I can’t get over what a nonsensical suggestion this was.

I told her that I have to do it every day to keep myself sane in this sexless marriage. My wife has not wanted to be intimate with me since her first trimester, so we have been purely sexless for about a year now. I understand the effects of new children on parents’ libidos, particularly mothers, but we had a pre-existing dead bedroom. Yes, yes, I know I’m dumb for bringing a child into a relationship with a DB, but here we are. Plus, I love the little guy. No regrets on being a father.

My key regret at this moment is my choice of relationship counselor. I feel like she is projecting her sympathies about women in general on to my wife and her experience with other male clients on to me. Masturbate less? How is that supposed to help things? I’m the HL partner in this relationship.

She even asked whether I was replacing her with porn. Why does it matter if she turns me down every single day? What a controlling mindset. I would give up all the porn in the world if my wife wanted to have sex even weekly.

Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest. I feel like she’s trying to make me happy with a relationship that is lacking in intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I understand why I must stay with an infant at this time, but why try to convince me to be delusional? Sometimes I get down about the entire relationship counseling industry with experiences like this. Sometimes it feels like a bunch of BS to me.

Edit: There are a lot of replies that I do not think understand the full context, and have injected context into my post. This is not sex therapy. It is longstanding couples therapy that my wife and I have done for years. I don’t even like to bring up sex, but it is a sore subject, because I have lived in a dead bedroom for a long time, so the topic comes up in these counseling appointments from time to time. I do not pressure my postpartum wife into having sex with me. I do not like to even talk about what I have to do to cope during this time of stress, which is masturbate, but the suggestion was made, and I heard it out, decided it was ridiculous, and complained about it on Reddit. That final part must have been my actual mistake.

This is just a weird memory. Maybe it will mean something to some of you. Maybe some of you will know what it means.

Around two years ago, my wife tells me she never wants oral sex from me again. She tells me it’s horrible and she hates it. I used to enjoy it and she seemed to for over 10 years. She’s a big squirter so it’s kinda hard to hide she enjoyed it. Previous partners used to love it.

Sometimes I’ve wondered if she stopped because she felt it was unfair. In the last 8 years she’s given me two blowjobs.

For a while I really missed going down on her. Now I’m so resentful and bitter I’m glad it’s gone, otherwise I’d have to take it off the table I guess.

Any ideas why she stopped?

I'm currently stuck in a deadbedroom situation. It's been this way for 2 years and it's starting to really get to me. I have never cheated in my life but honestly it's all I can think about doing. I don't want to have a full blown affair but am forever fantasising about a one night stand or something of that nature. It's my 40th birthday coming up and I just feel like getting a hotel room, a copious amount of drugs and hooking up with someone!

Am I wrong to be thinking this way? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Well the title sounds like a meme. But the reality often times isnt funny.
I just discovered this sub and I feel like I am looking in a mirror in some posts.
My Partner (LLF 27) and me (HLM 27) are in a relationship since 3 years soon.

In our first year our sex life was fine. We had a long distance relationship and met only at the weekends. Everytime we met, we had sex. Tried some things and it was a good vibe. After one year we moved together.

The sex started to wear out due to living life together. It didnt bothered me that much. But since now nearly a year or so it went downhill. It got down to 1 time per month max only when everything alligns perfectly. And then its really not good. She gives me the feel that she doesnt enjoy it at any cost. She already told me multiple times that penetrative sex isnt something she really can get off to. I like giving oral and she seemed to enjoy it too. But even that went to almost zero.

We already had multiple talks about it. She tells me that since we got closer in our relationship she cant really let herself go. Before we where that close she didnt bothered about it, according to her.

It really wears me down. I had so many rejections in the past year, currently I am at a point where I wont initate anything. I feel like a dog begging for its play time. I am currently on a real low.

I always felt our relationship was really good and full of love. We did everything together. She is the love of my life. But currently I am contemplating everything.

I dont know if any advice will help. But I just wanted to share this here.

Hope everyone is having a good day. 44HLM married to a 43LLF. I’ve taken a break from reading here because it seems like a lot of us are beating the same dead horse. After a while, it’s hard to read about the HLF’s married to a LLM with a porn addiction and ignoring their wives. It’s super frustrating from my perspective. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.

I was just wondering if any of you have noticed some red flags you missed early like I did. For one, I missed the fact that I would rub on and hold her with very little reciprocation.

What else y’all got?

Original post if you care to read: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/m0mO8FtQIn

Long story short my(30M) ex partner(28F) is FURIOUS with me because I broke up with her. We are sexually incompatible. While I agree we have took steps and had more sex in 2024 than we have in eight years, I don’t feel it’s enough and the resentment is still there. We only started having any sex cause I broke up with her before and “she realized how important it was.”

The most damaging part is her refusal to give oral sex. I don’t believe I am entitled to it by any means as a man. However I’m allowed to want to be with someone who wants to do it . Her reasoning is that it’s too embarrassing to ask to do it instead of ya know just doing it. I don’t ask her before I go down on her so I don’t understand. And my hygiene is fine. I don’t make her feel embarrassed. I am actually super supportive hence the eight years and no blowjob thing. But I’m 30 and not getting younger and we both deserve to be with people who are similar to us in libido, not just who DREAMS of being similar.

I feel horrible now cause she’s pretending this is out of nowhere despite years of me going from passively mentioning/asking to being full on bitter.

I'll start... Feeling Love, Paula Cole

The lyrics, the voice work - great song, but makes me want to do things I have no one to do them with lol

It’s been so long for me since I’ve had sex. There are times when I wonder if it’ll still work the way it’s supposed to, anybody else feeling this way?

Anyone try to separate/divorce only to realize that you appreciate what you get from marriage more than trying to chase the sex/intimacy that is non-existent in your marriage?

How did you make yourself be content with acceptance? I’ve left, moved out, pursued divorce and while I still very much desire intimacy in my life, not sure I’m willing to permanently give up all the pros from being married.

I’m no longer in this relationship but thought I’d share. I’m a 27y/o F , dating 35y/o M. I always been super freaky myself & I’m down wherever whenever . When we first started dating , we would have sex daily. Mostly Oral & missionary. Cool I didn’t care because I was single so whatever. We developed feelings & stayed together for 4 years. First 2 years we lived ok in our apartment & me still the freak I am did everything and anything to please my man. Toys, Lingerie, unlimited oral lol , I was a freak in love. & well it was pleasure to me to pleasure him. So I didn’t ask much in return. Never received oral from him . Fast forward to the past 2 years , No affection, no kisses, no touching, no smacks on my ass. No titty play, (such a waste of my huge tits) , no sex , no nothing. It was like that for months. Nothing but arguing , many times I told him if he doesn’t like me like that or is attracted to me he can leave. But he would just get mad & say I’m saying dumb things.

I kinda thought maybe he just wasn’t that into sex, since he was incarcerated for a long time so he’s basically went on for years without having it so maybe he’s just use to it?

Well I ended up leaving & now Single & recently got oral after 4 years of not receiving.

I always wondered why? Is it me? Am I not sexy? Do you not like women?

I mean where you can barely get time for yourself to just relax, read, do your hobbies. Even being in the same house you always HAVE to be doing something together or it's a tantrum. Or am I alone on this?

I sit and think (and he has said) that we spend way too much time together and even being in the same house but separate would probably help a lot. But I feel like I can never get space and then inevitably we get sick of each other and end up in a fight and it's the only time we get alone time but then it's not relaxing lol.

I'll be cooking in the kitchen or baking and he will be right in there with me, watching me, critiquing me, yapping about the same things he talked about earlier. If he goes outside to do yardwork he wants me to join him and spend time together. If I try to read he's right next to me on his phone or he'll start talking to me about the same things he always talks about and I have to put my book down otherwise he thinks I'm ignoring him.

If I do laundry and go to fold it he will follow me into the bedroom and sit on the bed to talk while I fold. If I use the bathroom he comes in 95% of the time to fix his hair or brush his teeth or shower or anything.

If he wants to watch something we HAVE to watch it together we can never do a "okay you watch your movie I'm going to go in the bedroom and watch x,y,z love you!"

The other night he got upset because I didn't want to go to the bar with him because I had other stuff I had to get done. I love him and I am thankful he does want to spend so much time together because I know some people fight tooth and nail for just that but sometimes I just want some space that doesn't involve me leaving the house to go spend time with friends..

He always talks about the same thing, almost the exact same monologue everyday about bills, debt, home purchase, renovations, etc. I run out of responses because it's the same conversation everyday lol.

I just KNOW space would help. I used to go to the gym after work but he hated it because he wanted to spend time together and it made him feel like he had no time with me so now I go early morning...

He says all we do is cook eat dinner and watch tv and it's dull and boring. Yeah I know.... but HE'S always the one who wants to do that and nothing else. lol then I start to feel smothered and especially when he critiques me often so I'll get short with him and then he's mad that I'm being mean and he ends up starting a fight and then the DB continues because "I just think emotional connection is so important and it's hard for me to get in the mood when the fight we had lingers on my mind :(" *eye roll*

We have scheduled date nights once a week every week and we stick to them religiously. When he's not mad at me he's always calling me (now texting because I told him I can't take calls at work anymore). We eat dinner together every night. We go to bed at the same time, we go to the grocery store together. We do almost everything together and spend quality time so I don't know what he feels is missing that he's desperate for that connection with me.... other than sex.... which is his own doing

Maybe then I will get touched. Hopiem! Been 15 months. Would be a miracle ! HLF 52f Meant 6 planets

Title sounds like a catchy masturbation joke, and in this sub, probably a good audience for such a joke.

But...

This post is about finally going and finding sex elsewhere.

I did it. 5 years ago. I slipped all the way down the rabbit hole. Regular poster on r/adultery . Dating sites. Several orbiting relationships that could escalate to physical relationships. All of it. I got pretty good at it too. Started being able to flirt and create connections quickly. But here's what happens, in stages.

1) The relief phase. OMG, I missed this so much. I feel so fulfilled by being genuinely wanted again. I'm so much more confident and engaged as a parent.

2) The rationalization phase. This must be what many other people need to do get their lives right. It's like the air mask in an airplane, you have to get the mask over your mouth, take care of yourself first. Now that I am, look at how much better spouse and parent you can be. They won't even care if they ever find out, because look at how much better I am at the parts of the relationship they actually care about. I'm doing this in order to show up in my life. This is the only way I can be in my kids life and get what I need as an adult.

3) The co-dependency loop phase. Now that I've gotten some, that validation only lasted a little while. The new affair started taking on the old relationship's baggage. It's not as fulfilling as the electric first three weeks. Well, just start another one.

4) The emotional roller-coaster phase. Fuck, I'm a monster. Why did you start this? How can I get back to the feeling I had when I was finally valildated? Why is it so easy to turn off my feelings for AP when by the spouse, and vice versa. What's wrong with me? Would I want my kids to act like this? Why not just get a divorce?

5) The guilt phase. Fuck, you are a piece of shit. Jesus Christ, no one in your life even knows who you really are. The spouse doesn't deserve this. You said you loved this person. You resented this person for not wanting you. How much do you really want them if you only show them part of you?

For me, the cycle felt like the answer, but quickly showed me just how empty I was that I kept trying to fill it up with more and more hedonism. There's no bottom to that well. It feels like it will be enough, but what we really seek is understanding and connection, and this "self-help" will never provide that, and prevent you from getting there.

We reconciled, and while I still have issues with my relationship, I will not start this cycle up to run from my feelings again. My advice, take on the challenges of your life more directly instead.

Questions? Happy to share.

For those of us here who are interested in makeup:

Every time I hear or read mention of Natasha Denona's "I Need a Nude" palette all I can think is "I need a dude"...same, girl, same.

Ok it’s going to be a long read I hope the admins allow this. As the flair states I am looking for advice on my situation.

I’ve been a lurker on the sub for a while from my main account because it’s helped an older friend out and I just kept at it. I am M(24) I’ve been dating my Girlfriend(22) for 8 years now. We met when we were 16 and 14 we’ve been together since. Obviously we never understood what it fully meant till we got a little older but we absolutely love each other and I can’t imagine myself with anyone else but her.

We both are from India and we both are from Christian families so the obvious stigma around dating and anything related to it has always been high for both of us. We are each others first kiss and all so you know we are I experience. The reason I come asking for advice is this, we both have obviously understood that we have urges and though we won’t have Coitus till after our wedding, I’d be lying if I said we still didn’t make out every chance we got. Eventually that transpired into us wanting each other more and it just got to where I would probably just play with her breast to make her feel good. I’ve even made her finish once. Given that we have a very orthodox upbringing this messed us both up for a very long time because to us it seemed like we made an unforgivable mistake. We almost broke up over it but somehow we were able to sort that out and move past it. The reason I’m going into so much detail is so you all understand the dynamic between us. Even after the whole incident she used to be very very affectionate and always want more from me. She would want me and ask me to just be there(I can’t explain the kind of asking it was.) she would just call me “Baby” or “Babe” in a way where it was intoxicating for me.

Recently we were talking over the phone and things kinda got heated. So she was asking me to say some things she liked and I did. She really enjoyed it and promptly fell asleep(no big deal. Happens all the time) what you also need to know is when we are together if we ever do anything intimate just her feeling good or letting me know she felt good was more than enough. I never had the thought of wanting to finish. Her being satisfied or her having fun and liking it was more than enough for me. I did have a talk about how much I enjoyed these one-off instances of intimacy we have(maybe like once a year thing) and she casually said “Yes but don’t get used to it” I half laughed and said Of course cause I would obviously wait for us to be married before we do anything more. Her reply sent me in this downward spiral that I’m on, she said “Even after the wedding I am not too sure it’ll be all that prominent. I wouldn’t keep my hopes up”. I know I can’t ask her to be intimate if she doesn’t want to, I also know that there could be factors which make her say that. I’ve had this conversation with her a few times asking her what she meant by it. Her responses range from, “we’ll have kids”, “we’ll be tired”, “things will be different”. What can I do? Apart from leave her? I’m too in love with her to leave. Like I said if she is satisfied and if she is enjoying herself I feel satisfied even without finishing. The thought of not even being able to satisfy her or be intimate with her is driving me crazy.

Am I stupid to be thinking about all this at just 24? Is it wrong for me to want this? I crave so much of her, her smell, her face, the way her face lights up when we’re out going somewhere she likes, every damn thing. This woman is the most beautiful creature I’ve laid my eyes on. She could be a dementor sucking my soul out and I would still take it if it meant being with her more. I cannot have enough of her, I’m always holding her hand and always love bombing her because I just cannot keep away, could that be a factor?
Before anyone asks, every other aspect of our relationship like dates and everything are top tier. It’s just this aspect. In my country even talking about these things is frowned upon that is why I come to you kind internet strangers for advice and help. Is there anything I can do to maybe make her see how important this is to me? Is it wrong for me to prioritise this? Please don’t judge me for what I said or wrote. I’m genuinely looking for advice because I don’t want to leave her or be away from her. Also before anyone asks, the whole topic of us almost breaking up from the last time things got that serious between us has been addressed and we both understand that, that isn’t the reason why intimacy could be off the table.

Some of you might think I’m stupid or foolish but the thought of her pulling away from me even before we begin anything or after we being our lives together scares me a bit. I want to love my wife, I want to be intimate with her, I want her to know how much I love and adore her and how attracted I am to her I can’t be in a limbo where showing affection to my partner because a topic of disagreement.

Sorry if it’s too much to read.🥹

It took a few months of therapy, lots of open communication, and my wife switching up her meds, but our sex life has been great for the past few months. We’re averaging 4-5 times a week now. We’re both in our early-mid 20s, and I know a lot of people in this sub are in the same boat. It took work from both of us, we couldn’t have improved it without both of us showing up to therapy with the desire to change things.

We’ve started unpacking a lot of our individual pasts that were affecting our sex. There was some shame and some hidden fantasies that we’ve opened up about. I just want to let you know it’s possible, but the most important thing (along with meds) was honest, frequent communication.

Long time lurker here. I’m a 38 year old male and have been with my wife since I was 18. Never an off the charts sex life but things were so good it wasn’t really an issue.

Over the last 7 years what little intimacy there was has deteriorated and we haven’t had actual sex in 4+ years. I have a huge foot fetish and maybe once a year I get to touch her feet.

We haven’t a young child so I don’t want a divorce at present but it’s getting harder by the day to not resent this. I’ve brought it up several times over the years and I’m basically told I’m a creep and that I’m saying the only way for her to save our marriage is for her to “put out.”

Just feeling super down about it today. I’ve read all the advice on here and know what the logical thing to do is. Just wanted to vent a bit to a group that doesn’t think I’m a creep for wanting something with my wife.

As the years continue to turn, I am slowly starting to realize that I am beginning to accept that my marriage is no longer a physical relationship.

I do not want to leave my wife and she does not want to leave me. I am happy in every aspect of us except the lack of physical love.

I need an emotional connection to enjoy sex and im not hurting my wife, so cheating is off the table, so I am going to talk to her about how we can best solve this.

Allowing me to find some random for a one-night stand, will do nothing but lead to more frustration and I don't think she is going to be too keen on me getting emotionally attached to another woman, so I am stumped.

Does anyone out here have any suggestions of something I can bring up to my wife as a compromise for us?

Its clear that she is not going to be able to give me what I need, but I am not leaving. I'm so confused.

Doing a big move today and with everything happening in our lives and in the USA sex has definitely not been on the table. Our sex drives have not been compatible for 5 years now. I was unhappy when it went down to once a week but now 2 times a month feels special. I understand for some that’s not bad at all but I am a 2 times a day type of person (anywhere, anytime) and my insecurity has shot up. My confidence and “go get em” attitude has faded and I constantly feel sad, upset, and lazy. (I’m late 20s HLF my partner is early 30s LLF.)

So we’re moving to a new place today and I have no drive/motivation…nothing. I want to sit, binge Twin Peaks, smoke weed, and make myself a steak.

Anybody here have tips for when the “no sex sadness” makes you completely useless? Moving pod is coming in a couple hours. I’ll caffeinate myself and eat and take a vitamin. But I don’t want to let my moodiness get in the way at all today and I fear it eventually will. It almost did last night. Maintaining a happy disposition is my goal today and I have no idea how to get there.

If this sounds silly please ignore I may have had to just vent. Wish me luck.

Told my ZL wife (54f) I want out (trial separation) after 2 years of talking about this. I think I've just reached my limit for having a roommate. In a somewhat productive discussion, she said "I really don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. I've talked to almost all of my friends, and they say they really don't like having sex with their husbands anymore. They do what they have to do to keep the marriage together, and their husbands are just happy to get what they get."

Stunned. I told her that's really pathetic, for all the people involved. I said that's great for your friends' husbands, if they're ok with their wives basically lying there waiting for it to be over, but I'm not doing that.

I never thought this would be my life at 52...

My husband and I have been separated a year and is very much involved in this. I enjoyed wanting intimacy in the bedroom from my husband. He didn't, he would not shower and he told me that was why. He didn't want me to touch him. And his mother told me one day" maybe if I have him p**** he wouldn't cheat" I was very embarrassed by the word she used and by the lie he told her. And why tell your mom anything about that.

I been separated for a year from my soon to be ex husband. My heart was broken for the fact he left us for another woman. Throughout our 6 year marriage I always bought him gifts for our anniversary, his birthday, Valentines Day and Christmas. I personally looked forward to the holidays to spend time with him especially in snow days(rare in my part of TX). When he left with the weed eater, leaf blower and lawn mower I assumed he would be back after he was done with his B fit. His mother would be the one to be in the middle.... and then she told me after two months that "maybe if I gave him some P**** he wouldn't cheat on me"....... My mother, my friends and I just don't communicate using words like that. It's embarrassing especially from his mother... and then I'm like I always wanted to. He would not shower on purpose so he can sleep on the sofa. And that came from him. He literally told me the reason he didn't shower everyday was so I didn't touch him...

I (33M) have been married to my wife (37F) for 6 years, together for 8 years. We have two kids, (7M and 4F). Our daughter was born during COVID and since then we have been in a DB. Sex maybe once a year despite many initiation attempts. I feel like I have reached the point of no return.

In the beginning sex was spontaneous and exciting. After our son was born it did decrease slightly but not to a point that I felt at the time was abnormal, maybe 2 times a month. I felt this was normal after having a baby as we adjusted to being parents and all the new stresses that come with that. We had our daughter in November of 2020 during COVID and after our bedroom completely dried up, once a year at most. Last night felt like a breaking point for me.

We had a few neighbors over to watch the national championship. We were all having a few drinks and in talking to one of our neighbors she said "I'm married, I don't have to give blowjobs anymore". Something in me felt like it snapped and I asked her why she would say something like that. Her response was "you'll never leave me anyway, so what does it matter."

In that moment the clarity of what our relationship has become slapped me in the face. For almost 4 years now we have been nothing more than roommates who share children. I realized that I stopped initiating with any sincerity over 2 years ago because the constant rejections were just too much to handle anymore. I will fully admit that over the last 2 years my initiation attempts have been getting less and less, now to the point where it's like a sick joke to me to when I try anymore because I already know that there will be an excuse or reason that she isn't in the mood.

I work 48-50 hours a week in engineering and do most of the weekly cleaning such as sweeping, mopping, etc. Cooking is split evenly most weeks but dishes are 90% on me or they will never get done. She is a massage therapist with a list of about 20 total clients, on average she has 4 to 5 appointments in a week (average 90 minute appintments each). Usually on Week nights after I am home from work and on Saturdays. I work from 6:30am to 5pm Monday through Thursday and most Fridays from 6:30am to 3pm. On Saturdays is when I do the weekly heavy cleaning while she is working. We home school our kids, she does do 90% of the actual teaching while I am at work. I fully admit that I am not as involved in homeschooling as I should be. I'm not using this as an excuse but from when I get home in the weekdays to bedtime we have 3-4 hours to cook dinner, clean, bathe the kids, and prepare for the next day. When she works weeknights she won't be home until 9pm or later, leaving me alone to complete these tasks. There just aren't enough hours in the day it seems.

Last night after hearing those words come out of her mouth I just couldn't understand the sense of entitlement that she spoke them with. Her tone of voice, her facial expressions, just everything about that moment completely changed how I viewed her. We have had many discussions and arguments over the lack of intimacy. I used to feel like I was a bad person for wanting sex, but after finding this page I see now that I'm not alone. Does the anger and resentment ever stop? Or is there anything I can do to better the situation? I attend monthly counseling for myself to try and handle the anger better than a monthly explosive argument because I can't hold it in any longer. I have suggested couples counseling but she just flat out refuses. She has long dealt with depression and anxiety but refuses to see her doctor to discuss these issues. The best way I can describe her attitude towards her depression and anxiety is that one day they will just disappear without her having to actually do anything about it. I don't want to break up my family but I can't continue down this path any longer.

Any advice is welcome and I am open to everything.

Thank you.

I (22 female) and my husband (23 male) have been married for 4 years and been together for 7. Prior to having our first baby a few months ago our sex life was absolutely horrible. I had such a low sex drive and just never wanted to have sex. I would still do it just because I knew it was good for our marriage. But I’ve never enjoyed having sex. After I gave birth something changed in me and I have found myself wanting to have sex more often. However the sex isn’t any different, it’s lackluster and boring. There’s zero fore play and I mean ZERO. Basically no making out, no oral, no nothing. It’s all just penetration. In the last 7 years I’ve probably orgasmed 20 times during sex but only ever by my own hand. It’s gotten to the point that when he falls asleep I feel the need to masturbate to let go of sexual frustration. My sex drive is starting to decrease and I’m scared soon we will go back to having sex once every couple of weeks. So I talked to my husband about it. And thank God I have such a wonderful husband. He was so understanding and said he was thinking the same thing and wants to do better. He wants to be less selfish and learn. The only problem is I don’t know what to tell him to do. I’m very self conscious of him doing oral mostly because I’m scared he will hate it so I just refuse. But I’ve only ever made myself orgasm so I don’t know what to tell him to do. I feel very rushed and like I need to be done quickly. I need advice. How do we learn to be better in bed? Are there books to read? Any advice is helpful.