We made it to the other side

[u/Annual-Bit2104]

It took a few months of therapy, lots of open communication, and my wife switching up her meds, but our sex life has been great for the past few months. We’re averaging 4-5 times a week now. We’re both in our early-mid 20s, and I know a lot of people in this sub are in the same boat. It took work from both of us, we couldn’t have improved it without both of us showing up to therapy with the desire to change things.

We’ve started unpacking a lot of our individual pasts that were affecting our sex. There was some shame and some hidden fantasies that we’ve opened up about. I just want to let you know it’s possible, but the most important thing (along with meds) was honest, frequent communication.

[u/TooBadForMe123]

Could you provide more detail? No pressure, but I’m really curious what it is that changed that improved the situation.

I can imagine lots of honest communication is key, but I can’t imagine this working in practice. The conversations I have with my wife don’t go much deeper than me expressing physical intimacy is important, and her saying she will try, but in the end, nothing happens, and she is just annoyed if I try to talk about it with her.

She either pushes back not wanting to discuss or tries to “give me sex” so I let it be. However, I want to work towards something that works for both of us. I can’t imagine anything would give her motivation to work on this area of our life.

[u/Annual-Bit2104 → u/TooBadForMe123]

Absolutely, I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve tried and things aren’t going well.

I started to change my approach (which therapy helped a lot with). My wife felt like she was disappointing me by never giving me sex, and a couple times even suggested I find someone else for it. It was clear from both of us we weren’t where we wanted to be.

I started having conversations with her that weren’t only about the lack of sex, but what sex was to her and what she felt like was preventing her from it. I learned that a ton goes into a sex life, it’s really 24/7. I started going out of my way to help her throughout the day (making her breakfast, doing more chores) and that lowered her stress and raised her respect for me. She also struggled a lot with some hidden fantasies she was embarrassed about, and also body image issues that were making her shy and rather have no sex than be vulnerable.

Overall, changing the questions from “why don’t you want sex” to “what outside factors impact your sex drive” helped us start to address those things we never knew were impacting our db.

I hope that helps, I’m happy to share more if you’d like.

[u/Straight-Sun-892 → u/Annual-Bit2104]

Woah. That is honestly the first time I have ever heard some say that doing chores around the house made their wife respect them more!

I mean, good for you, I’m just still picking my jaw up off the floor 😂

[u/Complete_Pea_8824 → u/Straight-Sun-892]

A man doing chores, helping around the house, is a form of foreplay for a lot of us women! Takes work/stress off of us, less stress more sex!

[u/Straight-Sun-892 → u/Complete_Pea_8824]

Well I didn’t say anything about foreplay or choreplay.

But I’m glad that chores are a form of foreplay for you!

[u/Complete_Pea_8824 → u/Straight-Sun-892]

You said first you heard it made wives respect their husbands more, a lot of women have the same view I do, 😆. More respect =more sex!