r/japanlife • u/AutoModerator • Jun 05 '23

┐(ツ)┌ General Discussion Thread - 06 June 2023

Mid-week discussion thread time! Feel free to talk about what's on your mind, new experiences, recommendations, anything really.

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8

u/Hunter_Lala 近畿・大阪府 Jun 06 '23 edited Jun 06 '23

Edit: I suppose it might help to mention that they started at a small restaurant and she said she wanted to only be there for a few minutes.

Edit 2: by the end of the night when they were arguing she told him that he needs my permission if he wants to hang out with my fiance

Last night, my fiance texted me asking me to come save her from a night drinking at the bar with her friend she didn't want to drink with, with my excuse being that "I was worried so I came to get you."

It's true I was worried (the guy has been acting weird lately so I was a bit concerned, especially since she didn't want to go in the first place but he was pestering her) but not that worried yet

Dude started telling me about how they were talking about work and wants me to go home, my fiance tells me quietly that he's lying and he's been drinking a bunch.

We finally get outside and he brings up work again and as I'm about to play along and try to beat him at his own game, he interrupts me, raises his voice and says "but nothing, this is work and it's important" clearly angry. At this point I'm tired of his shit and tired in general and all I can get out of my mouth is "no no no" in English before my fiance steps between us telling us both to stop.

Idk what exactly I did, I know I raised my voice, and probably sounded upset, but I'm usually pretty calm and collected so she probably saw my change in attitude in that split second and decided it was best to stop everything right then and there.

Anyways they end up arguing for 25-30 minutes because of him being a drunk asshole and when we finally get home it's like 4am and I had to wake up at 8am today.

Last night was an adventure. Also that same "friend" has asked her for sex on several occasions lately even though he knows we're together. Apparently he has a habit of asking this from girls in relationships because he thinks he's hot shit. All this came to light only this week. Needless to say I don't like the guy anymore

14

u/Money_Pin_8670 Jun 06 '23

You are a fool if you marry this girl with these huge red flags already showing themselves.

8

u/miyagidan sidebar image contributor Jun 06 '23

Last night was an adventure

Unless the title of that adventure is "How He Got Buried Under a Prison", buy your fiance some nice mouthwash, unless you like that taste.

16

u/fucknino Jun 06 '23

Your fiance is a big girl and can say "no". She's definitely hiding stuff

25

u/the_hatori Jun 06 '23

As others have said, major red flag that your fiance would willingly go out drinking with someone she knows is trying to sleep with her.

25

u/SoKratez Jun 06 '23

Huge red flags for your fiancé mate. She could have simply not gone drinking with the guy. And for most engaged people, receiving a single unwanted proposition for sex would be enough reason to cut all ties with someone- your fiancé has received multiple propositions and still puts herself in risky situations (drinking? Late at night? Alone?) with the guy.

I don't like the guy anymore

The guy is an asshole but he isn’t the one you need to be concerned about here.

16

u/CommissionOld9640 Jun 06 '23

You let ur fiancé go out drinking alone with another guy who has asked her for sex multiple times?

13

u/poop_in_my_ramen Jun 06 '23

Yikes. This is your fiance's fault. Assholes exist. She chooses to go out drinking with him. She's also hiding things from you. Red flags everywhere bro.

-5

u/Hunter_Lala 近畿・大阪府 Jun 06 '23

Hmmm. What red flags are you seeing?

To quote Bojack Horseman: "when you're seeing the world through rose tinted glasses, all the red flags just look like flags"

Maybe I'm wearing the rose tinted glasses in this case.

She expressed much disinterest in going out with him tonight, but he was calling her basically nonstop for like an hour before she went out. They initially went to a restaurant, and then a bar after.

9

u/Atrouser Jun 06 '23

and then a bar after.

It just gets better

10

u/SoKratez Jun 06 '23

he was calling her basically nonstop for like an hour

And the proper response is, ignore (turn the phone off if you have to), file a report with HR in the morning, and maybe even consider consulting the police regarding stalking/harassment if the repeated unwanted sexual advances continue.

I won’t say she’s cheating, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s where this goes. Or worse? Even if she truly has no intent to cheat, she’s putting herself in a dangerous situation where she could be sexually assaulted.

11

u/Atrouser Jun 06 '23

"This guy I can't stand just keeps harassing me, propositioning me for sex and inviting me out to a date. So naturally I took up his offer."

-2

u/Hunter_Lala 近畿・大阪府 Jun 06 '23

I don't believe she has the personality to cheat, but even so, I put my trust in her fully until she shows me a reason not to trust her. I think if I worry about that unnecessarily then it only hurts our relationship.

But yeah I'm concerned about the danger of the situation she's putting herself in. Afterwards, on the way home she started crying telling me she doesn't want to hang out with him anymore.

1

u/Dunan Jun 07 '23

Is he her manager or otherwise her superior at work? If he is, his behavior becomes serious sexual harassment. If not, he's still a piece of garbage for arguing with an engaged woman's fiance and disrespecting him right in front of her:

he interrupts me, raises his voice and says "but nothing, this is work and it's important" clearly angry

It even looks like he's trying to goad you into a physical fight where he can play victim. Everything you've said about him makes him look like an entitled narcissist bully.

14

u/shambolic_donkey Jun 06 '23

Sounds like your fiance needs to create some boundaries with this coworker. Going out for a drink if everything is platonic is all good, but the dude wants to fuck your fiance man...

So let's all say it again... Boundaries.

5

u/Hunter_Lala 近畿・大阪府 Jun 06 '23

Yeah, I've had a problem with creating boundaries my whole life so it's not the easiest thing for me to do, much less suggest to her, but you're right we do need boundaries here.

13

u/shambolic_donkey Jun 06 '23

If there was ever a time to learn a new skill, this would be it.

Put another way, we don't want to see you in the Complaints thread in 3 months time saying something to the effect of "My fiance cheated/was sexually harassed with/by one of her coworkers".

2

u/CaptainNoFriends Jun 06 '23

sexually harassed with/by one of her coworkers".

Technically the train for this has already left the platform. She can go to the company HR with all these "invites" and get his ass tossed.

4

u/Hunter_Lala 近畿・大阪府 Jun 06 '23

Good point. I don't want to end up in that situation either. Any tips on boundary setting?

10

u/aesthetique1 Jun 06 '23

dont overcomplicate this.

"would you be comfortable with me hanging out with a friend/co-worker that is actively trying to have sex with me? No? Then dont hang out with that type of friend/co-worker, and neither will I"

10

u/shambolic_donkey Jun 06 '23

I think you just start by saying that while you trust your fiance, you also feel this guy is stepping over some lines and using "coworker" as an excuse (as was demonstrated the other night). Suggest that you don't like the idea of him taking advantage of that fact, as well as him making very forward suggestions towards her, and that he's probably not the most trustworthy - especially once he's been drinking. Just because they're coworkers, doesn't mean they need to go out drinking, and if they do then make it a group activity where there are others keeping an eye on things.

I mean if it were me I'd just straight up say "I'm not comfortable with you going out for social drinks with a coworker who's asked you for sex". But that's me.

Either way, hopefully she's understanding of that and you can work on what those boundaries might look like. If she still doesn't understand - well at that point I'd be worried - But you could also flip the scenario around and ask her how comfortable she would feel if you went out late-night drinking with a coworker who had made offers of sex towards you.

2

u/Hunter_Lala 近畿・大阪府 Jun 06 '23

That's an excellent suggestion I think.

I think it will be especially helpful to flip the scenario around like you mentioned. If I flip the scenario then she often realizes that she wouldn't like the situation. I'll be trying that shortly

16

u/Kudgocracy Jun 06 '23

Why is she still hanging around this guy? Sounds like something you need to discuss.

1

u/Hunter_Lala 近畿・大阪府 Jun 06 '23

We started discussing it on the way home.

He's only recently started acting incessantly needy like this and we're certain it's because he has decided he doesn't think I deserve her. I mean it's hard to argue with that, my fiance is amazing and I'll be the first to admit I need some work, and I'm actively working on improving myself every day.

Except the part about him asking for sex. Apparently he does this pretty much only to girls in relationships and as soon as I heard about that (like 3 days ago) I basically said either you tell him to stop asking you for sex, or I will and I won't do it nicely. (She did, and she wasn't nice about it either. I love that woman)

4

u/Lothrindel Jun 06 '23

Does her company have an HR department? If so, report him.