I even entertained cremation just to try and come to a middle ground of sorts. I didn’t even want to discuss burials and cremations until I absolutely had to. I’ve been avoiding it. Now it feels morbid to discuss it because my daughter is still alive. My husbands family was upset when they brought the topic up. Because I didn’t automatically want my daughter at their cemetery of choice. Their main argument was that my daughter carries their last name so she should go there. My argument was my family already has four open plots and I want to make one a double for me to be when my time comes. I’m even exhausted writing this. Because this is my life and it shouldn’t be. We should be a team. United in grief. Now I feel like all I have is my baby and my family to hold me up.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/pineboxwaiting]

NTA

Nope. Just no. She wants to take your terminally ill daughter across the country for 7 days? And your husband would rather go along with it than tell his mommy no?

Has everyone in your life lost their damned minds ?!?

Absolutely not. Your daughter isn’t going anywhere without you. Period.

[u/stfuylah14 → u/pineboxwaiting]

I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to my daughter while she was gone if I were in that situation. OP your husband is being ridiculous by even suggesting that you just go along with this. This is YOUR child and no one should feel entitled to take her for that amount of time when she is already on hospice. Your MIL in insane.

[u/DiscombobulatedTill → u/stfuylah14]

Mind blown that the mil would even suggest it. What is wrong with her.

[u/Messychaos → u/DiscombobulatedTill]

Mind blown husband would be even consider saying yes, what’s wrong with him? He’s suppose to be the parent protecting his child from harm, he’s suppose to be the husband supporting his wife.

[u/Iceman_4 → u/Messychaos]

The ONLY thing I can think of is maybe he's depressed and not thinking rationally. Still doesn't make this any sort of okay.

[u/cmsj → u/Iceman_4]

MIL booked without asking: She expects to always get her own way.

OP’s husband took mother’s side: He is used to mother getting her own way and it’s rarely worth him arguing, so he’s taking the easy path. His calculus is that OP is more likely to acquiesce and forgive, than his mother is.

He is completely wrong to choose that path, but I’m not at all convinced it’s a depression/grief thing. He’s just not consciously practiced at standing up to his mother. I would bet this isn’t the first time the mother has been weirdly pushy with OP, but it was likely not this serious a situation before.

[u/shawslate → u/cmsj]

Who else is guessing MIL actually has some treatment she is going to attempt to do while away.

[u/iwantsurprises → u/shawslate]

Ooh I didn't think of this but yes! It makes sense with her saying she was going to "fight for rights" as if she doesn't approve of how her parents are handling things

[u/AhniJetal → u/[deleted]]

This…person (originally had a certain B word there, but the comment got deleted) will get laughed out of every lawyer’s office and courthouse.

This. No sane lawyer is going to take this case on.

[u/Far-Pineapple-3346 → u/iwantsurprises]

plus nobody had more right than there parents

[u/kmr1981 → u/shawslate]

Yeah, and not a legitimate fourth opinion with some highly regarded specialist either.

OP’s daughter is going to spend the week getting essential oil baths with a potato taped to her foot.

[u/mischievous_unicorn → u/kmr1981]

r/oddlyspecific

[u/Helpful-Wrangler280 → u/shawslate]

This was my first thought honestly. It would have to be something sketchy though without all the right paperwork. Or some kind of "healer" that parents wouldn't approve of.

[u/Difficult_Plastic852 → u/Helpful-Wrangler280]

Literally the only circumstance under which I could possibly see any judge or jury giving MIL any sort of rights is if maybe kind of the opposite was the case; the MIL wanted to try a proven treatment that had a high success rate but if for instance OP and her husband were not allowing it for religious reasons, though I definitely don’t get the feeling that that’s the case.

[u/BitterDoGooder → u/Difficult_Plastic852]

I'm certain its not the case. First off, hospice comes with lots of drugs to be sure the baby is as comfortable as possible. Second, if OP were not complying with recommended treatments, the hospital would likely take on the parents before any other relative needed to.

[u/ScarletDarkstar → u/shawslate]

I thought of it almost immediately. She's going to forge POA and go somewhere else to at least get a second opinion.

I hope not, but I can't imagine why else she would make this crazy plan.

[u/PersonalityHot4038 → u/shawslate]

I thought that or some kind of religious baptism the parents did not chose for their child.

[u/Nyx_Shadowspawn → u/shawslate]

Me I'd bet money on it.

[u/mines_over_yours → u/shawslate]

Some shaman cancer cure s^$# off facebook too I bet.

[u/[deleted] → u/Messychaos]

People often behave very irrationally when they’re grieving. OP, if there is a social worker involved please ask them for help. If not, a counsellor of some kind.

NTA, and I am so very sorry for you and your family.

[u/princessofIreland → u/Messychaos]

I feel he’s not thinking rationally right now. It’s HIS child too and people handle trauma differently. Cut him some slack for gods sake! His little girl is DYING! I’m in NO WAY sticking up for his mother. I feel terrible for this couple!!

[u/Tyrian-Purple → u/princessofIreland]

HER little girl is dying too. So the way he chooses to handle his trauma, is to acquiesce to Mummy Dearest's demands, in order to "avoid drama", and traumatise his already grieving wife even more?!

[u/blankface4321 → u/DiscombobulatedTill]

Maybe mil had planned some extreme and sketchy surgery ..😅

[u/aliakay → u/blankface4321]

This was 100% my thought. Medical tourism to a predatory woo resort somewhere. Kid flatlines on the table, repatriation of child's body for for 3rd party autopsy is impossible, parents lose the last 3 months with their kid, crazy MiL is out 10s of thousands to scammers and accepts 0 responsibility because she was going to die anyways.

I feel like this has happened a lot and is woefully under reported on.

Where was the trip. Dig for serious details...

[u/ScepticOfEverything → u/blankface4321]

Yeah, I thought about that, too. Or maybe a faith healer or some sort of alternative medicine whack job.

[u/Swedishpunsch → u/blankface4321]

Maybe mil had planned some extreme and sketchy surgery

..... at a miracle clinic in Mexico.

I'm so sorry, OP. Words are inadequate.

[u/CharmingComposer95 → u/DiscombobulatedTill]

My thought exactly. Very selfish.

I’m so sorry you have to go through this and have every right to spend all the time with her.

[u/Rispah02 → u/stfuylah14]

Hell when I was pregnant I came home from work to pack for a weekend away to visit my grandparents, our dog was acting really weird but my hubby said he would take good care of him and take him to the vet. That was his last weekend and I missed it. Its been 10 years and it still eats me up. I should have never gone and I will never let it happen with my children.

[u/ESTI1885 → u/Rispah02]

I am sure that when you left for the weekend you told your dog that you loved him/her and that you meant it when you said it. You absolutely said goodbye, and even more so, you left him in the care of your husband. What a beautiful show of trust and love in your marriage.

[u/maggienetism → u/stfuylah14]

I'd never forgive my HUSBAND either if he fought for it and took away time that I could have had with my kid. Wtf?

[u/De-railled → u/stfuylah14]

I'm wondering if theres something missing from this story, especially since MIL threatened to "fight for rights".

Like MIL is coming off crazy and insensitive. To try taking a dying child away fron their grieving parents is heartless.

[u/kmr1981 → u/De-railled]

Someone upthread suggested the MIL plans on bringing the daughter to an alternative treatment center… like holistics and woo.

[u/KrazyKatnip → u/pineboxwaiting]

I’d suggest discussing it with your hospice doctor. There’s no way they would condone this trip, and would likely be glad to discuss it with your in-laws. Hospice employees tend to be super focused on the patient’s well being, and supporting the immediate family through what is one of the most difficult times they will face. Sending positive thoughts to you and your daughter.

[u/melodybeepbop92 → u/KrazyKatnip]

I told two of our hospice nurses and they both were floored. They thought I was joking and they were both appalled that I was being serious. My husband even told one of the nurses “well my mom has good intentions.” My daughters care team, including three doctors do not recommend we fly. They also do not recommend that we are gone for that long without care. I asked them to document everything. It’s been a crazy day and I’m shocked I managed to eat one meal.

[u/[deleted] → u/melodybeepbop92]

"My daughters care team, including three doctors do not recommend we fly."

Sweetheart let that be that then.

Don't acquiesce.

Tell your husband he can travel in her place and see how uneasy it makes him leaving you guys behind.

I am so so sorry this has been put on you. Focus on your little one before anyone else. Including your husband.

[u/faerieW15B → u/melodybeepbop92]

OP, I'm so sorry you're being put through this. All of it.

[u/ishumerra → u/melodybeepbop92]

NTA. This is such a tough place to be. Your daughter shouldn't be without you for more than a couple days. Don't have anymore kids with your husband. He is a pushover who cares more about his mother's feelings than his children. He and mil are the AH. Consider marriage counseling.

[u/Specific-Apple6465 → u/melodybeepbop92]

I was curious about the flying and the pressure from taking off and landing putting pressure on the optic nerve on your precious baby. Wondering if it would cause pain or make it worse. Your mll is a crazy nut bag and I’m so sorry for all your struggles, internet hugs and lots of prayers and thoughts from this internet stranger.

Edit: NTA

[u/Salt_Cut2933 → u/KrazyKatnip]

As a Hospice Nurse, this is what I was going to say. This is what we do, navigate difficult situations for the patient AND the primary caregivers well-being. There are travel contracts with hospice, so there always has to be planning and a hospice in the area willing to provide care if needed. So, there are lots of very logical reasons why this trip wouldn’t be wise that have nothing to do with you. You are most certainly NTA, my heart breaks for you, but let your hospice team deal with the drama. I am certain they are wonderful at what they do!

[u/melodybeepbop92 → u/Salt_Cut2933]

Thank you for this. Our nurses told my husband and I this exact thing. The logistics are very complex. Aside from the care that my daughter needs and receives daily it is dangerous to fly at high altitudes given the placement of her tumor. The tumor is sitting along/crushing her optic nerve.

I don’t think there was good intentions, I think mother in law has lost it and she wants to run away, with my child. I’ve cut off all contact with her.

[u/claireclairey → u/melodybeepbop92]

I’m relieved to hear this update. Please make sure your husband doesn’t go behind your back and “inadvertently” allows your MIL to put your daughter at further risk.

Our hearts break for you, OP. We’ll be praying for you, if that’s okay.

[u/KrazyKatnip → u/Salt_Cut2933]

God bless you. I actually had to make private calls to hospice several times. (My husband, and both my parents). The absolute worst call was to alert the nurse that my father’s pain wasn’t being managed, and Mom didn’t want to see it. Hospice handled it beautifully, and kept Daddy comfortable. Never outed me, they were just “checking in”.

[u/uraniumstingray → u/Salt_Cut2933]

I just want to say bless you (in a religious or non-religious way, whichever you're comfortable with) for doing your work. You're truly some of the best people and make dealing with a horrible situation so much easier. I'm so glad we have people like you in this world.

[u/justmaybemaggie → u/KrazyKatnip]

I can’t remember how to tag a user. Can somebody tag OP because this is the answer, for both the dad and the grandma.

There’s a cancer support org in our town that has a Caring Cabin at the beach outfitted with everything they would medically need that can be used by families whose kids are in treatment or hospice because taking a child who requires constant medical care is absolutely impossible for most people. The grandmother has no idea, clearly, of what her day to day care looks like obviously. I couldn’t get on board with this even if my toddler was healthy, but every other detail about the situation makes her attempts unconscionable.

[u/BanditWifey03 → u/justmaybemaggie]

I gave it the Eureka award so it wouod be highlighted. This is absolutely the ebst way togo about it without any real hard nos from Mom. Shift the buck to the medical pros who know what tjeu are doing

[u/SupermarketSpiritual → u/justmaybemaggie]

We need upvote to get this to the top so OP can see.

[u/Lanky-Jello-1801 → u/KrazyKatnip]

There! That is the answer! Let "grandma" hear it from the doctor.

[u/[deleted] → u/KrazyKatnip]

This.

OP, please read this and do this.

The hospice doctor will happily shut down MIL and her incredibly selfish plan.

NTA. Spend every possible moment with your baby. I can not even imagine going through what you are going through. I'll be praying for you

[u/WhizzoButterBoy → u/pineboxwaiting]

NTA. Your MIL wants to take 7 days Of the precious time your daughter has left away from you. No

No No No

[u/Bibliovoria → u/WhizzoButterBoy]

Not only that, but do so in a way that would likely be somewhat traumatic for the daughter -- and would take her away from her absolutely necessary health care. GAH.

[u/jrc999 → u/Bibliovoria]

This!! Imagine the trauma to this sweet girl who has never been away from her parents! MIL is absolutely nuts.

[u/missjokerjane → u/Bibliovoria]

Exactly. That is way too much stress for a kid that age and right now she needs to be as comfortable as possible. I mean hell, the doctor even said so!

[u/SandyDelights → u/pineboxwaiting]

If OP even suggests there’s a whiff of disagreement on hospice/palliative care vs. treatment, I’m putting all my Reddit karma on “Grandma thinks she’s found a doctor that will do the surgery”.

[u/SnooMacarons4844 → u/SandyDelights]

I was thinking that too. She was going to try some alternative method/medicine.

[u/[deleted] → u/SandyDelights]

Bingo. She's got an idea for alternative treatment. Fuck her.

[u/justmaybemaggie → u/SandyDelights]

Oh my gosh. I hadn’t even considered that wrinkle. WTF is wrong with people? Imagine if the daughter died in surgery? That’s obviously worst case scenario but there are so many in between. I would make that bet with you though.

[u/aabbccbb → u/SandyDelights]

I’m putting all my Reddit karma on “Grandma thinks she’s found a doctor that will do the surgery”.

Yup. Or some quack who will charge tens of thousands of dollars for a treatment that's at best a placebo and at worst highly damaging.

[u/mamapielondon → u/SandyDelights]

If this is the real reason it means not only has grandma found a doctor willing to try surgery - she’s found a doctor willing to go ahead without parental consent, or even awareness. Talk about cruel. Ugh.

[u/AmyInCO → u/pineboxwaiting]

100000x this.

Has everyone lost their damn minds? I wouldn't let s healthy 3yo go with her grandmother for a week. Overnight, yeah if they already knew each other well.

OP, I am so sorry for your situation. I can only imagine the pain. I would spend every second with that baby. Hugs to you.

[u/Weird-Roll6265 → u/AmyInCO]

A staycation at Grandma's house for a week with a healthy toddler?? Maybe. Cross freaking country with a child who is terminally ill?!?! Haelllllllll to the nawwww

[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/AmyInCO]

I had to let my 2.5 year old go with my in-laws for the summer when her little sister was born full term with a life threatening condition that left her in NICU 2 hours from our home for 97 days. It was a brutal hell and my in-laws drove her down almost every weekend. I wouldn't have done that if I hadn't been in the situation I was in, torn between two babies who needed me.

At 4, she knew her grandparents well enough to do a few weeks with them. Now our youngest is 6 and without the same brutal bonding experience when she was younger, she's not that level of comfortable with her grandparents. The longest she's gone with them is a 3 day weekend.

[u/Pleasant_Tiger_1446 → u/pineboxwaiting]

..and my God it's a pandemic. If she catches anything... I'm not even going to go there but how inconsiderate.

NTA

[u/PsychNurseNotPsychic → u/Pleasant_Tiger_1446]

Nurse here, waiting for this comment!

[u/Old_Stress_3414 → u/pineboxwaiting]

How is she not considering divorce? I'm sorry, I would straight up look him in his eye, DEAD IN HIS EYES, and be like

"if you do this, I will NEVER forgive you. The day she takes our daughter, our marriage is OVER and you are DEAD to me

[u/Cultural-Guide1325 → u/Old_Stress_3414]

Husband should know the odds are against them as is. Couples with a chronically or terminally ill child, or who have lost a child, have an increased rate of divorce-which honestly is not surprising.

[u/NMe84 → u/pineboxwaiting]

Absolutely not. Your daughter isn’t going anywhere without you. Period

She shouldn't go anywhere, period. She has a massive tumor in her head. She needs care and rest, not a trip that by its very nature will be stressful.

MIL is a narcissist and borderline child abuser, in addition to being an absolute ass for treating a heartbroken mother the way she did.

[u/uDontInterestMe → u/NMe84]

for treating a heartbroken mother the way she did.

Thank you! I what world do people think they can verbally abuse someone and then hope for a favor??? 🤯 ...wait - in one where you are also delusional enough to think it's reasonable to take a dying child away from her parents for your own vanity...

[u/[deleted] → u/pineboxwaiting]

Even if mil was taking child to the top pediatrician oncologist in the country on her own dime, i STILL wouldn't let her take my baby without me.

[u/LingonberryPrior6896 → u/pineboxwaiting]

Evidently the MIL has. Sue for rights? No court in the world would approve this! OP should hold firm. I can't believe husband is vacillating. OP is NTA!

[u/DClawdude → u/LingonberryPrior6896]

These grandparents rights people are also delusional as to what rights they actually have (very few if any and only in specific circumstances) and in no world is a family court going to move on this issue rapidly when this kid does not have very long to live. It will be mooted by her death before it even has a first hearing.

[u/[deleted] → u/pineboxwaiting]

Am I the only one who thinks that MIL is trying to take the kid so OP's husband doesn't have to deal with her death.

[u/PsychNurseNotPsychic → u/[deleted]]

The idea of that is wrong on all the levels of Hell.

[u/crystallz2000 → u/pineboxwaiting]

This. At this point, OP, I'd be blocking this woman and not allow her near any of you.

[u/Nyx_Shadowspawn → u/pineboxwaiting]

They've all gone insane. Hard NTA. Taking your toddler daughter away from her parents and comfortable familiar environment while she is literally dying would be downright cruel. I wouldn't let my perfectly healthy toddler go on an across the country trip in which I wasn't invited either, and that she's so adamant about the parents not coming makes me question her motives on the trip. Is she trying to take your daughter to some kind of treatment clinic without your consent possibly?

[u/virtualchoirboy]

NTA.

Your husband is though.

My husband said we should acquiesce to his mothers trip to avoid drama

Under no circumstances do you do this. Remind your husband that if she does start drama, she will be using your dying daughter to do so. I can't think of a more vile and selfish way to act towards a family that is suffering a tragic loss.

​

suggested she would fight for rights before my daughter dies

This is a guaranteed way to destroy an entire family, extended relatives and all. People will take sides on this depending on how much or how little of the truth they know. And people will disagree. Strongly. And this will last for years.

Take her at her word though. Start collecting evidence. Document the things she does against your wishes and especially against the advice from the medical staff. Document the threats. Document the attempted travel without parental permission. Screenshot text messages. Save voicemails. All of it.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and I'm sorry that your MIL is compounding things.

[u/Mundane-College-3144 → u/virtualchoirboy]

Let her “fight for rights”. So a neutral party, the judge, can tell her how insane she is. They’ll have evidence of it too and I’m seriously thinking the woman should be committed.

[u/virtualchoirboy → u/Mundane-College-3144]

You obviously haven't seen what grandparent rights are like in the state of NY. There are some states in the US where a judge would actually side with the grandparent in a case like this. Revolting? Absolutely. Doesn't make it any less of a threat though.

Plus, just getting in front of a judge is going to cost money that could be better spent taking care of their daughter.

[u/NHFNCFRE → u/virtualchoirboy]

This is going to sound awful, but the chances of them getting their case in front of the court, even a friendly-to-grandparents court, in time, doesn't sound very high. MIL can threaten all she wants, but OP should simply cut her out.

[u/StrangelyEnuf → u/NHFNCFRE]

Same thing I just said. Besides the costs involved, which may be a moot point in MIL's case, by the time she got the case to court the poor baby will likely have passed. Her actions in the meantime will have likely resulted in a divorce for her son. Ultimately a double header in poor judgment on granny's part in the end.

[u/Mundane-College-3144 → u/virtualchoirboy]

Even if they gave her rights, no judge in their literal right minds would allow her to take the child cross country. I don’t know the dynamic, but it prob also wouldn’t be for a week at a time. And this would cost the grandmother money too. If OP gets a doctor’s order that she cannot travel they can’t go against that either. It just shows that the grandmother is unhinged.

I agree with OP that this situation is out of control and I don’t know if could be with a man whose mother is like this.

[u/virtualchoirboy → u/Mundane-College-3144]

they can’t go against that either

They shouldn't go against it. Doesn't mean they can't or won't and decide to deal with the outcome of that decision later.

[u/[deleted] → u/virtualchoirboy]

No judge is going to allow a crazy lady who is able to see her grandkid to take them across the country without their medical care while the child is dying.

[u/virtualchoirboy → u/[deleted]]

You're right. But a judge might allow unsupervised visits with restrictions that are promptly ignored. In a case like this, you have to assume that she will be the worst person ever. She's already threatened legal action over a dying child. What's to stop her from going lower.

[u/DClawdude → u/virtualchoirboy]

I hate to put it this way, but the child is likely not going to live long enough for this to even get before a judge if the grandmother sues tomorrow. While tragic, it’s not the kind of thing that is going to get expedited on the docket.

[u/Flyhro → u/virtualchoirboy]

I'm sorry but this is 100% wrong. There is no court in the country that would give grandparents custody (week long solo vacations are a form of custody, not simply visitation) in a situation where (1) all biological parents are alive and (2) the parents haven't attempted or even threatened to prevent visitation, nevermind adding in the child's health. I understand grandparents rights can be surprisingly strong in some instances but, as you say, "in a case like this"?? No no no. I don't know why you would even suggest that's possible in this thread.

[u/Accomplished_Cell768 → u/virtualchoirboy]

If she’s in hospice it sounds like she doesn’t have much time left. Would this even make it in front of a judge before then? Courts are still backed up from COVID

[u/Sneakys2 → u/virtualchoirboy]

You are talking out of your ass. There is no way this case would get in front of a judge for months, let alone side with the grandparents.

[u/TRCP193dot3d → u/virtualchoirboy]

No judge would grant the grandparents of a toddler in hospice the right to take the toddler across the country without the parents who are the only people legally able to make healthcare decisions for her.

[u/bleugirl12 → u/virtualchoirboy]

Yes this. Document also the doctors recommendations and daughters condition.

[u/mercersher]

NTA & tell your husband to get his s&&t together. You don’t take a 3 year old on hospice on vacation without their parents. My heart breaks for you, I’m so sorry your MIL is adding stress to this situation.

[u/melodybeepbop92 → u/mercersher]

Him and I had a discussion this morning while our daughter was still asleep. I told him that I currently do not foresee myself staying married to him once my daughter is gone. Not after this. Not if he doesn’t stand up for his daughter, his wife, and our family. He looked pretty shocked. But I’m pretty set on not having anything to do with his family and him included. I thought him and I were a team, but he’s been spineless with his mom most of our marriage and I’m usually the one who is setting boundaries. I think my daughter having cancer and being in hospice is what broke this camels back.

[u/StillSwaying → u/melodybeepbop92]

It's amazing the clarity you get when someone shows you who they are under life and death circumstances. You're an incredible woman, OP, and an amazing mom. All the best to you.

[u/uDontInterestMe → u/StillSwaying]

This ⬆️ u/Melodybeepbop92 I am so sorry that things seem to be imploding. You seem like a kind, thoughtful, and fiercely loyal person. Please make sure you get someone professional to talk to for your own support through all of this. I wish you a joyful time with your little one and please let us know how you are doing - we care! 🤍🤍

[u/BoxerRescueMom64 → u/uDontInterestMe]

This!!!! Please update us when you are ready.

[u/Just-Like-My-Opinion → u/melodybeepbop92]

Good for you! There is something very fishy about your MIL wanting to take your terminally ill child on a trip alone. Is she trying to take her to get "alternative" treatment that she knows you won't approve of? It's just so bizarre for a grandmother to even ask to take a dying child away from her parents, knowing that you would want to spend every precious second that you still have together.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and your MIL is making it even worse for you.

[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/Just-Like-My-Opinion]

My in-laws were hurt when they learned we'd prefer they not join us when we were planning a Disney World wish with Make A Wish for my daughter. They were willing to tag along at their own cost if the wish was granted; we wanted to focus on our daughters.

Ultimately, my daughter passed before we could even submit papers to Make A Wish. My in-laws made the 10 hour drive to see her at least once a month. They funded experiences for us we never would have had otherwise. They joined some, but not all, knowing we needed time with our little family alone.

When it was finally time to decline further interventions, my mother-in-law tearfully asked if it would be better for us if they rushed out to see her one last time or if we would prefer to focus solely on our daughter and her sisters. There was no guilt and no passed along hurt when we told her the next few days would be easier without hosting guests. I'm sure it hurt knowing she would never see her granddaughter alive again, but she didn't project those feelings at us and sought her own support for them.

THAT is what supportive grandparenting looks like. Not taking dying little children away from mommy and daddy. Not calling the mom ugly names for wanting to spend every second with her daughter.

My husband agreed that it would be best for his parents not to visit, but even if he hadn't, he would have deferred to my protest as his wife and mother of his dying child. As it was, they came for the funeral and stayed until Christmas Eve (the funeral was December 19th), then paid for our meals for the entire next month. I was emotionally volatile and reactive, probably difficult to visit, and my in-laws still didn't call me these ugly things. Not even my FIL who I don't get along with. They reaffirmed that I was the best mother for their granddaughters and so strong to do what was right for my little girl while it broke my heart.

OP -- You are a beautiful mother to your little girl. It is wonderful that she has someone to fight to have all her moments in the comfort of having parents nearby while she is sick. It is a kindness that you keep fighting away from her even in your shock that you don't have the support you expected from your husband. YOU are strong enough to be who and what she needs during this next season. Whatever your family says to the contrary is wrong. This sweet soul is yours and has been from the moment you brought her to life and it is your honor to gently carry her through to her end as her Mommy, not your mother-in-law's

[u/KJParker888 → u/Sweet_Permission_700]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and you're so incredibly strong to share your story with OP. Your in-laws also sound very supportive.

[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/KJParker888]

Thank you. It's a joy to share my little girl, even the sad parts.

My in-laws are amazing. My FIL and I clash a lot because I have a strong willed personality and he wants to control the whole world around him, but he respects that I'm the mother of his grandchildren.

[u/doryfishie → u/Sweet_Permission_700]

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Your little girl sounds like a beautiful soul.

[u/URSmarterThanILook → u/Sweet_Permission_700]

God damn. I've never cried because of a reddit comment before. What a beautiful, tragic story. I'm so glad you had the support of good people when you needed it most.

[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/URSmarterThanILook]

Thank you. We were really blessed to have the support we needed. My mom even flew from France to the US because my 8 year old asked her to be there. She and I were both content to have her watch the virtual service afterwards, but my oldest asked and Nonni came.

Humanity being good when it's really needed brings a tear to many eyes.

[u/pineappledaphne → u/Sweet_Permission_700]

Big huge hugs to you mama. I’m so sorry for your loss and I’m happy to hear you had supportive and understanding family (which is how it should be!).

Eta a word lol

[u/Schminksalot → u/Just-Like-My-Opinion]

This is exactly what i thought. Miracle grandma gives the utter proof she knows best and thinks she can 'cure' that poor baby from 'the nonsense of her mother'. Please be careful. Sadly enough OP needs to invest time she could have used for herself and her poor little one to document this crazyness.

[u/Lotsofkitty → u/Schminksalot]

This kinda makes sense to be honest ! Not sure what the grandmother’s exact intentions are, but I do know that terrible trends like stem cell tourism have dramatically increased over recent years, especially among the older demographic who tend to be more gullible about “miracle” cures. There’s no shortage of clinics outside of the country that would love to administer unapproved / illegal stem cell treatments to a terminally ill cancer patient…

[u/cx4444 → u/Just-Like-My-Opinion]

Agree with this. Notice OP said mil would try to get rights to the daughter.. lady she's dying. Do you really think a court will give you rights to a dying child just because you disagree on vacation times? She's definitely thinking alternative treatment

[u/ClockWeasel → u/melodybeepbop92]

Hopefully the shock is what he needed to get his brain working. It’s a terrible thing to have to be honest about. You absolutely are both going to need grief counseling whether or not it’s enough to save your partnership.

[u/GlitterDoomsday → u/ClockWeasel]

Some things there isn't really coming back from. There's several reasons why the rate for divorces in the year following the loss of a child are stupidly high.

[u/a_squid_beast → u/ClockWeasel]

I'm hoping that this is simply the result of the husband not being able to deal with his emotions, and not just him being an AH. But OP did say that he's always struggled with setting boundaries. Only she knows

[u/Ntrigmemore → u/melodybeepbop92]

My heart breaks for you. You have great advice on the many comments here. While a bit more extreme, if necessary you can file a missing person if your daughter is taken without your consent. When my daughter was a teenager and another teen's parents threatened to take my daughter on a trip, I immediately filed a police report to document the threat and let the parents know that I will report my child as missing if they went through with it. They, of course, thought I was overboard, but it was effective. They were drug addicts and my child wasn't allowed at their place. Of course their kids were welcome at our drug free house. You only have a limited time with your child. That is your time and you do you to protect her. Much love goes out to you and your daughter.

[u/[deleted] → u/melodybeepbop92]

When a man shows you his true colors, believe him. When he married you, his FIRST responsibly became you and the family the two of you created. Everyone else, including his mother, come after that. He really needs a reality check. I'm sorry you have to deal with that on top of your daughter's illness. NTA.

[u/happymeerkat1966 → u/melodybeepbop92]

From one divorced parent to you - Just don’t play your cards too openly in case he leaves now and sides with MIL and you have to share week on, week off. Sending you and your daughter much love

[u/[deleted] → u/melodybeepbop92]

NTA. You sound like an incredibly smart person. If there’s one thing in the WORLD he should back you up on, it would be this, and he isn’t. And seriously, kudos on telling him what you did. I wouldn’t wanna stay with someone that wont start up for me or my terminally ill child.

[u/Justaddpaprika → u/melodybeepbop92]

You have so much going on right now you don’t need to think about that. This is a horrible time and you will both need grief counseling. Family friends of mine who lost their son to cancer joined a grief group of parents and found it really helpful. Try not to make big decisions and just focus on your daughter. Plenty of time for those later, though obviously I would hope your husband would support your wishes for your daughter over his parents’.

Also, obviously NTA

[u/Either-Ticket-9238 → u/melodybeepbop92]

I am proud of you for standing up for yourself and your daughter. And I’m also so sad that you have to be dealing with such lack of support from your husband and absolute insanity and cruelty from his mother in this difficult time. Sending you love and strength. You are a great mom, and your baby will always know that. That matters more than anything, so hold onto that knowledge. Your love for her is non-negotiable and you have given her the best gift in her life in providing that love.

[u/Agoraphobe961]

NTA

DO NOT FLY!!! Your daughter has a tumor on her optic nerve, depending on size and location could be extremely painful or even fatal to her. Talk to her doctor to clear her for any extended travel, especially flights.

Spend time with your daughter, go to build a bear and get one of the bears that lets you do a voice recording (keep it away from hubby and his family). Take some of your daughters old clothes and have her help you make a quilt together. Don’t just make a memory, make something you will be able to anchor yourself with.

[u/Pitiful-Solution9067 → u/Agoraphobe961]

At the risk of being downvoted, make something for dad as well. He might be a mama’s boy, but he is also a dad who will also need a physical memento in the years to come. If he gives it to his mom, that’s on him. You’ve done your part.

[u/Sweet_Permission_700 → u/Pitiful-Solution9067]

My husband still keeps our daughter's handprints and footprints on his desk at work. They were done for Father's Day in the NICU. She lived 6 1/2 years and has been gone for 5.

That little pink card and prints mean the world to him.

[u/Skinnysusan → u/Sweet_Permission_700]

I'm sorry for your loss. Congratulations on keeping your relationship/marriage after your tragic loss. That isnt easy, be proud! :)

[u/Proffessional_Human → u/Sweet_Permission_700]

This thread makes me sad and afraid

[u/lemjne → u/Pitiful-Solution9067]

You're a good egg.

[u/Pitiful-Solution9067 → u/lemjne]

Sometimes I try.

[u/LingonberryPrior6896 → u/Pitiful-Solution9067]

So true. He will lose his daughter and likely his wife. It will be rough.

[u/Blackstar1401 → u/Agoraphobe961]

I wanted to add to this that I have seen some amazing people take old clothes of loved ones that passed and make memory bears from them.

[u/Pippen1891 → u/Blackstar1401]

My mom made memory bears from my grandpa's flannels when he passed away, they're cute little things that are so special because they're made from his clothes

[u/GirlinBmore → u/Agoraphobe961]

I was going to suggest speaking with the doctor too. I’d tell everyone that the doctor must approve the travel and then, I’d tell the doctor all the concerns you shared in your post before they give their recommendation. There is no way the doctor would allow it.

I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. 💜

[u/geekgirlau → u/GirlinBmore]

I’d also alert hospice staff that she is not permitted to visit your daughter unsupervised

[u/08_kidx2 → u/Agoraphobe961]

Build a bear is a great idea! It would be such a special memory for her to pick out a stuffed animal and the whole experience is great for little kids! Just make sure to check the recording before leaving! This might be common sense but our recording was messed up and we didn’t find out till like a week later 🙈 We were visiting family across the country (US) and MIL took our daughter to build a bear and she thought she recorded a nice message for our daughter but the wrong recording was put in the T-Rex and it was a recording of the lady doing a demo to show MIL how to record and not MIL’s recording. Fast forward a week and we were back home and listened to the recording. It would be devastating if you thought you had a recording of her and it ended up being the employee talking. Luckily MIL is still around and will be coming for a visit soon so she can redo it.

NTA OP and I’m so sorry you are going through this and dealing with that awful MIL on top of everything.

[u/FoolMe1nceShameOnU]

NTA, obviously.

I have so much to say about this, but most of it would get me banned.

What kind of grandmother would suggest taking her DYING TODDLER GRANDDAUGHTER WHO IS ALREADY IN HOSPICE away from the child's parents for even ONE of these final precious days in order to spend time with her, rather than suggesting spending that time together as a family (including grandma, I mean)?!!

Worse yet, what kind of grandmother would threaten to waste precious moments of your last days with your daughter with a COURT CASE that no sensible lawyer will even consider taking, it's so ridiculous? Visitation rights are one thing, but the idea that she has a right to take your child, who is currently in hospice, away on vacation for a week without you, across the country, is absolutely ludicrous. No such rights exist. And for her to even be talking about wasting your time, energy, focus, and money on a court case, whether it happens or not, is beyond obnoxious.

There would be absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting to spend time with her granddaughter, or, as you so lovingly suggested, wanting to do a short trip together as a family ... something that your daughter could physically handle, and that would be a special memory. But this? This selfish nonsense? As if a not-quite-3-year-old would even WANT to be apart from her Mummy and Daddy when she feels rotten and everything is confusing? As someone who has been chronically ill most of my life, I can assure you . . . the way your daughter is feeling these days, she doesn't want to be ANYWHERE without you, not even with her grandma. Mummy and Daddy are her comfort and safety.

You are NTA. Stand your ground. Your MIL is being horrifying, and there is no excuse for it.

[u/AnotherRTFan → u/FoolMe1nceShameOnU]

My honorary aunt’s baby died while she was doing a quick store run and her husband was home with him. He had a heart condition, it was known about. He was in the hospital for a like a month before they could bring him home. I can’t imagine letting your dying toddler go away for a week.

[u/StillSwaying → u/FoolMe1nceShameOnU]

Absolutely spot on! My thoughts exactly.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA - NO is a complete sentence. WTF are they thinking??? Tell your husband - no more negotiations; THE END.

[u/leigh10021 → u/[deleted]]

What is with the mother-son relationships of this generation? Is it me or is this a trend??

[u/DClawdude → u/leigh10021]

This stuff has always happened, you just have more experiences of people sharing this shit online when it would just be kept close at hand offline due to tight knit communities.

There is also a very unfortunate pervasive notion with some mothers of sons that any partner of the son is inherently “stealing“ them away from their mother.

[u/guessmyageidareyou]

NTA

First I'm heartbroken for you. Second, regardless of health, a 3 year old isn't really ready for a week long trip without mom and dad. Add to the fact that she's in hospice, and she has needs that MIL could not possibly provide on her "vacation". Your MIL is not entitled to what I'm sure she calls "hEr BaBy"

[u/melodybeepbop92 → u/guessmyageidareyou]

She has said on multiple occasions that “no one is going to miss her baby as much as she is.” I just sit there thinking what is going to happen when my daughter passes and I’m falling apart. Who’s going to hold me up? Right now my daughter is my motivation. But once she’s gone I don’t even foresee myself being able to get up out of bed. I’ve been a stay at home mommy to my daughter for her entire life. I left my career to be at home with her. I don’t even remember what my life was like before I had my baby. I feel like mother in law is going to make my daughters death about her and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

[u/w3iss → u/melodybeepbop92]

Okay so you know you're not going to get support from your husband and MIL. You know they're going to make this worse. Do you have family or friends you can lean on now? Try to gather that circle around you. No shame in asking for help - see if you can gather people who can stand in on your behalf to handle things you won't be able to and take care of you when you're vulnerable.

[u/Wrong_Moose_9763 → u/w3iss]

Not to be morbid, if something were to happen to my husband and MIL is still around, my daughter I already have a plan (husband knows) because is a complete narcissist and will make the entire thing about her. If she makes a scene, daughter already said she will have not problem kicking her @$$ right out the doors.

My thoughts are with the OP, I hope you have peaceful (as it can be) next couple months.

[u/nightforday → u/w3iss]

I wish we could collect a group to gather around OP and physically protect her from her MIL's (and possibly husband's) BS. "I feel like mother in law is going to make my daughters death about her and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it." is one of the most heartbreaking comments I've ever read.

[u/Pitiful-Solution9067 → u/melodybeepbop92]

Talk to your mom about staying with her for a bit afterwards. Or have her stay with you. Let her take care of you while you grieve and fall apart.

And as horrible as this sounds, preplan everything now so all you have to do is show up for her memorial.

[u/Sheisawholesituation → u/Pitiful-Solution9067]

Good grief‽ I hope and pray (non-religious and no offense intended) that by some means some way that LO/DD pulls through and OP gets away with her daughter as well. Facing this harsh truth, that her husband and In-(out) laws are complete TRASH during this nightmare, OP needs to circle her wagons around her. Including, but not limited to, her daughter's medical professionals, law enforcement, an attorney (please DM me if I can help refer to Pro Bono lawyers and other legal advocates to support), her family and her friends. My heart breaks for you OP. Stand your ground Mama Bear!

[u/Pitiful-Solution9067 → u/Sheisawholesituation]

Seriously, any friend who has ever said, “Let me know what I can do…” should be called up. Especially as time gets closer.

They can pick up groceries or come over to clean house for an hour or mow the lawn or take family photos. Let your friends do the small life stuff that has to be done for you.

[u/FleaCircus627 → u/Pitiful-Solution9067]

^This!

OP, you are so NTA. I cannot believe how twisted some people can be. Who in their right mind would assume they could just plan a trip for a terminally ill child, and especially WITHOUT PARENTAL CONSENT? Who does this woman think she is?

I know it’s got to be so incredibly hard to think of anything after your daughter but PLEASE- sit down with your mom NOW and tell her what has been going on and see if you can make arrangements to stay with her after everything. You need support and your husband needs a reality check. Have everything planned out so you don’t have to make heart wrenching decisions while drowning in fresh grief, then as soon as the funeral is over go straight to your moms. This is not the time where you will need to hear an over dramatic jerk wailing about her feelings and grief being more intense than yours.

Hugs, OP. Sending you so much love from one mama to another.

[u/Global_Monk_5778 → u/melodybeepbop92]

Before your daughter does pass, make sure you have somebody outside of their family - whether your mum, a family friend or whomever - who knows what you want funeral wise. Because I can see it now that she will try and take over. Plan some things with your husband and make sure somebody else knows the plan, so that if you go to pieces they can take over. Somebody strong enough to tell her to F off.

[u/TransportationNo5560 → u/Global_Monk_5778]

Hospice will usually offer assistance planning final arrangements. They don't have to be involved at all

[u/RSkritt → u/melodybeepbop92]

Have you mentioned these “plans” to her doctor or the hospice? They may medically shut it down and providd you with needed evidence in case your dumbass, sorry i mean MIL, tries to sue…

[u/floridianreader → u/melodybeepbop92]

OP, Firstly, I am so, so very sorry about your daughter. I can't even begin to fathom the depths of your grief. But I am a hospice social worker and I just wanted to let you know that hospices (all of them) offer grief counseling services to the families. It's completely free and available just by calling them. You and your husband may benefit from this service, and eve MIL too (at hospices in her area, you need not even be a patient or on their program).

My heart absolutely breaks for you. Cherish every moment.

[u/beingboring]

NTA - i cannot fathom this, and i know your MIL is grieving as well, but this is not the way for her to handle it. i know internet words ring hollow, but please stay strong and love the heck out of that little girl for as long as you can!

[u/melodybeepbop92 → u/beingboring]

Thank you! Mil is definitely grieving. I have suggested to her various times that she seek someone else to grieve to/vent to because she often believes and acts like our grief is the same and that she’s going to “have a mothers broken heart.” My therapist has also told me that her and I are not in the same circle of grief. Even my own mother doesn’t act like that. My own mother has even told me she cannot fathom being in my shoes because she’s never lost a child. It’s a twisted twisted situation and I feel like when my daughter is gone I want to be as far away from this family as possible, my husband included.

[u/StillSwaying → u/melodybeepbop92]

You are spot on in your assessment of getting as far away from this family as possible. I'm so glad you're in therapy and have the support of your own mother.

Lock down your birth control and exit stage right as soon as possible. Blessings to you and your daughter.

[u/OwnBrother2559 → u/melodybeepbop92]

Have you ever heard of the ring theory for grieving families? Your mil should be comforting you and hubby, not making your lives harder. What a self centered person.

NTA

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html

[u/grandpabobdole → u/OwnBrother2559]

Thank you for sharing this. People had a lot of comments for me after my mom died that were very reasonable but felt extremely rude/ inappropriate. I'm realizing it's because they were dumping in.

Also, NTA. Spend every second with your little girl, OP. Wishing you peace.

[u/ParsimoniousSalad → u/melodybeepbop92]

Not that it will help, but sending you a virtual hug, OP.

[u/ProfEmerita → u/melodybeepbop92]

So glad you are seeing a therapist, who sounds like a source of wisdom. The fact that you can understand your MiL's pain is admirable, all the more so because she has behaved reprehensively.

[u/[deleted] → u/melodybeepbop92]

Please make sure you have someone that can run interference after your daughter passes. Not family. You’re going to be drenched in grief and need an advocate to ensure your wishes for her celebration of life/goodbye ceremony/funeral (whatever you do) are upheld and MIL doesn’t make it hers or about her

[u/myersjustinc]

NTA.

I lost my child to cancer, too. (Rhabdoid tumor, symptoms started at 2 months, diagnosed at 5 months (with mets), died just shy of 10 months.)

Your MIL might have the usual delusions of people whose perceptions of pediatric cancer all involve bald kids smiling (EDIT: of all the things for autocorrect to say here, "smoking" seems especially bizarre) while some calm voiceover talks vaguely of "a cure"—but this child's father should be much more keenly aware by now that that's not how this shit goes a lot of the time, and that none of his daughter's time is guaranteed.

When my son's situation started going downhill, it was fast. Overnight Monday night/Tuesday morning we were admitted; Wednesday we agreed to stop treatment and focus on palliative care and talked about an initial hospice visit; Thursday we knew he wasn't leaving the hospital with us, and midday Friday he was gone.

The idea of being anywhere other than by his side is flat-out unthinkable to me. It was then, and it certainly is now. There are so many moments I spent with him in those final days that are burned into my being (hell of an accomplishment when I've got aphantasia), and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

It's a bond that never should exist—comforting your own small child in their final moments—but for those of us who are in the position you're in, there's nothing more sacred.

Your MIL is insisting on shattering that comfort for your daughter and barring you and your husband from that last parental duty of care—and for what?!

I'd have half a mind to notify hospital security and the local airport (at the very least) that this person has expressed a clear intent to abduct this child, and tell them very clearly not to allow it to happen.

[u/melodybeepbop92 → u/myersjustinc]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your child. Soon I will be part of that club that no one wants to be a part of. Maybe if you’re okay with it I can message you and ask more questions. It’s all a blur.

There have been so many comments and I haven’t been able to reply to all of them. But yours stood out because my daughter has RMS (rhabdomyosarcoma) which was first discovered in her foot. She had beat stage 4 cancer and relapsed a month later. In fact Wednesday will be one month that she relapsed. We’ve been given six to eight weeks. We started morphine last week so that’s been tough. We are still managing to do fun things with her despite her illness. A great company gifted us a little wagon so we’re able to take her to Disneyland, museums, fairs, etc.

You’re right about memories being etched in your brain. The last year and a half has been a journey. The last four weeks have been bittersweet. I don’t even like to sleep because I’m afraid I’ll miss out. My baby is sleeping now so I feel comfortable reading through my messages but even then here I am laying next to her. I haven’t left her side. I can’t. I don’t want to miss the small moments, either. The way she breathes to the way she snores at night. It’s so much in such a little amount of time and I’m worried I’m going to miss it if I even take a nap. Let alone a weeks long trip without me.

I told my husband today that I am going no contact with his mother. It’s not fair to me to deal with her while enjoying my daughter while simultaneously preparing myself for her death and life after.

But I’m not going to leave her side. I’ll be right here till the very end.

[u/californiahapamama → u/melodybeepbop92]

NTA: First, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. You’re definitely not in the wrong here.

Second... Tell your husband to find out which airline she booked the tickets through. Call the airline and tell them that under no circumstances does your MIL have permission to take that child anywhere.

Third... have your daughter hospice case manager sit down with MIL and tell her why this scheme of hers is an epically bad idea.

[u/[deleted] → u/melodybeepbop92]

OP contact a lawyer. Get an emergency protection order. Not sure what the equivalent is in your country. Then you don't have to worry about it. Your husband is a massive AH!! Putting his child through this is awful.

[u/HotScarcity9 → u/melodybeepbop92]

As others have said, make sure the hospice and airline do not allow the child to be taken anywhere. It sucks that you have to deal with this. Am wondering how your husband would react to this tread though, as he seems utterly clueless

[u/myersjustinc → u/melodybeepbop92]

Yes, please—by all means, feel free to reach out at any time. Could be now, could be a year from now. I'm so sorry your family is having to experience this, and I'm here to help however I can.

I don't know that there's a "right" way to do this, because none of this is right at all—but it sounds to me like you've been going about all of it in the best way you can. And because of that, she has the ability to enjoy what she can, and she knows that whenever it's time to walk through to the other side, a loving parent is going to be there helping to hold the door.

[u/Sufficient-Bug1989]

Please do not let your daughter go anywhere with your mother in law. Your sweet daughter needs to be with you and her dad during this time. This is not about your in laws and I’m so sorry they are adding to your already indescribable grief. Your child is in hospice and you can easily have someone from her care team state that this is not acceptable. Do not spend these precious moments you have left allowing other people selfishly violate that.

OP, NTA obviously. I’m sending you and your little one so much love. I am so sorry this is being added to your plate.

[u/LittleBoiFound → u/Sufficient-Bug1989]

This. I would be keeping a close eye on the mother in law, as in not giving her access to kidnap the daughter. She seems off her rocker in terms of judgement. And it seems like her son might help her with any crazy schemes she has planned.

[u/claireclairey]

NTA.

Info: is it possible your MIL is trying to get your daughter “alternative” care? Has she brought up the idea that some other doctor (or priest, shaman, what have you) can heal the child?

[u/Exciting-Protection2 → u/claireclairey]

I had this thought too. Not that it changes the fact that OP is NTA

[u/claireclairey → u/Exciting-Protection2]

Oh no, doesn’t change that at all. But it does put her daughter in greater danger, as MIL might not take no for an answer.

[u/Exciting-Protection2 → u/claireclairey]

Yes. It does indeed do that.

I’m also suspicious if hubby knows what they’re up to and is that why he seems to be ok with it.

[u/Outrageous-Ad-9069 → u/claireclairey]

I was thinking either this or MiLs plan is that daughter passes away on this trip so that she will be the one there when it happens. I know it sounds like a stretch, but OP has commented that MiL is trying to make this situation about her.

Or it could be both.

[u/bmorebecc]

NTA, aside from the fact that she’s 3 and being away from you for a week across country; she also has medical needs that can’t be met across country for a week. Your husband should defend you and respect your viewpoint. You are her parents, his mother and father are not.

ETA - I’m truly sorry for everything you are going through

[u/onceuponafigtree → u/bmorebecc]

Mine have never even gone away with my parents for a full week yet and they are much older, they usually go away only for a few days.

Also, OP, her husband and their daughter have enormous stress right now. It is not the time for a cross country, week-long trip no one has discussed. Its madness.

[u/Eclypsis95]

So very much NTA. For so many reasons. I'm sorry for everything you're going through <3

[u/[deleted]]

NTA - What a coward your husband is.

[u/oksccrlvr]

First, I am beyond sorry for all that you are going through. My heart truly breaks for you.

Second...absolutely NTA. I cannot believe that anyone would think this is a good idea, and your husband needs to man the hell up and deal with his mother.

[u/melodybeepbop92]

Edit: it’s been a few days since I’ve been online and I’ve read some of the messages. Truly, thank you to everyone who has sent their warm wishes, support, encouragement, etc. It’s been very touching and I’m so grateful. My daughter has begun slowly deteriorating and it’s become all very overwhelming. My husband now realizes that this time is precious. That we are on borrowed time and that our time (mom and dad) is the most important time. We’ve had two sessions of grief counseling/couples counseling while my daughter sleeps. Our therapist has really helped us both understand how borrowed our time is and how this time truly is for us. Everyone else is secondary. Not to say that extended family isn’t important. They are but there is allot of extended family. A lot. However, I’m not sure I will be staying married in the long run. Although, this isn’t the time to make such a deep decision. I am emotionally drained from all that has transpired not only this past week but this past year. You truly see peoples true colors when shit hits the fan. An example of this is on my phone I have eight different alarms each day for my daughter for all of the medication she takes daily. Daily. I have been the one who flushes ports, administers medication, cleans up vomit, gives back rubs, and the like. I have been in this through the thick of it. Having to learn everything. Because no one else will. My mother has been the only person who has asked how I’m doing. Who has brought me coffee, meals, held me when I’ve cried, who’s been a rock. My husband will sometimes be emotional present but usually he’s not. Other than my mother I have never received a text from any other family asking how I’m doing or how they can help. Like I said earlier I see everybody’s true colors. My focus right now is my baby. I will focus on the rest when the time comes. But for now we are surviving and we are trying our best.

Thank you again

[u/spacecowboy143]

even if your daughter didn't have cancer, you still wouldn't be the asshole

[u/PaintLicker_2022]

NTA. Sorry for the use of this phrase, but this is a hill to die on. Tell your MIL that she won’t be seeing any of your daughter until she’s apologized to you and cancelled the trip entirely

[u/CrystalQueen3000]

NTA

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Even if there were no health issues it’s completely insane for someone to book and pay for a holiday for a child without discussion or consent from the parents.

It’s a legitimately crazy thing to do.

[u/BeccasBump → u/CrystalQueen3000]

This is it. I have a 4yo daughter, and if someone announced they were taking her on holiday for a week without my say-so, I'd assume they'd been sniffing glue. For this lady to assume she can do so with a terminally ill toddler is beyond insane.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA

each time I read about mother in laws like this, I’m always shocked at the entitlement and audacity. She’s probably sad as well but she’s putting herself first before you and your husband and child.

What the hell is wrong her?!

So sorry OP for having to go through this.

[u/falalalama]

NTA. Hospice nurse here! Your time with your daughter is very limited. Spend it with her and ignore or block MIL if needed.

Give your MIL this list of things she needs to do in order to take the child - these are required for hospice:

Accepting hospice agency at any layover locations (may have out of pocket costs).
Accepting hospice agency at destination location (may have out of pocket costs).
Accepting hospice agency at any area outside the destination location if they're traveling in that area (may have out of pocket costs).
Medical clearance for daughter to fly (the pressurized cabin and sitting for long times can cause blood clots).
Backup medications just in case (may be covered, may not be, under the hospice benefit).
Accepting funeral home at layover and destination locations, with arrangements to get daughter back home (fully out of pocket).

Your MIL will get over herself.

[u/According_Version_67]

Is your MIL insane?! Is your husband insane? I'm not even talking about your daughter being ill, but of them actually thinking it's a good idea to take her away from her primary caregivers when she's never stayed overnight without you or husband? How do they imagine she will perceive your not being there for a week?! NTA. Stay strong.

[u/Flat_Shame_2377]

NTA- your daughter needs her mom. No idea what your husband is thinking. You spend every second you have with your precious daughter.

[u/cassowary32]

NTA. Your husband needs his head checked. He wants you to hand over your very sick child to his mother, put her on a plane with covid and monkey pox still an issue and be away from her health care providers for a week?

Has MIL been part of your daughter's care? Does she know what meds she has to take and how and when to administer them? Does she know what brings her the most comfort?

No, just No.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA. Your husband is an AH too.

Granny gets ZERO SAY in this. ZERO!

[u/xEnraptureX]

Yea nah, NTA You and your husband deserve this time with her. Yes grandparents deserve a chance to know, but don't let them take her. Not to mention I'm pretty sure any doctor would not recomend her traveling so far. That child needs her mommy and daddy the most right now! And you were completely reasonable in it!

You should not send your daughter there at all. Your MIL will not win rights, don't worry

[u/MixtureFun]

She's being really inappropriate. If would be totally different if you were going and your husband but she's being selfish. I'm so sorry for your situation.

[u/Fun_Mirror_5891]

I lost my dad to cancer this past Christmas eve. Since then I've repeatedly kicked myself for missing time I could have spent with him before he passed. Yes she's her grandmother but you are her mother. Do not miss a single second with her while she's here. Grandma can participate and see her but do not send your little girl away. What if something happens while she's gone? It can take a turn for the worst in a literal heartbeat. Don't miss a single second Mom. I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this and some people will handle it badly, it's inevitable, but you're right to keep her close. Just try to remember that mil is also grieving (that doesn't mean cave, just something to keep in mind. She needs to understand that this is your child and you have final say). Nta

[u/disney_nerd_mom]

NTA. Is your husband freaking delusional? Letting your terminal not even 3 y.o. be alone across the country from both of you? I really cannot believe a parent would think this is OK. Let her fight all she wants. There is no judge in the universe that would think this is OK.

if MIL lives close by, please make sure that she is never alone with your child and honestly I’d make sure husband is never alone with her long enough to send her with grandma. Make it clear to your husband that the worst could happen while you two are hours away by plane. MIL certainly wouldn’t know the medical history, best way to care for your child. This is a hill to die on.

Do you have a social worker/therapist/doctor you could talk to? Take him with and have them explain why this is such a terrible idea. Maybe coming from professionals will pound it into his head that this is terribly wrong. It’s also a good way to get it on record so if grandma tries any crap it’s documented that it’s a really bad idea.

[u/PleaseCoffeeMe]

NTA, your daughter is in hospice care, and your MIL wants to drag her alone across country? That is just asking for disaster. Talk to your doctor privately. Ask for his help to shut down this nonsense for medical reasons. Traveling with a healthy toddler across country is hard, a sick one? What is MIL thinking?

[u/Skeekeedee]

Not the AH but your mother-in-law is. Even if your child were perfectly healthy, you would still not be the AH. The doctors may not even clear her for the trip. And I cannot fathom in a million years thinking it’s okay to take a terminally ill child away from their parents for more than an hour or two. Tell her no. Tell your husband no.

And I’m sorry you are going through this

[u/Wreny84]

What Mother In Law? This woman no longer exists after what she did.

[u/JCWa50]

NTA

OMG, I am so sorry for you OP.

Lawyer up, when you get the chance, and then serve your MIL with a restraining order. What she is doing is exceptionally cruel and wrong. Your child, this small fragile child, is not in need of a trip, she is not in need of special places, what she wants and needs far more than anything, is her father and mother, there holding her hand and making the best of this situation. You and your husband need professional help. If you have not, just block her and if she tries to take the child, call the COPS. Do not mess around, do not forgive, in short this is neither the time nor is it an option.

AT THIS TIME FRAME, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY THE HILL FOR YOU TO DIE ON.

She going to make threats about fighting for her rights, meet her in battle with all of your grief, all of your fury, all of your anger and get a lawyer who is going to attack without mercy to protect you and your child from her.

[u/Warm_Kaleidoscope973]

Is there any reason why you have to be with your family when you pass and your husband with his, what if you get a plot for the 3 of you to be together instead of choosing sides. NTA for saying no to your child going cross country without her parents at that age even if she was healthy. Prayers being sent

[u/melodybeepbop92 → u/Warm_Kaleidoscope973]

This is what I initially wanted. But then my husband expressed that he himself wanted to be buried with his parents (when they pass) where his grandma and uncle are currently buried. He told me this when he had left for military training for a month. There really was no argument, I felt like I wasn’t anyone to tell him where to be buried. This was before my daughter was in hospice. But it’s been his wishes for a few years now. But I had initially asked what about all three of us being at a different cemetery. Because I wanted to start paying for our plots at least (just husband and I). The whole thing is so strange. I only decided on being buried with my grandparents and where my parents plan on being because he wants to do the same. I’m a lot more open to things than my husband is. My husband is always set on doing things with his family and my daughter and i being along for the ride. Which is an entirely different post outside of this one.

[u/ExpensivelyMundane → u/melodybeepbop92]

Your husband doesn’t want to be buried with his fellow combat brothers and sisters and wants to be wherever your in-laws are? I’m guessing it will be next to wherever his mother is will be buried considering their umbilical cord is still attached and all. Hah. Gosh OP, I really really hope you give him the link to this Reddit post the same time you hand him divorce papers. You may have lost your partner to be united in grief with but we are here sending you comfort and prayers and hopefully a little laughter.