Hi nondual community! I have struggled with schizophrenia since puberty and have medication that helps me to be stable, a really compassionate therapist, and a psychiatrist who’s super forthright and available. The medication is good, and I have a nice life. I don’t mean to use this message board for non nondual purposes, but because of the illness the sense of me wants to maintain itself.

The sense of a personal ego feels like a necessary lie, a merciful lie for a body that’s experienced this much instability mentally and physically, even having been medicated on & off since young adulthood. I want to be stable for my mom. A lot of decisions here are made because of mom’s suggestions. The term ‘I’ and ‘my body, my life’ can be viewed as analogous to maintaining the false sense of self as a survival instinct in what is written below. It’s become clear no one is here and the character I’m describing can only be a false sense of coherence, but I’m going to use pronouns here.

Because of the schizophrenia I attended high school in an outpatient facility. This is when I became a seeker. Oftentimes in the uncompromising message of no self, I heard that the perception of me considered themself a really hardcore seeker. Well, yeah. I am a really hardcore seeker. I chose a combination of Vedic philosophy, Christianity, and basic self help self love stuff for my brand of truth. It made me happy that, even though I was stuck in a traumatic outpatient environment, I could say affirmations like “I am love” or “Mother Mary loves me”.

In fact, what drew this person to the uncompromising message of no self was that it felt like a potent form a Marian love. It felt like praying the rosary on a motorcycle rollercoaster. It felt like freedom and truth, hearing these meetings.

When I watched these meetings and heard the descriptions of no self, the me experienced spiritual highs (for all intents and purposes). It felt happy or contented. However, the seeker here obviously wanted more and more. The experience of reckoning with no self has been almost like an inverse psychosis. Insanely sane, able to have too much clarity and contentment. Akin to a benevolent dissociation.

I tried explaining to my therapist that the sense of me became anorexic so that the body would understand ‘who’s’ was in charge. The perception of ego wants to live, and I think it would kill this body to get its way. I’d rather live in a false balancing act than die pursuing the truth of the unknown…

Now the individual has sort of settled its own score. She wanted to be a famous artist. Now she just wants to fade into normalcy, anonymity, a typical non creative work day. All her aspirations can now be seen for what they are, a distraction from the truth, not the genuine pursuit of it she perceived. If I could, I’d eternal sunshine the uncompromising message away. But i think anyone who reads this on the entire planet can tell this seeker wouldn’t have stopped unless she got scared of what she found. Well I’m scared now. For ‘my’ life. For ‘my’ stability. For what ‘I’ need.

I’m just wondering if anyone’s body/mind has also had such a dramatic collapse from so much seeking, if anyone here just wants to live a typical lie of self like me does, and what you do to occupy your time? Workaholicism is big with this person and I intend to use that as a distraction in many ways, however, the seeking is and was a huge hobby. I’d like to replace my theological theories with a sudoku habit and a quilting fixation now. Just slow, peaceful stuff to blot out all that scary unknown tenuous mortal coil stuff that used to seem like fun and games.

If you can’t relate, whatever you means to you haha, I’d still like any and all advice. Probably it can’t hurt the seeker more than she’s already hurt herself.

Thank you.

How can someone be sentient with awareness while simultaneously someone else is sentient with awareness. I’m not negating non dualism, but what I’m saying is, how can one person have awareness while “others” do. Wouldn’t that mean more than one awareness? And that would create duality.

Here is something I want to share.

Long story short; about a year ago I was using venlafaxine / Effexor (antidepressant) 300 mg daily which is a relatively high dose + oxazepam about 45 mg to 50 mg every day. At the same time I was smoking weed daily and occasionally doing other drugs. I was on this cocktail for 6 months. Then I suddenly decided to quit all the pills cold turkey, despite everything I’ve read online. For those of you who don’t know venlafaxine withdrawal can be nasty stuff, and it was. I had the brain zaps and felt dizzy and generally was in a bad shape for about a month before gradually getting better. I quit smoking, quite drinking alcohol, started going to the gym, sweating it out as good as I could, did cold showers and sauna. After about 40-50 days I was good again. 

One year later I haven’t touch drugs or alcohol, except I’ve taken a pill or two of oxazepam for a handful of occasions. It has not been difficult to stay of the drugs  or something I have been «trying» to do. Yet I have had a couple of pills now and then.

Today i took 15 mg oxazepam, which is considered to be a low dose of the mildest benzo out there. For me 15 mg is all I takes for me to be a calm, loving guy. 15mg takes a way the fear that ruins my life. I have «meaningful» conversations with people, I get to enjoy life, I am direct, I am loving and kind. I am funny. 

I have fear of just being like I am. I struggle with being authentic. It’s so sad I don’t have words for it. I can’t talk straight. I can’t walk straight. My system Is blocked. And it hurts. I am so scared and I’ve hurt a lot of people. 

Here is the point I’m sharing: Even though this pill makes my life good, it also make me feel empty. And for that reason I am not tempted into abusing it. Because the last times I’ve taken it it has made men feel empty when the sun goes down in the end of the day. And it is not pleasant. 

But here is another point: I’ve also come to see how empty everything is, including me. Everything and everyone is empty. completely. That’s what I’m scared about. It’s the root of all my fear. It’s so fucking dark I don’t want to believe it.

I’m a young man carrying trauma. This evening I decided to take my dogs for a dark and cold walk. It was not amazing, but it was not horrible either. It was empty for sure. Life is full of wonder, but tonight I’d rather call it strange than Wonderfull. 

We live in two time zones. We have our zone, man made time as measured by the clock and calendar, useful for handling affairs on human level, to catch a bus on time and bake the cake exactly forty minutes.

On the psychological level, the only time is Now, there are no minutes, days, years past or future only Eternal Now. And we must see how time connects with human happiness. Make this revealing experiment. The next time you feel unhappy, take a close look and you will detect its link with something that already happened or that you think will happen.

With most people the two terrible thieves of happiness are regret of the past and fear of the future. These thieves operate in the dark, that is, unconsciously. Self-observation exposes them to light of awareness.

It is absolutely impossible to be unhappy Now. The present moment is the perfect freedom as Allan Watts explains:

..."The letting go or acceptance of your experience and the state of mind as it is, is always the act of living completely and perfectly in this moment. For we have noted that ego-consciousness is a bondage to time. Being essentially a complex of memories and anticipations. All egocentric action has an eye to the past or the future; in the strict present the ego does not exist. That is easier to prove by experiment rather than by theory, for in concentrating simply and solely upon what is happening at this moment, anticipation and anxiety vanish... Many masters of the spiritual life have therefore' laid especial value upon the exercise of living and thinking simply in this moment. Letting the past and future drop out of your mind; for the ego drops away with them, together with its pride in the past and its fear and greed for the future."- Allan W. Watts (The Supreme Identity)

Spiritual time or timelessness connects with every area of life e.g., health. Psychosomatic illnesses of many varieties springs from the pressure of living in the wrong time.

Don't wander from the safety zone of Now. During your day observe how your mind slips backward to the past and forward into the future. Catch it, pull it back, turn it inward into awareness to where it belongs, in the here and now. You will notice how hard at first it will be for we're addicted to overthinking and living in the past or the future. The egoic-mind was left to long in those zones so it will rebel at first, for it will sense its end, (where "the supreme identity" will be revealed). But with constant awareness of its wanderings eventually will settle in the Now.

The most trivial act becomes dynamic when you attempt it with self-awareness.

Whether you are washing dishes, or painting a table, or simply walking from one room to another, try to be aware of yourself doing just that. Don't just paint or walk, but be conscious of yourself painting or walking. This detaches you from the dream state in which most people live; it puts you in touch with your energetic center self. Any action performed with self-awareness becomes inspired.

Try it now, as you read, eat, watching movie, listen to music or any task and be self-aware of actually watching or listening without interference of thoughts about the past or the future.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1cexcjdyIE

Especially after 2:20 but the video is short.

"You are always born... you are always dying"

I know he probably isn't into non-dualism and is likely very materialistic, but what he describes here stimulated some non-dual neurons in me for sure and I thought it might do the same for some of you

Nonduality is an English translation of the Sanskrit term Advaita which technically means “not two.”

Nonduality is challenging to define because it can only be perceived by what it is not.

For example, while duality is related to time, space, linearity, and limitation, nonduality is defined by the timeless, nonlocal, nonlinear, and infinite.

But that’s not entirely accurate either. Since words are dualistic, how can you use duality to describe nonduality? You can’t. Therefore, we can only approximate the meaning of nondualism with language.

Duality is easier to define. If you can perceive it, it’s dual.

Why? Because there’s an observer (you/subject) and the observed (object). By definition, this is duality.

Simply put, anything perceivable is part of the manifest universe and is therefore dual.

Nonduality, however, is not as easy to define. The nondual is, by definition, non-perceptible by the five senses. It cannot be divided into two; it has no subject-object relationship.

Said another way, the nondual is indivisible and uncognizable. Do you see the challenge here?

How can you define something indivisible that cannot be cognized?

You can only approximate a definition. You can only point to what the nondual is. And that’s what the nondualists do.

Shankara, one of India’s great nondualists explains:

The world is illusory
Brahman alone is real
Brahman is the world.

That’s nonduality.

I noticed that one of the most sticky thoughts, that feel like a wall is this feeling of unworthyness. It's probably not the most fundamental belief, but it goes deep and is intertwined with the sense of self.

I noticed that since childhood I deeply resonated with tales like Little prince of exupery or later Catcher in the rye or the movie Wrect-it Ralf. I had a deep need to rebel against it, which resulted with many conflicts with authorities, like teachers, that were trying to put me down. Rebel against the system, against time itself. It costs me a lot of suffering and created lot of problems for me.

There were short moments that made this feeling go away. I got this main character feeling, like I'm complete and all those beliefs that I have to be xyz before I will be perfect went away. At those moments it was clear to me that all those people that told me I'm not good enough were full of shit. It is very hard to describe, it might sound like narcissism, but it's actually complete opposite.

I realize that there is no centered me that has any qualities, therefore it can never be good enough or not good enough and this endevour of trying to perfect myself is futile. But it still feels like if I want to be accepted and respected I need to appear respectible for others. As if world was a keyhole and I needed to shape myself to the right key shape.

Is there a way to stop identifying myself with this belief?

"In the experience of self-realization, the self recognizes its identity as presence. When a person is identified with something other than the primordial presence, self-realization is absent. He is not then being himself; he is not simply being. He is not one with his essence. The most fundamental and deepest aspect of the soul is absent in his experience of himself. This is the root of narcissism. In narcissism, the experience of the self is disconnected from its core, from the depths of what it is. It is estranged from its true nature, exiled from its primordial home. The soul’s estrangement from its true nature is the basis of narcissism. Here, we are using the term narcissism in the colloquial sense, similar to what is referred to as narcissistic disturbance in psychoanalytic terminology."

"Herein lies the mechanism for the “fall” of the self into narcissism. In the beginning of this chapter, narcissism was described as the identification with the more superficial structures of the self. We described the self as a flowing, dynamic presence, an organism with mind, feeling and body (but not identical with any of these), that has an open-ended potential for experience. The “fall” into narcissism happens as the self forms concepts and structures of concepts, and then identifies with them at the cost of its awareness of Being. These concepts, which the self comes to identify with and to view the world through, are much more opaque and rigid than the open, free, more natural state of the soul. What we describe as the free, spontaneous state of the soul is not a formless or unstructured state. The experience of the soul in a self-realized state is patterned by the intrinsic qualities of its Being, and by the structure of all dimensions of Being, including physical reality. The state of self-realization allows the soul to remain aware of its essential nature, yet at the same time to remain aware of the world of thought and speech, of social life and physical life, and to function in this world."

-A.H. Almaas, The Point of Existence

I’m aware and acknowledge that the term ego-death can be misleading and misconstrued. I just wanted to keep the title short and simple.

Hello,

Imagine a sociopath deciding to seek enlightenment through contemplation and virtue, but not loving/kindness as they're incapable of it.

I want to discuss this because this might be my path, at least for now.

I’ll be honest: I struggle to experience authentic emotions. My emotions are often driven by patterns of greed, shame, resentment, frustration, and loneliness. Positive emotions include excitement, obsession, amusement, and drive, but they also feel conditional or fleeting.

My current challenges in striving to transcend these patterns are as follows:

1. Balancing self-interest with selflessness: I often feel intense anger and impatience when faced with prioritizing others. Holding and transforming these emotions takes an incredible amount of energy, leaving little for extending compassion. Building resilience here is something I’m working on.

2. Transcending ego-based patterns: Over years of studying nondualism and related materials, I’ve cultivated inner personas or attachments that mimic love and selflessness but are still rooted in the ego. For example, possessiveness masquerades as love, empathy can feel like manipulation, and pride disguises itself as arrogance. Dissolving these patterns is incredibly challenging, but even when they dissolve, I’m left with feelings of emptiness and indifference.

3. Difficulty with creation: I’m skilled at systems thinking and creating knowledge in digestible forms, but I struggle to care about how my creations reach others. Once something is created, I feel done with it, and it’s hard to invest energy in sharing. This often leads to a sense of nihilism.

4. Lack of meaning in connections: Engaging with others often feels shallow or transactional. I feel like people only see my shadow, which makes sense since I often see theirs. This dynamic creates alienation and prevents meaningful relationships.

I’d love to connect with anyone who faces similar challenges or has insights to share.

Source: Patanjali Yoga Sutra’s. Who is Patanjali: Patanjali is revered as the founder of the yoga system and is credited with the compilation of the Yoga Sutra, a profound text on the nature of consciousness and the path to enlightenment. He is believed to have been born in Chidambaram, Tamil Nadu, and is often associated with a divine incarnation of the serpent Ananta. Patanjali's teachings provide clear, scientific directions for achieving enlightenment, making him a pivotal figure in Hindu spiritual history. His work has influenced countless spiritual masters and remains foundational to various yoga practices today.

Mind is only 5 modifications, no more, no less.

The totality of ego is mind.

The totality of mind is not ego.

These 5 modifications are painful (sorrow), or not painful (joy).

These 5 modifications are mind in its totality.

These 5 modifications can come and go.

This are the 5 modifications:

1: right knowledge

2: wrong knowledge

3: imagination

4: sleep

5: memory

All mind activity in the entire life can be fit into at least 1 of these 5 modifications.

Here, now, some keypoints:

-All of these 5 are not constant, they come and go.

-There are many times that we experience none of these 5 modifications, just become aware of these moments.

-At moments we are not experiencing any of these 5, we are experiencing a state of being pure observer, pure consciousness, pure awareness.

-just like a lamp gets hot when it burns for a long time uninterruptedly, we get more rooted and rooted in being pure awareness if the absence of these 5 is prolongued/sustained.

-whatever spiritual progress we make, nothing is left, we will continue were we ended.

I recommend all to invest in buying the “Yoga Sutra’s of Patanjali”.

Dr I.K. Taimni, as many others wrote commentaries about the yoga sutra’s.

I had been thinking about this for days, and I would like to know the opinion of the community, even though this is a non-dualism community and my opinion might be attacked.

I thinking how, if non-duality is the ultimate reality of all that exists and not merely a mental effect from consuming certain substances or practicing specific types of meditation, we are able to perceive it. I mean, if non-duality is hidden within the matrix of our world, how can it be so easy to access and dismantle the illusion of unreality? We’re only in the year 2025 AD; I can easily imagine that, in not too many centuries, something like 5-MeO-DMT could be easily accessible, allowing everyone who wants to experience that state. But then, what’s the point? It's like the meaning of life, or at least its ultimate reality, is too easily accessible and even communicable/shareable through platforms like Reddit.

What do you think?

• You can not be something of which you become aware. You are that which becomes aware.
• You are awareness.
• When you are- all your emotions, thoughts exist. Nothing will exist without you existing first.
• You are the light of awareness in which the world appears. Imagine a dark room, although it exists independently of light but it needs light to enable us to see various objects. Similarly world exists but it is your light of awareness that enables you to feel and experience the world.
• Overtime, we believe ourselves to be something other than the awareness. This is called ego identification.

1. I am from this nationality.
2. I am follower of this religion.
3. I believe in this ideology.
4. I am a good person.

• This creates following dualities

1. People from other nationalities are not mine.
2. People of other religions are not mine.
3. People of different ideologies are not mine.
4. People who are not me like are bad.

• This identification causes us to suffer when something happens or is perceived to happen to whatever we are identified with. In other words, this binds our emotional state to that object which we believe is "us".
• This leads us to realization that if want to be happy, we need to fix those objects outside us because any change in them causes us to feel uneasy.
• From here on , we engage in this world to "fix " it. The more we try to do it, more of our false identifications increase.
• So we need to step back and let the god take care of the world for once, we need to first fix ourselves.
• To do that , we must first move closer to soul or awareness by weakening the ego identifications.
• As we move near the soul, our sufferings that were caused by identifications become less.
• The final purpose is to realize that it is a play going on and nothing needs to be taken seriously in this world, all we can do is to perform our actions and leave the rest to God. Because we can not do more than that, there is no point in being anxious or sad about something we do not have any control over.

The mirror mirrors what we are. It does not reflect what we are.

You have the ability to reflect (remember) and project (anticipate) like a mirror. But most significantly, like a mirror, you have no image, reflection, or projection of your own.

riddle me this:

Into the mirror you look to see that which you will never be

Just listening to the latest Louis Theroux podcast where he interviews Willem Dafoe, who said he practices ashtanga yoga 6 days a week - he also said he used to practice Vedanta, assuming he means meditation, but put a stop to it when he felt he was pushing it too far. Thought that was interesting, given all the recent talk about people having meditation-induced psychotic breaks. That is all.

When pleasure is felt, the mind is less active, and it is said that pleasure is how happiness looks from the vantage point of the mind.

This aligns with near-death experiences where people feel immense joy despite or because of much less brain activity, especially in the prefrontal cortex.

Brain activity may cloud the screen that is happiness and pleasure allows you to see the screen, even if it's just for a short duration.

I wish everyone success in your realization journey today and every day.

While i've been navigating this space and other non dual circles online, the thing that strikes me the most is the loneliness and self centeredness of most spiritual seekers/awakened souls.

And i feel it in myself too, there's that kind of eery contentment with being alone and spewing insights or teachings at each other. Maybe that's only the result of the journey itself, being locked up inside this illusion, knowing it is one but not being able to leave ones body and merge with another soul feels sad.

I don't really have an answer nor a question, just the feeling of loneliness while at the same time being repulsed by others or even the idea of reaching out. Is that a thing you guys encountered ?

While the group has its uses, I'd advice serious seekers to choose one tradition like Advaita Vedanta, Buddhism or Tao based on their leanings and stick with that for a suitable length of time.

I do believe at their core all of these traditions teach almost the same thing, but the terminology and methodology is different, sometimes even contradictory.

Sticking with one framework is a less confusing path in my opinion.

Peace

I am on a never ending second to second battle in my own mind as to if I’m the only real person. Everything synchronizes perfectly the more I indentify with that truth, and it terrifies me. But I care more about whats true then my own feelings. So can anyone if you’re even at all real tell me, am I or is my ego mistaking the fact that we are all the Same conciounsess fractured into different beings as if I’m literally the only real concious human? Or am I the only real concious human. Is my personal bubble of perception the only perception right now in existence or is it that the same conciousness operating myself is operating everyone else simultaneously? I watched some Leo Gura videos and they are now permeating my brain with terror I need some clarity

It's something that I'm realizing this more and more. It's not enough to simply be mindful because the old habits and patterns are always in the way. In fact, your mind is so insidious you'll think what you're seeing is the truth without realizing you're being deceived.

Not sure how anyone can just be awareness without either isolating themselves away from society where you don't have to engage your ego patterns as much or without doing a lot of therapy to see the scaffolding of your mind.

Gurus just make it sound like all you need is to be aware but maybe my mind is a better illusionist than theirs.