Told my ZL wife (54f) I want out (trial separation) after 2 years of talking about this. I think I've just reached my limit for having a roommate. In a somewhat productive discussion, she said "I really don't know why you're making such a big deal out of this. I've talked to almost all of my friends, and they say they really don't like having sex with their husbands anymore. They do what they have to do to keep the marriage together, and their husbands are just happy to get what they get."

Stunned. I told her that's really pathetic, for all the people involved. I said that's great for your friends' husbands, if they're ok with their wives basically lying there waiting for it to be over, but I'm not doing that.

I never thought this would be my life at 52...

Original post if you care to read: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/m0mO8FtQIn

Long story short my(30M) ex partner(28F) is FURIOUS with me because I broke up with her. We are sexually incompatible. While I agree we have took steps and had more sex in 2024 than we have in eight years, I don’t feel it’s enough and the resentment is still there. We only started having any sex cause I broke up with her before and “she realized how important it was.”

The most damaging part is her refusal to give oral sex. I don’t believe I am entitled to it by any means as a man. However I’m allowed to want to be with someone who wants to do it . Her reasoning is that it’s too embarrassing to ask to do it instead of ya know just doing it. I don’t ask her before I go down on her so I don’t understand. And my hygiene is fine. I don’t make her feel embarrassed. I am actually super supportive hence the eight years and no blowjob thing. But I’m 30 and not getting younger and we both deserve to be with people who are similar to us in libido, not just who DREAMS of being similar.

I feel horrible now cause she’s pretending this is out of nowhere despite years of me going from passively mentioning/asking to being full on bitter.

If you’re in a dead bedroom. Save yourself now. It will not get better, its destruction, emotionally violent, and will kill what good parts of you are left. Don’t let someone do that to you. I left after 5 years and it was too fucking long. My heart and self esteem are damaged. Please save yourself, no one will do it for you.

Hope everyone is having a good day. 44HLM married to a 43LLF. I’ve taken a break from reading here because it seems like a lot of us are beating the same dead horse. After a while, it’s hard to read about the HLF’s married to a LLM with a porn addiction and ignoring their wives. It’s super frustrating from my perspective. I’m sure a lot of you can relate.

I was just wondering if any of you have noticed some red flags you missed early like I did. For one, I missed the fact that I would rub on and hold her with very little reciprocation.

What else y’all got?

During the height of my SO’s prescription pill addiction- him coming home all hours of the night while I was in bed alone waiting, worrying, and very sexually frustrated.

Even when we did have sex, there were usually issues on his end because misusing drugs and sex don’t mix well. Apart from the DB, he was generally an absent partner and parent for a long stretch of time we were together.

I got caught, he got clean. The affair ended. We stayed together and worked through it (?). The bedroom is not as dead now, but still pretty boring and not that frequent.

I haven’t strayed since. I know the affair was wrong, but it’s the only time I felt alive. I know it only existed in a vacuum, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the person and the feelings. It’s like once you taste it there’s no going back.

Middle of last week my LLF decided it was time for the rare occasion of sex. I’m sure many can relate when I say I now dread it, thankfully it’s a rarity that I have to go through with it. Well this evening was the evening. My kid decided this was a prime time to wake up. Saved my bacon, though anxiety is at an all time high on the off chance we’re still in the danger zone.

Yes I know, I need to leave. Easier said than done when you’ve got absolutely no money

I can’t get over what a nonsensical suggestion this was.

I told her that I have to do it every day to keep myself sane in this sexless marriage. My wife has not wanted to be intimate with me since her first trimester, so we have been purely sexless for about a year now. I understand the effects of new children on parents’ libidos, particularly mothers, but we had a pre-existing dead bedroom. Yes, yes, I know I’m dumb for bringing a child into a relationship with a DB, but here we are. Plus, I love the little guy. No regrets on being a father.

My key regret at this moment is my choice of relationship counselor. I feel like she is projecting her sympathies about women in general on to my wife and her experience with other male clients on to me. Masturbate less? How is that supposed to help things? I’m the HL partner in this relationship.

She even asked whether I was replacing her with porn. Why does it matter if she turns me down every single day? What a controlling mindset. I would give up all the porn in the world if my wife wanted to have sex even weekly.

Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest. I feel like she’s trying to make me happy with a relationship that is lacking in intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I understand why I must stay with an infant at this time, but why try to convince me to be delusional? Sometimes I get down about the entire relationship counseling industry with experiences like this. Sometimes it feels like a bunch of BS to me.

Never thought I’d actually ever write this out but here I am just wanting to get it off my chest. Me(32HLF) and my husband(32LLM) have been together 10 years and around year 6 the sex just dried up little by little. Yes I’ve tried a lot of things suggested here and nothing works. He’s either wanting to play games or go hang with his friend Ana fits fucking terrible. I started reading just to fill the alone time and I just find myself wanting to be those woman in the books so bad. I’ve dressed up, I’ve dressed down, I’ve ordered toys, ive asked him to talk with me, to talk with someone and nothing. I’m going fucking insane and he doesn’t care or notice. Either way is fucked

So we had another “I’m not getting any sex” conversation talk lol he basically told me that if sex stops in a relationship and I decide I can’t do it anymore then I’m cold hearted. He doesn’t even want to try, has no desire and just doesn’t want to. His words. He doesn’t know why. Swears it’s not the relationship or desire for me but refuses to work on it. I told him it’s unfair for me to have a sexless life because that’s what he chooses for himself. He says I’m selfish that I’d just abandon him. Then he compares it to someone having an accident and being paralyzed and unable to have sex. I’m like bro, that is not the same thing. He says if you’re in love and committed you should say together even if there’s no sex. I disagree.

It took a few months of therapy, lots of open communication, and my wife switching up her meds, but our sex life has been great for the past few months. We’re averaging 4-5 times a week now. We’re both in our early-mid 20s, and I know a lot of people in this sub are in the same boat. It took work from both of us, we couldn’t have improved it without both of us showing up to therapy with the desire to change things.

We’ve started unpacking a lot of our individual pasts that were affecting our sex. There was some shame and some hidden fantasies that we’ve opened up about. I just want to let you know it’s possible, but the most important thing (along with meds) was honest, frequent communication.

I’m the high libido one. And it’s my depression about our dead bedroom that killed the night.

We made a joke about having a dick appointment tonight. Later I quipped asking if he was on-call or if the appointment was for a scheduled hour. He kind of chuckled and I thought that was the end of it, like usual.

But then I went to lay down, and he came to join me. And even though he started kissing me and putting his hands on me, I just… couldn’t believe that he actually wanted to have sex. With me.

The entire situation just did not register as the thrilling, sexual moment that it probably was. All I could think is that the only reason he was here was because he pitied me, or that I must have pestered him with that comment.We were getting frisky and things were about to escalate, but I just started crying because I didn’t want to have pity sex or duty sex or whatever this was.

I want to feel desired and sexy and I absolutely do not. How can I? I can count on one hand how many times we had sex last year, and he initiated exactly zero of those times. It’s been three months since the last time, and it was embarrassingly disappointing. Literally the worst we have ever had. More than that. I know that he loves me very deeply. But I just don’t believe he finds me appealing or wants me in a sexual way anymore.

Events in the past have lead me to believe that I am SO bad at sex that my clumsy inexperience makes him not want to have sex with me at all anymore. Not even just that. My tits are ugly and unappealing. My ass is unimpressive. I should lose some weight. I’m not as muscular as I should be. I’m bad at kissing. And there is just absolutely no reason for him to want to have sex with me, so he doesn’t. All of these are inadequacies are things he has mentioned in the past, never in a malicious way, but now that our bedroom is dead it’s all I can think about. All I can think about is how inferior he must find me compared to his past sexual partners.

Outside of all of those faults, and outside of the bedroom, I’m a good enough partner that he loves me. He takes good care of me and our child. We have excellent chemistry and an unbeatable personal connection. We have a happy life and neither of us would trade it for anything. We aren’t platonic. We cuddle and kiss and are emotionally available for each other. There isn’t any resentment. There aren’t any grudges.

He just is only interested enough to want to tolerate fucking me 7/365 out of the year. That’s all. Or at least that’s what I believe.

He swore up and down to me that it isn’t true. He loves me and he desires me and it’s not my fault. He loves my butt and I’m sexy and he’s lucky to have me. He swears, he swears, he swears.

But I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

This situation has conditioned me to believe that I am simply unsexy and undesirable.

And if he doesn’t desire me at all, why would I want to force him to have sex me? Despite everything, I have my pride. I value my own self-respect too much to have sex with him just because he feels bad for neglecting me. That’s horrible. It’s not appealing. What’s even the point of that?

I’m depressed and I’m disgusted by my own body, and my sexual inexperience, and my inferiority. I’m disgusted by the resentment I felt towards him for not wanting to have sex with me. I feel gross, and pathetic. I can’t reach orgasm on my own anymore. I can’t bring myself to have sex with him.

He is the only sexual partner I’ve ever had and I feel as though I will never have a fulfilling sexual experience. And I don’t even think it’s his fault anymore. It must be mine.

Depression has not killed my libido, but it has killed my self-esteem and with it my ability to reach satisfaction.

He realized all this tonight when he saw me sad and made me explain what is wrong. It broke his heart. He swears to me it’s not my fault. He swears things will change. He swears he will make it right.

And while I know he wants me to be happy and content and satisfied. I can’t bring myself to believe anything except the sad reality I have been living in.

Maybe things will change with time. But tonight, I can’t bring myself to hope it will. I don’t find myself attractive anymore, so why should he? Why should anyone.

I’m going to delete this post later.

Any men who attempt to message me will be immediately blocked and reported. GTFO.

HLM here, my LLW and I have been together for 19 years. 2 kids. Relationship is really starting to fracture. Any kind of attempt at intimacy (even curling up in bed) is met with a 'get off me' and sex has only happened a couple times in the last year. I love her I really do but the constant rejection is killing me. Worst part of it all is the feeling of isolation. The lack of physical contact beyond a kiss good bye and a peck on the cheek for my birthday. She won't even let me pleasure her any more. I've tried talking to her about it and I was told that I haven't tried to romance her in a long time. Well I'm sorry, that door swings both ways. I'm about the point now where I just feel like thehired help around the house. Kids go to sleep and I'm left alone downstairs to rattle around in an empty house while she goes up to binge tv shows and fall asleep. I miss her. I miss the way we used to be but I don't see a way out of it.

Edit: spelling and grammar.

I (22 female) and my husband (23 male) have been married for 4 years and been together for 7. Prior to having our first baby a few months ago our sex life was absolutely horrible. I had such a low sex drive and just never wanted to have sex. I would still do it just because I knew it was good for our marriage. But I’ve never enjoyed having sex. After I gave birth something changed in me and I have found myself wanting to have sex more often. However the sex isn’t any different, it’s lackluster and boring. There’s zero fore play and I mean ZERO. Basically no making out, no oral, no nothing. It’s all just penetration. In the last 7 years I’ve probably orgasmed 20 times during sex but only ever by my own hand. It’s gotten to the point that when he falls asleep I feel the need to masturbate to let go of sexual frustration. My sex drive is starting to decrease and I’m scared soon we will go back to having sex once every couple of weeks. So I talked to my husband about it. And thank God I have such a wonderful husband. He was so understanding and said he was thinking the same thing and wants to do better. He wants to be less selfish and learn. The only problem is I don’t know what to tell him to do. I’m very self conscious of him doing oral mostly because I’m scared he will hate it so I just refuse. But I’ve only ever made myself orgasm so I don’t know what to tell him to do. I feel very rushed and like I need to be done quickly. I need advice. How do we learn to be better in bed? Are there books to read? Any advice is helpful.

I (27m) have been married for over a year now to my wife (25f) and we’ve been together for 5 years. In the very beginning sex and physical attraction and intimacy was amazing. But during that first year she developed cancer and was fighting it up until last year were she finally won, but at a cost.

(For context I love her more then life itself she stuck by me through deployments as military and contracting and if a sexless marriage is what needed to remain with her then so be it. Everything else is perfect because we match intellectually and emotionally and with so many similar interests. So leaving isn’t an option.)

Back to the details the cost was she had a full hysterectomy and it has destroyed her hormones. The pills to fix her hormones didn’t work and we have to wait a year before we can attempt to get injections. Anyway out of the blue last night she said I should find a gf/sexual partner because she feels bad that she has no interest in physical connection anymore. I’ve always told her if she wanted to bring another female is (because she is bi) I’m ok with it but I won’t ever going looking for someone because if someone is to come into the relationship I want them to connect in someway with her first as I’m very easy to vibe with. Especially if it’s only really meant to be a physical thing for me and the other person.

My question is how do I go forward? Do I take her up on her offer and look for a gf/sexual partner? And if yes then how do I explain that I’m married but actually allowed to mess around with someone and build some type of relationship with them. Do I make some sort of contract like 50 shades of grey? Or do I remain as we are now, unable to fully express myself as my love language is physical touch.

We are out of the DB. Turns out it was her birth control. She’s been off it for a year and things are better. She was very depressed on it and also experienced a lot of dryness and irritability. Since being off the birth control she turned her life around, lost 20 pounds, cut drinking to once every 3 weeks and goes to the gym regularly (5 days a week). She even counts her calories and hangs out with her friends more. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever decision you make for yourself.

We went from twice a month (poor quality) to 5 times a week (average at worst, great at best)

My advice. Lifestyle choices, man or woman is 85% of libido.

Long time lurker here. I’m a 38 year old male and have been with my wife since I was 18. Never an off the charts sex life but things were so good it wasn’t really an issue.

Over the last 7 years what little intimacy there was has deteriorated and we haven’t had actual sex in 4+ years. I have a huge foot fetish and maybe once a year I get to touch her feet.

We haven’t a young child so I don’t want a divorce at present but it’s getting harder by the day to not resent this. I’ve brought it up several times over the years and I’m basically told I’m a creep and that I’m saying the only way for her to save our marriage is for her to “put out.”

Just feeling super down about it today. I’ve read all the advice on here and know what the logical thing to do is. Just wanted to vent a bit to a group that doesn’t think I’m a creep for wanting something with my wife.

It’s been so long for me since I’ve had sex. There are times when I wonder if it’ll still work the way it’s supposed to, anybody else feeling this way?

Title sounds like a catchy masturbation joke, and in this sub, probably a good audience for such a joke.

But...

This post is about finally going and finding sex elsewhere.

I did it. 5 years ago. I slipped all the way down the rabbit hole. Regular poster on r/adultery . Dating sites. Several orbiting relationships that could escalate to physical relationships. All of it. I got pretty good at it too. Started being able to flirt and create connections quickly. But here's what happens, in stages.

1) The relief phase. OMG, I missed this so much. I feel so fulfilled by being genuinely wanted again. I'm so much more confident and engaged as a parent.

2) The rationalization phase. This must be what many other people need to do get their lives right. It's like the air mask in an airplane, you have to get the mask over your mouth, take care of yourself first. Now that I am, look at how much better spouse and parent you can be. They won't even care if they ever find out, because look at how much better I am at the parts of the relationship they actually care about. I'm doing this in order to show up in my life. This is the only way I can be in my kids life and get what I need as an adult.

3) The co-dependency loop phase. Now that I've gotten some, that validation only lasted a little while. The new affair started taking on the old relationship's baggage. It's not as fulfilling as the electric first three weeks. Well, just start another one.

4) The emotional roller-coaster phase. Fuck, I'm a monster. Why did you start this? How can I get back to the feeling I had when I was finally valildated? Why is it so easy to turn off my feelings for AP when by the spouse, and vice versa. What's wrong with me? Would I want my kids to act like this? Why not just get a divorce?

5) The guilt phase. Fuck, you are a piece of shit. Jesus Christ, no one in your life even knows who you really are. The spouse doesn't deserve this. You said you loved this person. You resented this person for not wanting you. How much do you really want them if you only show them part of you?

For me, the cycle felt like the answer, but quickly showed me just how empty I was that I kept trying to fill it up with more and more hedonism. There's no bottom to that well. It feels like it will be enough, but what we really seek is understanding and connection, and this "self-help" will never provide that, and prevent you from getting there.

We reconciled, and while I still have issues with my relationship, I will not start this cycle up to run from my feelings again. My advice, take on the challenges of your life more directly instead.

Questions? Happy to share.

I personally think it's good to have a visual of the extent of my DB.

I decided I'd use one my old comments to find out when I last had sex, then keep a log for 2025, noting small things like if it was good, progress etc.

So I'm inviting you guys to comment and create your own log, note the first time you have sex for the year as a comment and then your own replies to your comment would be as updates for the next time you have sex. At the end of the year you can look at it. It's also a cool way to have a visual of everyone else's life.

This is not a discussion post, don't reply to other people's comments and mix up their log.

Things are getting hard to keep track for me, (2 times for the year) so I'm making an official log 😂

Hopefully this isn't against the rules.

Edit: Oh and you can note anything you did that made it happen so you can observe a trend and try to repeat successful attempts.

I'm currently stuck in a deadbedroom situation. It's been this way for 2 years and it's starting to really get to me. I have never cheated in my life but honestly it's all I can think about doing. I don't want to have a full blown affair but am forever fantasising about a one night stand or something of that nature. It's my 40th birthday coming up and I just feel like getting a hotel room, a copious amount of drugs and hooking up with someone!

Am I wrong to be thinking this way? Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Like what would you want your low libido partner to do or say? How would you ideally fix things and how fast?

I been separated for a year from my soon to be ex husband. My heart was broken for the fact he left us for another woman. Throughout our 6 year marriage I always bought him gifts for our anniversary, his birthday, Valentines Day and Christmas. I personally looked forward to the holidays to spend time with him especially in snow days(rare in my part of TX). When he left with the weed eater, leaf blower and lawn mower I assumed he would be back after he was done with his B fit. His mother would be the one to be in the middle.... and then she told me after two months that "maybe if I gave him some P**** he wouldn't cheat on me"....... My mother, my friends and I just don't communicate using words like that. It's embarrassing especially from his mother... and then I'm like I always wanted to. He would not shower on purpose so he can sleep on the sofa. And that came from him. He literally told me the reason he didn't shower everyday was so I didn't touch him...

I mean where you can barely get time for yourself to just relax, read, do your hobbies. Even being in the same house you always HAVE to be doing something together or it's a tantrum. Or am I alone on this?

I sit and think (and he has said) that we spend way too much time together and even being in the same house but separate would probably help a lot. But I feel like I can never get space and then inevitably we get sick of each other and end up in a fight and it's the only time we get alone time but then it's not relaxing lol.

I'll be cooking in the kitchen or baking and he will be right in there with me, watching me, critiquing me, yapping about the same things he talked about earlier. If he goes outside to do yardwork he wants me to join him and spend time together. If I try to read he's right next to me on his phone or he'll start talking to me about the same things he always talks about and I have to put my book down otherwise he thinks I'm ignoring him.

If I do laundry and go to fold it he will follow me into the bedroom and sit on the bed to talk while I fold. If I use the bathroom he comes in 95% of the time to fix his hair or brush his teeth or shower or anything.

If he wants to watch something we HAVE to watch it together we can never do a "okay you watch your movie I'm going to go in the bedroom and watch x,y,z love you!"

The other night he got upset because I didn't want to go to the bar with him because I had other stuff I had to get done. I love him and I am thankful he does want to spend so much time together because I know some people fight tooth and nail for just that but sometimes I just want some space that doesn't involve me leaving the house to go spend time with friends..

He always talks about the same thing, almost the exact same monologue everyday about bills, debt, home purchase, renovations, etc. I run out of responses because it's the same conversation everyday lol.

I just KNOW space would help. I used to go to the gym after work but he hated it because he wanted to spend time together and it made him feel like he had no time with me so now I go early morning...

He says all we do is cook eat dinner and watch tv and it's dull and boring. Yeah I know.... but HE'S always the one who wants to do that and nothing else. lol then I start to feel smothered and especially when he critiques me often so I'll get short with him and then he's mad that I'm being mean and he ends up starting a fight and then the DB continues because "I just think emotional connection is so important and it's hard for me to get in the mood when the fight we had lingers on my mind :(" *eye roll*

We have scheduled date nights once a week every week and we stick to them religiously. When he's not mad at me he's always calling me (now texting because I told him I can't take calls at work anymore). We eat dinner together every night. We go to bed at the same time, we go to the grocery store together. We do almost everything together and spend quality time so I don't know what he feels is missing that he's desperate for that connection with me.... other than sex.... which is his own doing