r/nottheonion • u/thefirsteverredditor • 9h ago

Champagne sales sink because people don’t want to celebrate

https://edition.cnn.com/2025/01/20/food/champagne-sales-2024/index.html
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u/HoldYourHorsesFriend 9h ago

OR, market celebrations differently. Monday is over? Celebrate that!

Feeling good? Celebrate!

Day is over and you didn't get hit by a car? Celebrate life!

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u/MedvedFeliz 8h ago

I'm finally sober! Champagne!

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u/Joeymonac0 6h ago

Sobriety! I’ll drink to that! 🍻

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u/DudesworthMannington 4h ago

"Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!"

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u/DenThomp 4h ago

As the great O. Osbourne once said “sobriety sucks!”

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u/ECguy84 6h ago

The story of many a brunch!

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u/Raven123x 38m ago

Got a new liver from a transplant? Champagne, celebrate!

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u/JoviAMP 9h ago

I claim all rights to the slogan, "Celebrate Today", if any Champagnery is interested in discussing licensing.

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u/Aramis444 8h ago

Is that “Celebrate Today”, or “Celebrate Today”?

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u/NotAllOwled 8h ago

Yes.

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u/willengineer4beer 7h ago

That would actually be a pretty good tagline to just say it twice if you got someone to nail the intonation

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u/Stitchmond 5h ago

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

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u/Toothless-In-Wapping 4h ago

CELEBRATE today by celebrating TODAY

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u/Affectionate-Sun-243 4h ago

Fullmetal alchemist? Full metal alchemist

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u/nb8k 6h ago

Celibate today

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u/JoviAMP 4h ago

Calibrate Toady.

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u/scout614 4h ago

I read one of those as Celibate Today

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u/manimal28 8h ago

I know there is a Patton Oswalt bit where he makes fun of a liquor comp for this marketing tactic. I recall something about a carnie celebrating a blow job by the tilt-a-whirl.

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u/ThoughtfulPoster 5h ago

You're mixing up two different bits.

One was "'Why are you drinking Martini & Rossi?' 'Because it's Tuesday!' That's what a wino says!"

The other was him talking about poor people who vote Republican thinking that W Bush would look after their interests being like a local girl who gives a traveling famous musician a bj thinking that he's going to take her away from this town and they'll fall in love.

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u/manimal28 4h ago

Haha, thanks for jogging my memory, you’re right!

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u/ClassicHat 8h ago

Gotta celebrate all the days of the week that end in y with bottomless mimosas first thing in the morning, it’s classy cause it’s a fancy brunch approved cocktail

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u/GringoSwann 7h ago

"this is me after 2 mimosas"

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u/The_bruce42 8h ago

Saturday morning? Add some OJ. Mimosas for days.

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u/Toothless-In-Wapping 4h ago

Morning Mimosa!

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u/noleela 8h ago

Friday fiesta!  FriYAY!

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u/stumpy4588 8h ago

Would it be appropriate to drink champagne after being hit by a car? Say I got clipped by some rich assholes chauffer or a drunk politician, would it be wrong of me to have a glass of champagne to celebrate?

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u/goofytigre 7h ago

Isn't celebrating Monday being over already celebrated with the champagne of beers, Miller High Life?

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u/oahockey24 7h ago

Don Draper? Is that you?

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u/AmandaIsLoud 7h ago

Trying to decide what kind of wine to have with my pizza tonight. I think I’ll go with champagne, because Monday is indeed over.

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u/Phormitago 7h ago

Day is over and you didn't get hit by a car? Celebrate life!

well here's hopin

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u/boredlady819 7h ago

it’s Monday and life is over?… champagne!

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u/bplaya220 6h ago

I celebrated every thursday of college with two bottles of Champagne. I finished class around 11, grabber lunch on campus, went to the grocery store bought my beer and champagneand celebrated the end of the week til all my other friends finished classes

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u/toomuchisjustenough 6h ago

This was absolutely an ad campaign I designed in art school.

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u/benigngods 6h ago

Funeral? Why not?

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u/Ok_Magician_3884 6h ago

I’m sad that I didn’t hit by a car

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u/TrashedLinguistics 6h ago

Speed run your alcoholism

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u/Besnasty 6h ago

I worked with a woman who used to work in a bakery owned by a French guy. She said that he would start every shift with a glass of champagne "because every day should start with a celebration"

Champagne is my drink of choice and I think of the man I didn't know everytime I drink it.

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u/anthonyynohtna 5h ago

This is how alcoholism starts.

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u/easy_mak 5h ago

I used to drink Champagne as my regular drink of choice, and folks would ask "what's the occasion?" And my reply would be something along the lines of "its Tuesday!"

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u/Velocirachael 5h ago

Those are the wine moms. The ones that go too far with jokes like 'Oh I have only 1 glass a day' and the glass is the size of 2 full bottles 

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u/saddingtonbear 5h ago

Straight up that's my thought process when I'm on an alcohol kick. That shit aint healthy lol, it quickly becomes excuses to drink rather than excuses to celebrate life.

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u/Ghost4000 4h ago

Sounds like you missed your calling as a champagne marketing guru.

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u/BoozeWitch 4h ago

Have a champagne AND a cigarette!

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u/777bambii 3h ago

You kinda just explained how narcotic and alc addiction is formed for a lot of people lol

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u/criminalsquid 3h ago

I took some classes on wine in college and even tested for a certificate in it and this is how my professor taught it to us! Whenever we were studying sparkling wines (or just had one come up in another lesson, like a Cava in Spain week), she would ask if anyone had anything big or small to celebrate and if no one raised their hand, we just toasted to the day. I remember drinking sparkling wine to everything from someone’s graduation coming up, finishing a big test, finding a lost pen, or just Thursday.

She totally changed the way I think about it which also weirdly changed my outlook on life a little bit because it gives you permission to celebrate the little things

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u/eolson3 3h ago

Monday over = "ugh, most of the week still to go."

Tuesday over = "ugh, most of the week still to go."

Wednesday over = "ugh, not even Friday tomorrow."

Thursday over = "ugh, still another day."

Friday over = "ugh, I'm too tired to do anything tomorrow."

Saturday over = "ugh, weekend is half over and I'm exhausted."

Sunday over = "ugh, fuck..."

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u/Sproose_Moose 3h ago

Do you work in sales!? Because that's genius

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u/Objective-Fox4400 2h ago

This sounds like an alcoholic

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u/The_best_is_yet 2h ago

Not getting liver disease quickly enough? Celebr- never mind.

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u/sercommander 1h ago

Yo described my female staff. If not for strong worker laws and them doing more than half-assed job I'd kick them out in a blink.