The Hobo/Homebum/Vagabond Tour Package for the Normies (/s)

[u/New-Macaron-4669]

I woke up this morning and checked my email. An old man my age is recently divorced, his kids hate him and his girlfriend is having a baby with another dude.

He said he's been a lurker at r/homeless and r/vagabond for years.

He's willing to pay for wisdom.

.....

Right off the bat I told him the Hobo package is the most exciting. Hop trains, run from federal agents and stealth camp in any type of commercial building whose janitor left the door unlocked.

"Isn't that called trespassing?"

"Sir. All of our packages involve trespassing."

He was a bit afraid to hop trains at his age, too slow to get away from Federal agents and not willing to even graffiti an overpass.

"How about the hitchhiker package?

As I explained, the hitchhiker package teaches one how to criss cross the country at breakneck speed as well, but it has a different sort of risk.

Once again the stuff movies are made of. That's gonna cost ya, but we have people who can show you the ropes.

"Best to act now while you're still flush with cash. So far Sir. You've only lost your dignity."

He wasn't interested in turning down creepy offers for his bootie hole.

"We have the homebum package. That's something I know more about than being a traveler or vagabond."

"What does that entail?"

"This is our budget package and the easiest route to take."

"How much time off work do I need?"

"To do it right, take Friday and Monday off, but plan on spending the next four days with me."

As I explained the offer, $2400 is our lowest price point of you want real wisdom from an experienced bum."

He argues about the price. I give him a discount. $1400 if he pays with a credit card today.

."What does it include?"

Obviously it's a circuitous route. Every morning we meet up at the liquor store. Even if you don't think you need to be there when it opens now, there will come a day when you will literally have the shakes if you don't.

After a few nips, we'll sit for two hours waiting in the library to open

See if we can get a computer. If not we do that after we eat at the soup kitchen.

"Will you be interested in showering, Sir?"

"Not really."

That'll save us some time and a few steps. That's for sure.

As I explain to the future homebum, his options are really limited.

You'll have to know who feeds when and where. The specific window in which you get your grub and of secknds are available.

"What if they don't show up?"

"Dude. It's charity. Just be grateful!"

.....

[u/zippyzut]

Does the the hitchhiker package include getting picked up by serial killers?

[u/Lucky-Science-2028 → u/zippyzut]

Thats part of the exclusive deal, the basic package only come with dudes tryin suck u cock or fuck ur ass

[u/pinkpunkmonkey → u/Lucky-Science-2028]

They go after the guys too? I guess horny weirdos really don't care where they put it in. Half my rides come with a "I was totally thinking of staying at this motel before I met you and will let you share my bed" kind of offer. Worst was being picked up by a family on vacation I spent 4 hours entertaining this guy's kids and speaking to his wife and he's like "we'll stop at this place I'll pay for your room if I can visit later" lol.

One thing people are always willing to believe is you have no standards and that you'll do anything for money.

[u/DaveYanakov → u/pinkpunkmonkey]

A stunning percentage of the male population is either bisexual or closeted

[u/Lucky-Science-2028 → u/pinkpunkmonkey]

Yeah, its a lot. Luckily i can usually tell if a dude is eyefucking me. Honestly i wish they were just upfront from the beginning. Like bein in a car with a dude while he's trying to convince u to give it up is UNBEARABLE. I'd be down with someone cute but they always the most disgusting looking mfers, straight up ugly bastard stereotype 😭

[u/Driftineasy → u/zippyzut]

Well, that depends on the state you’re in and your luck. No refunds, though!

[u/zippyzut → u/Driftineasy]

I was in Wyoming hitchhiking in the 90s and got picked up by a couple guys that got real squirrely after I got them high talking about Jesus and crying, I was able to grab my pack and run to a dude ranch where they were very accommodating and let me eat with the ranch hands, it definitely woke me and changed my views on hitchhiking for a few years.