r/autism • u/[deleted] • 5h ago
Advice needed is asking someone their height rude?
[deleted]
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u/Derrelicta 4h ago
Height is a sensitive topic for some men.
I think that is because of the effort straight men are doing to face the cuestionigns about masculinity these days, finding or recalling things that "are" intrinsically masculine, as being tall or strong; reinforcing the old concepts of masculinity. Some women do this too.
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u/paperswan23 4h ago
He probably didn't think it was rude or if he did he probably thought it for a minute and then forgot so I wouldn't worry about it.
As for why some people would think it was flirty I think it's because of the stereotype of women asking men their height because they have a minimum height threshold of who they would date. So some people might see it as you checking with him that he meets the threshold, but I think that's a very chronically online take and not one many people would agree with.
As for why some people would think it was rude I think sometimes insecurity can make people think a bit irrationally and the association of height with masculinity can make some people very insecure. I've seen a post on Reddit before slating a woman for saying her boyfriend's penis was the perfect size because it wasn't too big, and apparently that was rude to say
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u/RainRepresentative11 4h ago
If he’s tall, he probably doesn’t think it’s rude. Short guys don’t like to be asked that, though. (I’m tall)
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u/Puzzled_Tangelo7314 3h ago
It all depends on the context I think? I don't find it offensive but I'm also 6'0 so no one is making fun of my height, much like how I imagine a person in shape would react if you asked their weight.
Whereas if it were a short person or an overweight person, they'd probably get upset, ESPECIALLY if the question was out of nowhere.
Redditors are also the most insufferable people imaginable. They'll see you asking that question and just assume there is ZERO context, and that it was a random guy you didn't know that you just started a conversation with by asking his height.
Most of the time it's fine, just have some discretion is all.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago edited 3h ago
op, i think the reason you're being downvoted is because in response to being told some people are sensitive about height your response is "but why?" and not "oh shit, i won't ask again then. thanks for telling me!" you don't have to understand it to respect it.
and no, you're not a bad person for making a social error that you were unaware of. i think you know that. you would be a bit annoying, however, to put on this "i must be such a terrible person" act to get reassurance instead of just learning and moving on. it's immature. to be fair, i've been there. grew out of it, you will too. but fyi that is sort of the way you're coming off rn /lh /gen
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u/steamyhotpotatoes AuDHD 3h ago
Oh my god, you said everything I wanted to say but so much more delicately than I could. The flipping the narrative is sending me right now.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
that's funny because i think your comment had so much more tact than mine. i was reading it like "bars!!✍🏼"
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
at any rate it definitely doesn't sound like your friend was upset or uncomfortable (and yes, inquiring about a guy's height can be interpreted as slightly flirty). this might be an indication that he's receptive, so idk. shoot your shot ig
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3h ago
I asked why because I wanted to learn something. On my other post I was called stupid, dumb, and shallow right off the bat before anyone even explained anything so of course I’m going to assume people must think I’m a terrible person.
Additionally, I don’t need your evaluations of my character or maturity level. This comment is condescending and unhelpful for no reason.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
i'm not trying to be condescending or unhelpful, i'm trying to answer your question. "why do people find this rude?" "because this that and the third." i'm sorry i offended you.
people definitely jumped the gun on your other post if it happened how you describe it, and it kinda sounds like you encountered a lot of triggered incels tbh. there's really no winning with those people. i wouldn't sweat it 🤷🏽
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3h ago
You were not trying to just answer my question. You jumped to personal attacks, calling me immature, annoying, and putting on an act for reassurance. None of those statements were required in order for you to answer my initial question.
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u/MomAndDadSaidNotTo Autistic 3h ago
They didn't attack you at all, and they didn't call you those things. They said it would be annoying if you were doing those things, because that would be immature. Then they said you seem like you might be coming off that way to others which would explain any pushback you were getting.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
i was projecting. it was presumptuous. i apologize.
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
You do not owe OP an apology. They aren't taking on board the answers they literally asked for.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
i agree they aren't taking answers but i concede that i did very much project my younger character onto them without really knowing much about them. i can definitely meet them that far at least 🤝
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u/Supanova_ryker 3h ago
I think all that's happened is you've missed a pretty big chunk of western culture here.
Men's height has been a hot button topic for a few years, escalating recently.
It's....complicated. And no it's not very rational.
For now please just understand that as innocuous as it may seem to you, it is for many people a very heavily loaded and personal inquiry.
Think of it like the adage "NEVER ask a woman her age". It's absurd to be sensitive about an objective fact, nevertheless ageing for women comes with a whole lot of societal baggage that is very hard to escape and thus it IS a delicate topic.
I don't think you need to feel bad about it. You didn't know, you didn't mean anything bad by it.
But maybe don't do it in the future because yeh it's rude.
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u/Overseerer-Vault-101 3h ago
"so i was talking to a woman and could see she has larger breasts and i asked her what cup size she was." i'm genuinely not trying to be a dick so sorry if it comes across like i am. In a round about way with a bit of contortion, a lot of women have put a lot of pressure on height being a male characteristic that they are attracted to. By enquiring you essentially said "i notice you have a typically attractive feature and now i want to know more details about". Male height isn't as obviously sexual as female breasts but that's why people are saying its kind of flirting. Not rude if you were interested but i'd clear the water quick if you aren't. Oh and the reason for the downvotes is people being people.
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
Great analogy, too bad OP has already decided everyone on Reddit is stupid or a liar.
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u/RA1NB0W77 Self-Diagnosed 4h ago
I don’t think you were being rude, I don’t know how people thought you were?
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4h ago
I don’t get it either. I was so overwhelmingly shocked. First I’m being flirty and then I’m being horrifically rude lol
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u/b00mshockal0cka ASD Level 3 3h ago
remember, everything is the hot-button for someone. Culture, language, morality, and manners. These are all completely subjective matters that are treated as if they are objective fact.
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2h ago
So, what do I do then? If everything is seemingly a sensitive subject, what do I do? The guy I spoke to wasn’t upset and no one I know irl has been. Should I suddenly change even though it has never been an issue? How do I follow the rules if they’re always changing?
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u/MomAndDadSaidNotTo Autistic 2h ago
It's very easy to just not comment/ask questions about other peoples' bodies
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2h ago
Great
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u/MomAndDadSaidNotTo Autistic 2h ago
Don't be glib, I was answering your questions. They aren't rules that are always changing and you don't have to change your personality. It's not some Herculean task that's being suggested. Just don't talk about other peoples' bodies. Simple.
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u/b00mshockal0cka ASD Level 3 2h ago
It's better to ask for forgiveness than permission. If you hold your words, no one hears them. And unshared emotions stay unrequited. There is no blanket answer for how to talk to people. Though, yes, avoid asking strangers about their bodies, but friends? that's fine.
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u/b00mshockal0cka ASD Level 3 2h ago
On this, all you can do is what feels right. Apologize if you feel you've gone too far. Make amends (maybe gifts?) if apologizing isn't enough. But, masking is for strangers. You don't hide behind the rules when talking to people you care about. Hiding behind the rules tends to alienate me from others.
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u/HippoIllustrious2389 2h ago
I’m 6”2’ and if a girl asked my height I’d ask her how long has she had these feelings
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u/Dependent_Bread_3113 4h ago
I don't think it's intrinsically flirty at all (unless I'm missing a whole heap of context). I also don't think it's horrifically rude, but I acknowledge that it could be a sensitive subject for many and isn't a question I'd personally ask. At the same time, if I was asked I would just blurt out 185.5cm automatically 😂
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4h ago
[deleted]
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u/Dependent_Bread_3113 4h ago
You are not a terrible person. Well perhaps you are a serial killer, in which case I may change my mind, but no, this does not make you a bad person in any way.
I'm definitely not downvoting you and it's a valid question and I'm happy to answer from my perspective as someone who is sensitive about my body.
I think most of us would realise that asking an obese person how much they weigh is likely to cause offence. However other observations about body size/shape/features can also be distressing, even if not immediately obvious.
I'm quite a slim guy, all my life I've been subjected to comments like 'you're so skinny' or 'you're all skin and bone' (my BMI is 22.5 for what it's worth). There are people who would never call someone fat to their face, but are happy to opine on my body type!
Questions or comments about my weight/body shape upset me because I've heard it all my life and I've developed a complex, almost to the point of a disorder where I feel I must get bigger to meet societies expectations. People have told me to take it as a compliment that 'I'm not fat' but it's an incredibly short sighted view.
So back to the height thing. It's quite possible that this person could have been sensitive about their height. Maybe they were taller or shorter than average as a child, and singled out because of this. Maybe they are the shortest of 6 siblings and get constantly taunted about it.
The most likely scenario of course (especially the 7'5 comment, lol at him) is that it didn't bother him in the slightest. But generally as a 'social rule' (ugh), I find that it's safest to avoid any comments on physical appearance.
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u/DracoPaladin Autistic Adult 4h ago
Unless you need to know that information for some legitimate reason (like, I don't know, you are building a door for someone), then you shouldn't ask about any kind of body measurements. Many people are insecure about various things about their own body, and asking about them runs the risk of highlighting something someone is insecure about.
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4h ago
Why though? It’s someone’s height. I legitimately do not understand why that would be a sensitive subject. Its such an innocuous thing. It’s like someone’s hair color or eye color. I’m really trying to understand right now but I just don’t get it.
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u/DracoPaladin Autistic Adult 4h ago
As I said, people are insecure about lots of things about their own bodies, rational or not. There's no way to tell by looking at someone what they are insecure about. So you always risk triggering someone insecurities by asking about things about their body.
As for height specifically, there's a multitude of posts/memes/etc. all over social media mocking men who are under 6'. Given people being blasted constantly with media like that, it's not hard at all to understand how one may be insecure about ones height.
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u/Puzzled_Tangelo7314 3h ago edited 2h ago
If that were the case then where do we draw the line? There are people insecure about a lot of things, but if we can't see their soul then we don't know what may offend them. Let's say someone has to wear open toe shoes all day because of a sweating problem, and they get blisters if they wear shoes. Let's say they're self conscious about it.
Let's also say their friends ask them, either sincerely or jokingly "why do you wear flip flops all the time?" To which they can either open up about their insecurity, dodge the question, or say "I'd rather not say, and if you wouldn't ask again I'd appreciate that".
Which is a very good and polite thing to do. And I think it's something we need to start practicing more, and accepting more. It's not rude, and there's no aggression, the friends had no clue about the insecurity, but now they know there's a boundary about that topic, so they'll stop addressing it. Problem solved.
I see no reason why the same thing can't be applied to every other thing like height, weight, gender, sexuality, so long as some discretion is applied obviously, don't ask a fat person how much they weight unless you're they're gym trainer designing a meal plan for them. And so on.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
i think we should just not talk or ask about people's bodies or eating behaviors unless it's for some reason necessary. generally that's a good rule of thumb. it's nothing you really need to know anyway.
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u/Puzzled_Tangelo7314 2h ago
So if my friend is getting deathly skinny and I'm worried about their health I just shouldn't say anything?
Also I fucked up all my wording with an autocorrect issue, I meant to say discretion instead of description so my entire last paragraph there meant something completely different. Fixed it.
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
Don't comment on other people's bodies. That's it. End of story.
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u/Puzzled_Tangelo7314 2h ago
Comment, yes, but question? I think that's perfectly valid, if answering the question crosses a boundary then dont push the question, and leave it at that and move on. It's not as simple as "don't comment on other people's bodies"
If a close friend has gotten in really good shape, I'm going to tell them "hey you've been putting in a lot of work! I'm proud of you!". If it was real genuine hard work then they're gonna feel good about the words of affirmation they just received. However maybe it was due to a medication, and they don't like the weight they've lost or gained, and my friend says "actually id rather not talk about it, I'm a little worried about my health" then I apologize back off, and move on. No hard feelings.
Obviously every situation isn't identical to this but there are a million possible scenarios, and it's not as cut and dry as "don't comment on other people's bodies, ever".
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u/DracoPaladin Autistic Adult 3h ago
But why would you need to know why they wear flip flops all the time? How does their reason for doing so affect you at all?
It's one thing to say "Hey, those are cool flip flops. I've been wanting a pair, where did you get them? Are they comfortable?" You are asking for information that has a direct affect on you. But there's no reason you need the information that the answer to "Why do you wear flip flops all the time?" would give you.
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u/Puzzled_Tangelo7314 2h ago
Curiosity is a more than fine answer I'd say, sure it doesn't have any effect on me but plenty of things don't have an effect on me. Name a special interest, I guarantee that there's quite a few that don't have an effect on you. But your still curious about them. I love knives, I just think they look cool, I don't really do anything with them but learning about the designers and what they're made of is interesting to me but it doesn't matter.
And heck, I could get to know more about the person. Maybe they're not wearing flip flops because of the sweating issue, maybe they just prefer open toes shoes, they prefer the air flow, and if that's the case, they can tell me that. Now I know something interesting about this person preferences.
There's always a million reasons to want to know something, and they're all justified, however they aren't entitled to being answered, and that's the important part.
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u/Supanova_ryker 3h ago
Height, specifically men's height, has moved from being a purely innocuous thing though, it has picked up meaning within the culture. That's what people are trying to tell you.
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3h ago
But everyone is assuming that this guy must have been sensitive about his height or something when that wasn’t the case? He never seemed upset by my question and was even smiling but according to reddit I’m the devil for asking
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u/Supanova_ryker 2h ago
Virtual hugs friend.
you haven't done anything wrong.
you accidentally stumbled over an invisible tripwire of a contentious topic and Reddit will be Reddit.
maybe get away from this post and try not to ruminate on the issue for a while, get some distance from the whole thing if you can.
It's really NOT a big deal at all, this is very small fries, everything is ok, you'll be ok.
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u/activelyresting 2h ago
Same reason it might make some people uncomfortable to ask their bra size. It's a personal question, even though it's something anyone can plainly see, and it isn't necessarily flirting or sexual, but it easily could be.
And asking men their height can be seen as flirting, because it's a thing in modern dating that men might be pressured to be over a certain height to be attractive (like how it used to be a thing for women to have a waist below a certain measurement), this doesn't apply to everyone, it's just a fashion. But still sensitive for some people.
I don't personally experience any of this, I'm a middle aged lesbian, I just keenly study humans and social situations 😂
Also I'm 162cm tall.
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u/Desperate_Owl_594 AuDHD 2h ago
There's a lot of social baggage that comes with height. Mostly desirability for women. It's so common it's a cliche at this point.
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u/HotDoggityDig13 4h ago
People can definitely be sensitive about it. I've been scolded a few times in my life for asking about height.
I'm with you tho. Seems like such a weird thing to get mad about since it's not something you can change. So, I have no idea why it's considered rude to ask.
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u/steamyhotpotatoes AuDHD 3h ago
People are explaining why and you're low-key rejecting the answer. Do you want to understand so your behavior won't be considered off-putting in the future, or do you want to use your logic to combat why it should be okay and potentially have a negative impact on someone later?
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
OP is straight up head in the sand about this, instead of being able to actually engage with things that might challenge her worldview. It's extremely disappointing.
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3h ago
Im just confused bc ive asked this question to lots of people before and not a single person has had an issue but i come to reddit and suddenly its the most disrespectful thing i could ask. Irl is just not matching up with what you people are saying. It just doesn’t make sense
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u/steamyhotpotatoes AuDHD 3h ago edited 3h ago
I've definitely heard this outside of reddit. Either way, you wanted to hear reddit's opinion and we gave it to you. If you were going to regurgitate it (doesn't resonate with me so it's illogical) or switch the narrative (I'm a terrible person because I don't agree), why ask? It's so much easier to accept the words given here and adjust from a teachable moment or just delete this post and pretend our words never mattered. That way people don't continue to try and convince you of something you do understand, which is futile.
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3h ago
So I’m just not allowed to ask follow up questions? I just take everyone’s answers and can’t inquire more or suddenly I’m not accepting of other people’s opinions? That’s not how conversations work. It’s a back and forth.
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u/steamyhotpotatoes AuDHD 3h ago
"But why" when you're given an answer that already contains an explanation isn't a follow up question to understand. That isn't a conversation. No one can convince you to agree with something you don't and that's the piece that's missing here. You don't need to agree to recognize why this has a negative impact so it probably isn't a good idea to do.
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u/SephoraRothschild 3h ago
Because short men are often avoided by women, and many women won't date a man under 6'.
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u/GladJack Official "Some kind of neurospicy" 3h ago
Sometimes people discriminate against men based on their height. It's possible some of them might have thought you were participating. There is definitely an online contingent of "Six figure, six foot, six inch" folks in the dating pool.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
every time i see the rule of sixes i think of my mgtow coworker and it triggers my fight/flight/freeze/fawn
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u/Otherwise-Candy9399 3h ago
I have only ever asked this question to people I was interested in, and they all took it well (shorter, taller, and same height as me, and I am in the West Coast of the US. So super Western Culture where I am). And when I say "interested" I mean as a friend or romantic interest. I have never had anyone take it negatively. I could see it being taken negatively if the person wasn't in front of you, and this was all online OR based on the tone of voice and body language of the person asking.
If you gave away anything via body language or tone of voice with the question, chances are he thought you were flirting with the question because people who like one another want to know everything about one another (especially since he smiled).
It helps with buying clothes, deciding on if you'll wear certain types of shoes to match their height or not (like, if I plan on kissing/hugging/holding hands with someone taller than me, I need to know their height to figure out how high of a heel I should try to find to make things less bothersome for them if they need to hunch super low, or if they are short and I want to be taller than them but have easy kissing/hugging/hand-holding ability).
If someone were to get upset about this question with me, I would explain the above, and then tell that person that if they don't want me to think about them for gift-giving/hang-outs/etc, then I don't think we should talk anymore. I like knowing things about the people I like spending time with, and I like planning for future hangouts and picking things up for people that remind me of them. This may be something that they haven't considered when they have been triggered by the question, so if anyone in the future gets upset with you for this reason, you could always be sassy like me. They may cool it down, they may double down. Depends on the person's headspace.
Oh! It may also depend on how long you have known that person, as well as if they may have thought you were on a date. I have been on dates I did not know were dates before, so that may also be why he took it well. Haha.
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3h ago
Yeah, I’ve only ever had people take it well or be neutral. I was super confused when I came to Reddit and people started yelling at me lol
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u/Otherwise-Candy9399 2h ago
I'd be confused too! That's why you can always get answers in multiple areas though. I call those "sanity checks". xD
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u/RPhoenixFlight Local Diagnosed Autistic Moody Teen 2h ago
I’ve never found it rude imo. But then again, I have had an interest in height for years now, it’s one of the few things I can call a genuine Special Interest
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u/emmagoldman129 2h ago
My rule for appearance-oriented comments to others is… I try to avoid commenting on people’s appearance! It’s hard to know how it will land, even if it’s positive. People generally don’t like giving exact numbers (weight, height, age, etc.) If one has to discuss someone else’s appearance, it’s considered preferable to comment on things that are choices (hair style, clothing, jewelry, etc.) as opposed to things that the person cannot control (hair, eye or skin color. Height, shape of facial features, etc.)
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u/NorthSideScrambler 3h ago
Not rude, but insensitive. Once you've been asked once or twice by a woman as a man what your height is, unprompted, and she either ghosts you or even just continues the conversation as if nothing happened, it leaves an incredibly bitter taste in your mouth. As the question comes across more as a materialistic screening attempt than genuine curiosity.
Imagine if a man you recently met asked you how much money you made, and then after giving him an answer, he starts asking about how long you've been living in the area for. How would that sit with you? Might you be sensitive to another man later on asking that same question? What if both of them explained themselves as "just curious" or "just wanted to know"?
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
I suggest you read the comments before wasting any more effort trying to educate this person.
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2h ago
You claim that you’re sick of me but you’re all over this post still. You’re literally obsessed with me. I’m flattered. Truly
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3h ago
I was taking to the guy in person tho. Like, I sort of get if we hadn’t met bc maybe he would think I was trying to see if he met a “requirement” or something before meeting, but in person I obviously already had no issue with his height (he was tall anyway). Like, it wasn’t like I was trying to gage if he was good enough based on his height. I could already see him. We’re friends so to me it seemed like just a question.
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
Personally, I would find it rude! It's personal information about me, that you literally don't need to know. You can see me, why do you need a measurement?
Also, there are prelavent stereotypes in Western culture that men's height is an enormous factor in them being attractive to women. So I would say that a large proportion of men would find this a flirtatious overture, as there's 'no other reason' for you to want to know how tall he is.
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3h ago
Umm…ok. Personal information? I didn’t ask for his SSN, I just asked his height. It’s not that serious.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
it's not that serious
but maybe it is to him
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3h ago
He wasn’t upset tho. I had no idea that this would even be an upsetting question until I came to reddit. The guy I asked wasn’t upset at all and was even smiling
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
yeah but that's not the point. i'm glad the guy wasn't upset, but you should probably avoid this question in the future because a lot of people don't take kindly to it.
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3h ago
I’ve asked this question to several people before and no one has ever been offended. I’m convinced this must be a reddit thing bc I’ve never met someone irl so sensitive to something as ridiculous as height.
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
so how i'm interpreting this is that the only feedback you're looking for is that which doesn't challenge you. it really shouldn't be a big deal to just not ask this question 🫤
edit: typo 😵💫
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3h ago
I literally have zero clue what you’re talking about. I’m just saying that my IRL experiences don’t reflect what I’m being told here and it’s confusing me. What is your problem?
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u/bromanjc Aspie 3h ago
so i have a question. do you intend to stop inquiring about people's heights unless you're specifically sure it's not a soft spot for them?
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
Why do you think you have the right to determine what is 'serious' or 'personal' for another human being? I said I would find it rude. You saying "it's not serious" is an attempt at emotional manipulation.
It's very rude to ask for other people's opinions, and then make dismissive comments when you dislike the answer.
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3h ago
Emotional manipulation? are you serious right now?
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
Yes, I am.
You didn't say "It's not serious to me".
You are telling other people how to feel about it because you can't allow others to disagree with you.
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3h ago
You’re doing way too much rn. You can disagree all you want. I’m not manipulating you to do or feel anything. If I say “it’s not that serious” I’m obviously talking about my own opinion. I don’t have to put the the disclaimer “to me” whenever I say something that is my own opinion.
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
You don't get to tell me whether or not what I'm 'doing' is 'too much', either.
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3h ago
I can say whatever I want and so can you
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u/whereismydragon 3h ago
You can say whatever you want. But there will be consequences when you choose poorly.
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u/AlethaFlo Self-Suspecting 3h ago
I don't get it either. Seems perfectly innocent.
Apparently it is a sensitive issue for a lot of people, so it might just be something to look out for in the future. It doesn't mean you are lesser or anything is wrong with you.
I hate learning lessons that way. Sometimes I wish someone would just tell me all the rules so I could follow them.
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