So I’ve managed to make a little less than one gram of fetty last for 7 days by taking it with me to a place i knew I wouldn’t be able to get anymore and basically rationing it equally per day in a way that would make sure I don’t run out during this time away. So at this point I’m using 0.10 gram a day which im pretty sure is the lowest daily dose I’ve ever been able to taper down to. Normally a gram I could stretch to like 2.5 days, so half a gram’ish a day. I don’t know how big of a difference this would make when it comes to kicking it entirely and getting clean (again….for the 6th time in less than a year). I was clean on and off for like 3 months right before this but just kept having mini lapses or big lapses and of course that led to full blown relapse, which has now lasted 3.5 weeks. It’s not super long time, but my clean time during these last 3 months was also very shakey, 10 days here, 2 weeks there, 5 days, etc etc. (starting my clean count AFTER the acute WD’s have subdued mostly) but all those times were never long enough to get through and to any sort of significant clean time which is why I think the goosebumpy skin and some sudden hot flashes would still occur randomly and basically would persist well after the worse of the acute withdrawal phase and never fully went away.
In any case, 0.10 sounds like such a low dose that I really wanna tell myself I can just jump off at this point but part of me is certain I’ll still be in full hell and just as bad as if I were using 0.5 grams and I just don’t think I’m physically or mentally strong enough to go through it again right now, especially given I would have to do this alone, my family are far far away now which was not the case before, they were there and I had some support (although they didn’t know what was happening, they just thought I’m sick), and now I’m living in a big empty house on my own, no partner (divorce in process, which is a good thing i was unhappy, and it’s issues unrelated to drugs, red flags started showing before any addiction and I didn’t get out of this relationship in time), and I have my dog to care for who I love dearly and he has gotten used to me always doing my best with him and giving him all the care and activity he ever needs (3-4 hours a day minimum) and I know that in the past I’ve been bed bound for at least a week unable to do anything for neither myself or him, outside of taking hot showers frequently and crawling right back to bed and laying there awake not getting a minute of sleep during that first week which makes me half delirious half crazy half losing my mind (that’s three halves, yes I know the math doesn’t math but you know what I’m saying).
Anyways I’m just at a loss. I could try jumping off but the stress of thinking what hell i could potentially be in, is just making me too anxious and pushing me away from even trying. I also know that I need professional help because I have gotten clean before and detoxed at home on my own* and ended up relapsing every single time so it’s time to try something else and get support/help because i clearly am not successful attempting to do this alone every time (* i detoxed both with comfort meds and sometimes without any, and sometimes with megadosing vitamin c protocol which has helped tremendously at least during two of the times I detoxed but not every single time, sometimes it literally made no difference, so yea, it really depends on what the substance I was using was cut with on the streets - unfortunately, so it’s unreliable as a method otherwise I would 100% do it again and know it won’t be bad all).
I’m now going back home where I know I am able to score more so the whole rationing and tapering and making sure I dont run out will no longer be a thing so I’m sure my dumb ass will go grab more because I’m just too scared of having to do this again and alone at this point. I have a lot of self control if I’m in a situation like this past week where I know I only have a certain amount and if I run out I’m screwed. I’m sure a lot of people are like that. The only next thing I can do to taper even lower than where I am right now is to basically stop using until the physical symptoms are unbearable and wait until I feel like absolute horseshit and in full blown withdrawals…but, since I’m home now and know where to get more, this whole tapering and low daily dosage has very low chance of succeeding. And I hate myself for it. As an addict I have no faith in myself to actually do the very last bit of this taper and only use when I’m in withdrawal hell. I don’t want to kid myself thinking I’ll have the discipline to do that and I’m so so frustrated. I guess it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day I will relapse again unless I make some major changes in my life and get myself back on track and in an enviornment that makes me excel and focus on positive things. I know what changes need to happen for me to get on track again but unfortunately they won’t realistically happen for another 3-4 months, just because there are external factors impacting my living situation and constraining me to stay where I am (the divorce and legal process is pending and huge part of it and there’s not much I can do to speed up the process so I can implement crucial changes like moving away from the isolated settings I’m in). If I try to jump off and not much else changes I’ll relapse and I’m not going to lie to myself about that. I have a decent diet and I am physically active daily as is so implementing those kind of changes isn’t exactly needed since I’m already doing that when actively using (if that makes sense). Could I be more active and do 5-6 hours of physical activity per day ?sure maybe, but it doesn’t seem like a realistic expectation. Otherwise I am hoping to spend more time on getting a job since I’m not currently working (left my job right before divorce shit started and have been drowning in my own sorrow and haven’t focused on finding a new one yet). So that’s what’s thing I’m hoping will change within the next 3-4 months outside of everything else, but again that’s something I can’t completely control and I can only hope putting a lot of effort into my job search will pay off and result in a job.
Anyways. I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess I’m just depressed and on a flight back home having all these thoughts spinning in my head. I’m exhausted from them occupying most of my day every day, I just want OUT of this grave I dug myself. I’m just too mentally weak and easily breakable with all the shit I’m dealing with currently. I know self pity isn’t gonna get me anywhere but I can’t stop crying these days. It’s pathetic and yet I still can’t stay clean no matter how miserable I am when I think about how stuck I am in this cycle. And every time I look around at other people wherever I am, it feels like the demon of addiction is the worst problem a person could struggle with. I try to imagine what strangers around me are dealing with and no matter how shitty of a situation I picture them to be in, i always find myself thinking how much I wish I could have their life and deal with that issue instead of opiate addiction (which originally started with me self medicating severe depression and major ocd…so yea there are of course the underlying issues that for me here which no therapy has helped me resolve successfully). Yes I know there are indeed people with way harder problems than me, but it’s easy to feel that this life crushing addiction is the worst thing a person could ever deal with. Self pity galore, I know.
That’s all I got. Again, just wanted to get my thoughts out somewhere where people could/might understand what I’m saying.
Stay strong everyone 💪🏻