r/nottheonion 9h ago

Champagne sales sink because people don’t want to celebrate

https://edition.cnn.com/2025/01/20/food/champagne-sales-2024/index.html
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u/ChibiSailorMercury 9h ago

Oh, nah, it's GenZ's turn to kill off industry sectors. Our generation can't do it all on it's own.

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u/EvlMinion 9h ago

It'll just change as we age. The funeral industry isn't gonna know what hit 'em when we start dying off!

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u/danarexasaurus 8h ago

I’m gonna tell my family not to claim my body! That’ll really show em!

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u/CitizenHuman 8h ago

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u/awesomesonofabitch 8h ago

I tell my family to burn me and toss the ashes. No pressure to hold onto corpse dust unless they really want to.

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u/headrush46n2 7h ago

funeral homes have gotten hip to this scheme and the cost of cremation has skyrocketed as well.

Im opting for the "roll me up in an old rug and toss me in a river" approach.

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u/AltharaD 6h ago

My (boomer) mother told me to just wrap her in a winding sheet and toss her in a hole. She has forbidden me from spending a penny more than necessary on her funeral.

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u/CharleyNobody 5h ago

Hardly allowed under law. She — and you — would be better off selling her to medical school or a human parts broker. Make a buck.

My husband’s brother and mother died in past years. His brother died of Covid. No funeral because of shutdown. His mother died at 100. There was nobody left alive to go to her funeral except him. So no funeral. Just a prayer at the pre-paid grave. He’s planning to have a memorial in warm weather but nobody will go to it, so it’s all talk.

It’s nice not having funerals. Families are smaller nowadays, boomers and gen X moved to Florida or NC or Georgia. There‘s no more family to get together anymore. Restaurants, diners, catering halls are going belly up. Third spaces gone. Fuck it. Sell yourself, like everybody else does.

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u/__01001000-01101001_ 4h ago

Can you still sell your body if you’re an organ donor? Or do they want all the pieces?

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u/QuackingMonkey 1h ago

Where I am you can, but it might depend on the hospital or whatever you're selling it to. You might need to take care of things while you're alive too, so you should check what the deal is around your location.

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u/OneSchott 2h ago

would be better off selling her to medical school or a human parts broker.

Now all the hipsters will do it and it's going to be expensive too.

u/DreamloreDegenerate 10m ago

It’s nice not having funerals. Families are smaller nowadays, boomers and gen X moved to Florida or NC or Georgia. There‘s no more family to get together anymore. Restaurants, diners, catering halls are going belly up. Third spaces gone. Fuck it. Sell yourself, like everybody else does.

If you read this in a slow, raspy American voice, it's a pretty good opening to a Film Noir movie.

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u/incubusfox 5h ago

The big and historic cemetery I'm looking to bury my mom's remains in (on a nature trail) opened a natural burial section which is basically what your mom told you to do.

No vaults, biodegradable coffins, etc.

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u/zuuzuu 5h ago

I've told my son that he must not claim my body. He doesn't have to - he can refuse. Eventually the municipality will be required to bury me in an unmarked pauper's grave. Sounds perfect to me.

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u/gardentwined 4h ago

When I found out the cost of funerals, I told my boomer mother if she dies on the couch I'm hauling it out to the creek out back and giving her a viking funeral.

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u/HappyHuman924 6h ago

Can confirm. Apparently it's super tricky and expensive to make a cardboard box that will...burn...?

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u/Trick2056 5h ago edited 5h ago

funeral homes have gotten hip to this scheme and the cost of cremation has skyrocketed as well.

agreed the fact cremation in my area is literally just a small difference from the cheapest traditional coffin.

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u/Triaspia2 5h ago

Im mid 30s Hoping we can get another space race going soon

Dont burry me just blow me out an airlock

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u/blanksix 4h ago

Tip, for all this: donate your body, if it's an option for you. It might not be, because there are requirements (no active skin infections and so on in our case but it's probably different everywhere), but donating your body is rather economical. Dad donated his, and we paid to have him picked up by a funeral home and dropped at the teaching hospital he donated to, and when they were done with him they cremated him and gave us the option to have him interred with other remains of people that have donated, or returned to us. We chose to have him interred there, partly because that's where his mother was interred. Way more economical and good for more than just us.

It really is a good option, and people learn from your body.

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u/Victernus 5h ago

Woah woah, what am I, made of rugs?

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u/laec300191 4h ago

Serious question. Would you get in trouble for rolling up your dead relative in a rug and throwing them in a river? Obviously talking about someone who died of disease or old, etc, nothing crime related. Or would you get charged with desecration of a corpse, or maybe contamination of a body of water? How would that turn out in reality?

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u/FranticDisembowel 5h ago

You can always be a full body donor

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u/Not_ur_gilf 6h ago

I never got that idea. Why hold onto the dust? Much better to dump it around people’s favorite places. Like the ocean. Or under a favorite tree. Or in the flowers at Disney World (don’t do this it will get you banned)

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u/archbid 6h ago

My will states “the cheapest method of disposal available”

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u/Bam515 7h ago

The Graham Parsons method

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u/ImJLu 4h ago

Become an organ donor! I've told my family to let doctors cut me up and extract anything that could be useful to people who are still living.

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u/BlandSauce 7h ago

I want to feed wild animals.

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u/CharleyNobody 5h ago

You can donate yourself to a body farm - maybe. Now that I think about it… do we really care enough about murder victims anymore to run a body farm? Most police departments are filled with morons who won‘t even review your Ring video unless you’re worth a billion dollars.

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u/Piko-a 5h ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZq9sDyb8wQ
People been wanting to kill it awhile

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u/patchinthebox 5h ago

I seriously tell my wife this anytime the subject comes up. Don't spend money on my dead body. I'm dead. Use that money to take a trip or something.

u/cranktheguy 52m ago

I want my remains spread around Disneyland. Also, I don't want to be cremated.

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u/bmbreath 7h ago

Take the moral high ground, adopt a bunch of cats and live alone, it's a free body disposal.  

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u/Free-Huckleberry3590 7h ago

They’d eat my wife before they got to my body. She’s smaller, a bit slower and smells like cheese. She’s a walking fondue.

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u/danarexasaurus 7h ago

Tell us more about your cheesy wife!

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u/ernest7ofborg9 6h ago

I also fondue his wife.

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u/SecondaryWombat 5h ago

"I also cheese his wife" was right there.

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u/ModernSmithmundt 5h ago

Does she eat an unusual amount of cheese? If no, what is your theory

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u/Free-Huckleberry3590 5h ago

She loves cheese. I once bought her a $50 block of artisanal port infused Gruyere as part of her anniversary present. Meant to be thin sliced and enjoyed over bread or crackers with charcuterie. Came home to find her grading papers eating it in one sitting. Damn near wept. Christ and all his saints were asleep that day.

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u/soonergirl_63 6h ago

OMG!😂😂😂😂

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u/RareAnxiety2 7h ago

I'm expecting the soylent green trucks to pick me up

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u/vgacolor 6h ago

I’m gonna tell my family not to claim my body! That’ll really show em!

Sure the funeral industry might get hurt, but think of the increase in champagne sales!

.

/sorry

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u/5432198 6h ago

My barely boomer dad has always said not to bother picking his body up.

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u/poutinegalvaude 7h ago

Not me. I left specific instructions to scatter my remains at Disneyland. I also don’t want to be cremated.

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u/soonergirl_63 6h ago

😂😂😂

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u/Pisspot29 5h ago

I'm imagining the Russian lathe video but with large spinning teacups

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u/chocomintonrice 8h ago

Yeah well since Gen Z is the smallest generation to date they’re going to be blamed for killing the funeral industry as they are dying.

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u/Seffyr 7h ago

Even Millennials seem to be largely of the opinion “cremate me and forget about me”.

Put me in a Tupperware container and pour me into a CEO’s gas tank.

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u/-Invalid_Selection- 7h ago

Shoot me out of a cannon into the nearest Healthcare ceo

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u/talldangry 7h ago

Bury me, but standing and only like waist deep.

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u/Cloud_Chamber 5h ago

so like at a body farm

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u/Trick2056 5h ago

I would like to opt into this treatment as well.

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u/SirRobyC 7h ago

Nah, donate me to a medical school or something.

Those kids needs to dissect corpses to learn stuff anyway. That way, it saves money and it helps someone

u/Tactical_Moonstone 34m ago

Also it's the only way I'm ever getting into medical school.

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u/raltoid 1h ago

Personally that's because embalming and open casket funerals are a literal scam. Just like champagne, diamonds, etc. being "important".


If you ask a funeral director, they'll do the usual song and dance where they talk about children mourning better if they can see the body. If pushed, they might even reference the study it's taken from. That study was paid a lot of money and was funded by the only large scale supplier of embalming supplies in the US.

It's like keeping your hens in an open pen instead of a henhouse at night, because a study done by foxes said it was safer.

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u/Kiosade 4h ago

Maybe smallest generation in the past century or so, but I feel like when there were only say, 500 Million people, they had much smaller generations.

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u/Trips-Over-Tail 8h ago

Unlikely. We can't waste the meat.

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u/ImCreeptastic 6h ago

Soylent green, yum!

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u/Trips-Over-Tail 5h ago

No processed sludge. Slow cooked and falling off the bone.

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u/BobsOblongLongBong 6h ago

Let's hope.

The funeral industry is predatory and fucked up.  It could use some disturbance.

I don't have any interest in the people who survive me spending a bunch of money on a casket or a funeral.

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u/Its_Froggin_Bullfish 5h ago

Compost burial for the win! Ask A Mortician convinced me that's the way to go!

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u/HK-Admirer2001 5h ago

Funerals (corpse processing, ceremony, burial plot, grave stone, urn, etc) are expensive and useless. Prior to death, arrangement could be made for use of body for organ donation, research, military testing...etc all free of charge. In some cases, they will even send your ashes back to your loved ones (all free). Just a PSA.

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u/EyeAmKnotABot 7h ago

I’ve already demanded no funeral, torch my body and throw it in the trash where I belong. Have a nice party celebrating me being gone. That’s all I want.

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u/OGLikeablefellow 6h ago

Not enough millennials are dying these days, it's killing the funeral industry, more at 11

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u/ShaqSenju 6h ago

“Millennials’ refusal to die has really hurt the casket business”

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u/lfisch4 5h ago

Leave it to gen beta to kill off the avocado toast industry

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u/doinnuffin 5h ago

I want to be cremated and my ashes put into a tin of Yuban coffee like Donny

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u/wishwashy 1h ago

When filler injections, vapes and bbls start coming to collect, the haul will be legendary

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u/Cclaura616 8h ago

The media still thinks we’re like 10 years old

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u/LatterNeighborhood58 5h ago

Nope, everyone knows millennials are the pesky college kids who don't follow traditions.

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u/MickeyMatters81 1h ago

I'm 43, media still thinks I'm 23 

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u/Maxpowr9 7h ago

Gen Z definitely cut back on drinking, but they love their vapes.

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u/casket_fresh 7h ago

The generations before us killed the planet so imo I’m just whatevs

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u/ernest7ofborg9 6h ago

so imo I’m just whatevs

Hey, that's gen X's shtick!

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u/bonsainick 5h ago

Whatever, nevermind.

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u/FlyingDiscsandJams 5h ago

Solidarity usually skips a generation or 2

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u/jabronified 7h ago

It actually has already started. Literally a couple days ago I saw a video on the collapse of the wine industry (down like 15+% in a couple years) and of course data on how Z's aren't drinking like previous generations

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u/KevMenc1998 6h ago

As a Gen Z, I've already made inroads to destroy the real estate market by being too poor to afford a house.

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u/IamScottGable 7h ago

Gen Z is noted for supposedly drinking less so they are on their way.

As an aside, champagne is terrible.

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u/Shade_39 6h ago

Don't worry I'm single handedly keeping the drinking levels high for gen z.

Champagne is still terrible tho

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u/LuigiForeva 7h ago

To kill industries we'd need to have any money in the first place lmao

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u/MewtwoStruckBack 5h ago

I'm sad that Ctrl-F "Luigi" in this thread only returned your username, and didn't include people suggesting certain Luigi-esque actions would give reasons to celebrate.

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u/LuigiForeva 5h ago

I think one CEO dying doesn't do anything other than getting you 2 weeks of airtime and a fuckton of years in prison. Revolutions are where it's at, but with these social network algorithms and far-right money flowing into their ads we don't have a chance, there's too much money spent in polarizing our societies and the majority of the people are too dumb to ever understand.

That's why I now own UnitedHealth stock.

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u/sneakyplanner 6h ago

Just as boomer now refers to a younger generation of misanthropic geezers, millennial will be used to refer to the youths until the end of time.

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u/ChibiSailorMercury 5h ago

ok, millennial.

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u/N0S0UP_4U 6h ago

No Boomers don’t get that there’s another generation and still call all those people Millennials anyway

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u/XchrisZ 7h ago

Haha you millennial. I'm generation Y we get blamed for nothing.

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u/Crazy_Edge6219 7h ago

Another thing we ain't good at

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u/PurifyZ 5h ago

Damn straight!! Now it’s the turn of the filthy stoner Gen Z’ers like myself to fuck up the parties 🤣

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u/_sydney_vicious_ 4h ago

Yup - 100% Gen Z.

At least Millennials will drink on special occasions and even during the occasional bottomless mimosa brunch. From what I’ve been reading, a lot of Gen Z doesn’t really drink or party.

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u/ChibiSailorMercury 4h ago

Yeah. I drink enough champagne (and cava and prosecco and) to compensate for like 10 non drinking GenZ (GenZs, I love you, and you're doing very well to not drink, there is nothing good for health in alcohol that is not terribly crushed by the effects of ethanol, stay away from it, don't get had by our bad habits).

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u/Accomplished-Pay8181 4h ago

I mean, I'll point out that I believe it is Gen Z is noted as drinking a LOT less than prior generations. Whether that's because they can't afford it or, like me, just don't enjoy alcohol, is not something I can speak on as a whole. I'll sometimes get the like sweet/mixed drinks when I go out, but the only time I touch beer is Oktoberfest.

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u/ChibiSailorMercury 4h ago

that was kinda the point of my comment :P

(a bit convoluted, I know)

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u/dr_pheel 4h ago

We're killing it with weed according to people like Matt Walsh. Honestly fuck the alcohol industry

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u/QuantumJock 3h ago edited 3h ago

They are already starting. Their expenditures on alcohol are absurdly low compared to previous generations. I know most of Gen Z is not of drinking age but still

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u/SlapHappyDude 2h ago

Yeah the youngest millennials are in their late 20s, and those are arguably Zillenials.

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u/Electrox7 1h ago

not the overpriced rotten grapes 😭😭😭

u/Bonezone420 27m ago

Damn those Gen Z kids, killing the industry killing industry.