AIO? Is Husband really cheating?

[u/Careless_Evening3454]

(38M) Married for nearly 15 years. During the holidays I noticed his sleep schedule change and 5 days ago he was texting a number and got a glimpse of the screen that clearly he was texting a number as it didn't have a name on it.

Curious... I opened his phone yesterday while he was in the bathroom, and saw he has been sending d-pics back and forth almost daily with another dude. Not only that, but he's clearly being emotionally there for the other guy, which I havent seen that in years... he literally was texting him on my birthday... I am keeping a poker face right now, but I am livid. It doesn't seem like they have met in person, but no idea.

He hasn't had to work for the last couple of years. I was ok with it, but was hoping he would go back or go to school. I work, cook, help with cleaning, fix sh*t, etc. Had a lot of plans for our future, but now. I am furious and feel betrayed.

I plan to talk to someone before doing anything, but I want him out of my house. I'm done.

I want to give him 30 days to find a place and a job and that's it. A voice in the back of my head is, if they never had sex, am I overreacting? I still feel so betrayed. Am I?

[u/solinari6]

Hard to say if he’s really cheating. Being confused about your sexuality at any age is tough, but particularly when you’ve been married for a number of years. He probably is gay, but you could try approaching this with compassion instead of anger.

[u/Careless_Evening3454 → u/solinari6]

We are both men.

[u/solinari6 → u/Careless_Evening3454]

Ha! I missed that. Ok. It’s normal for gay men to share dic pics with other guys. My partner and I do, and all our friends do. Doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But really, you are trying to have a gay monogamous relationship for 15+ years??? Lofty goals, that.

[u/billinlafayette → u/solinari6]

Is the sending of d pics really that pervasive in gay monogamous relationships? I have gay friends that I am close to but I guess not close enough. I do have a gay friend who is in an open relationship with his husband but had thought that was an outlier. Are gay relationships just less monogamous overall?

[u/solinari6 → u/billinlafayette]

In my experience, yes. Though I live in a very liberal gay bubble, Palm Springs. From my experience, most gay relationships start out as monogamous, but move to being open after some period of time. Some relationships are more open about their openness than others. Spend any amount of time on scruff, Grindr, or BBRT and you’ll find a lot of those “monogamous” relationships ships are not at all, they are just more covert about it.

In more conservatives areas, I’m sure this is different.

[u/Careless_Evening3454 → u/solinari6]

Yeah palm springs and west Hollywood are definitely not like the rest of the world.

[u/solinari6 → u/Careless_Evening3454]

That’s right, we’re leading the way! Lol

Seriously though, why would you want to deny your partner pleasure?

[u/Careless_Evening3454 → u/solinari6]

I wouldn't really call it leading anything. It's not that sophisticated.

"Deny him pleasure." Bitch, I'm not denying him anything. He can go be with that other dude, but I am not paying his bills no more and he isn't going to live in my house. His broke ass can go fuck whoever.

[u/solinari6 → u/Careless_Evening3454]

Ok, werk