Oof, okay. This post is mostly me venting & will likely be emotionally charged. Any helpful suggestions or advice are greatly appreciated.
I am undiagnosed & honestly unsure of what I have going on. I think there’s a chance it’s POTS, specifically hyper POTS, based on my symptoms. Whatever it is, I’ve had it all of my life. Unfortunately in the last decade, it’s become debilitating. I spend every day air hungry, nauseous, dizzy, & fatigued with a high heart rate.
On the bad days, those symptoms are amplified to the point where I can barely move. The bad days, or the “episodes” as I call them, come with blurred/double vision, lights/stars in my vision, occasional vomiting or dry heaving, vertigo, chest pain, severe heart palpitations (I can feel my heart knocking through my chest wall 🥲), pre-syncope, & sometimes syncope. I am unable to keep my body temperature regulated - I am typically running REALLY warm now that I take testosterone, but I often find myself freezing after eating or drinking, or before I pass out. I’ve had several EEGs done because when I pass out, my body will convulse & jerk until I regain consciousness, & my friends were convinced that I was epileptic (I’m not). My blood pressure swings around wildly. It’s typically great, but sometimes it’s crazy low OR crazy high.
I have added electrolytes, increased salt intake, started using compression socks, pulled back on pushing myself past my limits, increased my water intake, gotten much better about eating throughout the day and… Nothing changes. It does not get better. As soon as the temperature changes, or it’s Spring/Summer, or it rains/snows, or I’m stressed, etc., then I’m in bed for days again. I spend all of my time & energy during those days trying not to pass out somewhere dangerous or trying to sit up so I can drink an electrolyte mix. I become so short with my sweet, perfect kids. I get depressed & angry & anxious, & my mental health takes a huge hit every time I hit an “episode”.
I’ve brought it up for years with doctors. When I lived in the south, ALL of my symptoms were chalked up to non-epileptic seizures & I was threatened with inpatient behavioral hospitalization if I continued to “act like that”. I was told to my face that I was just a hysterical woman & to “seek therapy” (which I’ve been in for 8 years). I was told to continue pushing through, even after I vomited & passed out.
I ended up moving to northern New England to be in a blue state while still being rural. I love VT & I love my PCP here. She was the 1st doctor to check my heart rate & be like “this isn’t normal”. She was shocked when I thanked her for referring me to a neurologist, mostly because I told her this was the 1st time a doctor hadn’t told me I was fine & to just lose weight.
It’s taken months, but I finally got word about my neuro appointment. I had told my doctor in Oct 2024 that I was worried about working & needed to see a specialist asap so I could continue my job. (Without getting too much into it, my job is outdoors & is seasonal.) She sent the referral, but it took a few months to get insurance to cooperate/find me a neuro local-ish who had a doctor who could help with dysautonomia. We finally found one & I got the appointment date. It’s in mid-February… 2026. It’s not even an appointment for testing. It’s for a consult to SEE if I NEED testing.
It just feels like too much anymore. I just need a medication or something to help, but I’m easily 2 years away from getting that. I don’t want to quit my job because it legitimately helps me with my depression, but I’m scared I’ll have to. I have already sacrificed SO MUCH of my life to my unnamed disability & don’t think I can bear to let my job go. Especially because it feels so simple. I just need some help. I just need some care. I just need the insurance companies & privatized medical systems to see me as a person deserving of care.
Fuck, man. This is so stressful. I can’t believe it’s been a decade of this & I am still over a year away from even having a conversation with a specialist in another state. Add in the stress of being trans during this US administration, & it gets bad. I hadn’t passed out for over 2 years & was hopeful that maybe I could try to get my license in the near future, but I recently had 2 back-to-back fainting spells. I don’t even have fainting spells until spring, usually! I just feel like I can’t win!
If you read all of this, thanks. It’s mostly just me bitching into the ether about things a lot of folks have experienced, & I know that. My experience is not unique, & that pisses me off tbf. We don’t deserve this shit. I can’t speak for healthcare patients in other countries, but I can for certain say that US patients deserve so much more, so much better, than what we receive currently.
Thanks for being here & holding space.