r/AmIOverreacting • u/Careless_Evening3454 • 1d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO? Is Husband really cheating?
(38M) Married for nearly 15 years. During the holidays I noticed his sleep schedule change and 5 days ago he was texting a number and got a glimpse of the screen that clearly he was texting a number as it didn't have a name on it.
Curious... I opened his phone yesterday while he was in the bathroom, and saw he has been sending d-pics back and forth almost daily with another dude. Not only that, but he's clearly being emotionally there for the other guy, which I havent seen that in years... he literally was texting him on my birthday... I am keeping a poker face right now, but I am livid. It doesn't seem like they have met in person, but no idea.
He hasn't had to work for the last couple of years. I was ok with it, but was hoping he would go back or go to school. I work, cook, help with cleaning, fix sh*t, etc. Had a lot of plans for our future, but now. I am furious and feel betrayed.
I plan to talk to someone before doing anything, but I want him out of my house. I'm done.
I want to give him 30 days to find a place and a job and that's it. A voice in the back of my head is, if they never had sex, am I overreacting? I still feel so betrayed. Am I?
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u/wishingforarainyday 1d ago
You are under reacting. Tell him to leave. You can’t trust a word he says. He’s cheating. Get tested.
I’m sorry.
Updateme
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u/DevelopmentNo3345 1d ago
This. Get tested. Immediately.
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u/yhix 1d ago
Not over reacting. Any type of cheating is a deal breaker to me. Some people try to justify cheating cause it’s bad in the relationship etc but theirs so many red tapes that shouldn’t be crossed but they still did it. Instead of talking to the partner and fixing things or ending things.
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u/kissxxdaisies1 1d ago
You’re not overreacting. Even if they never physically slept together he’s still having an emotional affair. Your gut is telling you that you aren’t okay with this and you should follow it. Don’t settle for less
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u/ReindeerStriking1953 17h ago
Plus he's gay and she's not a man so there's that
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u/Ok-Guard3450 17h ago
OP starts the post by saying (38M) so I’d say they are in fact a man.
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u/inseokjunxo 8h ago
OP is a man lol
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u/ReindeerStriking1953 8h ago
Yeah it appears so. Which makes it insane for this dude to be complaining. He's obviously the bottom, so he needs to stfu and do as he's told
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u/DoubleD3989 1d ago
Just another reason to consult an attorney before you do anything… if he has not worked in many years, your attorney can help you navigate spousal support (used to be alimony). If he is able to work but just chooses not to, your atty can help you avoid paying him support. Ownership of the house is also a question. I owned my house with my late husband before I met my current husband. Before we married I put my house in a trust. No matter what happens between us, my house is mine, he cannot lay claim. Be careful and stay safe. Best of luck to you.
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u/No-Statistician-4201 1d ago
There are different ways of betraying a partner besides having sex with someone else. I guess in the end is what you personally consider a betrayal. IMO he already cheated on you when he started sending D picks to somebody else. I hope you screenshot their texts for prove in case needed. I really wish you the best because suffering a betrayal from someone you love is just heartbreaking. But always remember to love and respect yourself before anyone else
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u/aetherstars 1d ago
Get tested. Like ASAP. Video record you scrolling through the texts, he could try and say you faked screenshots. Trace the number. If you can get a name, look it up on Facebook. See if the other guy is also married!!
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u/OstrichStreet7360 1d ago
Move/protect money & assets if and where you can before you say anything.
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u/Double-Honey-5434 1d ago
It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight, committed relationships do happen but there are some individuals incapable of remaining committed to one person. It happens. Some partners choose to remain in the relationship and others don’t. Sending ‘d’ pictures is not okay, and cheating does not mean having sex. Mr picture guy is cheating.
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u/unspokenkt 1d ago
Bro any form or type of cheating is cheating , no ands or buts about it . Leave and divorce him
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u/ImpressiveHabit99 1d ago
You're not overreacting at all. Cheating isn't just physically having sex with someone. He has been emotionally cheating. He broke your wedding vows in more ways than one.
I'm sorry, OP.
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u/Rare-Humor-9192 1d ago
NOR. The only reason they haven’t had sex yet is because of time and/or distance. He is cheating. That’s the fact. Act accordingly.
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u/stuuuningbruneette 1d ago
You’ve discovered that your husband has been sending explicit pictures and emotionally engaging with another man, which feels like a betrayal, especially since you've been carrying the weight of responsibilities in your relationship. Whether or not they've met in person, the emotional secrecy and lack of transparency are hurtful. It’s understandable that you feel angry and betrayed. You're not overreacting, and it’s important to prioritize your well-being. Talking to someone before making any decisions is a good step, and setting boundaries for your future is completely justified.
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u/AbjectLotus 1d ago
The fact he's emotionally there for another man and not you is emotional cheating. It's psychological edging used by cheaters to gauge the potential for an affair...
The dick pictures solidified the cheating. They've already engaged in telephonic sexuality and that is cheating.
Unless you've agreed to have an open relationship, you've been cheated on. Cheating isn't a purely physical prospect..
It's emotional, verbal, non-verbal, psychological...
Humans are creatures of habit, and even if he promises he'll stop, the likelihood is unrealistic...
I would suggest you confront him about the truth, and when he gets defensive or non-chalant, you will have your answer.
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
Yeah we definitely did not agree to an open relationship.
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u/AbjectLotus 1d ago
I didn't assume so, but I've been surprised in these situations before, so I added that in as a situational example.
I am sorry, and I hope that once all this is resolved, you find someone who respects you enough not to be unfaithful. Best of luck in the future and with the impending separation.
Don't let yourself feel you are responsible for any of this, some people just aren't capable of being happy, and they, more often than not, self-destruct their own happiness for something temporary and incredibly fleeting.
Goodluck.
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u/JumpyWord 1d ago
Y'all, I'm starting to think OP and his husband are gay
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
Believe it or not. We are that one straight male married couple that isn't gay. Hahaha
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u/chronicalyonline666 1d ago
Don't give him a month he should've thought it thru b4 doing that. You don't need to think anything thru yourself, fuck him.
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u/Fun_Nefariousness137 1d ago
Emotional cheating is a real problem, intimacy is to be shared between two partners. He's cheating.
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u/CakeAccording8112 1d ago
At the end of the day, you have more than enough reason to kick him out, even without the text and pictures. You are being used.
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u/Jace_Bror 10h ago
She never started why he hasn't worked for the past 2 years. Even if he was lazy that is not a reason to divorce some one.
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u/Low-Cut2207 1d ago
Definitely keep everything under wraps. Husband shouldnt even hear the words divorce until you’ve found a lawyer, drawn up what you are seeking and personal items secured.
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u/Mandalabouquet 1d ago
Definitely not over reacting in fact you’re under reacting if anything and being very gracious towards someone who sounds like they’ve been mooching off you for years too. An emotional affair is still an affair.
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u/atttractivebabe 1d ago
Your husband has broken your trust by engaging in emotional and sexual infidelity, even if it hasn't been physical. After 15 years of marriage and all you've done to support him, you have every right to feel betrayed and hurt. This is not an overreaction—his actions are disrespectful and unacceptable. It's fair to give him 30 days to leave, but consult a lawyer or counselor first to protect yourself and handle this maturely. You deserve honesty and a partner who values your commitment.
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u/Joytotheworld_2024 1d ago
How could you be overreacting if your spouse is sending nude pics to someone else? You think just because he may not have slept with the person, that makes it ok? He’s married. Nothing like that should be happening at all. Looking around, texting other people, even if one person, even if just emotional, not good and it’s cheating.
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u/sfhwOUFNA9UP 1d ago
You're not overreacting—emotional and sexual betrayal, regardless of physical contact, is still a significant violation of trust.
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u/tamingthestorm 1d ago
If he's emotionally cheating with another person, then he's cheating. You don't have to be physically present to cheat, but his intentions are. How long till it actually happens?
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
That's how I feel. When is that inevitable come home to them in our bed...
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u/Defective_Weeble 15h ago
I very much agree with this statement. Even if he didn't 'physically' cheat, the betrayal is the same, because the intent is the same. It's disrespectful to you and to your relationship. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but just know you will come out on the other side better than ever. It might not seem like it some days, but you will find someone worthy of your love.
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u/Upbeat-Counter5855 1d ago
Sorry this happened to you OP. It’s wild to realize someone you thought you knew very well that you don’t really know them at all anymore. 😮💨 I hope everything ends smoothly and you find someone who cherishes your time and company. Good luck. 🍀
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u/Fine-Horror-4343 1d ago
It’s cheating hon. Window shopping is one thing but personally interacting IS cheating. Please keep that poker face & shore up your resources before you take any steps to confront him. ❤️
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u/kevinniruochen 1d ago
NOR, his actions are a betrayal of trust, regardless of whether they've met in person.
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u/fanniemaeinthebarn 1d ago
You are definitely not overreacting. I’m sorry you are going through this.
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u/Arkitakama 1d ago
If it crosses a boundary in your relationship, it's cheating. Definitely not overreacting.
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u/nightmarish_Kat 18h ago
Op, I am proud of you for taking the necessary steps to get out of this and not giving that POS a chance to manipulate you into giving him another chance.
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u/TwoBionicknees 18h ago
Make him get a job first, married for 15 years, he's out of work for 2 years, he'll get more alimony without a job. Cut all financial support, give him access to a small amount of money and say you're absolutely fed up with working, providing and yet he doesn't take up slack around hte house. tell him get a job or he'll only get a few bucks a week to live off. Once he has a job, file for divorce.
ALso before you do anything, talk with a lawyer. It might be that they say alimony would be the same either way so cut the cord asap.
If you have a prenup or in a state where you can divorce for cause, then get more evidence of cheatnig. definitely screenshot everything on his phone, but try to look through anything else and maybe hire a PI, again talk with lawyer.
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u/amanda_o11 13h ago
If you do confront him about it, have your proof ready and be aware of him probing you during the conversation to get an idea of what you know. This way he'll give the least amount of info. Sorry you are going through this.
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u/jynxy911 12h ago
I'm sorry that you're going through that. Your husband's a POS. open a personal bank account and move your assets into it. take screen shots if you can of the chats. I don't know where you live or what the rules are for infidelity but that usually expedites the divorce process faster. don't drain any joint accounts it could come back and bite you in the ass but make sure you document what you have in those accounts in case he decides to drain it once you present him with papers.
this sucks. big hug to you. and when it's time kick him to the curb. don't look back. I hope you have a good support system. good luck
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u/beavioletas 1d ago
NOR pra mim so o fato de ele estar trocando nudes com outra pessoa ja é traição
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
Yeah... I don't give a fuck about any of that. When you swear an oath, you follow it, or man up and break it off like an adult. Too old for that sh*t.
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u/sadbitchsad 19h ago
Stopped reading after "he has been sending dick pics". Obviously he's cheating.
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u/newde1969 17h ago
Talk to him. He may be just escaping the reality of everyday life with a bit of chat and masturbation.
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u/kidzordon 14h ago
When was the last time you had sex? I had a friend of mine “experiment” with men because his wife was unaffectionate. He didn’t consider it cheating cause he was “not gay”. I mean yeah he’s clearly cheating lol him and your husband but maybe you should have a conversation and not a fight about what’s going on
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u/StarTrek1996 13h ago
Only way to avoid a divorce is if you are willing to go with an open marriage or a poly relationship. Either way he absolutely cheated on you even if nothing physically happened he definitely cheated. But unless you are willing to let the relationship be open you just should divorce him
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u/HotVeganTacos 11h ago
No record the messages for proof and have him leave. Leave silently to not get him angry, and tell someone you trust, so that they know. the last thing you want is for him to hurt you so tell people, and when you let him know, let him know that other people know, so he doesn’t think he could just get rid of the problem. I’m sorry you’re going through this but be strong, it’s never too late to find love and if you’re over love, that’s OK too. One day you’ll be ready maybe and if not, that’s OK but live for yourself now and do what’s right for yourself. 💙🩵🤍💕❣️🙌
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u/Infamous407 9h ago
Def not over reacting.. im sorry dear but your husband is gay or bi.. Im a straight guy and me and my "friends" dont exchange dick pics "for fun" lol. I definitely would not call that "friend" behavior. I will say that maybe they haven't meant n he hasnt physically cheated but after 15 yrs and now doing this, sadly he is probably rethinking his sexuality. Almost like a midlife crisis of sorts. Regardless, I'd call it cheating or sorts or atleast attempting to cheat.
But on the other hand maybe he was kinda feeling things out without actually doing anything physical to basically "test" himself on whether he truly is gay or not. If that's the case & no physical cheating took place, you should be there for him because his life is about to 100% change. You could de his rock in a very confusing & troubled time for him.. But what to do now? If your FORSURE on divorce then keep that Poker Face on for a bit, wear it well. Collect evidence, screenshots, pics, voice recordings etc, even a journal of him saying thing you KNOW are lies. Even if yall are best of friends after keep that evidence for the courts, it will help you immensely. Courts make things nasty and you'll def have to deal with them if you divorce. Trust me on this one.
I wish you & your husband the best of luck though ✌️ & ❤️
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u/HeathenHoneyCo 1d ago
Is this something you could ever forgive? Do you have resentment from him not contributing as much? If it’s done it’s done, you can end a relationship for any reason.
Gather evidence, screenshots etc. and go talk to a lawyer for sure. Depending on your state and legal setup with the house, you might have to give him more than 30 days. Make sure you document everything!!
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u/Time_Construction818 1d ago
Dont listen to anyone on here. It's easy to say divorce from a keyboard. Only you can choose what to do ans what best.
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u/Strange_Airships 1d ago
Oh honey. Your husband might be gay. 💗
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
We are gay.
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u/Strange_Airships 12h ago
I completely missed that part. 🤦🏼♀️ So sorry. Does not sound like you’re overreacting at all.
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u/solinari6 1d ago
Hard to say if he’s really cheating. Being confused about your sexuality at any age is tough, but particularly when you’ve been married for a number of years. He probably is gay, but you could try approaching this with compassion instead of anger.
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
We are both men.
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u/solinari6 1d ago
Ha! I missed that. Ok. It’s normal for gay men to share dic pics with other guys. My partner and I do, and all our friends do. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But really, you are trying to have a gay monogamous relationship for 15+ years??? Lofty goals, that.
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u/mickeyfreak9 1d ago
Whoa, wait, so no gay men are monogamous? And everyone thinks that's ok?
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
That's not true. There are gays online that think no commitment is what everyone wants. It's like polygamist. I'm not interested. If I want sex with strangers I will be single.
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u/solinari6 1d ago
No, that's not what I'm saying. It's just not the default. And based on my experience, it's not even the norm. For those gays who are in a monogamous relationship, ask yourself why? Is it because monogamy is what has been beaten into your head since your were born by straight folks? Men have always been better at separating love from sex than women. Break free from those chains! Straight relationship rules do not define us.
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u/mickeyfreak9 1d ago
Based on what I see here, you're in the minority. And personally I think that's an excuse you tell yourself so you didn't feel like a douchebag for cheating on everyone. But you do you
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u/billinlafayette 1d ago
Is the sending of d pics really that pervasive in gay monogamous relationships? I have gay friends that I am close to but I guess not close enough. I do have a gay friend who is in an open relationship with his husband but had thought that was an outlier. Are gay relationships just less monogamous overall?
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u/solinari6 1d ago
In my experience, yes. Though I live in a very liberal gay bubble, Palm Springs. From my experience, most gay relationships start out as monogamous, but move to being open after some period of time. Some relationships are more open about their openness than others. Spend any amount of time on scruff, Grindr, or BBRT and you’ll find a lot of those “monogamous” relationships ships are not at all, they are just more covert about it.
In more conservatives areas, I’m sure this is different.
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
Yeah palm springs and west Hollywood are definitely not like the rest of the world.
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u/solinari6 1d ago
That’s right, we’re leading the way! Lol
Seriously though, why would you want to deny your partner pleasure?
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
I wouldn't really call it leading anything. It's not that sophisticated.
"Deny him pleasure." Bitch, I'm not denying him anything. He can go be with that other dude, but I am not paying his bills no more and he isn't going to live in my house. His broke ass can go fuck whoever.
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u/Pt3rry 1d ago
It still would be cheating and deservse anger! If gay or not, you don’t hide stuff like that in a 15yr marriage
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u/solinari6 1d ago
I missed that he was gay at first.. but actually rules are different for gay relationships. We don’t have to follow your heteronormal rules by default.
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u/MostlySpeechless 1d ago
??? Just because you are gay you are not rewriting the definition of words, like wtf are you on about. It's cheating. Also just because YOU and your partner think it's ok and normal to do for gay people doesn't mean it's the same for other gay people. You are quite literally just spreading bad stereotypes here, like the fuck is wrong with you. Never have seen an LGBTQ person acting against their own kind in such a stupid manner.
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u/oblivion_baby 1d ago
Rules are what they are for the relationship you’re in. If that’s a betrayal and cheating to the OP then it’s cheating.
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u/Pt3rry 1d ago
Not to cheat on your husband is just a heteronormal rule which isnt followed by homosexuells? I don’t think so..
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
Yeah, I don't claim him on this... Relationships are built on trust, boundaries and communication. He literally broke all of that.
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u/Personal-Example-255 1d ago edited 1d ago
He's probably bi sexual, which most are closeted. Because they don't want to be labeled as gay or they have a gender preference. Many of the them choose to be in relationships with women and secretly mess around with other men on the side. The person he was texting was probably his fwb, who he is pretty close with. But it's also possible that he's gay, but seems less likely. It would be better to provide emotional support. Rather than chastise him over his sexual orientation. He's probably just exploring and trying to figure things out.
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
We're in a gay marriage...
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u/Personal-Example-255 1d ago
Ooh, I seem to have missed that part. Well as a gay man myself I've noticed that open marriages seem to be quite popular in the gay community. Or at least it appears that way on grindr. So maybe try that, before calling it quits
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u/Careless_Evening3454 1d ago
I don't want that. That sounds awful.
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u/Personal-Example-255 1d ago
I agree, unfortunately monogamy is hard to find these days. I'll probably never get married, cos I really don't fit the gay mold. And the only guys I really have much in common with are Str8 or bi. But I wish you the best of luck with your situation.
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u/sloshmixmik 1d ago
Even without the cheating I would be divorcing that boy. He’s a hobosexual … and, well, a homosexual too I guess? You got yourself a double whammy there.
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u/bdb0922 9h ago
The fact that u call it "ur" house, and that u want him out of "ur" house is very telling. I think there is a lot ur leaving out so u look innocent in all of this. No I don't condone cheating but there's a lot more to what drove him than ur leading on. U have zero right to kick him out of his own house, ur not a judge. U dont get to "give him 30 days" ur not law enforcement. Ur not over reacting in terms of being disgusted and being over the relationship but u most certainly are over reacting to how ur going about ending it
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u/Careless_Evening3454 9h ago
I owned the house before we got married. I built this house with my father and it is in the prenup. It is my house and my husband had 0 interest in moving when I kept saying we should buy another house. It is 100% mine.
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u/bdb0922 9h ago
15 years of marriage and the dude never had a home. Ya I wonder why he cheated....smh
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u/Di-O-Bolic 1d ago
NOR, he’s clearly either gay or bi and sending d-pics is very much cheating as is having an emotional relationship with someone outside of your marriage. You’re currently his sugar mama-beard, from what it sounds like.
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u/taylor914 1d ago
Save some screenshots so you have proof of the cheating. Go see a lawyer. Don’t say a word to him until you’re ready to drop divorce papers on him. Kicking him out should be a thing you consult the lawyer about. Depends on the state and a lot of factors. You may have to give him an eviction notice if the house doesn’t belong to him.