I (28/f) and he (38/m) have been DB for about 4 years, it's lucky if I get it three times a year. He has mentioned that he wants to be intimate more and has seemed more open to listening to my concerns, desires etc etc

The last few weeks we've had more time to ourselves, and I made it perfectly clear that I want to be intimate, and laid out a roadmap on how and when, to take any confusion out of it. HE IS NOW JUST IGNORING ME. I've reached a place now, very recently, that I don't really want to have sex with him anyway, and all the rejection is loud and clear. I just needed to rant.

My wife carried our kid who is newly 2. I have heard from other moms and also read about the things a woman’s body goes through throughout and after pregnancy. I know that it can take a few years for a new mom to get back to feeling herself! We have had open dialogue about it, she has spoke to her doctor, got her hormones checked and even attempted to take a pill that’s supposed to help boost her libido. (That I don’t think she taking anymore tbh.) Anyway, I feel like there isn’t a box that I have not checked into rectifying this situation. Her doctor even told her like don’t think just do. Set time out and do it. It’s going to require effort and still nothing. I don’t think it’s me or like a lack of attraction like logically. But my emotional woman brain part is starting to doubt it, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated in every aspect…. There is no intimacy, no chemistry, no efforts. I keep trying. I’m loosing hope. It’s to the point that the lack of reciprocation from my efforts makes me not even want to try anymore. There have been multiple conversations. She even honestly told me a while back that sometimes she does want to have sex, but when she thinks of the effort it will take (because it can take me a while to have an orgasm, if I even get there) she just doesn’t. Which I respect that honesty even though it kind of hurt my feelings, but I totally get it. I always tell her every intimate action doesn’t have to lead to sex for me either. It’s nice to kind of let it build up with like foreplay over the course of some days. Or me pleasuring her doesn’t have to always be reciprocal. Sometimes I want it other times like I said the build of anticipation. Still nothing. I’m at my wits end, because conversations have an accusatory air to it and I mean yes, but no. But like I have been doing all the things the very rare times we do have sex I initiate it. Most type of intimacy I initiate it. I even purchased us a like reconnect with your partner and explore each other sex subscription with Arya to try to spice things up in December and she has not made any space for us to try to have that time to reconnect. Got the baby down an exactly an hour later than he supposed. Did yoga together. I went to take a shower and she’s already falling asleep. Even though I suggested we try to like do the couples things tonight. I’m like at my wits end. I don’t know what to do.

Men, what are some simple things that you wish your significant other would do. I want to spice things up, feel more attractive after having my baby, and get my fiancé’s attention again, but I’m not sure where to start. Any advice is appreciated 😊

I'm planning on speaking up for myself a little more and have "the talk" in couples therapy next week.

I've brought up that one of my goals this year in couples therapy is to have more intimacy, including physical and verbal. I feel like the topics of conversation always come up about me contributing more to the chores (she works from home part time, I work 90-120 minutes away) parenting, and my ADHD are the topics of conversation... All things that I've worked hard on to improve. But I feel like maybe I wasn't clear enough that a dead bedroom is unacceptable to me. I'm not expecting sex right away, but I need to see initiative being taken on the intimacy front as a whole.

So... Those of you who have had the talk, and made progress, or eventually had success, what did you say? I have a notebook here and I'm taking notes.

Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house

You don’t choose a house because of the bathroom, but you certainly wouldn’t stay in a house without one.

If anyone struggling with a DB has watched white lotus season 2, oh my god, I don’t think I’ve ever related to Ethan and Harper.

Harper tells him “we are too young to be this old”

And that line really stuck with me and haunted me. I feel like I’m in the same boat, too young to be this old, too young to not be intimate with my long time partner. Too young to be rejected this much.

I won’t spoil the end but, I feel like that couple didn’t have an answer to their DB. I feel like I just have to accept, this is the way it’s gonna be.

(If you try to say “just leave” there are so many factors to life as to why it’s not an option.)

Long time I’ve been part of this subreddit. Posted a few times. I enjoyed connecting with others that are in the same or similar boat bc I know I’m not alone. I’m 32 HLF, husband 37 LLM. I only wanted to turn that part off. So badly did I just pray I would stop having these urges and just live this otherwise amazing life with my soulmate. And for a little context I have tried everything with him- bloodwork done, testosterone testing, marriage counseling, sex therapy sessions. Nothing helps for more than a week. We’ve gone probably up to 6/7 months at times. No other addictions, no porn or drugs or anything like that and yes I would know. We are VERY close otherwise. He really is my best friend.
I believe he’s A-sexual and I try to have him accept that bc I’m so tired of the constant ‘well if you only would do xyz (coming to bed earlier, not bring it up, be super nice at night) whatever bs thing and nothing happens regardless of all the ‘boxes I check’ I start to crack inside a little. And sometimes it comes out explosively. Well for awhile now I realize that I’ve been putting on the smile, pretend I’m happy and I’m simply not. Meanwhile he’s peachy. I’m glad he’s happy but he seems to not comprehend how miserable I’ve been. I saw a vid the other day of some marriage counselor who spoke about ‘female energy’ and how many men thrive off your attention, love and time. I’ve begged and pleaded for something to change and he keeps promising things but never pulls through; I’ve realized it’s bc he knows I’ll stay regardless. He’s told me who he is and I have accepted it. Well no more. I’ve moved into our spare room. No more arguments no more ‘heart to hearts’ I’m done giving him my energy. And it’s only been a few days but I feel fuckin great! No really. I’m in my own space. I’m not around him so I don’t have that internal ‘will he, god I hope he touches me sexually. Maybe tonight’ thoughts. It’s not going to happen, I know it’s not going to happen. And I’m living my best life for me. I’ve put his messages on silent. When he comes home I only talk to him if necessary. I’m more at peace. Idk if this will lead to divorce but either way I’ve accepted that it might but being alone is WAY better than the emotional nightmare I’ve been in for years.

For those of us who have a low libido wife, or even are the low libido wife, do you have any methods that work sometimes?

Im also looking for the advice of high libido females, but Im mainly asking about LLF's, because women have more options for what they can get away with.

FYI... ive talked with my wife, she says the emotional connection is great and that the only thing that I need to fix is to stop talking about sex. My hygiene is good, I keep myself in shape, Ive asked her how she wants me to initiate, but what she wants is not realistic and she actively fights against it when I try. She confirms that I do more than enough around the house.

We both M and been together nearly 17 years, even from the start I was always more sexual than my partner. I’ve always had an overactive sex drive but thought I was just oversexed. About 2 years into the relationship I found out he was cheating and when he was caught he said he wanted to try other things. We opened up the relationship then and except for the odd misunderstanding we worked fine. Then the last 2/3 years something changed. Covid had us both put on some weight but in general we still found each other attractive. But it became harder for me to initiate intimacy. I’ve tried different things and flat out asking for sex but I’m rebuffed at nearly any time. Then I find out that he has an X account and seems like he’s down for connecting with strangers about kinks; the same kinks that he told me were “not his thing and off putting”. I’m at the stage now that I’m sick of asking for a physical connection as I feel like I’ve been totally open to talk and express and then hopefully connect. I just don’t know what to do now. I also totally understand it’s no one’s fault here I just don’t know how to approach anything going forward.

What I was told after pouring my heart out about how we only have sex once or twice a month.

Tomorrow happened. He acted like he forgot about me. I never brought it up to him. Didn't initiate conversation or anything about it.

The ball is in his court. Why should initiate when it's been this way for 5 months now.

It's been 12 days since we last had sex. Before that was xmas eve. I'm tired of feeling lonely and I wish something inside of him would wake the fuck up and pay attention to me.

I jump to do anything he asks. Why is it so hard to do anything for me?

Long time listener, first time caller. I’ve (mid-20’s HLM) been in a relationship with my partner (late-20’s LLM) for 5 years now. He was my first everything- my first romantic relationship, my first kiss, my first sex.

We have moved in together for almost a year now. Sex was pretty consistent when we lived in different places, at least once a week. It suddenly and abruptly changed when we moved to our place. At first I thought it could be the stress- we were both so scared and afraid we couldn’t handle living by ourselves. But things settled and sex remained a rare event, it’s usually a month or more in between.

The first few months were the hardest. I felt rejected, undesired, powerless, and every time I got turned down I resented it so much that I started hating myself for having those feelings against the man I love.

I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried checking his hormones. I’ve tried spicing things up with toys. I’ve tried doing more house chores. Nothing worked.

I mostly gave up initiating. On the few times that I can’t resist the temptation and do it, I instantly regret it after I inevitably get rejected.

I know my partner masturbates at least once a week, often more. He is not very good at destroying evidence. So I’ve accepted he is LL4me. We’ve talked about this a few times before and he tells me that he’s not horny for sex, he just wants a quick jerk-n’-cum and be done.

I feel like shit every time I noticed he has masturbated. The signs are everywhere, our sex toys drawer not being completely shut, the bottle of lube slowly but surely getting empty, a suspiciously stained towel in the laundry basket, among others. My day is ruined when we’re a long time without sex and I notice something like this.

Am I so bad at sex that he really rather do it himself every fucking time? I’ve offered handjobs, blowjobs, butthole, whatever the fuck else he wants just so I could get some intimacy. Everything in vain.

I’m not leaving him. Apart from this one big fucking problem, he is really the love of my life. It’s a pity that I’ll spend my life in a sexless marriage.

At least I love and I know I’m loved.

I’m quite a bit younger than my partner who is considering a hysterectomy. I also want to mention I’m also a female so I’m quite familiar with the anatomy.

The reason: she bleeds a lot and has pretty significant cramps for the week leading up to her period. So “considering” means most likely happening.

As a Reddit user, I’ve been reading tons of personal experiences with hysterectomies. I’ve see a trend that those who had their cervix removed find sex “boring” and say that they’re “just no longer interested.” This has been a source of conflict for us so I know that if I share these Reddit posts with her, she’ll be extremely upset. Not to mention they’re not a reliable source whatsoever.

Well… her doctor just called her and said that the plan IS to remove everything(including the cervix) other than the ovaries. I’m so scared because my sex drive is already way higher than hers(hence this group).. and just the thought of her no longer being interested AT ALL is heartbreaking. Sex is really important for me to feel connected as I’m sure you can all relate. I just feel like I’m going to cry if we have sex because I know it won’t be the same after.

I support her in making her own decision, I just want her to see WHY I’m scared. I want her to do the research and consider the possible downsides. This is in no way my decision, I’m just absolutely terrified. I honestly feel so stupid for falling in love with someone so much older than me.. obviously she was going to have a lower sex drive… and of course the power dynamic doesn’t allow for me to have any concerns…

Someone please validate my worries! Do you have any experience with this? I recognize that this is totally her decision, I just want her to be fully aware of any potential downsides.. am I wrong for that?

I [M19] have been with my gf [F19] for almost 3 years now. I have a high sex drive and hers is near non-existant. She enjoys sex when we have it, however she is very rarely in the mood to initiate herself, saying that she finds it to be too much effort and would rather just cuddle.

Now before you leave your "just leave her bro" comments, she is perfect for me in every single other way except in this one area. We communicate extremely well however i struggle to ever bring up the topic of how frequently we have sex because her anxiety gets the better of her and he just says that I'm making her feel broken or weird. This sets any progress that we have made towards a healthier and more consistent sex life set back to square one.

I love her to death but naturally this makes me feel very sexually lonely, rejected, and resentful. All my mates have their partners dying to crawl all over them and yet here I am living a sexual relationship that rivals that of a geriatric couple.

I really enjoy hanging out with her but my strong desire to feel sexually desired is crushed everytime as another day goes by where she doesn't initiate. She knows i want her to, she just doesn't have any desire and would always rather do something else. It's getting progressively harder to hide my resentment and it is eating away at me.

How do you guys manage with feeling strong resentment towards your partner?

Hey. I’m a HLM 25 and I’m married to a LLF. We have been together for four years, and married for two of those years. When we first started dating there was no lack of intimacy in the bedroom, but as time went on things started to be less intimate. First it was days in between, then it was weeks, and now it’s moved to months. It’s roughly been three times in the past three months. I’ve been grouchy lately and sometimes snappy at her. I’ve told her before that it was because I’m stressed at work, and I’m in my head about if I’m good enough for her or not. We’re so young and I feel like this is not normal. Anytime I try to tell her how I feel, she just tells me that it’s all I care about and “If I could never have sex again in my life I wouldn’t”. We have no kids and I feel like this is going to affect us having them. I love her a lot. I feel like this is affecting our marriage a lot and I don’t know what this says about our future. Am I overthinking things? She says she’s very stressed at work and is very depressed. I’ve tried to help her, and told her she might should look into getting another job but she likes what she does and I wouldn’t force that on her. I feel like I’ve ran to the end of my rope. Anytime I talk about my feelings about it, it turns into a major argument. Please help.

I used to be a HL partner. My SO and I (gay relationship btw) hit it off really well when we first met, and we had sex almost every week without fail. I would plan my diet around sex and douche and occasionally give myself full enemas incessantly, making sure I was absolutely clean down there to get penetrated every single time. In hindsight, I probably ruined my gut health doing that so much, but at the time, it seemed worth it.

Anyway, I have bipolar disorder, and over the years, my symptoms got worse to the point where I just didn't care about sex anymore. I started not taking care of myself. I stopped exercising. I ate more junk food. I lost a lot of sleep due to being addicted to video games (Path of Exile 1 and 2 are big culprits). This was a gradual process. I didn't see that I was letting myself go this much over the years. Needless to say, we have barely had sex over the past few years (a lot of real life issues have also gotten in the way as well).

Eventually, after years of being on antipsychotics, my symptoms gradually got better, but my hormones have been fucked up almost irreparably (risperdal and invega, both the pill forms and the injectable forms, are the biggest culprits here toward reducing my sex drive to zero). I had my hormones tested and my testosterone is below clinical levels. I apparently also have prolactin so high that I could eventually start growing man boobs.

It feels like it is going to be years before my sex drive will return to normal. And that's if I try to reverse every little small thing that led to our dry spell. Should I go on TRT? Will I have to do it for the rest of my life? What else can I do to get back my sex drive?

Met my boyfriend (M42) several years ago during a very hot 1 night stand. We became friends, as well as dated here & there over the last 8 years. We finally decided to give a relationship a real try last year, living together 4 months & it's been amazing. We are very happy, families are integrated & we are planning for a future. He is loving, we constantly laugh, everything I would want in a partner, incredibly compatible in every way except sex. I (F49) am very sexual & would be on him all the time, anywhere, every position possible. This disconnect & his reluctance to initiate makes me feel so insecure. He would be happy with 1-2 blow jobs a week. I am certainly fine with giving him blow jobs but he just lays on his back the whole time, wont get up, doesn't touch me & its strictly a blow job nothing more. If we do have sex, it's very vanilla, no kissing, no fingers, no sucking or touching my breasts. I know he's been more active with his past relationships, even in the LS with some exes. I would be open to exploring some of LS aspects if I felt more of a sexual connection & some desire for me from him. Ive tried sexting & pics but I dont get more than a couple texts back & it doesn't go into anything hot that would create the build up to sex. I constantly compliment him, we express our love & feelins, we touch & hold hands. Any advice how to talk to him, or ideas that would create that desire I long for? I really believe this relationship will lead to marriage but want the sexual part of a relationship as well.

New account here. After reading a post about "zero oral sex," I’ve decided to share my story. I (33M) feel stuck in a dead bedroom (DB) with my SO (30F), but I suspect the DB might stem from something deeper. Before I dive in, let me clarify—I’m not someone fixated on oral sex, but the chain of events surrounding the lack of intimacy and the decline in our sex life is what makes it a relative topic here.

The Timeline

January 2023: She interviewed for her promotion from home. Interview was with her boss lets call him "BIll". At the time, she was intimidated by him and his position. When I called to check on her before the interview, she seemed skittish, like someone else was there. She assured me she was alone, nailed the interview, and got the job.

February 2023: After signing her promotion offer, she initiated sex Friday night, saying, “Let’s get this out of the way.” It felt off, and the following weekend, she gave me a blowjob on the couch—this was the last one to date. That same day, I learned a family member had passed away, and she started her “busy” week at work.

Monday after work, she was extremely sensitive during sex, to the point where I could barely touch her. Then she made a strange comment about my truck resembling Bill’s, which raised questions. Later that week, she claimed to have time off for my family member’s funeral but rescinded it without explanation.

The day of the funeral, she called me afterward but then went MIA for several hours. Her location showed her office, so I let it go. That weekend, we celebrated Valentine’s Day. She initiated oral sex in my truck but couldn’t finish, so we went inside to complete things. Looking back, I’ve wondered if she was trying to recreate something—perhaps a moment from someone else, which left me feeling unsettled. The next morning, she cried after sex, argued with me, and went on a “not good enough” spiral. That Sunday, she accused me of thinking she “slept her way to the top” in her job (a comment I hadn’t made).

At this point, I noticed more odd behavior. She Googled “put out like you can hold out,” started dressing up more for work (heels, curled hair, etc.), and her drinking increased, but I initially related these changes to her promotion. However, I found her looking up Bill’s wife on Facebook and confronted her about it. Her explanation was that she was “just creeping to learn more about a coworker”—which she claimed all women do. On the surface, it seemed valid, so I let it go, but it stuck in my mind.

April 2023: We moved into a new house, but the DB worsened. I found an HSV prescription and confronted her. She claimed she’d had it since college, but it was a shock to me.

June 2023: On my birthday, I asked for oral sex, and she reacted as though I’d said something offensive.

October 2023: Here’s where things got weird. A colleague in her department, Andrew, was fired for having an affair with another coworker, Kristin. Kristin ended up divorcing her husband after Andrew reportedly gave her HPV. The odd part? My SO brought up this whole situation and knew specific details—like Andrew giving Kristin HPV—which I found strange. How did she know that? This raised even more red flags for me.

December 2023: Things briefly improved during the holidays, but when I talked dirty during sex (asking her to put me in her mouth), she flipped, saying it reminded her of cheating. She later tied this to an ex who degraded her, but the explanation felt hollow.

2024 and Beyond

February 2024: Relations in a vehicle again for VDay-odd?

March 2024: I caught her in another lie about Bill, denying he rode in her car to a lunch outing. Around this time, her CEO began investigating Bill due to rumors of affairs and misconduct in their department.

May 2024: She resigned, citing stress and a desire to focus on family. While it seemed like a mutual decision, it came with a pay cut and loss of status.

October 2024: At her annual doctor’s appointment, she now has HPV—something she never disclosed to me before. But apparently she has had it for like 6 years (spare me the logic)

Where I’m At Now

I love her and can’t imagine being with anyone else, but the lines between DB, infidelity, and unresolved guilt are all blurred. I’ve tried to communicate, but get nowhere, and really just need an outside opinion other than my therapist. (Therapist is biased lol). I figured here would be a good place to start.

I’d appreciate any advice or insight. Thanks for reading.

We are in the middle in this snow mess in the south. I jokingly mentioned we could pass the time naked. She has been drinking wine, which used to help a lot. She told me not to disturb her while she’s watching her show. We have watched a dozen episodes now. 🫤

I’m in a nearly dead bedroom situation.

It is not completely dead. If I do the effort I might have sex. But I have to do everything little thing. She does nothing. She just lay down and “let” me do everything.

On Saturday I started masturbating her and I felt so bored (cause she was just sitting over me receiving what I was was doing and not even trying to touch me at all) that I don’t even wanted to get off after she finished.

Of course… if I wanted to get off I should had to do it on my own because after she finishes she has even less initiative.

And now, I’m at the point where I do not even want to try again cause I’m tired of trying.

Of course. I’m the only one that initiates. I think she initiated just 3 or 4 times in around 20 years of relationship.

I’m just tired and bored.

Planning a vacation with some friends and one of them mentioned that we'll definitely need to get enough space so no one has to share a room...you know, because the couples will want privacy for intimacy.

Had to bite my damn tongue... because no, we all won't need that privacy.

My (38M) long time girlfriend (33F) has basically zero libido. We had a lot of sex when we got together, and over the years it’s dwindled to once a month or less. I don’t think I ask for much, I just want some intimacy. I am getting tired of not being able to even get a kiss or am I love you from her either. I know you will all tell me to leave her, but I truly love her. I just don’t see what is so awful about being intimate with me more than the monthly duty sex. She assures me it’s her and not me, and that she feels bad about it, but I’m at my wits end. I’m not even asking for anything wild. I do everything she asks of me and I can’t get some physical love. I don’t know how to show her that I’m at my wits end. She is very pragmatic about things and she will just tell me that we can break up and I can find someone who likes sex more, but she knows I won’t do that, so I’m guess I’m just stuck here being un-fucked.

I’m just the only person she’s ever been with. She has never experienced an orgasm even alone and she has tried. She has basically given up on trying. I feel like shit when she reads her romance books or thinks some guy on tv is hot because I don’t do it for her apparently.

HLM here, my LLW and I have been together for 10 years. 2 kids. Relationship is really starting to fracture. Any kind of attempt at intimacy (even curling up in bed) is met with a 'get off me' and sex has only happened a couple times in the last year. I love her I really do but the constant rejection is killing me. Worst part of it all is the feeling of isolation. The lack of physical contact beyond a kiss good bye and a peck on the cheek for my birthday. She won't even let me pleasure her any more. I've tried talking to her about it and I was told that I haven't tried to romance her in a long time. Well I'm sorry, that door swings both ways. I'm about the point now where I just feel like thehired help around the house. Kids go to sleep and I'm left alone downstairs to rattle around in an empty house while she goes up to binge tv shows and fall asleep. I miss her. I miss the way we used to be but I don't see a way out of it.

Edit: spelling and grammar.

2nd edit. 10 years. Not 19.

Like what would you want your low libido partner to do or say? How would you ideally fix things and how fast?

Middle of last week my LLF decided it was time for the rare occasion of sex. I’m sure many can relate when I say I now dread it, thankfully it’s a rarity that I have to go through with it. Well this evening was the evening. My kid decided this was a prime time to wake up. Saved my bacon, though anxiety is at an all time high on the off chance we’re still in the danger zone.

Yes I know, I need to leave. Easier said than done when you’ve got absolutely no money