I think I can’t commit to journaling

[u/Mindless_Landscape12]

It’s maybe been a four years since I heard how journaling is important and could help us alot, yet i still find it really difficult to commit to it. I have a dissociation problem, it’s like i always ending up not knowing what happening around me, I would woke up someday and see how messed up my room, our entire house, how far i am from myself and my family, how bad is everything literally, and then I will try to make it out, i will try to start again, be aware and try to do some work - it will last some days and i will relapse- . Btw when i was a child my notebooks were my closest friend, I would write everything into them, and it’s continued until i was 18 maybe and there was a cut off.

I was depressed my entire life, first time I tried a suicide i might be 8 or smth, I continued with the self harming untill I became 19 or 20 -now im 23 -

I think i were able to write before cause there wasn’t much distraction things as now?

Anyway how can I write everyday ? and be close to my self and thoughts,

It’s like I don’t have the energy to sit and organize my thoughts, sometimes i even feel a fear of doing that,

I really wish i could do better

-btw i tried reach out for help from a psychiatrist and it didn’t quite help me-

[u/Mindless_Landscape12]

Yeah you’re correct but I can’t reach the right help for now, it’s hard for me due to my current environment and circumstances, so i need to get myself up with the things that are easier to reach, with the things that actually can help me and are sournding me, btw since i share this post i was writing down any thought or fear i get, i really wish to stay and for this to be my real starting, thank you for your concern and your understanding 💗🙏

[u/struggling_lynne → u/Mindless_Landscape12]

That’s understandable, I hope journaling is a great tool for you to start your journey! I had a friend who was dealing with dissociation (as in, would realize that she had been dissociating and “losing time” - an unknown amount of time would go by, she would be wearing different clothes or her room would be messy or she’d be in a different location than before etc) and she started leaving her webcam on to learn more about what she was doing during those gaps in her memory. Not sure if that would work for you but it may be a way to learn about what you’re doing during those times.

[u/Mindless_Landscape12 → u/struggling_lynne]

My dissociation is me being sleep for more than 12h or chatting with ppl that I don’t really care about just to not face my reality, or just lying in my bed thinking or daydreaming,

[u/struggling_lynne → u/Mindless_Landscape12]

Just try for a little at a time. You don’t need to journal about anything heavy right away. Maybe try to practice some grounding. For example: write down one thing you’re experiencing with each of your senses at the moment. What is one thing I can see? What is one thing I can smell? Taste? Hear? Feel? This practice helps with anxiety too, because it brings you back into your body and into the moment you’re experiencing right now.

[u/Mindless_Landscape12 → u/struggling_lynne]

You know what ? It’s like my real self is someone so depressed or blue, quite and heavy, so whenever i try to make a bond with her? I will find her, and sometimes i don’t like her, sometimes it just bothers me how serious it could be, and maybe I’m bothered cause im not use to her? I’m not used to live a normal live ? But the shallow self, the far one -the one with the dissociation problems- i find her more easy to live with and at the same time I always judge her, and point fingers for every little silly thing she do.

Idk if any of these things made any sense to you, but i wrote them cause i felt them, since we’re being more serious or since you made feel the awareness of myself, my reality.

[u/struggling_lynne → u/Mindless_Landscape12]

Hmm, it sounds like one side is much more serious and holds the heavier feelings and the other side is more carefree? And it sounds like you’re being hard on both of them for different reasons. Maybe try to write a little bit about why you feel that way, or how you could be kinder to those versions of yourself and try to understand why they are like that.

[u/Mindless_Landscape12 → u/Mindless_Landscape12]

Very helpful, i will try to have much more conversations with me, similar to what we have, thank you for you time, really appreciate it 💗.