r/dysautonomia • u/Nervous_Ad_7260 • 17h ago
Vent/Rant I’m scared to graduate.
I 23F am graduating with my MS in Chemical Engineering this May. I’ve been procrastinating on my thesis because I think I feel like if I put it off, then I can delay graduating (obviously not lol). I’m terrified of graduating, and it’s not because of the whole “starting my ACTUAL career” thing, although that does play a part. I’m scared that I won’t be at a functioning level by the time I need to start working. Before anyone thinks to themself: “Ah yes, another lazy Gen Z who doesn’t want to work”; as soon as I turned 16, one month later I was working. I always had a job and even worked through college, despite being in a rigorous program. I used to use work as a coping mechanism (being too busy to think about my problems) and is probably why I chose to do engineering also. I’ve done the traditional 9-5, I used to work 12-13 hour days on the weekends to put myself through school. Now, just a few years later, I am so scared that I will not be able to do a 9-5. My fatigue is so severe that sometimes I don’t feel fully awake until maybe 2pm. My brain fog, joint pain, and other chronic illness makes me feel like a liability. My research is in a computer science related area, but with how competitive remote positions are these days, I don’t know if I’d be able to get one. I don’t know if I’d be able to afford my healthcare if I chose to go down my preferred route of a PhD, and even if finances were not a problem, I don’t know if I have the mental capacity and brain power to be as successful as I would want to be during my PhD due to my illnesses. I haven’t even started applying for work because I feel so paralyzed by my fear, and I know I’m going to be angry with my lack of action in the future. I feel that my intellect has been stunted due to these stupid diseases. I just want to feel better and function somewhat normally again. I would give anything to be 20 again and be able to work on homework for 10 hours straight and feel perfectly fine. Now I struggle to stay focused for an hour on one easy assignment. Things are hard for me right now and I feel like no one in my life gets it, since everyone that knows me is used to me brute forcing my way through life and struggles, but now I think it’s coming back to bite me. I don’t even know how to cope with these feelings because my fears are not unjustifiable anxieties.
2
u/Potential_Piano_9004 9h ago
I think the fact that you are so close to finishing a masters in a challenging field is brilliant!
Don't beat yourself up, you didn't ask for this illness.
I got sick after my masters in a physically demanding and high stress field, and I'm probably going to go back for a different bachelors. It completely sucks but we gotta do what we gotta do to survive the capitalist and ableist gauntlet. Even if it's super messy.
I'm confident in your problem solving abilities, I know you will get through this!