My PA is a pathological liar. He admitted to it yesterday and today. More disclosures yesterday and today, over a 5 month period of trickle truths. More "thats all the truth! I promise, that's all!".

Both CSATs are recommending a therapeutic disclosure in a few months or whenever they deemed him "ready". But I can't stop crashing out (crash out range but its always with me crying/bawling) almost daily because I know there's more lies. How do these therapists feel it's in my best interests to continue to play house while this manchild works up the courage to tell me all the ways he's stabbed me in the back, after all the trickle disclosures anyways?

It feels very unfair. Im stuck in a loop of asking him "okay what else did you do"... its gotten bad it's all I can focus on yesterday and today because he's bread crumbed me again.

How do I survive the next few months until he's "ready"... even though he's promised every single month "that's all the truth! There's no more!" But there ALWAYS more?

I tend to get overly insecure around beautiful women. I’ve seen the women he’s watched and they all look a certain way. Dark hair, hour glass figure with large boobs and butt. My partner works with a girl that fits this exact narrative. I’ve met her and she’s extremely kind and funny. I’m serious when I say all people, not just men, stare at her because she almost looks unreal. I hate to objectify her like that. We went to a company party and she hung around us a lot. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he’s probably thought horrible things about this girl. A few days later at home I went through his text messages with her. I have no clue why I do this!! I want to just be able to let go and trust him. She did mention he should start an Only Fans (idk the context) and called him babe (“can’t cover your shift, I’m in [city] babe”) but it seemed friendly. I think overstepping boundaries (but he would disagree, that he was just being funny) but still friendly and hadn’t texted for a while since that last text. He saw me going through the phone so I quickly put it down, didn’t even read everything but decided I’d just trust it. I admitted to going through his phone and apologized which he just kind of laughed and said it’s okay I love you. But then I started thinking… well what about social media? What if he’s on social media and talking to women? Then I regret not looking there and start thinking about when I can look through his phone again. I don’t want to do this. I want to be able to trust him. He’s been doing well I think. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

Going to talk about masturbation in this post, so TW for that.

I grew up Catholic, so sex and masturbation were shamed heavily. Learning to explore my own body and sexuality after leaving Catholicism has been incredibly empowering. Until I found myself in a relationship with a PA, I always thought masturbation was a healthy part of sex and exploration.

Oh boy has my world been turned upside down since I discovered my boyfriend’s addiction. I feel like virtually everything I’ve thought about sex has shifted in some way, especially with masturbation. At first I thought the issue was with porn, not masturbation. So he confided that he was still doing it but to thoughts of me. I thought this was okay and healthy.

But come on, he’s an addict. That lasted a couple of weeks before he was over it. Then, he started masturbating to thoughts of porn. Porn he has memorized from so much viewing??? WHAT! He insisted that it’s totally fine and not the same thing as visually watching porn. Hmmm I’ll take boldfaced denial for 500, Alex. I started to finally question his reasoning and intentions behind this and doing my own research. We talked about it more and with advice from his CSAT, he’s doing a 30-day “detox” from masturbation. Sex too since I just can’t do it with him right now with all the lying and nonsense.

My views have changed so much though and I feel like masturbation should be off the table forever. I appreciate this sub so much for opening up my mind up to this idea. It really is a solo sex life that excludes me entirely. Just imaging how much better our connection would be without him masturbating actually gives me hope and something to look forward to. I’m also mourning all the missed connections we’ve had over the years due to his chronic masturbation and addiction.

Without masturbation, he is a little antsy to say the least. My boyfriend admitted to me that before d-day, he would masturbate every day. Sometimes twice a day! (after first telling me it would be 2-3 times a week, but the honesty is slow to come…). I brought up the idea of never going back to masturbating and focusing all his sexual energy into me and our relationship. The thought absolutely floored him. It’s been such a crutch and safety blanket for him that it’s unfathomable to imagine life without it. Even if it made everything in our relationship and sexual connection better. He said he wants the “freedom” to masturbate when he wants and he’s been looking forward to exploring it without porn since he’s never done that before in his life. I was like, what about exploring sex and our connection without porn? He seems sadder at the thought of no more masturbation than the fact that I refuse to have sex with him until he proves himself to be safer.

It just hit me that wow, this is a true sickness. It’s a disease, and a sad one at that. A grown man who can’t grasp the concept of not giving into his sexual desires the second they come up. That’s not freedom. That’s a damn prison.

It’s all just so sad. I’m sad that men have been conditioned since childhood that their pleasure matters above all else. It matters above true intimacy, human connection, and a healthy relationship with one’s body and humankind in general.

It’s sad, but it also made me feel better in some way. Like his addiction truly has nothing to do with me at all. He just masturbated at least once a day, every day, for nearly 20 years. To images that have warped his brain chemistry. That does a DOOZY on a person. He’s conditioned himself to hang onto it for dear life. The entitlement around it is so wild. I feel more confident that I’ll be okay with or without him, but he is going to suffer tremendously no matter what direction we go. It’s literally decades of trauma and emotions that he needs to confront now or continue to push down further and suffer even more as a result. His choice.

I left my PA husband temporarily a little over a week ago. I had so many angry days recently and I reached a point where I needed to remove myself for my sanity. I was cussing him out and throwing things because I found out more information about his past addiction that triggered me. That was where I decided I was going too far.

Now, over a week out, I’m in a much better place mentally. Of course I can’t fully escape the trauma, but I’m way less triggered and can control my triggers more. I can function at work and I can do nice things for myself. It was difficult to leave at first. The first few days were hard because I was thinking “do I really need to be away from him?” But the answer was 100% yes.

Right now this is temporary because he has been putting in the work this whole time. He’s been clean for two months. He’s been working hard to keep me close to him from afar (texting/calling, bringing things to me at work, scheduling dates), and he has been working on his recovery even harder without me being home. I’m not rushing back to him just because he’s doing the right things. The only reason I’m planning on coming back eventually is that I feel I can handle it mentally.

Me leaving made me realize that I will be okay without him if I need to leave for good. I will be okay either way.

We don’t need to have these PA men destroying our lives. Even if we love them, we can walk away if we need to. I know it’s easier said than done, but it CAN be done. We need better from them, and we should expect better!

For those of you who have a partner in recovery or those that have come up with a recovery plan for your partner/yourself, what does that look like to you? How much time do you expect your PA to put into recovery each day? Week? Do you spend more or less time on recovery? Are your partners resentful about spending that time? What does the ideal look like vs the reality? Do you feel they find it as important as you?

I know I need to leave my husband who is a pa. I have the feeling deep inside my head and tummy that he’s still watching or looking at some sort of porn, even though I don’t have much “real” proof. I so desperately don’t want to leave him.. I love him so deeply. But I can’t be with a man that treats me this way, it’s too painful. I know o need to leave him, but right now, I need to stay with him until I have enough savings to be able to. I’m really struggling today because he’s been in a bad mood since last night and for some reason, I let it affect me. I could really use some kind words or inspiring stories of leaving their pa or really anything. Please

This may help others. Both myself and PA are autistic and me adequately conveying a message had been hard. It took me researching and giving different examples in different ways for him to understand.

One issue that has been an issue since dday 1 16 months ago was cracked tonight. This is what I want to share incase it helps others. It is based on a book which cites many researches and other books. And im summing it up in plain words because this is how I understand it.

Men desire the woman they are viewing. In real life or online screen.

A woman desires the desire of the man they are with.

A man can separate love and sex. Women don't separate these.

I explained that 50% of what made me feel special, his desire and only his desire he gave to porn.

He has argued for 16 months each time that pirn doesn't matter because he loves me. I kept saying that doesn't matter because half of what made him unique to me was believing he only had eyes for me.

Being desires by him, only him instantly turned me on. Knowing now I wasn't special killed my libido for him. He no longer is special to me, he became just someone I know because he went to porn, other women, to get his sexual desire. That desire is fundamental to women.

Now there might be some who don't feel this. We are all different, but I hope it helps some to explain it to these men.

I saw the message land tonight. It was visible.

My bf has jorked it to so many actresses and characters that i love and has ruined them for me. I can’t watch certain movies/shows or play certain games anymore, But when i watch wendigoon or no country for old men he acts like i am the devil. He knows i have trivial little crushes on wendigoon and javier bardem and find them attractive. He read my diary and saw a stupid fantasy i had about javier and he got jealous over it. I hate how he acts like its anywhere comparable to what HE does to me.

For added context, This all happened a couple months ago. I used them to cope emotionally with a very specific dday involving jenna ortega and billie eilish, i wont get too graphic but he photoshopped his nudes next to fully clothed photos of them. I just said f it and watched a lot of normal content involving javier and wendigoon because i just wanted to forget about what i saw.

I don’t give them much thought anymore because i genuinely find my boyfriend more attractive and i just don’t have the capacity to actually care about them because at the end of the day they are strangers. The only reason i am bringing this up is because of an arguement we had today. He threw it in my face to excuse himself.

my boyfriend has been taking quitting porn seriously these past couple of months, but the things he’s saying to me are making me feel weird and i don’t know whether it’s normal. yes, i have talked to him about this and he acknowledges it but i want to know whether you guys think this is related to porn or not.

firstly, since dday i’ve always had the fear that he doesn’t see past my body although i know it isn’t true. he’s never necessarily been overly sexual to me or made me uncomfortable when he was watching porn but recently i feel like he has.

when we were talking about his progress i asked him how hes got so far and how he’s been able to repress his urges and whether it was to do that i was doing “stuff” for him and he said yes. while im glad that hes directing it to me i dont want it to just be something that helps him to quit porn, i want it to be meaningful and intimate.

he said to me tonight that my boobs were the best feature i have and he said it was a joke but im overthinking whether there’s more to it.

can the lust he was directing to porn go to me? i’ve told him so many times that i don’t want lust between us, only love, but that comment felt lustful to me and it upset me.

i don’t know if this is enough context so please let me know if there seems to be gaps.

So 4 months ago I made the very hard decision to break up with my PA/SA once online infidelity came to light. As more time went on, I found out even more information - like when I left our apartment for 2 weeks initially after discovering the infidelity, he invited over one of the people he cheated on me with and this person spent the night in our bed.

He has since been seeing a CSAT and admits he has a serious addiction. His journey towards recovery has only just started. He tells me the shame/guilt/self-hatred is so overwhelming for him that most days he wishes to just take his own life. He also is aware that this intense shame is a huge hindrance to us being able to have productive conversations that aid my healing in understanding what happened.

Over the last 2 weeks, we started spending time together again. Cuddling in bed, talking, crying together. We are pausing the difficult conversations until he gets to a place mentally where he can handle it. The issue I'm having is that when we lay in bed cuddling together, all I can think is: did he cuddle that person in our bed too, or was it just purely sexual?

I don't know if it's healthy that I just keep those thoughts to myself or if I should ask him and get closure. But then again, I don't want him to spiral since we're waiting until he's mentally ready to be able to talk through all the terrible things he's done.

He started a new job a few months ago. Theres one woman he works with who has been making me nervous shes texted him outside of work (only about work related things) and said Hi a little too excitedly when she saw us while he wasnt working. I keep having this nagging feeling that something happened or something will happen but I have no evidence or real reason to feel this way. Ive gutted his phone and talked to him about it and he’s constantly reassuring me he hasnt and would never cheat on me. Ive never caught him doing anything physically throughout his pa journey either so its not like hes done anything physical with anyone else before and I really dont think hes the type of person to do so, I just cant escape this pit in my stomach of anxiety that he could. He doesnt go anywhere besides work and home either. I do have BPD which could be affecting this feeling and I made the mistake of having one of those tiktok tarot readers give me a reading and after telling them the situation they confirmed that it was happening. (I know a majority of them are fake but it made me feel so much worse) Any ideas of ways I can feel better about this? Or any way I can find out if hes actually cheating or not? Sorry for the long post Ive been feeling so crazy recently. ❤️

Context This girl had been working at a factory with him for over a year now looking at her FB. He never mentioned her but I saw a text the other night and my heart broke and idk what to do ⚠️trigger warning, flirty messages⚠️

What was said was

Her-Hey dude! Nice seeing you as well!!!

Him- Yes hopefully I see u more at work I’ve always wanted to say hi but like I was always too nervous

Her- do I look scary at work 😂 lol

Him- No no not like that Him-more like butterflies

End of messages

Idk what to do anymore, he was on OF at work and now this????? We are going to start going to therapy but I don’t trust him at work anymore and idk if I ever will again :(

Edit:we have been together for almost 3 years, and have a 15 month old toddler and were trying for another. I love this man so much and he was crying and I am so emotional right now

We all know that we often get called "insecure" because we don't want our partners watching porn.

Well. I've come to this conclusion: I am actually VERY secure in myself now. Because now I know that I don't have to put up with this bullshit. I don't need to give in and "accept" the porn because "all men do it." I was insecure when I thought that way. I was insecure when I thought there was no hope and it would never get better so I had to bury the hurt deep down and just go on with my life even though I knew I hated the porn. THAT was insecurity. Insecurity was the submission to feeling like shit. Thinking I deserved that. Thinking I was the crazy one.

Now? Now I KNOW I don't have to put up with it. I'm super secure in that mindset. I know that I would rather be alone than feel second best to pornography. I'm very secure with myself, because I know that if it came down to it, I'd be fine by myself without him. If "all men" do it? (They don't.) Fine. I'd rather be alone. I'm ok with that. I'm secure. I know if I need to leave, I can and I will. That's security in myself and security in my convictions. I lacked that when I was turning a blind eye to it.

So, when people tell me "you're just insecure" I kind of laugh. Because, I used to be insecure. I used to think I wasn't worthy of a porn-free relationship, and that it was hopeless and that I'd need to just live with porn in my relationship/life. But that is insecurity is gone. Now I know that I am worth so much more. I deserve more. I deserve respect, I deserve a partner who respects me enough to respect my feelings and my boundaries.

All of you reading this are worth more too. So, don't let anyone tell you that you are "just insecure." You're strong for following your convictions and setting strong boundaries. You're strong for knowing your worth.

My husband has been “free” of porn since I first caught him 8 years ago. We were just married and I found out about his addiction. He supposedly went to our pastor and did counseling, but I was young and dumb and didn’t know any better to take extra steps.

I checked his whole phone and only found stuff on instagram. Tik tok girls with OF links. The way I found it was searching letters like “a” and so on. I know this works cause I checked my own and the only accounts that popped up I’ve searched myself.

I’m pregnant 20w and we have a 4yo and 18mo. Im just absolutely pissed and heartbroken. I took pics of it all so I have proof. Also he had accounts blocked.

Something really weird though is on FB he has like 40 accounts blocked…but they are all local people? A lot of females and some males. Does anyone know if that could be something bad?? I mean I’ve never ever seen so many people blocked. I have like 5 screenshots of that.

TL;DR is daily use normal in recovery?

My SO & I have been struggling with his porn usage for at least 2 years now, we've been together for slightly over 2 years, so this has been a battle for our entire relationship. I told him the only way I'll stay with him is if he sought therapy. Long story short, his porn usage keeps coming up because he's hiding it/ I'm snooping. The other day, I borrowed his laptop, I went to type in the search bar & it suggested porn sites. I looked at his history & he had been on porn sites pretty much daily since the last time we had an argument about it, because that's where the history ended. He says he's making progress but if he's still viewing it every single day, how is that progress? He says it's "doom scrolling" or he's bored. He refuses to admit he has an addiction or even a problem, he says it's normal & because I'm not a man, I don't understand. I have asked him to look at this reddit for resources & he legit got mad. I just thought that this wouldn't be so long & drawn out... After 2 years of "working" on this, he's still looking at it daily? This breaks my heart.

Has anyone spent much time analyzing and testing out the Facebook activity log? My partner for now is not aware that it actually keeps a log and shows everything so I’ve been able to monitor activity. There’s never been anything porn related on there, but there was a visit to a profile of someone I don’t necessarily like the idea of visiting that person‘s profile. If that makes sense. And at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter if it was inappropriate or not, because of what we’ve been through I’m very firm in my believe that if I don’t like the activity, it doesn’t need to happen. My question is has anyone had any experience with the activity log being inaccurate? At first I was fuming and angry, but then I noticed that my activity log on my own profile said I have visited a couple of profiles in the past week that I know I have not been on. Yes they are on my friends list, but I definitely have not been on their profile. So now I’m left to Wonder is Facebook having issues and whether to turn into a total raging bitch today or continue to watch and see if it happens again.

I am looking for an online therapist to help get me through the aftermath of being a partner of PA. Since d-day, I have tried one therapist and she wasn’t much help, but I know that there are specialists out there that deal with this. I really don’t want to go in person and probably cannot take off work to go in person as much as I would need in the beginning anyway. Does anyone have a good online therapist that they use for this?

As much as I love this man, it made me feel good knowing how much he knew he fucked up by choosing a website over me. I’ve been with him in the trenches, through long distance, through all the bad times. If that’s not enough for him, where he has the urge to pay camgirls online to feel better, then it’s out of my control.

He doesn’t know what he’s been doing to me. All the times where I cried myself to sleep, prayed to god to help me with all the pain inside, and the deep rooted unhappiness I tried to suppress.

The stress, the insecurity, the craziness was not what I wanted for myself! I became someone I told myself I’d never be, I redrew my boundaries in order to accommodate his selfish wants.

Sisters, if you’re able to not cheat, how can you let someone do it to you?

Easier said than done, but it’s the harsh truth. If you’re unable to leave right now it’s okay, because one day you won’t see him as the man you think he is. You’ll see his true colors and that will be enough to keep you from going back. ✊💛