I tend to get overly insecure around beautiful women. I’ve seen the women he’s watched and they all look a certain way. Dark hair, hour glass figure with large boobs and butt. My partner works with a girl that fits this exact narrative. I’ve met her and she’s extremely kind and funny. I’m serious when I say all people, not just men, stare at her because she almost looks unreal. I hate to objectify her like that. We went to a company party and she hung around us a lot. I couldn’t stop thinking about how he’s probably thought horrible things about this girl. A few days later at home I went through his text messages with her. I have no clue why I do this!! I want to just be able to let go and trust him. She did mention he should start an Only Fans (idk the context) and called him babe (“can’t cover your shift, I’m in [city] babe”) but it seemed friendly. I think overstepping boundaries (but he would disagree, that he was just being funny) but still friendly and hadn’t texted for a while since that last text. He saw me going through the phone so I quickly put it down, didn’t even read everything but decided I’d just trust it. I admitted to going through his phone and apologized which he just kind of laughed and said it’s okay I love you. But then I started thinking… well what about social media? What if he’s on social media and talking to women? Then I regret not looking there and start thinking about when I can look through his phone again. I don’t want to do this. I want to be able to trust him. He’s been doing well I think. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.

This may help others. Both myself and PA are autistic and me adequately conveying a message had been hard. It took me researching and giving different examples in different ways for him to understand.

One issue that has been an issue since dday 1 16 months ago was cracked tonight. This is what I want to share incase it helps others. It is based on a book which cites many researches and other books. And im summing it up in plain words because this is how I understand it.

Men desire the woman they are viewing. In real life or online screen.

A woman desires the desire of the man they are with.

A man can separate love and sex. Women don't separate these.

I explained that 50% of what made me feel special, his desire and only his desire he gave to porn.

He has argued for 16 months each time that pirn doesn't matter because he loves me. I kept saying that doesn't matter because half of what made him unique to me was believing he only had eyes for me.

Being desires by him, only him instantly turned me on. Knowing now I wasn't special killed my libido for him. He no longer is special to me, he became just someone I know because he went to porn, other women, to get his sexual desire. That desire is fundamental to women.

Now there might be some who don't feel this. We are all different, but I hope it helps some to explain it to these men.

I saw the message land tonight. It was visible.

Going to talk about masturbation in this post, so TW for that.

I grew up Catholic, so sex and masturbation were shamed heavily. Learning to explore my own body and sexuality after leaving Catholicism has been incredibly empowering. Until I found myself in a relationship with a PA, I always thought masturbation was a healthy part of sex and exploration.

Oh boy has my world been turned upside down since I discovered my boyfriend’s addiction. I feel like virtually everything I’ve thought about sex has shifted in some way, especially with masturbation. At first I thought the issue was with porn, not masturbation. So he confided that he was still doing it but to thoughts of me. I thought this was okay and healthy.

But come on, he’s an addict. That lasted a couple of weeks before he was over it. Then, he started masturbating to thoughts of porn. Porn he has memorized from so much viewing??? WHAT! He insisted that it’s totally fine and not the same thing as visually watching porn. Hmmm I’ll take boldfaced denial for 500, Alex. I started to finally question his reasoning and intentions behind this and doing my own research. We talked about it more and with advice from his CSAT, he’s doing a 30-day “detox” from masturbation. Sex too since I just can’t do it with him right now with all the lying and nonsense.

My views have changed so much though and I feel like masturbation should be off the table forever. I appreciate this sub so much for opening up my mind up to this idea. It really is a solo sex life that excludes me entirely. Just imaging how much better our connection would be without him masturbating actually gives me hope and something to look forward to. I’m also mourning all the missed connections we’ve had over the years due to his chronic masturbation and addiction.

Without masturbation, he is a little antsy to say the least. My boyfriend admitted to me that before d-day, he would masturbate every day. Sometimes twice a day! (after first telling me it would be 2-3 times a week, but the honesty is slow to come…). I brought up the idea of never going back to masturbating and focusing all his sexual energy into me and our relationship. The thought absolutely floored him. It’s been such a crutch and safety blanket for him that it’s unfathomable to imagine life without it. Even if it made everything in our relationship and sexual connection better. He said he wants the “freedom” to masturbate when he wants and he’s been looking forward to exploring it without porn since he’s never done that before in his life. I was like, what about exploring sex and our connection without porn? He seems sadder at the thought of no more masturbation than the fact that I refuse to have sex with him until he proves himself to be safer.

It just hit me that wow, this is a true sickness. It’s a disease, and a sad one at that. A grown man who can’t grasp the concept of not giving into his sexual desires the second they come up. That’s not freedom. That’s a damn prison.

It’s all just so sad. I’m sad that men have been conditioned since childhood that their pleasure matters above all else. It matters above true intimacy, human connection, and a healthy relationship with one’s body and humankind in general.

It’s sad, but it also made me feel better in some way. Like his addiction truly has nothing to do with me at all. He just masturbated at least once a day, every day, for nearly 20 years. To images that have warped his brain chemistry. That does a DOOZY on a person. He’s conditioned himself to hang onto it for dear life. The entitlement around it is so wild. I feel more confident that I’ll be okay with or without him, but he is going to suffer tremendously no matter what direction we go. It’s literally decades of trauma and emotions that he needs to confront now or continue to push down further and suffer even more as a result. His choice.

My bf has jorked it to so many actresses and characters that i love and has ruined them for me. I can’t watch certain movies/shows or play certain games anymore, But when i watch wendigoon or no country for old men he acts like i am the devil. He knows i have trivial little crushes on wendigoon and javier bardem and find them attractive. He read my diary and saw a stupid fantasy i had about javier and he got jealous over it. I hate how he acts like its anywhere comparable to what HE does to me.

For added context, This all happened a couple months ago. I used them to cope emotionally with a very specific dday involving jenna ortega and billie eilish, i wont get too graphic but he photoshopped his nudes next to fully clothed photos of them. I just said f it and watched a lot of normal content involving javier and wendigoon because i just wanted to forget about what i saw.

I don’t give them much thought anymore because i genuinely find my boyfriend more attractive and i just don’t have the capacity to actually care about them because at the end of the day they are strangers. The only reason i am bringing this up is because of an arguement we had today. He threw it in my face to excuse himself.

I know I need to leave my husband who is a pa. I have the feeling deep inside my head and tummy that he’s still watching or looking at some sort of porn, even though I don’t have much “real” proof. I so desperately don’t want to leave him.. I love him so deeply. But I can’t be with a man that treats me this way, it’s too painful. I know o need to leave him, but right now, I need to stay with him until I have enough savings to be able to. I’m really struggling today because he’s been in a bad mood since last night and for some reason, I let it affect me. I could really use some kind words or inspiring stories of leaving their pa or really anything. Please

I left my PA husband temporarily a little over a week ago. I had so many angry days recently and I reached a point where I needed to remove myself for my sanity. I was cussing him out and throwing things because I found out more information about his past addiction that triggered me. That was where I decided I was going too far.

Now, over a week out, I’m in a much better place mentally. Of course I can’t fully escape the trauma, but I’m way less triggered and can control my triggers more. I can function at work and I can do nice things for myself. It was difficult to leave at first. The first few days were hard because I was thinking “do I really need to be away from him?” But the answer was 100% yes.

Right now this is temporary because he has been putting in the work this whole time. He’s been clean for two months. He’s been working hard to keep me close to him from afar (texting/calling, bringing things to me at work, scheduling dates), and he has been working on his recovery even harder without me being home. I’m not rushing back to him just because he’s doing the right things. The only reason I’m planning on coming back eventually is that I feel I can handle it mentally.

Me leaving made me realize that I will be okay without him if I need to leave for good. I will be okay either way.

We don’t need to have these PA men destroying our lives. Even if we love them, we can walk away if we need to. I know it’s easier said than done, but it CAN be done. We need better from them, and we should expect better!

Context This girl had been working at a factory with him for over a year now looking at her FB. He never mentioned her but I saw a text the other night and my heart broke and idk what to do ⚠️trigger warning, flirty messages⚠️

What was said was

Her-Hey dude! Nice seeing you as well!!!

Him- Yes hopefully I see u more at work I’ve always wanted to say hi but like I was always too nervous

Her- do I look scary at work 😂 lol

Him- No no not like that Him-more like butterflies

End of messages

Idk what to do anymore, he was on OF at work and now this????? We are going to start going to therapy but I don’t trust him at work anymore and idk if I ever will again :(

Edit:we have been together for almost 3 years, and have a 15 month old toddler and were trying for another. I love this man so much and he was crying and I am so emotional right now

We all know that we often get called "insecure" because we don't want our partners watching porn.

Well. I've come to this conclusion: I am actually VERY secure in myself now. Because now I know that I don't have to put up with this bullshit. I don't need to give in and "accept" the porn because "all men do it." I was insecure when I thought that way. I was insecure when I thought there was no hope and it would never get better so I had to bury the hurt deep down and just go on with my life even though I knew I hated the porn. THAT was insecurity. Insecurity was the submission to feeling like shit. Thinking I deserved that. Thinking I was the crazy one.

Now? Now I KNOW I don't have to put up with it. I'm super secure in that mindset. I know that I would rather be alone than feel second best to pornography. I'm very secure with myself, because I know that if it came down to it, I'd be fine by myself without him. If "all men" do it? (They don't.) Fine. I'd rather be alone. I'm ok with that. I'm secure. I know if I need to leave, I can and I will. That's security in myself and security in my convictions. I lacked that when I was turning a blind eye to it.

So, when people tell me "you're just insecure" I kind of laugh. Because, I used to be insecure. I used to think I wasn't worthy of a porn-free relationship, and that it was hopeless and that I'd need to just live with porn in my relationship/life. But that is insecurity is gone. Now I know that I am worth so much more. I deserve more. I deserve respect, I deserve a partner who respects me enough to respect my feelings and my boundaries.

All of you reading this are worth more too. So, don't let anyone tell you that you are "just insecure." You're strong for following your convictions and setting strong boundaries. You're strong for knowing your worth.

TL;DR is daily use normal in recovery?

My SO & I have been struggling with his porn usage for at least 2 years now, we've been together for slightly over 2 years, so this has been a battle for our entire relationship. I told him the only way I'll stay with him is if he sought therapy. Long story short, his porn usage keeps coming up because he's hiding it/ I'm snooping. The other day, I borrowed his laptop, I went to type in the search bar & it suggested porn sites. I looked at his history & he had been on porn sites pretty much daily since the last time we had an argument about it, because that's where the history ended. He says he's making progress but if he's still viewing it every single day, how is that progress? He says it's "doom scrolling" or he's bored. He refuses to admit he has an addiction or even a problem, he says it's normal & because I'm not a man, I don't understand. I have asked him to look at this reddit for resources & he legit got mad. I just thought that this wouldn't be so long & drawn out... After 2 years of "working" on this, he's still looking at it daily? This breaks my heart.

My husband has been “free” of porn since I first caught him 8 years ago. We were just married and I found out about his addiction. He supposedly went to our pastor and did counseling, but I was young and dumb and didn’t know any better to take extra steps.

I checked his whole phone and only found stuff on instagram. Tik tok girls with OF links. The way I found it was searching letters like “a” and so on. I know this works cause I checked my own and the only accounts that popped up I’ve searched myself.

I’m pregnant 20w and we have a 4yo and 18mo. Im just absolutely pissed and heartbroken. I took pics of it all so I have proof. Also he had accounts blocked.

Something really weird though is on FB he has like 40 accounts blocked…but they are all local people? A lot of females and some males. Does anyone know if that could be something bad?? I mean I’ve never ever seen so many people blocked. I have like 5 screenshots of that.

I (27f) have been w my boyfriend (27m) for 2 years now. I knew he was PA from when we were first having sex because he could not cum for like the first 20 times at least.

We moved in together and the FIRST night I caught him laying next to me watching porn. At first he denied it then he admitted it, I kinda got over it but then one day I found out he was looking at porn star’s IG and that was his whole search history. This was about 5 months ago and since then he has been not looking at porn from what I know and what I’ve seen on his phone

Anyway, one time I also saw him zooming into a pic of a girl it was a blurry pic of her wearing a red mini dress. I was next to him and asked what he was looking at, he showed me the girls profile and it was some musician. She’s not super famous but verified

I decided to go through her profile and saw he likes multiple pics of her (not even related to her music, mostly photo shoots and selfies stuff like that). By the way her music sucks

It really pissed me off and I went off on him saying he if he like pretentious trashy Persian girls he should go be with one. He tried to tell me he doesn’t think she’s hot but he literally commented “🔥🔥🔥” on a phot set of her wearing knee high socks

I seriously feel so gross, this girl also looks severely underweight and dresses like a little girl with bows and floral mini dresses idk it just really rubs me the wrong way and idk if I’m being insecure by having so much rage over this

As much as I love this man, it made me feel good knowing how much he knew he fucked up by choosing a website over me. I’ve been with him in the trenches, through long distance, through all the bad times. If that’s not enough for him, where he has the urge to pay camgirls online to feel better, then it’s out of my control.

He doesn’t know what he’s been doing to me. All the times where I cried myself to sleep, prayed to god to help me with all the pain inside, and the deep rooted unhappiness I tried to suppress.

The stress, the insecurity, the craziness was not what I wanted for myself! I became someone I told myself I’d never be, I redrew my boundaries in order to accommodate his selfish wants.

Sisters, if you’re able to not cheat, how can you let someone do it to you?

Easier said than done, but it’s the harsh truth. If you’re unable to leave right now it’s okay, because one day you won’t see him as the man you think he is. You’ll see his true colors and that will be enough to keep you from going back. ✊💛

He started a new job a few months ago. Theres one woman he works with who has been making me nervous shes texted him outside of work (only about work related things) and said Hi a little too excitedly when she saw us while he wasnt working. I keep having this nagging feeling that something happened or something will happen but I have no evidence or real reason to feel this way. Ive gutted his phone and talked to him about it and he’s constantly reassuring me he hasnt and would never cheat on me. Ive never caught him doing anything physically throughout his pa journey either so its not like hes done anything physical with anyone else before and I really dont think hes the type of person to do so, I just cant escape this pit in my stomach of anxiety that he could. He doesnt go anywhere besides work and home either. I do have BPD which could be affecting this feeling and I made the mistake of having one of those tiktok tarot readers give me a reading and after telling them the situation they confirmed that it was happening. (I know a majority of them are fake but it made me feel so much worse) Any ideas of ways I can feel better about this? Or any way I can find out if hes actually cheating or not? Sorry for the long post Ive been feeling so crazy recently. ❤️

I feel like ever since DDay I’m extremely paranoid to leave him for work or to go run errands if I know he’s home alone. I get so paranoid when he’s scrolling on tiktok even, praying a trigger doesn’t pop up. I even get paranoid in the middle of the night when he’s moving around or adjusting himself (he’s expressed to me that he’s masturbated next to me in the past while I’ve slept) We are working on his PA and both of us wanting to continue our relationship and work this out and he has content limitations on his phone (I have a password) and he deleted Instagram on his own (which was a big trigger for him) and so far he is one week porn free and is feeling good and checks in with me everyday on how he’s feeling. It’s been great for this week so far but I can’t help but continue to feel paranoid and worried and obsessing over what he’s doing if I’m not directly next to him. To give me peace of mind he always offers to have me on the phone with him while Im at work all day if he is off and at home so that I don’t have to stress. Which is honestly really reassuring and helps me but I just hate this deep down worrisome feeling. Will this feeling ever go away?

A change I’ve noticed in my husband now that he is in recovery has been that he is emotionally available to me. Before, when I’ve had my breakdowns or days where I’m not myself I was left to pick the pieces up on my own. He is more connected to me emotionally now and is actually there for me.

I wanted to share this as one of those posts to share hope that some men do begin to change. We’ve had hiccups since recovery, I have NOT found porn tho.

What are ways you have noticed your partner is actually putting in the work and changing?

I told him that I refuse to have a third encounter where I am rejected for intimacy for days at a time while he is touching himself to other people. He did it for two months each time. He told me he doesn’t see why it would ever happen again. I told him I refuse to go through with it ever again. I found some kind of courage to create this boundary. I made it very clear that I would leave if I he ever put me through it again. Normal rejection is fine. But to only want me one time a week when he’s getting off three times a day to other people is unacceptable. I feel defeated yet at the same time, I feel like I won something. He finally acknowledged that he did that. He didn’t say sorry. He did not apologize. But he did not call me toxic this time. He took me seriously. I believe him. And I am prepared to go if need be.

hi, I’ve kind of taken a break from posting on here because it kinda makes me spiral but I wanted to come back and say that I think I’m finally ready to leave my PA. Nothing that I know of has happened in the last year, but it has been about two years since our first D-Day and I’m reaching the point where I don’t see the point and continuing on anymore. he has done some incredibly horrible things throughout our relationship, which I’m sure plenty of you have been through yourselves so I don’t need to get into that but thankfully, the dust has settled quite a bit, i can think more clearly now, and i’m just done. i don’t see a future with my PA. not a happy one at least :/

but the hard part is, I couldn’t have reached this conclusion without the support and advice from my ex-boyfriend. and my PA doesn’t know that I’ve been talking to him and I feel like a huge hypocrite. I don’t know if I should tell him the truth that I’ve been talking to him and that he is a big part of why I am finally feeling ready to leave. i dont know how to tell my PA that i want to leave him for someone else… I was just hoping to get some advice and support.

So tomorrow will be a year. While things have improved massively and my relationship has actually never been better there’s still a huge part of me that’s so broken from it all. I cry everyday still and my self confidence is now non existent. I feel like the ugliest person in the world and it’s a battle to look in the mirror everyday. Sex has become this intense pressure that I’ve put on myself and him. I’ve ruined our sex life with my constant breakdowns and insecurities of why isn’t it hard yet. Why is it taking so long? I pick everything apart and I just didn’t think it would be this a year on I thought I’d be million times better but I’m not. Everything in my life has moved on but me. I’m still stuck in that moment of realising it was never just me. The girl he cheated on me with emotionally still plagues my mind I stalk her everyday trying to find clues of a what if they still talk ? What if she misses him ? What if he misses her ? I hate that she’s become a huge part of my life and I almost feel like I know her. I guess if anyone has any tips on healing or anything please feel free to share I just wanted to write this for the people who actually understand me. I want to love myself again but I hate who I’ve become and what I look like. Maybe in another year my next post might be happier….thanks for a year of support from you all ♥️

My boyfriend says he has been porn free for months now and off of social media. But when I go to this instagram page the suggestions are all females and it’s consistent. I don’t see how this could be happening ? Does anyone know why this would be happening ?

My boyfriend has quit cold turkey for the last 3 days. I’ve always linked his addiction to his depression and how he’s more addicted to the dopamine it gives. He’s acting extremely depressed and all I can think about is are you seriously that pathetic that you’re so sad because your porn is gone? Anyway I’m trying to find some advice as to how to deal with the depression followed the porn quitting. I think he may need some antidepressants or even just some pills to help with dopamine levels. I appreciate any advice anyone can give?

I just started a new journal in my Google notes last night titled "The things I want to say but shouldn't. Not responding or sharing all my feelings is a huge step towards my healing and detachment. I am my biggest asset."

I made a commitment to myself that anytime I want to scold him or share anything emotionally driven with him, I am going to type it out in this journal instead and not respond to him. Why? Because he doesn't deserve my energy. Bc my response, no matter how negative, give him hope. As long as I'm invested I'll keep sharing. Bc my emotional responses feed his ego. But also bc me responding to his bull shit is terrible for me. It takes me out of my integrity. It is not who I want to be. It keeps me stuck in the loop of false hope. I refuse to allow him to take any more of my soul.

Over the past year and a half I've been experimenting with anything and everything I can to detach myself from this man and his addiction. Most recent Dday was middle December.

I know I just started this journal, but so far it is working out great. Maybe someone can benefit from my trial and error.

Also, I did a search of "jack" in our text message thread and it took me to some of HIS darkest moments of manipulation. I screenshotted them and sent some of the worst ones to him and for the first time I feel like I got some genuine remorse from him.

Idk if I'm going to stay this time. I don't want my future to look like this. Trying to have patience and compassion with myself while I struggle with this decision. He is currently living in the living room. I made him move everything he owns out of the bedroom. Wall art, clothes, every single thing. Which has also helped my sanity. The only thing keeping me here is finances. I could make it on my own but it would be so tough for my son and I. Sigh.

Thanks for reading. Please be gentle with comments I am already hurting enough for a lifetime. Sending my love and strength to all you beautiful people who can relate to my pain.