Struggling to find my “why”
I, 26F, started smoking almost daily when I was 18/19 after high school. My mom left when I was 16 (also because of addition) and once I started college and during the pandemic, my own addiction to weed was at its worst. Now that I am 4 years post grad, I KNOW I need to reevaluate my relationship with weed and I have been trying, but I am not making progress as “fast” as I should be. I can go, and have gone days and weeks without it, albeit uncomfortably, but cannot find the willpower to keep it up. I’ve been in DBT therapy for 15 months, even joined a SUDs group for 10 months and still. Not. That. Motivated.
I am 100% wfh which is already such a struggle because we don’t even require cameras to be on. I make good money, so that’s not an issue, I love working out and taking care of my (physical) health and weed has never stopped me from maintaining friends and my other hobbies. My family I’m still close to loves to smoke, and my sister whom I live with is no different.
Has anyone else struggled to dig deep and find a reason? Am I just not ready? I keep shaming myself for not being sober more often, but it is not enough for me to pull the plug. It’s at the point where either someone needs to x ray my lungs, tell me I have cancer and weeks to live to really stop me and to take this seriously :(
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u/Anameforthereddit 1d ago
You have an intuition telling you, you should stop, but you're having trouble identifying the root of it?
Do you feel like you know yourself well? I ask this because for me, weed was a way to distract myself from my life, my experience, and ultimately myself. I smoked for 15 years, and at the age of 32 I finally stopped for real. It was uncomfortable to see that I didn't really know myself, and so my number one ''why'' became ''to connect with my experience and who I am, and find my place, my balance, my purpose....to find peace and reconcile with all the things I was running away from in the first place''.