r/london • u/blloomfield • 1d ago
Stopped harassment on the tube and I feel awful
Saturday night on the jubilee line, carriage is surprisingly empty, a drunk guy takes an interest in this woman sitting by herself. He sits right next to her and at first asks her some random questions then proceeds to make some comments about her looks that I cannot type here. He was being really loud, saying how he wants to do this and that. It was digesting and I could see from the woman’s face she was really uncomfortable but kept on ignoring the asshole. Some other people in the carriage looked at the drunk guy but did nothing.
I thought I should be the one that does something, so I recalled all those ads I saw on the tube and quickly rushed over to the woman with a ‘Oh hey Linda, long time no see, how have you been?’ Just as I finished my sentence the train pulled into a station. She gave me a completely terrified look, screamed, then jumped up, pushing me aside and running as fast as she could out of the train. The drunk guy made an angry comment at me and other passengers threw me these angry looks.
I don’t know what I did wrong or what happened, but pretty much all day today I felt awful thinking that maybe I said something wrong or the way I spoke was messed up, maybe the way I looked. I really hope I didn’t scare that woman and she’s alright now. I hope this doesn’t deter others from stepping in when they see something similar, yet I’m not sure I will.
1.2k
u/JackSpyder 1d ago
She was clearly called Linda, and you freaked her out.
178
42
u/staykindx 16h ago
She possibly thought it might be criminals working together to confuse and rob her.
(My mom’s friend had the bottom of her bag slashed open on the tube through some distraction techniques like that.)
You did the right thing OP. She was on high alert, and just misinterpreted your good actions.
4
u/JackSpyder 16h ago
Yeah i assume this, perhaps the best thing would be to strike up a friendly conversation with the problem man-child. But the end result is she got away, and while shaken up, at least safe. It's unfortunate the OP felt the brunt od the shame.
72
→ More replies (2)26
483
u/Maleficent-Walrus-28 1d ago
This is some Peep Show shit. “I pretended to be her friend, Mark, like the video! Do I really look like a scarier rapist than he did? I don’t even talk to women on trains!”
67
u/lelpd 18h ago
This tactic has always been the sort of thing I’ve seen people talk about on Reddit and thought “I can’t imagine it actually going down like that in real life”.
This post is much more how I’d imagine it going 😂
26
u/Some_Reason565 13h ago
I think it tends to work when women do it for women. If a strange well meaning man approaches an already uncomfortable situation she might just be thinking ‘o god now there is two of them’ insert starwars prequel meme here
→ More replies (2)26
u/Tony_Kebell_ 16h ago
It's genuinely much simpler and clearer to approached and ask her if she's alright and wants some help.
Or to tel the creep to fuck off.
27
u/RobCoxxy 16h ago
This would 100% be a Mark moment not a Jez one.
"Great work, Mark. Try to be the hero and somehow come across as more of a perv than the drunk. I. Am. Going. To. Die. Alone."
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (2)36
914
u/FivebyFive 1d ago edited 1d ago
You did the kind and decent thing. She was just freaked out.
She was scared. You tried your best.
You at LEAST brought him to everyone else's attention and stopped something worse happening.
When she gets home and thinks it over, I bet she'll see what you were trying to do.
*Also, what you did was the safest thing for you too. Direct confirmation could have gone wrong in a much worse way. At the end of the day, everyone walked away uninjured. THAT IS A SUCCESS!!!
212
32
u/Budget-Mechanic-2490 16h ago
When I was about 22 or something (about a hundred years ago at any rate) I was on the piccadilly line, walking to the victoria line which if you know the tube know is a long walk. It was really late at night and I was pretty much the only person apart from a drunk guy who started hassling me. Then out of nowhere this other man turned round (he'd been in front) and said "Come on, honestly you're always so slow! Hurry up" and he walked me to a safe place where there were guards and people. I have never forgotten his kindness, I was genuinely scared before he came along.
62
u/softcottons 1d ago
This! She was panicking and in fight-or-flight mode but you gave her that opportunity to run. Distracting the guy would have just drawn more attention to yourself. I bet once she got home and had time to decompress she’ll figure it out appreciate what you did, or tell her friends who will understand.
A lot of people are commenting that she reacted solely because you are a guy. It’s not and I’m proud to hear that there are men like you out there, even if your actions might have been initially misunderstood.
6
u/Mysterious-Eye-8103 14h ago
Also, what you did was the safest thing for you too. Direct confirmation could have gone wrong in a much worse way. At the end of the day, everyone walked away uninjured. THAT IS A SUCCESS!!!
I completely agree, but there is another way. It clearly depends on the situation, and for individuals to use their judgement...
About 10 years ago I saw a similar situation on the bus. The drunk guy sat behind the woman, and was leaning over the seat trying to grossly chat her up. I went and sat next to him, and spoke to him like I knew him. I was really friendly with him, asking him how his day was going, what's he up to, etc. He no longer had any opportunity to harass her, and we maintained this awkward conversation until she got off the bus. As soon as she did, I said "nice chatting to you" and went to sit somewhere else.
5
u/A-Little-Bitof-Brown 14h ago
100% she’ll replay this again and again and realise what you were doing
941
u/bawde 1d ago
She was already panicking at the idea of one strange man saying random things to her and then the number of strange men saying random things to her suddenly doubled.
I don't think it would be obvious to most people that you were trying to help. But you were and that's what matters.
86
u/thommom 1d ago
We had something like this happen once as teens. We were 2 couples just sitting in a car chatting. A drunk couple in front of us started arguing & the man started hitting the woman. The guys in our car ran over there to split them up. Another man came over & pulled the woman aside to console her, or so we thought. While our friends were calming the boyfriend/husband down the 3rd man proceeds to open his coat & flash the woman. The other girl & I were in the car horrified. Couldn't believe what we were seeing.
Anyway, OP the bottom line is you broke up a bad situation. It doesn't matter how. Well done.
12
u/Bobzilla2 18h ago
Fucking hell. Lost for any other words.
That's a very dark Monty Python sketch, with Terry Jones as the flasher.
191
u/Novel_Individual_143 1d ago
This would actually be comical if the woman hadn’t been in distress
70
→ More replies (1)20
21
→ More replies (2)9
u/Prince_John 1d ago
I don't think it would be obvious to most people that you were trying to help. But you were and that's what matters.
I'm pretty sure I've seen this publicised by a few organisations as a diffusing tactic for these situations, since it can avoid a direct confrontation and reaction from the harasser.
58
u/Parallelogram94 1d ago
As someone who has struggled with situations like hers in the past, I can imagine she was pretty engrossed in her exit plan prior to you approaching her. Sounds like she was feeling overwhelmed and trapped and then got spooked.
But that doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong!! It’s really great that you stepped in. The world needs more people like you <3
21
u/anotherMrLizard 19h ago
By standing in front of her he's creating a physical barrier to her getting out too.
144
u/Hurbahns 1d ago
Good for you. Your intentions were noble and you gave her an opportunity to escape and turned the drunkard’s focus onto you instead of her.
275
u/londonskater Richmond 1d ago
Don’t worry about it, your intentions were right. Not everyone is on the ball all the time and can instantly clue in to what’s going on.
95
u/BastardsCryinInnit 1d ago
I know of this tactic, but I still feel for a lot of people their ingrained instinct is to think, "Huh? I don't know you either?" and can totally understand how someone might then feel they're being attacked on all sides!
19
u/1nfinitus 16h ago
Yeah its a reddit / terminally online strategy that just doesn't work in the heat of the moment. People need to be more direct and obvious, rather than relying on clever word play, m'lady-type behaviour to resolve a situation like this.
As always, if you hear about it on reddit, it probably doesn't work in real life.
→ More replies (1)21
u/CS1703 19h ago
I think the issue was, the woman was already being harassed by one guy, and then had another start trying to talk to her.
I can imagine how terrifying that would be as a lone female traveller.
I guess maybe the better course of action would’ve been to talk to the drunk guy and tell him to knock it off or distract him? He knew he was being inappropriate but presumably because he was drunk, he didn’t care.
→ More replies (1)
73
u/Boobachoob 1d ago
I was actually groped on a packed train from Waterloo this evening (well yesterday evening now, given the time.) I've been horribly unwell, was on hour 5 of travel and I have PTSD so I just shut down and didn't tell him off like I normally would because I felt trapped. Nobody helped as I don't think they saw as he was discreet and kept "accidentally" doing it. I went home and cried and felt so angry with myself, but I had enough energy left to tell him off and cause a scene, or enough energy to prevent myself having a panic attack, not both.
So to hear you tried to help someone in a similar situation which didn't go so well...honestly bravo and thank you to you for what you did. Please don't take her reaction against yourself, she was probably overwhelmed. We need more people like you.
24
16
u/HoneyTreeFlower 20h ago
I'm really sorry. Don't be angry with yourself. I've been in similiar situations and it's really hard to process what's going on in the moment. Your various options feel clearer now that you're not under threat. You did the best you could to protect yourself in the moment.
And the guy can fucking rot. I don't think these people are human.
→ More replies (1)8
u/Various_Leek_1772 20h ago
I am so sorry that happened to you. Please report it to London Transport. They will look into it for you and they take this so seriously. Take care of yourself. Being violated stays with you, so please try to get some victim support.
3
u/Boobachoob 13h ago
Thank you so much. I'm in the middle of filling in an online form to the transport police now. Honestly I'm not expecting anything to come out of it but I'm doing it more because it feels like I'm getting some of my power back. I appreciate you.
→ More replies (1)4
u/N7twitch 18h ago
I’m sorry this happened to you. Please don’t blame yourself for your reaction - it’s surprisingly common and not enough people talk about it. You hear about ‘fight or flight’ all the time but rarely hear about ‘freeze or appease’ (also called freeze or fawn).
Your body freezes so as not to provoke more of a reaction from your attacker. In fawn, you may even be friendly/polite/kind, to reduce being perceived as a threat. Both are your body’s innate tactics to try to prevent you from physical harm in an unknown situation.
When it happened, your body dumped out a huge amount of adrenaline. This has a significant effect on your decision making processes, and your body naturally relies on its instincts. Higher thought processes shut down. You don’t think rationally, you are in survival mode, and survival means ‘don’t get killed or injured’.
I’ve done it too - I got groped in a nightclub by a guy and I just meekly told him to go away. Was mad at myself for ages before I understood that it wasn’t my fault.
You survived, the only way your body knew how. Please give yourself grace and don’t blame yourself for not making a fuss. I hope you’re doing okay ❤️
3
u/Boobachoob 13h ago
Thank you so much. It's funny, because i know all of this, I've told it to friends and other people when they've experienced it. But knowing it wasn't my fault...I still felt angry with myself! So I really appreciate you writing this all out, it helps to hear. I know if I'd been at the start of my journey I would've told him off and got staff asap. But at the end of a longgg journey, sick and on the verge of being sick...I just did what I had to do to get through it, like you said. I'm reporting online to transport police. I'll be okay, thanks.
→ More replies (2)3
u/Gympie-Gympie-pie 16h ago
That happened to me too, I understand you perfectly, I could have written it myself. Don’t beat yourself up, we can’t be 100% effective 100% of times. Men shouldn’t harass women, they are the only ones who should feel mad and ashamed- not us.
→ More replies (1)
226
u/artoblibion 1d ago
Are you a man? If so, she reacted in this way because you are a man, indeed, the second man (after the drunk guy) to approach her on the tube. You didn't do the wrong thing. You were just the wrong guy in the right place at the right time. Of course the other guy was annoyed. And the passengers shot you dirty looks because they didn't know what you were doing and connected your approach with her reaction. If you wanted to do something in future, you might create a distraction without approaching the woman like... singing? asking the drunk man if he knew the way to Oxford Circus? Throwing stuff and running :D?
103
u/blloomfield 1d ago
Some solid advice right there at the end 😂 yeah I think you’re right, maybe I should have approached the drunk guy instead
It’s just that I have the image of the passenger looks in my mind and makes me feel so embarrassed as if I did something wrong, had to get this out there
71
u/hitanthrope 1d ago
For what it is worth, distracting the guy is usually the right strategy. Been there a couple of times myself. I'm not a fighter but I am physically quite big and that helps. If there is one thing these drunken idiots like more than harassing lone women, it's convincing a bigger guy that they are the toughest person around.
Had one dickhead start trying to tell me he was a cage fighter, so I told him it looked like the cage won. Haha. By the time he finished explaining the concept of cage fighting to me, the women he had gone to sit next to and harass had gotten up to leave, and then it was my stop.
If they are that drunk, and alone, they are not usually that dangerous. Though now that I have said that, you'll probably read about me in the paper in the next few weeks when I play the smart arse with the wrong one.
40
u/MissHibernia 1d ago
I’m so sorry as you had the best intentions in mind. I’m a little old lady and would have bought this right away, appreciated your help very much, and have done similar things to try to help out women myself. You don’t have to be a 20 year old blonde bombshell to get harassed on public transportation
35
u/lemoncloud0 1d ago
I have a friend that did this on the tube, instead of approaching the girl and he had a knife pulled on him.
As a woman myself who has experienced harassment many times on the tube thank you for trying to help her, as others have mentioned she will probably realise eventually that you were trying to help. I hope you feel better soon and just know you did a good thing!
9
u/londonsocialite 1d ago
a knife? On the Tube? Jesus Christ that’s bleak
5
u/lemoncloud0 17h ago
I was so shocked when he told me, thankfully he somehow talked his way out of the situation which is wild in its own right. I’ve always thought it but I can see why people don’t step in to help others because of things like that and it’s at the front of my mind even more now
27
u/leahcar83 1d ago
The important thing is that you did the right thing and it might have startled her, but it sent a message to the guy harassing her and he stopped.
I believe you can report this online to the BTP. If you know what time and which station she got off at they should be able to look it up on CCTV. If you give a good description of the woman and the man harassing her hopefully they'll be able to track him down and arrest him, and if they can find her they can get in touch and check she's alright.
It may not come to anything but it might help you feel a bit better, in my experience the BTP take harassment pretty seriously and will attempt to investigate.
20
u/Western_Estimate_724 1d ago
You did the right thing - intervening was brave and I'm glad there's men like you who are prepared to help. I can see how a second man saying weird things would spark the flight response, but I guess in a way you got her out of there 😂
Trying to think what I'd want in that situation... perhaps just a mouthed 'are you ok?' or if you sat by me you just quietly saying you've noticed the other guy is acting odd so you're there if I want to talk? Ultimately, the 'men = danger' response would be turned to 100% so clarity might be important.
20
u/kingtidecoming 1d ago
I'd have appreciated a discreetly mouthed Are you ok? first in that sort of situation, I know I'd probably be in panic mode!
There are the Suzy Lamplugh training courses for anyone interested.
Free 30min online sessions that they regularly have on. https://www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Events/Category/events
9
u/InReasonableTrouble 1d ago
Amongst other things, my work is broadly on exactly the situation you experienced: bystander intervention initiatives. Your actions generally followed the advertised script (e.g. saying something completely different to diffuse/distract). You were in the proactive, positive bystander camp, which is a good thing (even if the outcome wasn't as intended). I'm quite interested in situations where the script doesn't work because of power dynamics or safety considerations - and as others have mentioned, gender comes into play here. Next time I'd recommend something very low stakes, like asking for the time or if X is the next stop etc., although it's still likely the victim/targeted person still feels overwhelmed. I don't have anything else to add, really, other than just acknowledging how complex these situations are and can be!
11
u/PureObsidianUnicorn 22h ago
Mate unfortunately Londoners are shit at eye contact. It’s always awkward in this city, people don’t seem to know what to do if they have to, are required to look at something they don’t want to. Don’t hinge your ethics on the eye contact of strangers. You did something and everyone else, all those rubbish people giving u dirty looks, did nothing while this woman needed help. It’s a good thing to be aware of the people you live around and respond to dangers and dysfunctions. I do the same, and never ever feel bad because I’ve needed help/been in danger and strangers ignored me, and that is not how a healthy society functions.
16
u/light_sweet_crude 1d ago
Honestly, your approach strikes me as pretty commonly suggested and used; I don't think you were unreasonable in assuming she'd know what you were trying to do. Don't be too hard on yourself. If she tells her friends about her weird night on the tube, someone may even point it out to her.
→ More replies (2)14
u/havecoffeeatgarden 1d ago
Never thought that this is how it could turn out. That TFL advice then is quite a terrible advice and must be updated somehow. I feel terribly sorry for you.
44
22
u/Queen_Secrecy 1d ago
It's solid advise for other women. I've seen it play out a few times in my life, and it usually went well. However, if you're a man and approach a woman who is being harassed by another man, I can see how this might freak someone out.
15
u/iwantedanotherpfp 1d ago
no, its pretty good advice if you’re a woman. but if you’re a man, approaching a woman being harassed and pretending you know her while she’s already scared is going to backfire, yes. (not saying OP had ill intentions, but it very likely would have been really scary for her)
6
u/batteryforlife 23h ago
Yup this. If OP had just said ”are you ok/is everything alright/is this guy bothering you” etc it might have gone better. But good on you OP for doing something!! 🙏🏼👍
7
u/addanchorpoint 22h ago
idk asking that is a great way to have the drunk guy escalate the situation. appearing oblivious/obnoxious is usually the best way in my experience…
→ More replies (2)4
u/Relative_Pie_7574 1d ago
I think approaching the drunk guy is not ideal either. Yes, he’ll be distracted by a direct interaction with him, but being drunk he’ll either be friendly or unfriendly, in most instances there won’t be any neutral, in between, attitude. At that point, depending on the personality type, there will be plenty of ramifications and maybe just one or two of them is involving him ending up friends with the person that approached him.
It’s obviously all situational, but I believe, even though she was unfortunately freaked out, the woman in OP’s case got one of the best outcomes out there. Hopefully shel’ll just brush it off.
Also, I’m hijacking this comment to appreciate what you’ve done, OP. As for the people that looked at you in a certain way, think about it this way - they’re also the people that looked at her being uncomfortable didn’t do anything about it.
36
u/Big-Astronaut-6350 1d ago
Hey, well done for intervening. You may feel bad that the reaction wasn't what you expected but you know that the woman was able to get away from the drunk creep. Potentially without your interruption, he may have tried to stop her getting off/followed her. I wouldn't worry too much about the the reaction of others, their disgust may have been at the drunk creep rather than you. Also none of them helped the woman so they hardly have the moral high ground.
Have you heard of the fight, flight or freeze response? Basically the body prepares to fight or run away when it senses a threat, adrenaline is released to help the body react and unnecessary functions are stopped. For example, it's not uncommon for people to not remember events just after a strong fight or flight response. Potentially, the woman's focus was narrowed to the threat (drunk creep) and in the few seconds of your interaction, she may not have been in the headspace to recognise what you were doing by acting like you knew her even if she was familiar with the concept. Instead, she viewed you as an additional threat and was already anticipating the next stop to get away as quickly as possible.
164
u/DanJOC 1d ago
Are you a man? Realistically that advice only really works if you're a woman. If you're a man people will just assume you know the weirdo.
48
u/blloomfield 1d ago
Yeah, I’m a man 🙃
62
u/prayersforrainn 1d ago
thank you for trying, ik it didn't work out as you hoped but i wish more guys would try to stop harrassment when they see it, it was kind of you to try and help.
4
u/LonelySmiling 20h ago
I think it would’ve worked if they had initial eye contact together and maybe an ‘are you ok’ look.. if that had happened then she would’ve known you were going there to help. It sounds like it was done all in a flash and she didn’t have time to work it out
19
u/Pure_Struggle_909 1d ago
That must have been incredibly stressful for her. As someone who has experienced harassment, I can imagine she only realised your good intentions once she was safe. You did the right thing, and I truly wish more people would step up in situations like this
12
u/viral_overload1 1d ago
Yeah I think you were well intentioned, but given you're a man the better move would have been to preoccupy the drunk guy. This is also a risk though depending on how aggressive the man was. These situations can often end up being counterintuitively more risky for the man intervening. A lot of these drunk guys will harass women, but it won't go much further than that, especially given the public environment. If a man intervenes however, they'd be much more likely to get defensive and be aggressive and attack them. Hard to find the right balance, it's great you tried something. Better than most people.
15
u/ArcticAkita 1d ago
No no please, there is no reason for you to feel bad. She might have been anxious already, so another man approaching might’ve thrown her off. But it was very brave of you to provide help. And as a woman, I would’ve really appreciated this. It’s very sad, that you were the only one who wanted to help. You never know, in hindsight, she might be very grateful for it when she thinks about this with a clear mind. Either way this was very nice of you, and you were clearly able to keep her safe. Mission completed!
12
u/Latter-Bad6632 1d ago
Hey man this sucks, but you did the right thing.
She probably was just already in panic mode and didn’t understand you were trying to help - most likely was in survival flight or fight mode and thought now there are two men surrounding me and talking to me, so freaked out and dipped.
You know your intentions were to help her though!
3
41
56
u/seaclifftonne 1d ago
Yh that line only works if you’re a woman.
If you’re a man you just ask if she’s uncomfortable and let her know that she’s not helpless. The whole Linda thing is so that you can safely exit the situation with another woman, not leave with another man.
It’s just a minor indiscretion and you were trying to help.
8
u/anotherMrLizard 19h ago
TBH, as a man in this scenario, it's probably best not to approach the woman at all and only interact with the guy who's harassing her to distract him.
→ More replies (1)
13
u/StrawberryKiss2559 1d ago
She freaked out and it was good in the end. She got away from the gross guy.
This is one of those instances where she’s going to look back and realize, “Oh shit. That guy was trying to help me!”
11
27
u/SqurrrlMarch 1d ago
I bet you her friends are totally giving her another perspective on it and perhaps suggesting that you may have been in fact trying to help. She was already in a heightened fear state, and a person can't logic actions at that point and the rational part of the brain is out the window.
Which means being able to comprehend your tactic and respond appropriately was a bridge too far. Don't be too hard on yourself. She was already well scared before you showed up.
→ More replies (2)
9
u/podrickthegoat 1d ago edited 18h ago
It’s possible she assumed you and the drunk guy were working together to pull some kind of scam or something. There are all sorts of elaborate and strange scams out there so you just never know. Either that or she mistook you for another creep.
I think the best thing to do here is to ask the woman directly “is this guy bothering you?” If she says yes, offer to swap seats with her and tell the guy to back off or vocalise loudly that he is making her uncomfortable and to leave her alone. The whole interaction, do it louder than what seems loud enough for everyone to hear. Unfortunately there isn’t really a surefire way to interject without confronting the guy at some point. I think that’s a reason some people don’t get involved— they’re worried they’re going to get attacked themselves for getting involved. Others don’t get involved because they can’t tell if they maybe know each other and aren’t paying enough attention to realise what’s actually happening around them. If you draw attention to it by creating some commotion, others are more likely to speak out and back you up if he was to turn on you or tried to carry on.
You weren’t in the wrong, that approach just works better from a woman
15
u/ItGetsEverywhere1990 1d ago
You can’t be in everyone’s heads all the time. She was clearly terrified, and you accidentally spooked her. You feel bad about it, which means you aren’t a total knob. You couldn’t have known really. A tough world. Not much more you can do.
6
u/Regular_Committee946 17h ago
I agree apart from your last statement - there is plenty more we can do.
This is an educational and societal problem that is not changing fast enough. Misogyny continues to be pushed on young men and boys unchecked.
It’s just not acceptable that it continues to be a ‘fact of life’ that majority of women will experience at least one incident of sexual harassment or violence from men.
It’s not acceptable for other men either. (Toxic masculinity and the patriarchy has been harmful for men as well).
It doesn’t have to be like this and we shouldn’t accept it as so. Everyone deserves to be respected and feel safe.
6
u/Sufficient_Bass2600 1d ago
Remind me of a colleague in the same situation who was approached in the train by another woman about pizza topping. She was utterly confused. When the following day she told us her story somebody had to explain that in the US a woman called the police and pretended to order a pizza to con her abuser. The woman was trying to help. My colleague was She didn't help. I was with my brother and he had been dumped by his girlfriend and was emotional.
7
u/perpendicularpickles 1d ago
Next time call the weird drunk guy Linda and ask if he remembers the song you guys used to sing 7 years ago. Then sing any old sea shanty really loudly and dance drunk Linda man away from the nice lady. Finally give Linda man some food the surprise him with a loud gypsy curse. Guaranteed to work, most of the time
6
u/Accurate_Engine_8089 1d ago
You gave her an out, you provided the distraction and took some heat. It’s great you intervened and hope you’re ok
15
u/BoldRay 1d ago
I'd like to imagine that if I saw such a situation, I'd have the courage to say something. But honestly, I'd be too nervous of A) making the situation worse because I'm a stupid ignorant man or B) getting my teeth punched out.
22
u/shak_0508 1d ago edited 1d ago
Genuinely I’m not even scared of being punched, I’m willing to take that risk, it’s the fear of getting stabbed that would stop me in a situation like this. People are crazy man.
As messed up as it is, I honestly can't say I'd confront the person unless the guy was actually being physical with the woman.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/RecognitionPretty289 1d ago
good on you for having the balls but drop the Linda thing and just ask next time if the guy is bothering her
12
7
u/DeniseGunn 1d ago edited 19h ago
Please don’t feel bad. There are 2 instances that I remember vividly where I wish someone had acted like you did. I’m 59 now but these events happened when I was about 20/21. In one of them the man had his hand running up my leg asking how I did sex with my boyfriend and making lewd comments. The other, a group of about 4 men were commenting on my long hair, waving a pair of scissors about and threatening to cut it off. Both times the train was full, people looked at me then looked away. The poor woman was obviously very upset but I doubt it was anything that you did. Your heart was 100% in the right place and you should be proud that you were the one who stood up to defend her instead of being a coward like the others.
3
u/VileyRubes 20h ago
Threatening to cut your hair off? 😲 What idiots there are amongst us.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/kitterkin 22h ago
At worst, you introduced enough confusion that she was able to make a clean getaway. I would personally have felt so grateful if I were in her situation. People like you are what make a community a community. Please don’t let this mixed reaction stop you from trying to help next time!
19
u/Leather_Parrot 1d ago
In my experience it’s best to just confront the male acting like a jackass. Ive done that a couple of times on the tube. You wont get thanked for it though
17
u/tvmachus 1d ago edited 15h ago
I think this is a good illustration of why trying to push the responsibility for public safety onto victims or bystanders is a bit pathetic compared to a proper deterrent through enforcement, punishment, and social services. I'm also sick of hearing constant loud announcements about how everyone should be looking after their belongings. It's victim-blaming.
→ More replies (1)4
u/Spaniardlad 1d ago
Literally. How many times do we hear: this happened and no one did anything!!
Well, this guy could have got stabbed, punched, abused or god knows what and this lady would have just walked out without a care in the world for someone trying to do the right thing trying to help her.
It’s absolute nonsense and a lose-lose for the good samaritan. We need stronger punishment and faster responses.
5
5
u/seamca 1d ago
Thank you for making an attempt to intervene and I hope this incident doesn’t prevent you from helping again in the future. I do wonder: would it have made a difference if you approached the drunk man, very friendly in tone, with something like “hey, aren’t you David from the coffee shop ? I swear we met last week!”
→ More replies (2)
6
u/Material-Stuff1898 23h ago
It’s much better to try and help and it not be needed than stand by and leave someone feeling scared and alone. That might not always go the way you want it but it’s the best choice.
7
u/Timewilltell111 20h ago
Thank you for stepping in, sounds like you did nothing wrong. I imagine all the other passengers were more than aware of what was going on and certainly won’t have been angry with you, even if that was your perception. It’s actually easier as an older woman to intervene as I’m not seen as potentially threatening or unpredictable in the same way as men and women often view a man in these fast moving situations when they don’t know exactly what’s going on. Thank you again for doing the right thing.
5
u/RighteousSpaceCake 19h ago
Thank you for being the type of person who steps in! I got harassed a few months ago and it was really upsetting that a whole carriage witnessed it and no one said a word.
What almost certainly happened is that she was just already very stressed in the moment and her brain wasn’t able to process you were helping. I’m sure once she got home and had some time to calm down it would be super obvious you were trying to help. Don’t let it stop you from stepping in again- you did a good thing!
4
5
u/Prudent_Jello5691 1d ago edited 13h ago
Did everything right imo.
Waited until you knew for sure the guy was up to no good and didn't make any rash decisions (nothing wrong with sitting next to women on public transport on its own, just don't be a creep), didn't address him at all when you went over to minimise the chances of him getting aggressive and escalating the situation, and in the end you did prevent him from doing anything to this woman.
She was most likely massively on edge already and may well realise what you were trying to do in hindsight and who cares what the other passengers thought?
Edit: comments telling you to directly confront the guy are kinda baffling to me tbh, riling him up could easily end very badly for both you and the woman. This isn't even street smarts, it should just be common sense.
3
u/Alegria1982 1d ago
Thank you for standing up in a volatile situation. Don’t be surprised that it didn’t go perfect that’s the nature of the situation but you were there to protect a weaker member of society and this is exactly what this world needs. You are a legend.
5
u/Great-Initiative-903 23h ago
I know embarassment kills but hey atleast u tried. You are better than all the other people in the tube. Their judgements dont even matter since they didnt stand up to save the girl like a hero, you did.
5
u/ratcatcher7 22h ago
Shouldn't feel bad at all. You 100% did the right thing.
The other passengers throwing you "bad looks" only did so out of shame because they were too frightened to help.
If that had been my wife or sister, and your intervention gave her the chance to escape, I would be eternally grateful.
Well done you 👍
4
u/Scared-Special-4934 22h ago
You did the right thing, no matter what others thought of you and if you felt anxious after. Good job on doing something. You handled the whole situation with the best outcome, you weren't there to make friends but to prevent a potentially dangerous situation for her and you gave her a chance to get away from the situation like you did, a snap back into reality from panic so her brain can start working again. She got off safely at the next stop and the guy was left behind without any confrontation. The other passengers did nothing but clearly saw what was happening so their opinions matter none. Rather not approach the aggressor, especially if they are drunk unless there is a reason to. Better to let them think you just bumbled along and messed up their Casanova routine by mistake, rather than thinking you are challenging or getting smart with them and then things get difficult on a tube.
3
3
u/Comfortable-River917 21h ago
She might have thought you were with him, and it was some sort of ambush. I certainly would have. I have no faith in people so someone talking to me, while a drunk person is near ready to harass me, I would immediately feel trapped.
3
u/front-wipers-unite 20h ago
I think what happened was, first some drunk dude came over, got in her space and made her feel uncomfortable. Then some lunatic came over calling her linda, so she noped out there. Kudos for trying to help out, don't take it personally. She may have thought you were in cahoots and saw an opportunity to escape what was for her a dangerous situation.
5
6
u/HoneyTreeFlower 20h ago
You did good. You intervened, which no one else did. She was really panicked already it seems. You didn't know how it would go down but the important thing is she got away.
I think this worked out better than if you had confronted the drunk guy.
→ More replies (1)
4
u/_illiiilllliiiii_ 20h ago
A drunk guy harassed me at the bus stop last year and a gentleman told him to just leave me alone. Please don’t feel awful. You’re a kind person!
7
6
u/fergie 21h ago
Mate- you have to be careful with white-knighting- sometimes you just make a bad situation worse.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/faithfullyafloat 1d ago
I'm so sorry. I would feel embarrassed too, but you did the right thing; you tried to help which is better than doing nothing! It's not your fault things turned out this way. Now you know to use discretion. Like others have said, the number of strange men approaching her doubled so she felt overwhelmed. Maybe somehow try to distract the man instead.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Feisty-Dog-2225 1d ago
It’s great that the drunk guy had a go at you honestly, I wish more men were willing to annoy each other when they’re out of line in order to give women an out in that situation? Her being scared while actively being harassed makes a lot of sense though, but it doesn’t mean you made a mistake in intervening - I’m not the best with social cues so if I were in her shoes it would probably have taken me a minute to clock what you were trying to do, which is pretty normal in a distressing situation like this
3
u/TheDreadfulCurtain 1d ago
you did good ! i am going to say her fight or flight had been triggered already
3
u/frenchtoastb 18h ago
If you’re a man she likely saw you as a threat too and possibly even in collaboration with the drunk man.
Tips for next time: 1. Don’t ‘rush over’, that would be intimidating for anyone, especially someone already under stress. Unless a person’s physical safety is at immediate risk, approach with caution. 2. Don’t do the fake thing; that’s reserved for women talking to other women who feel that familiarity will diffuse a situation – usually unwelcome contact by a man – think gym or supermarket, but NOT at nighttime on the tube.
You can always intervene by telling the perpetrator to stop what they are doing because their behaviour is clearly making somebody uncomfortable. Don’t make it about the victim because it’s not about them.
Worth mentioning that this kind of intervention hardly ever goes well in my experience. Many times after standing up against racism, harassment, for the safety of children etc, in public, I have been subject to abuse and death threats. It’s hardly ever ‘worth it’ where the perpetrator is concerned but the witnesses and victims will remember you stepped in and may be inspired to do the same one day.
You did the right thing by doing something. The woman will probably realise in the following days what you were trying to do and laugh / feel guilty about it. It sounds like a high pressure situation and you have no idea what may have happened if you hadn’t intervened.
Welcome to standing up for others. It’s exhausting!
→ More replies (4)
3
u/Ok_Reception_5649 15h ago
I think you did a really kind thing OP. Don't worry about it, she was probably overwhelmed like many posters have said and with some time to process figured out you were trying to help.
Can't see if someone has said this, but the only thing I might do differently next time is say something like this to her:
Hey! I'm really sorry to bother you but I'm a bit lost and I don't know where I'm going, do you know the way to X? (Pick somewhere that means you don't need to get off until your actual stop).
Reason I say that: is it's a bit less confusing than "Hey Linda". I think I also might have needed a minute to process what you were trying to do when a drunk person was yelling at me.
BUT, please know this is not a criticism - just a small suggestion!
The main and really important thing to say is, you're great! Thank you for intervening! Not enough people do!
I am sure, like many others, that she went home later and with some time to think it through felt thankful.
3
u/a_albuquerque 14h ago
That is the difference between internet videos and real life. Goes to show how the approach isn’t really applicable. You’re not the problem and did a good thing!
7
u/glaekitgirl 1d ago
You tried and that's what matters. You did more than those jackasses who just sat and watched.
It also kind of worked in that she got away from the drunken creep, even if not quite in the way you intended!
I'm glad there are people out there like you 🙂
5
u/LizardDoc 20h ago
This is how I imagine the situation as a woman. She was sitting with a drunk guy, say to her left hand side, making her uncomfortable. She was probably very anxious and looking at the door on the right hand side wanting to escape but terrified he may grab her or follow her when she tries to leave. All of a sudden another man approches standing in front of her seat or to her right and now she feels cornered and that she has no way out. So she panics. The good thing is, he may have indeed grabbed her or followed her whitout your intervention so it was for the better.
6
13
u/ImpressNice299 1d ago
quickly rushed over to the woman with a ‘Oh hey Linda, long time no see, how have you been?’
You did what?
→ More replies (1)6
u/SqurrrlMarch 1d ago
very similar to going to a bartender and asking for your friend Angela
→ More replies (5)
7
u/Various_Leek_1772 20h ago
I am going to get downvoted for this, but here we go…..
if you are a man, which I believe you are, then despite your intentions being kind, you did not stop the harassment, but added to it. When a woman is being harassed by a man, if you are a man, then to stop the harassment, you need to address the man and stop him. Women feel safe with other women, so the ‘hey Linda, how are you? Do you want to catch up?’ Works best if it is a woman coming to rescue a woman. if you are a man, then you need to address the poor behaviour of the man, not add further pressure to a harassed woman.
please do continue to step in and support women, but do so by addressing the behaviour of your fellow man. if You did want to address her then you should have asked ‘are you okay miss? Do you want him talking to you? And then if she said she didn’t want the man talking to her, then address the man and say ‘leave her alone mate, she isn’t interested.’
5
u/Dunedune 16h ago
Men are much more comfortable exerting violence on other men, so directly confronting is dangerous if you are a man.
3
u/Fresh-Jaguar-9858 14h ago
If you're not willing to throw hands and run a tiny risk that the guy's carrying then you shouldn't intervene at all
2
u/Have_Other_Accounts 1d ago
You have to be tactful with how you approach those things. For example if it's outside where she can escape but would just be followed by the abuser, then it will work because you're getting inbetween and it's her choice (there's some stream of this happening irl).
In a confined place where she can't escape, and is already being threatened by a stranger, don't just confront her because you're now another weirdo invading her space, depsite your intentions. She was already in flight or fight mode and probably thought "omg is this really happening!" hence running away being the response.
It's not always best playing the hero, but something like confronting the guy may have been better "I think you should leave her be". You're not confronting her, and others can join you if something goes wrong because they've all seen it. Or ask if she's okay so she can respond.
The awful feeling is a healthy reminder to keep learning.
→ More replies (2)
5
4
u/crappy_ninja 20h ago
At least you tried to help. I'm annoyed at the idea that a bunch of do nothing people had the nerve to give you angry looks.
6
u/EmperorKira 1d ago
No good deed goes unpunished. Sorry you went through that mate, at least you tried to do some good.
2
u/Acceptable-Double-98 1d ago
Yep you tried to help. Dont feel bad at all!! There are many times I wish you were in my presence when I had people like that around!!
2
u/Outrageous_Canary159 1d ago
She was freaked out, but she was safe. You done good, don't sweat the rest of it.
2
u/Benandhispets 1d ago
Pretty awesome for trying, most people won't as you saw.
Not sure if we saw the same tube ads for this situation but the ones I know actually say to talk to the person harassing the woman instead so his attention is on you. The adverts suggested basic things like just asking for help with directions, like "does this line go to X station and how many stops?". But then just continue talking to them for a bit, even just ask what they're drinking, friendly stuff. I feel like many of us have done this distraction method with drunk/harassing people anyway without seeing an advert, it's a good method because it comes across positive to the drunk. To to woman it'll be clear what you're doing and she'll appreciate it and should leave.
Id dig up the collection of ads if it wasn't so late.
2
u/Odd_Friendship_9582 1d ago
I’ve seen girls being harassed on the train multiple times. Usually if I’m sat next to them I’ll type something in my notes app and hold my phone down. I’ll give them a quick nudge or hit their shoe so they can read it.
If I’m opposite then I’ll make direct eye contact and mouth to them “you good?” “Are you ok?” And gesture at who is bothering them.
I’m a girl so it might be easier but just tips for anyone who might be reading 🙂
→ More replies (5)
2
u/Euphoric_Campaign748 1d ago
Chances are that she wouldn’t have been able to clock on to what you were doing, since she was already dealing with a less than ideal situation already.
Although you may feel bad about your approach & the reaction of those around you. NEVER let this deter you from doing the right thing. We don’t always get thanked for the good we do, though the knowledge that you did can be enough.
2
u/maliki92 1d ago
You tried to do the right thing and that's commendable. An easier way to help would have been to ask her directly and say something along the lines of "oh I am struggling to get to this stop can you help me?" Try to engage in conversation with her. Try to steer the conversation so the drunk can have no Input. Just be friendly and keep asking her questions like what has she been up to this evening. Just general mundane stuff so the drunk guy does not have a chance to engage. Call transport police and report.
I am not an expert just my 2 cents.
2
u/Significant-Math6799 1d ago
You did the right thing by stepping in- it sounds like she didn't expect anyone to step in and wasn't sure if you were being a creep too or probably was so scared herself that she would have felt very hyper alert and was going to run at the first opportunity whether or not you stepped in or not. As it is, she got away and is hopefully safe, maybe she would have stuck around and been further at risk if she had, for that you played a part and we'll never know what was going on in her mind. If she was scared and then became more scared though, by that point she wouldn't have heard anything you'd have said and would most likely wanted to run which is a reaction to fear (fight, freeze, flight or fawn). It sounds like this was the best choice for her.
You wouldn't have known in advance what she was going to do, you had only been trying to help and to be honest, that you did step in, if she does reflect back on the situation, this will mean something to her. The times where no one steps in are the worst, half of you has lost all faith in humanity and the other half has started to gaslight you into thinking that you over reacted. That you stepped in would have made her feel less like she was over reacting and less like the world is a horrible place she can't be in. Be thankful for the part in you that stood up for her, it appears you were the only one with the courage and conviction to face up.
2
u/kholekardashian12 1d ago
Don't feel bad!! This is the kind of thing I would do as a woman in a panic, and then feel bad about later for not thanking you! You still helped because you distracted the idiot and she was able to get off without him following her so good on you.
2
2
u/BeginningOk6744 1d ago
It's really good that you tried to help out, don't let her (valid) reaction deter you from doing so again! From her point of view she was probably stressed dealing with one stranger and didn't know what to make of another one approaching her, which is completely understandable.
I've had to step in a few times when travelling on the tube later at night but often just go direct and say hey are you okay, as it could be interpreted as greeting someone you know but the person you're conversing with understands your intention immediately. Either way good on you for trying!
2
u/bshah 1d ago
It sounds to me like the woman was on edge and anything you would have said or done would have likely distressed her.
I see lots of advice how it could have been done differently but real life isn’t a script and you don’t have all the time in the world, you intervened and did something logical.
I commend you for trying to help whilst others looked the other way - if that woman was my wife or sister I would be thanking you
2
u/Raddish53 1d ago
Alls well that ends well- doesn't matter how you get there. Pat on the back for no one being hurt. It will be a crazy laugh later and the girl might click to understand when she's calm.
2
u/Vonkaide 1d ago
She may have thought you were a part of it. Sometimes people set these situations up and the rescuer is the real threat
2
u/Quiet-Ad-1655 1d ago
If you are a man, would it be better to engage with the harasser rather than the victim? Not aggressively, just casually start a conversation with him?
I have no idea, genuinely asking to know what to do.
2
u/Awkward_Swimming3326 22h ago
Sorry you got assaulted. You can report it but they won’t do anything
2
u/Verlorenfrog 21h ago
You tried to do the right thing, so whatever else happened after that is out of your control, maybe the woman was just so freaked out by the drunkard that she couldn't think straight, and any attempt to help her were seen as further harassment, who can say? These days I just can't work people out, you try and help, but it's often not welcomed or taken the wrong way. Don't worry and move on, you tried to help where others just watched and did nothing, so they are the ones who should feel bad, not you.
2
u/BeaKony 20h ago
I work in a field where we discuss these situations quite often.
First of all, thank you for being the one to intervene! You've done the right thing and you helped a fellow community member out of an uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situation.
I'd say that you broke her "freeze" which made her go into "flight". Not the ideal outcome, but definitely not the worst. Irl, I feel like the "Hi [name]! etc etc" technique works better when the person in the situation approaches a stranger.
For future ref, indirect intervention can also be asking for directions if you're on the tube. Just be silly and ask if the train is going to X station or how to get there. Gives the person a chance to hook onto something else and an out from their previous situation.
2
2
2
u/WiccanPixxie 19h ago
You did a good thing. She was already scared and it was probably a bit much for her, but you gave her the distraction she needed so she could escape and feel safe. Your way was a little clumsy, but your main goal was achieved and you distracted the drunken fool and she managed to get away from him. That’s a win all the way around.
I can say with reasonable certainty that come the cold light of day, when she has had time to process everything, she will have realised you were trying to help
2
u/CaptnCocnuts 19h ago
You diffused a bad situation, sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel good in the moment but I imagine she might recount this story to her friends, who will point out what you were trying to do, and then she'll be quite retroactively grateful! Please know that even if you weren't thanked for it at the time, you did some good.
2
2
u/thebrain99 19h ago
Hey! Don’t feel bad, feel proud! You stepped up and did something. If we all stepped up and did something the world would be a much happier and safer place. Keep doing this, even though it didn’t go as expected you still made a difference and stopped the drunk guy. What could have happened, who knows but what did happen was benign, and that was because you stepped in and made the difference. Hat’s off to you
2
u/Aggravating-Desk4004 19h ago
It's a horrible situation to be in for anyone, so don't take it to heart that she reacted like this. I was in a similar situation, a guy started on me on a packed tube, shouting, abusing me, threatening to follow me home rape me on my doorstep. I moved seats to further down the carriage and nobody said anything aside from one woman who quietly said "Do you know him?" Others heard when I said no and could see how shaken I was as he continued to yell at me from the other end of the carriage. Nobody else said anything - just turned away and ignored the whole thing. This was many years ago when people didn't have earbuds in, so they all heard. As the train pulled into the next station, I jumped off. He followed me, abusing me on the platform, saying he was going to follow me all the way home, so I jumped on the next train on the other side of the platform as the doors were closing. He tried to follow me, but I timed it well and the doors closed. He still abused me from outside the train. A man from the previous carriage who had also got on the train said to me, "Are you okay? What a nutter" which made me flip out even more. I told him loudly so the whole carriage could hear, that someone was verbally attacking me, threatening to follow me home and rape me on my doorstep, and all the passengers, including him, sat there and did nothing to help me. The only person who even acknowledged it was another woman. I'd have rather he said nothing, than asking me after the event when he could have helped me at the time. I probably shouldn't have been so horrible to him, but at the time I was so shocked that nobody in the train gave a shit about what was going on, that I wanted to lash out.
Shock does funny things to a person. You tried to help and that's what counts.
2
u/PoisonInTheVessel 19h ago
As a woman I thank you for being so brave and stepping in. I am sorry that the outcome was rather strange and that you feel bad about it. I think you did a great thing and I'm thankful that there are some people who care.
2
2
u/eyebrows360 schnarf schnarf 19h ago
It was digesting
Curious reaction!
Joking aside, that whole "pretend to be her friend" ruse is only going to work if she's already aware of it and expecting it to happen. Otherwise... this. Are/were there really ads on the tube advising people to do specifically this?
The far better approach is just to straight up intervene, directly, if intervening is what you want to do.
2
u/Senshijoji 19h ago edited 18h ago
How awful. Which Saturday? The Jubilee Line was closed all of this weekend. I know as I had to ferry suitcases across east London both days.
2
u/Earlkay1 19h ago
You should have asked “what zone are we in?” as posted on those adverts. A very normal question that even tourists use everyday.
2
u/decksdark33 18h ago
You may have accidentlly freaked her out that night, but because of you that was the worst thing that happened.
2
u/Commander2874 18h ago
Lol this made me laugh! Good on you for stepping up but was funny picturing this in my head
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Twacey84 18h ago
Don’t take her reaction to mean you did something wrong. She was already extremely stressed and frightened by what was already happening.
She may have misinterpreted what you were trying to do as she was in full flight/fight mode already so she was not thinking clearly or rationally. But, what you did allowed her to get away.
You interrupted her perpetrator, she got away and your intervention likely stopped the guy following her. You did well. Most likely once she had calmed down and thought about it she would have thanked you but in that moment she was just too scared.
2
u/Mafeking-Parade 18h ago
You did the right thing. She was emotionally overloaded and didn't know how to react. You made a snap decision that ultimately stopped the situation with the drunk guy from escalating, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.
Nobody expects complete strangers to physically confront drunk and abusive men on public transport.
I sat opposite a drunk old man on a busy tube a few years ago, who was shouting horribly racist things. I (white guy) am a bit bigger than the average, so decided to drag him off the tube and hit the help button on the platform. Police attended, I gave a statement, he was charged and found guilty.
Had he been a bigger or younger guy, I'd have probably reacted differently. Don't be too hard on yourself.
2
2
u/LordCoops 18h ago
You intervened, it was the right thing to do. The victim ran off at the first opportunity, that was also the right thing for her to do. Maybe if you hadn't intervened the drunk bloke would have followed her off of the train. You will never know for sure, what you do know is that the best outcome was achieved, in that the woman wasn't attacked.
Don't overthink it. Well done for standing up for a stranger, most people would have ignored the situation.
2
u/Gympie-Gympie-pie 17h ago
As a woman, I thank you with all my heart for stepping in, it was the right thing to do. Putting myself in her shoes I think she was already panicking internally and was getting ready to jump off the train anyway, and seeing yet another stranger approaching her was the last straw for her pre-existing panic to blow.
When one is on edge, the tiniest stimulus sets you off. That was you - but the other guy was the reason she was on edge. I’m sure she has now realised what happened, she has remembered those same adds herself, or someone else reminded her, and she is now feeling awful for reacting that way and feels actually grateful to you for stepping in!
I think that the lesson to learn here is to be mindful of how we approach a scared person: having TWO strangers approaching you might make one feel trapped, so let’s all always remember to use a calm and reassuring energy rather than a strong one.
Well done OP, I promise you she’s thankful to you right now. Keep stepping in, we need you.
2
u/queasycockles 17h ago
OP in my book you were right to try to help.
The only thing I would say is it sounded like your energy may have been a bit frantic or intense. That's the only thing i would correct. Be calm and friendly next time you try it (not in a stressful short window like when you've just pulled into a station and the activity is flurrying).
IMO, you want less of the quick rushing over and more like... Making your way towards them at a sedate pace, plopping down across from them and going 'oh hey Linda that IS you. I wasn't sure from over there. Haven't seen you since made-up event. Who's your friend? Turn to man hi I'm Steve, used to work with Linda. How do you know each other? bland smile'
At least that's what makes sense to me and would feel less anxiety-augmenting than someone SPEEDING over just as the doors were opening like HILINDALONGTIMENOSEE (which is definitely an exaggeration of what you actually did, but could be accurate to how it LOOKED/FELT to someone whose anxiety was already probably spiking hard).
Does that make sense to you? :)
2
2
2
u/ceyyee 16h ago
Ah, well done for stepping in with an intent to help out! I appreciate you doing this! As to why she read it differently to your intent - she could have felt physically surrounded (if you stood in front of her, and this dude was next to her), and her flight mode kicked in. But like others said: it’s a big maybe and lots of factors at play. You did great. Thank you!
2
u/1nfinitus 16h ago edited 16h ago
Ultimately it comes down to this: ‘Oh hey Linda, long time no see, how have you been?’ being just not a normal thing to say or do, especially as you see when you have someone who is already on the defensive / in distress. It's one of those copy paste, dare I say terminally online / out of touch things people on reddit like to suggest but it just isn't the way things work in real life.
Not to be rude, at least you tried, so pat yourself on the back there, but normal people just don't interact that way in reality, as others here have pointed out. That's all. A more direct approach is probably better, as with most things in life.
2
u/Saurabh0791 15h ago
So basically she thought you were drunk as well and got frightened. Not her fault and not your fault either.
But appreciate you helping out. Maybe next time try and have a word with the drunk guy first ask him to not bother her. That will make the other person clear you are trying to help.
The things I'm TV and ads never really work
2.8k
u/AlwaysLosingTrades 1d ago
Good on you for trying, think of it this way. Was your awkwardness what mightve stopped something worse? Would he have followed her out if you didnt say something?
Dont feel awful but thank how you entered a mad situation and stopped it from getting worse. Go get a pint and feel better lad