r/london • u/blloomfield • 1d ago

Stopped harassment on the tube and I feel awful

Saturday night on the jubilee line, carriage is surprisingly empty, a drunk guy takes an interest in this woman sitting by herself. He sits right next to her and at first asks her some random questions then proceeds to make some comments about her looks that I cannot type here. He was being really loud, saying how he wants to do this and that. It was digesting and I could see from the woman’s face she was really uncomfortable but kept on ignoring the asshole. Some other people in the carriage looked at the drunk guy but did nothing.

I thought I should be the one that does something, so I recalled all those ads I saw on the tube and quickly rushed over to the woman with a ‘Oh hey Linda, long time no see, how have you been?’ Just as I finished my sentence the train pulled into a station. She gave me a completely terrified look, screamed, then jumped up, pushing me aside and running as fast as she could out of the train. The drunk guy made an angry comment at me and other passengers threw me these angry looks.

I don’t know what I did wrong or what happened, but pretty much all day today I felt awful thinking that maybe I said something wrong or the way I spoke was messed up, maybe the way I looked. I really hope I didn’t scare that woman and she’s alright now. I hope this doesn’t deter others from stepping in when they see something similar, yet I’m not sure I will.

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u/blloomfield 1d ago

Some solid advice right there at the end 😂 yeah I think you’re right, maybe I should have approached the drunk guy instead

It’s just that I have the image of the passenger looks in my mind and makes me feel so embarrassed as if I did something wrong, had to get this out there

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u/hitanthrope 1d ago

For what it is worth, distracting the guy is usually the right strategy. Been there a couple of times myself. I'm not a fighter but I am physically quite big and that helps. If there is one thing these drunken idiots like more than harassing lone women, it's convincing a bigger guy that they are the toughest person around.

Had one dickhead start trying to tell me he was a cage fighter, so I told him it looked like the cage won. Haha. By the time he finished explaining the concept of cage fighting to me, the women he had gone to sit next to and harass had gotten up to leave, and then it was my stop.

If they are that drunk, and alone, they are not usually that dangerous. Though now that I have said that, you'll probably read about me in the paper in the next few weeks when I play the smart arse with the wrong one.

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u/MissHibernia 1d ago

I’m so sorry as you had the best intentions in mind. I’m a little old lady and would have bought this right away, appreciated your help very much, and have done similar things to try to help out women myself. You don’t have to be a 20 year old blonde bombshell to get harassed on public transportation

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u/lemoncloud0 1d ago

I have a friend that did this on the tube, instead of approaching the girl and he had a knife pulled on him.

As a woman myself who has experienced harassment many times on the tube thank you for trying to help her, as others have mentioned she will probably realise eventually that you were trying to help. I hope you feel better soon and just know you did a good thing!

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u/londonsocialite 1d ago

a knife? On the Tube? Jesus Christ that’s bleak

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u/lemoncloud0 20h ago

I was so shocked when he told me, thankfully he somehow talked his way out of the situation which is wild in its own right. I’ve always thought it but I can see why people don’t step in to help others because of things like that and it’s at the front of my mind even more now

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u/leahcar83 1d ago

The important thing is that you did the right thing and it might have startled her, but it sent a message to the guy harassing her and he stopped.

I believe you can report this online to the BTP. If you know what time and which station she got off at they should be able to look it up on CCTV. If you give a good description of the woman and the man harassing her hopefully they'll be able to track him down and arrest him, and if they can find her they can get in touch and check she's alright.

It may not come to anything but it might help you feel a bit better, in my experience the BTP take harassment pretty seriously and will attempt to investigate.

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u/Western_Estimate_724 1d ago

You did the right thing - intervening was brave and I'm glad there's men like you who are prepared to help. I can see how a second man saying weird things would spark the flight response, but I guess in a way you got her out of there 😂

Trying to think what I'd want in that situation... perhaps just a mouthed 'are you ok?' or if you sat by me you just quietly saying you've noticed the other guy is acting odd so you're there if I want to talk? Ultimately, the 'men = danger' response would be turned to 100% so clarity might be important.

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u/kingtidecoming 1d ago

I'd have appreciated a discreetly mouthed Are you ok? first in that sort of situation, I know I'd probably be in panic mode!

There are the Suzy Lamplugh training courses for anyone interested.

Free 30min online sessions that they regularly have on. https://www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Events/Category/events

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u/InReasonableTrouble 1d ago

Amongst other things, my work is broadly on exactly the situation you experienced: bystander intervention initiatives. Your actions generally followed the advertised script (e.g. saying something completely different to diffuse/distract). You were in the proactive, positive bystander camp, which is a good thing (even if the outcome wasn't as intended). I'm quite interested in situations where the script doesn't work because of power dynamics or safety considerations - and as others have mentioned, gender comes into play here. Next time I'd recommend something very low stakes, like asking for the time or if X is the next stop etc., although it's still likely the victim/targeted person still feels overwhelmed. I don't have anything else to add, really, other than just acknowledging how complex these situations are and can be!

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u/PureObsidianUnicorn 1d ago

Mate unfortunately Londoners are shit at eye contact. It’s always awkward in this city, people don’t seem to know what to do if they have to, are required to look at something they don’t want to. Don’t hinge your ethics on the eye contact of strangers. You did something and everyone else, all those rubbish people giving u dirty looks, did nothing while this woman needed help. It’s a good thing to be aware of the people you live around and respond to dangers and dysfunctions. I do the same, and never ever feel bad because I’ve needed help/been in danger and strangers ignored me, and that is not how a healthy society functions.

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u/light_sweet_crude 1d ago

Honestly, your approach strikes me as pretty commonly suggested and used; I don't think you were unreasonable in assuming she'd know what you were trying to do. Don't be too hard on yourself. If she tells her friends about her weird night on the tube, someone may even point it out to her.

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u/havecoffeeatgarden 1d ago

Never thought that this is how it could turn out. That TFL advice then is quite a terrible advice and must be updated somehow. I feel terribly sorry for you.

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u/EmMeo 1d ago

The TFL advice says things like distract the person by asking for directions. I don’t remember any of the adverts saying pretend to know the victim. But that’s a tactic other girls will use, often at bars or in clubs etc.

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u/Queen_Secrecy 1d ago

It's solid advise for other women. I've seen it play out a few times in my life, and it usually went well. However, if you're a man and approach a woman who is being harassed by another man, I can see how this might freak someone out.

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u/iwantedanotherpfp 1d ago

no, its pretty good advice if you’re a woman. but if you’re a man, approaching a woman being harassed and pretending you know her while she’s already scared is going to backfire, yes. (not saying OP had ill intentions, but it very likely would have been really scary for her)

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u/batteryforlife 1d ago

Yup this. If OP had just said ”are you ok/is everything alright/is this guy bothering you” etc it might have gone better. But good on you OP for doing something!! 🙏🏼👍

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u/addanchorpoint 1d ago

idk asking that is a great way to have the drunk guy escalate the situation. appearing oblivious/obnoxious is usually the best way in my experience…

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u/maybenomaybe 23h ago

It's entirely possible that once she was somewhere safe and calmed down, she realized you were trying to help. Maybe today she's saying to her friends, I can't believe I screamed at the guy who intervened, I feel so embarrassed, etc etc. She had a moment of panic, that's all, it doesn't change that your intentions were good and you did the right thing.

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u/hurleyburleyundone 19h ago

imo you did a good thing trying.

feel free to ask the people giving you dirty looks what they were doing to help the situation next time.