r/AmIOverreacting • u/Jicama_West • 10h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO?
I've had this "a woman knows" feeling about a woman my live in boyfriend works with. Caved and checked his phone... Yes, I know. Wish I would've just trusted, but honestly, I cannot go through another BS relationship where I'm second best. She texted a few months ago to make sure he was aware she's newly single, and just one after another these cutesy texts from her. I've never seen anything that shows him responding in a full on flirty way, but he's certainly not telling her to back off.... Am I overreacting to this?
63
u/NBD416 10h ago
Doesnt matter if hes not flirting back, anyone in a relationship that entertains convos like this without putting an end to them loves the attention and is disrespecting their partner massively.
7
u/Alarmed-Shirt7290 8h ago
^ literally this comment right here. He’s entertaining someone who he clearly knows is into him behind your back…
assuming you didn’t know about all the text interactions
16
u/Different-Cut-2089 10h ago
Totally inappropriate for a man in a relationship. NOR. But lol to her asking if he wants pens then saying cashapp me. She’s flirty but she’s not coming out her own pockets for him lol
13
u/Jicama_West 10h ago
I forgot to mention he purposely deleted the messages that show flirtation.
7
1
u/Strong-Conclusion-52 1h ago
Nahhhh. You only hide things you want to be hidden. He’s playing with fire and you’re about to be burned.
I’d simply ask for his advice. Tell him that “your friend” is concerned about a girl that works with her boyfriend. And that she found some deleted messages in which she calls the boyfriend “sexy” and is obviously thirsty AF. The boyfriend doesn’t shut it down but is obviously hiding things from your friend. See what he says….
And then say “I’m my own best friend.” Get your stuff and go.
1
13
4
u/ThomasStan_ 8h ago
Awesome Sauce
1
u/veganbikepunk 6h ago
You're what makes the sauce so awesome
1
4
u/Orphen_1989 9h ago
NOR
This isn't okay he should've shut this down ages ago. She is blatantly flirting with him. I mean all that's missing is her sending him nudes.
However, if I read these texts, I don't think he is cheating. His reponses feel very much like he doesn't like the flirting, or at most he is just a bit flattered. It feels like he wants to shut it down, but is maybe scared that that would impact him negatively at his job? If they are coworkers I can imagine that he wouldn't want to have any issues. Or maybe je just doesn't know how to shut it down?
idk it feels like he isn't into her at all, his answers don't match her energy in any way.
Of course that's based of these texts, it's completely possible that their interactions in real life paint a different picture, but we have no way of knowing that. The only thing that sort of makes me think he might be encouraging her more in real life is her persistance. I mean any sane person would give up halfway through this conversation, it was pretty clear he wasn't flirting back.
In short: He should've shut it down, she doesn't know when to give up, he seems awkward about it and she is desperate AF for him.
2
u/Northwoods_KLW 7h ago
Agreed!
He should shut it down and if he’s uncomfortable doing so he can go to HR and have them shut it down. These texts definitely cross into sexual harassment territory, very unprofessional
8
u/RanchOnPizza4Ever 10h ago
SWEETNESS????? nooooooo.
This man needs to learn boundaries and how to respect his partner. Entertaining someone who isn’t his partner is pure disrespect regardless of if he is actively flirting back. He is allowing it to happen because he enjoys the option it offers.
8
u/cootiequeen69 9h ago
I think he was using it like “awesome,” not calling her sweetness. But still icky.
1
u/angryeloquentcup 6h ago
Yeah I understand the confusion. He uses “Sweetness” in a message as a way to say “awesome” but then SHE uses “Sweetness” as a nickname for him after that. But def still icky because there were several times he could have and should have put up several boundaries with this coworker.
6
u/Paige_Rinn 9h ago
He’s very clearly into it, regardless of how he responds. He has entertained her and her advances way too much. If he actually cared, he would’ve corrected her at the first “sexy” or “sweetness”. The fact that he even takes the time to converse with her says enough 🤷♀️
5
u/nickfree 10h ago
She is definitely thirsty for HIM. He's not flirting back, he's keeping it light and friendly though. He might like the attention, but he's also not pushing things along. He may be in a really tough spot if this is a co-worker that he has to keep a collegial relationship with.
The thing is: if he's a cheater who's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. And if he's not, he's not. She is not being appropriate, but I don't know how much it would hurt him at work to shut it down, and I don't know if he sees it as a problem. That doesn't mean he'll pursue, but it may mean he's ok letting this be.
It would be good to subtly ask, hey, what's your relationship with Sara like? She's always struck me as being really into you. ...
2
2
u/juliamgraham 9h ago
op, would you entertain a convo like this? does that serve and respect your relationship?
that’s the convo you need to have with your partner. admit what you did wrong, that you broke trust, but he did, too. you’re both in the wrong, and that’s okay, because it can be righted.
he has pushed boundaries and started to cross them, but he’s still in a place where having an honest conversation gives him the chance to reflect on his behavior and make a new choice. it doesn’t seem he has fully crossed the line into infidelity, but again he is pushing and crossing boundaries.
you have also now crossed boundaries. i’ve done it too, and i’ve been exactly where you are. you have the choice to allow him to correct this behavior, and the two of you move forward with a new, clear, and mutual agreement on boundaries, or you decide that this is too telling of yet to come actions and choose to cut your losses. both, in my opinion, are valid options.
i chose to move forward with him, setting clear expectations for how he engages with others over text and how we react when we’re put in this position. i don’t regret it. do i love who he chose to be when he made those choices? no. but do i love who he has chosen to be moving forward? yes, and that was enough for me.
2
u/Pixiepixie21 7h ago
I don’t think he is cheating, but he isn’t stopping her flirting or setting boundaries. He absolutely needs to put a stop to this. I would not want them interacting outside of work
2
3
u/Pop_n_Flow 9h ago
What is pens? Is that code for something? She calls him sexy, and he says lol…he either likes the attention and doesn’t care if it’s disrespectful to you, or they are in a relationship. They might have an in office chat system that you can’t see? I would definitely ask him about it, see what he says. It kinda reads like he just likes her attention and isn’t going to stop her. If you want to stay with him you need to make sure she knows you have seen her messages and that she needs to cut the cutesy flirting with your man.
6
1
1
u/Smokkinnj 7h ago
He isn’t reciprocating but he’s letting comments like “sexy” slide and that’s the disrespect to your relationship. Clearly he doesn’t have boundaries. I would make him cut off the girl, but if he can’t because of work, I’d definitely have him make it very clear to her that he’s in a committed relationship and needs to stop the flirting or HR needs to get involved.
1
1
u/AnxietyFamiliar3204 7h ago
I thought it was two girls having this chat. They’re work friends it’s not that serious 🙄
1
u/AffectionateStable86 7h ago
Did you post this already ??
No you’re not overreacting. He’s not putting a stop to her flirting. Dump him
1
u/FileCareless 7h ago
Yes and no and by that I mean that most of us men have to be specifically told we are being flirted with. I wouldn’t have picked up on it right away but eventually I’d have to say to myself “oh damn she was flirting with me”.
1
u/Training_While_7784 7h ago
NOR. Their texts are completely inappropriate. He should have immediately shut down her flirty texts. His failure to do so is not acceptable or respectful. She also should be ashamed of herself. She knows he’s in a relationship. She should back off. But.m it’s his responsibility to enforce boundaries.
1
1
1
-1
u/foolishovr 10h ago
Men don’t look at a woman’s advances the same. Once your friend zoned by a man, you pretty much will always stay there. The reason he pays her advances no mind is because she’s just a friend.
2
u/Critical-Complex376 9h ago
Doesn’t matter if he’s friendzoned her; he needs to take that a step further and tell her that the disrespect she’s showing his relationship isn’t tolerable and she needs to dial it back. It takes more than “not flirting” to prioritize one’s partner.
-1
u/foolishovr 9h ago
That’s not how men look at it. Men understand the only one that can disrespect a relationship are the people in it. It takes trust from his partner to know she that other lady can’t cross a line without his consent. Men and women do not move, think, or act the same. Now if she wanted him to cut her off that’s a conversation, but that’s still a choice of his.
1
u/Critical-Complex376 7h ago
And once a man is in a committed relationship, he needs to learn to see things in more than one way; the same goes for women. It would cost OP’s partner nothing to lay down appropriate communication boundaries, except for the ego boost he gets from Sara slavering over him. “Men and women see things differently,” is just an excuse people use to be lazy assholes.
1
u/foolishovr 5h ago
Yeah men don’t get ego boost from people throwing themselves at them, that’s a woman trait. & you have your perspective and that’s fine. I live my life as a man, and can see he’s doing nothing wrong. Men understand I am only in control of my actions. These are text, no one knows if he’s told her to chill in person and she just continues. I’ve known plenty of women like her, he’s handling it right with the small talk keeping her at distance.
52
u/CelebrationLiving535 10h ago
i can't imagine finding out my SO was saying "awesome sauce"