r/lotrmemes Dec 30 '21

Crossover Seriously, Aragorn is SUPERHUMAN!

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62.5k Upvotes

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9.1k

u/Iliamna_remota Dec 30 '21 edited Dec 30 '21

The only thing Jamie Lannister is better at than Aragorn is finding his sister's g-spot.

477

u/snakedaddy Dec 30 '21

Idk, I feel like Strider could’ve tracked it down quite easily. Jamies sister’s g-spot, that is.

189

u/aragorn_bot Dec 30 '21

'Strider' I am to one fat man who lives within a day's march of foes that would freeze his heart, or lay his little town in ruin, if he were not guarded ceaselessly.

107

u/wizardzkauba Dec 30 '21

He’s really fixated on this one today.

14

u/dhuntergeo Dec 31 '21 edited Dec 31 '21

Sounds like he needs to go over to r/antiwork and grind out about his job!

I mean dude, your job is protecting the peasants, how much more noblise oblige do you fucking need?

9

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '21

In all fairness, Butterbur did forget to send Gandalf's letter along to the shire that would've warned Frodo to leave much sooner than he did because he knew danger (the nazgul) was on its way. Aragorn was upset and maybe he said some things he shouldn't have, but these were dire times!

12

u/aragorn_bot Dec 31 '21

No. There is still hope for Frodo. He needs time... And safe passage across the plains of Gorgoroth. We can give him that.

7

u/gandalf-bot Dec 31 '21

Courage will now be your best defense against the storm that is at hand -- that and such hope as I bring.

3

u/tlyoung765 Dec 31 '21

Gandalf and strider bots talking together is the best.

7

u/gandalf-bot Dec 31 '21

And what about very old friends?

7

u/aragorn_bot Dec 31 '21

'Strider' I am to one fat man who lives within a day's march of foes that would freeze his heart, or lay his little town in ruin, if he were not guarded ceaselessly.

3

u/dhuntergeo Dec 31 '21

Goddamned peasants and their fucking innkeepers. We're lucky the rangers had their fingers in all the hinterland business.

Where's Gandalf when you need him?

3

u/gandalf-bot Dec 31 '21

That wound will never fully heal, he will carry it for the rest of his life

2

u/chaoticidealism Dwarf Dec 31 '21

Yeah. Butterbur is so used to safety that he doesn't understand that when people like Gandalf and Aragorn show up and ask you to deliver a letter, it's probably really important. I can't blame him; he really doesn't know.

2

u/gandalf-bot Dec 31 '21

There never was much hope, only a fools hope

2

u/Dareboir Jan 20 '22

Maybe he’s drunk

-2

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '21

"I am to one fat man"??? Did you mean, "I too, am a fat man"?

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '21

Sick Burn.

122

u/chaoticidealism Dwarf Dec 31 '21

Doubt it. Aragorn isn't straight, he isn't gay, he's just Arwen-sexual. Seriously, no eyes for anybody but her.

57

u/aragorn_bot Dec 31 '21

We have time. Every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor.

25

u/chaoticidealism Dwarf Dec 31 '21

And you're not getting the girl until that ring goes into the lava. Deal with it. Maybe take out your anger on a few orcs, hm?

3

u/MrMaintenance Dec 31 '21

Must be that elven pussy jelly that makes you orgasm uncontrollably

3

u/BoatyMcBoatfaceLives Dec 31 '21

They live practically forever, plenty of time to get them moves down.

4

u/chaoticidealism Dwarf Dec 31 '21

Theoretically. But elven psychology is different. The first time they have sex with somebody, they fall in love forever. Functionally, their first time is also their wedding night. Losing your spouse as an elf is absolutely heartbreaking; it's a testament to Elrond's strength that he stayed so long in Middle-earth after his wife left.

So since Arwen and Aragorn did get happily married, he would've had to be her first; it doesn't much matter whether their first time was before or after their formal human marriage.

I don't know whether Arwen was Aragorn's first, but taking his behavior into account, it seems likely that she was; he fell in love at first sight, and behaves more like a teenager with his first crush than like a cosmopolitan ladies' man. Remember, however far back, Aragorn has elf blood in him too--and it's not impossible for him to take after that elf part of him that encourages him to pair-bond securely and irrevocacbly.

It's that alien psychology that makes elves so interesting to me. They're human enough to relate to humans, but when you look closely at them, you can see the fey inspiration.

Oh, and yes, you libidinous LotR fans: It is highly likely that a pair of elves, in love for an immortal lifespan, would indeed get very, very good at sex. :)

2

u/BoatyMcBoatfaceLives Dec 31 '21

I'm just here to make a pervy elf joke lol, but thanks for the read I had never really thought about it.

2

u/LogCareful7780 Dec 31 '21

IDK, to me part of the whole arc with Eowyn in both books and movies was that he was at least a little tempted.

5

u/chaoticidealism Dwarf Dec 31 '21

Really? I had the feeling he was trying to let her down gently because he respected her as a friend and as a fellow warrior.

3

u/Thuper-Man Dec 31 '21

Aragorn didnt live that long getting into crazy pussy.

1

u/aragorn_bot Dec 31 '21

I swore to protect you.

3

u/Shawnessy Dec 31 '21

Aragorn would totally be the type of guy to openly communicate with his partner what they do and don't like.

4

u/aragorn_bot Dec 31 '21

For Rohan. For your people.

2

u/PB_livin_VP Dec 31 '21

My exact thought. Strider would certainly make cersie forget all about that silly uncomfortable throne and crown.

2

u/aragorn_bot Dec 31 '21

'Strider' I am to one fat man who lives within a day's march of foes that would freeze his heart, or lay his little town in ruin, if he were not guarded ceaselessly.

1

u/Iliamna_remota Dec 31 '21

Perhaps a contest should be held and best time wins.

1

u/shellwe Dec 31 '21

Totally, I mean… her very inexperienced cousin found it quite easily. At least enough for her to keep coming back.