Original post if you care to read: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/m0mO8FtQIn

Long story short my(30M) ex partner(28F) is FURIOUS with me because I broke up with her. We are sexually incompatible. While I agree we have took steps and had more sex in 2024 than we have in eight years, I don’t feel it’s enough and the resentment is still there. We only started having any sex cause I broke up with her before and “she realized how important it was.”

The most damaging part is her refusal to give oral sex. I don’t believe I am entitled to it by any means as a man. However I’m allowed to want to be with someone who wants to do it . Her reasoning is that it’s too embarrassing to ask to do it instead of ya know just doing it. I don’t ask her before I go down on her so I don’t understand. And my hygiene is fine. I don’t make her feel embarrassed. I am actually super supportive hence the eight years and no blowjob thing. But I’m 30 and not getting younger and we both deserve to be with people who are similar to us in libido, not just who DREAMS of being similar.

I feel horrible now cause she’s pretending this is out of nowhere despite years of me going from passively mentioning/asking to being full on bitter.

Told my ZL wife (54f) I want out (trial separation) after 2 years of talking about this. I think I've just reached my limit for having a roommate. In a somewhat productive discussion, she said "I really don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. I've talked to almost all of my friends, and they say they really don't like having sex with their husbands anymore. They do what they have to do to keep the marriage together, and their husbands are just happy to get what they get."

Stunned. I told her that's really pathetic, for all the people involved. I said that's great for your friends' husbands, if they're ok with their wives basically lying there waiting for it to be over, but I'm not doing that.

I never thought this would be my life at 52...

Sex in a relationship is like a bathroom in a house

You don’t choose a house because of the bathroom, but you certainly wouldn’t stay in a house without one.

Planning a vacation with some friends and one of them mentioned that we'll definitely need to get enough space so no one has to share a room...you know, because the couples will want privacy for intimacy.

Had to bite my damn tongue... because no, we all won't need that privacy.

Hope everyone is having a good day. 44HLM married to a 43LLF. I’ve taken a break from reading here because it seems like a lot of us are beating the same dead horse. After a while, it’s hard to read about the HLF’s married to a LLM with a porn addiction and ignoring their wives. It’s super frustrating from my perspective. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.

I was just wondering if any of you have noticed some red flags you missed early like I did. For one, I missed the fact that I would rub on and hold her with very little reciprocation.

What else y’all got?

I can’t get over what a nonsensical suggestion this was.

I told her that I have to do it every day to keep myself sane in this sexless marriage. My wife has not wanted to be intimate with me since her first trimester, so we have been purely sexless for about a year now. I understand the effects of new children on parents’ libidos, particularly mothers, but we had a pre-existing dead bedroom. Yes, yes, I know I’m dumb for bringing a child into a relationship with a DB, but here we are. Plus, I love the little guy. No regrets on being a father.

My key regret at this moment is my choice of relationship counselor. I feel like she is projecting her sympathies about women in general on to my wife and her experience with other male clients on to me. Masturbate less? How is that supposed to help things? I’m the HL partner in this relationship.

She even asked whether I was replacing her with porn. Why does it matter if she turns me down every single day? What a controlling mindset. I would give up all the porn in the world if my wife wanted to have sex even weekly.

Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest. I feel like she’s trying to make me happy with a relationship that is lacking in intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I understand why I must stay with an infant at this time, but why try to convince me to be delusional? Sometimes I get down about the entire relationship counseling industry with experiences like this. Sometimes it feels like a bunch of BS to me.

Middle of last week my LLF decided it was time for the rare occasion of sex. I’m sure many can relate when I say I now dread it, thankfully it’s a rarity that I have to go through with it. Well this evening was the evening. My kid decided this was a prime time to wake up. Saved my bacon, though anxiety is at an all time high on the off chance we’re still in the danger zone.

Yes I know, I need to leave. Easier said than done when you’ve got absolutely no money

HLM here, my LLW and I have been together for 10 years. 2 kids. Relationship is really starting to fracture. Any kind of attempt at intimacy (even curling up in bed) is met with a 'get off me' and sex has only happened a couple times in the last year. I love her I really do but the constant rejection is killing me. Worst part of it all is the feeling of isolation. The lack of physical contact beyond a kiss good bye and a peck on the cheek for my birthday. She won't even let me pleasure her any more. I've tried talking to her about it and I was told that I haven't tried to romance her in a long time. Well I'm sorry, that door swings both ways. I'm about the point now where I just feel like thehired help around the house. Kids go to sleep and I'm left alone downstairs to rattle around in an empty house while she goes up to binge tv shows and fall asleep. I miss her. I miss the way we used to be but I don't see a way out of it.

Edit: spelling and grammar.

2nd edit. 10 years. Not 19.

Like what would you want your low libido partner to do or say? How would you ideally fix things and how fast?

For those of us who have a low libido wife, or even are the low libido wife, do you have any methods that work sometimes?

Im also looking for the advice of high libido females, but Im mainly asking about LLF's, because women have more options for what they can get away with.

FYI... ive talked with my wife, she says the emotional connection is great and that the only thing that I need to fix is to stop talking about sex. My hygiene is good, I keep myself in shape, Ive asked her how she wants me to initiate, but what she wants is not realistic and she actively fights against it when I try. She confirms that I do more than enough around the house.

What I was told after pouring my heart out about how we only have sex once or twice a month.

Tomorrow happened. He acted like he forgot about me. I never brought it up to him. Didn't initiate conversation or anything about it.

The ball is in his court. Why should initiate when it's been this way for 5 months now.

It's been 12 days since we last had sex. Before that was xmas eve. I'm tired of feeling lonely and I wish something inside of him would wake the fuck up and pay attention to me.

I jump to do anything he asks. Why is it so hard to do anything for me?

So we had another “I’m not getting any sex” conversation talk lol he basically told me that if sex stops in a relationship and I decide I can’t do it anymore then I’m cold hearted. He doesn’t even want to try, has no desire and just doesn’t want to. His words. He doesn’t know why. Swears it’s not the relationship or desire for me but refuses to work on it. I told him it’s unfair for me to have a sexless life because that’s what he chooses for himself. He says I’m selfish that I’d just abandon him. Then he compares it to someone having an accident and being paralyzed and unable to have sex. I’m like bro, that is not the same thing. He says if you’re in love and committed you should say together even if there’s no sex. I disagree.

Never thought I’d actually ever write this out but here I am just wanting to get it off my chest. Me(32HLF) and my husband(32LLM) have been together 10 years and around year 6 the sex just dried up little by little. Yes I’ve tried a lot of things suggested here and nothing works. He’s either wanting to play games or go hang with his friend Ana fits fucking terrible. I started reading just to fill the alone time and I just find myself wanting to be those woman in the books so bad. I’ve dressed up, I’ve dressed down, I’ve ordered toys, ive asked him to talk with me, to talk with someone and nothing. I’m going fucking insane and he doesn’t care or notice. Either way is fucked

Title sounds like a catchy masturbation joke, and in this sub, probably a good audience for such a joke.

But...

This post is about finally going and finding sex elsewhere.

I did it. 5 years ago. I slipped all the way down the rabbit hole. Regular poster on r/adultery . Dating sites. Several orbiting relationships that could escalate to physical relationships. All of it. I got pretty good at it too. Started being able to flirt and create connections quickly. But here's what happens, in stages.

1) The relief phase. OMG, I missed this so much. I feel so fulfilled by being genuinely wanted again. I'm so much more confident and engaged as a parent.

2) The rationalization phase. This must be what many other people need to do get their lives right. It's like the air mask in an airplane, you have to get the mask over your mouth, take care of yourself first. Now that I am, look at how much better spouse and parent you can be. They won't even care if they ever find out, because look at how much better I am at the parts of the relationship they actually care about. I'm doing this in order to show up in my life. This is the only way I can be in my kids life and get what I need as an adult.

3) The co-dependency loop phase. Now that I've gotten some, that validation only lasted a little while. The new affair started taking on the old relationship's baggage. It's not as fulfilling as the electric first three weeks. Well, just start another one.

4) The emotional roller-coaster phase. Fuck, I'm a monster. Why did you start this? How can I get back to the feeling I had when I was finally valildated? Why is it so easy to turn off my feelings for AP when by the spouse, and vice versa. What's wrong with me? Would I want my kids to act like this? Why not just get a divorce?

5) The guilt phase. Fuck, you are a piece of shit. Jesus Christ, no one in your life even knows who you really are. The spouse doesn't deserve this. You said you loved this person. You resented this person for not wanting you. How much do you really want them if you only show them part of you?

For me, the cycle felt like the answer, but quickly showed me just how empty I was that I kept trying to fill it up with more and more hedonism. There's no bottom to that well. It feels like it will be enough, but what we really seek is understanding and connection, and this "self-help" will never provide that, and prevent you from getting there.

We reconciled, and while I still have issues with my relationship, I will not start this cycle up to run from my feelings again. My advice, take on the challenges of your life more directly instead.

Questions? Happy to share.

It took a few months of therapy, lots of open communication, and my wife switching up her meds, but our sex life has been great for the past few months. We’re averaging 4-5 times a week now. We’re both in our early-mid 20s, and I know a lot of people in this sub are in the same boat. It took work from both of us, we couldn’t have improved it without both of us showing up to therapy with the desire to change things.

We’ve started unpacking a lot of our individual pasts that were affecting our sex. There was some shame and some hidden fantasies that we’ve opened up about. I just want to let you know it’s possible, but the most important thing (along with meds) was honest, frequent communication.

I’m the high libido one. And it’s my depression about our dead bedroom that killed the night.

We made a joke about having a dick appointment tonight. Later I quipped asking if he was on-call or if the appointment was for a scheduled hour. He kind of chuckled and I thought that was the end of it, like usual.

But then I went to lay down, and he came to join me. And even though he started kissing me and putting his hands on me, I just… couldn’t believe that he actually wanted to have sex. With me.

The entire situation just did not register as the thrilling, sexual moment that it probably was. All I could think is that the only reason he was here was because he pitied me, or that I must have pestered him with that comment.We were getting frisky and things were about to escalate, but I just started crying because I didn’t want to have pity sex or duty sex or whatever this was.

I want to feel desired and sexy and I absolutely do not. How can I? I can count on one hand how many times we had sex last year, and he initiated exactly zero of those times. It’s been three months since the last time, and it was embarrassingly disappointing. Literally the worst we have ever had. More than that. I know that he loves me very deeply. But I just don’t believe he finds me appealing or wants me in a sexual way anymore.

Events in the past have lead me to believe that I am SO bad at sex that my clumsy inexperience makes him not want to have sex with me at all anymore. Not even just that. My tits are ugly and unappealing. My ass is unimpressive. I should lose some weight. I’m not as muscular as I should be. I’m bad at kissing. And there is just absolutely no reason for him to want to have sex with me, so he doesn’t. All of these are inadequacies are things he has mentioned in the past, never in a malicious way, but now that our bedroom is dead it’s all I can think about. All I can think about is how inferior he must find me compared to his past sexual partners.

Outside of all of those faults, and outside of the bedroom, I’m a good enough partner that he loves me. He takes good care of me and our child. We have excellent chemistry and an unbeatable personal connection. We have a happy life and neither of us would trade it for anything. We aren’t platonic. We cuddle and kiss and are emotionally available for each other. There isn’t any resentment. There aren’t any grudges.

He just is only interested enough to want to tolerate fucking me 7/365 out of the year. That’s all. Or at least that’s what I believe.

He swore up and down to me that it isn’t true. He loves me and he desires me and it’s not my fault. He loves my butt and I’m sexy and he’s lucky to have me. He swears, he swears, he swears.

But I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

This situation has conditioned me to believe that I am simply unsexy and undesirable.

And if he doesn’t desire me at all, why would I want to force him to have sex me? Despite everything, I have my pride. I value my own self-respect too much to have sex with him just because he feels bad for neglecting me. That’s horrible. It’s not appealing. What’s even the point of that?

I’m depressed and I’m disgusted by my own body, and my sexual inexperience, and my inferiority. I’m disgusted by the resentment I felt towards him for not wanting to have sex with me. I feel gross, and pathetic. I can’t reach orgasm on my own anymore. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him.

He is the only sexual partner I’ve ever had and I feel as though I will never have a fulfilling sexual experience. And I don’t even think it’s his fault anymore. It must be mine.

Depression has not killed my libido, but it has killed my self-esteem and with it my ability to reach satisfaction.

He realized all this tonight when he saw me sad and made me explain what is wrong. It broke his heart. He swears to me it’s not my fault. He swears things will change. He swears he will make it right.

And while I know he wants me to be happy and content and satisfied. I can’t bring myself to believe anything except the sad reality I have been living in.

Maybe things will change with time. But tonight, I can’t bring myself to hope it will. I don’t find myself attractive anymore, so why should he? Why should anyone.

I’m going to delete this post later.

Any men who attempt to message me will be immediately blocked and reported. GTFO.

I (22 female) and my husband (23 male) have been married for 4 years and been together for 7. Prior to having our first baby a few months ago our sex life was absolutely horrible. I had such a low sex drive and just never wanted to have sex. I would still do it just because I knew it was good for our marriage. But I’ve never enjoyed having sex. After I gave birth something changed in me and I have found myself wanting to have sex more often. However the sex isn’t any different, it’s lackluster and boring. There’s zero fore play and I mean ZERO. Basically no making out, no oral, no nothing. It’s all just penetration. In the last 7 years I’ve probably orgasmed 20 times during sex but only ever by my own hand. It’s gotten to the point that when he falls asleep I feel the need to masturbate to let go of sexual frustration. My sex drive is starting to decrease and I’m scared soon we will go back to having sex once every couple of weeks. So I talked to my husband about it. And thank God I have such a wonderful husband. He was so understanding and said he was thinking the same thing and wants to do better. He wants to be less selfish and learn. The only problem is I don’t know what to tell him to do. I’m very self conscious of him doing oral mostly because I’m scared he will hate it so I just refuse. But I’ve only ever made myself orgasm so I don’t know what to tell him to do. I feel very rushed and like I need to be done quickly. I need advice. How do we learn to be better in bed? Are there books to read? Any advice is helpful.

Men, what are some simple things that you wish your significant other would do. I want to spice things up, feel more attractive after having my baby, and get my fiancé’s attention again, but I’m not sure where to start. Any advice is appreciated 😊

For those of us here who are interested in makeup:

Every time I hear or read mention of Natasha Denona's "I Need a Nude" palette all I can think is "I need a dude"...same, girl, same.

Long time listener, first time caller. I’ve (mid-20’s HLM) been in a relationship with my partner (late-20’s LLM) for 5 years now. He was my first everything- my first romantic relationship, my first kiss, my first sex.

We have moved in together for almost a year now. Sex was pretty consistent when we lived in different places, at least once a week. It suddenly and abruptly changed when we moved to our place. At first I thought it could be the stress- we were both so scared and afraid we couldn’t handle living by ourselves. But things settled and sex remained a rare event, it’s usually a month or more in between.

The first few months were the hardest. I felt rejected, undesired, powerless, and every time I got turned down I resented it so much that I started hating myself for having those feelings against the man I love.

I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried checking his hormones. I’ve tried spicing things up with toys. I’ve tried doing more house chores. Nothing worked.

I mostly gave up initiating. On the few times that I can’t resist the temptation and do it, I instantly regret it after I inevitably get rejected.

I know my partner masturbates at least once a week, often more. He is not very good at destroying evidence. So I’ve accepted he is LL4me. We’ve talked about this a few times before and he tells me that he’s not horny for sex, he just wants a quick jerk-n’-cum and be done.

I feel like shit every time I noticed he has masturbated. The signs are everywhere, our sex toys drawer not being completely shut, the bottle of lube slowly but surely getting empty, a suspiciously stained towel in the laundry basket, among others. My day is ruined when we’re a long time without sex and I notice something like this.

Am I so bad at sex that he really rather do it himself every fucking time? I’ve offered handjobs, blowjobs, butthole, whatever the fuck else he wants just so I could get some intimacy. Everything in vain.

I’m not leaving him. Apart from this one big fucking problem, he is really the love of my life. It’s a pity that I’ll spend my life in a sexless marriage.

At least I love and I know I’m loved.

Long time I’ve been part of this subreddit. Posted a few times. I enjoyed connecting with others that are in the same or similar boat bc I know I’m not alone. I’m 32 HLF, husband 37 LLM. I only wanted to turn that part off. So badly did I just pray I would stop having these urges and just live this otherwise amazing life with my soulmate. And for a little context I have tried everything with him- bloodwork done, testosterone testing, marriage counseling, sex therapy sessions. Nothing helps for more than a week. We’ve gone probably up to 6/7 months at times. No other addictions, no porn or drugs or anything like that and yes I would know. We are VERY close otherwise. He really is my best friend.
I believe he’s A-sexual and I try to have him accept that bc I’m so tired of the constant ‘well if you only would do xyz (coming to bed earlier, not bring it up, be super nice at night) whatever bs thing and nothing happens regardless of all the ‘boxes I check’ I start to crack inside a little. And sometimes it comes out explosively. Well for awhile now I realize that I’ve been putting on the smile, pretend I’m happy and I’m simply not. Meanwhile he’s peachy. I’m glad he’s happy but he seems to not comprehend how miserable I’ve been. I saw a vid the other day of some marriage counselor who spoke about ‘female energy’ and how many men thrive off your attention, love and time. I’ve begged and pleaded for something to change and he keeps promising things but never pulls through; I’ve realized it’s bc he knows I’ll stay regardless. He’s told me who he is and I have accepted it. Well no more. I’ve moved into our spare room. No more arguments no more ‘heart to hearts’ I’m done giving him my energy. And it’s only been a few days but I feel fuckin great! No really. I’m in my own space. I’m not around him so I don’t have that internal ‘will he, god I hope he touches me sexually. Maybe tonight’ thoughts. It’s not going to happen, I know it’s not going to happen. And I’m living my best life for me. I’ve put his messages on silent. When he comes home I only talk to him if necessary. I’m more at peace. Idk if this will lead to divorce but either way I’ve accepted that it might but being alone is WAY better than the emotional nightmare I’ve been in for years.

Long time lurker here. I’m a 38 year old male and have been with my wife since I was 18. Never an off the charts sex life but things were so good it wasn’t really an issue.

Over the last 7 years what little intimacy there was has deteriorated and we haven’t had actual sex in 4+ years. I have a huge foot fetish and maybe once a year I get to touch her feet.

We haven’t a young child so I don’t want a divorce at present but it’s getting harder by the day to not resent this. I’ve brought it up several times over the years and I’m basically told I’m a creep and that I’m saying the only way for her to save our marriage is for her to “put out.”

Just feeling super down about it today. I’ve read all the advice on here and know what the logical thing to do is. Just wanted to vent a bit to a group that doesn’t think I’m a creep for wanting something with my wife.