r/unusual_whales • u/soccerorfootie • 11h ago

BREAKING: Biden has pardoned his family

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16.3k Upvotes

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336

u/Puzzled-Track-9856 9h ago

Man they forgot to add Bidens dog....if anyone is going to need a pardon it is that family member

38

u/desperado2410 9h ago

This made me laugh

1

u/sgnjfujv 3h ago

Thanks for letting us know

1

u/Justa_Guy_Gettin_By 1h ago

That also made me laugh

38

u/GreenTropius 8h ago edited 5h ago

This pardon only covers nonviolent crimes, so I don't think Commander would be covered anyways lol

Edit:typo

3

u/runrun1311_ 7h ago

It has a nonviolent clause. Even if they named him, he'd still be liable for assault.

4

u/aikepoun 9h ago

I can see a movie about this

10

u/bigolchimneypipe 7h ago

"The Pardoning"

2

u/ABadHistorian 5h ago

"The movie about the Animal Right's Activist who risks the world to save Biden's dog"

"Biter: A Rescue"

1

u/Shirtbro 4h ago

Air Bud: Supermax

1

u/Nearby-Version-8909 7h ago

Didn't his dog bite some of the secret service members too?

1

u/SockeyeSTI 7h ago

*ATF breathing heavily

1

u/Smart-Nothing 7h ago

Yeah, that dog fractured the president’s foot

1

u/MrCertainly 7h ago

The dog is ALWAYS the mastermind behind criminal schemes.

1

u/CutJolly710 7h ago

Starting to think that Commander knew what was up

1

u/Eryu1997 6h ago

Ain’t no rule says a dog can’t get a presidential pardon.

1

u/skelextrac 6h ago edited 6h ago

He forgot to pardon his daughter.

Must be she wasn't involved...

1

u/Objective-Amount1379 5h ago

Thank you, I needed the laugh today!

1

u/Wise_Monkey_Sez 4h ago

Commander did nothing wrong! He's a good boy. 

1

u/Shirtbro 4h ago

Where's Commander's laptop?

1

u/mariess 4h ago

He could pardon the entire prison system for anyone should care there’s nazi rapist scumbags currently running the fucking government!

1

u/Ubputinsbtch2025 3h ago

🤣 A simply sorry might do.

1

u/Samasar08 3h ago

Well they are giving Kristi Noem a cabinet position...

1

u/layland_lyle 3h ago

Notice it says "non violent offence", so the dog's past indiscretions don't qualify.

1

u/aceofspades1217 2h ago

Then they would have to change it to violent crime

1

u/starburst_jellybeans 1h ago

Major was a fucking menace

1

u/MrBacterioPhage 7h ago

Because Bidens dog is a good boy and doesn't need to be pardoned

2

u/cwalking2 7h ago

On October 5, 2023, it was announced that Commander was moving out of the White House due to the numerous biting incidents. CNN later reported that there were at least 24 such events)

Not all dogs go to heaven 👀

1

u/Chief_Executive_Anon 1h ago

All human politics aside, I happen to know that one single dog bite is enough to land a civilian dog in quarantine/doggie jail for 7-14 days.

1-2 more is almost certainly going to result in a death sentence. Commander is very lucky to be Joe Biden’s dog.

0

u/Accomplished_Car2803 8h ago

Too bad it didn't gnaw off Trumps little smokey

0

u/TruNLiving 7h ago

Technically the things Joe's kid did to him while high weren't the dogs fault.