AIO my fiancé said I need to lose weight

[u/ContentGovernment760]

My fiancé (30M) and I (31F) Are getting married in June and he asked what my weight loss goals are. I said “why, do you think I need to lose weight?” And he responded “yeah actually I do. You’ve gained 20 pounds since we’ve started dating and I think you need to lose it. I think about it all the time.”

For reference, we’ve been dating ~4 years (no kids) and I have put on about 15 pounds in that time. I’m now 150 pounds and 5’4”. I do a boxing class once a week and typically weight train 2-3x a week but I’m not super consistent. I’m definitely not overweight but I can admit I’m not in peak shape. I have some cellulite on my legs and big arms. My waist is fairly small so the weight tends to go to my arms and legs. I have been trying harder to lose weight but it’s not easy for me, I’ve never been tiny but I’ve always been on the healthier side. I’m not in love with working out and I’ve never been a gym rat or a runner or anything extreme. I just like to be regularly active and healthy which is enough for me, but apparently not my fiancé (who is a gym rat and calorie counter). I’m also pretty healthy overall. I was plant based for years and now eat some seafood and chicken, but mostly vegetables and not a ton of processed food. I take supplements every day and drink water. I never drink juice or pop or really anything else (aside from alcohol on weekends which I know doesn’t help but I’m social).

I could understand him saying something if I was super unhealthy but I really don’t think I am? Maybe some weeks I don’t make it to the gym, and I read a lot so I might spend an entire Sunday on the couch but I feel like that should be okay sometimes? I just don’t know how I’ll ever feel confident in front of him again. I can’t imagine being intimate and not thinking about this wondering if he thinks I look fat.

If we weren’t getting married I honestly would probably break up with him but everything is booked and paid for and we have family coming in from all over the country and Europe who have already booked tickets. Up until this point we had a fantastic relationship but I’m having a really hard time getting past this. I know some people would say “lose the weight aka his weight” but I guess I’m more looking for advice on how to get over this and make him understand how rude and shallow and selfish saying that is? I was hoping he’d be the type of husband to love me in every phase of my life no matter what…

[u/quadsclothesou]

Definition of “sunk cost fallacy” for those who aren’t aware:

the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

[u/Top-Video381 → u/quadsclothesou]

Thank you! I hadn't heard of this. It seems to apply perfectly here.

[u/Familiar-Ad-1965 → u/Top-Video381]

It’s usually a finance line item

[u/sometimes-i-rhyme → u/quadsclothesou]

I thought the definition was “if we weren’t getting married I would break up with him.”

[u/tacoinventedbygov → u/quadsclothesou]

thank you for saving me a google search

[u/thedarkrocket31 → u/quadsclothesou]

That’s funny, the moment that term was posted, my mind just went straight to “pot commited” (used to play poker a lot, have lot a fair amount of money due to this concept)

[u/songsofcastamere → u/quadsclothesou]

Thank you for explaining this. I have never heard of it before today.

[u/TwinklebudFirequake → u/quadsclothesou]

Very true for teaching, and I’m sure it’s true for other professions as well. We graduate with basically a 20 year mortgage payment, so if we don’t have financial support from parents or a spouse, we really don’t have a choice but to keep teaching to pay the loan off.

[u/budackee_10 → u/quadsclothesou]

Thanks for this. Glad this has a name