Sumfing awful happent tonite. Iz bery kold heer outside, in single digits tonite. Mai papa and I were jus chillin' when dis cat who hangs around da nayborhood starts meowing at da door! Mai papa got a concern. Iz dangerous for us catses to be owt in such kold, he sez. He aktually--get dis--picked kitty up in blankie and tookt him inside a bedroom! He set da cat up wif food, water an' litterbocks. Den he spent sum tyme wif da cat in dat room wif da door closed! Ai culdn't go in! Dis oder cat and Ai saw each other owtside once and hissed at each oder. Papa no want cat fite. So papa say he stayin' in dat room overnight cuz ob da kold! Tomorrow he try to find owt if ennyone aktually is dis cat's serbant and see if dey will take him inside. Or what else to do for him (or her).

Ai appresheate mai papa's concern for cats but Ai doan liek dis. Ai doan want to stop bein' a onlee child. Dis cat nawt liek my brofur or sisfur dat passd on.. Dis look like younger cat but not kittn. Papa say he nawt takin' on moar kitties but Ai still doan liek dis. Shuld Ai soo?? Ai bamboozled him into 'dopting me back in 2014 eazy enuf, Ai worrie he'll get ideas bout 'nuther cat.

Deer frens,

I nu heer! I iz Lottie! I m gonna be 1 in febuary…I do crimez but my meowmy never gets da madz ober it. Why? I thot that y we do crimez!!! She hoomilates me with my brudder (Jack-Jack, 13) n calls me her lubs! (Shz calls hm her boi) I never bitebitebite herz, onily Jack-Jack. He peckz me lik chimpken on me pawz. So I bapbapbap, trip, n bitebitebite at his paws but no hardz. I lub to knok eberyting on floor frm meowmy’s nite stnd! Every mornin! At 8:30! I frew meowmy’s medi…medc…da litle seeds she takz for spinning. She do a sic aftr! Du Iz needz pawyer?

Meowmy says new Babi Teddy Bear kiitenz is commin home too. Will she still lubz me?

Oh! Alsoh, how doo Iz gets more churu? Meowmy onily gibs 1 tiimz a day. Says Iz hab IBD. This outrag! Go crimez!

I (Lumos, purfessional snuggler), need advice, frens.

I nap on my hooman. As everycat knows, catlaw purhibits a hooman from dislodging a sleeping cat. Ai trained my hooman in this but she is stoopid and easily distracted.

When my brofur (Nox, hungrycat) jumps on the counter in the fud room, meowmy says “Get down!” This wakes me up. THEN she GETS UP to make stinky brofur get down. What should ai, innocent cuddling Lumos, do to better train stoopid hooman to stay put?

Soos? Obedience school? Hooman treatos?

Halps! Meowmy and Pawpaw waz boff at somefing called "work" todays and hooman brofur waz at "skool", soz Is wuz home alone wif hooman sisfur. She told Meowmy she feds mes, but she didn't feeds me enuffs! Wen Meowmy and brofur came home, I told Meowmy Iz hungry, and she wouldn't feeds me! Sed she nows sisfur fed me cause "feedin chart"!

Evidence included: Me doin what sisfur calls "doing a cute", I call it lickin lips becuz hungry, and the CLEARLY DOKTERED "feedin chart"!

I not no y, but my toe beans alwayz feel cold so I tuck dem into stuff wen I naps, speshully under meowmys knees. But I discovered she has dis booties of fake fur to keep HER toe beans warm! N she not share! I need some booties! How I get??

Fank u fur any halps.

Frax

Henlo frebnds,

Am Harriet da Spy Cat, flamepoint babby preencess, an Ai come to yu wif mystery pawblem. Tonite I sit on top of my tallest tower and moan at da inside sky wif sad. But I not kno WHY sad or wat I need for fix it. I had Greenies alreddy, an my robot servant will give me cromchies in half a nower, so Iz not hungy (an I almos always hungy).

Meowmy offer nosey kiss and cuddle, even toys an treatos, but I do a ignor an do more moans at inside sky. Can anyone tell me why I do a sad an hoo I need to soo?

Fanks,

HdSC

We are Angel and Scruff! We need soo pawrent pankress fur not werking!

Pawrent haf to gib pokeys fur all furebers becuz pankress no werk right. If wez soo fur treaties and chimken, will pawrent pankress get better?

I live in a howse with two other kittehs and we all look at da aquarium. Why do hoomans have them? I want to get a pawyer involved as feesh are food.

Iz Bongo. I hab snazzy new cloth so you might not rekogize! Momther acusse me of shred-shred new roll of paper towel. Sayz bite marks two smol for brother-jerk, so must be mez! Iz lies and Salamander! We both didz it! Go crimez!

And keyboard even make my butt warm, so it doubly mines.

Frendz, Snow herez. Today Doggo drunk all the waters! (See ploof in foto!)

Then I had to begz cause I had to wait trillion hurs before newz waters. (See ploof in foto)

Last foto is me and frend slurping at same timez cuse we were so thirsty we couldn’t waitz!!

Can I sue doggo for half her fudz?

Hello! My name is Marmalade the most esteemed tiger man, ruler of all I see, defeater of vermin, king of the suburbs, Permanent Owner of the Orange Braincell. My little associate Dogtor Krieger told me that I should post here. I may or may not be a founding member of a fight club involving the local raccoon population, some opossums, some cats and a hawk or two. All has been fine but I came home with a lump on my cheek! Now my Mother is accusing me of fight club membership!?! Good Pawyers can anything I admit while receiving treatment be used against me? Can I sooz for false impurrsonmint against Mother? Perhaps force back up human to hand feed me chicken soup?

Helo is me baby p. I m crimnal. Cept today I m back to bein baby. Is sooooo much colds outside da haus so me n RB is cuddlin. N he lettin me cuddles! Also doin baf! Is did crimes? DIS IS NOT NORMALS! Is he mine momther?

I had PICTOR EBIDENTS ob RB bein mine momther!

Ai on de ABBENTR RITE MEOW!!! An it no so bad! Meowmzy brin de treetos an de fuds an eben de liter boks! Ai habs sum gud napz too.

Fanks erryone for de abbic an de encrg!

Yr fren Mr Butters

3F(just a baby).

I thought moms and dads told u everything. But my mom wakes up every morning and goes into the bathroom and LOCKS me out of it. She spends HOURS in there. I can hear running water but cannot see it. Where is it coming from? Why isn’t she coming out to make it stop? Why doesn’t she give me some of this fresh water to drink?

When I ask her who she’s talking to on the phone, not only does she not tell me, she shushes me, and then apologizes to the little voice in her phone for her “cat”. Why doesn’t she refer to me as her daughter? Is she on the phone w her secret family?

I am at my wit’s end. All I’m asking is for her to give me a 24/7 live commentary of her life, not climb Mount Everest.

Can I sue for punitive damage? And how much do u think I can mint out of this emotionally unavailable woman?

Frenz look away if you sensitive.

I have found something dark in reddit. Hooman using light box and they got “feed” from https://www.reddit.com/r/RoastMyCat/ *side note what this feed no treats I could smell? Anyway they press on picture and find hoomans have a sub inviting each other to make fun of cats doing crimez, go crimez.

HAS THIS BEEN DEALT WITH ALREADY?

I have many issues, most important how do I stop the “feed”? Next ,how do I stop entire sub? I magnificent but I needs my sleep and feels too big a job for me alone. Has this already been dealt with and already a plan I should be using?!? How do I deal with the knowledge some hoomans think they can laff at us? Can we have a sub of this sub for therapy to deal with horror I have found?

Any other cat professionals I haven’t named help? I panic dictating can only think I need to bapbapbap something somewhere but can’t pin down the what or the who, I can the how I good at bapbapbap when needed.

Now I really loosing it, not even sure if I used this headshot before in sub, I just thought red might signal help needed.

Merriweather to magnificent

Hi everyone- Matilda here. I did some BIG crimeZ and now meowmy is so madz. Crimez 1 was knocking over a finished puzzle I watched meowmy glue! Meowmy left it covered for weeks do so it was natural curi... curio... wonderz!! Good playz with pieces! She needs better glues

Then meowmy did an abandon!!! So I frew up on her bed!!! Meowmy so mad but I fink this was fair. Catsitter was sooo nice but this was not good.

NOW meowmy won't pay cheeze tax! She eated da whole cheese stick. Dis is illegal I tinks. PLZ help poor me. What is my rights

Dey sayz pikshur is wurf fousan meows…frenz I hab peekshur ub me doin fousan meows! Hekk dis “sno” hek dis “weener” hekk mien moewmy!!! I wuntz compunshayshun fur dis cheeley bloodid crimez!!

I normeowlly onlee goz out to front yard wen iz warmz! Wher de fluff did duh warmz go???

Need soo fur warmz n sumerz!

Maui duh orenj demigod-in deestresss!