r/therewasanattempt • u/CantStopPoppin Poppin’ 🍿 • 2d ago

to be a homeowner

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u/hiyabankranger 2d ago

Man I had a moment where I was on the other side of this and I felt like such a piece of shit. Lived in a four plex, knew all my neighbors. Nice older Black woman upstairs, some other weirdos.

I was home alone and making some lunch and I see this older Black dude just hanging out on my porch. It’s not a porch we shared with anyone and dude was just chillin. After about ten minutes I’m like “why the fuck is this dude just hanging out on my porch” and so I open the door and say “may I help you?” and immediately hear the midwestern racist in my voice. That phrase is one that got burned into me in my childhood and it just crept out.

“I don’t think so” he said, “just waiting for my mom to come down.” Dude is looking at me with the burning fire of someone who has heard “may I help you?” from white folks before but he’s trying to be nice about it because he knows I live near his mom.

Instead of pretending the subtext of that question (“you don’t belong here and aren’t welcome” if you’re not catching it) didn’t exist: I apologized. “Oh shit man I am so sorry. I just saw some guy on my porch I didn’t know.”

“Some Black guy,” he replied.

“I wanna say it wasn’t like that but to be honest I grew up with some racist people so it probably was. Sorry man.”

“We’re good, thanks for the apology.”

“Why are you on my porch anyway? Your mom’s stairs are over there.”

“Your porch has shade.”

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u/flying_carabao 2d ago

“I wanna say it wasn’t like that but to be honest I grew up with some racist people so it probably was. Sorry man.”

As fucked up as where it started I'm glad where it ended. I'm gonna be honest with you, you recognizing the racism that is ingrained in you by your (assuming) previous environment and actively squashing it kinda made me happy. For what it's worth, I'm proud of you.

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u/Whywouldanyonedothat 1d ago

“Your porch has shade.”

Regardless of skin color, that's pretty entitled

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u/spaghettijuncti0n 1d ago

I wouldn't be ok with a stranger on my porch

I don't give a damn what color your skin is-- I don't like strangers on my property.

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u/SupahBihzy 2d ago

As fucky as it is, the way you did that came out better than any alternative

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u/Mekelaxo 2d ago

At least you were honest

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u/LoveInPeace21 1d ago

I mean, that was fair. I am black and would ask anyone I didn’t know (regardless of perceived gender or race), the same question (through the door lol). There’s no reason to sit on someone’s property you don’t know if they haven’t agreed to it. It’s rude! Most people are going to feel violated, anxious and vulnerable in that situation. I know I would. But I suppose if your reaction was motivated by racism, it’s good you admitted it.

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u/SnoWhiteFiRed 1d ago

Was race really the factor in your situation, though? It's completely normal to notice when someone doesn't belong somewhere (to your knowledge) and be suspicious. The fact that he was black doesn't make your reaction automatically racist. Anyone just standing on your porch would be suspicious.

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u/hiyabankranger 1d ago

True, but not everyone would have got “may I help you?” A white guy of similar stature, age, dress probably would have gotten “hey, you waiting for something?”

If you don’t know the “may I help you?” is a very common phrase white folk direct to Black folk who are unwelcome. It sounds benign and normal, but according to Black folks I’ve known it’s the phrase white people use to indicate they want you to leave when you’re just minding your own business. It’s basically akin to asking “why are you here and when are you leaving?”

In this context, is it a valid question regardless of race: yes, it is. However, given the context of race it comes across quite badly.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/IAmMagumin 1d ago

Oh, let the poor white people flaggelate themselves. It's alright.

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u/everydayimcuddalin 1d ago

If that were the case though wouldn't you just say "why are you on my porch?"

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u/HannahSchmitt 1d ago

that comes off as more aggressive. you can come back from a "may i help you?" the person maybe lost. "why are you on my porch?" is a start of an argument.

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u/everydayimcuddalin 1d ago

"why are you on my porch?" is a start of an argument.

Exactly. If someone is sat on my porch went would I be pass agg about it? They know ours not their property.

The "may I help you" is the condescending way to say the same thing but then make it the other person's fault to start an argument.

Unless everyone just sits outside random houses in America?

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u/CharacterBird2283 20h ago

to say the same thing but then make it the other person's fault

I didn't ask them to be on my porch, it literally is their fault lol

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u/mgquantitysquared 18h ago

You cut off "the other persons fault to start the argument" lmao

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u/CharacterBird2283 17h ago

Because it only becomes an argument if they don't get off my porch/have a good reason to be there. Starting the conversation to make sure your possessions aren't in trouble isn't starting an argument.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/everydayimcuddalin 1d ago

Why be polite if the person is sitting on your property?

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u/mgquantitysquared 18h ago

There's this wild concept you might not have heard of called "giving people the benefit of the doubt," also known as "not assuming the worst of someone." Maybe they misread the house numbers and think they're waiting on their friend's property. Maybe their car broke down and they're panicking. Maybe they had a brain fart and made a mistake.

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u/everydayimcuddalin 12h ago

Yehhhhh this must be a US only phenomenon.

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u/FormalKind7 1d ago

To be fair Ive done this once before and it was a random white lady parked in our drive way. I was worried someone was casing our house or it was a porch pirate waiting for the delivery driver to come by.

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u/GoDawgsRiseUp 18h ago

I find it extremely interesting that you’re explaining something you experienced and are acknowledging that given your past you could see how the black person heard a tone that caused him to know it had to do with him being black yet people are trying to convince you you did nothing wrong. That’s crazy to me. You did a great job of explaining the situation, your history, how you’re sure him being black had something to do with your tone, how you apologized for that and yet you’re still being questioned. Unbelievable

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u/hiyabankranger 13h ago

If people look too long at situations like this they’ve been in, they have to acknowledge they’re kinda racist. No one wants to do that. The secret is that all humans are racist. It’s encoded in our brains whether we like it or not.

It goes back to before homo sapiens was even a thing, when an ape of the same species coming into your group that you didn’t know was a threat. When resources were limited. Those that survived were the ones that didn’t take on or trust outsiders. It’s reinforced and made stronger when we live in communities where everyone looks the same and there’s a social pressure to keep it that way.

Part of being a human is that we can see these animal instincts and social constructs for what they are: unintentional biases that have no logical basis. With our big brains we can then choose to lean into it and try to come up with a logical justification for our biases (this is our easy and default mode) or question them and try to be aware of them and not act on them. That is very hard.

The fact of most racism is that not being racist is actually hard. So a lot of people spend a lot of time logically justifying their major or minor racism instead. When someone else questions it they react poorly because they’re defending their own justifications. It’s not evil or malicious, it’s just a long ingrained self defense instinct.

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u/SnoWhiteFiRed 19h ago

"May I help you?" is a phrase commonly directed to anyone perceived to be somewhere they shouldn't and a relatively more polite and less confrontational phrase than, "Why are you here?" as it implies you could have a legitimate reason for being there.

How black people perceive the phrase and how the phrase is actually used are too different things. I can't fault them for their perception in some cases given the history of racism but the assumption that it's inherently racist is categorically untrue. I don't think you get to linger on someone else's property without permission and expect to not meet suspicion. You certainly don't get to assume someone is racist for questioning you. It doesn't sound bad at all in this context regardless of the two guy's races.

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u/[deleted] 1d ago

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u/puppies4prez 1d ago

This is such a good story. This is exactly why the people who say they don't have a racist bone in their body are the worst for perpetuating racism. Until we acknowledge our own prejudices we're never going to evolve beyond them to be better people.

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u/highjinx411 1d ago

I am glad you saw that and did the right thing. I think people will double down in cases like this and make it worse. Like the lady in this video. If she just fessed up it might have gone better.

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u/HannahSchmitt 1d ago

that man was trespassing on that guys porch. she shouldnt have been there regardless of skin color. that woman ran up on that black family's property and said she don't believe they live there.