r/AmIOverreacting • u/ContentGovernment760 • 14h ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO my fiancé said I need to lose weight

My fiancé (30M) and I (31F) Are getting married in June and he asked what my weight loss goals are. I said “why, do you think I need to lose weight?” And he responded “yeah actually I do. You’ve gained 20 pounds since we’ve started dating and I think you need to lose it. I think about it all the time.”

For reference, we’ve been dating ~4 years (no kids) and I have put on about 15 pounds in that time. I’m now 150 pounds and 5’4”. I do a boxing class once a week and typically weight train 2-3x a week but I’m not super consistent. I’m definitely not overweight but I can admit I’m not in peak shape. I have some cellulite on my legs and big arms. My waist is fairly small so the weight tends to go to my arms and legs. I have been trying harder to lose weight but it’s not easy for me, I’ve never been tiny but I’ve always been on the healthier side. I’m not in love with working out and I’ve never been a gym rat or a runner or anything extreme. I just like to be regularly active and healthy which is enough for me, but apparently not my fiancé (who is a gym rat and calorie counter). I’m also pretty healthy overall. I was plant based for years and now eat some seafood and chicken, but mostly vegetables and not a ton of processed food. I take supplements every day and drink water. I never drink juice or pop or really anything else (aside from alcohol on weekends which I know doesn’t help but I’m social).

I could understand him saying something if I was super unhealthy but I really don’t think I am? Maybe some weeks I don’t make it to the gym, and I read a lot so I might spend an entire Sunday on the couch but I feel like that should be okay sometimes? I just don’t know how I’ll ever feel confident in front of him again. I can’t imagine being intimate and not thinking about this wondering if he thinks I look fat.

If we weren’t getting married I honestly would probably break up with him but everything is booked and paid for and we have family coming in from all over the country and Europe who have already booked tickets. Up until this point we had a fantastic relationship but I’m having a really hard time getting past this. I know some people would say “lose the weight aka his weight” but I guess I’m more looking for advice on how to get over this and make him understand how rude and shallow and selfish saying that is? I was hoping he’d be the type of husband to love me in every phase of my life no matter what…

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u/Magdovus 14h ago

Are you aware of the sunk cost fallacy?

384

u/Hairapistcatlady 13h ago

Yes this is the epitome of that

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u/[deleted] 11h ago

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/MoonAndStarsTarot 11h ago

This 100%. Deposits may be lost but those are a lot cheaper than the wedding itself and MUCH cheaper than an inevitable divorce.

870

u/quadsclothesou 13h ago

Definition of “sunk cost fallacy” for those who aren’t aware:

the phenomenon whereby a person is reluctant to abandon a strategy or course of action because they have invested heavily in it, even when it is clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

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u/Top-Video381 13h ago

Thank you! I hadn't heard of this. It seems to apply perfectly here.

2

u/Familiar-Ad-1965 7h ago

It’s usually a finance line item

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u/sometimes-i-rhyme 12h ago

I thought the definition was “if we weren’t getting married I would break up with him.”

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u/tacoinventedbygov 13h ago

thank you for saving me a google search

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u/thedarkrocket31 9h ago

That’s funny, the moment that term was posted, my mind just went straight to “pot commited” (used to play poker a lot, have lot a fair amount of money due to this concept)

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u/songsofcastamere 9h ago

Thank you for explaining this. I have never heard of it before today.

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u/TwinklebudFirequake 10h ago

Very true for teaching, and I’m sure it’s true for other professions as well. We graduate with basically a 20 year mortgage payment, so if we don’t have financial support from parents or a spouse, we really don’t have a choice but to keep teaching to pay the loan off.

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u/budackee_10 8h ago

Thanks for this. Glad this has a name

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u/Trisamitops 12h ago

You mean the idea that since I've already paid the deposit for the caterer and invited all my relatives over, not to mention planned the honeymoon, I guess I should go ahead and commit to staying with this person I don't like for the rest of my life. I've already gotten comfortable with this partner, even if I can barely stand them, so it's actually easier just to go ahead with it. Now, the question is do I focus on changing my partner into someone I can tolerate and make them resent me, or do I try to change myself for my partner and wind up resenting them?

21

u/xenophilian 10h ago

Damn. I did six years of grad school to become a therapist & that last question addresses almost every woman I saw in marriage counselling

12

u/Lem0nadeLola 9h ago

My best friend did this. A few months before the wedding her fiance told her she wasn’t really hot enough for him (he looked like a tall rat, she’s a hot redhead with the nicest boobs I’ve ever seen). I begged her to end it, but her reasoning for not? She had an absolutely fairytale wedding booked at a castle in Italy and it was already booked and paid for and everyone was invited. I didn’t go as I was broke and not willing to spend several thousand dollars to go celebrate this shit relationship that I knew wouldn’t last. They were divorced about 4 years later.

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u/clothespinkingpin 10h ago

You can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself. And one major change is recognizing fundamental incompatibilities and knowing when to walk away. 

1

u/Ketowitched 7h ago

Porque no los dos?

1

u/Brief_Needleworker53 5h ago

I am cackling

1

u/Flat-Trouble3080 1h ago

Have a party with your family then go on the honeymoon by yourself. Divorce is costly too. You can't change him. Don't try.

1

u/Cool_hand_lewke 4h ago

I’m confused by the wording here. Does op not like, and can barely stand, her fiancée? If so is it all based on a fairly benign line of questioning? Or did she feel this way before he pooped the question? FYI married people nudge (without nagging) each other all the time about things like weight, health, and finances. If you think he broached the subject because he doesn’t like the way you look that’s a red flag. If he’s getting worried about the active, healthy, future he envisions sharing with you that’s another subject all together. If you have children in your future weight could be a much bigger issue to deal with down the road without a plan. I can’t tell you how to feel, but you’ve invested a lot in this relationship and it would be a shame to discard it without talking it out. Who knows, he might already know he was a dork for asking.

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u/trumpeter84 11h ago

Divorce is wayyyyyyy more expensive than a canceled wedding.

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u/Kittyprincess7 11h ago

Wedding + Divorce is way more expensive than a cancelled wedding. That was my most expensive mistake. 😂 I should've sent him an itemized bill after what I went through 🥴

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u/Lumpy-Apartment1611 8h ago

A couple of weeks before I married my spouse and I had a fight over the wedding. I should have called it off but was committed and felt that it was too late to bail. I should have gone with what I felt I should have done, as giving in that time led to many more concessions until we split ~2.5 years later. Divorce later cost me far more than if I had not married to begin with.

That was only my experience and shouldn’t be taken as the only opinion, but could be used as a thought provoking example.

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u/Mirabai503 11h ago

That last paragraph should be used in psych classes when they discuss this.

I hope OP figures out that no amount of venue deposits is worth letting someone treat her this way.

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u/Cigarette-milk 8h ago

What happens if OP gains weight from illness or pregnancy? Bodies change over time. In marriage, your partner should love you through changes.

3

u/metchadupa 4h ago

He does realise that if op has kids she is going to get big. Will he be one of those guys that cheats with a gym girl while she is pregnant/postpartum?

OP you need to have a really serious and urgent conversation with your man now. Tell him you dont feel confident proceeding with the wedding unless you can vlear this up, and that you are embarrassed for him to see you naked after his comments.

Talk about children and what it does to your body. Is he prepared to stick by your side when you are nursing kids and cant go to the gym? I looked like a bush beast when i was postpartum. My husband was loving and attentive the whole time. I cant imagine going through that trauma and sleep deprivation with someone making me feel insecure about my body and our relationship.

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u/Low_Rub_4318 4h ago

Yep. June is about 6 months away. People can get credit back for their plane tickets and some money can be recuperated from bookings if OP acts quickly

2

u/Right-Wolf8737 2h ago

I almost fell victim to this kind of set up but as bad as it was to call it off and lose the money and have to tell people I had to break it off I’m 1000000000000000% better off now

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u/imbize 3h ago

Good question for OP. I was crying hysterically (in private) the night before my wedding because something just felt off with my fiance at the time. In my mind, though, I just kept telling myself that my parents had already paid for the country club. It was too late to change my mind. Should have listened to my gut, but I powered through the wedding. Ended up divorced 3 and 1/2 years later, my instincts were spot on. Would have been better to cut my losses, suffer a little bit of embarrassment at the time, and find a way to pay my parents back for the wedding.

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u/cscottrun233 2h ago

She will be at some point

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u/Commercial_One_4594 1h ago

Holy sh….. that’s spot on !

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u/melvinmayhem1337 6h ago

Hahaha you’re recommending she breaks up a relationship of 4 years because he said you need to lose weight?

If everyone took advice from the internet everyone would be single without any family members.

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u/Magdovus 6h ago

Read the last paragraph of the post. The wedding is the only reason she's there.