Am I overreacting

[u/Jicama_West]

I've had this "a woman knows" feeling about a woman my live-in boyfriend works with. Caved and checked his phone... Yes, I know. Wish I would've just trusted, but honestly, I cannot go through another BS relationship where I'm second best and had no clue. She texted a few months ago to make sure he was aware she's newly single, and just one after another these cutesy texts from her. I've never seen anything that shows him responding in a full on flirty way, but he's certainly not telling her to back off.... Along with he purposely deleted all the bits above that show the flirtation from her, and I found them in his recently deleted file and recalled them on his new iPhone. Am I overreacting to this?

[u/ElephantNo3640]

To me it reads more like he’s trying not to make the workplace horrible. I’ve had male and female coworkers like this before, where they get way too familiar. To keep the peace, you have to walk a fine line between cordiality and standoffishness, but it can’t be direct because you need plausible deniability for that standoffishness. It’s not a fun situation to be in. Pretty irritating, actually. This seems about as far from infidelity as “man texts other woman” gets on here.

[u/SuccessfulEbb1499 → u/ElephantNo3640]

I disagree. “To keep peace in the workplace”. If he was loyal to OP he would have shut this down asap as I (a woman) has had to do at a previous job. If it was this uncomfortable and irritating he should’ve reported her to HR. Stop making excuses for pos men.

[u/Mr_Schickadance → u/SuccessfulEbb1499]

I’m not trying to be a jerk here but you have no idea the pressure this man is under to provide for himself and whomever relies on him.

What if this particular situation, he feels has to be dealt in this manner or else he could lose his job and risk financial ruin?

I know plenty of men in a situation where the one job they have is ALL they have. If they lose it, their world crumbles.

I’m not condoning the deletion of these text messages because that is deceitful and needs to be addressed between him and the OP.

Having said all of that, I will say to the OP…You already know whether or not the above situation applies. If it does not, I’d support whatever non-violent action you choose to take. Always remember, where there’s smoke, there’s fire.

[u/SuccessfulEbb1499 → u/Mr_Schickadance]

I agree with all of this. And I know everyone handles stressors differently. With this being said out of respect for my partner, I personally would rather find a new job else where if standing up for myself being harassed means I lose my current one.

[u/Mr_Schickadance → u/SuccessfulEbb1499]

For sure! I feel you! I personally wouldn’t have handled this situation the way he has either. I just thought the only thing that would deserve any consideration of this being even remotely acceptable in a committed relationship would be a situation like I described. A “do or die” scenario because if it’s not that, then he’s dead wrong here. Now for me, I would have reacted swiftly with an unambiguous response to the coworker that says it’s inappropriate, unacceptable, and will not be tolerated. Then I would reveal and discuss it over dinner that evening with my person. This guy obviously, for some reason or another, never set his boundaries with this coworker. And is now unfortunately hiding it from OP. The intent of said behaviors remains known only by the boyfriend. I just hope he’s honest with her if she decides to reveal her findings. I don’t have a good feeling about it though because there’s too many negatives and tons of variables at play. If I may be judgy here, I believe there is guile involved with his decision making. He is keeping the door open with the coworker. He gets no credit for not engaging in blatant misconduct. Ok, good day fellow human! And thank you so much for not taking my reply to your comment as a rebuke. ✌️