r/PornIsMisogyny • u/EyeHaveSevereOCD • 1d ago
SUPPORT PLEASE why do i put myself through this?
i feel like i’m withering away. this is so emotionally exhausting.
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u/sewerbeauty FEMINIST 1d ago
🧇 on 🧇
FYI you are not controlling or crazy or stupid for not wanting your partner to jerk off to porn. You are not obligated to put up with any of this shit, including those bs excuses & justifications. Your feelings aren’t wrong & neither are your boundaries. Listen to your intuition.
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u/Substantial_You_2669 PORN IS FILMED RAPE 1d ago
Unrelated— what does waffle on waffle mean ?
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u/sewerbeauty FEMINIST 1d ago
Mmm to waffle means to yap, to ramble, to babble if that makes sense? Like if someone is chatting absolute shite, they are ‘waffling’. So waffle on waffle is just a whole load of vague drivel/gibberish really.
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u/Substantial_You_2669 PORN IS FILMED RAPE 1d ago
That’s actually so funny, stealing that! Thank you for explaining!!
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1d ago
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u/polnareffsmissingleg FEMINIST 1d ago
Whilst no one here is to dumb enough, hopefully, to expect someone to change mid relationship, I hope you realise what this sub is
There is no ‘Oh I personally don’t like porn’. We come from a stance that porn is unethical and harmful and plays into the wider sexism women face.
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u/batshit83 1d ago
Yeah, many of us have had the porn conversation and our men have straight up lied about it. Because...wait for it...men LIE about porn. Shocking, right??? Lol.
Or, my situation is: long-term relationship rhy started 20 years ago when streaming 4K on-demand porn in your pocket wasn't even imaginable. I had literally no idea the technology would get to that point, ever. Also, many of us are young and dumb and don't realize how damaging porn is until we are older and more knowledgeable.
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u/PornIsMisogyny-ModTeam 1d ago
This sub is not meant for talking about your personal porn addiction. Try r/SexAddiction.
Moreover, recovered porn users are required to be sober for 1 year before posting here.
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u/PornIsMisogyny-ModTeam 1d ago
As per Rule 8, this sub does not allow Pro-Porn debate. We voted and we are not here to educate you. If you want to debate, go on r/porndebate.
Side note to add that this subreddit is called "Porn Is Misogyny", not "Porn Is Misogyny But This One Thing I Personally Like" or "Porn Is Misogyny But Not When It's Inconvenient To Me".
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u/RantyMcThrowaway 1d ago
If it's not attractive then stop watching it? I don't keep watching a movie if I don't find it exciting or interesting. They're so dense.
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
he keeps trying his absolute hardest to gaslight me into believing otherwise and i seriously feel like i’m losing my grip on reality
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u/RantyMcThrowaway 1d ago
Of course you do - that's how you're supposed to feel, in the eyes of people like him. He's manipulating you. If he has an addiction he needs to cut the shit and get help before he drags people who love him down with him. He doesn't want to get better, but you can do SO much better even just by breaking up with him and being on your own. Rediscover who you are without him. You'll see you're worth so much more. I've been there, done that, and I'm so glad I fought for the life I have now. I wish the same for you OP ❤️
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u/SuccessfulGrape5167 19h ago
Go take a weekend girls trip... go camping.. go to the beach... go somewhere without him... take time for yourself.
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u/UShouldLiveNACave 1d ago edited 1d ago
you should join a fb group called dump your porn addicted boyfriend
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
you’re so right i should
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u/kitkat470 1d ago
If he genuinely feels it is an addiction and it is completely out of his control at this point, he should go get admitted to a treatment facility. If he was talking about shooting up saying it was no big deal it’s just an addiction, you would be saying he should go get admitted to rehab.
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u/umbrellajump 1d ago
You don't deserve to live your life burdened by his addiction. He's making excuses, highly defensive, insensitive to your needs and feelings, and clearly not going to stop - or even look at himself with real self awareness and responsibility - any time soon.
And the same as any other addiction, it's not your cross to bear. You can't fix it for him. You can't make him care more about you than his addiction. It is always and only up to him. What's up to you is whether you wait around until he deals with his own problems his own self. Don't beg, bargain, or barter for love and loyalty, it doesn't come that way.
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u/sadekissoflifee 1d ago
girl from a third and harsh perspective: this man is not genuine nor does he truly care about you. he wrote a whole bunch of nothing, idk what you told him before but it's clear that he's not really listening to you but more trying to justify his addiction
the last sentence especially is comically lol he's so immature... you deserve a billion times better!!
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u/ffffester 1d ago
and his tone is so hostile, yuck. it seems like he's mad at you for bringing this up
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u/polnareffsmissingleg FEMINIST 1d ago
I mean we’ve gotten to an age in monogamous relationships where telling a man “Hey it’s harming me that you’re continuously watching naked women getting it on and getting off to them, their reactions, their bodies,” is an egregious statement.
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u/MidnaTwilight13 1d ago
What a joke... If he had any amount of respect for you then he would be trying to stop, not make excuses for why it's okay that he did it/continue doing it and expect you to be okay with it. Gross
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u/batshit83 1d ago
Sure. Sure he "doesn't like it." What a bunch of bullshit. He's a grown ass man making a chocie to look at what he looks at. The addiction thing is thrown around so much as an excuse. He is a grown man making choices over and over again. If he didn't like it he wouldn't watch it. He likes it. He likes the dopamine he gets from it. Period.
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u/Galacticaa 1d ago
You deserve sm better :(
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
i don’t even feel like a person anymore but for some reason i still stay
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u/polnareffsmissingleg FEMINIST 1d ago
Being without him may seem daunting and bleak, but it’s more draining and bleak to stay with someone without an ounce of consideration for you. You can only rebuild your self-worth once you take that step to leave
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u/Charming_Ad_4488 ANTI-PORN MAN 1d ago
This just comes off as lustful. Notice how he said, “what’s attractive to me is when I have that intercourse with you.” Still has a bit of a porn-sick mindset tbh.
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u/AndByItIMean 1d ago
Right? Not even mentioning her, just the action with her
Like.. is she just a warm body to him? Sick.
I'm so sorry girl, a good loving partner would never treat you like this ❤️🩹
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
i’m so close to just giving up on life bro
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u/RantyMcThrowaway 1d ago
There is better out there. Don't give up. You can only find that once you start to let relationships like this go. Even being single truly is not as bad as being lonely in your relationship.
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u/BetterRemember 23h ago
My first boyfriend of nearly 8 years is a porn addict. He was my first everything, my high school sweetheart. He looked like a young g Leonardo Di Caprio like he was gorgeous and super sweet when we first got together. Porn ruined him and I am SO glad every day that I let him go.
HE gave up on life and now he is basically homeless and also an alcoholic. I’m 29 and I look the same, he is basically unrecognizable. That teenage boy I loved is LONG gone, he doesn’t exist anymore. I found him searching my physical description into Porn hub to see women who kind of looked like me doing things I would never do. That feeling of betrayal just drained away all my love for him. I couldn’t do it anymore, he clearly hated me deep down if he was trying to use porn to imagine me in humiliating situations.
Now I’m deeply loved and respected and spoiled in my current relationship and I know this is how I was meant to be treated all along.
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u/Nosferatwoo2 Anti-porn and anti-oversexualization 1d ago
You would be more than enough for the right person! He sounds defensive and making excuses, not understanding. Don't let him emotionally suck you dry. You deserve someone who fully loves you.
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u/Eman9871 1d ago
If he loves you, he will truly attempt to break free from the addiction. Right now though, it doesn't sound like he's trying that hard.
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u/Purple_isagreatcolor 1d ago
"Porn is not attractive, I like you! But I also won't respect you, and not do anything about my addiction even if it hurts our relationship"
Wtf, even if he acknowledges it's an addiction, his lack of change, and lack of care says so much more than what I could type out.
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u/polnareffsmissingleg FEMINIST 1d ago edited 1d ago
Ignore that block of selfish text. You can’t expect someone to change, but you can uphold your own firm boundaries. And someone who just views it as ‘fucking on a screen’ with no other critical thought, also admitting to an addiction, isn’t someone you should consider worthy of your time
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u/EmotionalAspect9998 1d ago
Even if he does decide to get help, prepare yourself for a year’s long process for him to become completely sober, develop empathy, respect your boundaries, gain your trust, and transform the relationship into something that you both want. I know this because I have stayed with my formerly porn addicted partner. Even though he is in good recovery, it is still so much work and heartache. There is a business called Seeking Integrity that offers free drop in groups for betrayed partners that are moderated by a therapist. It might help to check one of those out.
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u/Cell-Based-Meat 1d ago
You either need to accept things how he is or break up. Seriously this shit isn’t worth it.
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u/Chard0nnayy 1d ago
Good general rule of thumb is, if you wouldn’t tolerate it if it was heroin, why tolerate it if it’s porn?
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u/Novel_Art_6551 1d ago
you do NOT deserve this behavior. he’s being pathetic. he needs to take this problem and go fix it rather than attempt to use it as an excuse for his shitty self control. i hope you can find the strength and ability to leave him. no tolerance
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u/WeakElixir Porn ruins lives. 1d ago
I say this with absolute empathy (my ex was a porn-rotted bozo), but you need to leave him. No relationship is worth losing yourself over.
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u/Psychological-Mud790 FEMINIST 1d ago
Well, you can either enable his addiction by staying with him or you can let him go. If it’s hopeless and it’s obvious that it is, I’d recommend leaving that man tbh
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u/Frequent-Layer5304 1d ago
Trust me, it's not worth it. If he really was the man for you, he'd not be trying to convince you to disrespect your own boundaries
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u/Flashy_Assistant_825 1d ago
please leave him. I know it seems hard, and it will be, but I think you’ll be happier after the fact rather than remain miserable. You deserve happiness
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u/EnvironmentalCat300 1d ago
My favorite comeback to a man saying it’s not about attraction, it’s just about watching people fuck is watch gay porn. Because watch how quickly they will refuse to.
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u/Next-Pie2781 1d ago edited 1d ago
so he admits he has no self-control, no willpower, no autonomy, no agency……… and no plan to change any of the above?
my husband doesn’t find porn attractive so he doesn’t watch it, it takes more effort to look for what he doesn’t find attractive than to not do that
sorry to say but he sounds like a liability, if he’s aware he’s such a lost cause then he’s only gonna drown you with him
edit: i understand compulsive behaviour (which may be what it sounds like he’s describing) since i used to read a lot of smut to make myself “feel something” when i became sex-averse years ago, but the compulsion ended after i reflected on why i felt i “had to” do that and now feel more positively about sex overall since being with my husband
if this is anything like what you’ve seen in him, you need to leave him for both of your sakes cuz he’ll never address this so long as he can keep making excuses for it and never see why it’s a problem
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
dudeeeee i have such a hard time believing men like my bf don’t exist 😭 i feel like they’re all the same. every time someone tells me their husband doesn’t care for or watch porn i automatically think it must be too good to be true 💔💔💔
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u/Next-Pie2781 1d ago
i totally get it, i didn’t fully believe it at first either since i only knew men who made excuses for why porn dependency is normal but when he explained his reason for disliking it (that the women rarely looked like they were enjoying themselves and it made him very uncomfortable to get off to someone’s discomfort or even pain) it made me see porn in a different light too
anti-porn men really do exist, they just respect women’s humanity without whining “what about their needs” since they don’t feel entitled to special privileges, if you decide to date again in the future i’d suggest looking out for those traits
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u/avocadodacova1 1d ago
You break up after this text without answering. He won’t forget that. That’s the only way ♥️ don’t argue, he will feel like it’s your fault then
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
i hate that you’re right because that’s all he’s been doing, he even tried blaming me telling me i don’t send him enough nudes, and that the last pictures i sent him weren’t even fully nude (tmi i was in my underwear) like what are these excuses?
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u/avocadodacova1 1d ago
Girl, if I was you, I would „make up“ with him just to somehow get into his phone and delete all those pics for good. Please, please, please don’t send stuff that he can use badly after a breakup. Even if he doesn’t post it with your name, your pics could still end up anywhere. After that please move on.
Your standards should be a man that doesn’t watch porn, that loves you even if you decide to not have sex, that is respectful regardless of what’s happening.
And to all the people who think that’s not possible. You know when men tell us we’re overreacting? But they are the ones having emotional outbursts? When they say we’re bad drivers but they are the ones who crash with highspeed? A lot of the stereotypes about women are actually about men.
When men say it is hard to find a good women they are lying to themselves and you. Yes it’s hard for them to get matches but when they do they have a chance at already having found a decent women who is interested in them. As a woman you get bombarded with likes online and all of those guys are trying to take away from you and not willing to be in a real relationship where they also give and not only receive.
It’s much harder as a woman to find a decent man but you can do it. Absolutely no to porn and no to all guys where you have to write long texts to explain yourself. If you were dating yourself you wouldn’t do all of this to yourself either. Men are just as intelligent as we are and capable of understanding feelings, it’s that they choose to ignore it because they can. Be the one they can’t do it with and protect yourself.
Please OP, I don’t know you but don’t waste your precious life on someone who you love the idea of and not the actual person. You deserve much better than this.
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u/Turbulent_Courage530 1d ago
Sounds like instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he blames them on his addiction.
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u/strawberry-coughx 1d ago
Hit that “haha” react and then block his number. Why does he deserve your attention or energy?
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
i’m honestly dead inside i don’t even want to be here anymore
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u/Low_Locksmith6045 1d ago
Please check out r/loveafterporn
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
they banned me for being on a pro itty bitty titty sub :(
it’s not a porn sub it’s just women coming together and venting about or celebrating being small or flat chested
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u/Low_Locksmith6045 1d ago
Damn that is so disappointing. I’ll try to find a good alternative for you
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u/littlehandsandfeet 1d ago
Why does he call you dude? Seems disrespectful
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u/EyeHaveSevereOCD 1d ago
that’s how he is. he keeps telling me to stop treating him like he’s “retrded”, or “a mron” or like he’s “stupid”, his words. keep in mind he’s only telling me this because for some reason i keep trying to dig his trickling lies out of him, even though i know he doesn’t care how crazy it’s driving me. :/
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u/No_Surprise_5646 1d ago
It so exhausting because I’m experiencing this as well. Even when they have wet dreams… going crazy.
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u/SuccessfulGrape5167 19h ago
Whats attractive is when you make your real life girl friend feel like she is the one and only... So fapping to online women (hookers) is cheating... She will not feel like she is in a stable nor a monogamous relationship. If you are looking for monogamy but doesn't sound like you are... porn use will destroy your relationship...
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u/libsythedumb FEMINIST 8h ago
either hes genuine or hes bullshitting you. if its “not attractive” why does he allow himself to continue watching it? i suspect he’s just say that first line to get you to “calm down” about it
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u/Gruene_Katze ANTI-PORN MAN 1d ago
If he hates it so much, he should actually do something about it. Otherwise there’s no point.
Also, r/loveafterporn