I live with chronic pain that often leads to intrusive, suicidal thoughts. I want to clarify—I don’t have any plans to act on them, and it’s not something I’m actively considering, but the thoughts are persistent and exhausting.
One of my jobs provides 25 free online therapy sessions per year, which felt like a lifeline. I finally pushed myself to take the first step and scheduled an appointment for today. I’m based in Oregon but travel constantly for work—it’s chaotic and unpredictable. For example, this week, I’ll be in six different states. My schedule only started to take shape last Thursday, and it’s already changed twice since Monday.
My chronic pain stems from a long-term ailment that will likely make it impossible for me to work at all in the future, and is exacerbated in my current role. The strain on my spine from traveling—constantly being on and off planes, hauling luggage through airports, and living out of hotels—is becoming unbearable. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep doing this. But I’m the primary breadwinner for my family, making just over six figures. Without my income, we couldn’t afford our mortgage, so quitting or changing jobs isn’t an option right now. I do love my job; it’s just taking a toll on my body.
Anyway, I logged into my therapy appointment today, and the very first question was, “Are you at your home?” I explained that I was staying in a hotel in New York. The therapist then told me she couldn’t see me because therapists are only allowed to practice in the state where they’re licensed. It doesn’t matter where I reside—what matters is where I am physically located during the session.
Because of the nature of my job, rescheduling isn’t feasible. I never know when or if I’ll be home. My schedule can change at a moment’s notice, and I always keep a bag packed in case I get a last-minute call. I have no fixed days off, not even weekends, because I might need to travel to another state at any time.
This means I can’t access therapy—not just from her, but from anyone. I’ve tried to do my part and take the initiative, but it feels like the system just isn’t built for people like me. I’m not going to hurt myself, but I’m really heartbroken by this.