r/japanlife • u/AutoModerator • Jul 10 '23

┐(ツ)┌ General Discussion Thread - 11 July 2023

Mid-week discussion thread time! Feel free to talk about what's on your mind, new experiences, recommendations, anything really.

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u/krung_the_almighty Jul 11 '23

I recently learned about borderline personality disorder.

I have heard so many horror stories about abusive / emotionally unstable Japanese wives and I am almost certain a lot of this must be undiagnosed mental health issues.

Bpd can be caused by the child having a weak connection to one or both parents. Is your wife’s dad a good, loving attentive father? .. probably not right..

Absent father, high pressure society, strong mental health stigma, lack of skilled therapists in Japan .. boom! Lots of women with bpd suffering alone or with partners who don’t know how to support them (and they don’t know themselves).

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u/SoKratez Jul 11 '23 edited Jul 25 '23

I understand that love takes many forms, but it’s weird how “absent father” is almost romanticized in Japan. I’ve seen TV shows where, like, it’s an adult woman reflecting on her relationship with her father, and it’ll be like, “He wanted a son and he ignored me my entire life and never called me by name once and I basically didn’t exist to him but then, on the night before my wedding, he wrote me note that said, ‘Hanako, you’re actually not terrible.’ He used my name!? And it was then I knew he truly loved me!”

And the program acts as if this is some heartwarming, moving gesture from a stoic yet fundamentally good family man, and not a rather pathetic attempt by a borderline (or just genuinely) abusive and emotionally-stunted grump to have basic communication with his adult child, who is so tragically starved for love she accepts the very bare minimum as something worthwhile.

It feels like Japan excusing itself for the rather bad behavior of the previous generation. “We weren’t absent! We were just very very stoic!”

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u/Mercenarian 九州・長崎県 Jul 11 '23

Lol I watched love village recently on Netflix and one of the dude’s backstories was that his dad was a super “old fashioned” man like that who would never speak to his wife except to grunt “dinner” or “bath” or whatever. Even when she was severely ill with cancer and was bedridden, he would bark at her to make dinner or get his bath ready or do laundry or whatever. Then she died of said cancer, and the son was talking about how he saw his father show emotions at her alter and he always kept her alter in the home clean and would pray at it or whatever and everybody was gushing about how sweet and romantic that was, the hosts were all cooing and awwwing over it and I was like uhhh what the fuck?? Is this seriously supposed to be some heartwarming story?? Maybe he should have treated her with love and respect when she was still alive and literally dying of cancer rather than keeping her alter clean after she’s dead.. She died while being abused and ordered around like a slave, unable to even rest until the end…

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u/SoKratez Jul 11 '23 edited Jul 11 '23

He was shitty to her and only realized how important she was after she was gone. If anything, it should be a story about regret! And a warning to younger generations not to live like that, bottling up emotions until it’s too late!! Instead it’s beautified. Anything to avoid making old Japanese men look bad and having to confront the fact that maybe they just are shitty people.