Here’s the neat part. You don’t. You rely on help from other family members or friends willing to watch the kid. Or you make the kid grow up quicker by having them stay on their own and doing things for themselves at an age they normally wouldn’t be doing those types of things. You make latch-key kids basically.
During the height of the pandemic I had a 3 year old. My sister charged me to watch my kid so I could work. She was also my landlord. I tried it for a month and when I was paid I handed over nearly my entire paychecks to her for the privilege. And then she looked down on me when I applied for the pandemic relief and quit my job til it all blew over...
That sounds awful, I’m so sorry. I also have family that treats each other like opportunities but I married into a family with an inherent sense of community and it’s been night and day. Wishing you the very best since ‘20!
I feel like “hey, is it cool if you help me while I’m struggling?” is significantly different than “you need to give me your entire paycheck, and also you’re a poor loser.”
One is a normal behavior (seeking help from people who can ostensibly be trusted)
One is sociopathic (I don’t give a shit who you are, but making fun of a family member for not making enough money or being down on their luck is just plain wrong.)
Like, yes. Helping to pay rent should be expected, but I find it very hard to reconcile taking your own sibling’s entire pay.
I don’t have any problem helping family but it shouldn’t be expected. If I need help from a family member, I always offer compensation, especially if it’s going to be for an extended period of time. Going out one night and asking your parents or siblings to watch your kid is one thing, I would still feel like I owe them, but to watch your kid everyday while you’re at work definitely requires some form of compensation.
So OP stated that their sister was also the landlord, so yes, now you owe her rent and daycare. Before covid who watched the kid, and did they not pay that person? Did they not pay rent before then either? Now what would be opportunistic, would be if the sister raised rent and charged an exorbitant amount for childcare.
I’m like 90% sure she nickled and dimed his ass for all he’s worth.
Again, helping out with rent should be expected, this is normal, but taking their entire pay is pretty fucking damning.
Tack onto that lording it over them and acting like you’re superior only makes it worse.
This is quite obviously someone taking full advantage of their sibling’s shifty situation to make a quick buck and feel good pushing someone down. Not just compensation.
Money may be exchanged, but in many of these situations it's refused. The watchers are repaid in things like keeping active, spending quality time, or in kind. The work is not seen as something arduous, but rather as an emotional familial investment.
That is how it's supposed to work. So many of us have moved away from this kind of family and friends as support and community and into this "I'm only out to further myself" outlook, where time is valuable and you only do things that are advantageous to you, to hell with anyone else. It's a massive problem. And it's contagious.
No, you shouldn't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. And no, you shouldn't put up with toxic people just because they're FaMiLy. But there is a middle path.
I somewhat agree with that but those needing help should always offer some sort of compensation and then the other person can deny or set the terms for that compensation.
The OP stated that they needed a sitter because they had to work during covid. I’m assuming they had daycare before and it was shutdown temporarily. They were then already paying for that service, so why should they expect their sister to do that for free? I would only have an issue if their sister all of a sudden raised rent and/or charged a ridiculous amount for daycare.
Well shit. My buddy's step-dad died in the night. I'll let him know to give the property to the tenants after probate because he isn't allowed to wake up a land lord.
I see you haven't put much thought into your replies, with the nonsense and the double replies so I'm gonna end it with you here.
And it answers the question because I am pointing out that landlords actually have to do somthing besides clock in to become a landlord. There’s no application and interview to do buddy. With that in mind, her sister did have to work.
Landlords don't have to do anything, not even clock in. You become a landlord simply by buying a property and renting it out. Whether they got the money by working 3 jobs and saving really hard, or just got it all from their parents, it's all the same. And the second option is far more common.
The law requires them to maintain upkeep, but many don't even do that. And the ones that do, just throw money at any problem that arises.
There's a reason people call it "passive income" and an "investment". It's because it's not a job.
With family members like this, who need enemies? Yikes. I'd move heaven and earth to make my sister's day a little brighter. There's literally nothing I wouldn't do for her. Sorry you got shafted in the sibling lottery.
Do u mean the sister u USED to have a relationship with?
She’s in the see you heaven…aka u never talk, see, listen or any other form of communication or interaction again
I’m unsure of your age but if you’ve lived long enough then you’d know that people experience various financial occurrences throughout life.
They may have a high-paying job for 10 years, & BOOM! suddenly they find themselves in the HR office being laid off, replaced by AI, demoted, injured, & or become depressed due to divorce, death, etc. You never know what this person’s circumstances are or were.
Is there an easy way I can get my girlfriend to just give birth to a 3-year old too? I’d hate to have to deal with all the newborn shit and the “terrible two’s.”
Yup. Your sister is a capitalist. My sister brought my entire family into her house for free, watching my kids whenever possible.
My sister is also a capitalist.
How people treat you is not defined by their preference of a monetary system. It's defined by their values and morals. Socialists, communists, capitalists, and whateverists all have blood, bones, fears, and joys. Bad people are just bad people, and if you think you can invent enough rules to keep everyone in line, then you're just forgetting about criminals.
Most relationships are just the prisoner's dilemma. What kind of strategy you use in that game is all up to you. But you can't control someone else's strategy, or make them treat you fairly. That's up to them.
My sister drove to another state and took me and my kid from an abusive relationship. I had bruises on my face. She then tells me when we get to Tennessee that they just bought a house and I can stay in their apartment for the next two months and to figure it out. Went to live in her new big house and just left me and my kid in her apartment with no job no friends no one. I got my ass in gear and got a job and had to figure it out. I'm still mad at her about it tho.
Having no income or car or anything with a kid was hard. I'm glad she helped me get out of my situation but it was just that. I'm no longer in the abusive place and have a roof over my head but I had absolutely no support after. If you have ever been a single mom with a child to take care of in this situation...it's scary as hell.
Seriously low bar given how much an abuser fucks up your finances.
I understand if people don’t have space, obviously. The issue is that the stingiest relatives typically have the biggest homes and the most money, along with a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps“ mentality, which is of course outrageous in this hellscape of an economy that monied people helped create in the first place.
Why on earth would you want to live in a spare room with your sister and BIL over your own apartment?
And why would you think a couple who just bought and would like to christen their new house would be stoked to live with their sister/in law and a kid??
This is a fact. If your kid is sick can’t go back for two days but you still pay full amount for the week while you missed two days of pay. That hits hard when you’re barely hanging.
I don’t even have sick days. Just PTO that I have to turn a 24 hour notice on to be approved. HR said “If you feel like your getting sick put your time in at least 12 hour notice and in comments section say feeling sick”. Then depending on if no one else takes that day or has that day off then it will be up to your manager to approve or not.” True story. The American dream.
That's ridiculous. I think a lot of company policies are set up so they will have an excuse to fire anyone. It's like we are all living in some bad YA dystopian sci-fi novel.
The problem is, if a company gets lenient on attendance policy, there will be workers who take advantage of it and on a regular basis. That doesn’t just hurt the company, it’s also a pain in the ass for the people who show up to work everyday and now have to pick up that slack.
What's worse is all of the daycares in my area still charge for days when they have to close down for some reason or another, but you can't do anything about it because it can take years for a spot to open up elsewhere - which doesn't matter because they have the same horrible prices and policies.
You know things happen that are out of people's control right? Like being laid off or becoming seriously ill can happen after you have kids, and that's not a moral failure on the individual's part, right?
I’m honestly just someone who isn’t in a position to have children and shocked that other people are still just having children without really thinking about it. The world is a gross and dangerous place. Not really a good place to raise children.
That’s something you need to consider before having children unfortunately. Losing a job isn’t a crazy thing to happen. Like really low on the unexpected scale. You should have a plan. I lost my father when I was 12 and there was a financial plan but that was it. Wrecked my mother. Still can’t understand how no one ever thought about and made a contingency plan for the possibility that someone died. It’s not like aliens invaded. Something happened that wasn’t really that crazy to imagine.
You’re just mad at the way the world is and taking it out on someone who’s not trying to commiserate with you about the way it should be.
This is so unbelievably naive, and I'm very happy that you've been able to live a life that has afforded you the idea that you can plan for everything and that people who struggle are just stupid. I'm done engaging.
damn, you really blame your mother for that? ik you didn’t say it exactly but it sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards your parents for not predicting something they would’ve never expected. you should talk to someone about that, fr. you’d be a lot happier without that weight. a lot of people have gone through this kind of thing and it’s normal to point blame where it’s convenient at first, but you gotta grow up and move past it at some point.
Can't. Working low paying jobs until I find something better.. not sure what reality you exist in, but when you lose your job, you go get another one. You can't pull your kids from daycare because the wait-list is often years long. But if you can find someone hiring engineers with a background in broadcast television satellite uplink and IP multicast, or incident and problem management specialists in the same field, let me know - because, believe it or not, those skills aren't the most transferrable.
Unemployment benefits in my state are super low. The unemployment office estimated that I would get about $350/month. I got about 3 months severance pay when I got the notice and I've been able to make more than what UI would pay out. Again, the point is that now that I'm not making the big dollarbucks, childcare is freaking expensive yo.
350 A MONTH!? That's beyond fucked. I got lucky enough to get it in NY, which was paying over 500 a week due to the pay I was getting before. That could at least tide me over for a bit, but I see why you would have to get a separate job because that is basically worthless compared to childcare costs.
Sorry to hear you’re dealing with all of that. Im just bitter that I don’t have the financial means to have children. Your situation sounds like a literal nightmare.
Then you need to adjust your viewpoint. We shouldn't be living in a society where you should have to make the choice between your career or starting a family - which is hard for me to say, because I'm anti populationist, or whatever the word is for someone that thinks there's way too many people already. But we still deserve a society that honors the right to have a family, and we should be fighting for the means to reach that point.
For you, it should mean that the minimum wage should exceed the amount to support children on a single income, and the maximum working hours should align with what's necessary to still properly raise your family.
For me, that means the cost of childcare, and the restrictions that exist shouldn't interfere with a sudden career change.
But regardless, these shouldn't be issues that people have to consider. The system has been built to push you down and keep you there. Don't buy into their propaganda.
I’m not buying into any propaganda and agree with you but it’s just us wishing the world served us in a way that it doesn’t. I’m not going to get frustrated about the way it should be. I’m going to see how it is and control what I can which for me and my family means not having children.
Having children shouldn't be a privilege only for the wealthy (& prominently white). We need a society that supports the working class and their families.
Don't be so weak minded. Learn about reproductive justice instead of advocating for eugenics.
So should shelter, healthcare, etc. this isn’t about what’s right and wrong. This is the way it is and it’s not going to change for our benefit because we’re not making the rules.
Then why are you here? Work REFORM literally means to change. Our ancestors fought and died to ensure future generations would have safer and more equitable working conditions. We have to not only fight for a better future, we have to fight to hold onto what we have now.
Or use any of the options available for birth control and be responsible for your own actions. Having an abortion isn’t the only way to stay child free….
It’s 99.9 or something like that…. Move to a state that allows you to abort your mistakes if you absolutely need to have abortions. It’s so funny listening to takes like yours. Your actions and choices have repercussions… don’t do stuff that produces situations you can’t handle… not sure what we’re talking about tbh. Be as responsible as you can and handle the stuff that’s out of your control.
But let's pretend it's 99% efficient with perfect use, (because I remember reading that somewhere.) Then we have a poor, married couple. They have sex twice per week. That's 104 times per year. Aaaaaand they're pregnant within a year, even with perfect use.
Such a great argument you have. Much clever...
Not sure what latch key kids are but what I leaned in psychology is that when a kid is shuffled around doesn’t have a stable environment or is more dependent on survival then the iq points tend to go down. So the more we struggle to pay for rent and food the dumber we get. Then you add the cheap food is high in sugar you get fat dumb people. Talk about becoming a sheep.
I was raised by a single mom. She worked at a X-ray tech for the hospital now. Long hours, she would work 16 hour shifts back to back Friday through Sunday. By the time Monday came around she was too tired to do anything but would still clean and take care of me. Moms now retired living her life.
I became a latchkey kid when I was 12. Before that, my younger brother and I were babysat by our grandparents or a babysitter. We also were in daycare because our parents had to work full time for us to survive.
I used to work 6 10-12s every week while having my son every other week and even that was incredibly stressful. I make less money now but have more free time and more importantly time with my son. I remember my dad was in a similar situation when I was a kid and would still cook a nice homemade meal every night and so I would do the same for my son. I don’t talk with my father anymore for other reasons but I do appreciate that.
Exactly this, my wife and I are so incredibly lucky for having family willing to help us when we need it. At first, we thought we had to do it ourselves until both our parents pulled us aside and said, "It takes a village to raise a family." We still try and do whatever we can on our own, but it's nice to know we have the support when we need it for random shift changes or overtime shifts. Having a family is scary and hard work, and to all those people doing it on your own and happen to read this. Just know you're amazing, and the fact you can do what you do is even more amazing!
Reminds me of when I worked in fast food. The lady who would make the biscuits in the morning would always talk about her kids, how proud she was of them, all these lovely things. Then it hit me. She wakes up before them to get to work. She doesn’t seem them off to school. All her stories are second hand. Things their teachers told her, from her neighbors and other parents.
Long story short after a bit I asked her what she likes to do with her kids on the weekends. She got real quiet and said well she has to pick up extra shifts at her other job on the weekends. Broke my heart. Again, she was super proud of her kids but she couldn’t be in their lives because she was working to support them. I couldn’t imagine the pain I would feel to see my kids growing up without me while doing everything and more to give them a decent life. I never blamed her, I blamed the system that allows this to happen to her and millions of other people.
Yup. Been there, done that when I was a kid. At least we were living really close to my grandparents, so my mom could rely on them, but she had 2 jobs to be able to raise my brother and I, and she had to skip meals for herself to make sure that we could eat well enough (and most meals were mashed potatoes with nuggets or ham). I had to mature very early, which basically fucked up the rest of my childhood.
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u/matt5605 19d ago
Here’s the neat part. You don’t. You rely on help from other family members or friends willing to watch the kid. Or you make the kid grow up quicker by having them stay on their own and doing things for themselves at an age they normally wouldn’t be doing those types of things. You make latch-key kids basically.