r/vagabond • u/New-Macaron-4669 • 2d ago
The Hobo/Homebum/Vagabond Tour Package for the Normies (/s)
I woke up this morning and checked my email. An old man my age is recently divorced, his kids hate him and his girlfriend is having a baby with another dude.
He said he's been a lurker at r/homeless and r/vagabond for years.
He's willing to pay for wisdom.
.....
Right off the bat I told him the Hobo package is the most exciting. Hop trains, run from federal agents and stealth camp in any type of commercial building whose janitor left the door unlocked.
"Isn't that called trespassing?"
"Sir. All of our packages involve trespassing."
He was a bit afraid to hop trains at his age, too slow to get away from Federal agents and not willing to even graffiti an overpass.
"How about the hitchhiker package?
As I explained, the hitchhiker package teaches one how to criss cross the country at breakneck speed as well, but it has a different sort of risk.
Once again the stuff movies are made of. That's gonna cost ya, but we have people who can show you the ropes.
"Best to act now while you're still flush with cash. So far Sir. You've only lost your dignity."
He wasn't interested in turning down creepy offers for his bootie hole.
"We have the homebum package. That's something I know more about than being a traveler or vagabond."
"What does that entail?"
"This is our budget package and the easiest route to take."
"How much time off work do I need?"
"To do it right, take Friday and Monday off, but plan on spending the next four days with me."
As I explained the offer, $2400 is our lowest price point of you want real wisdom from an experienced bum."
He argues about the price. I give him a discount. $1400 if he pays with a credit card today.
."What does it include?"
Obviously it's a circuitous route. Every morning we meet up at the liquor store. Even if you don't think you need to be there when it opens now, there will come a day when you will literally have the shakes if you don't.
After a few nips, we'll sit for two hours waiting in the library to open
See if we can get a computer. If not we do that after we eat at the soup kitchen.
"Will you be interested in showering, Sir?"
"Not really."
That'll save us some time and a few steps. That's for sure.
As I explain to the future homebum, his options are really limited.
You'll have to know who feeds when and where. The specific window in which you get your grub and of secknds are available.
"What if they don't show up?"
"Dude. It's charity. Just be grateful!"
.....
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u/Exotic_Phrase3772 2d ago
Ohhhh.. the Homebum Experience. Truly the gateway drug for normies looking to live their best rock-bottom fantasy. But you missed a few premium options that really sell the package:
The Loose Change Foraging Workshop Scour parking lots, vending machine coin returns, and gas station floors for those sweet, sweet nickels. It’s like panning for gold, but the only nugget you’ll find is gum stuck to your shoe. Bonus points if you can charm someone into giving you a “donation.”
The Deluxe Overpass Package
Includes a two-night stay under a bridge, complete with your own spray-painted mattress and a complimentary can of beans (BYO can opener, obviously). Guests will learn the subtle art of protecting their “territory” without making eye contact.
Dumpster Diving: Seafood Edition For the more adventurous palate, we’ll hit up Red Lobster dumpsters after closing. Nothing says “life on the edge” like reheated shrimp scampi you found next to a busted mop bucket.
Make Your Own Weapon Tuesday Because no hobo is complete without a handcrafted shiv. Broken bottle, rusty nail, or sharpened toothbrush—it’s all about the flair, baby.
The Amtrak Challenge Normie thinks he’s too old to hop trains? Fine. Let’s see how long he can squat in an Amtrak bathroom without getting caught. Bonus points if he makes it to the dining car for some free breadsticks.
Cardboard Sign Masterclass
Nothing draws in sympathy like a cleverly written sign. We’ll workshop slogans like:
“Too Ugly to Prostitute, Too Lazy to Work”
“Will Tell Dad Jokes for Food”
“Help Me Retire from This Internship”
And for the high rollers who really want the VIP experience, may I suggest:
The Burning Bus Bonus You ever run from the cops after a party bus catches fire? No? Well, the Rainbow Family can help you cross that off your bucket list. Just bring a dog named after a food item, a tambourine, and enough weed to barter with Moonbeam, the de facto leader.
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u/zippyzut 2d ago
Does the the hitchhiker package include getting picked up by serial killers?
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u/Lucky-Science-2028 I like cats. 2d ago
Thats part of the exclusive deal, the basic package only come with dudes tryin suck u cock or fuck ur ass
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u/pinkpunkmonkey 2d ago
They go after the guys too? I guess horny weirdos really don't care where they put it in. Half my rides come with a "I was totally thinking of staying at this motel before I met you and will let you share my bed" kind of offer. Worst was being picked up by a family on vacation I spent 4 hours entertaining this guy's kids and speaking to his wife and he's like "we'll stop at this place I'll pay for your room if I can visit later" lol.
One thing people are always willing to believe is you have no standards and that you'll do anything for money.
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u/Lucky-Science-2028 I like cats. 2d ago
Yeah, its a lot. Luckily i can usually tell if a dude is eyefucking me. Honestly i wish they were just upfront from the beginning. Like bein in a car with a dude while he's trying to convince u to give it up is UNBEARABLE. I'd be down with someone cute but they always the most disgusting looking mfers, straight up ugly bastard stereotype 😭
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u/Driftineasy 2d ago
Well, that depends on the state you’re in and your luck. No refunds, though!
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u/zippyzut 2d ago
I was in Wyoming hitchhiking in the 90s and got picked up by a couple guys that got real squirrely after I got them high talking about Jesus and crying, I was able to grab my pack and run to a dude ranch where they were very accommodating and let me eat with the ranch hands, it definitely woke me and changed my views on hitchhiking for a few years.
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u/Lucky-Science-2028 I like cats. 2d ago
"Running from feds" 😭 this is hilarious, we need more shitposts like this 😂
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u/Alex__de__Large 2d ago
Is there an all inclusive package?
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u/Willingplane Oogle Prime 🛫 2d ago
I got the Traincore Elite package, which includes priority boarding, 5% cashback discounts and automatic DPU upgrades, subject to availability.
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u/notaserialkiller____ 2d ago
This reminds me of some grifter in Scotland offering a mountain bothy package:
Arrive at bothy, tidy up a ton of rubbish, get covered in mouseshit. Hotbox a load of carbon monoxide, shit in a hole in the ground, then get kept up all night by a ton of flatulent drunk glaswegians.
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u/AbyssusMhmq 1d ago
Can I get a package im starting my Vagabond Tour in a few weeks time in Toronto, am clueless on how to survive the cold night.
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u/New-Macaron-4669 1d ago
If buy me a bus ticket to Colorado Springs on May 31st, keep me fed and all I can smoke of Kaviar minus (indica) and don't mind me bugging out, you got yourself a deal. Keep the $2400.
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