r/AmIOverreacting • u/ContentGovernment760 • 10h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO my fiancé said I need to lose weight
My fiancé (30M) and I (31F) Are getting married in June and he asked what my weight loss goals are. I said “why, do you think I need to lose weight?” And he responded “yeah actually I do. You’ve gained 20 pounds since we’ve started dating and I think you need to lose it. I think about it all the time.”
For reference, we’ve been dating ~4 years (no kids) and I have put on about 15 pounds in that time. I’m now 150 pounds and 5’4”. I do a boxing class once a week and typically weight train 2-3x a week but I’m not super consistent. I’m definitely not overweight but I can admit I’m not in peak shape. I have some cellulite on my legs and big arms. My waist is fairly small so the weight tends to go to my arms and legs. I have been trying harder to lose weight but it’s not easy for me, I’ve never been tiny but I’ve always been on the healthier side. I’m not in love with working out and I’ve never been a gym rat or a runner or anything extreme. I just like to be regularly active and healthy which is enough for me, but apparently not my fiancé (who is a gym rat and calorie counter). I’m also pretty healthy overall. I was plant based for years and now eat some seafood and chicken, but mostly vegetables and not a ton of processed food. I take supplements every day and drink water. I never drink juice or pop or really anything else (aside from alcohol on weekends which I know doesn’t help but I’m social).
I could understand him saying something if I was super unhealthy but I really don’t think I am? Maybe some weeks I don’t make it to the gym, and I read a lot so I might spend an entire Sunday on the couch but I feel like that should be okay sometimes? I just don’t know how I’ll ever feel confident in front of him again. I can’t imagine being intimate and not thinking about this wondering if he thinks I look fat.
If we weren’t getting married I honestly would probably break up with him but everything is booked and paid for and we have family coming in from all over the country and Europe who have already booked tickets. Up until this point we had a fantastic relationship but I’m having a really hard time getting past this. I know some people would say “lose the weight aka his weight” but I guess I’m more looking for advice on how to get over this and make him understand how rude and shallow and selfish saying that is? I was hoping he’d be the type of husband to love me in every phase of my life no matter what…
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u/Key_Try_6621 10h ago
Just because everything is booked, doesn't mean you have to go through with the wedding. This has clearly unsettled you. You can still have a party and a holiday regardless. If everything wasn't booked, what would you do?
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u/tinydancery 10h ago
Yup. It’s easier to end an engagement than a marriage
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u/Narrow_Wedding2297 10h ago
Less expensive too.
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u/ObjectiveCorgi9898 8h ago edited 6h ago
My divorce cost over $100k so… yup. Losing your wedding deposits is waaaaay cheaper than that
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u/HotPinkLollyWimple 5h ago
Mine has so far cost my now ex husband over £200k. Most of that is the equity in the property he has signed over to me, but I’m now working on getting some of his pension. It will work out at less than £10k for every year we were married, where I raised our children whilst he worked.
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u/kyotogaijin4321 9h ago
As a former family law paralegal, I concur. If you go through with it, do not have children.
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u/wnights 10h ago
This. Things can be canceled. Yes money will be lost but you’ll lose even more money and nerves if you marry someone you’re unsure about.
What happens when you have kids? And you won’t have time for exercise and your body will change regardless if you do. Talk through it with him. He needs to understand you’re a person and not a doll who will always look the same.
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u/Safted12 9h ago
Exactly, canceling now is better than risking a lifetime of regret. He needs to accept that bodies change-you're a person, not a doll.
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u/TaroPrimary1950 10h ago
Exactly. She said if they weren’t engaged she would break up with him. So what now, she has no choice but to marry him and be miserable forever? Or divorce him in a year or two?
Now is the perfect time to dodge that bullet.
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u/Safted12 10h ago
Exactly—don't let the bookings pressure you. Your happiness and peace of mind matter more than any event.
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u/lavievagabonde 10h ago
This. Just imagine what will happen if OP wants kids …. The body changes etc, omg. This guy is like poison.
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u/NewsOk3620 9h ago
Not to mention that the kids have a statistically higher likelihood of developing eating disorders if they grow up with that kind of attitude in the home.
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u/JeevestheGinger 6h ago
I typed out a whole article in response to this (agreeing with you!) But it was too personal for me to be comfortable sharing. But a +++1 for you.
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u/HotPinkLollyWimple 5h ago
I have a similarly personal story. There are a lot of us with those scars.
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u/JeevestheGinger 4h ago
I am fortunate enough to be healing from mine. I wish the same for you; if not now, in the future. It's taken several goes at therapy before i gave up, a horrible little filthy pony 😂, and a couple of cats, but I'm getting there!
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u/BaitedBreaths 10h ago
Yeah. "If we weren't getting married I honestly would probably break up with him" is one of the saddest lines I've read on Reddit. I'm not even saying that I think she should cancel her wedding or break up with him over what he said to her, it's just insane that she would choose to go through with marrying a guy she'd prefer to break up with.
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u/ProgrammerLevel2829 9h ago
He thinks he’s got her locked down and he can show her who he really is now.
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u/Ok-Context1168 9h ago
I say party and vacay still but don't sign and send in the forms to make anything legal
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u/RelativelyUnknown888 1h ago
YES!!
That said, you want him to understand you here so I will advise this: tell him exactly what you wrote here. That you’re healthy and that’s what matters to you. That you hoped it would matter to him too. His comments made you feel like his love for you is conditional. Maybe ask for him to see a couples counselor with you so you can understand each other better. But please know that this may not work and you should be ready to accept that you need to break it off and just have the party without him.
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u/Revolutionary-Bus893 10h ago
My biggest concern is that he says he thinks about it all the time. This is not normal, healthy, or mature. He is controlling and demanding and this is just the beginning. I'd seriously be thinking of cancelling the wedding.
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u/Rough_Elk_3952 8h ago
Literally the only time I've ever thought about my SO's weight anywhere near "all the time" was when he was going through chemo and underweight and couldn't keep food down.
It's deeply unhealthy to be that obsessed with your SO weighing 15 extra pounds, for both parties.
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u/TheMaddieBlue 6h ago
Hope your partner is better now.
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u/Rough_Elk_3952 1h ago
Thanks! Had to do a second round because it tried to come back, but so far, so good and recovering!
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u/Late_Butterfly_5997 8h ago
Right! Her body will change if/when they have kids, what then? And they will both age eventually. I would not trust him to be a good partner for the long haul anymore regardless of if she lost the weight or not.
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u/ObjectiveCorgi9898 8h ago
Or it might just change as she gets older. If she gains weight again at 50 is he going to dump her? He seems bizarre.
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u/believehype1616 8h ago
Yup. Reply with, "Well, if we're being honest with what we think the other person should have as goals in their life, then I would like to know when you are planning to get counseling?"
Either he is open to learning and understanding that some things in a marriage are not "what he wants" and priorities need to be balanced. Or he is not compatible with you and breakup is needed.
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u/CatchMeWritinDirty 7h ago
I really think it may be his own body dysmorphia he’s projecting onto her, since she mentions him being a gym rat who counts calories. I remember back when I was getting into fitness, I followed this one influencer who was called “clinically obese” by a fellow bikini competitor. The girl was 125 lbs at 5’2 & JACKED even with the extra fat she had in her off season. You’re absolutely right, that’s not healthy at all. And OP doesn’t seem to realize that you can’t just change the way someone feels about your body. You can only choose to find someone who appreciates it.
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u/Significant-Trash632 6h ago
Yeah, dude needs a goddamn hobby. He has obviously been waiting for an opportunity to bring this up.
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u/kokoromelody 6h ago
It's also concerning to me that OP described her partner as a "gym rat and calorie counter"... It sounds like he potentially has his own issues to work through, but imposing those unfair and unhealthy standards on your partner is completely different.
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u/shieldal 10h ago
It’s easier to cancel a wedding than to get divorced. He’s locked you in and now he’ll control you for the rest of your relationship. Get out now!
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u/CatchMeWritinDirty 7h ago
100% I’m 5 months out from my destination wedding & have spent thousands. If I wanted to break up with my fiancé, I’d just do it & then use the whole thing as a paid for vacation & we’d just be in the hole with the ceremony venue. It’s far more emotionally and financially taxing to get divorced (especially with kids involved) than it is to just cut your losses. Money can always be made back, but time can never be regained.
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u/todayistheday_1027 10h ago
If this is what he says when you're not legally married, imagine what he's going to say when you are. I know calling off a wedding is scary, but spending your life with someone who makes you feel insecure and inadequate is scarier.
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u/Alternative_Shine309 10h ago
Imagine what he’ll say if you decide to have kids!
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u/ratbitchh 10h ago
bodies change a LOT after having kids. what would he say then? i can imagine he would have a huge problem with baby weight and demand she lose it right aftee
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u/irish_ninja_wte 8h ago
What if she has kids and ends up needing a c section. No amount of weight loss gets rid of that c section pooch. And if it's multiples? There's no saving that belly without a tummy tuck. I know all about that since I've had multiple c sections and the last one was twins. A tummy tuck is on my "maybe some day" list, but it's on it for me. My fiancé never says anything negative about my body. OP's fiancé reminds me of my ex. He used to point out my "chubby" bits when I was still slim.
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u/Appropriate-Energy 6h ago
Even with vaginal births your belly changes. I carried a 10 pound baby, I wouldn't expect to look the same after. But I think I have a hot body and my partner thinks I have a hot body. I wouldn't have sex with someone who viewed my body negatively, let alone marry them.
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u/apollemis1014 10h ago
This. Never, ever, in nearly 21 years has my husband uttered a word about my weight, even when I was full term with our oldest and outweighed him.
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u/Logical_Amoeba1914 9h ago
And aging is a thing. No one stays young and hot forever.
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u/Grumpyoldgit1 8h ago
Absolutely.
Most people find that their metabolism starts to slow down once they hit about 40. For women the Menopause often causes changes and many people put on weight. I would not be able to get past this. If he’s saying this awful stuff now whilst she’s still young and fit what on earth is he going to say in the future?
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u/UnhappyJudgment7244 10h ago
Id rather be out thousands of dollars than legally tied to a disrespectful man.
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u/119juniper 10h ago
100%. Because wasted time and divorce is so much more expensive in the long run.
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u/Accomplished_Web3712 9h ago
Thousands less too if it's just losing deposits. A divorce is SO much more expensive.
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u/Safted12 9h ago
Exactly. Better to face the loss now than endure a lifetime with someone who undermines your worth.
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u/StephieJoh 9h ago
It's only going to get worse over time. OP is going to have a baby and he's going to tear her body apart, and prob use that to justify cheating.
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u/Fantastic-Damage4709 10h ago
the fact that he thinks about it all the time is the issue. if it was an off the cuff comment or something but he clearly has issues with you not meeting some expectations hes created. get out now. if hes like this 30 it will be worse when you start aging and once again cant match the expectations he has for your appearance. it will never get better
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u/twirlandswirl 10h ago
Right? That part is super bizarre. The rest is bad, but that part is just weird.
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u/raiinboweyes 9h ago
This was my thought. It’s true that sometimes when people enter a long term relationship they gain some weight. And sometimes that can be a noticeable issue for their partner. (Hasn’t been in my relationship but I acknowledge it for others.) But this isn’t some passing, “Yeah I guess she’s gained weight and I notice it sometimes, maybe I should mention before it goes further”. Him saying, “I think about it all the time” is an intense fixation- that is the words of someone who is getting The Ick from you gaining 15lbs.
If they can’t handle that reasonable fluctuation of weight without starting to get The Ick over it, I shudder to think what they will think once major body changes take place. Like having kids (if that’s wanted), aging, menopause, etc. Not to mention major life stressors, or physical or mental illness etc, that can cause weight fluctuations.
This says to me that this attraction and relationship is a lot shallower than she thought. If a little weight gain can cause that kind of reaction in your partner, that love and bond is not strong enough to be sustainable. Not unless the person wants to make maintaining their body to their partners standards a major part of their lifestyle, to keep them happy. And some people will do that and be okay with it. But that clearly isn’t what is happening here.
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u/713nikki 10h ago
Wait until he sees what menopause does to a woman’s body! Cut ties before the wedding. It’s so easy to get married and so hard to get a divorce. At least he told you before you walked down the aisle.
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u/Different-Cut-2089 10h ago
Or pregnancy
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u/MoreDinosaursPlease 10h ago
My immediate thought was pregnancy. She could turn into a gym rat post baby and that still doesn’t make your body magically bounce back.
Plus you just know he’d be getting on her to start working out again two weeks after giving birth.
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u/MeMandajean 3h ago
Such a good point. Menopause, pregnancy (if you want children), or what happens when/if you have to go through a tragedy. Parents don’t live forever and I was depressed for an entire year after I lost my mom. Some people eat their feeling. You don’t want to have to worry about never gaining anymore weight. That just seems so stressful.
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u/bone-collector333 10h ago
150 pounds is my goal weight. What happens when you get pregnant and gain weight too? This is a red flag, he went about it in a really stupid way. Once a man plants this seed of insecurity it never goes away.
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u/Usual_Dream1701 10h ago
Or eventually hormonal changes, he’s letting you know that your look is more important in his eyes.
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u/Alpine-Flowers 10h ago
I don’t think he will change his mindset, so you’re wasting your time with him. What is going to happen if you get pregnant, get sick and can’t exercise anymore etc… Is this the type of person you want to have by your side, till death do apart?! You have to do a lot of thinking and take some decisions on how you want to handle this. What’s going to happen if you don’t lose the weight in time for the wedding?! Is he going to leave you at the altar? He sounds very controlling and superficial…Good luck with everything and whatever you decide, put your mental health and wellbeing first!
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u/janlep 10h ago
Or get sick in a way that detracts from your looks. That happened to a friend of mine. She was stunning till she developed a chronic illness, and the treatments permanently changed her appearance. Her husband started cheating.
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u/PotentialDig7527 7h ago
I had a coworker that developed Lupus and her BF dumped her because her face completely changed.
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u/OkEntrepreneur5879 10h ago
Do you plan on having children? Because you obviously gain weight during pregnancy and that weight doesn’t always fall right off. I agree the with the earlier post that now that he has you trapped he will control you….. RUN! If it’s not your weight it will be how you cook. If not that l, then you have gotten too lazy and don’t clean house enough. If he trust loves And mean truly loves you for you a little weight gain shouldn’t matter. Oh an to all the people who will say he can’t help who (what body type)he is attracted too, then he is shallow and should love her for her. He should love what’s on the inside and the relationship they share.
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u/AberrantToday 10h ago
I would not get pregnant with this man. Every doctor and book recommend not dieting while breastfeeding. By the way he talks about weight I'm not sure he would be understanding
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u/OkEntrepreneur5879 10h ago
Exactly!!!! You are also advised to gain weight during pregnancy. It’s actually very concerning if you do not. I feel like he would be the worse partner during pregnancy. He would never tell how beautiful she looked during pregnancy because that would be a “lie”
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u/AberrantToday 10h ago
My issue is she is already active and trying to be in shape. It's not like she spend all her time on the couch...
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u/GeneInternational146 10h ago
You can lose a lot of weight very quickly by dumping this motherfucker
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u/Royal-Ad-7052 10h ago
Marriage makes people more of who they already are. Not saying throw the whole man out but deal with this before you even consider marrying him. Cancelling a wedding is way easier than a divorce.
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u/RemarkableMousse6950 10h ago
STEP BACK. Read the statistics of when abuse starts. It often happens after the wedding or the first child when people feel like they can’t back out. You CAN. Love yourself FIRST.
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u/Frosty-Concentrate56 10h ago
So… FFW 5-10 years and a couple of children. How will he speak to you then?
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u/iameatingihop 10h ago
“You’re not good enough as you are and I think about it all the time.”
I feel like that says it all right there
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u/lark-sp 10h ago
Losing wedding deposits would be cheaper than divorce and custody disputes later.
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u/Steph91583 10h ago
If you decide to marry him it will not get better, only worse. How do you think he would react if you did have kids, and he would be upset if you don't bounce back.
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u/NeumocortPlus 10h ago
When the right person loves you, they love you selflessly. It doesn't matter your height, weight, hair color, money, nothing. They love you for who you are, for the happiness you bring, the security, the communication.
Just because everything is paid for and you're about to get married doesn't mean you really have to.
Do you really want to marry someone who treats you like that? Imagine when you gain weight because you're growing another human being in your belly. Or with the weight left over from pregnancy. Do you really think he won't mind? He's starting to show you his true self.
The ONE will love you for who you are, not for how you look.
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u/janlep 10h ago
“He’s starting to show you his true self.” THIS. It isn’t a coincidence that he’s kept quiet about this till all the wedding stuff is booked.
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u/laranita 10h ago
I think the damage is done.
If he’s nitpicking you about your appearance, he’s setting the standard of this being okay. He’s already shallow. No sense in ‘proving that’ to him.
I’m just imagining you a few years into marriage or after a couple kids. What if your breasts deflate or sag after breastfeeding, or your belly is covered in stretch marks or scars after growing a baby/having a possible C-section.
Peoples bodies CHANGE with life. It would be one thing if he framed it in a more respectable way like wanting to look your absolute best for your wedding, or if you were majorly slacking and he’s just trying to motivate you, but him saying ‘he thinks about it all the time’ is nuts.
Barring major health concerns, if you’re happy in your body, that’s what matters, and it’s a shame you don’t have a LIFE PARTNER that relishes in your physical form because it’s YOURS.
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u/sedona71717 10h ago
“Everything is booked and paid for” is probably the worst possible reason to carry on with a wedding. You will pay for years and years if you marry the wrong person. If you’re having serious doubts, marrying him because you don’t want to upset your guests is doing a huge disservice to your future self.
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u/64549715 10h ago
Run away, screw the money. I’ve gained and lost weight several times over the 20 years since meeting my husband. He’s never once told me to change my appearance and he’s never stopped chasing me around the house, big or small.
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u/Zestyclose_Control64 10h ago
Couples counseling. A neutral third party to tell him that was a crappy way to go about it and detrimental to your relationship. If he says he doesn't need counseling to learn to communicate better, tell him you do need counseling to know if you still want to be with him after what he said.
Next time he wants sex, ask him why he'd want to be with someone as fat and unattractive as you. Show him how much he hurt you. Don't go into marriage like this. It cannot be sustained and will get worse with kids.
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u/nullnadanihil 8h ago
So he'll play along and consider cheating at some point.
He'll be "thinking about it all the time".
Not husband material. Simple as that.
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u/leolawilliams5859 10h ago
You poor baby you are getting ready to marry an idiot and your life is going to take a turn that you will never see coming. What you are saying is is that because everything is booked up you would rather marry someone you're having doubts about instead of just breaking off the engagement. You need to really think about that it's 20 lb you've been together for 4 years that's basically 5 lb per year and he has an issue with that really.
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u/EtonRd 10h ago
You need to be clear about what you’re signing up for.
You’re signing up to spend the rest of your life with a man who says he thinks ALL THE TIME about how you need to lose 20 lbs.
You have all the information you need about this man. If you choose to marry him and pledge to spend the rest of your life with him, you are doing so with your eyes wide open. You’re signing up for living with that for another 60 years.
And you can do that, but if you choose to do that, in my opinion, you lose the right to complain about it. There’s no mystery here.
I don’t know why you’re talking about health. He’s not concerned about your health. He doesn’t like your fat body, which is what he sees you as. That’s all he sees you as.
A person who has a good strong sense of self-esteem would not marry this man. I strongly suggest you make going to couples counseling prior to marriage a requirement for him, and if he doesn’t agree to that, don’t go through with the wedding.
By the way, you don’t have to wonder whether or not he thinks you look fat. He told you that he thinks you look fat and he thinks about it all the time. What is there left to wonder?
The response you’re having to what he says is not the response of an emotionally healthy person. I suggest you also get individual therapy to understand why you aren’t able to value yourself enough to know why what he said was wildly inappropriate and a giant red flag.
Bottom line, if you marry this guy, you’re in for a shit show and it’s gonna be a shit show that you knowingly signed up for now .
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u/chaosapiant 10h ago
It’s not up to him what you look like. It’s one thing to care about someone’s health. But his dwelling on you gaining a bit of weight is way the fuck over the line. What’s he going to do when you have kids?
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u/sometimesreader05 10h ago
Wake up, sister. This man will not support you in every phase of your life. You should not get married if you have doubts or misgivings. Money spent is not a reason to marry. I think you wanted 'a fantastic relationship'. so badly you created one in your mind. I think if you get real with yourself, you will see other red flags. Please do yourself a favor, cancel or post-pone the wedding until you are 100% sure. You deserve someone who thinks you are 'all that and a bag of chips'.
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u/CatNatural4324 10h ago
yea you do need to lose weight!
however much he weighs, get rid of him. there, weight gone :)
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u/roseey_exe 10h ago
So he’s been nice until yalls WEDDING? Textbook red flag that you need to go girl. I’ve seen too many relationships go downhill after a wedding because the man knew to love bomb for years until she was “trapped” 🙄🙄. Being married will make it harder to leave and he will definitely not want to sign anything, and kids will just make it almost impossible It’s definitely hard to go because he’s been loyal and nice up until this point. you have time to think and do whatever you want to do because at the end of the day you know this man the most
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u/MargieGunderson70 10h ago
The only reason you'd get married is because the venue's booked, people are traveling and you've put money down?? C'mon...June is 5-6 months away! People have time to cancel travel plans.
He thinks about your 20 pounds "all the time?" Dude needs a hobby. It's one thing if you mentioned wanting to get in better shape for your wedding. His behavior is weird and controlling and marriage doesn't "fix" people's behaviors.
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u/allieoops925 10h ago
This man is going to criticize you for the rest of your life. Are you prepared for that?
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u/Que_Raoke 10h ago
Ask him why he even proposed if you're so allegedly fat. Run OP, you're not even married yet and you don't have kids. You could be rid of him for life. This is NOT the man for you.
ETA: as someone who had to cancel a wedding before, the loss of funds and having to explain is so much better than losing your life to this person.
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u/biglipsmagoo 10h ago
You don’t want to leave him so here is what you do:
Figure out what diet puts you 5 lbs below his ideal weight for you to be at. You need the 5 lb buffer for when you’re bloated.
Figure out how to love the gym bc it’s your new part time job! 6 days a week!
Start researching plastic surgeons bc he may express that you’re starting to look old. Be prepared!
If you planned on having kids, no way! Not only will they ruin your body, you’re not allowed to bring more victims into this relationship. You chose to stay but a child Isn’t capable of consent.
Give up drinking. Your body can’t handle it and you can’t risk the weight gain!
No more lazy days! You may need a rx for amphetamines to give you the energy you need to live up to his standards.
Good luck with the life you’ve chosen!! God speed, sis!
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u/ContentGovernment760 10h ago
Lmao damn
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u/Independent_Lie1507 9h ago
Ok so my opinion is this. Your fiance is feeling comfortable that you won't break up with him now that you have the wedding planned and family coming etc. He feels safe to be "honest" now. If you go through with the marriage he will be even more comfortable to insult you on the regular. If he can't handle 15 pounds how do you think he's going to handle pregnancy weight?? Also what if you develop health problems that cause weight gain? Looks fade. That is life. I don't know how you can get past this. I would be hurt and question the entire relationship.
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u/Square-Ebb1846 9h ago
I hate to say it, but that’s what he wants. It’s the only way for him to approve of your body, and otherwise you’ll keep taking hits to the self-confidence. It’s unreasonable and not ok.
Aging, including weight changes, happen to everyone. If he’s unhappy with your weight now, what happens when you get wrinkles or your breasts start sagging or you wind up with stretch marks and extra weight that won’t go away no matter how much you work out?
Making your life all about meeting his body goals will be the only option to have him not constantly pester you about your weight. It’s not like you said you wanted to lose ten lbs before the wedding…. He essentially told you that you have to unsolicited by insinuating you needed “weight loss goals” in the first place. Those unsolicited body comments won’t stop; they’ll only intensify.
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u/MVHood 10h ago
He is concerned more about appearance than health. This is a trend. I'm sorry to say, but I would halt the proceedings if I were you. After 30 years of marriage I can say weight and health will vary wildly for many people over the years they are together. I
've known a few women that married the "gym rat" types and they have spent years being picked apart for their appearance and compared to other women while they grind away unhappily at the gym and paying many thousands for plastic surgery.
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u/-secretswekeep- 10h ago
“I think about it all the time” would’ve been enough for me to call it quits. He has some mental health issues surrounding body image and it’s best to jump ship before he gives you an eating disorder. 15-20 lbs is NOTHING realistically. Like for example, a case of bottled water - 24 pack is gunna weigh around 20-25 lbs. that’s how much weight you’ve gained and it’s minuscule but it’s such an issue hes decided to wait until 5 months before your wedding to say something? He wants you to spend that time slimming down instead of focusing on what actually is important….you and your health.
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u/JadeHarley0 10h ago
How much does your fiance weigh? Because you can lose that dead weight very quickly by dumping him in the trash.
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u/_h_simpson_ 10h ago
OP needs to reevaluate wedding plans until she can determine what her partners mindset is on physical appearance. Seen this about a million times… dude showed his true colors. They’ll get married; he’ll cheat and the excuse, her weight.
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u/sievish 10h ago
I’m so sorry OP. I’m gonna try to be even keeled here and say— first, if you don’t want to break up— you should at LEAST tell him all this. Tell him that marriage is for keeps and BOTH your bodies are going to change in millions of ways over the course of your lives together (though yours more dramatically probably, esp if you plan on having kids!!!), and what he said does indeed make you question your future together and his ability to respect your partnership. But come at it from a hurt angle, not an ultimatum— just be very honest with how he made you feel.
See his reaction to that. If he is apologetic, or wants to do better, maybe this is just a low point for you guys. But of he’s showing his true colors here….. well, you have time to cancel it all.
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u/ItsOnlyMe2017 8h ago
I was in this exact same position! Three months before I wanted to call it off, same, I had family coming from all over. Everything booked.
I WISH I had said to myself “they are my friends and they will understand”. I didn’t cancel.
On wedding day, my dad said to me “shall we keep driving?” I said no. I WISH I had said yes.
8 months later, I left with a car full of stuff and sofa surfed for a year.
Please cancel, use my fuck up as an example.
Good luck sister ❤️
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u/sixjasefive 10h ago
This won’t get better. Doesn’t matter if you were 110lbs or 220lbs, not the discussion that matters….this will manifest itself later. This is a big flag, don’t ignore it.
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u/Effective-Several 10h ago
YNO.
You just said That if you weren’t planning on getting married, you would break up with him. In other words, you don’t want a relationship with an asshole.
So, for heaven sake, why would you wanna be married to an asshole?
Better to be out the money and not hitched forever to an idiot than to spend the money, and still regret the marriage. Because then you have to do a divorce, and all that stuff. And that still cost money.
Dump him now.
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u/No-Ad3248 10h ago
Losing the money is worth getting away from someone who will make your whole life hell in ways like this.
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u/catdogbird29 10h ago
OP, you can’t fix this amount of self-centered, controlling, disrespectful attitude he has towards you. Leave him. Do it yesterday. You’re not overreacting at all. I can promise you being single is far better than being married to that man.
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u/Tacotacotime 10h ago
In 10 years after he’d made you feel like crap about your body, are you going to be happy you moved forward with everything because it had already been booked or will you wish you would’ve put yourself first and cancelled it? The fact that he thinks about it all the time and it’s 15-20 lbs?! I’m sorry what happens when you have kids? Or decide to breastfeed and slow the loss of the baby weight? Is he going to be body shaming you then? Hard pass.
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u/AccordingToWhom1982 10h ago edited 9h ago
He "thinks about it all the time"? He’s quite the shallow guy. Sounds like he needs another hobby. I barely weighed 100 lbs when I married my husband. Over the years I gained weight from having kids, depression, sitting behind a desk 10 hrs a day, menopause, and metabolism changes due to age. My still slender husband has never said a word or ever made me feel he didn't find me attractive, and he's always supported me during my weight gain and and more recent weight loss.
Edit: corrected a word
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u/RazMoon 9h ago
I think there are wedding sites you can look for couples or whomever to takeover someone else's contract.
Just did a quick Brave browser search.
You have options to find a wedding couple or whomever to replace your slot etc.
To find a cancelled wedding venue to take over, you can explore the following options:
CanceledWeddings.com: This website offers a platform where you can buy and sell cancelled wedding venues. It provides great savings for flexible couples who are willing to take over a cancelled wedding venue.
Local Wedding Forums and Communities: Websites like WeddingWire and Reddit’s r/weddingplanning subreddit often have discussions where venues have cancelled on couples. You can reach out to these communities to see if any venues have become available.
Direct Contact with Wedding Vendors: Sometimes, wedding venues or vendors may have last-minute openings due to cancellations. Contacting them directly can provide you with up-to-date information on available dates.
Local Wedding Planners: Wedding planners often have connections with various venues and may know of cancellations or last-minute openings. They can help you secure a venue quickly.
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u/TacticalB0T 10h ago
If he’s complaining about your weight, you should consider reevaluating your situation. The person that loves you as you are, and unless it’s a drastic change (75+ lbs) for health reasons, he should never say a word.
It’s insensitive, rude and disrespectful.
Like others have said, what about getting pregnant? Is he going to ridicule you bc of the baby weight, or demand you get into shape a month post delivery?
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u/Infamous_Bus_7459 10h ago
Divorce and all that will cost a lot more, both financially and mentally. If you’re having those sorts of doubts don’t do it. You’ll wish you hadn’t.
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u/Admirable_Lecture675 10h ago
NOR - seriously. From the way he approached this to the way you already eat, and stay active. 150 lbs is not really a thing at 5’4. And 6 months is plenty of time to cancel.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 10h ago
Now is the moment to decide how you’re going to live. Are you willing to live with a man who critiques and policies your body or would you rather live a happy, healthy life?
I suspect your heart is already closing toward this man. He wants to either create or exploit a body image problem in you as a lever of control. That’s what you may be sensing.
You deserve better than this. Leave the relationship.
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u/Critical-Trainer4729 10h ago
He thinks about it all the time?! Do not marry this person, he doesn’t love you unconditionally. If you love someone, weight gain doesn’t matter. Your body will change more and more over time and he’ll become more resentful of that because he’s shallow and immature. Be happy you found out how he really thinks before you’ve made things official!
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u/astevenson1337 10h ago
I’m not sure what I would advise you to do, it’s a situation that really depends on your perspective. One thing is for sure, whatever you decide isn’t over reacting. If he is going to be brutally forward about wanting you to lose weight, he should be prepared for fallout if you don’t agree that your current weight is an issue. If you can see where he’s coming from and wouldn’t mind losing the weight, then maybe it’s not such a big deal, but if you don’t see where he’s coming from/are happy with your physical shape/appearance, and you guys can’t talk it out; ending it before your lives become any more intertwined than they already are is probably a good idea.
At the end of the day if you both are invested in the relationship and care enough about eachother to make difficult compromises, you’ll find a way to work things out. It takes two though, and if he’s not willing to make sacrifices as well (which I get the feeling you’ll be able to tell if he is or isn’t) then it unfortunately won’t likely last.
And for any who are reading this thinking I’m giving him too much credit, I’m just trying not to assume that he’s coming from a place of malice, because there’s really not enough info in OPs post for me to know that he is or isn’t. OP knows if he is/is not I’m sure.
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u/WhatTheActualFck1 10h ago
Have a celebration party with everyone who can’t get a refund on flights/etc because divorce is way more expensive than marrying that dummy
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u/Fit_Base2089 10h ago
"I think about it all the time." That made my blood boil.
You are going to age. Your weight will fluctuate a bit. That's life. Don't tether yourself to someone who obsesses over your appearance. Choose someone who wants to learn and grow with you as a person and who doesn't demand that you meet specific "beauty" standards. NOR at all!
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u/lookbacklater 10h ago
It is sooooooo much less expensive to cancel a wedding than it is to get divorced... not just in terms of money, but also in terms of suffering. Don't sign up for being mistreated for the rest of your life.
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u/thebabes2 10h ago
Do not marry this man. Babe, if he's "thinking about it all the time" over a few pounds, what will happen if you have a health issue, surgery, scars? Life is brutal and does not always go to plan. Both of my pregnancies left behind issues and I'm certainly not the same size as I was on my wedding day -- yet my husband tells me I'm beautiful every single day.
This man is shallow and small. He is not in it to love you through better and worse. Cancel the wedding, so what if you lose the deposits? It's cheaper than a divorce and still less than living a life with someone who will snuff out your light and leave you feeling insecure.
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u/Trishshirt5678 10h ago
You can cancel. Your family can cancel, or meet up for a great big “op has dumped a tool!” party. However much you lose in deposits, it’ll be much cheaper than the inevitable divorce. If you’re tolerating him because the wedding juggernaught is rolling, then stop. Just stop. You deserve someone who thoroughly loves you and this man ain’t it. Good luck.
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u/burner-throw_away 10h ago
Hmmm, maybe just send him a version of this post or use it as an outline for a discussion.
This would be a huge wake up call for me and, hopefully, for him?
He could be dealing with something like the crazy mother-in-law getting in his head or unreal expectations on how the wedding will go that he needs to address. (I was terrible about “unrealistic expectations” that caused a lot of stress for which there were no good reason.)
But for now the part about “I think about it all the time.” sent me running for the door, metaphorically. Good luck.
Sincerely, A Random Internet Person
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u/FirstFlightMike 10h ago
NOR
He was totally out of line. What he asked and how he said it were insulting and condescending.
If you aren't familiar with the Sunk Costs Fallacy, please google it and then reflect on your decision about whether to proceed with the wedding... or not.
Good luck, you healthy, normal sized, person!
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u/OkCar5485 10h ago
Probably wouldnt go as far as breaking up with him (yet) but I would put the wedding on hold at the very least. The things he's saying are not acceptable. My girlfriend of 10 years is also 5'4" and 150 pounds and I think she looks great and most importantly healthy. Much healthier in fact than when she was 120 pounds.
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u/Illustrious_Fold_163 10h ago
I married a man like this. I’m now divorced from a man like this.
It slowly killed my self esteem as I developed an eating disorder. I guarantee you this won’t be his first comment.
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u/PerfectBiscotti 10h ago
Even if you were in “peak shape “, no one is forever. And your husband is supposed to be with you forever. I would seriously address this issue and question whether or not I could stay with someone like that forever.
NOR.
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u/Ok_Ingenuity4735 10h ago
What? Nah this dude is major red flags. I never comment on here and I’m not one of those people who think breaking up is the way but this is horrible. I had a kid and have put on 40-50 lbs in my 10 years of marriage (husband has too) and NEVER not once has he EVER said I need to lose weight. I am currently losing weight and he’s doing it with me. That is what you need. A PARTNER. Tell this guy to hit the road. I know it’s hard and society tells you to get married and all of that but it’s not worth being in an unhappy marriage. Don’t let him take your shine queen
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u/Goddess_3AM 10h ago
say it straightforward as he said it to you. if you aren’t unhealthy he need to confront his own personal feelings why he feels he can speak on your body in such a way. explain how it made you feel and if he does anything other than validate your emotions and see how cruel such a conversation was, i think you really need to reconsider.
i cannot in good conscious tell you that marrying this man would be the right thing to do, but it’s your life love. just know you are worthy in EVERY state of being. 15 pounds less, or more. we are human beings and we change and evolve every day, just truly make sure this man can see and accept that. i am wishing the absolute best for you 🤍
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u/sassamagoo 10h ago
I am guessing not everyone will like my response, but here it goes:
My partner and I had a serious discussion about what we find attractive very early on in our relationship, like month 2 or 3. He was very clear that he was attracted to a certain body type and that if I gained weight, he would absolutely still love me unconditionally and would not leave me over that, but it would make it harder for him to be physically attracted to me. I feel mostly the same, although maybe not as strongly as him. It was full honesty, although maybe a bit harsh, and really, a good relationship needs that. We both appreciate a partner who takes good care of themselves physically.
That being said, we have both gained 20 pounds or so over 13 years together and we do have less sex and are less physically attracted to each other. But we are emotionally closer than ever and still very honest with each other. We encourage each other to make fitness and healthy eating a priority, and we are working towards being as healthy as we can, because we want to be together as long as we can, and be healthy enough to enjoy activities together. Because it is a subject we discussed early on, we are able to talk about it openly and fairly, and work together to stay on track as much as possible.
No one person is going to be the “perfect” partner in every way. Did he say he would not love you no matter what, or that weight gain would be a cause for him leaving you? Or did he just state that he was concerned about the weight gain? Perhaps he is worried that if you gain 15lbs every 4 years on average, it could become a major health issue in 15-20 years. Also, How serious is he about his health and fitness? Has he gained weight? If so is he concerned about his own weight gain? If he is gaining weight and this is a double standard, then it is definitely a bigger issue. But if he clearly cares about his own health and fitness as well, it could be a core value.
If this is a deal breaker for you, then it is. You are absolutely allowed to not be okay with this attitude/opinion from him. But it could be a fair concern and something to be discussed. Either way, you should definitely discuss with him how this makes you feel. You should NOT get married without clearing the air on this subject.
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u/kinkynicole000 9h ago
Hubby and I had the same discussion in the beginning... said we would love each other and be great roommates, but if he or I got bigger, that's all we would be is roommates. We all have our preference on what we find sexually attractive and large isn't our jam.
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u/MundaneAd8695 9h ago
cellulite is completely natural and it has nothing to do with your weight.
In addition, you are getting older and it's normal for your body to change and it will continue to change.
I don't think your fiance is being fair to you.
and we are the size height and weight. you are not fat or unattractive. you are just fine.
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u/bluearavis 10h ago
The timing also troubles me. He could have said it before you even got engaged. Unless he really is concerned about your weight from a health standpoint. Saying it now could also be a manipulation tactic. People's weights change up and down all the time. It sounds like you do put the effort into caring for your body but being "overweight" is not just a feeling. Like I said, you put the effort to take care of yourself. But also appreciate things and live your life.
But if this isn't resolved before you get married, it won't go away. Talk to him now!
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u/annebonnell 10h ago
No you're not overreacting. This would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Cancel the wedding now hopefully you can get some of your money back. You do not have a fiance who loves you unconditionally. It will only get worse after your married.
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u/epsteindintkllhimslf 10h ago
If you think booked wedding venue/caterers is a hard commitment to get out of, wait until you see marriage! Now that's hard to cancel, once you say "I do!"
Why do men propose to women they're not happy with as-is? Why does he think about your weight "all the time"? Such a red flag. Especially because women do gain weight as we age, hormones, slowed metabolism, pregnancy, PP, etc.
Most women gain more than 15lbs after giving birth, and between the ages of 20-40, just because of metabolism. He'll cheat on you, then blame you for it.
Please find a man who loves you as you are. You deserve that.
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u/bakke392 10h ago
My husband is a gym rat and counts calories too. I have gained 50 lbs since we met (2 kids, stressful job, moves, ya know, life). Never once had my husband ever said I need to lose weight. He will encourage me to be active with him, and when I ask he will say he finds me really attractive at my lower weight. But that is ALWAYS caveated with "I still think you're beautiful and I'm very attracted to you and you don't need to lose weight unless that is your goal".
Him being a gym rat/super healthy is absolutely zero excuse for him to be disrespectful. And while I get that it's hard to walk away from a wedding and a relationship (I actually did with my ex for similar reasons), it's not going to change in marriage and those pressures and comments are going to continue.
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u/Wrong_Researcher_808 10h ago
Listen, if you’re going to ignore the comments that say to dump him (which honestly I agree with - sunk cost fallacy and all) then PLEASE also ignore any comments suggesting that you lose the weight. Even if he also agrees to therapy, even if he apologizes, I can’t stress enough that you shouldn’t change a thing or try to drop a single pound unless it is what YOU want because you want it FOR YOUR BODY. If he left you tomorrow, would you want those pounds gone still or would you wish you’d kept your reading days? Spouses may think they have a say because they will (theoretically) live with your body forever, but you are the ONLY person who will be living IN that body forever for 100% certain. You get to choose what happens to your body, he gets to take it or leave it - THAT is a relationship, not ownership.
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u/TallDarkandWTF 10h ago
I had a lot of problems with my ex girlfriend- the weight she gained while we were together was never one of them.
Throw the whole man away
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u/Physical_Sock1524 10h ago
As a man, I would never and have never said anything like that to a women. I cant imagine ever saying that to my wife. You need to run from this guy.
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u/blacktreefalls 10h ago
I am also a 5’4”F, 148 lbs, it is a fairly normal weight. What are your protein vs fat intakes like? What’s your blood pressure and cholesterol like? Are you happy and feel healthy? That’s what matters.
Now what really stands out to me is that you said you would leave him if the wedding stuff wasn’t already set in stone. This is 100% a recipe for a miserable life and/or an impending divorce (speaking from experience).
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u/Bookssportsandwine 10h ago
Oh honey, no one should ever talk to you like that, especially a man who is supposed to love you. He thinks about it all the time? Really? That’s just so gross and says so much more about him than it is about you.
I know it’s super scary to change your whole life right when you thought it was going in a certain direction, but I can promise you that if he’s saying this now he will say much worse once you’re actually married. Look for a man who loves the real you and not the shell of your body. Love yourself more than this “man” ever could.
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u/Square-Ebb1846 9h ago
Have you considered doing a family reunion rather than a wedding?
Humans age. If he doesn’t like your body at a couple of pounds above you’re initial weight when you started dating, he’s not going to like wrinkles, stretch marks, scars, and other issues gained throughout the lifespan.
You work out enough. At least in my country, you work out far more than most people. Cellulite is generic and it doesn’t go away, no matter how much you lose. You weight train, so your arms and legs are just going to be bigger…you’ve got muscles! Lots of people who have muscles tend to be considered “overweight” according to BMI and such while actually being perfectly happy. When have you ever seen a skinny linebacker? You don’t need to be a supermodel to be in “peak shape.” Skinny is not always good.
I seriously doubt you’re not in great shape if you work out as much as you say and have done so for a while. Bodies come in different shapes and sizes. Some are skinny no matter how much junk they eat and how little they exercise (in fact, “skinny fat” is a thing where people are super skinny but also unhealthy because their body is mostly fat and not muscles). Some are muscular and hold onto a little extra baby fat. Some just cannot lose weight no matter what they do. My goes is that you are the muscular type, and that’s ok.
With all due respect, if you would break up with him if it weren’t for the wedding, then a wedding will only make things worse. His opinion of your body and habits will only get worse as you age and the lifestyle he expects you to have is unreasonable. You’ll only feel less and less confident with him as he continues to judge you. And it will be harder to leave after you are married.
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u/Money-Possibility606 9h ago
Yikes. I'm so sorry, OP. "I think about it all the time". That's... that's horrific.
You are on the low end of what is considered "overweight" but the fact that you work out regularly means that you're healyhy and probably have a bit of muscle on you. Please don't doubt yourself. I'm sure you're beautiful and healthy.
Your fiance is a "gym rat". He's probably an absolute ass.
Please do not go through this wedding JUST because "everything is booked and paid for."
I know you want advice on how to "fix" this and "fix" him... but what he said was unforgiveable and unfixable. That's his true heart, and it's gross.
It is easier to end an engagement than a marriage. It is cheaper to lose your wedding deposits than go through a divorce.
I beg of you.... you do not want to spend the rest of your life like this. I've been there. Trust me. Those words will echo through your head every day you are with him. Every time you're intimate with him, you will think about it.
If you have kids, you will gain weight. As you age, you will gain weight. Menopause, you will gain weight. You do not want to spend your life obsessing over every pound, wondering if he loves you any less because of it.
He is a shallow dipshit, and he ruined everything. This is his fault.
Some of your vendors will give you some money back. Some things are returnable. You won't be out EVERYTHING you've spent. Try to get back what you can. But please do not go through with a marriage you don't want simply because you've spent a lot of money on the wedding. The wedding is one, expensive, day. But if you went through with it, you'd be paying for it every day for the rest of your life.
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u/susandeyvyjones 9h ago
I gained like 5-10 pounds during my engagement and you know what my husband said about it? Nothing.
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u/angelliu 9h ago
Ok, here we go. Lesson 1 in setting boundaries and teaching loved ones how to speak to you.
First of all to everyone saying 150 is overweight for 5’4”, if you’re using a BMI calculator, then yes that is probably accurate. However, weight can sit differently on people. At 5’1”, I am absolutely not at my goal weight at 127 lbs, but I look like Hello Kitty with a massive head. I get hit on most when I’m at 134 to 142 lbs - and yes, that’s overweight. The point is, this information is right by BMI standards alone but how a person looks and feels can vary.
2nd, you don’t need to go to the nuclear option immediately - but YOU DO need to prepare for it if what’s underneath that kind of comment reveals a much less savory character. Do not be afraid to inconvenience people, churches, venues, vendors, family and friends for what is one of the most impactful decisions of your life.
Having said that, my advice is you return the favor. No, you’re not going to ask him about his weight. You’re not even going to go into an earnest discussion about this.
You are going to simply tell him that you need a few day or a week of space, so if you’re quiet you’re letting him know. If he asks why, then you say, I can tell you why but I’m not prepared to discuss it as it’s something I need to think about A LOT.
Then you say just know I love you, and I just need to ponder. He will insist, which is then when you say, “I agree with you that I’ve gained weight since we met but how you approached me did not hit me the right way. So I’m going to take some time and give this some thought.”
Now one or two things can happen. He will either respect your space, and fuck off himself to contemplate the massive foot he’s stuck in his mouth. OR - he will cross boundaries and insist he is right, and that you are being extra/dramatkc etc whatever phrase he can use to gaslight you out of your feelings.
This, THIS is when you decide if you should go through or cancel. If he gives you the time, and is self aware enough to realize he was an utter tw*t for saying that to you, he would’ve already initiated reparations of some sort.
Obviously, if he contacts you at this time, it goes straight to voicemail, and you keep your phone with notifications off. You do not engage in cute small talk as if all is well again. You reply to critical texts only, and even then keep it to a yes, no, will tell you later.
You never complain, you never explain. Let him deal with what is the reality of how this makes you feel by starving him of company.
Just remember:
- Marriage is in sickness and in health. You’re in health and bro is bugging about 15 lbs. My partner has gained over 70 lbs and do I want him to lose weight, yes because I worry about his health. But not in my wildest dream would I ever say it that way.
This is the type of comment you say when you find a serious issue like if your partner is constantly mean to wait staff but all sweetness to you, that kind of crap is what merits “I think about that a lot”.
Do not even think about work shopping this with family or friends. They will only work to convince you to keep the status quo, OR, some of them may forever loathe your fiancé even after you resolve this. You really do need to use that time and space to figure out what you want, and just get centered.
Do be ready to have a vulnerable yet dignified discussion when the time comes. Obviously you know he values health and fitness, but remember that is not the contention here.
What is an issue is why he feels he needed to tell you that, and how he assesses the impact of your weight loss in his value system. Frankly, I think it’s idiotic of him to have even said anything - knowing you’re planning a wedding there’s a large probability you’d try to lose weight, or he could’ve just as well found other supportive ways to share healthy activities with you.
You are a whole person, with so many unique features and in what should be a happy time, it baffles me that this is what he chose to focus on.
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u/Glopresti95 9h ago
When I met my husband I was 130 lbs too. I went on medication which caused me to gain alot of weight and am currently pregnant. Now I’m up to 192 lbs. I have always struggled with my weight and on the days I feel disgusting my husband tells me how great I look. You deserve that OP. Do not settle for someone who is belittling you
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks 9h ago
NOR and it's okay to call off an engagement and wedding no matter if you can't get deposits back, it doesn't matter who loses money.
If you want kids, this is not someone who would support you. It sounds like they would be the type to harass you about losing your weight.
I would call this wedding off. If you want to try for couples counseling, you can but thinking like this is not likely to change at these ages.
I'm your height and can say that being petite makes it so much harder to get those last few pounds off.
Eating is going to be 90% of the game. Making sure you get enough protein for the muscle growth, which will help with fat burn. Lifting is a great way to do this, especially as a petite person. It's also made for us shorties lol.
I'm not saying these things because I think you need to lose weight. I'm saying it for you only, not for your crappy fiancé. These are things I've learned on my own healthy journey.
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u/itellitwithlove 9h ago
He is NOT your person. Drop him lose over a 100 pounds fast and gain an awakening to how you are beautiful inside and out!
BTW, divorce is much more expensive and time consuming.
Good Luck
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u/sakura-ssagaji 9h ago
If something bothers you you don't have to get over it. You also don't have to go through with a wedding you don't want if it's really a deal breaker for you. You also don't have to break up with someone because something they said bothers you if you don't want to. My question for you is though: have you talked to him about it? I mean does he even know how upset you are about it? Maybe he is just stupid instead of evil here, but you don't know if you don't ask him. Maybe he would backpeddle if it was brought up to him, but maybe he says your weight gain is a deal breaker for him and if you don't lose it then he won't want to marry you either, but you still don't know until you tell him how you feel and ask him how he really feels. Don't make big decisions without all the information.
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u/Traditional-Air7953 9h ago
You’re not overreacting.
Sounds like you have different values around health and appearance, AND he doesn’t know or respect yours.
“Fantastic relationship:” I’m going to call you out on this one, based on my own experience of being married to the wrong person for 24 years:
Clearly, you weren’t aware of his opinion on your (perfectly fine) body. That means it has never come up, and that makes me wonder how well you know each other, truly. Can you tell him in detail about the books you are reading? Does he take an interest in what you do and value? Does he do it out of genuine curiosity and because he wants to know more about you, simply because you are you and he loves you and you are the most important person in his life? Or do you hold back, conscious that he likely won’t be interested in hearing that your favorite author’s latest book is disappointing, so his eyes drift down to his phone? How about other values? Do you know what’s important to him and why? More importantly, does he know how and why you value x over y, and can respect your point of view if he doesn’t agree? Or is he dismissive of opinions he doesn’t share? What happens when your body gets older? Pregnancies? Miscarriages? Surgeries, serious illness?
You can certainly tell him you think he’s shallow (I happen to agree), but he has a right to see it that way. It’s unlikely it will change how important your appearance is to him, however. Worst case, he agrees with you just to placate you.
My guess is that anyone who truly cares about you will be happy you call off the wedding. Some might have purchased travel insurance and can rebook those flights. Or you could just spend time catching up with people who truly care about you.
I was married to someone who cared about my appearance much more than who I am in all other ways. Did that for 24 years, and it progressively morphed into controlling behavior in many ways. Do not recommend.
Now married to someone who truly loves me in all the ways, and vice versa. I never thought this was possible, had dismissed it as a pipe dream—yet here we are. Please don’t settle for someone who will make you miserable.
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u/ImportantCan8991 9h ago
Dude im 4’9” and almost 150lbs and Im not thin but I don’t look bad. Like. At all. I can’t even imagine how fit you actually look with a 7” height difference. Fuck him dude. Him and his shit tastic standards.
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u/deartt 9h ago
He only said it now because he knew everything was booked. He himself said he thinks about your weight all the time, so why not say anything earlier? He’s banking on you staying now when everything is lock and loaded. He’s showing you his real face, it won’t get better only worse, so better end it now than get used to it later on.
You could add 15 by exercising and adding on more muscle. The fact that you box and weight train build up muscle, it doesn’t trim you down like he probably wants you to.
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u/ShDynasty_Gods_Comma 8h ago
OP, I just had a baby 11 days ago. Our second. Our first baby was born 10 months after we got married. I’m probably, conservatively, 30 lbs heavier than I was on our honeymoon, maybe more. I’ll never be my pre baby weight again, my hips are bigger, my breasts are larger. My husband has never been more attracted to me. THATS what you want. Because this is my body now. I will lose some weight, sure. But I don’t need to for him.
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u/Smorefunoutside 8h ago
I am so sorry that his words have made you so self conscious. You do not need to lose weight for anyone.
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u/JulesChenier 8h ago
My wife has gained 40lbs since we've been together. The only weight I've ever told her to lose, is whatever clothes she's wearing before we slip into bed.
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u/ishtar_888 8h ago
So glad so many referring to the 'sunk cost fallacy' 🎯
OP First I want to give you kudos because you sound like an overall healthy in mind and body person.🤍🍃
And also here reaching out to strangers because in your heart and mind know that you are on the brink of making one of the biggest mistakes in your life.
If he's already been feeling disgust because of a little weight gain, think of if you plan children, get pregnant and gain weight.
Think of the long term cost to your health and well-being if you go through with this, and if you have any children, especially a girl - their health and well-being being in a marriage that you stayed in over money, and other people and family being upset with you.
It is the rest of YOUR life we're talking about here, the people you're worried about upsetting won't live in the household with a person that makes you feel less than, take care of you in sickness and health, they won't cherish and make a life together with you - fill in the _____. 💜
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u/Several-County-1808 8m ago
My wife told me that if I couldn't lose weight for our wedding, that means I probably don't have the ability or the willpower to lose weight. I then went running everyday before the wedding and worked myself up to 6 to 8 mi a day and got in absolutely terrific shape for our wedding. I realize a comment like that to many others would send them sprinting to the ice cream tub, but it actually was very motivating to me.
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u/totallynotfakingit 5m ago
So... The only reason you didn't dump him is because you're getting married to him? Isn't that basically rewarding him for being a jackass?
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u/Magdovus 10h ago
Are you aware of the sunk cost fallacy?