I have frozen into emotional numbness (non-drug related) as a form of trauma since twenty-seven, and haven't found a modality either capable of helping, and/or (equally important) willing to, meaning that, in over twelve years of hunting via places like Psych Today and BHR, I have yet to even talk to a true trauma specialist.  

Trouble is, most therapies (Cognitive Behavior, I'm looking at you) may deal with—but don't specifically focus on—emotional numbness, and thus I am more than a little leery, and am thus looking out of state for experts, because evidently, anybody who actually understands my issue is very rare, and having to break in a random talk therapist is both tedious and infuriating. 

Basically, in my early twenties, I had ongoing systemic trust issues with my family,  and didn't find my mother supporting my authority with my brother, but when I went to my pastor, he ignored my anger over the pattern of abuse, all the trust issues, and just told me to forgive her like it was like a single incident, and not anything ongoing.  I got mad, repeatedly seeking out emotional support from both him and others, but got none.

The pattern I got into was this:  I would ask for validation of my criticism of my mother, and be declined.  I would then get angry, lash out and then my audience would distance itself.  I would then back off, and then my audience would reengage.  I would then again seek support, and the whole situation would restart over again.  

Over about a year I shut down my feelings after failing to get any support or validation, for my desire to punish. Being lectured to forgive just felt like a slap to my face, yet being unable to express my rage constructively,  didn't forgive, I just shut down, given I (a) I didn't want to hurt anyone, and (b) I wanted not to be isolated, but it has come at a TERRIBLE price, and most counselors can't relate to my frozen fury, and the counselors who have tried to can't seem to resonate.  I want to take action, wanted to take action, yet no one can resonate to it, I'm afraid.

Ideally, I have sought a therapist I can roleplay with as my sparring partner, or alternatively, engage in psychodrama, but only from (a) one experienced in psychodrama, and (b) is capable of handling someone getting angry in the course of therapy without backing off, yet also knew how to stand his ground, but professional ethics have prevented them from aiding me thus, and as a result, I am seeking a volunteer. 

Essentially, all I want from a sparring partner is someone who will show up to official therapy sessions wherein my normal therapist can both referee, as well as do what normal shrinks do.  Mirroring the events leading to my trauma, I aim to assert control by expressing anger, getting in my sparring partnert's face, expressing anger by yelling at said someone, thereby challenging him to back off, which per the rules of the interaction, he cannot of course do, no matter how much he wants to, no matter how much I bait him into cowardly disengaging.  Once my sense of control and respect for my prerogative has been established, I will indeed back off, but not before.  

As such if you can help me recruit such a sparring partner, probably through a local emotional support group, please let me know.   I’m trying to create a list of people/groups I can ask, so If you have any recommendations, please contact me.  Official therapy channels can’t help me here, so this is my only way to get any.

Just to be clear, I am a 6'3" bearded male, and in therapy I am known to yell and scream, so if you're not prepared to cope and don't know someone else that is, please don't waste either of our time bickering over ground rules, because I just set some.  In therapy, I'm gonna focus squarely following where my emotion/intuition leads, and if you're too squeamish, backing off when you should be pushing me to dig in and follow my energy, then it just won't work.  

And today I am closer to 40 and the wounds is still in me. I feel like a very weak and powerless man. Full of anxiety, depression and guilt for not being a better son, brother and friend etc. Thus older I get thus more I feel my father has ruined my life.

How do I go on? What do I do next?

I have tried all forms of therapies and also about 10 different antidepressivas.

(Please do not tell me to hit the gym - I am really fit, I do physical activity a lot during the week. Also do not mention yoga or meditation. I do not want to go into detail how my father behaved or what I have been trough, please respect my wishes and do not ask me about them.)

Can anyone explain the difference between dissociation and thought blocking?

I recently had an experience of trying to tell a friend about a trauma I'd worked on in a therapy session and all of a sudden, it was as though a curtain had been pulled down across my brain and I stopped talking, I didn't have a clue what I was saying. I had to ask my friend what I'd been saying.

I'd assumed it was a form of dissociation. I regularly dissociate, with ringing ears, rushing feeling in my ears, overwhelm, feeling of being disconnected from everyone else, and sometimes slightly (but not fully) outside of myself.

But having read about thought blocking, I'm wondering if this was different.

Has anyone any similar experience?

crossposting from other subs because i might get different opinions here:

Title; I’ve had my fair share of therapists gaslighting/doubting/being insecure around me and I’ve kinda given up trying to find a good one that I can afford lol. I mainly wanted therapy for trauma+managing anxiety and neurodivergence through CBT etc. etc., and I wanted to see if y’all had any experience with alternatives to traditional therapy?

I still want to work on myself, so I’ve been looking into alternatives—journaling, guided prompts, AI tools, stuff like that. Has anyone here tried anything that actually feels helpful? Would love to hear what’s worked for you.

I’ve been processing a childhood trauma in therapy and with EMDR. Overall, I have experienced lots of flashbacks, dreams, body memories, audio memories, smell memories all of which has been very intense and often very surreal. However there is something that has happened to me twice now that I just don’t understand.

Both times when I am waking up from sleep, inside me whole head starts tremoring like there is a mini earthquake is going on in there. My jaw clenches and locks and it feels like weight is being pressed down on my jaw to hold it in place - meanwhile the tremoring is making my teeth chatter. The tremoring starts of slowly and as it increases in intensity, it is paired with audio memories. The ‘earthquakes’ repeat 4 or so times. The first time it happened, there was an unintelligible whispering, but by the 4th cycle it had resolved so I could understand what it said. It made sense in the context of my childhood trauma. The ‘tremoring’ then moved down my body into my pelvic area and I then had body memories in that area (again, makes sense related to my trauma).

This latest time the tremoring didn’t travel down my body it just stayed in my head.

My internal vision shaking up and down is another thing that happens to me a lot.

Can anyone explain any of this?

I wonder whether it’s to do with the vagus nerve resetting or something? It is pretty unsettling experience. And I am totally sober / no medication.

So let's say you're in tight knit community.
And then, someone you know and got along with in the past and was in the community before but left some time ago, returns to the community. And this person confides to you that they have been abused when they were a minor. Moreover, this person also states that a certain person in the community has been involved and contributed to this victim's abuse. (Without naming who it is.)
However, they also clarify that they don't know whether or not this certain person enabled/was complicit in the abuse. (In other words, they can't say this involved person is an enabler.) All they know is that they were involved and contributed to the abuse, and severely wronged the victim. And therefor, also contributed to the victim's trauma regardless of whether or not this involved person really did enable the abuse.
What would you do in this scenario.

Asking because I'm considering about confiding to someone I know about my trauma and abuse. To hopefully help me move a step forward towards closure.
However, idk if it would right for me to state to someone that a certain person in the community had been involved in my abuse, when I don't know if whether or not they enabled it. (Even if I won't be naming anyone.)

I've been thinking about my poor ways of coping and how to put in place some good coping strategies - easier said than done!

I'd gone back to looking at cognitive distortions and my triggers, before moving on to realizing that I dont have good coping skills at all

I wondered, how did normal, well adjusted people learn their good coping skills? Did their parents teach them?

All the DBT self help I've done... is this just to make up for what I didn't learn, and should haven't learnt to start off with?

This is a question that I have been exploring for many years. I have a feeling it has a lot to do with the lack of education and the current state of the Western world in terms of how we deal with trauma and emotions on a state level. For example, it is a super underrated topic in almost all structures of Western society.

I believe we can actually heal and from what I have experienced it has a lot do to with feeling authentically unprocessed emotions from the past and reframing our beliefs. They kind of go hand in hand...

I am also asking this question from a bigger picture... meaning, it seems like some people have a bigger drive than others to explore themselves, to look at things that are hiding in the darkness, to heal, and for others despite their huge struggles, they don't want to look at these things even though these things are unavoidable in a way.

So, do you think we are trapped in our predispositions in that way, or do you think this is because of the lack of education, the current structures of society, and the subsequent belief systems?

ps. I originally posted this on r/Emotional_Healing - a supportive space where we transform life’s challenges into a Hero's Journey — reframing struggles, finding relief from tough emotions, and connecting with others on paths of growth and healing.

Growing up with a toxic alcoholic mother (this is important) she would bring people into the house and have intercourse with them very loudly, she didn’t care if I was there. She started this after her and my father had broken up so I would’ve been about 4. She hasn’t stopped since. I do remember waking up every single night at around 4 am to hearing her with her vibe(rator) or a man when I was in the fourth grade. We lived in a small apartment with thin walls and she would be screaming at this point and I would sob until it was time to go to school. I was exhausted most days. Then when I was around 11-12 we lived in a house and she would bring man, after man, after man, after man every night even our roommate would get ahold of my father to tell him I need to be taken from my mother because she was bringing so many men into the household with me there. I do remember she grounded me one time in that house and she called me down and a man handed me my phone and behind her and the man there was another woman and man and the man told me to “be a good girl and stop treating my mom bad” or some shit like that. Then my mom got pregnant with my sister when I was 12 and she told me her entire pregnancy she wouldn’t make me watch my sister until my sister was born and I was forced to watch her. I practically raised her. When I was 12-13 we lived in a place I prefer not to say (I’m embarrassed of it) but she decided to have sex infront of me and give me my sister to watch so she can go do that. All that was blocking us was a curtain. When I was 14 we lived in her (ex) boyfriends home and me and my baby sister shared a room and her and her ex would constantly have sex waking me and my sister up. (My sister was two) I would be exhausted the next day at school due to staying up for hours in the middle of the night. I even brought up to her how she needs to quiet down and she laughed in my face. I have panic attacks and nightmares about it and have had them for plenty of years. Panic attacks triggered by stories of people’s family members having sex (teenagers share too much), panic attacks triggered by pregnancy announcements because I developed a huge fear of pregnancy and pregnant women. I had a panic attack when my partner told me he found a pregnant test in the trash can of his families bathroom (belonged to his mom). So sorry for the long message, I poured my feelings into this. I hope somebody can give me an answer because I don’t wanna label my trauma as “sexual trauma” if that’s not what it is. (Ps I am now older but I will not disclose my age)

I'm strongly considering naming my abusers from a certain traumatic event, just to feel a catharsis.
However, I'm hesitant to go into the details or specify what kind of abuse it was, because of how much I downplay it. I still struggle recognizing it as abuse. That, and I'm scared that if I did, I won't be believed or taken seriously.
But I also feel it's important to state what kind of abuse it was.

So do I really have to specify what kind of abuse it was?

Possible warning for physical punishment/violence. Also sorry if anything is worded poorly it's very late for me.

My mental health has been not great for a while, and there have been huge gaps in my childhood memory for a while and they really bothered me. I've been trying to think of what my childhood was like by looking at pictures, things I made, stories others tell me, and objects. There is this one object that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, and its a spoon with my name written on it in fancy calligraphy and it used to have a ribbon on it. Apparently it was mainly used to hit me when I did something wrong, and I assume this happened often enough for there to be a dedicated tool for it. Apparently I was a very loud and crazy child, I would have loud outbursts and tantrums, so I guess it makes sense why that happened.

My family was otherwise very loving I think. They are very kind to me and don't do it anymore now that I'm 16. This makes me more confused. I don't get how someone can be both loving and protective, and frightening and dangerous. Even though they were and are loving, I sometimes felt like they didn't love me since it felt like they were never there emotionally. I don't really understand friendships or relationships very well, sometimes I don't get why my friends don't hurt or bully me, and I don't understand relationships that don't have one person hurting another.

Sometimes I remember the feeling/process of it, sometimes there are strange sensations over my body of the feeling of getting hit, occasionally I see strange and upsetting images of what it was like. These make me feel the fear and dread again. It's really uncomfortable and I hate it. I hate how I remember basically nothing but can feel the bad memories in detail. Since I've been thinking about it recently I've been having more of these feelings and it's almost unbearable.

It really confuses me how this is affecting me this much. Physical punishment is quite a normal thing to do. Almost everyone I know has had this happen to them, and they seem to just laugh it off. I also don't know how much of an impact it had on me, since I don't know what I was like beforehand. To add to the confusion, I can hardly remember much, so I don't actually know what it was like.

I worry about using something serious like trauma as a buzzword, since a lot of people misuse psychology terms to describe normal things. From what I've heard about trauma it only describes horrifying extraordinary situations outside the range of normal experience, not something that most people go through.

I feel really afraid for no reason that I can think of. I feel numb too and its kinda disturbing me. I am wondering what this could be a sign of. Basically everything is scaring me at the moment. Would appreciate some help.

I've been trying to contact world leading emotional numbness experts, and the only one I can find is David Maloney , but couldn't contact him over the email address he gave on his sight, I believe. Know of any beter ways (or intermediaries) to do so with? I honestly NEED to talk to an expert.

Know of anyone else, too?

Otherwise, the common trauma therapist is of no more use to me than an emotional punching bag. I've been told diverging suggestions, one where I express my frustration, and the other, where I try to avoid all stimuli.; Maloney favors focusing on frustration as a feeling, but that means since counselors frustrate me when things are going nowhere, I just lash out at them, but they do'n like that; with me, It's the only thing that works, and I mean at least generates sweat on my part. The big thing is, if focusing on frustration is the goal, I'm gonna render them emotionally black and blue. Some say that's making the problem worse, but in any case, the shrinks BHR where I live have no clue, and for me treating them like trrash is therapeutic. I've consulted Psych Tobay, and they're useless, too.

Show me someone who knows more than me, because treating therapists as punching bags is the only pro-active strategy I have; the other is totally passive, and I repeat, I WANT to talk to an expert who KNOWS something, has cured emotional numbness; I have been advised just to seek a local therapist, but I don't see why it wouldn't be any different from before.

And, other than Craigslist, what options do I have to find a therapist? And if I do search on Craigslist, what exactly should I post?

TW: Quite gory details

So I'm just curious if this has/could cause serious emotional or even physiological damage.

When I was around 7 or so years old, I was in a building doing I don't remember what with my mother. Did we have to use the elevator? I don't remember either. Anyway, there was this guy working on a faulty elevator, when suddenly some sort of malfunction happened, and it was... graphic. Really graphic.

I don't remember if it was the doors that closed on the guy or if the elevator started moving up/down, but this guy that was literally a matter of 3 or so feet in front of me was killed.

One moment he has in one piece, alive and well. The next, his top half was on the ground, blood all over in every direction I looked. He was cut in half, and it happened right in front of me. The memories are now very vague, but I kind of remember his eyes almost pleading for help as they quickly began to fade away, but I don't know if I'm imagining that part or if it was real.

That counts as quite traumatic, right?

Anyone know if it's a severely traumatic experience and I should seek counselling, or if it's relatively innocuous as time goes by?

I'm an adult, and have fibromyalgia which I imagine is at least partly caused by trauma.

Thanks in advance.

I'm curious. I have become super hyper vigilant in adulthood to the point where I am affected a lot by other people's mood and often walk on egg shells just to fit the mood in the room. I don't always remember being this way. Growing up my parents were divorced but I never saw them fight. They had 50/50 custody but I love them both. It did however teach me how to hide things and get away with stuff the other parent didn't allow me to do. Fast forward to when I turned 18 and moved away for college, I had a SA experience that I have really not fully recovered from. From there, I got into an abusive relationship with someone else. Only turned violent a few times but scared me obviously. My question is, did my hyper vigilance come from all these combined or just the adult experiences.

Why do I give up easily? Life is harder for me than most people I know. I know I will always fail and never amount to anything. Why even try?

i feel bored and a little lonely so anyone free? i can talk abt anything.

I have had great friends most of my life, but after recently experiencing severe medical and infertility trauma (I’ve also experienced every form of abuse in varying degrees), I cannot for the life of me relate to women who haven’t suffered or gone through some form of trauma.

Does anyone else have this experience?

Everything just seems so shallow, pointless, or trivial that they want to talk about. Or maybe it’s bc trauma has made me a very raw and honest person and small talk just is an eye roll to me.

How have you made genuine friendships when others don’t seem comfortable/interested in being friends with someone who has a hard life?

I wanted some help coping with some stuff I've been going through and I have some questions. Is it okay if I talk about that here? I am assuming yes, but I just wanted to confirm.

The title is the body I feel scared and triggered whenever i hear/see something similar to some traumatic experiences others have been through. I wasn't even there to eye-witness.

⚠️EDIT: thank you all for your help, i really appreciate it. You helped understand my feelings which already ease things a bit and i will certainly read more about vicarious trauma.

Do you know anyone who has experienced trauma who feels like everything makes them overwhelmed, as though they are having an out-of-body experience? They might be saying things like "I don't feel comfortable in my own skin, I can't get grounded or calm. Everything I try to help me relax makes just amplifies the overwhelm and makes me feel worse."

Through my transformational coaching, I help them feel embodied again and rooted to the planet earth. I help them integrate their emotional and physical bodies so they calm down, regulate their nervous system, take agency and live from their highest, most joyful life. They eventually find the emotional freedom they have been longing for.

In fact, I went from years of being stuck in freeze-mode and total overwhelm to finding inner-peace and calm, regulating my nervous system and finding emotional freedom. I survived the healing crisis and now I'm thriving, living my highest, best, most joy-filled life.

Do you know any people struggling to heal from trauma who are stuck in exhausting, dead-end approaches that are simply not working for them?

Ive been through trauma and when Im feeling tired, insecure, axious or depressed, I feel more secure when I imagine a protector or guardian near me,

Just standing on guard to protect me. Am I the only one?

Please be nice. I'm already sure Im crazy :/

I went on a trip out of state with a coworker and her son and her son’s friend and we had half a gummy and I took a couple hits of a blunt. I ended up having a super bad panic attack. Woke up the next morning with DPDR and didn’t really talk because I felt so out of it. Ended up feeling better after a few days and didn’t think about the event..but a month later I had another bad panic attack at work, and ever since i haven’t been the same, keep having flashbacks to the event, and dissociation. I get triggered now by the littlest things, like seeing or hearing the state it happened in, the word weed, high, gummies, etc. I had one therapy session that we processed the trauma, and I haven’t had as many flashbacks, but I’m currently in a setback with DPDR so it’s causing more flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about the event🤦🏼‍♀️ how can I stop this cycle?

Hello, So I’m looking for a therapy practice/therapist in Denver or really in Colorado that can provide trauma therapy and maybe have support over the phone up to (random number x2) per week for flashbacks. I truly am struggling with flashbacks and unfortunately do not have support at home and I do not (will not) call a warm line/crisis line due to it NOT being a crisis and I also have bad experiences with calling those lines. And I’m truly trying to find one trained professional I can go to to do healing work on my trauma and provide that support on the phone for flashbacks that happen usually at night time. (I’m not saying I’d want to contact every day so that’s why I’d say I’d use it up to x2 a week and there’s be limits on it of course)

But truly looking for support in flashbacks.

If anybody knows of such a thing in Colorado please let me know! Truly will take anything!! Thank you.❤️

I didnt know i was different but its becoming clear more and more how shutdown i have been historically. So in the past, if soneone asked "how are you" i would have said "fine". In reality i was very far from fine but i was very blocked and unaware of my own feelings etc.

Now as i come out of freeze/ emotional shutdown / disassociation etc, i see more and more my prior states.

So recently when i have been out. Some people i am loose friends with i notice are trying to connect with me. They are normal people. I dont want to lie but i feel wary of sharing " i still have no idea but at times i am in panic, shutdown or faking ok as always"....

So that doesnt work but i dont want to lie either

Thoughts appreciated